The SECRET To Completely Heal Your BODY & MIND Today! | Scott Stabile

And if it's not even about being as sick as your secrets, there's certainly an inherent disconnection that comes with having secrets, because you're not allowing yourself to be the fullness of who you are.

I'm looking forward to the conversation. You know, big love is a huge part of my heart, meaning I want. I, too, want to go out there and share love with as many people in as many different ways as possible. And so I applaud everything that you've done. Man, what a career. I really appreciate that, big time. So welcome.

And to you. Thank you.

Oh, thanks, dude.

Well, let's.

Let's jump in. I mean, I think, you know, there's so many different places we could go. Your work is so profound. What I maybe would like to do is, you know, we teach this concept of roadblocks, and roadblocks come in a lot of different fashions. Right. Typically, they're tied to an emotional anchor or things of that nature. You've been through so much. Maybe give the audience a little bit of breakdown of kind of where you've been and kind of what you've been through, so they have a better understanding where all this wisdom comes from.

Okay, sure. I mean, I can't say with certainty that's where the wisdom comes from, but definitely some of the growth. I mean, I lost my parents at 14. They were shot to death in Detroit in a market that they owned.

Which has been, I mean, luckily, the greatest tragedy of my life. I hate to think of one that's worse than that. So that was. That's been a wildly influential experience in my life. And I think, honestly.

I'm going to be 50 this year, so. It's years ago. Yeah, this month, actually.

So, you know, it's 36 years ago, so that's a long time ago in my life. And I get asked about this regularly, and I've written about it and spoken about it, and I think that oftentimes when people are asking me about this, it's with this. This wondering, like, how did you survive it? Or how did you grow from it? And how did it inform where you are now? And how did it turn you into this loving person that you proclaim yourself to be?

You exude light, dude. You exude light.

Thank you, brother. No, thank you. And the truth is, though, Stephen, I don't. I feel really lucky when I reflect back on that experience, because I was 14. I wasn't making any conscious choices about anything. You know, and my response at the time to my parents murder was just to Bury it. Honestly, just to put it away. And at the time I was a, you know, a straight A student. I was an achiever. I was a very type A and I remained that way. You know, I switched schools. I moved in with my eldest sister, switched high schools. This was in 9th grade. Was also dealing with my sexuality, like, you know, realizing I'm gay but denying it. But yeah, having trouble denying it.

Yeah.

So. So being in high school in ninth grade with all this going on was. Was a lot.

Yeah.

You know, I became a master manipulator with. In a lot of ways that. That sounds harsher than it is. What I mean is that I never. I felt like a freak because I didn't have parents and everyone around me had parents. And the way my parents died, you know, it felt like when anyone would learn that it was really overwhelming for them and that always overwhelmed me and I didn't want to be pitied and I never wanted to talk about it. So how I manipulated it was like if any conversations were in any way steering themselves to family, I would be like five chess moves ahead to make sure it never landed on family. Because I was new at this school and no one knew my story and I didn't want anyone to. So I was always shifting conversations and. But you. You realize when I reflect back on that, the amount of energy that goes into that dynamic and keeping that secret and keeping the sexuality secret. But I'm really grateful for the.

For me, it feels like just a gift that something in me knew to bury it at that time. That trying to process the grief around losing my parents was probably too much for me. So once a year I had a really good cry and it was literally like once a year we just unleash and then bottle it back up. And I was with. I'm the youngest of seven kids, but we all seem to deal with my parents death in a very similar way, which is to say none of us talked about it with each other. And so we were. We were all. I mean, I can't speak to what they were all doing with their significant others and their husbands and wives, but I just felt like it was for me to deal with on my own in my head. And so that's why I kind of locked it away. And then in my early 20s when I started to.

I started to open up to. For the idea of love as a guiding force in my life. And what that really meant for me also was getting in touch with who I really am beyond my secrets and beyond the walls that I had Created for myself. Some of you said. You mentioned the word roadblocks. And I think burying the death of my parents and not really diving into the grief with lots of tears and lots of anger served me well. Until it didn't. Until I started to understand that these walls I had put up to actually feeling my feelings were walls I was putting up to the deepest possible connection with other people in my life. You know, there's that saying you're. You're as sick as your secrets, or you're only as sick as whatever that saying is.

Yeah.

I think there's a lot of truth to it. And if it's not even about being as sick as your secrets, there's certainly an inherent disconnection that comes with having secrets, because you're not allowing yourself to be the fullness of who you are. And so if that's how you're approaching your relationships, people are only going to be able to receive you in what you're allowing, which means the depth of your relationships will only be able to reach that place as well. And I was starting to see that in my 20s. And what I was recognizing was it's time to grieve in a different way. It's time to open myself up to lot, to the tears, to the rage, to all the feelings that I had suppressed for so long. And I. And I think, Stephen, you know, maybe you had this experience, I don't know, with some of what you've been through in your life. I think that.

I think we believe we can't survive it. It's too much like the pain that we've endured, the trauma we've endured, if we allow ourselves to really feel it, to not numb, not escape, just to be with it. I think there was this fear in me that it's like I can't take. I don't think I'll be able to take it. And the only way we can come to see that we're strong enough to deal with what it is life presents to us is if we allow ourselves to sit in it, to be with it. And that's what I started to do in my 20s.

Yeah. I mean, so many times, especially very traumatic moments. Right. I can't even imagine for an instant. I've got friends and family that struggle with their sexuality without even having to lose their parents. And many of them contemplated suicide because they didn't want to be different, per se, or how what the world said was different at the time or whatever you want to call it. So I can't even imagine that but one of the things that I think is profound that you said is there is this sitting in it that is necessary.

Right?

I would. To your point, yes. I felt the same way with some of. Some of the things that I was facing, homelessness and a few of the other things. And to sit in it, to own it, to. To be responsible for what you're responsible for or to be or to let go of. Responsibility for things I wasn't responsibility for. Right.

Equally important.

Yeah, equally important. And I think a lot of folks aren't willing to do the work. And I think one of the things that your story, my story, maybe can add value to them is it's okay.

To do the work.

You'll actually be better off if you'll do that. It's not this monster hiding under the bed that's going to, you know, jump out and get you and bite you or whatever by doing it. Will it be uncomfortable? Sure. Is it necessary? Absolutely.

Yeah. And we're so wired to avoid discomfort. And I mean, I can only speak for this country, but certainly in this country, we numb ourselves into oblivion in a whole manner of ways. And look, we all do it in certain ways at certain times, but it's almost always to not feel uncomfortable feelings. And that's. No. In my experience, that's no way to heal uncomfortable feelings because the things that we're numbing, the things we're running from with booze or drugs or sex or the phone or whatever.

Yeah.

We're giving our energy over to that thing we're running from. And it's always there waiting for us when we're on the other side of a bender or on the other side of whatever it is. And I have been really served in my life by.

By being with the uncomfortable feelings in. In great part, yeah. Because I've been able to see and understand through experience that feelings are designed to move through us if we allow them to. That's good. And they don't move through us. If we're trying to numb and escape, then there's.

They're just the roadblock.

We're like, yeah, you know, and so.

And also I say that. It's like, I don't say that because I'm also learning the great value in really giving my. Really, really being aware of the thoughts I'm thinking and the words I'm speaking and the actions I'm taking and recognizing that so often it's easy to get mired in these delusional lies of our mind that tell us we are less than that. We're lazy, we're stupid, we're worthless. All these stories that our minds create that don't serve any growth or healing. Right. And so for me, I've gotten really good at hearing my mind without internalizing those messages anymore and really giving myself over to thoughts and words and actions, choices that, that offer more joy, more meaning, more connection in my life. Because it can be easy to get so mired in processing our pain and let's process it and talk.

You almost become it, you.

Yeah. You know, and we forget that there's a this, there's an expansive world, there's an expansive reality. And part of that reality is creativity and connection, enjoy and beauty. And I'm really about giving my energy to those things too, because that's part of this life experience.

Yeah, I mean, I would even argue that's part of the divine. I mean, essentially to operate in that zone. When it comes down to it, I'm out of curiosity. Some of the things you just mentioned.

Are things that are taught but seldom practice, you know, trying to give your energy. What does that look like from a practical step? Or are you essentially challenging thoughts? Are you meditating? Like, what does that look like practically?

Yeah, it looks like a few things for me. And before I dive into the few things for me, what I want to say to listeners is that what I've really believed deeply is that we, if we listen to ourselves and ask ourselves the questions, we know what tools work for us. So what works for me may not be the tool for you, but if you seek out these tools and you pay attention to how you feel, you're going to find the tools that work for you. I am constantly challenging my thoughts and not from a place of war. I don't believe in going to war with any aspect of myself. I think that war creates war, period. And with the mind. The mind is relentless. It's never going to surrender. So for me, it looks like anytime I have thoughts that are self abusive, that are suggesting I'm unworthy, not enough in any way. The moment I'm aware of that thought is when I have my power. And the moment I'm aware of it, what I do is I shift the dialogue and I offer myself thoughts of love, thoughts of worthiness I feel deeply connected to. Some people call it God, some people call, I probably refer to it more often than not as source energy, that which created everything. That energy, I believe is alive within all of us. And that energy is for me embodied most clearly by love. And so the words of God, the Words of love within me never speak to unworthiness, never suggest that I am somehow less than that. You know, that is not. I know that if that is the voice, it's the voice of an ego mind. And so I know that my truth lives in a much deeper place, and my truth is aligned with a much more powerful energy. So I'm always inviting myself to return to that place within myself because I know that when I'm aligned with God, with the divine, I am at my most powerful, I'm at my most centered, my most grounded, my most loving. I am most deeply connected to everything that matters the most for me. So, yes, the moment you're aware that your thoughts are somehow abusing, you offer yourself something different. There's that book by Viktor Frankl. Oh, my God, I'm completely forgetting, man.

Search for Meaning, maybe. Thank you.

Yes.

One of my favorite books.

Yes. And he says, he. That. That the most famous quote is that which I'm going to butcher too. But it's the moment between stimulus and response is where we hold our power is essentially what he's saying. That's where we have the possibility to choose. So I invite people to always be considering the choices they're making and checking in with themselves. Checking in with their hearts. Checking in with. Yeah, with that divine space within them. And if people don't resonate. I know you resonate with God, but not everybody does. Look at it with nature. Whatever energy is behind turning an acorn into an oak tree, that energy is alive with.

There's definitely something. I think there's something for anybody when it comes to creation, right?

Yes.

There's some kind of created fulfillment that can be tapped into that, you know, divine creator, universe, source, whatever, want to call it created.

Right.

So, you know, for some people, my. My wife is literally, when I met her, she. One of the first pictures she ever sent me was a picture of her hugging a tree. Right. So she literally will take off her shoes and her socks and stuff like that. When she used to sing, she would take them off and then she would, you know, she would sing because she was grounded. She would be the first one on the grass. You know, she, you know, nature was huge for her. You know, for me, it's reflection. It's a power of a pen and a pad and to think in the process. For others, it might be music. For some it might be, you know, literally giving to someone else. They receive the gift of life as they give, you know, things of that nature.

So I love that. I love that.

Yeah. Me Too, brother. And. And meditation for me. But I look at meditation in a lot of ways because I think there's. There can be resistance in some people to the idea of just sitting still with your eyes closed and following the breath, which I like and I believe serves me positively.

But.

But I would say walking is probably my favorite meditation. I take walks all the time outdoors. Nature, for me, is one of the most grounding forces there is. So washing dishes can be a meditation. You know, so much of it is about intention. Like, how are you going into the thing you're doing if you go into washing dishes with a very intentional idea around letting go of some of the frustration you've been holding onto? Today, I feel really confident that when you're done washing those dishes, you're likely to feel a little lighter. You know, if you decide that there's a rock that you picked up from your grass that you want to use as a totem, and you wear it, you bring it in your pocket, and every time you touch it, it reminds you to be grateful or something, then you're giving your power over to that thing in a way that is serving you positively. I'm. I support anything. Any tools that we have that we come upon that. That serve us and connect us to a deeper meaning.

Absolutely. I mean, we're all created differently for. For different reasons and different purposes. I think I would. I'm going to ask. And this is kind of be a statement in the form of a question or question in the form of a statement. I've discovered that as I've become to accept myself, love myself, and treat myself better, I naturally do that for other people. Have you found that to be the case as well?

A hundred percent. Every time. And that for me, a lot of the work I do, like the workshops I give, a lot of them end up being about self, love. And one of my favorite quotes is from the Buddha. He said, if you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another. And inherent in that quote is the understanding that when we are. When we are so deeply rooted in love of self, all we have to offer is love in return. No matter who's in front of us, no matter what they're saying, no matter what they're doing. And for me, that's my idea of utopia. It's an. It's a world in which we are all so deeply centered in love that it doesn't matter what's happening in front of us, we're still called to love that person. You know, we're still called to forgiveness. We're still called to compassion. For me, this is how we heal the world. And ultimately what I've also learned, and I'm sure you've learned, is that we only have control over the choices we're making. Like you, Steven, can show up how you're choosing to show up, and that's all you can do. And that's having a big impact on the world. But the impact it have is wholly beyond your control and wholly beyond your power and also not your responsibility. I don't believe, like ultimately my responsibility as I see it, because it serves me first and foremost, but serves everyone and everything, is to center myself in love as deeply and as often as possible and trust in that.

Yeah, I think it's interesting because, you know, when you think about love and the power of love, you know, I jotted down a few things before we hopped on that I knew we could talk for hours about identity and blame and shame and condemnation and all these different things that, you know, failure and pain and trauma. What I'm feeling more led to discuss at the moment is what holds us back from love? Because when we implement it, when we implement love well, then relationships are built, bridges are built.

Opportunities are created. However, when we don't do it well, wars are created. Literal, figurative wars. Right. United States is obviously, you know, is that each other's throats when they should be like trying to, in my opinion, working together to really try to find common ground in many respects, which is why I don't get involved in the stuff. I'm like, I'm here, I'm called for anybody who wants to know a better life, period, kind of scenario, you know. You know. But one of the biggest roadblocks I see there, there are really two. Because if you look at wars and everything that comes out of that, you know, it comes down to selfishness. And my discovery has been that people who are selfish do not know how to love themselves. In fact, they're desperately searching for it and their selfishness is a protection mechanism to keep them from it, even though they may not see it that way. And two, there's a self righteousness that comes across. People from all walks of life and all kinds of backgrounds that somehow the way they're living is better than how somebody else is living, you know, and those two things seem to be the greatest roadblocks. Do you find the same thing, do you think? Or maybe missing a step or maybe is there a third or fourth thing there or what do you, what do you think?

Yeah, I mean.

A need to be Right. Which is, which could be lumped under the self righteousness umbrella in a real deep. I mean fear is the word that comes up for me, but fear is the base note to everything you're talking about.

Yeah.

And I think, I mean when I look at the country, our country today, and I see the unwillingness in people to.

Just to have a conversation, to open themselves up to shifting perceptions. How hard it is for people to acknowledge when they're wrong about something.

Because. And I think a lot of that comes to fear of being judged. Fear of being perceived in a specific way by certain people and, or by everybody. And yet we're all being judged all the time. I mean that's something.

It's.

I was going to say infuriating and that isn't really the right word. It's not. It can be in moments. It's, it's really frustrating the. Because we all know, I really believe in my bones that every human being on this planet understands the power of love and is desperate to be loved and to connect through love. We all know it. We all know how powerful it is. We all want it more than anything on the planet. And that's why it's so, it's, it's, it's so insane to look at the world and see all the justifications people are making to not love one another. It makes no intuitive sense. Like if we all. This is going to sound so woo woo. But I really believe this.

Come on, brother, you're in good company.

I know for you. But imagine if we all decided in this moment to root ourselves in love and decide to love. Our entire planet would shift in a moment. And there's no other force that has that power. And when I speak about love, I'm speaking about compassion, which is love.

I mean, it's compassion, it's empathy, it's.

Understanding, it's forgiveness, it's. These are all extensions of love. And there's no other force that has the power to heal. And for me, love is the. Love isn't our only. Our greatest healer, it's our only true healer. There are a lot of change agents in the world. Anger is an incredible change agent. Anger always creates change and sometimes.

Foments really important change. But if you're not willing to add compassion and empathy and love to that anger, there is no healing that's created. It's just a bunch of people raging at each other. And maybe you get out and you say what needs to be said in your rage, but at some point you've got to return to love. And I believe we all know this and that's why it's. But it's terrifying. You know, it's almost.

It is so often the harder choice to return to love because our ego minds are, are holding on so tightly to our ideas about what's right or to the wound we feel when someone judged us or the mean thing they said. Our minds do not want to let it go. And our hearts are always just love, honey. Like that one too. That one too.

There's no justification for lack of love unless you're in your mind.

One of the greatest illustrations that comes to mind when you say that is I watched the movie version of one of the best selling books called the Shack.

Okay. I've never read it or seen it.

All right, so you would actually enjoy the movie. Okay. There's this part where God is played by multiple different character, multiple different levels as a three part trinity kind of scenario. It's not, it's not. I wouldn't call it a Christian movie as much as it is a inspirational movie. At any rate, the.

This one essence of God comes up into the, into the movie and it's challenging the father. She's put, she said, all right, Father, go sit on the throne. And the father goes and sits on the throne. And then the God brings both, both children to him, both children, like a boy and a girl, brings them both to the here and say, okay, now you know that this child has struggled with this and this child has struggled with this. And this person had experienced a loss of a child due to a brutal trauma.

Okay?

And she goes, I need you. I need. This is God talking to the, you know, the spirit of God or the essence of God in the movie talking to the father. And she says, okay, I need you to choose one that gets, that gets, you know, permanent hell or whatever, or the. And the exact words of the father, I can't do that. Take me instead. Yeah, that's what love is, right?

Love.

Love is the essence of.

Bettering yourself so you can be a betterment to others. And you know, I look, like I said, you know, I look down this list of the, Some of the, some of the roadblocks that I've seen with people that really, I mean, really can do a number on people. Shame, blame, the need for belonging, fear, failure, trauma.

You know, all of this. And then in parentheses I really wrote, there's only one solution. It's love.

Yeah, like it's.

You're blaming other people. How can you love. You're shaming yourself. How can you love?

Yeah.

Right. I've discovered a long time ago that all human beings on this planet really have four needs. And it's not until they learn to love themselves that they can use these to then be the answers to those questions for other people which are to be seen, to be heard, to be valued and to be appreciated or affirmed. You know, if. And all of those in many cases are attributes of love. Seeing you as. Seeing you as an amazing human being who's exuding light before me. Right. Hearing your expression of your perspectives and the way in which you're sharing your heart to the world on this national. This essentially what is a national media. Right. You know, to be valued in such a way that your work carries weight, your work carries, you know, consistency of action and it breeds something else. And to be appreciated long term just for making a difference.

Yeah.

You know, that's. That's fulfillment. Well, the only way you get from those items is through the conduit of love. That's one of the reasons why your work so powerful.

Oh, thank you, brother. And you know, what is to what you're saying? I actually believe when you get to love, when you're so rooted in it, all of those needs disappear.

Yeah.

Because there's no need for anything from anyone. When you are so connected to love because you will so you will be so deeply rooted in love of self that no fulfillment, it's like, yeah, you find joy from the outside world. You find joy from connection with others always. But you stop seeking, you stop needing anything. And by the way, I'm not there or even close to being there. No, truly. I mean, I have. I have moments where I feel deeply connected to the love. And I've been. I arrived in North Carolina a few days ago. I'm spending the month of May just outside of Ashton.

Just came here to the studio.

Where are you?

In Raleigh.

Are you serious? I'm in Chimney Rock. I don't know how far away.

You're only three hours away.

Oh, my gosh. How funny, dude. Yeah, I'm loving it here. It's really beautiful. And the nature here, so beautiful. And I've been out in it the past few days and I've been so connected to my heart, you know, so, so connected. And I've been practicing because I feel so in love. I've been thinking about the people that I have created the most. Resentment. The people who frustrate me the most. I've been lining up the politicians who frustrate me the most. That's a bunch of Them, I've been bringing them all into my heart because I know I'm in this place where I can hold nothing but love and compassion for everybody. And it's been so beautiful to feel that way because I know there's going to be a time, probably later today or tomorrow or who knows when, because we fall out of it. That's the nature of being human. We're in our minds, we're in our fears all the time. But. But I'll never forget these moments. And that, that's the thing, because I. Because I do so much work around self love, I meet a lot of people who tell me I don't know how to love myself. And one of the first things I say to them is that the love that you have inside, the love that you feel inside, the love that you are able to offer others so boldly and in such a big way, it doesn't make rational or intuitive sense that that love would only be in you for other people. So accept that first and foremost, that that love is for all and you are part of that. All right? And I think that people are so often not acknowledging the ways in which they are loving themselves. Right? Like, someone might be listening right now who thinks, yeah, I don't know how to love myself either. And yet they're listening to your podcast, which is about empowering people, which means they are taking time out of their day in this moment to love themselves. This is a tangible action of self love. And I think the more we bring awareness to those times, we actually are choosing to love ourselves. We see, oh, I am showing up for myself here and here and here. And I'm a big fan of acknowledging these things because our mind has such a strong negativity bias that our mind naturally goes to the ways in which we're treating ourselves like crap and we're not showing up for ourselves and we're doing this again and we're not doing this again. You know, and so I'm really proactive in the way that I'm like, oh, look at me. You know, and really, it sounds. I made it sound cocky and I didn't even mean it in that way. It's like, look at you, you're showing up for yourself in a loving place. Like, now look at you. You're taking care of yourself right now. These things are important, I think.

Yeah, I think they absolutely are. In fact, I would. You know, the image that pops in my head was, you know, if you're, if you're in that place where you don't yet know how to love yourself. All right, so there, there's some common things that are probably happening within you on a consistent basis. You're probably struggling with that, off and on with anxiety. You're probably struggling off and on with various levels of what we consider depression. You're probably angry at a situation, a trauma, like an instance or something like that. And I would say, I would use the analogy of what do you, like when you're trying to date someone new for the first time? How do you show up for them? Take how you show up for them and begin to show up for yourself. So, you know, send your. As stupid as it sounds, this, this has actually worked for some people. Begin to talk kindly to yourself. Yes, for some reason, the people who, who are, who we give the most.

To is ourselves. Like we'll forgive somebody completely, utterly for, for betraying us and cheating on us and all this kind of stuff, but yet we have one bad thought and we're, we make ourselves feel like we're the worst person on the planet.

Absolutely effortlessly.

Yeah, effortlessly, exactly.

No, speaking kindly to yourself is a, is a major component, I think, of self love and self care. Like when you're, when your friend is telling you about what they're, they're saying to themselves how worthless or lazy or stupid they are, how do you show up for the people you love the most moments?

That's how we reverse engineer it.

Exactly. No, truly. And I really encourage people to look at their conditioning because we've all been conditioned to within an inch of our lives. And it started when we were young and it started by the people who raised us. No matter what, even the people with the best intentions, you know, you're going to get conditioned. You're going to get told by the outside world what you're supposed to think, what supposed to say, who you're supposed to love, how you're supposed to love, you know, and, and we're all individual beings, so we can't fall in line with everything we're being told to fall in line to. So that's one of the ways we shut ourselves down at a very young age. I mean, for me, I can speak about that in terms of sexuality, but that's the most extreme example I have for it in my life. But it comes in at all, in all ways. You know, like if you just, if you just look at politics and, and then if you're on any side of anything, if you shift from your group to say anything that's not aligned with your group, your group will Attack you. Everyone's attacking everybody. And we internalize all that, and we become so afraid to be who we are in an honest and truthful way. And for me, and I suspect for you, too, it's like I have fostered the deepest connections in my life when I am willing to be courageous enough to just be honest about who I am. And I have created the most beautiful and powerful experiences and circumstances and possibilities in my life. Those things have come from a willingness to say, this is who I am.

Yeah.

Even a willingness to say. To share my fears, my insecurities, my jealousies, whatever it is that's going on. For me to not be so deeply mired in shame that I feel compelled to keep them secret, which is what our shame tells us to do. Never speak of it. That's how shame lives. That's where shame's power and grow. Oh, my God. Yeah. And it's. It's debilitating. And I don't even know where I was going with that, but. Yeah.

We're talking about love, man.

I'm so happy. I didn't know we'd be talking about love the whole time. I love it. Yeah.

No, it's. With.

Look it. Love is what the world needs. Love needs more of it. Marriages need more of it.

Relationships need more of it.

Children need more of it. The workplace needs more of it.

The. The. The one thing that all human beings.

On this planet are craving is an essence of love.

And there's.

To me, there's two forms. There's projected love. This is me loving you as a friend and admiring you for who you.

Are and what you've done and what.

You bring to the table and the value you bring. And then there's the self love that this often the most difficult, you know?

And, you know, I can't imagine what.

It'S like to be unclear with my sexuality and things of that nature. So I'm not going to judge somebody else who's. Who's going through something different that I've never gone through that same.

But that same thing is I've.

You know, I've been through the homeless journey. Not everybody's been through that journey.

Not at all.

You know what I'm saying? So there's. There's essences of each of our stories that if we shared it from a place of love and said, hey, this is what this experience has taught me about myself, about what value I can offer to the world, maybe what value I could bring to you, then we're able to sit in that place of.

Love and begin to open up dialogue, begin to open up conversations, and begin.

To structure a new.

A new essence of community that I.

Think is desperately needed in the world. Meanwhile, because if change agents don't step up to the plate and start working on this from their side, no matter how big or how small, then you're constantly going to have divisive messages intentionally trying to keep people apart when the.

Greatest unity we could have is actually.

Loving one another and understanding one another and just getting to know one another.

Absolutely. And hallelujah, brother. Honestly, the invitation from love is for me, even. Even before I know somebody's story. The. The beauty of connecting with people and learning their stories is it really does open our hearts.

Yeah.

There's nothing like just sitting and having a meal with someone to make you. To make you resonate and connect with another human being. But. But the invitation from love for me is just love, no matter what. I don't need to know a thing about you. I can just show up with you, see you, meet you for the first time. And what happens? What can be created if I show up to our interaction for the first time, committed to loving you?

Yeah, right.

What happens when there's someone out there I don't like? Because I think love, loving someone, and liking someone are completely different things. And there are people out there I do not like, but I can still open my heart and love them.

Yeah.

And what happens when you're able to do that? What happens when you. When you charge yourself with the task of doing that? Showing up with love for people, no matter what, how do you change? Like, because the thing people I don't think realize enough because. Because honestly, brother, I'm. I am. My. My commitment to love is with a lot of self interest. Like, if it felt good to hate, I promise you, I would be out here preaching hate to the world.

I'm glad you're not.

Yeah. Know what it feels like to hate. It's poisonous.

But.

But the experience of connecting to love, rooting yourself in it, it feels so good. There is no feeling that feels better than that. And I feel like if more people really understood that or remembered that, because I think we know it, we all would be that much more inclined to ask ourselves the question, like, what is love inviting me to do right now? How is love asking me to show up in this moment?

Yeah, that's good. I mean, you never know. So. A couple, Couple things that stood out in my mind. I remember as a. As a young child, my parents were out of my life for a Different reason. They had their own struggles. Dad was an alcoholic mom struggling with some of her, you know, I would call it, I used to call it mental disorders. It was more of an emotional battle. She had been abused drastically when she was growing up and things of that nature. And you know, early on I think there was a part of me that felt unloved and unworthy because my parents didn't. I attached myself to the fact that they weren't present. Even though I was provided for by many surrogate parents, my grandmother being one key, mentors being another, that just parented me, Right. And then I guess it was probably the year before I became homeless, I was on a downward spiral, very fast downward spiral after rising up really, really quickly as a 19 year old kid. And I found myself in this crossroads where one person asked me a question and I forgot where I was at. But they said, who taught your parents how to be parents?

I had not one time ever, in all the dysfunction, ever asked myself what hurts had they been forced to deal with that could have caused them to behave the way they were behaving? And then once I did, I learned of my mom's sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. I learned of my father's this, this moment when he was growing up in church where my grandfather, who survived Pearl harbor, stood up in front of the entire congregation and basically said, hey, while we were on this deacon trips, this is after you've been sober for a while. I drunk, I drank. And then the deacons didn't do anything. Like they didn't stand up, they didn't support him, you know what I'm saying? Did something weird to my dad's heart, you know, as it related to not only faith and source and God, but also in episodes of how he could actually open up, what he could show me, you know. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes total sense.

After fast forwarding all the way through that, another good friend of mine about a decade later said, I want you to, from now on, when you picture somebody you want to be angry with or hate or resent or, you know, you want it, you want to cast some kind of level of frustration towards. He goes, here's what I want you to do. I want you to picture that person in your mind.

Getting back up from the concrete with skin, knees, holding their hands up and saying, help.

Yeah.

I began seeing my mother that way and it radically changed me.

Yeah.

All the bitterness and the resentment for you're never been around, what do you. All that garbage was completely gone in the moment of Surrender and forgiveness just by seeing that person for the suffering that they had been and then saying, how could I love them? How can I love them in a place that would make that suffering ease changed everything.

How beautiful. Brother, I love your heart. You are just like a giant heart. My God, it's.

Thanks.

It's a real joy to talk to you right now, truly.

Likewise. I definitely. We're definitely brothers from another mother. There's no doubt we even look the same.

Not just exactly.

Exactly.

So what else?

Well, man, I want to, you know, I guess the one final thing that I would like to touch base on is the importance of choosing who to let into your inner circle to open that vulnerable vulnerability with. Because some people are not ready for relationships. In fact, what I've seen as it relates to romantic love and things of that nature, oftentimes if we're not ready, we're not loving ourselves. We tend to attract people who mirror how we feel about ourselves. How can we put some protective boundaries around ourselves to let those people let the right people in but love the other people from afar? You got any practical knowledge there?

Well, one thing about that for me is understanding that I really, I believe deeply in energy attracts like energy. You know, everything is energy, you know, everything. I believe everything's vibrational. Our thoughts, our energy, our words, our actions. So if I'm moving through the world connected to my worth, you know, open hearted understanding, I'm a worthy human being. I'm naturally going to attract people who are reflecting that back and I'm naturally not going to allow those who don't. So. So the first thing I would say is make your relationship with yourself your priority because if you do, it affects every single thing you will. There's that, that saying you can't pour from an empty cup. So make sure you're constantly filling your cup. You're working on loving yourself knowing that. And I think that people get tripped up on self love because they get caught up in this story of selfishness around it and they feel like they don't want to be selfish and seen as selfish. And we, yeah, we've been there, right? And for me this is the most beautiful selfishness on the planet. Because when you really understand every ounce of self love that you give to yourself serves everyone in your life. Yeah, you know, everyone. There is no way for you to honor and take care of yourself as a divine being. There's no way for you to do that and not be serving the world at the same time. Because that's what love does. So I would make your relationship with yourself a priority. Nice people are terrible with boundaries.

I say this as a nice person who's been terrible with boundaries. And the thing I've learned about boundaries that has helped me become much better about setting them is I really view boundaries as respectful for all parties involved. I don't think that generally we want to be trampling over each other's boundaries. I think so often it's happening because no one is saying what is okay for them and what is not okay for them. So know that first and foremost, you're setting your boundaries as a means of taking care of yourself within the context of all your relationships in your life. And that by doing so you're automatically eliminating what, what people will get away with. And by doing so, you're also making it clear that if someone is trampling your boundaries. Wait, let me back up. If someone's trampling your boundaries and you haven't said anything like what works for you and what doesn't, it's totally on you.

Yeah.

People aren't mind readers, you know, like, but once you're clear about what's okay for you, and if people are still choosing to trample them, then it's incumbent upon you to ask yourself, why am I choosing to stay in relationship with people who are disrespecting me? Why am I choosing? And that answer is always going to track in some way to fear and, and lack of self worth.

Yeah.

Which gets us back to doing the work of loving ourselves. No, it's so true.

It really is full circle.

It's full circle because I've seen like, when I'm going through the world like this, not, you know, feeling like I'm not enough. The world responds so clearly. So the other thing I'd invite people to do is really just start paying better attention to your life. Yeah, I think we go through life like zombies on autopilot a lot of the time, but when you're paying attention and you can start marking like, oh, this is happening for me. What's my internal dialogue? What's my experience with myself today? Is it just coincidence that five people gave me a scowling look? Or am I showing up into my life in a way, you know what I'm saying? And look, I lived in New York City, so sometimes you can be really open hearted on the streets and people aren't coming up to you to hug you. But in general, I would say say the way I'm feeling isn't. Is indicative of how the world responds to me.

Yeah, no, I love it, dude. I have enjoyed this time. I tell you what, man, you're. You're a big ball of light, and I really appreciate it. Where can everybody else find more about you and kind of stay connected with you as well?

I mean, I'm on Instagram and Facebook, Scott Stabile and my website, Scott stabile.com can find me there.

Dude, everybody's got to check it out. Check out Big love. You're not going to regret it. There's no doubt about it, man. Thank you. We have to do this again.

Yeah, I would love to, brother. Honestly, Steven, this has been such a joy.

Rock on. All right, man. We'll have a good one. See you, buddy.

You too, man.

Bye, guys.

I told you, Scott Stabile is an amazing human being. And I hope you got a lot from that interview. And if you did, I know you're going to love this interview right here. So check it out. Next.

What I think of where attraction goes wrong is this number one thing is men are taught to give in order to get from a woman. Since day one.