In this YouTube video, self‑styled “Fun Coach Tameka” explains that the root cause of most family estrangement is the word “neglect.” She argues that neglect, ego‑driven self‑protection, and a lack of humility keep families from reconciling. Drawing on a reality‑show example, biblical passages (2 Chronicles 29:6), and a personal story about her daughter, Tameka shows how an over‑active ego and the habit of neglecting oneself create toxic relational patterns. She introduces the “Let Them Theory,” which encourages letting others react however they wish while maintaining self‑love, and likens this to God’s unconditional allowance of judgment, misunderstanding, and rejection. Tameka then outlines three concrete ways to become a “safe person”: caring for mind, body, and spirit; practicing healthy boundaries; and being a person of one’s word. She shares a personal anecdote of setting boundaries with a friend and of teaching her daughter to stop self‑neglect, illustrating how self‑care can break cycles of estrangement. The video concludes with a journaling prompt about childhood neglect, an invitation to a 30‑day healing journal for estranged adult children, and a call to subscribe for future content.
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This N-word is so damaging. I believe what makes estrangement even harder—
PTSD.
Hey y'all, Fun Coach Tameka here. In this video, I'm going to reveal how this N-word causes estrangement, why we can't reconcile with our estranged family, and how to cultivate safety within yourself first so you choose safe people. Be sure to stick around to the end for a special surprise. There's one word that's at the root of all family dysfunction. This N-word is so damaging, it causes fractures within ourselves that has a rippling effect that hits every relationship that we're in. Before we get into that, let's talk about why we can't reconcile with our estranged family yet. Okay, so boom, confession time. So I like to watch reality shows, and I was watching this old reality show the other day. 2 people who had been in a relationship with each other for over a decade were having conflict, and they just couldn't resolve it. As I watched the banter, I paid special attention to the body language because, like they say, the body doesn't lie. And because this was a reality show, you know that we're privy to the The confessionals that give you kind of like an inside view of what each person is thinking. So when I saw the confessional, I kind of concluded why these 2 could not agree. Trust God, be humble. Trust God, be humble. Or whatever Kendrick Lamar say. Now they could not agree because at least one of them was protecting their ego so fiercely. That they just would not humble themselves to hear the other person. And what I know is that conversations of understanding require humility. This is one of the main reasons why we're estranged, because at least one person is totally surrendered to their ego. And when the ego is the master on the scene, nothing else can even be in the room. This is unfortunately another reason why a lot of bad things happen. People who are surrendered to their ego cause harm and damage because the sole purpose of the ego is protection. So someone in protection mode will do anything to defend and protect themselves, even if it's delusional. Protection. 2 Chronicles 29:6 says, for our fathers have trespassed and done that which was evil in the eyes of the Lord our God, and have forsaken him, and have turned away their faces from the habitation of the Lord, and turned their backs. So this verse encapsulates— encapsulates? You know what I'm trying to say, wrap up everything that I want to discuss today. Because it speaks of how our parents and family members have turned away from God and done evil in his eyes, which has caused estrangement. A lot of people think that just because people are going to church every day, quoting Bible scriptures, and doing a whole bunch of prophelying— insert eye roll here— that they're representing God. Nope. This is why it's so important for us to cultivate a relationship with God for ourselves. So that we are not relying on someone else's view of him. I heard someone say once before, and I love it, don't see yourself through the eyes of someone else because you don't know what they could be focused on. And that's so good, especially as it relates to God. Don't see God through the eyes of someone else because you don't know what they're focused on. A lot of people, especially abusive people, they're focused on and they view God as the punisher. Oh, you're going to be punished. Inflict harm. Pain. And when you're thinking about God as a punisher, then you only see consequences for actions versus the goodness, the mercy, the grace, the favor, everything that God encapsulates. Hey, I said the word. So the question is, what should I do if my family does not practice humility enough for us to reconcile? And I want to ask you another question. Have you heard of the let Them theory. I saw it on social media last week. It's so good. I gotta share with y'all. So this is what it says. It says, let them be upset. Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Let them ignore you. Let them be quote unquote right. Let them doubt you. Let them not like you. Let them not speak to you. Let them run your name in the ground. Let them make you out to be the villain. Whatever it is that people want to say about you, let them kindly step aside and let them. Oh, that's so good. One of the things that I main things that I speak with my coaching clients about is this theory of letting people do and be what they want to do and be because love is also giving people the ability to not. Choose us. Oh, listen! This is why I say God is so bomb, right? Because God literally is the perfect example of the let them theory, right? Follow me here. God lets us be upset with Him. God lets us judge Him. God lets us misunderstand Him. He lets us gossip about Him. He lets us ignore. Ignore him. He lets us be quote unquote right about him. He lets us doubt him. He lets us not like him. He lets us not speak to him. He lets us run his name in the ground, y'all. He lets us make him out to be the villain. Oh, here's the thing: just because someone does not choose you, that doesn't mean that you. Don't choose yourself. As a matter of fact, that's something that I learned. I learned that someone else cannot reject me as long as I don't reject myself. And I know for me, rejection was a big thing. Like, I was so used to rejection that I would just start rejecting myself when it came to friends, men, career choices. I would just be like, nah, forget it, I'm just not gonna even try for that. But I'm not doing that no more. But it all goes down to Thoughts, right? What are you thinking? I believe what makes estrangement even harder is our thoughts. We make up these Oscar award-winning dramas in our heads to support what we want to think.
All my life I had to fight. I loves Harpo. God knows I do. But I kill him dead before I let him beat me. Thank you. You love me. You really love me.
The drama! And like, I get it. Our hearts broke every time we felt sadness, disappointment, shame, anxiety. That led us to estrangement. However, we must learn this next point if we want to learn how to choose ourselves. So, the question is, how do we learn how to change our minds quickly? We must learn to become a safe person. And I hear you, Tameka, I am a safe person, people just be taking advantage of me or whatever. And then to that, I must say, my friends, I disagree with you because to be classified as a safe person You must first be safe to yourself. Even the Bible states, love others as you love yourself. Okay? Yourself. Because God knows the way that we consistently treat others flows from the way we see ourselves. And ain't no way on God's green earth you are safe for other people and you are letting unsafe people misuse and abuse you. Ain't gonna happen. As, as the young people say, that's cap. That's cap. So how do you become a safe person? Last year I wrote, performed, and produced my one-woman stage play Black Girl Perfect, and at the end I have a talkback. So I was explaining to women how to become safe for other women, and I remember how women came to me and they wanted to befriend me because, as they They wanted to have a safe person in their corner. And that's when I realized I heard what they said. They wanted a safe person in their corner, but they did not ultimately want to be a safe person. Long story short, tried to develop a relationship with this one particular woman. You know, I felt like, you know, our wounds were similar. She gets me. She can understand estrangement. I don't have to explain all of this stuff to her. And she was cute and loved God or whatever like me. Until I noticed that there was a very painful pattern going on. She would pull away every time I got closer. And so because I didn't want to deal with that anymore, I don't want to chase people anymore because that's not a healthy relationship dynamic. I had the conversation with her. I explained to her what I needed in a friendship. And we had made plans for me to come and do like an overnight trip at her house. So I told her prior to this what I needed from a relationship. After that conversation, she got even more distant. So about a week before our planned trip, I contacted her to let her know that, hey, I need to hold off on the trip because I'm not really getting what I need in this friendship. So I need for us to cultivate more interactions first. She tells me she was thinking the same thing. Thing, blah blah blah. Long story short, never heard from her again after that. She even unfollowed me on social media. I was choosing myself. That came from me cultivating the safety within myself first and being okay with someone else not choosing me, because safe people are okay with a no. What I realized is that if I can't trust you with a no, I'm definitely not going to be able to trust you with a yes. Cultivating Safety in yourself looks like this. My favorite number is three, so here's three ways: Take care of yourself, your mind, body, and your spirit. Number two, practice healthy boundaries. And number three, be a person of your word. Because when you cultivate safety within yourself and you become a safe person, changing your mind will be the easiest thing you can do because you know that hey, oh this doesn't work. This doesn't work for me. This is not healthy for me. We can change this. And then you can use the self-coaching model, right? I heard someone say, you may not be what you think you are. However, what you think, you are. Oh, that's so good. And our third and final point is this. What causes the majority of estrangement? So my oldest daughter made me a grandma or a Mimi almost 5 years ago now. When she first got pregnant, she decided to move in with the baby's father. I was sad about it. However, I respected her decision. Because I was deep in therapy at this time, I began to notice a sign of an unhealthy relational dynamic she had with her baby's father. However, it was difficult for her to acknowledge it and become aware of it due to her wanting to protect the image of the child's father. So I went to my favorite partner, Big G-O-D. I have a practice of going to this trail near my house and getting in God's face. And I remember singing the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs. Feel it in this room, Holy Spirit move, 'cause when you have your way, something has to break. Tear down every lie, set the wrong thing right, 'cause when you have your way, something has to break. And I went to the trail for 2 weeks straight. Singing those lyrics. And I, and I said to God, God, I'm coming to you. You entrusted me to this beautiful girl. You see what's going on over there, and I know you love her more than I do. So fix it and show me what to do while you fixing it. And the thing that he showed me was to just love on her every time she came to my house and to teach her how to do this, to stop doing this. N-word that I'm about to share with you. That N-word is neglect. I began to teach her how to stop neglecting herself. She learned honestly from me and my unhealthy patterns of the past. One thing Holy Spirit taught me is that you will not be with anyone who treats you worse than you treat yourself. So every time I saw her, I taught her how to treat herself a little bit better until one day she just fell in my arms and said, Mommy, can we come stay with you? God wins again, y'all. When you're conditioned to neglect, it becomes second nature to neglect yourself. However, let's work on not doing that. Neglect starts in the mind. It's a way of thinking about yourself. So here's how to think the right way about yourself. I accept myself for who I am. I have a clear understanding of my strengths and weaknesses. I can talk openly with others. I say I love you to people I care about. I expose my interior life without fear of criticism. I'm confident, not so much in my abilities, but in God's ability. I readily relate to other people. I can share my burdens with other people. I listen when others share their burdens with me. I join in other people's happiness and success without feeling threatened. And I have nothing to prove to others. So the journal prompt for today is reflect on your childhood and consider any instances where you may have felt neglected, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally. How has this neglect impacted your life and relationships as an adult? Write about your emotions that you feel towards your parents and the steps you believe are necessary for your healing. In the next video, we will discuss How I realized I was a fraud. Ooh. And I wanna know if you can relate to this. I've created a 30-day healing journal for estranged adult children. Be sure to click the link in the description and subscribe to receive notifications of my next video. Hope this was helpful. See you next video.
