Q&A: How to handle emotional triggers without pushing people away.

Do do do do do. Hello, my friends. As you come on in the room, drop a chat when you are here because I am going to wait until we get some more people on the live stream. And I will get this party started. We're gonna start with a game as people are coming into the room. Let me see where we at. Where we at? Let's play a little music while you're coming in the room. That's kind of— Yeah, let's see what this do. When you come on, drop a comment below. Let me know you're in the room. Yeah. Uh-oh. When you get in the room, drop a comment in the chat. Let me know you're here and I'll be getting started. In a moment, let me know you are here. I got some little music. I don't know what it is, but I don't know what that is, y'all. But okay, I am going to stop the music for a moment so that We can get started with— I have a game to play. You know, I'm the fun coach, so I bring the fun, you feel me? So as you are sharing this with your friends, because friends who share are friends who care— get out of here— but, um, as you're sharing this with your friends, I want to play a game with you real Quick. And the game is called— hold on, let me, uh, bring up my ticker here. The game is called Trigger Test: Guess the Emotion. Okay, so what I'm gonna do, I am going to share several scenarios with you. All right, as I share the scenario You drop in the comment what emotion you would be feeling. Okay. All right, are we ready to do this? Okay. So, um, the first scenario is your friend canceled plans last minute. You were really looking forward to seeing this friend, but they was just like, okay, so I can't make it. What would be the emotion you would be feeling? Drop it in the chat, drop it in the chat. Let's hear. Uh, right, right. Beautiful smile. Oh, well, thank you. Thanks so much for that. But what emotion would you be feeling If a friend canceled on you last minute, you were really looking forward to seeing this friend, but they canceled last minute. What's the emotion? Drop it in the chat for me. Okay. Is it anger? Is it sadness? Is it how dare you do this to me? What is it? How what you feeling? Tell me what you're feeling. Feeling if a friend canceled last minute. All right, and for those of you who like, I don't care, it don't matter, my friend canceled me, that's fine. Okay, so the second scenario, if a co-worker that you don't particularly care for come to you and give you some constructive criticism. Okay, so what's the emotion you feeling? Again, this is a coworker you don't particularly care for, and they're going to give you constructive criticism. What's the emotion? All right, Rod, you said, I'd be blown. Blowed. Yes, thanks for sharing that, because yeah, I would be— I would be feeling a way. I would be feeling a way also. Um, and then the final scenario that I have for you is you found out somebody that you live with ate the last of your favorite snack. Now all of y'all snackaholics like myself, I want to know, what would you be feeling? For me, it'd be a bit of enragement because it's like, what are you doing? Y'all know I'm a snackaholic. You ate my stuff. So what would you be feeling if somebody you live with ate your favorite snack? I'm just saying, you know, because all snack lives matter, right? So like I said, I would be enraged. Um, just saying. So what would you be feeling? Drop it in the chat for me. And we are about to get this party started again. Share with your friends. Because I have 10 questions that people ask about how to handle emotional triggers without pushing people away. Okay, so as always, before we get, get started, I just want to let y'all know I am not a therapist or a psychologist. I am a peer support mental health professional. sharing from my level of research and awareness. Okay, that being said, welcome to Mental Wellness Works, because mental wellness really works. All right, now as we're getting started with this, I do want to let you know that I am actually releasing my next book called You're It, and I have fun little quiz If you see this QR code right here, go ahead on and, um, use that QR code to take the brief little 2-minute quiz. Because what is your it factor? That's what I love to learn about people. What's your it factor, right? What is it, that thing that you got that nobody else got, that you ain't got no competition with? Okay, take the quiz, drop in the chat what your it factor is, and Extra points if you can guess which mine is. Okay, all right, so without further ado, let's get started with the first question. The first question is, what are emotional triggers and how do I identify mine? Oh, how much time do we have? Okay, so, um, the thing that I want to say about this is I remember when I was sitting in my therapist's office and I was telling her about this time that clearly I was triggered. I didn't even know that that's what it was called, you know. I was just telling her, oh man, they made me so mad. Um, I'm sitting there and they just ignoring me, and I'm sitting here trying to help them out and they ignore me. And she was like, Tamika, so what were you feeling? I was like Weren't you listening? Mad, because how they ignoring me and I'm trying to help them out? I'm sitting here, I got up at the butt crack of dawn to get here to help them, and they ignoring me. They talking to everybody else except me. So she allowed me to kind of like slow down and breathe, because yes, I was talking that fast when we were having this conversation. And then she said, okay, so where do you feel it in your body? I never thought to Even think about where I felt it in my body. But after I sat and I, I was still for a moment, I, I did feel it in my body. And I felt it from here up. It was like this heat. I— it was just— I felt angry, but it was like a, like an adrenaline kind of anger, like, oh, I want to just tear somebody's head off. So it was this, this heat feeling that I felt like from my, from my heart on up to my head. And, um, that's when I first realized that being ignored was a trigger for me. And then I also realized that there's a particular personality that also triggers me. And this narcissist, right? Oh, don't get me started. But can't nobody trigger me like a narcissist. Nobody. Like, literally, because I've been doing work, I understand that someone who has narcissistic tendency and personalities or whatever— when I find myself being triggered by a person is because they have those tendencies. And the reason I, you know, I got to the bottom of the reason why I felt that way Is because my it factor is to develop people who've experienced childhood trauma to be in community with safe and supportive people so that they can fulfill their purpose, right? So that's my it factor. And because of my it factor, because that is my it factor, it— people who have narcissistic tendencies or are narcissistic They trigger me because narcissistic personality refuse to look at themselves enough to develop as a person. And that's literally what my factor is, is to help people develop themselves. I'm digressing, but okay, just so you know, that's the answer to that question. What is the next question? Here. All right, so the next question says, how can I stay calm when someone triggers me? OMG. Okay, so let's talk about this. I always tell people, if you're not— if you don't know how to gauge and calm yourself outside of being triggered, trying to calm yourself while you're actively triggered Is next to impossible. So we must learn how to calm ourselves before we get triggered, right? You can't be a chaotic person living in chaos and say, oh, well, help me stay calm during triggered. You ain't gonna be able to do it. So what I say is, in an active trigger, when you feel Triggered, excuse yourself. Just excuse yourself real quick. Like, you ain't got to say nothing, just especially if you're somebody like me. You go on, excuse yourself, and then lean in, right? Ask yourself questions. Like, this is what I, I usually do. I'll go, go to the bathroom, lean in, ask myself who, what, when, where, why. Because I want to know who was there when I was triggered. Like, is it a person that triggered me? Um, I want to know what actually triggered me. Was it a behavior? Was it a smell? Was it an action? Something like that. Um, I want to know when I felt triggered. Like, was it as soon as they start talking? Was it once they got defensive? Was it once they kind of like dismissed me? Whatever it is, when is it that I felt the trigger? Then where in my body do I feel it? Sometimes I feel the trigger right here in my heart, right there. Sometimes it'd be like right here. I'd be like, oh. And then How did I show up when I was triggered? So how all of these things are happening, right? Because what happens is— what I realize is like the trigger is like this adrenaline running in my body. And you know, the only way to really, really redirect the adrenaline that's happening when you're triggered is to do something physical like that you, you know, enjoy. In the moment. And so for me, I like to dance, so I'll just have me like a little dance party because I have to get and redirect this energy that's going on in my body. So that is a way that I can help myself calm down when I'm actively triggered so that I can kind of go back into the situation to say, all right, let's, you know, have a conversation if I'm talking to a person. Because sometimes a trigger happens It's like a smell or an environment or something. Um, but if I'm talking to a person, then I can come back and say, hey, oh, okay, had to get myself together, y'all. I had to get myself together. So the next question is, what are the best ways to communicate feelings without causing conflict? And so this one, I have to say this, there's no way that you can control whether or not something you say is going to cause conflict with another person, right? So we have to learn how to stop being control freaks, stop trying to control other people. Only person we can control is ourselves. So control me, right? And so just know that sometimes, even in under the best circumstances— I remember I had a conversation with someone once, and, um, every time I tried to bring truth to this person There was conflict. Well, I, I had no way of controlling not having the conflict. I can only control myself. So I always say shift the focus from saying, hey, uh, I want to communicate but I don't want to cause conflict. Shift the focus from that to saying, how will I show up if conflict happens? Because a lot of times if we think that, oh, if I say this it's going to cause some conflict, so I'm just not going to say it, that's not helpful. What we need to focus on is if I say this and it caused conflict, we're still going to be okay. At least I am. And here's how I'm going to show up. So that's what I would say for that question. The next question, how do I set boundaries without feeling guilty? I actually did a video about this one, how to set boundaries, um, without feeling guilty. And so what I say is, ask yourself this question, is it guilt that I feel or discomfort? Because a lot of times that's really what it is. We feel discomfort for setting boundaries. And it's okay, it's okay to feel discomfort when you're setting boundaries, especially if you have been raised in an environment where boundaries weren't respected, boundaries weren't taught, boundaries weren't maintained. Um, so if you were raised in an environment where boundaries were not valued, yes, you are going to feel discomfort when setting and maintaining boundaries. So lean in and ask yourself, hey, why do I feel discomfort? And you'll get to the bottom of it. And more, more time than not, it's because you've never seen boundaries being modeled. So there's that discomfort there, and then you'll know what to do about that. Okay. The next question: What steps can I take to avoid overreacting in the moment? All right, let's talk about this. Okay, I remember I had a mentor once who who told me the story about if you had. A dull axe in 3 hours to chop down the tree, what would you do? Of course I got that answer wrong, y'all, until he told me spend 99% of your time sharpening your axe, and then you'll spend the 1% of time chopping down the tree. And so that's what I tell people— spend 99% of your time Developing yourself as a person in the dark where ain't nobody watching. Meaning you do the things that you need to do to personally develop yourself so that when you are interacting with other people, you won't overreact. Because I remember I used to be an overreactor. I did. I used to overreact a lot, and it was mostly because I wasn't spending the time that I needed developing myself, honing my skills, doing my work on me enough to be able to handle whatever it, it was that was going on, um, with other people. So spend time sharpening your axe, developing yourself in private, working on your triggers, practicing, if you will. Like, if somebody do something you know that it— you know, you're triggered by, then practice how you respond. Practice how you respond. Like, write down the stuff that you know are pet peeves or make you angry. and practice somebody you don't like saying it to you and how you respond to them. That's what I would say. That would be— that's, that's all I got. All right, the next question. How can I rebuild relationships after pushing someone away? Oh, this is a— this is another good question too, because what I would say is Communication is key, right? You hear a lot of people say that, but it's true. Communication is key. And the first thing you want to do is ask if that person even wants to rebuild the relationship, because if they don't want to rebuild the relationship, what you doing? It don't matter anyway, right? So ask if they want to rebuild the relationship. If they do, then learn how to sit down, have a conversation, and talk about your conflict styles. Like, I remember before I learned how to practice healthy communication skills, my conflict style would be people please, people please, people please, resent, resent, resent, then blow up, blow up, blow up, and then, you know, fracture the relationship, don't talk, come back, act like nothing happened, rinse and repeat. And that was a horrible way to live. It was horrible. So just being upfront and honest to say, hey, listen, I wasn't developed in the area to resolving conflict. However, here's what we can sit down and do together when the conflict arise, because conflict is inevitable. Learning how to resolve it is going to be the key to rebuilding and building healthy relationships. So that's what I'll say about that. Next question: What tools can help me process triggers in healthy ways? Okay, so I have ABC, my ABC method. I don't know if you've ever heard it before, but my ABC method is A, be aware of your triggers. And we literally talked about that in the first question here. How do you identify your triggers? So A, become aware of your triggers. B, set healthy boundaries around your triggers. That does not mean you telling people, hey, don't call me at this time. That means you putting your phone on DND from the time you don't want people to call you, um, because boundaries is about setting precedent over what you're going to do for you. It doesn't mean telling somebody else what they need to do for you, okay? That's what boundaries mean. And then C is resolving the conflict internally. Right, internally. Remember I told you there's a way that you can process by asking who, what, when, where, why questions in the mirror to yourself. And then with that adrenaline, getting it out, you know, do a light little jog, uh, dance or whatever. Move your body so that you can process it in a healthy way and you're not blowing up on people. Trust me, I've been there. It's not cool. Oh, it's not cool, y'all. I used to be so bad. Oh, I used to be so bad. All right, next question. How do I recognize if I'm projecting my emotions onto others? Another good one. So one of the best ways that I say that you can recognize whether or not you are projecting your emotions onto others Is if you're telling somebody what they're thinking, if you're telling somebody what they're what they're saying, if you're telling somebody what they mean, you're projecting. So there's a way where someone let's just say somebody is very cantankerous. You having a conversation with them? I mean, because some people are like this, and you having a conversation with them, and they're just they doing all of that. Instead of saying you are cantankerous, you can say I feel, and then whatever it is you're feeling. I think, whatever you think. I am, whatever you, you know. So keeping the, the, uh, the I statements focused on what you're thinking, you're feeling, you're saying, that helps you not to project Your emotions onto other people because you don't know what they're thinking. You don't know what they're feeling. You can guess, but you don't know, right? So keep the focus on you, and that helps you not to project onto other people. Okay, next question: What role does self-awareness play in managing triggers? Have we been listening? The role that self-awareness plays is self-awareness is the tool. Self-awareness is the tool for managing triggers, because if you're not self-aware of the your triggers, guess what you're going to be doing? Repressing. And the more we repress, the more we come depressed. So we're not repressing over here. We're becoming self-aware. Of our triggers, so that we can manage our reactions. Not manage the trigger, manage the reaction to the trigger because the trigger is going to happen, right? So we we need to just let it do what it does, but we're managing our reaction to it because it's uncomfortable. You know, if you've ever been triggered, you understand that is an uncomfortable feeling. Oh my goodness! It's just like oh. Yeah, it's a lot. So we're managing our reaction to feeling those uncomfortable feelings, right? And the last question is, how do I address emotional triggers without shutting people out? All right, this is my— this, this is the— this is what we're here for. So remember The ABCs I was talking about. Mm-hmm. ABCs. Become aware of your trigger. That's the first thing you do. B, set boundaries around your triggers. For example, um, I'm no good in the, in the evening, so I just put my phone on DND because I need to get some sleep. But I don't tell people, don't call me after this time. You'll just know when I don't answer the phone. Okay, so setting boundaries around your triggers. And, uh, see, resolving the conflict internally first. Then there's another step that you take after you resolve the conflict internally. Reach out to your support system. That's what you do. Reach out to your support system. Reach out to a supportive person. Have a conversation. Because one thing about it is when we are Attempting to address emotional triggers without shutting people out. It is easy. The easy thing to do is say, I got this, let me deal with it by myself, I don't need nobody else. That's the problem. We shut people out when we say, I got this, let me just deal with this. No, you should have 1 to 3 supportive people in your circle that you can reach out at any given time. Because I say 1 to 3, because sometimes people are not going to be available. That's okay. We got lives. However, supportive people should be people that show up for you. Show up, not abandon, not ignore, not minimize, not dismiss. Show up. Meaning you could say, hey, this is how I'm feeling. I'm not feeling good today. I'm not interested in this, blah blah blah blah. Whatever it is, they show up for you, scars and all. That is what a supportive person looks like. So I always say, if you, if you don't have that, literally you have to cultivate community. You have to learn how to build community with supportive people. Some people are not able to be supportive. That's okay. Just don't call them or consider them your support system. Okay, you need to build community with people who can support you as a person, not placate, coddle, take care of you emotionally. Our job is to take care of ourselves emotionally. Our job is also to find community with people who can be a support system when we need them. So this is why I design, you know, programs and stuff like this. And be sure, if you haven't already, to take the It Factor quiz. I would love to know your It Factor type. And get on the waitlist for my book, You're It, coming up. I hope this was helpful. I will be doing a series of live streams. If there's something in particular you want, you want me to cover, be sure to drop a comment and say, hey, can you cover this? I will be sure to do that. But this was great, and until next time, thanks so much for watching, and I'll see