Are You Disciplining Your Child — Or Just Projecting?
In this instructional YouTube video, presenter Tameka Anderson examines whether parents' disciplinary actions stem from genuine child-rearing goals or from projecting their own unresolved emotional wounds onto their children. After a brief, chaotic family altercation clip that illustrates tension, Anderson outlines five specific signs that suggest parental projection, weaving together biblical Scripture citations, clinical/therapy‑informed advice, and personal stories about her daughter and grandson. She introduces practical tools such as the "BEST" method, the use of timers, and body‑language adjustments to help parents respond more mindfully. The talk also critiques mainstream punitive parenting norms, urging a shift toward compassionate, self‑aware discipline. The video concludes with a Patreon call‑to‑action for further support and resources.
You should have got in the car when I told you to. How many times did I tell you to get in the car?
Are you ready to be nice?
No.
Okay, we're gonna sit out here until you're ready to be nice.
Goodbye gentle parenting, hello fuck around and find out. So they're taking a harder line, which is essentially out-feral their feral.
The situation—
because you're sitting here looking stupid. Look how you look as a mother, Jackie.
If you don't—
look how you look as a mother.
Many of us want to raise confident, emotionally healthy kids. However, what we don't realize is whether or not we're actually parenting from our own unhealed experiences. So today I'm going to share 5 signs that you may be projecting instead of parenting. The edges will be snatched. Proverbs 4:7 says, Wisdom is the principal thing. Therefore, get wisdom, and with all thy getting, get understanding. Projection is when we unconsciously place our own fears, wounds, or unmet needs onto other people, AKA our children. We think that we're guiding them. However, we're oftentimes just projecting, trying to protect our younger self. So what happens in parenting is you either overcorrect or you just underparent altogether. Lamentations 3:40 says, let us examine and probe our ways. Let us return to the Lord. So after 20 years of helping families all over the world reduce disruptive behaviors, I've seen this pattern over and over and over and Over again. This pattern actually damages connection and trust. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, love is not self-seeking, it's not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrong. Projecting actually makes parenting about us instead of the child. I always tell my adult daughter to stop making it about you in parenting. And because when we make it about us, we're always going to project our wounds, our hurt, our pain onto our littles. So when you can learn to spot the signs of projection, we can stop leading from fear and start leading with clarity, purpose, and presence. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound My. So let's get into these 5 signs. Sign number 1, not modeling emotional regulation. The biggest sign that you are projecting instead of parenting is emotional dysregulation. Proverbs 5:1 says, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. So just like we saw, The little girl, she was hoarse because she'd probably been crying for a very, very long time. And although it says gentle parenting, the mom was just kind of sitting there disconnected from her, saying that, oh, when you're— when you learn to be nice, then we'll go in. And I was literally cringing because here, here it is. This little human depends on you for everything. She clearly cannot get into the door without her mother letting her in. She was emotionally dysregulated, and although mom wasn't saying anything, so was she because instead of helping her to co-regulate, she withdrew from her. The child pushed her to show that she was so frustrated and all of the things. Mom said nothing. It was as if it didn't happen. So now you've conditioned her to learn that when she is having a hard time, you're not going to be there for her. I remember when my 6-year-old granddaughter son was in the middle of a meltdown, and I saw my daughter's face, and she was clearly dysregulated. So I look at her and I say, hey, you're the best. After she looked at me like I was all the way gone, I walked her through the BEST method to help her to regulate her emotions so that she can connect with her child. Because when we were taught that Emotions are not safe nor wanted. Instead of modeling how to handle them with calm and compassion, we've learned to either ignore, suppress, or totally misdirect them. When I said to my daughter, you're the best, this was the first thing I said, where do you feel tension in your body? She pointed to her chest, her heart. Okay, so clearly you were activated. AKA triggered. Then I said, what energy do you think you're giving off right now? Because I wanted her to become aware that she's either bringing chaos or she can bring calm. Then she said, anger. I said, okay, so now, tie. Give your child a tie where you tell him you need a moment, take the space before you try to fix. So instead of fixing, now you can lead. With clarity. So then she does it, and then they reconnect afterwards. But one thing that I noticed is as I was walking her through the BEST method, my grandson had stopped crying. Because they nosy. That's one thing about it. Kids are nosy. He wanted attention. And once he saw that I wasn't going to fight him for attention, and I was also walking his mother through how to regulate her emotions, Oh, now he curious. He got quiet. So she was able to say, hey, listen, I need this amount of time so that I can get myself together. Once the timer goes off, we will come back and have a conversation. Timer went off. They had a conversation. They both apologized to each other and learned how to regulate their emotions. So I can't be more clear. When we are not modeling emotional regulation, everything that comes after that is projection. Sign number 2 is not teaching conflict resolution in order for us to be in relationships. Matthew 5:9 says, blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. So when conflict breaks out, unfortunately, we see things like mass shootings. And in this example, a mother and her adult daughter physically fighting. So this is projection because if you grew up in a home like I did where conflict meant danger or silence, because, you know, adults can either yell or some of them give silent treatment, then you're avoiding teaching healthier versions of resolving conflict. When I was a child, my family, when conflict happened, you know what I saw? I saw you either throwing bowls, like, pow, pow, pow, or bowls, physical bowls. I remember one time my mother and her siblings, my aunt, she drew, like, a Garfield on the wall, and they had a fight at the table. We were having spaghetti. She took the plate and flung it at her sibling's head, and the plate, she flung it so hard, the plate stuck in the wall. So imagine me learning that this is how you deal with conflict by throwing bowls or balls. We have got to do better than that. And so unfortunately, if I hadn't gone through trauma therapy before my children became adults, who knows? This might be my story. So when you learn how to deal with your own inner stuff first, instead of projecting the violence and tension and all of the stuff that is unhealed and unresolved within you, we can learn how to coach, guide, listen, respond instead of reacting, be respectful, make amends. And this builds connections in our relationships with our children. Sign number 3 is not creating a soft place for them to land. You heard what she said. How many times did I tell you to Get in the car. Well, guess what? Just from listening to that, I know that she has conditioned her child not to listen to her the first time. And so she not only did she condition him to not listen to her the first time, now she's punishing him for what she's conditioned him to do and adding trauma to him. Because how dare you condition the child not to listen to you the first time? Then Drive off, and now he's chasing the car? Are you serious? Like, what is happening here? Now, this is a projection because when comfort wasn't modeled to us as children— because I can't tell you how many adults are in my comments raging about the fact that I'm teaching my grandson how to regulate his emotions with a soft tone, with presence, and— Calmness and softness. I cannot tell you how many adults are in my comments raging, mostly because when comfort wasn't modeled for us, we think that toughness equals strength and we miss the chance to be the soft landing place for our children. So what I've learned is that discipline can happen within Safety. Correct the behavior. However, keep your presence soft enough for them to land. One of the practices that I make when I am correcting behaviors is I soften my tone and my body because I want to display the message that although I'm not happy with your behavior, I'm also not hard. And when we're not hard, It doesn't make it hard for our children to listen and respond the first time and to want to come to us when they're in distress in the future. Sign number 4, y'all may want to put me out for this one, but we're going to go ahead on and go here. Not critical thinking and just passing down harmful habits. You know what I'm talking about? The whole, this is how I was raised and I turned out fine. Are you fine though? That is one of the most dangerous parenting mindsets that I've ever heard in my life. Oh, I used to get my butt beat, but I'm okay. Are you okay? Romans 2:12 says, do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. When you repeat phrases, punishments, or rules without questioning, does it align with God's word and how to actually guide your children and not suppress and stifle their spirit and wellbeing, this is projection. I remember when I was in therapy one day and I was regurgitating one of the harmful parenting rhetorics. And I love how my therapist responded because she didn't even allow me to finish. She was like, wait a minute, why is that okay? That's it. Just ask yourself that question. Why is that okay? Because it's a projection when you cling to old patterns just because challenging them feels like betraying your upbringing. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but challenging a harmful pattern is not betraying the people who raised you. It is not betraying them. We have to test every tradition against God's word, not just cultural norms, especially if you say that you believe in God. We do have to challenge because parenting should evolve with understanding, not stagnate in harmful cycles. Now, before I continue the last sign, if you're ready to break these cycles for good, please join me on my Patreon where I help parents, caregivers, and educators Learn to become a safe person so that they can spend less time correcting behaviors and more time connecting and having fun with children. The link is in the description below, and I hope to see you there. Sign number 5, not dealing with and healing your childhood wounds. Whew. I have tons of parents hopping in my comment section, mocking my soft calm approach to parenting, and it reveals unhealed pain. Hebrews 12:15 says, see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. So a lot of people who are scoffing at gentle parenting and the whole F around and find out parenting little trend that's going on right now, because that's what it is, is a trend, it highlights Where unhealed wounds are. Because why would you want to be harsh with your children? Why would you want them to learn the hard way? I hear it, I hear it. You just don't know. This child is hard-headed. So this is what I'll say to that. I was a child that was considered hard-headed. The issue was I did not have enough opportunities and spaces where I could Exercise the muscle of standing firm and standing up. So I did that every chance I got. When you create an environment where strong-willed children can actually grow and thrive without breaking their spirits, you learn how to parent and become a better leader, a better communicator, You learn how to cultivate a safe space. You learn how to create opportunities where them being strong-willed will work for them, like with their peers and people outside of the home. Your home should be a space and a soft landing place to guide them, not a place where you're saying, well, the world is going to be tough with them, so I'm going to be tough with them too. No. Dealing with our Childhood wounds first helps us to become that soft landing place so that we can say, because the world is hard, we will not be in here. We will be the soft place for them to learn, grow, make mistakes, and exercise every muscle of being who they are called to be. Because when you don't heal your wounds, they become a lens in which you see and project all of that Stuff onto your children and you're not parenting, you're projecting. So drop a comment below. Let me know which sign that you felt like, hey, you was talking to me. And understand that self-awareness is where you grow and heal. Learning how not to parent from our pain and instead leading from healing is the way that we parent versus projecting. So watch the next video, which will help you deepen your self-awareness. in building a soft landing place for your children.
