#1 Thing Estranged Adult Child Must Do If Hurting

That I am a whole fraud. Thing that estranged adult children must do if we're hurting. PTSD. Hey y'all, Fun Coach Tameka here. In this video, I'm going to share the number one thing estranged adult children need to do when they're hurting, why this is the only way to heal the pain, and what we need to stop doing immediately for lasting growth. Stick around to the end and I'll share how I finally got unstuck. I think the only thing crueler than estrangement is knowing that our family of origin aren't sorry for the pain that they caused. Like, in real time, they still hold firm that we are the problem. When we've been conditioned to believe that our very existence is problematic, we internalize a lot of unnecessary junk. However, I'm here to Let it go, let it go. I'm just gonna go ahead on and make her part of the episodes because clearly she likes to have a cameo. You feel me? Confession time. I just realized that I am a whole fraud because I have struggled with posting consistently on this channel. Not because I don't have nothing to say, not because I'm not providing value, but it's because of this one Reason. This thing has held me hostage for decades. Let me read this brief little letter I wrote to myself so that I can bring y'all in on this. Dear Tameka, I'm so proud of you. Although you had all the cards stacked against you, through God, you still managed to do some amazing things. Raising kids who are intelligent, well-rounded, and great citizens. Yes, please. Helping families all over the world heal their hearts so that they can resolve conflict more easily. Absolutely. Becoming a bestselling author of a parenting book even though you weren't raised by your own parents? You got it. And finally, being a highly sought-after speaker and leader? God did that. See how much you've allowed God to use you? It takes strength, courage, and wisdom to allow it, and you're doing it. Keep going. Love your face so hard. Fun Coach Tameka. So the thing that I've been struggling with for decades— imposter syndrome. For those of you who don't know what it is, imposter syndrome is the feeling of being a fraud, doubting your accomplishments, and fearing exposure despite evidence of your competence. One of the things my family used to do a lot is force me to shrink around them. I have this big presence, right? And I was ashamed of that because my family would say things like, oh, you too loud. You talk too much. You too this, too that, too whatever. And as one of my favorite poems, Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson, says, we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. So because my family were afraid to face their own fears, they made me bad for being curious and courageous enough to face mine, not knowing that they have greatness also in them. It's not just me. I was just courageous and curious enough to tap into it. So in turn, I began to shrink around them in hopes of pleasing them, and they still weren't pleased. As a matter of fact, they were more resentful. And that was the moment that I realized that I must be a fraud.

You're not an intellectual. You're a fake and a fraud.

Because if I can't please my own family, I'm not who I think I am. So how does that play out in life? Through consistent mediocrity. Dang, that was hard to say, y'all. I was mediocre in friends, finances, fitness, family, every part of my life. I did just enough to be a little above average. And because God does not desire for any of us to be mediocre, I felt so unfulfilled and frustrated. So one day I remember going to God, just asking him, like, what's going on with me? And he began to show me why I revert back to mediocrity. Because let's be honest, shrinking is mediocrity at its finest. Okay? Okay. God showed me that because I have experienced great envy and hatred at such a young age that I was living in a state of constant conflict with myself. As a child, some adults envied me. Sidebar, don't get me started on adults envying children. One day, maybe, we'll have a conversation about that. But for now, back to this. Because I didn't like the crushing weight of envy, I preferred to be pitied. Ooh. So I shrank. I shrank to make myself smaller. I shrank so others can feel comfortable around me. I shrank to invite their pity. But what happened wasn't pity. It was resentment. People began to resent me because they had to take care of me. So because they couldn't give language to their thoughts and feelings, they acted out and treated me badly. Matthew 18:21-22 says, then Peter came to him and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Till 7 times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto thee, not 7 times, but until 70 times 7. Okay, this entire chapter is pure gold for sure. And one day I'll share my thoughts on the entire chapter, but for now, let me just give you a little background. Jesus was teaching the disciples how to be in the world, including how to be with people. He told them a story about how only in us keeping the posture of a child will we be able to be in full relationship with God. And I believe it's because children are curious. And courageous and forgiving for the most part, unless they've developed a heart wound early in life. Okay, so back to this particular verse. By this time, I can imagine Peter was sick and tired of people. He heard Jesus talking about forgiveness, and I can imagine he was wondering just how much forgiveness do I lend folk for being foolish? He threw out a number to Jesus, maybe thinking that Jesus would be like, yeah, that's about right. Then Jesus hit him with a, nah, player. Instead of 7 times, how about 70 times 7? And me being the me that I am, I added up the number. Okay? Yes, I did. And it's 490. You're welcome. So I don't know about you, I got a little more forgiveness to extend to certain people, which leads me to my first point. What's the first step in forgiving others? Grieve the relationship first. Grief can be the garden of compassion if you keep your heart open through everything. Your pain can become your greatest ally In your life's search for love and wisdom. Rumi said that. So when I saw this quote, I thought about it. How can grief become a garden of compassion? How can my pain become my greatest ally? I love to get with my favorite partner, God. And I remember God began to show me how pain can deepen our compassion or cruelty if we let it, because pain in life is inevitable. So many people in the world refuse to do their inner work, and I heard someone say, "I do my work so you don't have to." Oh, I love that! I love it because if we live by this principle, life will be so much easier. Remember when I told you people resented me because I wasn't doing my inner work? This is the work I'm talking about: heart work. And heart work is hard work. However, if we invite God in, He makes it so much easier. One of the ways God helps me to grieve the relationship. Relationships is to keep my heart alive. And the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs go as follows: When I should have lost my mind, you showed up right on time and carried me through the valley all the way on the other side. And when pain tried to take my joy, that's when I feel you more. Now I gotta testify how you kept my heart alive. And I gotta tell you, as much pain that I've been through, it's only God that keeps my heart alive. I can't take credit for it at all. Child, I tell people all the time, you better be. Glad I ain't got no hope. I would have struck people down a long time ago. Whew. How I partner with God to keep my heart alive is I do a practice called sitting with sadness. And so what happens is I take out my journal, cut off all distractions, possibly even pull out my feelings wheel. I sit down and jot every feeling that I'm experiencing at the particular moment. Once I have all the feelings down on the paper, I read over the list and allow the tears to flow. As the tears are flowing, I ask myself the question, why are you crying? And I write and I write and I write until I cannot write anymore. I don't stifle any of the feelings. Whatever it is, I allow it to come up. If I say I hate this person, I let it come up. And so whatever it is that comes up, I write it down. The more I grieve a particular relationship, the less it hurts. I remember in my therapist's office, There, there was this thing on the board that says pain plus resistance equals suffering. So when we decide to stop resisting the pain and kind of like lean into it so that we can feel it and grieve it, we'll be able to heal it a lot faster. Check out this video right here where I share about the benefits of journaling and how it's so therapeutic, which leads me to my next point. Why is forgiveness the only way for us to fully heal. We can't heal what we refuse to reveal. I get it. Some of the things that people have done have been hateful, evil, and downright egregious. If you're anything like I was, you didn't have a healthy outlet for your emotion and pain. So I know I did. I turned inward and my pain turned into rage. I was raging and had no idea because I was so disconnected from myself. This is where the phrase hurt people hurt people come from. You're holding on to so much hurt And you're walking around with it. And so every person you bump into, guess what? You're spilling that hurt onto them. I remember I was in trauma therapy for about a year before my therapist heard me say— I was like, man, you know, I'm so sick and tired of people telling me I'm angry. She looked me in my eyeball and said, you don't see why they saying that?

Oh, don't be angry.

I'm not angry. I think it's funny.

I was like, no. I literally didn't know. I said, can you give me an example of why you say that I'm angry? So she proceeded to tell me about the edge that I had in my voice, how my tongue was so razor sharp, and how I was so quick to cut people out of my life. Because I was. My cutoff game was strong, okay? Then she finally brought to my attention the first year, I think, The first year that I was in therapy, I would come into the session, sit on the edge of the couch as if I was ready to run. And I told her it was because I was. I was so used to people letting me down that I wanted to be prepared for my next disappointment. My heart was so broken. I didn't trust anyone to be anything other than a disappointment. And so I chose people, places, and things that were utterly disappointing. And up until that moment, I couldn't heal that part because I didn't— I didn't know it was there. You can't heal what you don't reveal. So this is why I always say journaling is amazing to help you to reveal what's hidden so that you can heal it. I was always the life of the party. People wanted me around. When they needed someone, they knew they could call on me. I was the person with the smile plastered on my face. But what I didn't realize is that I was people pleasing, AKA shrinking big time. I was so afraid people were going to leave me that I was doing any and everything to please them until I reached my limit of being a doormat. Then I would say something slick that more often than not, Not cause damage in a relationship until my therapist put this mirror in my face to show me that's rage. And when she put that mirror up, I decided I no longer wanted to be enraged, that I didn't want to people please, but I didn't know what to do or how to do it. And she introduced me to one word that changed my life, and it's learning how to practice healthy boundaries. So when I first learned about boundaries, I was doing it wrong, y'all. I was like, oh yeah, I'm about to Give you a boundary, you a boundary, definitely you a boundary, you probably two or three more boundaries because I thought it was a way to control other people. No, I quickly learned that boundaries is a way to show myself radical self-love and that boundaries, when implemented correctly, is a silent act and pact that you have with yourself. No one should know that it's a boundary but you. Everything else is a guard. So one of the main boundaries I set up to minimize people pleasing is I ask myself one question: If I do this. Thing for this person and they don't reciprocate, say thank you, or do anything for me, will I still do this? If the answer is no, I do not do the thing for them. And that is how I stop people pleasing. Okay, so this final point is the main thing that estranged adult children must do if we're hurting. The question is, how do I forgive someone who hurt me so much and isn't sorry for what they did? Stop hiding if you want to stop hurting. A movie came out in 2017. They made $435 million in box office. The movie was based on the life of P.T. Barnum, featured catchy music, performers, and daring acrobatic acts. There were several songs on this soundtrack that I could mention. However, this one kind of hits home, and I want to drive the point home for estranged adult children coming. The lyrics says, another round of bullets hit my skin. We'll fire away 'cause today I won't let that shame sink in. We're bursting through the barricades. And reaching for the sun, we are warriors. Yeah, that's what we've become. I won't let them break me down to dust. I know that there's a place for us, for we are glorious. Y'all already know what we about to do. When the sharpest words want to cut you down, you're gonna see it flood. You're gonna drown now. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be. This is me on the Greatest Showman soundtrack, and I cried like a baby when I first heard. The lyrics. I realized the reason why it resonated with me so much is because I never felt accepted as I am. So in turn, I began to hide myself. I hid myself in pride, self-protection, insecurity, perfectionism, performance, people pleasing—anything in the world that would prevent the world from seeing my scars. I hid myself under. This is why journaling and boundaries are so important. Bonus: In order to get unstuck, I had to create. What I call my wellness plan. It consisted of preparing meals and activity in advance that would allow me time alone to process, cry, and grieve while not lashing out at my children. I take time daily to sit with God and sadness while I journal, and I have a couple friends who I consider my wellness wingwomen, and they're available to take me after therapy to karaoke or allow me to cry for a bit. Because I'm here to tell you, healing alone ain't the move. You cannot fully heal and get unstuck until you learn how to cultivate safety within yourself and choose people who are safe for you to be in community with so you can free yourself of the unnecessary emotional junk. So the journal prompt of today is identify any feelings of hurt or resentment you could currently be holding. How do these feelings impact your daily life and relationships? Set a small achievable goal related to building your support system and practice forgiveness. What's one thing you can do this week to move in that direction? In the video next week, I will break down imposter syndrome and how it prevents us from healing. But for now, I've created a 30-day imposter syndrome journal specifically for the Strange Adult Children community. Click the link in the description to grab yours today. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. Hope this was helpful. See you next video.