In this livestream the speaker, Tameka Anderson, explores family dysfunction and offers a practical framework for establishing healthy boundaries with toxic or dysfunctional relatives, especially during the holidays. She opens with a reference to the Netflix film The Killer (“Forbid empathy, trust no one”) to illustrate an extreme model of dysfunction, then pivots to the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, framing boundaries as an act of radical self‑love rather than a tool for controlling others. The talk outlines why boundaries are hard with family (proximity to shared issues, fear of vulnerability) and warns against enabling harmful behavior such as gossip, mobbing, or repeated breaches of trust. Concrete strategies are presented: arriving early and leaving early, refusing to engage in gossip, using “Do Not Disturb” on phones, verbally asserting feelings (“I’m allowed to feel whatever”), and, when necessary, removing oneself from the situation. A detailed client vignette demonstrates how a mother can set a clear, level‑appropriate boundary with a child who hits her, emphasizing that boundaries teach children respect. Throughout, the speaker stresses that boundaries serve the self’s mental‑health needs, that individuals have permission to disengage from dysfunction, and that self‑care actions (e.g., DND, limiting exposure) are essential. The session ends with a call‑to‑action to a 2‑minute quiz that helps viewers identify personal needs for better boundary setting.
Chapters
Welcome. Here I am. So today we're going to talk about family dysfunction. So let's get into it. The first thing that I want to talk about is like the new movie, the new Netflix movie that came out titled The Killer. And in The Killer, he said something very, very interesting that I want to address really quickly. So one of the things that he mentioned was that— oh, hey, Dejanice! Um, in the, the movie The Killer, one of the things that he talked about was How he—I want to quote what he said first. He says, "Forbid empathy, trust no one." And this is what I consider an extreme example of dysfunction, because in family dysfunction, the unspoken rule is. Don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. Okay, and so in family dysfunction, you know, with the holidays coming up, I wanted to make sure that we covered this today about how to set boundaries. And so one of the things is the book that I want to talk about today, uh, it's called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. It's a very, very good book, and, um, if you want the link to it, I'll definitely drop it in the description. But I want to talk about a couple of points that she mentioned because in my, um, words, boundaries are a way for you to show yourself radical self-love, right? It is not a way for you to control other people. And I believe that's a lot of the reasons why people struggle with setting boundaries is because they're focused on trying to get someone else to do or not do something when boundaries are for you. And I want to get into some, um, bookmarks that I did for this particular book that I thought was— oh my God, it was so, so good. Um, the first thing that I want to talk about is, first of all, it's difficult setting boundaries with family members because they are so close to you. Um, in the book she says, when those we love draw close to us, they draw close to our issues. And when they're close to our issues, we come face to face with their issues as well. And honestly, I believe that's a lot of the reasons why a lot of people don't want to be close to people, is because they don't want to be vulnerable. They don't want people to see their issues. And that's really what it is. They don't mind seeing yours, they don't want you to see theirs. But with family, they're going to see them, right? So, um, another thing that she mentioned that I really want to talk about is we can't enable bad behavior and call it love. So good. There are so many times, especially in dysfunctional families, where Bad behavior is enabled. And that's just not like just for little kids, that's for adults. Bad behavior can look like gossiping about each other behind their backs. Um, bad behavior can look like family mobbing. Oh, that's a whole nother thing, whole nother situation. But bad behavior can look like several different things, right? But you can't enable bad behavior and call it love. So how do you set boundaries for toxic family members? You know, with the holidays coming up, a lot of people are probably anxious and nervous about spending time with people that are in their family that they don't necessarily know how to set a boundary for. Well, I remember when I would attend family events, I would go early and I would leave early simply because I knew it was going to be drama. I knew they were going to find a way to make me the root of the problem. So I— that was my boundary until I just end up just not attending the events altogether. It just was not worth it. My mental health was worth not attending. Not saying that I don't like them, I don't hate— that I hate them or anything like that, but it's just saying that in order to show my— both myself and them love, I cannot be present. And it's because of the bad behavior. Yeah, I just— I couldn't do it. So You have to think about what it is that you need in order to show yourself love and them love. Sometimes that means you can't be in the same space as them, and that's okay. Um, another thing is, oh, something that's so good that she said: you cannot build trust that keeps getting broken. Oh my God, that's so good, because how can you build trust if it's constantly being broken over and over and over again? That's one of the reasons why I chose to take myself out of the family events, because my trust was constantly being broken over and over again. I remember one of the families that I worked with and setting boundaries, which brings me to another point too that I want to mention about boundaries with parents. You know, parenting— the parenting boundary relationship is so difficult, and I want to share that now. When I was working with a client, and I remember I was observing them, and the child hit his mother, and then he just ran off. And I could tell by the look on her face, she didn't like it. She didn't want it to continue, and that she felt a little probably shame and embarrassment. So I asked her, I said, let me ask you a question. Do you want him to continue hitting you? And she was like, no. I said, okay, because that was the first thing that I wanted to do to make sure that this isn't something something she was okay with. So she was like, no, I don't. So then I said, okay, so let me ask you another question. Why didn't you say anything when he hit you? And she says, well, I don't know what to say. I don't want to be mean. And so I just kept asking more questions. To get to the bottom of what her belief was. And because of society, society feels that a mother is just supposed to just be there 1,000% for the children no matter what, just put herself in the way. And that's just not— that's not okay, especially when the mother is drowning, you know. So the mother relationship needs to be addressed. And so I said, you know, once I got to the bottom of it, I was like, well, do you want this to continue? She's like, no, I don't know what to do. And I said, okay. I said, well, what would you say to him if you felt like it wasn't me? What would you say to him? And so she kind of chuckled and said, well, I'll tell him to stop hitting me. And I said, yeah, that's exactly what you say. I said, "Don't plead with him. Don't bargain with him. Get on his level." And he, you know, because he's little, she had to get down on his level. Look him in his eye and say, "Do not hit me." That's it. And so she did. And then, you know, she noticed that it was just that simple. Just that simple. But something as simple as that is setting a boundary. You're saying you're not begging for respect. You're saying, I respect myself first, right? When you hit me, that is not respecting me. So I am letting you know that is not a way that you can interact with me. And I think a lot of moms probably think that it's not okay to set boundaries with children, but that's how children learn boundaries. You have to start setting them. That's the first place they start, is you set the boundary first, and they know this is what a boundary looks like so that they can become more familiar with setting boundaries. Honestly, that's why I believe a lot of people struggle with setting boundaries. However, I digress. So setting boundaries with your toxic family members looks like this. Number 1, if there's disrespect and you know that mentally it causes too much anxiety, consider not showing up. Consider not showing up. So if you say to yourself, oh, I can't just not show up, consider going early, leaving early. Okay, another boundary you can set family members may look something like if they begin talking, gossiping about certain things, I don't want to participate in that conversation, or just walk away. Um, another way you can set boundaries with family members that are toxic is, you know, a lot of times family members Because they don't want to deal with emotions. If you display any type of emotion other than happy, happy, joy, joy, then they will try to ridicule you, talk about you. Oh, you need to get out your feelings or something like that. So what you can say is, "I'm allowed to feel whatever I'm feeling," and if that makes you uncomfortable, that's okay. I'm still allowed to feel those feelings, period. So because what you're doing is you're showing yourself that you are important to you. Now, that doesn't mean that they're going to respect you, but if they don't, you can remove yourself, right? A lot of times, a lot of people don't think they have permission to remove themselves From dysfunction, because I don't really like the term toxic for families, but dysfunction. They don't feel they have permission to remove themselves from dysfunction in their family, and you do. You really do. So yeah, remove yourself if they cannot respect you. Don't stick around for it, right? And especially as a parent. If your child is trying to, you know, display some things, which it's for us to guide children, especially when they're younger, to guide them, right? But you as the parent, you set the tone. You say, I'm not okay with that, and that's it. You're not pleading and saying, will you please do this? Nope. You're very firm with boundaries. Boundaries are something that I never say please about. For example, um, my phone goes on DND at night. That's so I can get some sleep. There's nothing— no other reason. I don't tell people, please don't call me after— for what? They can see, or they'll realize when I don't answer, that I'm not available. So that's one thing that I will say is making sure that You, when you're setting boundaries, you're focused on you and what you need. When you focus on what you need in boundaries, it becomes easier to set them because you're not setting them to control someone. You're setting them to take care of yourself, your mental health, right? And so if being around a toxic family— I don't like this. I just said I don't like the phrase toxic. Dysfunctional family member causes you anxiety, remove yourself. You can't, you can't help what they do, so don't focus on what they're doing. Focus on you. I can remove myself. I can choose to not participate in this conversation. I can choose to, to express my feelings, and if it is not allowed I remove myself, right? So thanks for joining me on my first live, and, um, I have a brief 2-minute quiz in my description that helps you to figure out what your basic needs are so that you can set boundaries better. And feel free to click the link, take the 2-minute quiz, And I will see you again live next week. Have a great weekend. Bye. Bye.
