When people disagree, look beneath their stated positions to find the priorities driving them. If you find overlapping priorities, name what each side gains and loses. This explicit trade-off framing builds understanding even when values differ.
How do we establish common ground about what matters? Well, a lot of times we argue a position against position. Now, I know that's not new, but ultimately what's sitting under that position is the priorities that are driving that. A lot of times we think that's values, but that's a problem if the values aren't the same. But when you can find something that both of you agree matters for this particular situation, then you've established a shared priority. That priority allows 2 people to make the same choice no matter what their underlying positions or values might be. Is that enough? Sometimes. But making sure that it matters close to equally to both of you is why we need to state a cost. After all, something is worth what you're willing to give up for it. So when we're trying to find common ground, we need that priority with a stated cost that both of you agree on. How do you get there? The first thing is look under your position and figure out what of your priorities are being contained in that position, and then put them out on the table and ask the other person to do the same. Hopefully there's an overlap, but if there's not, then you can have a conversation about what matters here to both of you for this particular idea, this particular situation. Once you've found that, then we have to add the stated cost. Personally, I recommend what's gained and what's lost. That can be what you're willing to trade-off? What are you willing to give? What are you not? So that you both understand what's at stake with the priority and why it matters in a way that both of you can feel and value, both literally and metaphorically. Not only does a priority with a stated cost allow you to find common ground with someone who sees the world differently than you do, and thus gives your idea a better chance to take hold, it also adds nuance to your positions, both the other person's and yours. You get a deeper understanding of why you believe what you believe, but you also get a deeper understanding of why they believe what they believe. And that just might add a little bit more understanding and a little bit more empathy to all the exchanges going forward.
