In this self‑help video, Fun Coach Tameka (Tameka Anderson) explores why many people—especially women—struggle to trust others, linking the issue to the "mother wound" and other trauma responses. She shares personal stories, including her estrangement and recent reconnection with her biological mother, and a painful college friendship that revealed a transactional pattern. Tameka introduces the concept of a "fruit inspector"—discernment that inspects rather than suspects—to help viewers evaluate relationships. She emphasizes deep self‑reflection (the mirror vs. magnifying glass metaphor) as a path to authenticity, which in turn makes it easier to spot fake people. The video critiques hyper‑independence as a trauma‑driven coping mechanism that isolates individuals and prevents community building. Spiritual practices, such as solitude in God’s presence, are presented as tools for cultivating authenticity and attracting genuine support. Tameka offers practical steps: journaling prompts, becoming a fruit inspector, attending a free healing event, and subscribing for more content. A short clip with B. Simone and Dr. Cheyenne Bryant illustrates how unresolved mother‑related trauma manifests in people‑pleasing and self‑criticism. The overall message is that healing requires recognizing past wounds, practicing discernment, embracing authentic self‑knowledge, and intentionally seeking safe, supportive communities.
Chapters
When you have, you do not trust people, especially women. I can't believe I used to listen to that foolishness. PTSD. Hey y'all, Fun Coach Tameka here. Today we're going to discuss why you keep choosing untrustworthy people, what you need to stop doing immediately for healthier relationships, and how to identify safe, supportive people who won't betray you. Stick around to the end and I'll share how to speed up your healing process while eliminating loneliness. Okay y'all, since the last time I posted, I've actually reconnected with my biological mother. If you're new here, you can check out my videos about my estrangement journey, and I'll also create a video series about boundaries around the relationship, so stay tuned for that. Today I want to talk about trust and betrayal. I initially estranged myself from my biological mom because I felt wounded deeply and betrayed. I have what is considered a mother wound. I didn't know how to navigate those feelings until I learned what I'm going to share with you today, which expedited my healing process and led to my reconnecting with her. If you've been emotionally wounded by family, specifically parents, it's difficult to heal the wound because society— if you feel anything other than utter idolatry for your parents, then you're shamed and guilted into feeling like something is wrong with you. Insert the deepest, longest eye roll here if You can't express openly, like, your true feelings about what happened with your family, particularly your mom. How can you heal? You can't. This is why I began to share my story. Iyanla says our pain needs a witness, and so does our healing. When you have the mother wound, you do not trust people, especially women. You will experience deep betrayals in friendships because You don't know how to choose safe women. I believe it's because we're so comfortable with betrayal. We know how to navigate betrayal because our first experience was with the woman that we all sat under her heart for months. You can't sit that close to a wounded heart and come out unscathed. So facing that level of betrayal, everything in life becomes harder, especially being in community with other people. Galatians 6:2 says, bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. Which leads me to my first point and question. Why did they betray me? I remember when I was young and dumb, I had this friend. We were attending college together. I considered her my best friend. I was people pleasing to the max. I would do all sorts of things for her, buy her things, watch her kids, go places she wanted to go, even though I didn't want to go there because I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to think that I was a good person. Anytime she did something, I didn't really confront her. With it because she didn't like confrontation. So I would just silently seethe. And I remember I moved from Chicago to Atlanta, and me and her had become distant prior to the move. But shortly after I got here, I received a letter from her, and I was super excited. I was like, oh, well, maybe she wasn't reaching out to me and answering my calls because she was writing me a letter. And I'm thinking it's a good thing. Look, it was a 10-page letter. Get to reading it, come to find out she tells me all the ways and reasons why she hated being my friend, y'all. I felt so sad because I couldn't understand how she could say these things about me. I was needy, I made stupid choices, all the things that she was saying about me. Come to find out, she didn't really like me as a person. She was just using me for what I was doing for her. And I chose her because she felt familiar. My family relationships were very transactional. Hey, what are you gonna do for me? So I was familiar with transactional relationships, and that's what I chose. This is why it's important to become what my pastor loves to say, a fruit inspector. I believe God has given each one of us a very specific gift, and that is discernment. This one gift alone helps us minimize heart wounds if we use it properly. A lot of people say they have discernment when what they really have is suspicion. So what's the difference? Discernment is more about inspecting the fruit, whereas suspicion is more about suspecting the fruit. When you inspect, you are carefully looking over all aspects versus suspect. You've already made and believe something to be guilty, and you're just looking for further proof and evidence of that. Then you view everything and everyone through the lens of either suspect or an inspection. So in order to become a fruit inspector, you must do one very important thing. This leads to my next question and point. How do I find people I can trust? Pick up the mirror, put down the magnifying glass. When you look in the mirror, you're forced to see yourself. Everything is there. The good, the bad, the ugly, all in between. The only way to become a fruit inspector is to take a really good look at yourself longer than you look at others. This way you put the responsibility and focus on you inspecting who you are and how you're showing up. The reason why this is important is because when you become someone who is truly authentic, you can spot fake and authenticity a mile away. Just like the people who work in the office where they're around authentic money all day, they can spot a fake counterfeit bill immediately. Why? Because they spend so much time around authentic bills that they can spot something that is not authentic. This is one of the reasons why I love spending time in silence solitude in the presence of God because he is authentic. He is who he is. So therefore, when you spend more time in his presence and he shows you who you are, it's very, very easy to spot other authentic people as well. When you become authentic, you do not attract predators. Why? Because they know they can't run game on you. Which leads me to my final question and point. Why can't I allow myself to let others show up for me? Not choosing untrustworthy people becomes harder due to this final point. Hyper-independence is death. 2007, an artist dropped a song that became like, I guess back then you would consider it a hot girl anthem. I-N-D-E-P-E-E-N-D-E-N-T. Do you know what that means? She got her own house. She got her own car. 2 jobs, work hard. She a bad broad. I can't believe I used to listen to that foolishness and think that that was Like the best thing ever. You know, now I know that I e wait wait wait what is it I n d e p e n d e n t do you know what that means d e p r e s s i o n that's literally what it leads to hyper independence leads to isolation it leads to everything that is the opposite of community. And being in relationship with people, mostly because pride makes us think that we're weak if we ask for help. And I understand it because when you cannot depend on your family, your first line of defense, if you will, you, you lean on hyper-independence as a means to save yourselves and others. But hyper-independence is not a flex. It's a trauma response. I saw this clip of B. Simone And Dr. Cheyenne Bryant. Check it out.
My dad raised me.
How come you couldn't save your mom?
Like, my closest female friends, they have great relationships with their mothers. That's not my reality. I'm never going to travel the world with my mom. My mom would probably, like—
Sit in that. Mm-mm. Don't avoid. Sit in that. That's the reality. That has you deflect and avoid through comedy, that has you deflect and avoid through people pleasing, that has you deflect and avoid through being a savior to everyone else. And no matter how successful you become, no matter how amazing you become, you ain't good enough because it doesn't fit that box.
The idea that I have of what a mom should look like is not my reality of who my mom is.
And as a result of that, This little girl has never been saved.
Did you notice when she asked the question, how come you couldn't save your mom? And I realized that most of my behaviors were trying to save or fix my mom in a way due to what trauma did to us. I call trauma the hospice for the soul because it's where our souls go to die. Trauma wounds the mind, body, and soul. However, most people don't deal with it in its entirety. It attacks our belief system and leaves our souls wounded. It's sneaky. Most people are dancing with trauma every single day and don't even realize it. Your favorite movie, TV show, gossip blog, and person could be traumatizing you without your consent because coming face to face with any type of evil is trauma. Trauma lies and leads you to believe you cannot trust Anyone, because the first person you should have been able to trust was not safe to trust. However, trauma does not warn you that because we're wired for connection, when you isolate, you're becoming vulnerable to emotional predators and cutting yourself off to the lifeline of healing. Bonus! You want to learn how to identify safe and supportive people who won't betray you? So my motto is healing happens faster in safe communities. Over the past couple weeks, I've had 2 instances where my community has shown up for me in a way that helped me heal faster. The first situation happened— I was actually having an anxiety attack. My daughter grabbed my hand, gave me a hug. Then a friend of mine saw me, hugged me deeply, and then another friend hugged me. By the time I had that 3rd hug, the symptoms totally disappeared as if they never happened. The second instance happened when I was Stressing out over making a major decision, I just couldn't think. So I called two of my inner circle people and I said, "Hey, I need you to help me think differently. I don't need you to solve the problem for me." Within twelve hours after talking to them, the problem was resolved. Moral of the story: healing happens faster in safe community. However, the caveat is you must be humble enough to reach out and ask for help. Journal prompt of the day: Think of a past experience. Experience where your trust was broken. What steps could you take to rebuild trust within yourself so that you can recognize trust in others? In the next video, I'll show you how to eliminate insomnia. But for now, if you like to attend a free Healing Happens in Safe Communities event, click the link in the description. Be sure to hit like, share, and subscribe. Hope this was helpful. See you next time.
