The Real Reason Kids Listen (or Don’t)

Welcome, welcome in, welcome in. If you are here, drop a comment in the chat. All settled. If you can see in the chat, there's a pinned comment if you would like to actually be on the call when we start the Q&A about today's— well, I have several questions, but There is— hey, Dina! There is the link to join that if you would like to join the Q&A. Hey, Jackie! Hey, Dawn! All right, um, so yeah, those who want to actually join live in Speak their answer, click on that link. You will— your face will not be shown, so don't worry. You know, you can be sitting in your bonnet or whatever you need to do, um, and your face will not be shown. But for those who want to answer the question in the chat, feel free. Our first question is, do you remember Your favorite teacher and why they stood out. So for those of you who are on here who may not know me, I am the Fun Coach Tamika, and I help leaders of children cultivate their it factor so they can build environments where children, students thrive emotionally and academically. So today I just got a few questions that I would love to have a conversation about because after working with children for so many years, I hear a lot of parents, ah, they don't listen. I gotta yell. Gentle parenting don't work. So I want to talk about that today. I want to talk about why children listen. Okay. But how I want to have the conversation is I want to ask some questions. So the first question is, do you remember Your favorite teacher and why they stood out. So I know for myself, I, I was a bit of a— I don't like to use the term rebel, but that was the terminology they used for me a lot when I was younger. I like it. I like to call it selective listening, okay? Because a lot of adults just weren't trustworthy, so I didn't feel the need to listen to them. And so I didn't, right? So, but I do remember there was— I had a music teacher and my music teacher was amazing. Okay. I remember I wanted to play the piano. So I went, we went to the music store and I was just touching the keys. I was just so excited. Like, oh my goodness, we're going to get a piano. I'm going to be able to play it. I'm going to go all over the world. I'm going to tour. I didn't know that's what that was, but whatever. So I'm touching the keys of this piano and just envisioning myself being able to play for millions of people. I could see it now. The crowd goes wild. I had a whole little concert in my head. So my guardian at the time was talking to the music teacher. While I was daydreaming. A few minutes later, we leave there, and as we're heading home, I'm like, okay, what happened? She tells me, oh well, he told me you need to get an organ first and learn how to play the organ, so I bought an organ and it'd be here tomorrow. I'm like, an organ? Only old people, old women with big butts play the organ. I'm like, why do I want to play the organ? So I get in there for my first lesson and I'm asking him like, why, why did you tell her to get an organ? Why do I have to play the organ? He said, well, if you learn how to play the organ first, the piano will be easy. So I'm like, okay. So I'm learning how to play and all of this stuff. And maybe a couple months later, I had started high school. And so he's just like, well, you can't play an organ in high school. You need to choose an instrument for band. So my dad played the saxophone. I thought the saxophone was like manly. I didn't want to get a saxophone, so I got the closest thing to it, a clarinet. So I got a clarinet. So now I'm playing the organ, clarinet, still no piano. And then I changed schools. Well, in, in the new school, they didn't have band, but they had orchestra. So I was like, yes, I don't have to play. He was like, you got to find a string instrument to play. I was like, dang, this is Sucks. So I learned to play the viola, and I remember a couple months in, I was like, "I'm tired of this. I don't want to do this no more." I was getting ready to go tell him, "I'm done with music classes. I wanted to play the piano. You don't want to teach me how to play? That's fine. I'll go figure out another day." I get in there, and they're just like, "Okay, we got the piano." So I get the piano, right? So now I'm in my piano lesson, and I me being a curious. child, I asked him, I said, why, when I wanted to play the piano, you made me play all of these other instruments before I could even get to the piano? Never forget what he said. This— he taught me the value of learning and adding value to yourself. He said, Tameka, when you first came into the store, I saw the way you were touching the keys of the piano. I could tell you not only you were intelligent, But you also were musically inclined. He said, when you came in, you only wanted to play one instrument, the piano. He said, but I wanted to push you as far as I can, as far as I could. So now you can play 4. He said, as an adult, you're gonna have to know how to be valuable. It doesn't make sense to you now, but when you get older, You will be able to command a larger rate because of your value. I just wanted to share that story to let y'all know that was the— my favorite teacher for sure, because it's true. He taught me how to add value to myself as a person. So that was great, that was great, that was great. Now let's see what y'all done wrote in here because y'all been in here talking. Okay, Dina, you said Yes, my first grade teacher, Miss Stanley, and my fifth grade teacher, Miss Saunders. Cool. You said Miss Epps, second grade, and Miss Whitmore, third and fourth grade. How y'all be knowing these names? Jackie, you said, yes, I remember my favorite teacher. Okay, so who was your favorite teacher, Jackie? Don, you said Miss Epps pulled me to the side and taught me a quick self-defense move to handle a boy bully, and Miss Whitmore tried to get my mom to agree to skip a grade level. Interesting. I like it. How do y'all remember their names though? Because I'm telling you, I don't be remembering their names. And Dejanay, you said your favorite teacher was 11th grade English. Can't remember his name, but he helped me to see that there are angels in real life. Oh, Jackie, you said Miss— Mr. Sutton, 7th grade history teacher. First teacher who helped me understand that it was not a punishment to be smart. And not something that set me apart or above. Oh, I like that. Okay. All right. So it looks like I have, um, someone waiting in to get in for the Q&A. Remember, if you would like to be let into the Q&A room so you can— so people can actually hear your voice, click that link that's pinned in this chat. I will copy and paste it for you. This link right here. Okay, if y'all want to be in the Q&A room, it's up here in the chat, but it's pinned. All right, but I say I have to let somebody in, so one moment please. While I let them in, I'll play some some music. Do do do do do do do. All right, I'm so you are the only participant

in the conference.

Oh, that's not true. I have someone I need to admit into the conference. Okay, so, all right, okay. I don't know why it's playing that music.

All participants are on hold. Okay, all participants are off hold.

I don't know why it's doing that, y'all. Oh, Q&A mode. There we go.

Q&A session has started.

Okay. All right, Tony Ann, if please click the Q&A button for me, please, so that I can let you in and we can chat. Can you hear me? Let's see. Okay. All right, Tony Ann, can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Yay, it works! All right, well, Tony Ann, we have people already in the chat that has been chatting it up so far. How are you today?

I'm doing great. I'm so happy to be with you.

Oh, melt my heart, why don't you? I'm so happy to be with you too. So, so happy. Okay, so our first question to kick things off— like I said, people have already been in the chat chatting it up, so now's your turn to talk about it. Do you remember your favorite teacher and why they stood out?

Yeah, I had a lot of favorite teachers, to be honest, for all kinds of different reasons. But if I think of who was really the one that touched my heart the most, it would be my preschool teacher, Mrs. Clark. And the state— we used to have— she ran her preschool from her home. Mm-hmm. And the one thing— she was so loving and so sweet. And the one thing that really sealed the deal for me, I— my mother had sent me to school with a horrible ear infection. And I was in a lot of pain and I was running quite a fever. And Mrs. Clark was really smart and she knew not to send me home. She just knew that was not the best idea. So instead, she gave me some whatever the baby medicine And put me in her bed, tucked me up, and took care of me all day. And can I tell you that I'm 64 years old, and that is still with me to this day, like what it meant to be so loved and cared for. Yeah, so that's my Mrs. Clark.

Oh man, oh, that is an amazing story. First of all, that's amazing. And like Jackie said, to remember a preschool teacher— oh, I don't remember what I had for breakfast, but a preschool teacher, that's so good. But it's—

I know, right?

Do you think it's because of the impact that it made? for you is why you remember her?

100%. It was because I had never— I don't think— okay, so, you know, I'm not trying to have a pity party here, but I really don't think I ever had experienced something like that in that way before. And I— it was, it was so Like, even just being in her, in her bed, like, in the— under the covers was just so comfy and cozy, and I felt so safe. And yeah, I, I can't even explain it. I can almost remember the feel of the room, like, in my bones.

Okay, so now I have a question because I'm quite I'm sure, you know, a lot of people are probably going to be thinking the same thing. Do you think that that would go over well in today's time?

Interesting. So there's a lot of things that in today's time, you know, you just couldn't do. Like, it, it's just not Smart, or, you know, in some, in some cases legally responsible. There's all kinds of issues. I mean, this was 1960s Jamaica. We're talking about a whole other world. Um, so yes, I think there are a lot of issues that wouldn't allow a preschool teacher to keep a child at home. You know, in her home daycare without notifying the parent, right? Et cetera, et cetera. But there are aspects of it that really would hold over. Like, you know, we can treat our children. I'm sure I was crying and being a bit, you know, I was thick, right? So I'm sure I was. showing the signs of a sick child when I arrived. And I'm sure that we could remember that our little ones aren't sometimes just being difficult, but they're struggling.

Yeah.

Right? And so we can always start with that sort of curiosity about what's going on with you.

Yeah.

And then we can also hold them in the context of their lives. Like, if we can bother to find out as much as we can about what's going on in our young ones' lives, whether they're 3 or 17, right? As much as they'll share with us, and care about that, and put, put what's going on in the context of their lives, and let them know that you're there for them.

Yeah.

You know, that you see them And you see the wider realities of their life, right? And you care about that. Um, I think that is very doable.

I agree, I agree. Well, we have someone else on the line, so let me see what she would like to say. Dina, Dina, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I can. Can you hear me?

Yes.

Okay, so what would you like to say about this, Miss Dina?

Um, I can relate to her story because part of the reason why I remember my first grade teacher— I remember all my teachers, so I feel like every last one of my teachers planted some sort of seed But the one that's the most memorable are my first grade and my fifth grade, because I feel like that's when I was the most impressionable. And by the way that I was raised, my mom was always working. It was like she was my mother. She get— she mothered me while I was in schools. Like, I felt seen. I felt affirmed. Like, she, she like spoke into me things that I didn't get from home. Mm-hmm. But then my 5th grade teacher— excuse me— I remember clearly, like, I was a straight-A student, but I loved to talk. I used to always talk. And so I remember her writing on my report card, she's smart, but she talks too much. She put that on my— but she had a conversation with me and she explained to me the difference, what she saw in me when I was around certain people. And she was explaining how if I changed who I was to try to fit in with the crowd, how that would impact me in my adulthood. And so I started looking at things from a different perspective, and that was as a 5th grader.

Mm-hmm.

And so I feel like I became an independent thinker as, as a young— like, at— in the 5th grade when she planted that seed in me, I started looking at life differently because I was trying to fit in because I didn't fit in at home. So that just changed like the way that I looked at myself and who I engaged with.

I like that. I like it. So, Deanna, now you're going to help me, um, kick off the next question then. Um, well, you guys already told me that question. So this question says, what can today's leaders learn from the kind of presence that your favorite teacher showed? Like, what do you think they can learn from that?

In my opinion, it is a lot of times we— some, some teachers don't have the compassion, or I think they look at the behavior instead of looking at the person and not getting to the root of the behavior. Like, why are they that way and what is it that they're lacking that maybe I can, I can give them if they're— even if they're not getting it at home, what can I give them instead of, you know, yelling at them, sending them to the office, and, you know, just repeating what is probably happening at home? Just really trying to see them. I think that would have a huge impact if a lot of more teachers did that. I know we do have a lot of teachers that do that, but then you have some that they're frustrated because the pay isn't enough or whatever the case may be. And I think if they just look at like, you're shaping, helping shape these kids' lives and the impact that you can have, I think that would change a lot of what's going on. Today.

Okay, all right, thank you for that. Let me move on to Toni-Ann. Toni-Ann, can you hear me?

Same question?

Yes.

So, I really love what Nina said, I just echo all of that. And yeah, I think knowing that your classroom says a lot before anybody even says anything, right? Yep. The space itself says a lot about the safety of the room, who it's there for, who's welcome here, who can be seen here. Is there a space? Is there a cozy, quiet corner where you can sit with a friend and read? Or I don't— yeah, I think just knowing that there's so much more that we teach than the curriculum, right, if you're teaching. And that just the way that you are with each other, your presence, the way you show up, the way you make agreements with your— with the students, with the young ones. How is everybody going to show up in this room? How do we treat each other in this room? How do we— how do we handle disagreements in this room? Mm-hmm. All of those things, I think, are so important. And I think— I don't think it's always the teacher who is at fault for not spending extra time on that, because I think teachers are under so much pressure to teach to test. I think the whole system needs a bit of a Well, not a bit, probably a very big reshuffle to reprioritize, right, um, what we're really teaching, yeah, um, these young humans, right?

Yeah, I totally agree. And to your point about not just the teachers, so as you know, I am a substitute for the county that I live in. And one of the schools that I was at, which, oh, it's so much to talk about with the schools and, you know, what we can do differently. But one of the schools I was in, I had a planning period, so I took my attendance sheet to the office. There were 2 women in the office. I went to one woman's little window to give her my attendance sheet. Without even looking at me, she says to the other woman, take that from her. And it was— it was— I don't even know the word for what I want to say about that. Okay. But what I will say is, if that woman was that dismissive towards me, Mm-hmm. an adult who was there to help her How is that showing up for the children? What is she doing or not doing for the students? What is her demeanor like? It was, it was heartbreaking. Like I said, that was just very interesting. But it says the way you make agree— Jackie said the way you make agreements, write that down. Okay, I like it. But yeah, all adults who are interacting with students, they have this influence, whether they're directly interacting with them or indirectly interacting with them, but they are influencing them. Because another school that I was in, It was just like the morale of the students were very low. And then even in looking, I could tell the morale of the adults were also very low. Yeah. So do you have any, any experience with that, Toni-Ann?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Schools are very stressful places. Everybody is in, you know, under a lot of pressure.

Mm-hmm.

Nobody escapes. And at the end of the day, that just serves no one well. Mm-hmm.

Right?

Because everybody's in that pressure cooker. And, um, every— you know, you'll get some very aware young people, and you will get some very aware adults in those systems, and they'll find each other, and they will work so hard to do the best they can within those spaces. Mm-hmm. Takes a lot of energy and effort. So yeah, but I think it can be done. It's not going to change the whole system because that's going to require Exactly that. It'll require system change. But within the system, you know, you can have impact in the— yeah, in the circle that you have connection with and influence over. I mean, I think so. I think that do what you can where you can.

Yes, I totally agree with that. And then if you are just joining us and you would like to join the conversation live, please click the pinned link in the comments section. Okay. All right, Dina, are you still there? I don't know if she could— I don't know if Dina could hear me.

Yes, I'm here. I was on mute.

Okay. All right, so now your— did you, did you answer this question? I can't remember.

What does— which, which question?

What can teachers do?

I think I did. I think I was the first one.

Yeah, you were the first one to answer that. All right, cool, cool, cool. All right, no worries because I have another question. Um, so how would you want students, your team, your children to remember you?

I would want them to remember that

I love that. I love that because to be remembered, especially like, you know, all of you have remembered your teachers. So to rem— for someone to remember you like that because of what you've done, it reminds me of one of my favorite poets, Maya Angelou. She said, people may forget what you've done, they may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And My whole goal and motto in life is to make sure that when people feel something from me, that it is something that is going to impact their lives in a way that will push them forward in a growth, growth way. So I always— that's always my goal every time I step in a room. I filter what I do and say through the lens of how do I want to be remembered today. So very, very good for that. Um, Toni-Ann, what about you?

Yeah, I really hope that Worked with, or that— or my own children that I raised. I just hope that they all remember me for— again, sort of what you said there, Tamika, you know, not really remember me, me for this, but remember that together, like, they felt when they were around me. Mm-hmm. They felt seen, they felt loved, and they knew that they weren't alone, that there was somebody out here that they could call on, that they could come to, that I would never turn my back on them. And I would never— like, to this day, I don't care where I am, I don't care who I'm with, If my child calls me, my adult child calls me, I'm taking that call. Yeah, you know?

Yeah, that's good because I know for myself, I grew up without a safe adult that I could call on.

Yeah.

And I grew up, you know, in order to protect myself. I grew up with behaviors that kind of caused isolation. I kept to myself. I didn't really want to tell people I needed help because I felt like, well, maybe if I did tell somebody I needed help, then I would be vulnerable to whatever they spewed at me. And it just caused a lot of problems for me. And so even working with children, I see a lot of students that are just very defensive. Yeah. And it makes me sad because I'm like, an adult had to model some sort of unsafety for a child to be defensive. And, and it's sad. And, and the unfortunate part is, you know, Whitney Houston said it best, I believe the children are our future. Like, literally, they are. They're our future. However, I— it— to me, it looks like adults don't take enough stock in developing our future leaders.

It's true. Hey, Tameka, can I say something about the defensiveness? Yes. Just to kind of echo that and to say that I think that's one of the things that I have worked on really hard. I'm still not, you know, not like everyone else out there. You know, we're all still working projects. Becoming. But one of the things I work really hard is to not take things personally and to be able to not be defensive when somebody's coming at me with whatever they've got, right? To kind of try and hear beyond the presentation, if you like.

Mm-hmm.

To sort of hear beyond that and to see, well, what's, what's the unspoken piece of this? What if it's coming at me in anger or it's coming at me in some negative way? Like, what's the unspoken part of this?

Hmm.

And how can I hear that? How can I reach for that? And, you know, that's about connection, right? And you can't connect if you're defensive. You can't connect if you're not willing to be vulnerable, willing to hear some truth, willing to— yeah.

Oh, man, that's so good. You know, I would say one of my favorite C words is connection. And it's because it is the difference between What's going on today in the world versus building community.

Mm-hmm.

We can't build a community without connection. And unfortunately, our society, our world is showing the huge signs of us not connecting enough. We don't have enough conversations with each other. We don't value each other. Um, just so much being desensitized to violence, um, propaganda, you know, just— it is very, very sad.

Yeah.

That the more we advance in technology, the more we seem to decrease in human social connections.

We have to be intentional.

Yes, my friends, they know that's my favorite word, being intentional. Because, you know, I hear a lot of people say, oh, well, you know, if we're gonna be friends, then it's just gonna have to Happen. And it's like, okay, so let me walk you through what you just said, right? Okay, your job. How did you get your job? Did it just happen, or did you apply? Did you go on an interview? Were you intentional about getting a job, right? And so I feel that a lot of people, when they don't want to be accountable to building relationships, they will use the, oh well, you know, it'll just happen. But nothing but destruction just happens by— without intention, you know. So, um, but Jackie, you said something really good. You said asking for help makes you a target. 8-year-old me, that is So, oh, I understand that. And then connection and community. Absolutely. That is 100% the way that we need to be leaning in order to progress as a society. We have to learn how to connect. We have to learn how to build community. So as we are wrapping this up, I'm going to ask both Deanna and Toni-Ann to answer my final question for me. If you were to leave one piece of advice for leaders of children, what would it be? And since you're on now, Toni-Ann. It's, you know, you have the floor. One piece of advice you would leave to leaders of children.

So, so many C words, and the one that I'm thinking of right now is collaboration. That, you know, we're To me, in my— the way I think about things, not saying it's right or wrong, just the way I see it, is we're here to journey together, right? So, you know, if we can just remember that if we're talking about teaching, teaching is a collaboration of minds. To me, it's not all about, you know, a one-way delivery of wisdom or knowledge from the teacher to the child. It's an exchange, and it's 2 minds or multiple minds working together in collaboration to discover new things, right? And so if we can remember that and remember that As a parent, it's a collaboration. It's about— for me, it's about finding ways to get through this together. And as long as I can try and bring myself back to that, that sort of naturally brings me back to realizing the importance of connection and the importance of— Meeting each other where we are and going from there. And yeah, taking, taking responsibility and owning the promise to show up and be there, which, you know.

I love that. That's another one of my favorite C words— collaboration.

Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, thanks so much for sharing that. All right, Deanna, same question.

I would say compassion, flexibility, and awareness. And what I mean by that is a lot of times every student learns differently. You know, you have auditory learners, visual learners, and sometimes it's like we as humans can be so rigid in the way that we do things. We think that there's one way, and I think if we remain flexible and curious and compassionate and just say, okay, what do I need to Maybe adapt the way that I'm doing something in order to get through. If someone is not getting it, instead of giving up on them and just labeling them as, you know, someone that needs to be in a— have a learning disability, just really understanding. Because I think a lot of kids get mislabeled because of their learning styles.

Yeah.

Because we want to force our— the way we learn is how we teach, and sometimes we think that that's going to reach the masses, and it doesn't always.

Yeah, that's so good. Oh yeah, so good. Thanks so much for sharing that, because it's, you know, like, to the point of what you're saying about children being labeled. I was one of the children that was labeled when I was a child, and I thought something was wrong with me. I really did, because of the way the adults were just kind of, oh, she's not getting it, she don't learn, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, um, one of the guardians took me to— now I know it's a psychologist— because they were trying to figure out what was going on with me. And I heard him saying like, who told you something was wrong with her? This girl has the IQ of a genius. She's probably bored. And so it was just that I did not learn the way they were trying to teach me because they were impatient and they were, you do this and you— so I literally shut down. I wasn't listening to them. So a lot of times when I hear parents or teachers or things that say a child isn't listening, I ask more questions because I'm just like, Are they not listening, or were you not present enough to see what it is that they needed? Right. And so that's one of the reasons why I wanted to have this conversation, is because when children aren't listening, we don't need to talk louder. We need to ask more questions. We need to lean in and be more present. Present. So I just want to thank everyone who was in the chat, everybody who called in. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today, and I'm I'm looking forward to hosting some lives on Saturdays at three thirty to talk about things relating to children and students. So if you would like to join me, please stay tuned for the next time that we do this. You guys have a great remainder of your day, and.