Unpopular opinion: Avoiding conflict is ruining your relationships. Here’s why.

All right, let's start some— which music that I said I liked last time? I think classical. Start with classical. Uh, I don't think that was it. Let's see, hip-hop. Hey, Nina, how are you? Make sure you share with your friends. And of course, we're gonna start with, um, a nice little, uh, activity while people are coming in the room. So today's, um, activity is— let me see what I want to do today. I wanted to do hot takes today. So literally drop in the chat agree or disagree. And because of our topic today Our hot take is going to be about conflict. So agree or disagree with the following statements. The first one, avoiding conflict is always better than dealing with drama. Agree or disagree? Very interesting to hear what you agree and disagree with. So again, the first statement is avoiding conflict is always better than dealing with drama. Agree or disagree? Drop it in the chat whether you agree or disagree with that statement. And then I'll share my thoughts about that statement. Off here while we are doing this. Avoiding conflict is better than dealing with drama. Agree or disagree? I disagree, but I choose not to engage if I feel uneasy. Oh, I like that response. Great response, Dina. Great response. All right, I got another one for you. The next statement is You can love someone and still need to argue with them sometimes. Agree or disagree? So you can love someone and still need to argue with them sometimes. Agree or disagree? You can love them and still have to argue. Agree or disagree? What do we say about that? Loving somebody and still needing to argue with them sometimes. Oh, that reminds me when I was married. I remember a time I was married and I asked my now ex-husband I said, um, why everything got to be an argument? And I remember what he said. He was like, well, you know, this was after everything had calmed down and stuff. He was like, well, I feel like you can't really tell unless you argue with them. I was like— so this leads to Uh, the answer— my answer to this question. My answer to this question is I disagree. You do not have to argue with somebody, um, in order to, to show, you know, that you love them. Because when we have effective communication skills, we don't have to argue with people, right? It's a discussion. There's no need for arguing. All right, and the last statement Is do you agree or disagree? Conflict in a relationship is actually healthy. Agree or disagree, Dina? You laughing at you laughing at what I said about my ex-husband? Yeah, that was something, honey. It was something, you know, arguing to prove your love. It reminds me of what's the name of that movie? Was it, uh, was it What's Love Got to Do with It? No, it was The Temptations when that guy was like, every night I got to fight to prove my love. What you doing with my woman? But no, you don't. Um, and you agree. Okay, so yes, that last statement was actually true. Conflict is healthy. So today we're going to actually talk about that and why avoiding conflict is ruining relationships. It's actually— it's not even just ruining relationships that are already established, it's ruining people from even trying to initiate relationships. So we're gonna get into that. And yes, Dina, you— we need conflict in order to grow. So let's talk about— let's talk about that today. Um, as we're getting started here, I just want to say that I am not a a therapist nor a psychologist. I am a peer mental health professional, right, sharing from my level of experience and awareness. All right, and if you just joined me, make sure if you have not done so, you see that QR code right there, scan it, take the It Factor quiz, because I would love to know your It factor for my upcoming book, You're It, and I'm super excited about it. All right, so let's get started into these questions. The first question is, why do so many people fear conflict, and how does that fear lead to resentment or distance in relationships? So I know that for myself Being born into a family where dysfunction kind of reigned and ruled in the household, conflict was something that was seen as a bad thing, mostly because of how the people responded to conflict. No one had the tools and the, the proper skills to actually deal with conflict in a healthy way. So I saw conflict as a negative thing. Conflict was something to be avoided at all costs. I was not trying to hear it. I was not trying to feel it. I was not trying to be involved in it, right? Because of, you know, the things that would happen. I remember when I was younger, my, uh, my family members, the adults, would get together and they get to drinking and smoking and playing cards and stuff like that. And we are automatically knew it was about to be some drama at the end of the night. And it was mostly because of this, you know, not knowing how to deal with conflict in a healthy way. So people kind of repress their need to resolve conflict. And then when you repress things, this leads to resentment and distance because we do 2 things as humans. When we have interactions with other people, we're going to either approach them and lean in further, or we're going to distance ourselves and avoid them. So those 2 things usually happens in relationships. And when we don't have the tools to deal with conflict in a healthy way, we avoid, we resent, we distance ourselves versus actually having a conversation. And talking about how to really communicate what we need in a relationship. Okay, the next question: What are the signs that avoiding conflict is silently damaging your relationship? Ooh, ooh, me! Okay, so some of the signs are— well, let me just say this: before I learned how to effectively communicate my feelings, I would repress them, you know, because of the fear of conflict. Uh, I was afraid that people wouldn't want me if I expressed what I needed, um, because in my family I wasn't allowed to need anything. And so ways and signs that uh, avoiding conflict is damaging your relationship is, first of all, resentment. Like, you will resent somebody. You'll literally be looking at them like, you know what they say, boy, I like to throw some hot grease on you. Like, literally seething and resenting someone, that's a number one sign that you have some unresolved conflict that you need to resolve. Passive-aggressive behavior, throwing shade. You know, people who get on social media and they post things about somebody else hoping that that person would see it. Stuff like that. Um, when you start speaking in circles— like, when I have conversations with people, I, I like to keep it being present, me and that person. I don't say, yeah, you know, if some people did X, Y, and Z, when I know that I have an issue I'll say it directly, like, hey, I got a real hard conversation, um, and I want to address this with you. Somebody's saying they can't see my live on my Facebook page— page— or YouTube. I'm trying to say that YouTube— sorry, they're saying they can't see the live. Okay, so hopefully they, they can see that Um, hold on, my Facebook page. I don't know why this is not showing up like that, or YouTube. So the thing is, is like when you having those silently seething moments, that's a sign that you're avoiding conflict and it's damaging your relationship because people can feel that. They may not say nothing. But they feel it. I know I felt every time someone was, you know, feeling a way about me, I felt it. And that actually kills intimacy in relationships because especially if you don't know how to actually, uh, deal with that, you're not gonna face it head on. So now you're— remember, as humans, we either approach or avoid. So now you're gonna avoid, avoid, avoid at all costs. All right. So now the next question is, how can suppressed feelings from avoiding conflict manifest in unhealthy ways like passive aggressiveness or emotional outbursts? Remember, I just talked about passive aggressiveness, but, um, that's a way that suppressing your feelings and avoiding conflict shows up in an unhealthy way— passive aggressiveness. Then sometimes what happens is, I remember when I used to just Take so much. And because I was people pleasing, I would take so much and take so much and take so much from people, and then I would just explode on them. I'm talking about, child, ain't nobody cussed you out like I could cuss you out, okay? Oh, thank God for deliverance. Because I didn't know how to handle, uh, conflict resolution, right? So I would silently seethe and seethe and seethe, resent, resent, resent. People please, people please, people please. And then when I felt like, oh man, they still not reading my mind, because remember, I haven't had this conversation with them, I'm expecting them to read my mind. Now I'm exploding. You, why you do this? And I'm always— not a good deal, not a good deal. Okay, Dina, you says, but what if you've tried that with an individual and the person is always deflecting, guilt-tripping, or feeling entitled? Oh, this is a good Good question, because here's the thing. So another thing that I also realize is that in conflict resolution, there are some type of people that you cannot resolve conflict with. People who are extremely emotionally immature, no matter what you're doing in your personal life and how much growth you have going on in your personal life, You will not be able to resolve conflict with them. They're— they just don't have the capacity to show up in a way where you can resolve the conflict, right? Because of stuff like this, they'll deflect, guilt trip, feel entitled, all of the things. So with that, with that type of person, I would just shut it down immediately and say, hey, this isn't going anywhere. And, um, until we can have a conversation about it where there's not, you know, call it out. There's not deflection and guilt-tripping and blah blah blah, whatever it is that they're doing, the behaviors that they're displaying. We can't have this conversation. So that's usually what I would do, as you know, when— if that situation is happening. All right, my cousin, you finally made it! Great. So, so yeah, that's what I would do. And that was a great question too, because that happens as well too. All right, what's our next question here? Okay, so what are the long-term effects of avoiding tough conversations with your partner, family, and friends? I love this question. Let me tell y'all why. Because I've been saying this, like, with friends of mine. I'm just like, a lot of people are dealing with, like, health issues, and they don't know that it's probably them repressing some emotions. them not resolving conflict, them holding grudges. I know people that I'm related to that are holding grudges that have been something that happened for decades. I'm talking about holding them tight, ain't letting them go, refusing to have a conversation with somebody. And so what's happening is it's showing up, you know, like I'm a wordsmith. So breaking down the word disease, that's dis-ease, right? Anytime you are repressing emotions, this— first of all, we were never meant or made to hold on to that. That's one of the reasons why the Bible often talks about, you know, not being offended, uh, letting stuff go, going to your brother. The Bible is very, very clear about that. And the reason being is because we were not designed to hold that. And the whole phrase about God won't give you more than you could bear. That's not in the Bible. I don't know why people say that, and it's not true. It's not biblically sound, mostly because we're not supposed to be holding it. The Bible is very clear: bear each other's burdens. So what is God telling us? He's telling us to be in relationship with each other so that we can help hold burdens, right? And the ones that we cannot give them to him. This is why the, uh, the scripture says, cast your cares on me, for I care for you. So we need to stop saying stuff that's not true. God won't give you more than you could bear— not true. He never said that. Never said it, because we're not supposed to be holding it anyway. So the long-term effect, in short, of avoiding tough conversations is diseases, sickness, all kinds of stuff in your body, because the body keeps score. If you are repressing things, repress— repressed emotions turn into depression. I know, been there. And I realized that anytime I'm repressing something, my asthma flares up very, very badly. And so I think it's awesome how God shows what happens when we're not operating in the way that he designed us. It's very fascinating. It really, really and truly is. Okay, so we gotta start to let stuff go, y'all, like for real, or else we gonna continue to be sick. All right. How do societal norms or personal upbringing contribute to conflict avoidance and how to unlearn these patterns? It's so good because like I was just saying, I grew up in an environment— in my family, they didn't resolve conflict in a healthy manner. I understand it because the generation before them didn't teach them how to do it, and vice versa, you know, like so on and so forth. If you've never been taught to do it, you can't do it. So what I always tell people is how to unlearn these patterns. You have to start learning how to get in community with people who do not do stuff like this. Like, it wasn't until I totally separated myself from my family for a while that I had to unlearn the unhealthy patterns that I learned from my family. Now, a lot of my family didn't like the fact that I, I separated myself. However, if I didn't, the Tameka you see today, you would not see today, right? Because I had to surround myself with people who knew how to do things that my family of origin could not teach me how to do. They could not teach me how to help have healthy conflict resolution skills because they didn't have any. Anytime there was conflict in my family, it always resulted to violence. The police was called. I knew I didn't want that for my children, so I had to separate myself and my children and get around people where they sat and had conversations with each other. It was foreign to me to do that. Until I got myself around people who did it, and that's what I would tell anybody. You cannot keep yourself isolated in this bubble and think that you're going to unlearn unhealthy patterns that you know. You have to actually get yourself in community with people who are practicing healthy habits that you want to learn, right? Okay, all right. So the next. Question we have is, how can embracing conflict create deeper emotional intimacy and trust in relationships? The only way we're going to deepen relationships, emotional intimacy, and trust is to practice healthy conflict resolution, because conflict is inevitable. Anytime we are allowed to show up as ourselves, our authentic selves in relationships, we're going to have conflict because I don't think the way you do, you don't think the way I do, and that's okay that we don't. But we, we have to be able to come together and say, hey, I disagree with that because— without saying you stupid, you dumb, why you think that way, or making somebody wrong or bad. for not thinking the way we think. That is what it looks like to have healthy conflict resolution, healthy being an individual and coming together and to have, you know, a friendship, relationship, whatever, right? So we have to be able to do that because I tell people all the time that are in my inner circle, if we cannot have Emotional intimacy, I will never be able to trust you. So what is emotional intimacy? That means that you can handle my good, my bad, and my ugly. I don't have to always be like, oh girl, how you feeling? Blessed and highly favored. No, that is not okay. First of all, blessed and highly favored is not a feeling. If I ask you, how are you feeling? You should be able to, you know, say Oh, you know, I feel kind of angry right now. And me as your friend, or whoever it is that I am in, in our relationship, I should be able to hold space for you and whatever it is that you're feeling. That is deep emotional intimacy. Not a lot of people can do it because they don't do it for themselves first. It always starts with, like Michael Jackson says, the man in the mirror. So you got to look in the mirror first. You have to do it for yourself first. first. You have to create this space. You have to deepen your— what I call your love container. And you have to be able to say, this is what I'm feeling right now. It's okay to feel this feeling. It is not okay to take it out on somebody, but it is okay to feel it, right? So being able to feel all of the feelings that you feel is the only way that you can deepen emotional intimacy and trust in your relationships. The next question is, what are some practical ways to approach tough conversations with love and respect, even if it feels uncomfortable? So I've created this, uh, acronym because I'm a writer, that's what I do. I created this acronym for tough conversations and it's TALKS, T-A-L-K-S. The T stands for start with the truth. A lot of the issues we have is because we won't tell the truth. Okay, if somebody did something that you know you do not like, tell the truth about it. Okay, now don't say you made me feel, because can't nobody make you feel anything, right? You can use I statements. I felt whatever it is that you felt when you did whatever it is they did. Right? So starting with the truth is the T. A, ask questions. Then ask questions. Say, hey, when when you did X, Y, and Z, this is how I felt. What were you trying to accomplish when you did that thing? Right? And just keep asking questions because the L stands for listen intently. A lot of us don't listen. We be so enraged. That we just be like, oh, you know, you just want to just fire away and talk and say all these things and nobody's listening. You cannot resolve conflict if you going off on people. Trust me, I know. I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to say, hey, you know, when that happened, this is how I felt. So then the, uh, the T is start with the truth. A, ask questions. L, listen intently. The K is promote kindness. Don't say something to somebody about somebody that you won't want to say to have been said about you. Don't call people stupid. Don't call people out their names. Don't be sharp-toned with them if you know that you would not appreciate that. So promote kindness and saying, hey, if I know that I would not like this, I am not going to respond that way, right? And then the, the S stands for swapping stories. So this is one of my favorite things because after I come to you and I tell you, hey, when you did X, Y, and Z, this hurt my feelings, and I'm listening to you while I'm asking questions, now I'm going to share with you, hey, uh, let me share with you why I feel this way about X, Y, and Z thing. And then that other person can also share and say, oh, well, you know, I never thought about it that way. Like I always talk about, you know, when I have conversations with my children and even my grandson and swapping stories is always the last part because I want to know, how did you feel about this? What was going through your mind? Well, this is what happened to me too. And this is one of the— my most favorite ways of having hard conversations because usually at the end, because I'm so silly, we end up laughing about something. So remember the TOCS method. And if you want that, um, TOCS method, you're gonna have to get the book because it's in the book, my friends. All right, the next question is, how can embracing conflict— wait, I did that one already. My bad, my bad. Okay, this, this question, uh, what are the benefits of learning healthy conflict resolution skills for personal growth and relational harmony? So conflict resolution is like the GOAT in relational skills because when you can have a healthy disagreement with someone you have developed yourself even more so as a person. People want to be around you more. You become more influential. So this just works. Like, being able to be disagreeable— being able to disagree without being disagreeable is like the best thing that you could ever do in, uh, building relationships. And how can being honest about your feelings during a conflict help you feel more seen and valued in your relationship. Okay, so remember, this also goes back to some people, because of their emotional immaturity, will never value you. Let me just say that some people will never be able to see you. Okay, so I want to make sure that we are managing expectations here. Not everybody is going to value you. Not everybody's going to see you. Not everybody is going to resolve conflict. Not everybody going to do it. This is where discernment comes in play. You have to be able to discern whether a person is emotionally mature enough to allow the space, because we need space and grace in order to be honest about our feelings during conflict so that we're seen and valued. But once it happened, it's a beautiful thing. Right? Because even like, like I always go back to what the Bible says about it, right? The Bible even says, "Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst." Like God wants us to come together. He wants us to come together and say, "Hey, you know, I didn't agree with that. This is how I felt when this happened. I know this may be something that I'm triggered by." Due to my past, this is what happens. Okay. And then the other person being able to say, okay, tell me more about that. All right, I didn't mean it that way. How can I do things better? Right? This way you are able to show up more, be seen, because that's what we have a desire to do and be as people, is to be seen and valued. But it has to be by someone who is safe enough to do that. And emotional maturity provides safety. Okay, emotional maturity provides safety enough in a relationship where you can be seen and valued. And the final question is, what are the first steps to building confidence in navigating conflicts without fear of losing the relationships? So one of the things we can't control— we cannot control the outcome of someone else. If someone does not want to be in relationship with you, you cannot control that, right? This is how people pleasing happens. This is how unhealthy coping patterns happen. We start lying, not showing up authentically because we're afraid to lose the relationship, when we should start asking ourselves, if I cannot show up as myself Is this a relationship that I really want? Right? So that should be the question. If I can't show up as my authentic self, is this a relationship that I want? And I remember when I first started, like practicing how to show up authentically in relationships without being afraid. You know because abandonment was a wound that. I struggled with for many, many years of my life. So struggling with the abandonment wound, I was like, oh man, I think I'm too much, so maybe I'll just tone it down a little bit. Maybe I'm not going to tell them exactly what I need from them in a relationship because what if they walk away from me, you know? So, but this created all the passive aggressiveness. This created me holding in stuff, repressing feelings, then blowing up at people. And it just created a whole host of just Badness, right? And when I began to learn who I was by, you know, going to God and saying, okay, God, show me who I am so that I'm not afraid to be who I am, and no matter what happens, I'll be okay with it. I remember reading Isaiah 41:10 where it says, fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed. Um, I will strengthen you. I am your God. I will help you. I will uphold you. And I remember that verse just really gave me all of the strength that I need. This is why I say, like, I don't— you know, I understand when people say, oh, I don't believe the Bible. The Bible is just an amazing, amazing book that holds us up, right? People who, who don't like it, I know it's because Someone misrepresented it. But just reading that scripture really helped me to build confidence to say, okay, all right, God, you've showed me who I was. Now show me how to stand firm in it enough to be okay if somebody walks away. And so that's all I got, my friends. That's all I got for you. Again, if you have not taken the quiz, please take the It Factor quiz. I would love to know your it factor personality style. And, um, if you would like any more information about this or any of these questions, drop a comment below on Facebook on this, or YouTube, whichever one you're on, and I will send them to you. And I'll see y'all Monday for the next live, but have a great remainder of your weekend. Thanks so much for joining me, and