The SHOCKING Truth About Low Testosterone In Modern Men

Men have, all his health issues are all directly related to testosterone. When men are in chronic stress, they always, always, always, always have low testosterone. And when women are in chronic stress, they always, always, always have low estrogen. It's the mindset, it's the quality of relationship that stimulates the genes in men that will produce testosterone and stimulates the genes in women that will stimulate estrogen.

Guys, help me welcome the one and only John Gray. John, how are you doing, man?

I'm really happy to be with you.

Likewise. Look, you know, your, your work is profound. I think you've single handedly saved I don't know how many relationships by better communication. Everything from communication to understanding the roles better to great sex, all kinds of stuff. So I'm curious if we could start off with the importance of the duality and the polarity between a male and a female, if that's okay to get a better understanding as we kind of lay the groundwork.

Well, you know, today I consider myself a marriage activist.

It's not getting enough playtime when the younger generation really don't have role models of very successful relationships because something happened where we lost the polarity between men and women. Since you're asking about polarity, we have a male and a female side now. I have all kinds of feminine characteristics, okay? I'm very nurturing, I'm a great grandfather. I'm very much in touch with my emotions and my feelings, but I'm very much a man. And the way I know that is because.

Biologically, if you have the Y chromosome and you're a man, you're born with a penis. See, it's controversial today to say that.

Which I never thought that would be, but it is what it is.

So let's just be clear that if you have the Y chromosome, women don't have the Y chromosome. And that's called the sex differentiating gene. And that gives men 23 genes that women don't have. Whereas men have all of the genes that women have. So we all have a female side, but we have this male side. And even though the genes are that way, women do have a male side and a female side. I look at that in terms of qualities. If you're feeling independent, that's similarity versus I'm feeling dependent, okay? So I depend on food for happiness. I depend on you to get my message out there. Dependence is a part of our lives. For some people today, you can't say the word dependent, okay? It's like, oh, you're dependent on your partner, can be your partner. Just not too dependent on your partner. So you have to have a blend of independence and dependence and that's interdependence. So now why some people might say, why do you say independence is masculine? That's just some colonial idea.

No. Is that whenever you're independent and you're on your own, a hormone gets produced called testosterone. When you're feeling dependent on someone for something, another hormone primarily gets produced, which is estrogen. Difference between men and women is that for women to have well being, to feel good and to be healthy and not sick, their estrogen levels need to be 10 times more than a man's.

Profound.

Yeah.

In relationship, if I want my wife to be happy with me, I need to communicate in a way that will stimulate estrogen in her to feel she can depend on me, which means she has to feel I can trust him, I accept him, appreciate him. I can get something that I need out of him. This is just biology. Now for women have romantic feelings, they need to double their estrogen levels. So twice already, 10 times now 20 times higher than a man's average estrogen level. Women have to ascend to that. Oh, wow. That's what romance is. That's why we have romantic.

You know, in the beginning of relationships at least we have these.

Routines, you know.

Yeah. Dating and nice dinners and music and.

Wine and all those things are geared around and you're successful as a man. Provide for her to make her feel special. Women feel special, the higher their estrogen levels to go. That's why a long time ago they invented marriage. Because marriage says my wife is the most special. If I die, she gets it all. Okay. If leave, she gets half. Okay. If I only have the most special thing about marriage or romance is sex. I only have sex with her. All of these things make her feel special and intimate and that doubles her estrogen, doubles her well being. To anticipate a romantic date will raise a woman's estrogen. Now what's so important with that is that when women's estrogen levels are too low, a woman will have cortisol. She will, her body will produce stress hormones. It's not like give women shots of estrogen to solve this problem is a mindset where she feels I don't have to do things alone.

In my experience of 45 years of marriage counseling, women when they're unhappy, they will always say, I have so much to do. I have so much to do. I have no time, I have to do it all. I just feel all by myself. Rarely do I hear a Man say I have to do it all. Because for a man, we're wired up differently. Our genes are different, our brain is different in certain significant ways. So many 20,000 genes are the same, basically. But significant genes have to do with making babies. They're the sex differentiation genes. And those produce what's called steroid. Hormones are the basic hormones that allow men to get erections and women to have orgasms or. Okay, so this is bottom line reality here. If you can't have those hormones, nature tells gets rid of you because you can't make babies. So anyway, when couples stop having sex, their health usually starts declining as well. Men stop, you know, this is built into who we are as human beings. Romance then promotes intimate physical intimacy, which we call sex. Men, we need to make testosterone. When you're feeling independent, whenever you're independent on your own, your testosterone goes higher. So what's the evidence for that? Okay, and what was the evidence for women estrogen going up when they can depend on someone? Well, the simple evidence is that 90% of people who visit therapists are women go to a therapist and they depend on the therapist to listen to them as they talk. And that makes them feel safe, to express themselves and to feel the need to, to feel understood. Men don't have that as much. You know, if men come into my office, I don't just get them to talk the whole time. We strategize. You know, men want strategies to achieve a goal, to get a created outcome. Because whenever you're achieving a goal or creating an outcome, you're and you anticipate success, testosterone goes up. And a man needs at least 10 times more testosterone than a woman. Women have lots of testosterone, by the way. It's just that we men have 10 times more. Oh, wow. And to be romantic, it doubles again. And that's the bonding hormone. So if we have testosterone goes way up in our wife's presence, we start to bond with her and we stop thinking about other people. That makes her more special. And when estrogen goes up in our presence, she's very happy and she bonds with us.

And that's what the glue of marriage is. It's built into all these ingredients that will keep women's estrogen up, men's testosterone up. But it's not just marriage, particularly for men, particularly for men. They need to have a job that is productive and can provide his survival and security. Depending on a woman. See, if I'm depending on my wife for money already I'm producing all this estrogen, and that's Going to lower his testosterone. It's challenging for couples who have role reversal where the man doesn't make money and the does. It's not that they can't get over it, but it's a challenge. Okay. And I explain how to get over that. But your traditional, traditional roles where men would provide. So women would depend on men, and depending on men, they would become orgasmic and make babies. 40% of women can't make babies. Okay. This is a dramatic thing. Because they don't produce estrogen would be one aspect of it. And being in a relationship where you're depending on your partner for your. For significant things in your life, meaningful things. Now we can upgrade this. So the update of all this not to be so depressing, because it doesn't have to be. If a woman doesn't depend on a man, let's just say she depends on herself. Well, usually women who are single are higher, much higher stress. If you look at actually the research shows whether you're single or married, when women are in the workforce earning a paycheck, their stress levels are twice as high as men's.

See, when I do something I don't even like to do, but for the money, my testosterone will shoot up. When men make a sacrifice for a noble cause to support women, support your wife, Boom. Testosterone goes much higher. For women making a noble cause to support her husband and children, her testosterone will go up, but her estrogen won't. Hmm. That's the dynamic here. So in that situation, practically speaking, which is half the marriages today, how do we create that polarity for the attraction to be there? Polarity? Higher estrogen in the woman, higher testosterone in the man. It's real biological. And this is so biological that we actually put her as pheromones. So I was going to answer one little question, which how do we know independence is this masculine quality? Well, it turns out that when they do these massive studies of, of millions of males, single males have the highest testosterone for their age group. Hmm. So let's say I'm seven, I'm 70 years old, and if I was single, on average, I'd have the highest testosterone levels of any 70 year old. If you're a 35 year old and you're single, you're going to have the highest testosterone levels for your age category. Now those are your big averages. Mm. At the relationship skills that I teach, women can learn to communicate with a man, and a man can learn to communicate with a woman. That makes his testosterone go up. So mine at, at 72 years old, are 50% higher than my younger man when I was in my 30s.

Wow.

50% higher now. And, and of course, if I thinking about having sex, it will go up way much higher. Okay. The anticipation of sex, as a matter of fact, the anticipation of work for me because I know with 40, 50 years of practice, I'm going to be successful. That means fearless. When a man has no fear, his testosterone can go up 400 times.

Yeah.

Is it 400? No, four. Four times. Okay. That would be percent higher, but it's four times higher, which is huge. I mean, when, when I sit down in front of you, my mood completely changes. I know. Oh, I got something to say. It's going to help people's lives and give me people in the audience. There's no fear because I know what I'm doing. Anticipating total success. Boom. My testosterone shoots up even higher. So the idea there for men is when you have a goal and you anticipate success now, your testosterone will go higher. If you're a woman and you anticipate connection where you can depend on someone in a relationship, that's the most important thing. For estrogen. It's can depend on someone. So she could be at work pumping out all this testosterone, no estrogen, because she doesn't really feel that supported. It's all up to her. But if she anticipates I'm coming home to someone who will provide me a special kind of romantic emotional support that will raise her estrogen. And that's, that's how we're different today than in my parents generation, which is my mother didn't care about emotional support. Just have a job, dad, have a nice neighborhood and give me time to take care of my kids and police them so I can say, hey, if you don't listen to me, to the.

Boy, I'm going to tell your father.

A policeman and a provider.

Yeah.

That produce huge amounts of estrogen in women. And relationships were very functional in those days if the man had a job and could make testosterone without depending on the woman for money. Today we do depend. Over half of men all depend on their wives for their survival, security, the family, so forth. So he's not going to get that extra boost.

Even. Even knowing as a boy growing up, I knew I had to have a job, I had to work hard, I had to make money, I was ever going to get laid.

I mean, that's true.

Teenager, we're desperate.

I'll do whatever society says, okay. If I have to have a job before married. Because in my generation even it Was just shifting to the 60s. But before that when I was early teenage years, I was feeling the pressure to work, otherwise I would never get laid. Then 60s came along as I, I was in my teens now.

Pre sex, this was like the new world. It was like all the women we can, we're like men now. Yeah, you don't have to get married to have sex. We have genitals. We're going to have sex. We enjoy sex and they do. And so we had all the. And men were like, I don't have to have job to have sex. I could just go have sex. Free sex.

There goes monogamy. Um, and which is so valuable to keep women's estrogen up. Pre sex raises their testosterone so they'll be more horny, but they're not going to be happy. And they can't make it feel like they're having a family. You know, over 50% of women do not want to have children. 50% of men do not want to make a commitment to have a family. This is tragic. But instincts to have a family emerge when your estrogen levels are very high and testosterone levels are very high.

So what do you think has changed in our social environment that's caused the vast majority of us to move away from more of the traditional practices that we're working consistently for Happy, healthy marriages? I mean one thing I've seen in the book is obviously people are saying too busy, too tired, you know, get home, I'm burnout, I don't want to. That kind of thing. I also would. And maybe this is an area that I haven't heard you dig into yet. But I know for a man, if he has a bad performance, so to speak, it haunts him. Where the woman, it seems like will be just will grow increasingly more frustrated even though she might be nurturing on the front end, you know. So I'm curious, like at what point is the mind play a role, I.

Guess in kind of how hormones affect mind. But mind affects hormones. Okay, Affect mind. So my hormones are low biologically. I'm going to produce cortisol. Cortisol in inhibits my ability to think rationally. That's what's happened in the world. When everybody's afraid they can't think rationally. What happens is blood flow stops to the prefrontal cortex and you go into a non logical state where you're dependent on authority to tell you what's right. You know, blindly believing in an authority is it thing. It's a child part of the brain. It's our Basic programming, which is do what mom and dad say, do what the government says, do what the police, you know, just so all you have to do is create fear in somebody and they will become mindlessly obedient. What's happened is, is when women are doing their jobs that are producing testosterone if they don't have marriage to support them in producing the estrogen, where they feel, I'm taken care of, I don't have to do it all alone. I have a partner in life. I've got backup. And I have a new kind of emotional support, which we'll talk about, which my father didn't have to do, which is listening feelings and women learning how to go deeper into their emotions and share them.

While we say women are more emotional, they're not really good at sharing emotions. Okay, I'm a therapist. I sit in here, I'm paid lots of money, actually feel what they're feeling. You know, for example, if somebody's angry, they're really afraid. And if somebody's afraid, they're also angry. You gotta look at the. Of feelings. And women haven't been trained that way. They don't have to be trained that way to connect with another woman. Which is why you'll see so many gay couples today.

Can just say, I was stuck on the bridge today. And the other woman goes, yeah, I understand how you feel, but if the man's going to understand how it feels, he's not going to understand. I've been stuck on the bridge. I just put on a good song.

I'm not going to audiobook, so.

So I'm not going to instinctively relate to what a woman emotionally feels when she says, I was stuck on the bridge. But what happens is if women can become emotionally intelligent, which is, I was stuck on the bridge. I was so frustrated because I was late and I wanted to get there on time, and I felt disappointed. This happens again and again. Ever since we moved here. I can't get seen to get places on time. You know, I'm afraid this is going to keep up and I might be judged for being late. I feel really bad, or I'm so embarrassed because I was late. You see, that's emotions. That's. That's what I call emotional intelligence. Yeah. If you want to be able to communicate to a man and he will penetrate you, he will experience your feeling. Because we can relate to any emotion. It's just what makes you feel the emotion. We may not relate to and we may not even agree with or validate. You know, if. If a woman Says to her husband, you know, I feel like you don't love me anymore. How's it going to validate that statement? How can I say you're right?

Yeah, you're wrong? Yeah. Yeah. I've unfortunately been in those circumstances before and there is, there is no right thing to say. And at least, yeah, all right.

He says, I feel like you don't. I feel like you don't love me. You can't say, you're right, I don't love you. But women are seeking. The word now is affirmation. Before was validation. I need to learn that I'm with you here. I can understand where you're coming from. So I can say to her, I understand that must make you sad. See, now I can, I can validate that you feel sad. I can't validate that you feel I don't love you. I can understand you're having a bad day. You feel ignored. But even when you feel ignored, I'm not ignoring you. And I, I, in my world, I'm not ignoring you. I'm working all day to make money to support this family. For you see, we'll see it through our eyes. But to actually connect with her so she doesn't feel like she's just being completely ignored, I can validate the emotion, which is, and you are right in saying, you don't immediately say something. You say, help me understand that better, or what happened? What were you expecting? You know, you can ask questions, but at a certain point they need affirmation. And the affirmation comes. I understand that must make you so sad. I understand, you know, that must be scary. See, this is validation of emotion. But women are not good at identifying the emotion that goes with the feeling. That's a confusing statement for most people. I feel you don't love me is not an emotion. I feel betrayed by your action. I feel you cheated me. Okay, those are just thoughts that you feel. Yeah, that's the worst thing to do. Ideally, we're suited to.

Feel emotion. When you feel a thought, you actually give a hundred percent belief into feeling it. As opposed to, well, I think today you don't love me anymore. I think our relationship's going down the tubes and man will tell me more. Why do you think that? So you can be in a logical conversation. He'll link in there. But if you have a feeling, what women have to learn is when you're going to feel something. If you're feeling a thought and you're not happy, the thought is wrong. Except when you feel something and it's negative, your thinking is off. So when you feel I feel unheard, I feel important, it could be true because it's a positive feeling. I feel happy. You see, when it's positive, we're aligned with our soul. When it's negative or off track in some way. And so when you feel something and it makes you feel bad, you're not connected. But. But what you are have the access to feel, which would be true is when I feel bad, I actually feel afraid nobody's going to like me, what, whatever it is, bring the emotion to it. And here's what happens when women learn to do this.

Is they'll suddenly connecting to half the world. See, women feel men don't understand. So that means you're disconnected from the whole world. You get one man who actually can understand your emotions. And now you're connected to the world. You know, women will understand you. But can men? Again, it's another dynamic of am I alone in this world? You know, I'm alone. If I'm with, I'm safe being alone away from men. If I have women. But double that if you've got men. And when a woman says to me, you know, these women take my classes, I just, thank you so much. You know, my husband, we're so happy together. We're so connected because they feel seen, they feel heard, because they learn how to communicate in a way. And for us guys, we can learn how to listen in a way that makes it safe for her to eventually get back to her emotions. But I'll tell you, that's the long route. Yes, if, you know, sometimes couples will say, we've got young kids, we can't come to your workshops. Who should come, the man or the woman? Always the woman should come. Women are embedded in. They feel the need for relationship 10 times more than men. Hormonally, the relationship is what stimulates estrogen, you and me. Whereas for men, it's not so much relationship. It's the relationship of me with my work, with my outcome, with what I can do. You know, this is. So as a little tip for the men, don't even think about being in a relationship with a woman until you can be happy achieving your goals. See, if you don't feel good about choosing your goals, you'll find some woman and you'll become like a child, depending on her to make you happy. Now, I do depend on my wife to become happier. You know, intimacy and family life takes me to another level. But I first have a foundation of, you know, if she's in a bad mood and can't give me anything. I feel good about myself.

Yeah.

I'm not depending on her happiness for me to feel happy. Although it's still true when she's happy, I will take credit for it and feel good.

Well, it seems to me that in some cases people are searching for their own validation and affirmation in the wrong places. One of the things that I kind.

Of dawned on a profound thought that's just. Look at that. I just want to acknowledge that for men looking for your affirmations through what you've accomplished, through what you. Through what you're capable of, what you. What sacrifice you made. I mean, all I have to do is fast for two days and I feel a huge surge of testosterone, you know, so, yeah, that may. People can do that. You know, I did. You know, this is the dynamic of an accomplishment or a sacrifice that you make in order to achieve a noble a goal.

And that's masculinity. When women do that, they don't feel better.

Well, that's the other thing too is I've been. And this is. I'm just being vulnerable here. I've had relationships in times past where we have that duality, the polarity that seems like it's all in vibes. Almost like you have the soulmate connection and things are firing all cylinders. Everything's great. And then obviously you're in the relationship for a period of time. Your racer goes through various stresses that can affect, you know, outside world, you know, going through a business reversal or any number of things. And one of the things that I've seen that's not as attractive to me is when was when my former female partner would go into a super masculine kind of posture. Because I'm very comfortable in masculinity. I'm still learning my feminine side to kind of be that empathetic listener and kind of stood like. And you know, tell me more. You know, getting into that questioning scenario. In fact, it was actually that lesson that taught me. One of the things that I've shared from stage before is that questions open hearts and statements close them. Because I learned for a long time ago, it was like, you know, I would make comments trying to understand, but I wasn't asking questions. And therefore I never really got any track record. The moment I just. I'll tell you where the. I tell you where the idea came from asking questions. There's a. There's a video on YouTube that's called. It's not about the nail. Have you ever seen it? Before.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's based on love that video.

It's always but it's women will. Regardless of the practical solution, women need to talk about the problem and they don't want to have. They don't want solutions. And then they that's in Mena from Mars. And then they took that and made the funniest video in the universe.

I love that video.

Tell everybody the name of it so you can go watch it.

Yeah, I think, I mean when I searched it was called it's not about the nail.

So and so basically I don't want to give the punchline. Let everybody go watching this funny. But basically a woman could be upset about something and there's a solution. Like you can find it in a minute. Logically, there's a solution which in most situations men do this. You women will be talking about something and they'll say don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. Like that's going to tell her not to be upset.

Do this or who cares about that person anyway? I learned this right away at my marriage because my wife was working her job, I was working my job and I'm making more money than her and she was complaining about her job. She's so exhausted. Oh, I did this and had to do that. Nobody's supporting me and I honey, just quit that job. I can support you.

I don't need you to tell me to quit my job. I know I could quit my job. I love my job. But some days I just need to talk about my job. All you have to do is listen and give me a hug and I'll give more phrases for guys to use when you give that hug. But you have all these solutions that you would apply so you wouldn't be upset. She just needs to talk about it out loud and that will raise her estrogen. That will take away the stress feeling. She can look at the situation very logically at that point. And then what you say to her is this a good phrase Min can use again and again and again. It's just like a phrase saying I love you. It's honey, you do so much for so many people. Let me give you a hug. You see that? Just like there's no solution.

Just like they're and a great sex occurs.

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That's nice. Absolutely. Another phrase we would use is a Mars talk or Venus talk. A Mars talk. One of my brothers said it was the favorite part of my book because his very emotional for them to learn. Are we doing a Venus talk? Are we doing a Mars talk? And in Venus talk I'm just going to listen and validate and seek to understand, not try to solve anything. And then we're going to do a mars talk. We're going to leave feelings out of it. Okay? Now, you can't talk about feelings that get hurt because, see, if somebody shares a feeling and then you basically, well, that's. You don't need to feel that. Boom. That person just felt attacked. Okay? You don't need to feel that way, particularly if you're a woman. Now, I have a men's group, and in my men's group, I rarely get upset about anything, but one of the guys was listening too much to the authorities, and I was just upset with him.

Yeah.

And. And I was just really annoyed that he would think that. And. And I got angry at him. And as soon as I got angry, all my group member men, they started laughing and they said, oh, John, I think you're overreacting. I said, okay, you're right. I am overreacting. Okay. To say to a man, you're overreacting. We know we are. Logically, anytime you're my belief system, anytime you're upset, you're overreacting.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, you're right. Yeah, you're right. No worries.

Yeah, you know, I mean, this is grounded in masculinity. And, you know, there's all these pansy university professors who say, oh, poor men. They're expected to be so tough, and they're expected to have no emotions. That's right. Men, you got to suck it up. If you're upset, you need to know what's going on. Your estrogen levels are soaring, and your masculinity, your testosterone is going down. See, this is how people don't know this. This is like a revelation that we want to be masculine. Right? We want to be cool, calm, and collected. We want a heart open. We want to be loving guys. So in order to have your heart be open, your testosterone levels have to be really high. And then your estrogen goes up. See, feeling is estrogen. But if your emotion's going up and it's a negative emotion, your testosterone's going down.

Hmm.

It's like, I don't shame a man, you know, being. Having. Being his emotions. But if it's just guys around with guys who understand this stuff, we make a joke about it. See, guys, joke.

Yeah.

Saw the validation of this concept because I'm not an emergency worker, but a fireman is. And I had a fireman in one of my classes. And he says, you know, John, when you talk about men have to make jokes to lighten things up as a part of processing Their stress.

Some firemen that. He said as a fireman, when we're driving away, you know, we make jokes about, you know, that charred body just dissolve right up right away. You know, they light it up. Well, you should. That lady sure would have been better. If you don't, you know, they, I don't know what you think, but they have to lighten it up. And then they sort of find their, their epidemic equilibrium. And if they need to explore feelings, they can. It's not that men can't explore feelings. There's an old Chinese, which I subscribe to. It's an old Chinese phrase which is a man, not a child. A boy can cry. A man doesn't cry unless his heart is broken. That basically means when there's a big problem.

Then a big loss. Of course, tears are part of the grieving process. But speaking biologically now, I'm not just going to talk logically, I'm going to talk biologically. If a man's experiencing adrenaline, this is moderate stress. There's two, there's motivation, which is dopamine. And then when there's danger in motivation, like you're driving, if you have speed limit 60, you're now going 80, you need to look in your rear view mirror, make sure there's no police.

You know, deer. Okay, so there's moderate danger, but you feel confident that everything's going to be fine. So notice what happens in your body when you go from 60 to 80. That's called adrenaline. Adrenaline pumping. And then when you go from 80 to. Well, for fun, let's just say 110.

Ah, like that. Okay.

I like my sports cars. It's good.

Well, you know, I want. For me it was 150, but I couldn't do corners on 150. But just to do that was.

That'S producing cortisol. Okay. So there's different wiring in our body. When a man experiences adrenaline different from a woman. When a man experiences adrenaline, that's moderate stress, different direction, his emotions turn off, actually become cool, calm and collected. That's why these people climb mountains and whatever. They're addicted to freedom from negative emotions. I mean, they're just endorphins in their brain and they're basically. And because they're so confident, you have to have huge amounts of confidence. They're just producing dopamine. But then when there's danger and they're, they're still confident, then there's going to be adrenaline. And when the adrenaline kicks in, he's free from negative emotions. You Become free from fear, you basically detach. You can measure adrenaline in a man's body. Blood flow stops to the emotional part of the brain. Stops. Woman, adrenaline, moderate stress. Right. Adrenaline that they live in a sea of moderate stress. Okay. Adrenaline amplifies the flow of blood flow to the emotional part of the brain by eight times. Eight times more emotion in a woman, that would be eight times more anger. Or if she's more declined to be, feel disappointed and sad like a victim or fear. Or it could be feeling bad. And then those emotions give rise to judgmentalness and feeling overwhelmed and a whole bunch of things from there. But that, that negative emotion, the blood flow going to her emotional part of the brain goes up. When she's having moderate stress for men, it goes down. That's why when women are upset, we will always think they're overreacting.

For us, in that same situation, we would have less emotion. Yeah. And so a woman could actually get emotional with us, which then produces a bit of adrenaline in us, and then we detach.

Yeah.

Okay. True disconnect. And we're thinking what she's saying here. You know, that's the first stage. Then what happens for men? If you're in adrenaline state and now you're feeling. I'm not confident. Okay. You lose your confidence. Then adrenaline turns into cortisol. Cortisol happens, is a process of. Now his estrogen levels will continue to rise and his testosterone will start going down.

Then we become emotional when we think problems are big. Women become emotional when they think problems are little. Wow. They're saying problems are big. You know, always saying, why are you upset about that? It's no big deal. She goes, I know it's no big deal, but why are you disconnect.

Why aren't you upset?

So we don't enchant unless we have a higher intelligence that realizes she's reacting with emotional upset. And we think she's saying it's a big thing, when actually it's a little thing that's upsetting her. When it becomes a big thing. When a woman is in the cortisol state. When women are in cortisol, their testosterone levels are rising, rising, rising, and their emotions are going down, down, down. When the woman is saying, I want to leave my husband. And well, how does that feel? I feel nothing. And. And the guy thinks, when she says, I'm ready to leave. Thinks need to work out the problem. No, she. She's in the cortisol, chronic cortisol state where she no longer has any emotions or feelings. About you. She's not scared. Okay? Whereas a man, when he's in that cortisol state, his emotions start to get the better of him. For her and the cortisol state, her testosterone gets the better of her. And testosterone as a virtue is detachment. Now, people don't understand how powerful wonderful detachment is for men. When a man is detached, it means his testosterone is up and he can be empathetic without being reactive.

Yeah, it's true.

Detachment doesn't mean.

Disinterest. Okay? It doesn't mean. Or uncaring. Detachment just means I'm not reacting defensively to what you're saying. I can actually be present, which we're trying to do is let me put my emotions to the side. My reactivity, like, what does that mean to me? You know, she. If she's saying, you forgot to leave the toilet seat up, you know, well, that's about me. So I have to be able to not react as if it's about me. But it has. My reaction needs to be empathy, which is about. Well, tell me what happened. Did you fall in the toilet seat? Oh, my gosh, that's terrible. Okay. I was trying to remember. Next time. All right, so. So. So that's an empathetic response, which is in responding about her, not right away going into defensiveness, which is hard for men to do because we're defenders. You know, we're the policeman. We're geared. If somebody's threatened, I got to defend. So it's a. It's. We need to shift that to. I need to defend her against any judgmentalness that I might. And to know what that judgmentalness sounds like to her. When we interrupt her with solutions.

We laugh about what? That's ridiculous. Honey. Why would you be upset about that? Oh, you know, this is just your stuff. This is your childhood coming back. Oh, you're probably had a bad day. You don't want to dismiss. See, what we're doing as men, which is what we need to do in order to get out of cortisol, is get back into the adrenaline state, which is basically minimize. Minimize emotional reactions. That's what men tend to do, is that's not such a big deal. I can do it. That's very important to do. Yeah, testosterone. But if a woman is needing to express, we don't want to minimize. We want to amplify. We give her more permission to be upset without it affecting us. Now, women can learn from that. If you have something critical of your partner or you want to complain to your partner, you you're just knocking down his testosterone. This is. You're killing the polarity when you complain to a man. If women could just learn not to complain. A complaint is really just a request. Okay.

It's just, it's just phrase, not great.

Well, it's actually, it's a manipulative statement, which is when it's a complaint, it's saying, unless you change, I won't be happy. As opposed to, I'm not going to ask us, would you do that? Well, no, I don't want to do that. Okay. There, see, there's no emotional demand at the end. Yeah, we know that. They control us. And some of them act like they don't know. So maybe they don't know. They don't have that awareness. Women.

One of my friends teaches seminars, so I'll give him credit for Warren Farrell. He'd be a wonderful person to interview as well. He wrote the Boy Crisis, but he's written the book why Men Are the Way They Are. Great, great. In depth exploration of men and workshops. He asks the audiences, he says, now who. Who feels like they criticize too much and when all the women will raise their hands. Okay. And many men don't because they don't. Okay, yeah, we don't want to be criticized, so we don't criticize. And how many people feel like they complain too much? And the women will all raise their hands. And how many people feel like they're too controlling and the women don't raise their hand? Every man will say, one of my three complaints. She's critical, she complains, and she's too controlling. So he has to help women understand why a man experiences feeling controlled by a woman. It's because our testosterone, our well being, will go up if she's happy and if she's unhappy, our testosterone will go down. So if she phrases her request, I'm really unhappy, and I'll be even more unhappy if you don't change, what is he going to feel?

He's going to feel like he has to quote, unquote, change or concede.

Right? And that's called feeling controlled. So when women use criticism or complaints from a place of you're not making me happy and if you do this, then you'll make me happy. Otherwise I won't be happy. You're just controlling this man. And no woman wants to feel controlled by her husband, wants to feel controlled by his wife. So if women understand that more, they can realize these emotion packed complaints are unproductive. But a request is productive. So here's an example of my wife being upset with me for not turning on the light for 10 years. Turning off the light in the living room, you know, I go through turn off sometimes, but lots of times it'd be left on the times I leave it on, right? And so she's walking through all the lights on again. John hasn't turned on. I'll have to turn off the light. In the beginning, she would ask and ask and then I would do my best. But sometimes, right. There's a little things that actually build into the big stuff in marriages. So this is an example of what she did to solve it. First of all, you know, I didn't change. I just kept. Maybe I changed a little, who knows? But she would. Every time I leave the light on, she'd give me disapproval. You left the light on again. And I'm looking at why she making a big deal out of this, right? The light switch, what's the big deal? And we'd have conversations about it. She'd say, it's the electric bill. So I solved that problem. We have free energy, so you have free energy. Who cares if the lights are on? Well, there's light bulbs, evidently.

But whatever. Yeah, but she, she went conversation chief and said, look, we have to be an example of energy conservation for ecology. Okay, so. And, and what I had to do was not laugh. I said, well, that's true. We should have good, good values. Okay? So. And of course, if I did last, it would, it would minimize her, her values. So we have to be careful how we respond to women. But why was she getting so upset as the years passed? Because in her mind, again, her not understanding men, in her mind, I've asked him 10 times and he still hasn't done it. It's such an easy thing for her to do. It must be an easy thing for him to do. I've asked for 10 years and he hasn't done it perfectly.

That must mean if I ask for something little and he won't do it, he must not love me. What if I ask for something big? See, the reality is you ask for little stuff. Men forget it all the time because we're, we're designed to think of the big stuff. Yeah, you get paid for the big stuff. We save lives doing the big stuff. We get statues to us for the big stuff. We get promotions for the big stuff. And we make our happy, our whole, our family happy by the big stuff. So the little stuff's not that important. It doesn't. There's not a lot of motivation Inside of that man. But that same man who says, gee, if you won't do little stuff for me, how can I trust him to do big stuff for me? How can I depend? Of course you can depend on him for the big stuff. This is little stuff. But her mind isn't wired that way. See, in her mind, doing little stuff is a way of showing love, which now we can flip that around. And for men to realize the logic here, if you do lots of little things, women feel really loved. Yeah, big thing. They feel loved. But you know, the principle.

They notice the consistency.

That's right. The concessions. It's consistency. It's give her 50 roses once a year, you'll get one point. Give her one rose 50 times, you get 50 points. This is biological. See, it's a biological thing, which is. And we do still need to do a few big things. You got to do like birthdays, anniversaries, special occasion that then sort of affirms that I'm special. But then you've got to do these little things which is. Has the big result, which is consistency. And so many men say, you know, I make money, I do this, I do that. How can she still not love by me? Because she needs a lot of little things like affection. And you know, one of my coaches, one of my coach, trainer, he was talking to me the other day and we have over like thousands of coaches around the world that I trained 30 years, only a few hundred really active ones. Now they've all gone on, they're doing other things too. You know, they another course, but sure needs. I work with them and those coaches, what they'll do is a guy in a relationship. You say, okay, now it's a little things that make a difference. So list out to me five things you're going to do this week. One of the little things, and it's like, okay, I'm going to write a little note on the. On the mirror. A little sticky. I love you, honey. And then you take it away. Gone. Now you're going to do another one.

Which is.

Going to empty the dishwasher without being asked.

Exactly. Nice. The dishwasher without being asked. Plan and plan. A little date. Something new and different coming up in three or four days.

Make sure to notice what she's wearing and compliment her when you give her a hug, whisper in her ear on Friday, I love you so much. You're so beautiful. You see? Just right out and see, men don't do this stuff. Even in the middle of this conversation, it's hard for Me to remember those things. But if you write them out, I'm going to do that this week. Then it's a goal already. Your brain is going to anticipate getting. Getting successful doing that. That will produce the testosterone that will motivate you to do that. If you just think, yeah, I'll do little things for me, what I do, I just have formulas, okay? They keep my testosterone up. I get four hugs a day. I wake up, give a hug. I say goodbye to work. Where are you? I'm going to give you a hug. I come home, I find her before the kids, give her a hug or bed. Oh, you're going to bed. Oh, first let me give you a hug. See, those hugs is such a. And hugs are eight seconds. And I don't rub my penis at her.

That's called bumping and grinding, actually.

So those are the little things. I always, when I go into the room, I stroke her hair. She. I said. She said, you know, I need to feel seen and heard. What would, what would make you feel seen and heard? She said, well, if you came in, when you come into the kitchen, just come over by me and stroke my hair just a little. Like a. Like petty petting a cat. Oh, just a little pet. And she likes that. You know, Find out little things that your partner would like, acknowledge them. And 80% of women will tell you. 20% of women don't know what they would like. You have to just real. It might even be a higher number. Now it's not. You don't have to do that because, see, they're more on their male side. If my wife comes into the den, I don't need her to come over and touch me or whatever. I prefer.

Yeah, but like in high school, one of the things you would do is you go to her best friend. I'm like, hey, what is so and so? Like, yeah, yeah, you know, so maybe that's a. You know, I'm just trying to think of strategies to kind of do that. With a couple minutes we got left. One of the things I wanted to kind of maybe ask about is like, you've done a lot of work with, With Mars and Venus and a lot of great books and resources. Everything from obviously communication to sex. Everything. What was missing from your.

From the marketplace, if you will, of why you went ahead and did Beyond Mars from Venus.

Oh, okay. Can I finish the last point with very important. So the light switch thing. One day, many years ago, she came in the kitchen. I was making a sandwich. I still remember it because it was so like a revelation. And she smiled like she something really good had happened. She said, john, I've noticed you've been turning out the light more often. I just want to remind you how good it makes me feel. Then she just said, it's no big deal, but sometimes you still forget, and walked out of the room. It's the feather touch. That's what you remember. I still remember. It's like the little don't make a big deal out of things. So when you're ever complaining to men, always preface it is now, it's not such a big deal or don't worry about it, but sometimes you forget. What I really want to remind you is how much I love this. Or would you do this for me? It's not a big deal. Would you help me with this? It'll be so nice. See, it's.

And then you get to pull the big Superman ass out of your chest.

That's right. That's right. You know, just let him. Let him feel successful and he'll do more for you. So this is, you know, and I have to say, some audiences that didn't come to hear me speak, but I just happened to be at a conference where other people speakers. When I say those examples, some women will go, you know, or I to treat them like a baby. You talking about treat him like a man who deserves a lot of love. You know, it's just that, you know, what if we're talking about babies, let's look at what men have to do. We have to listen to you, we have to validate you, we have to give you hugs, we have to reassure you, we have to take you on dates. We have to plan. We're the ones who are treating you. That's okay. Because ironically, when a man nurtures, he feels more like a man. But when a woman nurtures a man, she feels like a mother.

Hmm, Interesting.

Nurturing hormones. So when she's nurturing you, helping you, you have to be careful, not let a woman help you too much because get into this mother, mother mold where she's now going to try to change you all the time. And many women have said to me, you know, I can't be turned on. I feel like I'm his mother, I do everything for him. So you gotta be careful. We're getting too much from a woman. You have to always balance it by giving more of the things that are meaningful to her.

Yeah, yeah.

No man wanted to finish that one. You had a question for me about.

Yeah, no, I was just saying, you know, You've done so much amazing work with Mars and Venus. You know, what was the catalyst to coming up with beyond Mars and Venus? Like what was missing from the conversation or what did you feel like that was missing?

Well, what came into that book? First of all, there's another book over here I wrote in 2008 and that was called why Mars and Venus Collide. And when women were becoming really more like men and men were becoming more like women, meaning more sensitive.

Reverse polarity. Was that reverse polarity?

Reverse polarity was going on. So that book was all about the reverse polarity. And then I continued looking because, you know, they're always attacking me. Okay. You know, it's just like now that women don't even exist. Right. So there's no difference between us at all. And so I have to had to come down into the biology to explain. Look on the brain differences. But there's so many similarities in the brain that people actually wrote books against me saying there are not that many differences in the brain. All it takes is two or three differences in your brain different.

All right, well all it takes is two or three differences and we're monkeys, so I totally understand that.

Exactly, exactly. So anyway.

What happened is I started studying hormones because nobody and science disagrees that men and women's hormones for well being are completely different. And all of our health issues, women have so many health issues directly linked to low estrogen or not enough progesterone and too much testosterone. And men have all his health issues are all directly related to testosterone. Certainly they're related to other things. But key factor is, we know in science, it cortisol. Cortisol is a major inhibitor weakening of the immune system, circulation, heart disease, all these things can come down. Living in a state of chronic stress. And when, when men are in chronic stress, they always, always, always, always have low testosterone. And when women are in chronic stress, they always, always, always have low estrogen. So it's not that, you know, just giving estrogen or testosterone is a solution, it's the mindset, it's the quality of relationship with the environment around us. You know, that stimulates the genes in men that will produce testosterone and stimulates the genes in women that will stimulate estrogen. And so this is called epigenetics about these genes. But if I don't have stimulation for testosterone, it doesn't go up. And if I don't have external stimulation for estrogen for a woman, it doesn't go up to the levels of aids. And it's not just the environment Although environment plays a huge role in terms of our culture. We live in the, the, the relationships that we're in. But also now we've got, you know, these horrible pesticides, Ultrazine, which makes frogs and male frogs into females and, you know, really lowers males testosterone. So, you know, even 20, they have 20% less testosterone in males than 20 years ago. So we have to fight that by making sure our relationships stimulate higher testosterone and higher estrogen women. Which is why as a man, your testosterone doesn't have to go down as you get older, it can go up. And for women, they will produce less estrogen when they go through menopause, but they can balance that with their testosterone by not having too much testosterone. And then you're always about the balance of the male, female side. And I have women clients who are 70s having multi orgasms. So it's not like you have to run out of estrogen. It's the balance between testosterone and estrogen.

Yeah, I got about three quarters of the way through the book before I realized, hey, I may have to read this with a highlighter so I can actually figure out some of these little techniques here or there. I know that in 2017.

I went through a very stressful thing with one of my businesses, just executive team, you know, embezzlement and all this kind of stuff and my interest in sex and all of that kind of stuff just was gone. Gone.

No bigger blow to testosterone than business failure. Oh, my God.

Yeah. So we, you know, so I went through that and then tried to rebuild after, you know, things got repaired and things were working again, clicking around, all that kind of stuff. And I went to go take some, some blood work and blood tests, realized that my testosterone had dropped below my norm for my age group even after that transition, and chose to go ahead and get on some supplementation that's now kind of got me back to normal. And as someone who has historically had a lot of testosterone, especially growing up, right. They tell you all the time, hey, your testosterone is gonna, is gonna fall as you get older and all this kind of stuff. And one of the things I picked up on really quick is that's not necessarily the case. It's kind of how you, how you kind of live your life that controls.

That whole balance, how you live your life. And a big factor of it is your sex life. Okay. And that's also why my testosterone's so high, is.

If you ejaculate too much, your testosterone will go down. Masturbation is the biggest contributing factor for these young men. Masturbating all the time to porn. It's just going down, down, down.

What happens, I mean, if you're horny, I get it. You know, you're a horny guy. Go out and use your. Use your body and raise your testosterone in other ways. Like I used to take it as the younger God. I was celibate as a monk for nine years. So I masturbated sexual energy, never masturbated at all, and then have very. A lot of sexual potency. And over the years, I learned how to not ejaculate even when you're having sex.

So basically, I have sex every day and my testosterone goes higher and higher, unless my wife's out of town or something. And then I can just meditate. My energy will go up. But the, the big thing that young people need to know for men is when you masturbate, your est. Your testosterone levels will come back to your baseline, but your baseline will go down, down, down. You know, the Internet, the biggest thing on the Internet is porn. Okay. Is the. Yeah, it's the biggest money maker is porn. And so it is.

But it also does a lot of damage to a man's brain. I've, I've personally stuck. It stayed away from it just because of the damage it does.

Okay, the damage it does to your brain. Then also the effect reflects on your testosterone levels with that, the same damage that you would get from cocaine. High stimulation desensitizes your dopamine receptors heights, so that now to feel aroused, you need higher levels of stimulation. Now, a woman can never produce that high level of stimulation than a, than a fake woman. Fantasy, not lack of reality. Yeah. Doesn't knock your testosterone down, it knocks it up. A real woman, she has, you're feeling all this love for her, and you're connecting energetically.

There's another chemical that's thrown into the mix if it's monogamous, right?

That's right. That's a prolactin. If you're in a monogamous relationship, prolactin gets produced, which starts up regulating your dopamine receptor sites. So you don't need. Matter of fact.

I can't even be turned on to another woman. Okay. You know, just, I. I was thinking, I was doing a search for red light therapy and just it's yesterday and it ended up. It's a red light thing called red something, but it ended up on a red light website. All right, so this, we're all having sex and everything, and I looked at it, had no reaction at all. Just Turned out, it's kind of like because big X click, I see a little cleavage on my wife kabang, you know, because I bonded with her. That's over time bonding by being monogamous with a relationship. And just for people to know, if you don't practice and you can learn how to be multi orgasmic as a man without ejaculating, then you can have sex for an hour or something. You know, it's fantastic. Intercourse, you know, it's fantastic. Yeah. The. And it's not that pump, pump, pump the whole time. You know, you're changing positions and you're. The main thing I teach men is how to bring the energy up by expressing love. By expressing. See most people don't talk in sex that much.

Yeah.

But actually if you talk, the energy goes up instead of just being in your genitals. Interesting. And it's just tension building down south because all this energy is activated, but it's not going through the acupuncture channels to the rest of your body. So the idea is when you're starting to get close to ejaculation, what you do is make sure you're talking okay. And the woman has to be wanting to be to hear what you say. So here's a little a game we play which is she says, do you love me? And I love you so much. Tell me how much you love me and oh, I love you like the moon and the stars. And tell me what you do to. To for me because you love me so much. Oh, I work so hard. See, it's a fun conversation which is completely polarized.

Yeah. And almost playful.

And very playful. Very playful. You know, next life I'll be with you always. I'll be with you forever. Because actually eternal feelings, we get so connected to the soul. Our love is eternal. So you love me, love me. I'll always love you. You know you're the one for me. I'm so lucky to be with you. See all these statements is bringing the energy to the heart and up to the throat center and coming out. You have to be able to send the energy up. Most people aren't aware of how to make energy flow through their bodies. But all you have to do is just feel your love and even change your mind. You're not having sex to ejaculate. You're having sex to feel more. And what are you feeling more? Well, you're feeling pleasure. So that allows you to feel more. Now you use that ability to feel, to feel your love and then communicate your love. So it's no longer just this gentle thing, but it's this heartfelt thing and this mind thing. And you have to discuss this in advance because. Because you can't just be in the.

Middle and break out. Hey, hey.

The thing is, when a man says these things, unless it lands with an open vagina, so to speak, you can put your penis, but you gotta have an open vagina. What opens the heart is for her to reveal vulnerability, which is, do you love me? Every woman when she's naked is insecure. It's just. Even when she's wearing clothes, she's insecure. How do I, so at that time of insecurity, express the vulnerability, which is, do you love me? Do you think I'm beautiful? Will you always be with me? Am I the number one? Am I the only one for you? Absolutely, honey. You're the only one. Will you always be there for me? No. We don't know logically if we're always going to be there. You can't know the future. A lot of guys really know. That's foolishness. That's not romantic love talk. This is pillow talk. So. So that's the dynamic of bringing the energy up. And very simply put, men, if you just let go of the idea of ending sex, is you want to go on for it more and more.

I think the average man wants it to go on forever.

Wants it to go on, you know, so, yeah, but ejaculation is just the end. But like you say, it damages your brain because what it is, it's a big hit of dopamine. Like you took cocaine. And that then downregulates receptor sites. So now, like, it kind of built, particularly after masturbation, you just feel completely empty because you didn't even get the energy back. You know, if a woman's feeling love, your energy is going to her, her appreciation of you, her enjoyment of you. Pleasure is energy coming back into your body and in certain place like that. And that's the dynamic. If you just say, you know, it's sometimes just as simple as in three strokes, I'm going to ejaculate.

That's it.

Instead, at that point, what does your body do in order to ejaculate? Is a spasm. It does. It's a pelvic spasm that shakes your whole body. Okay.

Yeah.

Three strokes before what you do is. It's coming. So rather than give her those three strokes, have the same body reaction, just consciously have that spasm. Because if you're about to have ejaculation, the reason Men ejaculate primarily is because her body can no longer receive the energy. That's the idea. When she becomes vulnerable and you're expressing love, it's her estrogen that's going up. Her estrogen just can't match your, your testosterone. That's happening at that time. So her body. That's why we have foreplay. You know, if you have, if you don't do all the foreplay, it's just to raise a woman's estrogen. But if you're having sex without ejaculating, a woman hardly needs foreplay. Everything changes. She's wanting sex almost every day, every hour.

Well, because she's not used to, for lack of a better word, having it last that long.

That's part of it. But even. And if you ejaculate, you have to realize your potency drops. And that is a disconnection. Men roll over and go to sleep. I was just an Africa saw gorilla, had sex for three strokes and he ran well up went to sleep.

We gotta be better than gorillas, guys.

We gotta upgrade our Becky Love skill. These are some ideas. I certainly have a lot more on that subject, but there's wonderful books written on the subject as well. But the, the idea that I use is just be aware of the spasm. And now you can consciously have that same movement of the spasm and the energy will be released. It's just too much. See, if energy is flowing and she's receiving, it's all good. At a certain point, her estrogen is not going high enough to receive the energy. It's receptivity. So now the energy gets blocked and blocked that tension. So the body has a, like a short circuit. It releases attention with a spasm which releases massive dopamine and starts making you addicted to ending sex as opposed to enjoying it going on and on and on. And then you have the problem. How do you stop? You just do. When she's done. When she. Just tell me when you're done, honey. And you stop and you've got this guy standing straight up and go away. Just now you say, some love thought hug. Let oxytocin settle in. Oxytocin will lower your erection. You know, they all talk about oxytocin as lowers stress. It only lowers stress in women. It doesn't lower stress in men, but it will lower your. It will lower your erection.

Well, I know we're a little over on time, but I sure enjoyed the conversation. I highly recommend all of your work. I've been reading some of it for A long time. I was first introduced. First introduced to it, men from Mars, women from Venus, and kind of been following ever since. So thank you so much.

You know, a lot of that sex stuff is in. In my book, Beyond Mar, Mars, Venus in the Bedroom. Since we got into sex. It's a wonderful.

I think that's what the guys really want. And I. I would. I would actually say the females probably want the same thing. I think everybody wants the same thing, but nobody's. Nobody's really willing to talk about it.

And to interconnect because it's hard to talk about it. It's the most vulnerable part of us, and that's married for five years. And finally my wife says, you know, that's not my clitoris. It's actually over here. You feel like, what?

But the. The. The book is something which you read together. It's very easy to read, very short, but it inspires a little conversation or, you know, ooh, that sounds good. Oh, I see. You know, kind of like, validate, validate, validate, and it's easier to start talking about it. It's very important, women to be able to communicate where their spots are, what feels really good, be able to keep them there. You know, the body's very different from ours. We've got one spot. That's it.

Which is a little unfair. But, hey, we'll. We'll make it work. We know what we're doing, so that's good. Where can everybody find out more about your work and kind of where to pick up the book and even some of the mini courses you have?

Well, all my. All my courses books are at Mars, @marzvenous.com it'll bring. It will send you to Amazon. They carry all my books. But I do have courses@MarsVenus.com, two courses for women only. One's called Understanding Men. Another one's called how to get your me time. We time and you time, balancing the different hormones in your body through different shifts of your behavior. And then I have another one called Secrets of great sex, which men and women will tend to be drawn to.

Awesome, John, thank you again so much, man. Your work is amazing. And, yes, we all need more information and more ways to connect with our spouses, for sure.

Very nice. Thank you so much, Stephen. Real pleasure.

All right, John, take care. See you.

I hope you liked that video.

And if you did, make sure you check out this next video right here. What I believe is that the gap between limiting beliefs and oversimplification of success is context.