Let’s talk: How to build trust without self-sabotaging.

Welcome, my friends. Play a little music till you get some people coming on up in here. I like the— let's see what the R&B sound like. Yes. All right, let's do this one. Oh, it's on my page. If you are on, please drop me a comment. Hey, Dina, I'm so glad you made it. So while people are coming on, share with your friends. While you share with your friends, I want to play a little game real quick. Turn my jamming music off. Turn my jamming music off, and I'm gonna have to figure out how to get this. I don't know what happens when this— I'm supposed to be streaming to Facebook as well too. I don't know, but I know it shows up on YouTube for sure. Um, so welcome to Mental Wellness Works. I am Fun Coach Tamika, and I bring the fun. So of course we're gonna start with a little game first. Today we're talking about about building trust without self-sabotage. So I want to do a, a game real quick where it is called— hold on, let me pull it up for you so you can see. It's called Trust Check-In, the emoji game. Okay, so drop an emoji in the chat. That represents how you feel right now about trust, meaning how you feel about trusting others, trusting yourself, and people trusting you. How do you feel right now about trust? Drop an emoji in the chat and I will display it on the screen because I want to know how y'all feeling about trust. I remember when I first started my healing journey, it was very difficult for me to trust people. And I want to talk about that today and how trust was like probably the most difficult thing for me to cultivate in relationships and what I learned from that and how not to do that, how not to self-sabotage and things of that nature, right? So, um, I just thought about it. I don't know if you're able to actually share an emoji, so here's what I'm gonna do, right? Um, from 1 to 10, okay, 1 to 10, okay, scale of 1 to 10, ask— answer this question. Give me a 10 if you believe that you are extremely trustworthy. A 1 if you need Jesus. It's okay, we— I'll— time I need some Jesus. But from the scale of 1 to 10, where are you on the trustworthy meter? Like, for sure, for me, I would say that I'm closer to a A good 7. A good 7, right? I definitely want to be closer than that. Oh, Dina, you're able to show? Okay, cool. We see some, um, some emojis here. All right, Dina, you said 7 as well too. Good, good, good. Okay, so let's talk about how to work closer towards the 10. And, um, if you have a question, please drop it in the chat. But, um, I'm going to share the 10 frequently asked questions about, uh, trust and self-sabotage. So before we get into that, you see this QR code right here to this— the side of my screen? It is my It Factor quiz. Please take that, and if you've already taken it, drop your It Factor in the chat so we could talk about it, okay? All right, so the first question is, what are some common ways people unintentionally sabotage trust in relationships or professional settings? Oh my goodness. Okay, so let's just dive into it. I would say people pleasing is the common way. And people pleasing comes with a lot of other stuff. That's why I say people pleasing, because, um, we think that people pleasing will help us get closer in relationships with other people, but it actually pushes us further away because now we're not being honest, right? We're not being honest about who we are and what we need from others because It's both. It's not just showing up saying, oh, this is who I am. Okay, this is who I am and this is what I need in relationship, right? And people pleasing causes inconsistent behavior, uh, it causes inauthenticity, inability to be honest, overcommitting, codependency. So like, it causes all of these things. Right? And we're called to be interdependent, meaning being in relationship with one another. God didn't give one person everything. He gave— it was— he gave us something where we need someone else, right? Because that's just how it is. So we're called to be in relationships with each other. We're not called to be on one side codependent and on another side, hyper-independent, where to be, hey, I need you, you need me, no one is greater than we, right? And yes, Dina, you are— your it factor is influencer. I love it. Okay, and so I would say people pleasing is a common way of unintentionally sabotaging trust because you're not showing up as your authentic self, so others do not trust you. This is what I mean when I say a lot of people think that they're more trustworthy than they actually are. If you're people pleasing, you are not trustworthy because you don't even trust your own voice to say, hey, this is what I need to be in relationship with you. All right. Oh, second question: how can I identify if I have self-sabotaging behaviors that are affecting my ability to build Trust. Okay, so a lot of times I talk about how when we've been through trauma, the unspoken rules of trauma is don't speak, don't feel, don't trust. So when you think about self sabotaging behaviors, they're always going to be on the foundation of don't speak, don't feel, don't trust. Anytime you have a behavior that is leading you to Not speak, communicate your feelings, whether you shut down, give people the silent treatment, whatever. Uh, don't feel— meaning you have a feeling, let's say you're triggered and you feel angry, you don't want to speak on your anger. You don't, you don't want to tell someone, hey, I'm angry because X, Y, and Z, because you feel like that will ruin the relationship or whatever. And Don't trust. So if you feel like others are not trustworthy— now, yes, of course there are some people who do not display trustworthy behavior. However, there also are people who do display trustworthy behavior. So if you only have people in your life who are not trustworthy, it's a large sign that you have self-sabotaging behaviors. that is affecting your ability to build trust, because all you seem to choose are people who are not trustworthy. Okay, all right, trust me, y'all, I'm telling you, been there, been there, and it's no fun. So that's why I want to share this. Next question: why do I struggle to trust myself, and how does that impact my relationships with others? This is my— one of my favorite questions, because I actually talk about this in my upcoming book You're it. So make sure y'all on the waitlist because it's gonna be good. But this is actually one that is rooted and grounded in someone else's insecurity. We struggle to trust ourselves based off of what other people's— other people are projecting onto us. For example, when I was younger, I was 9 and I was on stages doing these elaborate speeches and things of that nature. Adults were super inspired by me. Standing ovations, all the good things. But then I get off the stage, come home, and the adults in my life were telling me, oh, they don't know who you are, so you're not that. You know, they were literally telling me that I was not inspiring as people who were in the audience were saying I was. And so I took what they said as the gospel, the truth, to say, oh, well, they must know me, so Maybe I'm not that. And I struggled to trust myself because every time my voice would come up, my, you know, something that I said, oh, I think this, then I would immediately say, no, they don't know me, so maybe that's not the truth. And so how it impacted my relationships is I was never able to show up fully as myself, so I could not develop real deep authentic relationships until now, y'all. I got it now. I got the memo. So learning to kind of silence the noise of other people so that you can start to build trust within yourself is going to be very, very crucial in building healthy, lasting, deep, fulfilling relationships with others. Okay, the next question is, what practical steps can I take to rebuild trust after it's been broken, whether by me or someone else? So I always say for this one, the first question I would ask the other person is, do you want the relationship? Because a lot of times people don't even want the relationship, and that's okay. So we have to be okay with that. So that's the first step, to say Do you want the relationship? If the relation— if that's a no, then I wouldn't do anything. However, if someone says they do want the relationship, the first step to rebuild trust is to be honest, to sit down and take an honest account of what happened in the relationship, whether you broke the trust or the trust was broken by someone else, to just be honest, to say what happened, did I show up, or where did you show up where we were not our authentic selves? And why did we feel the need to show up in that way? The reason being is because if you start to rebuild trust after it's been broken and the need has not been met, guess what's gonna happen? Trust gonna be broken again. So being able to address what has happened— this is why they call me the FUN coach. FUN stands for Finding Unmet Needs. Find the unmet need in the relationship. And sometimes it's not even a you situation where you can help meet the need. That person may have to do some inner work, some inner development, because it is not our jobs to, um, take care of someone emotionally and vice versa. We are to take care of ourselves emotionally, and then partner with other people to show up to hold space, because pain needs a witness and so does healing. So making sure that we are owning our own stuff, that's the first thing, and being able to sit and say, okay, what was the need that wasn't being met and how can I show up for this? Okay, uh, Dina, you ask, are these questions— are all these questions on your book? They are not on my book, but I share this information in my book. Absolutely. Great question though. Okay, uh, let's see, what is my next question here? How do I set boundaries that protect my trust without appearing cold or distant? Okay, so this is another good one too. Because protecting— setting boundaries is something that a lot of people do not understand. I'm actually going to be, um, doing a challenge. It's called Boundaries Boot Camp. I'm gonna be doing that real soon because a lot of people don't understand what boundaries mean. They think that a boundary is something where you're telling somebody else, oh, don't do this and do this. But that's not what a boundary is. A boundary is a way that you can show up and be in relationship with someone else while showing up as yourself, not self-sabotaging, not being codependent, and not being hyper-independent. So that's the first thing. So setting boundaries to protect your trust, you have to ask yourself this question: is the person that I'm setting a boundary for trustworthy, right? Because at the end of the day, because we're all human, we have to be honest with the level of where everyone is, even no matter the relationship. Some people have not developed themselves enough to be trustworthy. So the thing is to say to yourself, hey, um, there's a level of access that is needed for me to bring you closer when I feel that you're trustworthy, right? So that may mean something like limiting conversations with people limiting time spent, especially if they're your family, time spent with them. But if they come to you and say, hey, uh, you feel cold or distant, that is not something for you to manage, right? It's not for you to manage how someone else perceives you and your boundary. It is for you to say, I don't feel this relationship is trustworthy where I can bring you closer. And so because of that, until I see the trustworthy actions, behaviors, this is what I'm doing for me, right? So don't focus on appearing cold or distant. Focus on being in relationship with the person and saying, hey, this is what I need for the relationship. This is how I feel safe or trust, where I feel that I can trust you. And that's not for you to to do anything about. They have to do something about that. All right. Um. So the next question is: What role does vulnerability play in building trust, and how can I embrace it without fear of rejection? So fear of rejection is a real thing, and it's mostly because we have rejected ourselves. That's like the base of it. If, if and when we fear rejection, it is always because the rejection is, is within us. So vulnerability plays— is like the foundation of trust. If you're not vulnerable, I cannot trust you. I literally say this to my friends, anybody who I am building a friendship with, I say, if I— if there is no vulnerability, I cannot trust you. If I cannot trust you, you cannot be close to me. Doesn't mean that, um, I think of you any less. It just means that the requirement for closer access to me is vulnerability and trust. So when we learn how to be vulnerable with ourselves first, like really being honest about our flaws and not always seeking praise and just saying, hey, I really, I really— this is a, this is something that I am dealing with. And you could say struggle, have a challenge, whatever word you want to use, but being honest with what that is with yourself first enough to say Yeah, okay, this is something that I'm having a challenge with. Who's someone that is strong in this area that I can probably collaborate and partner with? That's a first step, really, because you're being vulnerable with that other person. So I'ma tell y'all about me, right? I'm a snackaholic. And so I reached out to a couple friends who are highly into fitness. Matter of fact, Dina being one of them, she's on here. And I said, hey, you know, I need some help in this area. That is a way of being vulnerable, right? No one will trust you if you got it all together, because none of us got it all together at all. I may be stronger in the area than you, but I don't have it all together. So if there's nothing in you that can say I need you to someone else, you're not being vulnerable. And it's understandable, especially like when you've been through trauma, because people have used the relationships to harm. And so now you feel afraid to be vulnerable. You feel like you're going to be rejected. But like one thing that I've learned in being— practicing vulnerability, because it's something that you have to practice, is if I don't reject myself, no one else can reject me. That's literally the thing. So learn how to not reject yourself. Learn how to listen. Find your voice. Listen to yourself and start trusting yourself and being vulnerable to those who have proven that they can handle your vulnerability. Okay. All right, let's see. Let's look at the chat to see what's going on here. Oh, all right. The next question: how can I overcome the fear of being hurt or betrayed again, especially after past experience? Okay, so this is another one that's really, really good because in a short answer, overcoming fear is facing the fear. It's saying, hey, you know, it didn't feel good When my— when I thought that I had a friend and my friend betrayed me. Like, I don't know if y'all seen my video when I talk about my friend who wrote me a 10-page letter telling me how she hated being my friend. Yeah, there were signs there early on that I was ignoring, you know. I was trying to play God, really. I was trying to say, oh, you know, Maybe that's just an off day. No, start paying attention. You know, showing up in relationships means showing up in relationships. So don't be like, I'm not trusting nobody again. No, put yourself out there because the, the literal sense of love is allowing yourself to be exposed to hurt. That's what love means. Okay, so what I would say is get to know people. Put yourself out there, take a risk, but pay attention to signs. Someone shows you— like Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't think that you Jesus Jr. and you could save them. We can't save nobody. When somebody shows you that they are— they betray themselves, because that's how it shows up first. You can see if someone is trustworthy by how they treat themselves. Somebody who does— don't practice healthy boundaries, self-care, not honest, people pleasing, they're not trustworthy. They will betray you. So learn from watching and discerning the signs that people show you. That's the thing that I always tell everybody: discern, discern, and decide not to, to deal with that. The next question is, how do I recognize when I'm overthinking or misrepresenting situations in ways that damage trust? This is This is another good one. Remember, always, anytime self-sabotage happens, I want you to think of the 3 things: don't speak, don't feel, don't trust. Anytime any of those things play in your brain, self-sabotage is happening. So when you're overthinking and misrepresenting situations, it's always based off of you being suspicious of someone. You're not, you're not, you know, trusting. Um, you're not communicating your needs. You're not allowing yourself to feel the feelings. Because there are some people— again, we have to be aware that there are some people who are not trustworthy. So I'm not talking about those people. Once you have discerned that someone is not trustworthy, they should not be in the category of overthinking and misrepresenting situations, right? Because they've already proven They're not trustworthy. There's no overthinking about it. Automatically assume that until they started to develop themselves, they're not trustworthy. However, people that have not given you any reason to not trust them, like they haven't done anything to betray your trust— because again, we have to also say people are human. We're going to— I'm gonna hurt you because I'm human. Hurt, harm, and betray— totally different things. Hurt you may mean, hey, you know, I really wanted you to show up to whatever it is and I didn't show up. Harm you, betraying you, meaning maybe I people-please and say, oh girl, yeah, I'm gonna be there, then I don't show up, then I avoid you. That's betraying, that's harming, right? But overthinking and misrepresenting always goes back to the 3 things. Remember that: don't think, don't feel, don't trust. So if you are thinking about those things, or those are the constant recurring themes, that is how you recognize. It'll always be based off of those 3 things, okay? Next question: What are some daily habits or mindset shifts I can adopt to foster self-confidence and reduce self-sabotage? So I, I always tell people, I can only tell you what I do, right? I remember, no matter how you feel about the Bible and Jesus, I use— I go to the Bible, I go to, you know, I emulate Jesus. And I remember When I, when I didn't used to do that, and it was because someone misrepresented him to me. So me being curious, I got to know Jesus for myself. I read the Bible for myself. They have some amazing nuggets of how to adopt self-confidence, because when you yield yourself to God, right, he infuses you with his confidence of who you are. So you don't even have to have your own. You just— come on, God, let me use yours, right? That's the reason why I do it, because it works and it's amazing, and I don't have to use my own strength. I just lean on him and he does all of that for me. So reading my Bible, praying, meditating, journaling— those are some ways that I ways and habits and mindset shifts, shifts that I use to build self-confidence and reduce self-sabotage. And how do I balance being authentic with maintaining professionalism in environments where trust is crucial? So with this question, I always say that if I have to balance not being authentic in order to be professional, how professional is that? I don't frequent spaces where I cannot show up as my authentic self. So learn how to say no to spaces, places, and things and people who don't allow you to show up as your authentic self. Because if you're not showing up as your authentic self, you can't build trust and you are self-sabotaging. So that's it. That's the post. Okay. And as always, like I said, learn how to build community with other people. Um, and that's all I got. Okay. So I hope this was helpful. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. Drop a comment below. Let me know how lack of trust is hindering your relationships, and I'll see you next video.