Gentle Parenting is a Scam

Today we're talking about parenting, and if you want to feel more calmer and break the cycles and patterns that are constantly keeping you stuck, you need to understand that parenting is changing. So in this video, I'm going to walk you through the 5 parenting shifts that almost no one is talking about and why it's most important. PTSD. I'm Fun Coach Tameka. I've helped thousands of families all over the world transform their parenting without yelling or Giving in. I'm the bestselling author of Parenting the Confident Child, and I spend every day helping families go from chaos to calm. So let's get into it. Shift number 1 is what I like to call the gentle parenting crap. I mean, cap. I mean, trap. Most of what we've learned about gentle parenting is a lie. Like, if your child misbehaves around you, it's because they feel most safe with you. That's cap. Now, cap is a terminology the kids are using nowadays to mean lies. So what's really happening is your child is dysregulated and they need your help to co-regulate in order to feel safe again. Most people think that they're doing gentle parenting, but what they're really doing is either being permissive or authoritarian in disguise. They either say yes to everything or try to control all emotions. Either way, this leaves children feeling confused, anxious, and not quite sure of where the boundaries lie. The thing is, real leadership isn't soft or harsh. It's clear. Proverbs 22:6 says, train up a child in the way that they shall go, and when they're old, they will not depart from it. So training requires clarity, not chaos. And if you want to get clear, I've created a 5-day boundaries boot camp that'll walk you through step by step exactly how to set healthy expectations without yelling, shaming, or giving in. You'll find the link in the description. Come join and start transforming the way you parent today. Shift number 2, it's all about the parenting wars. You've probably seen it online, the endless debates, monologues even, between the gentle parenting crowd and what I like call the spare the rod believers. Here's the truth. The war is just a distraction because it forces you to choose a side instead of asking what really works. And for those who your favorite verse is spare the rod and spoil the child, are you aware that that phrase is only mentioned 4 times in the Bible and it is in the same chapter? However, love is mentioned in the Bible over 800 times. And what I know about the Bible is that what is most important, it is constantly threaded throughout. And that is one of the things that Jesus mentioned was the most important thing was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, and your soul. Love your neighbor as yourself. Those were the, the huge commandments because people were trying to get him caught up in, oh, what's the greatest commandment? What should we do? Love. First Corinthians thirteen says love is patient. So one of the things that I realize is that a lot of the spare the rod crowd are not patient. They jump in my comments and say, "Oh, I don't have enough patience to sit there and teach a child how to regulate their emotions." Ephesians six and four also says fathers. Provoke not your children to wrath. So when you're jumping in my comments saying, ain't nobody got time for that, spare the rod, spoil the child, you're automatically discrediting what you're saying because you no longer represent the book that you're trying to beat over people's heads, pun intended. And I just want to bring to your awareness, do you know who else was raised like this? Donald Trump. His father was an authoritarian figure who believed compassion was weakness. They went to church every week, but it was the kind of religious parenting that uses faith as a shield for emotional neglect. As a child, he learned in order to be loved, he had to dominate. And when he misbehaved, he was sent away to military school in order to be Fixed. And as an adult, we see how it has panned out. He's constantly chasing the approval he never got. This is what happens when people use religion as a weapon, because that's pretty much what it is, for control and oppression when they're parenting and raising children. The shift happens when we focus on relationships. This is what Jesus taught. He was all about building relationships because relationships have the tendency of harming or healing depending on what you're focused on. If you have a wounded heart, clearly you're going to harm with your relationships. If you have a heart that is healing, you can help heal through relationships. And this is one of the main points that I like to make as a shift in parenting, especially as it relates to gentle parenting. The reason why it falls into a trap is because gentle parents— come on to the front of the room, please and thank you— we have room to grow. Okay, what works is for us to model a balance of connection and accountability without shame and chaos. So if we're going to do gentle parenting, if it not involve modeling what accountability without shame and chaos looks like, it ain't gentle parenting. Shift number 3 is the great divide. So everyone's arguing, should you give your child an iPad or should you just ban screens altogether? The real problem is not the screens. Emotional dysregulation is. And you cannot tell me that parents are teaching their children how to regulate their emotions Because I posted a simple video, this one right here, sharing my story of how I'm teaching my 5-year-old grandson how to regulate his emotions, and there are adults in the comments literally crashing out. So the issue is not to screen or not to screen. It is how do you teach your children how to regulate their emotions. Proverbs 4:23 says, above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. When you're building emotional skills, you're teaching your children to guard their heart against all that bitterness that a lot of people spew online specifically. And it's mostly because they have not been taught how to regulate their emotions. When you see a post You don't agree with? Do you jump in the comments and get to typing as fast as you can to spew all of that venom on someone else? Or are you able to sit back and say, wait a minute, what am I feeling here? Why do I feel this? I don't agree with what they're saying. However, I don't want to attack the person. But I see a lot of adults online just attacking people. It shows how emotionally dysregulated you are as an adult. So if This is how adults are showing up. How in the world can we teach children how to regulate their emotions? We cannot. Shift number 4 is all about the teens and tweens. A lot of people think that during this age, we need to just give the kids autonomy, step back, let them figure it out. The truth is they need structure. I had a conversation with my 16-year-old daughter about dating and how to understand her specific attachment style and to also learn how to love yourself first before you even think about dating. Why? Because you're going to choose people based on how you see yourself, and if how you see yourself is through the lens of someone else and a wound that someone else caused, you will constantly choose people who will add more harm to you. Remember, relationships will either help you heal or help cause more harm. Those are the choices. Us shifting our parenting as it relates to tweens and teens to actually guiding them, to sharing our stories, having real conversations, saying, hey, when I was your age, this is what I was dealing with and going through. Let's talk about this. What are you feeling about this? That is the way that we need to shift as it relates To parenting, and if you want more ongoing support like this, I invite you to join my Patreon community where I'll have exclusive trainings, live Q&A sessions, and all kinds of good stuff that will keep you growing as a confident, connected parent. You'll find the link below, and I look forward to seeing you there. Shift number five is one of the biggest mind shifts of them all. Calm parenting isn't about being calm all the time because truth be told, a lot of people say. Oh, you know, I like your voice. It's so calm. That's by choice, by design, of course, obviously. However, I am not calm all the time. My children will tell you that. The thing is, is to learn how to repair after rupture because remember, rupture without repair equals trauma. In order to not traumatize our children, whenever we have a rupture in the relationship, let's just say you get short with your child or you may even Yell at your child immediately. Learning how to own your reaction, why you reacted the way you did, and how to come back from that. Apologize, repair. I remember when I was younger, no adult ever apologized to me. So when I got older, it was difficult for me to apologize. That is the reason why we see so many adults who do not know how to apologize. If we don't want to traumatize our children, We need to learn how to repair immediately because no one is perfect. This is why the whole argument of, well, I'm not a perfect parent. No one is, never will be. So when we do rupture, because we will, how we repair after the rupture is going to make all the difference in the world. How we sit and apologize and talk through. Our issues with our children is going to be and is the biggest shift, and it's mostly mindset in our parenting today. Proverbs 15:1 says, a soft answer turns away wrath, to let us know how important it is for us as parents to learn how to repair after a rupture. So if you're thinking that this all sounds amazing, but how do you do it in the moment? I invite you to join my 5-day Boundaries Bootcamp. Boot camp. The link is in the description below where we'll go step by step learning how to be a calm, confident leader in our parenting. Spaces are limited. Be sure to tap the link in the description if you would like to join. In order to even do all of this, you need to learn how to build emotional safety in your home. So in this video, I'm breaking down the 5 things emotionally safe homes do differently. See you there.