Steve D. Valentine shares a three-step framework—Pause, Identify, Respond—he developed during rehab and tattooed on his wrist. The method teaches you to recognize when you're reacting, examine what's driving it, and choose a thoughtful action instead. He shows how it works in relationships, parenting, and business.
Chapters
Pause, identify, respond. 3 words that stood out on a board as I sat in therapy and rehab. They were words that I wrote down frantically in a journal that became ink permanently inscribed on my left wrist with a pause button. So now I bet you ask, well, how'd you get there? Why did it happen? Where are we at now? And that's what I want to give you today is just this moment that may change your life because it did mine and it has so many others. Pause, identify, respond. So pause is living in the moment and realizing that when things get heated, relationships, life, business, any of it, to live in the pause. You know, kind of like when you're up late, you're watching a movie and you got to go to the bathroom, which I do all the time at 48, which really sucks. It's the pause button, right? And you can come back to where you were. Now, what happens if you don't pause? What do you miss? What happens? Well, it came from a long line of not realizing that I needed a pause in life. When I drank to becoming somebody that I wasn't, where my head and my heart were disconnected. And rehab was really a pause in life. It was 30 days disconnected so that I could identify who I had become, where it had come from in my past and my background, and started unraveling my life as to where I had been conditioned and what I had been through and the experiences that led for me to become an alcoholic. And I learned that I was drowning my heroism on a daily basis because I wanted to save everybody, and it wasn't my job to save everybody. It was my goal to support as many people as I could that shared an equal exchange of energy or passion. I did things for the wrong reason. I made big mistakes in life. But what I learned in the pause and in rehab was to identify identify where it all come from, what I was feeling, what was going on in my marriage. And identifying comes with a lot of hard questions. Who had I become? I wasn't the person I set out to be. I don't think any of us set out to be addicts or drunks or anything. It's an evolution, right? It's when we become off course. You know, another, another tattoo on my arm is, is the compass rose. And I believe if we can pause long enough to identify where we've gotten off course, that we can course correct through the right decisions. And so when you do identify— so I identify this way, right? There was a rock in my life, it was alcohol. That was the first identification I needed to remove from my life. And in order to remove that, I had to do a lot of work and a lot of discipline and a lot of tough times. But through that pause, I identified what was going on in my life and where I needed to do the most work. And then there's the response, response to what you've paused and identified in your life that's making it difficult. And by the way, it's also a good thing to pause and identify the things that are good in your life so that you don't backtrack off course. Like, I constantly am identifying how I feel as a sober guy and what it does with my family, the feelings I get with my friends. Just the feeling of sitting out here having this conversation with you right now, it's completely different than it was 3 years ago. And when you have time to respond, you then make better choices and you have less reactionary consequences. You see, I was a young guy and you You know, definitely during my drinking days, I was a reactionary person, very ego-driven, very look at me, do you know what I've accomplished? Those were always my reactionary comments or flip-its to people. And what I love now is the pause and identifying the responding is that the silence actually bothers people more than the response does. And you learn in life to work through that with everything. So here's what I would share with you today and how you can utilize what I learned in rehab. Pause, identify, respond works in everything in your life. Pause is when you know something is, is an awareness. So if you are getting heated with somebody on the phone, pause, either mute it or hang it up. We all know how bad cell phone service can be. So if you hang it up and take the pause and then sit there for a second, go, why is this person pissing me off? Why does this bother me? Is this my story? And how does it impact me? Now you've identified whatever that is. Now you can call them back. And now you can respond thoughtfully and appropriately rather than the knee-jerk reaction. You see, I used to be the guy that was the first one. I don't know about you, but I'm the first one that would go in and kick over your Legos while you were building them. Like big brother, little brother. But I would also be the first person to come back and go, dude, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. Like, it just overwhelmed me because of this. And then I would help you put your Legos back together. Good news is I've pretty much quit doing that these days. And I enjoy the process of being able to pause. And it works with your kids. And it works in your business. One of the greatest experiences in my life was the change after rehab and the permission to pause, pause who I was, pause what my business was, identify who they were, what they were, and what their purpose were.. And then I could respond rather than react and trying to make money. I got to respond and rebuild my companies and rebuild my life through those choices. Your choices and the life that you want to build. It's built, not bought. See, I made bad choices that led me to a great place, which was rehab. And these things all happened for me because I'm standing right here talking to you about the reasons it happened for me.. And it's so I can be on this side of the camera with you and share with you those experiences and how they built, not bought me. You see, I can't buy the life that I have. I can't buy the relationships with my kids, and I can't buy the relationship or the happiness with my wife. And I certainly can't buy the rhythm or the loyalty or the friendships that I have in my life that walk through these hard times with me.. And there's nothing greater than having a community that were behind me through this process. They continue to trust me and continue to follow me and encourage me and are my raving fans because of the hard choices that I've made, which ultimately has impacted them in great ways. Your life is built, not bought. If you're not changing, you're choosing to stay right where you're at. So I encourage you today, whatever that rock is in your life, Pause. Identify what that is. And then your response is how to remove that obstacle. And remember that your life is your choice. It's built, not bought. I'm Steve D Valentine. Hope to see you in the next one.
