In this first‑person diary entry, Tony Stark Policci sits amid his wife's discarded clothing, a tangible reminder of her absence and illness. He recounts a day of high productivity that feels hollow, describing a cascade of emotions—sadness, anger, shame, fear—and a pervasive belief that his actions and her abandonment "don't matter." He then counters this nihilism, affirming that every action and choice holds significance. Policci reflects on the limits of preparation for life's inevitable hardships, suggesting that despite training and supplies, true crises catch us unready. He expresses a yearning for rescue from his struggles yet acknowledges that he is exactly where he needs to be, viewing his challenges as opportunities for spiritual, mental, and emotional growth. He posits that suffering either stems from his own contributions or serves a purposeful role in building character and helping others, a belief that, while possibly "horseshit," provides him hope. The entry concludes with a contemplation on whether anyone would truly trade their problems for another's, reinforcing his commitment to his current path.
Chapters
Here I am laying on a pile of clothes that belong to my wife. They are in front of the fireplace in my bedroom, and they have been here since probably October. I haven't moved them, um, because I don't know what to do with them. In fact, there are clothes that belong to my wife all over the bedroom and the house. It's the only thing about my wife that I know where they are, actually, because I don't have a clue where she is. And today was a really hard day. From the standpoint of feeling accomplished. And I mean, I got a lot done today. I got a lot done today. And it's still— I'm going to bed feeling like, does it even matter? And You see, that's a misnomer right there, because I can't feel like something doesn't matter. That's actually a thought. What I'm feeling is sad and angry and ashamed and afraid. And what I'm thinking, my judgments, are that I don't matter, that the things that I do don't matter, that These clothes on the floor, it still smells like her, don't matter. That she abandoned our family, doesn't matter. That she's sick and I can't do anything to help her, doesn't matter. But you know what? It does matter. All this stuff matters. The things that I do every day matter, and the things that people do matter. The choices that I make matter, and the choices other people make matter. And I don't think any of us are ever really prepared for the bad shit. We can, we can study, and we can take classes, and we can prepare. We can buy food supplies, and we can take combat training, and we can take preparation training, and we can be insured up to the max. But you know what? I don't know if we're ever really prepared for the shit that happens in life. Sometimes it just gets real real. And then we— me, I, I don't know about you or anybody else— stumble through it, bumble through it. Crawl through it. And if we're fortunate and we don't give up, we can start walking through it, and eventually we walk out of it. At least that's the hope. So What do I have to say about that? I'm tired. I want somebody to come save me. Save me from myself, save me from my struggles. But you know what? I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I have something to learn and share and grow from everything that I'm going through right now. And I would not want to trade my problems for somebody else's. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Whatever it is that you're dealing with in your life, you know, would you like to trade it for somebody else's problems? I mean, sure, I mean, if I could trade what's going on in my life for somebody who had maybe a problem with the kitchen sink that they didn't know how to fix, or a garbage disposal that needed repairing, you know, I'd gladly trade my problems for those. You know, at some level I really believe that the things that I go through in my life, I had a hand in causing. And if I didn't have a hand in causing them, then I'm going through them for a purpose. To grow my character, to build me up spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. To help others, to encourage others. There's a purpose for it. And that may be complete horseshit, but it's a belief system that is working for me, and at least it's something that gives me hope and encourages me. So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it for now. And that is my diary entry for day 16 of 99.
