Live Q&A: Overcoming trust issues and building healthier relationships.
In this live YouTube Q&A, host Tameka Anderson engages participants Janisha, Dina, and others in a trust‑focused session. She begins with a "Trust Check‑In" icebreaker where viewers rate their trust in themselves, partners, and belief in rebuilding trust on a 1‑10 scale. The core discussion covers how trust is broken—often first by betraying oneself through ignored boundaries—and how to start rebuilding it. Key steps include stopping self‑betrayal, having honest conversations to assess mutual willingness, and recognizing signs that trust is returning, such as increased leaning‑in and deeper conversations. Anderson addresses handling insecurities by shifting from a protective to a preparatory mindset, advises on what to do when a partner refuses to work on trust, and reframes red‑flag focus toward identifying green‑flag qualities like availability, accountability, and consistency. She explains boundaries as "bridges" rather than walls, offering practical examples. For long‑distance or online relationships, she stresses intentional "value meetings" to align core values and maintain connection. The session culminates with a focus on self‑trust—building it by consistently doing what one says one will do—and how this personal reliability spills over into all relationships. Throughout, Anderson shares personal anecdotes, a brief biblical reference, and promotes her "You're It Factor" quiz and ongoing coaching services.
Chapters
If you're here, drop a comment below so I can say hello, and we will get started. Hey, Janisha, how are you? How are you, Janisha? I'm so glad you were able to make it. Are you back in Oklahoma? Hey, Dina. Janisha, are you back in Oklahoma? All right, so since y'all are here, I want to play a quick, uh, little game with you. Thanks so much for hopping on with me. So since we're talking about trust today, the game is going to be about trust. As you know, as you're sharing with your friends and your friends are getting ready to come on Let's play this quick game about trust. I'm frozen? No. Am I frozen for everybody? I hope not. I hope I'm not frozen for everybody. I hope everybody can see me, so I'm gonna keep going. All right, so we're gonna play a quick game called Trust check-in. Okay, all right, Dina, you can see me? Great. Trust check-in. So drop a number between 1 and 10 for the statement that I make, right? 1 obviously being lower end of the scale, 10 being highest. Okay, all right, so the first statement I have is I trust myself to make the right decisions in relationships. Drop a number between 1 to 10, let me know where you at. I trust myself to make the right decisions in relationships. Number between 1 and 10, where you at? I just want to kind of gauge and see where we at in, in the audience today. You Said an 8. I love it, glad to know. Okay, Janisha, you said okay, not anymore. Good to hear. So what's your number, Janisha, between 1 to 10? Um, 3. Okay, all right, thanks for that. Thanks for that number. Okay, so if you're just joining, the statement that I ask is I trust myself to make the right decisions in relationship. Drop a number between 1 and 10 where you are on that statement. The next statement is, I trust my partner or others to have my best interests at heart. Number between 1 and 10. I trust my partner or others to have my best interests at heart. Where you at 1 to 10, drop a number between 1 to 10. I trust my partners or other people in my life to have my best interest at heart. And while we dropping the numbers, y'all see the curls? I don't know how long, long these curls gonna last, but they here today, y'all. All right, uh, Dina, you said 1. Okay, all right, thank you, thank you. You said 7. Okay, okay. All right, and then our final question is, uh, well, statement. I believe trust can be rebuilt after it's been broken. 1 to 10, where y'all at? I believe trust can be rebuilt after it's— drop a number, 1 to 10. what you say. You think trust can be rebuilt after it's been broken? Let's see, 1 to 10, what do you think? You said 10. Okay, thanks for sharing. Thanks for sharing that. What do you think, 1 to 10, can trust be rebuilt after it's been broken? All right, so y'all know, you know, I'm the fun coach. I bring the fun. So we always like to have fun before we get started into a topic, especially about trust, right? And, um, you know, if you haven't already taken the You're It Factor quiz, the QR code is right here. Please take it. I will also drop the link in the chat for those who cannot reach the QR code, because I understand that there was a little bit of difficulty reaching it, don't worry, I got you. Okay, so let's get this party started, shall we? Our first question of today is, how can I rebuild trust after being betrayed in a relationship? And I always like to talk about, you know, rebuilding trust After betrayal, because betrayal is something that—it's so funny—it—it literally starts with ourselves, right? I remember any time I was in any type of friendship, relationship, situationship, and I was betrayed, it was always because I betrayed myself first. Like I did not. Honor my own boundaries. I did not say, hey, I'm not okay with this, and actually stuck to I'm not okay with this. I kind of kept moving the goalposts to say, oh, well, maybe I'll allow this. And it was due to fear. I was afraid that I would, I would lose the relationship, I would lose the friendship, I would lose connection with the person. So I was allowing things that I was not okay with, which I was betraying myself. So the first thing I always tell people is learning how to stop betraying ourselves is the first way to rebuild trust, right? And then the second thing that I would do is have a conversation with the person that, you know, you felt the betrayal from, right? And so because you need to know if this is a relationship that is even worth rebuilding trust for. All right, Dina, you said 10 if both of us put the work in to rebuild. If both parties are not putting the work in, 1. Absolutely, absolutely. Because if the person is not interested in building the relationship, you don't have a relationship, okay? So that has to be a conversation, and it has to be both parties willing to do that, right? So learning how not to betray ourselves is Numero uno. Okay, so the next question is, what are some signs that trust is starting to be restored in a relationship? Okay, so let me back up real quick and say this. I, I was reading, uh, I was reading my devotionals, uh, today, and one of the things that I read in Genesis chapter 1, verse 26 through 28, where God was literally talking about how, you know, let us make man in our own image and our likeness Blackness, God was showing us how he designed us as humans to have authority over the fowls of the air, the things of the sea, the creatures on the earth. I never saw where he said we're to have authority over each other. We're not— that's not what we're supposed to be doing. And I believe that a lot of trust is broken because People misuse relationships, right? They try to control other people. We're not here to control nobody but ourselves. And so when you misuse a relationship, then trust issues come up, because now instead of us being prepared— preparing ourselves to be in relationship with other people, we're protecting ourselves. from being in a relationship with people, right? And so that's why I say all the time, it's just like learning how to first of all trust ourselves is something that we definitely have to work on in order to make sure that we're trusting, you know, being able to identify trust in other people. So some signs that trust is starting to be restored in a relationship is When someone is leaning into the relationship, when they're approaching you more, when, um, they want to have more conversations with you, more connections with you, like more of actually being with you, that is a sign that trust is starting to be restored in relationship. Oh, I see another message. Oh, hello, my mother is in the chat. Good afternoon. And so That is something that we always want to make sure that we are paying attention to, is whether or not someone is approaching us more, um, more available for in-depth conversation, more available for going deeper in the connection. That is a sign that trust is being restored, because people who trust you want to lean in more, to be more, to do more and be available more. So that, that is a sign there. Um, what's the next question? What are some signs that trust— wait, oh, I just did that one. Duh. How do I handle insecurities that stem from past relationships and prevent me from fully trusting? So again, me being a wordsmith, I broke down insecurity, and that means not being secure or not feeling secure, right? And I understand, like, for myself, when I dealt with extreme, like, trust issues, it was mostly because I had not taken the time to feel secure in the choices that I made for myself. So therefore, the insecurity kind of spilled over into every relationship, conversation, situation, etc., that I had with other people. And it did stem from, uh, past relationships, past situations where I didn't feel safe because someone did not have my best interest at heart and they misused the relationship to, you know, uh, put all of that on me. So I was spilling this onto everybody else because again, we as humans, we're either going to be in protection mode, meaning protecting ourselves from being in relationship with people, or are we going to be in preparation mode, preparing ourselves to be in relationship with people? So I always say, when you know Insecurities are the ones that are preventing you from being in relationship and fully trusting people is where your brain goes. Are you saying, I don't know if I want to do this because I don't know if they're going to— that's protection mode. You're protecting yourself from future harm because of past harm. Or are you saying, I want to be in relationship with this person, let me see If they also want the same thing too. Okay, so that is how I— that's a huge sign that I always take when I'm looking at whether I'm coming from insecurities or am I actually saying I want to trust somebody. Okay. So the next question says, what should I do if my partner is unwilling to work on building trust? And like I don't know. Like, this is something that I always say. I ask one question: why would I want to be in relationship with someone who's unwilling to work on building trust? Because I can't control anybody but myself. So why would I want to willingly put myself in a relationship or be in a relationship with someone who's literally unwilling to, to build trust. So that's what I would say. Just ask yourself that question. Like, you have to do the, the real hard work of saying, all right, let's, um, let's look in the mirror and get honest about what it is that we want. Okay, next question. What are the red flags that indicate someone may not be trustworthy? You know, I, I feel like A lot of us are very, very familiar with red flags, so I want to talk about some green flags, right? Because red flags are all over the world that, you know, I feel this is the reason why a lot of people don't have deeper relationships is because we're always looking for red flags. We're always looking for a reason not to trust someone. So what I always say is someone who is trustworthy is available for deep intimate connections, conversations, hard conversations, conversations that are not comfortable, being able to be accountable, being available, being consistent, right? Being someone who says Hey, I'm dealing with X, Y, and Z, and I need help. How willing are you to say, "I need you for whatever it is that they need it for"? That's someone who's trustworthy. People who are not trustworthy—they don't do that. They're not available. They're inconsistent. They are not leaning into conversations. They're not leaning in and. Being available for the deeper things versus— like I say, there's 2 types of people: those who do things together and those who do life together. Those who do life together know everything that's going on with you in your life— the good, the bad, the ugly, right? Those who do things together know the next thing you have going on, so they'll show up for it. So Someone who's trustworthy is available to actually do life together, right? Um, how can I set healthy boundaries without making my partner feel rejected or distant? This is another one. Um, once I really started learning what boundaries were, I realized that a lot of people think boundaries are this thing where, oh, you know, I'm gonna set a boundary so you can't do this to me. Anytime we say we're gonna set a boundary so somebody else can't do something, it's not a boundary, it's a guard, it's a wall. Boundaries are bridges to allow connections, to allow relationships, right? This here, I'm extending this bridge to you, right? And that's what a boundary is. If you think about Hey, here's a bridge. What is a bridge? It's meant for someone to come over and say, this is what I'm extending, and this is how I'm showing up to say this is where I begin and end as a person, where you begin and end as a person, for us to be in relationship together without you compromising who you are and vice versa. So anytime that you set A boundary. It should be focused on how to keep a relationship. So if you are focused on how to be in relationship with someone and they feel rejected or distant, that is their responsibility to come and say to you, hey, I feel this due to whatever it is your action or behavior is. It is not for us to say, oh, well, I need to set this boundary so that they don't feel this, because you can't control how somebody else feels. It is to say, I'm setting this boundary so that we can have this bridge. I can be myself. For example, for, for me, I do like a lot of time to read and research and learn and stuff like that. So I set a boundary with myself. To say I'm going to get up at this certain time so that I can spend some time reading my Bible, praying, spending time with God, journaling, before I talk to anybody else. But that's a boundary for me. I'm not telling somebody don't call me before this time, don't talk to me before this time. What happens when someone tries to call or whatever before the time that I've already set for my boundaries? I return the, the call after I'm done. That is a boundary. But most boundaries, you should not— someone else should not know that it's a boundary anyway. A good boundary, someone else doesn't even know that it is a boundary. So that's what I would say, like, as far as someone feeling rejected and distant. It should be where there is some type of bridge that you are building to say, hey, I need this. in order to be myself in this relationship? Um, and how do I navigate rebuilding trust in a long-distance or online relationships? A lot of times even this has gotten a bad rap, like, because people who are not available emotionally use a lot of distance. Like I always say, people who, who who are not available for a connection will create disconnection. And that means a lot of people say, oh, well, you know, I do better with long-distance relationships or online relationships. And it's like, I don't understand how that, how that works, because in order to really get to know somebody, you need to connect with them, like, in person. You need to have a lot of connections. There's only so much that I can say and do across the screen. This is one of the reasons why I like to host in-person events, because even like on the screen, there's only so much that can come across or that we could talk about or we can discuss. But like in person, you can feel my energy, we can have in-depth conversations, all of those things. So rebuilding trust really takes a lot of intentionality. Like, you really have to be intentional about what it is that you're doing. Like you have to set time, set dates to say, hey, we're going to do— I do something called value meetings, right, where I have 3 core values and I sit down with me and my children and we talk, we discuss the 3 core values and we discuss how each one of us are showing up in those values. And we also discuss Whether someone else feels, OK, well, this is how I felt this month, as, you know, as it relates to the core value. And they— we give feedback. And so I always say, like, having a relationship, it requires us to be intentional to say, hey, these are our core values. Are we really living up to this? And what do we need to do differently in order to make sure that we're on track. So if you're not having intentional meetings about the nature of your relationship and how to be closer to each other, it's going to be very difficult to build and rebuild trust in a long-distance online relationship. And the final question is, what role does self-trust play in building healthier relationships And how can I improve? The best way to improve self-trust is to do what you say you're gonna do. Like, seriously, it sounds so easy, so simple. It really is. I don't— I'm very particular about what I say I'm going to do because I don't want to tell you I'm going to do something and then I don't do it, because now I live with myself every day. So now what I'm doing is my inner voice is saying, oh yeah, well, you ain't do what you said you was gonna do, so how you know you gonna do that? I don't need all of that, that inner negative chatter. So I, I'm very particular about what I say I'm going to do so that I'm constantly building the self-trust in myself to say, oh, I am going to do this. I have a track record of doing what I say I'm going to do. And in turn, that self-trust spills onto every relationship I have. I have client relationships where I've done business with clients years ago, and they come back to me even now to say, hey, I trusted you to help me with this. Now I'm dealing with this, and you're the person that I want to trust for that. But it's because I've built the, the trust. And I have to continue to keep building on that with myself. So like now, I told, I told myself I was going to start drinking more juices, like natural juices, like juicing and stuff. I done bought me a juicer, y'all, because I am continuing to build the trust in myself. And I have my relationships, like, I'm super excited. I'm grateful that I have really good, healthy relationships. And in order to improve the, the health of all relationships, the health of ourselves, the relationship we have with ourselves has to be constantly improved upon. I'm constantly reading books, going to workshops and seminars. I have coaches. I have— listen, I got a coach, I got a mentor, I got a therapist, I go to group therapy. I literally am constantly helping to develop myself as a person so that everything that I do spills onto everybody else, but it's in a good way. So if I'm in the room, I know that I'm providing value versus siphoning the value, right? And so that is how we build healthier relationships. Everything starts and ends with us. If we don't have a healthy relationship with ourselves We ain't having a healthy relationship with nobody else, and that's just that's what it is. Like people always say the little cliché thing, but it is true. It starts with us. This is why the Bible always says love your neighbor as yourself, because you can't love your neighbor if you do not love yourself. Okay, and again, y'all, like I said. That's all I got. That's all I got for today. I'm so grateful that you were here to, uh, tune in. And, um, don't forget to take the It Factor quiz. And I'll be back with another live video. I will put it up there, whichever the next topic is. I'll put it up there. Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see y'all. Bye. Wednesday because I have a meeting tomorrow. So I will see y'all Wednesday. Thanks for joining me. All right, bye Dina. Bye Mom. Bye.
