Day 32 - Some days take everything you've got just to show up—and today was one of those days.

Okay, so I don't really know what day it is, to be honest. I mean, in my count right now as I'm filming this video. But I do know that today required a Herculean amount of effort to just shift, right? Woke up, mind was wrestling with me, did not want to get out of bed. And let like it's more than just the normal didn't want to get out of bed. It's like, oh God, here we go. And I hate that. I absolutely hate that when that is the struggle. And so, you know, I did all the things that I do, but there was this heaviness on me. I guess the closest thing that I can say was, I don't know if I've ever had a panic attack, but I've heard people describe what it feels like, and there was this sense like that was just coming at any moment for like the first 3 hours of the day. And I went outside, I grounded, I got the morning sunlight. It was overcast, it rained last night, so it was, you know, not very sunny in the morning. And, you know, schedule didn't work out to where I could get to the gym first thing in the morning, so I I just went in and started doing my work. And I was listening to some teachings and some motivational stuff to try and get my mindset, you know, shifted. And it was just a sense of like, kind of like I'm going through the motions again, right? But Somewhere around, I don't know, 11 o'clock, okay, and this is, this is getting up at like 5:45 in the morning. So around 11 o'clock everything started to shift and I really just got into my groove, was focused on getting things done, helping clients, solving problems, and you know, I ran into more problems as I went, things that I don't have solutions for yet. And I need solutions by tomorrow. So I don't know what the solution is, but I believe that everything's figureoutable. And I went and, you know, got my workout in. You see me wearing this crazy helmet, it's because I just went mountain biking and just finished a 35-minute ride. And now I'm sitting in the park before I go back home. But You know, for me, it's really important. Like, one of the things that's vital to my mental, emotional health is movement and exercise. I definitely need that. That is one thing that really helps me cope well with stress. And, you know, as I was, as I was writing and I was thinking about, you know, what's been going on the last few days, part of it is that I have a long list of people in my life that I want to spend time with, that I want to communicate with, that I want to do things for. And it's like my expectations are way too high of myself, you know. It's not possible to connect with everybody that I want to in the amount of time that I have available to me. At least right now. Maybe it's sometime in the future that will be the case, but it's not right now. And I feel sad and angry about that, you know, because I'm very aware of how precious time is and how we're not promised another day. So I want to, like, I want to end every day empty, right? Like, I really used that time. And when I know that I haven't, um, because I've I, you know, got distracted or I allowed myself to engage in some kind of meaningless activity. And look, I'm not saying that everything you do has to have meaning, right? There's nothing wrong with sitting down and watching a mindless TV show and just chilling. I'm not saying that you got to be productive every second. But when there's— when I feel like I've, you know, wasted my time Engaging in something where it was like, you know, why did I spend my time doing that? That wasn't important. That tends to contribute to me feeling, you know, a sense of sadness and remorse. So, look, it's a journey, right? I'm just on this— I'm continuing on this journey of transformation and progression and healing, and there's going to be days where it feels like You know, like I've had a setback. Last few days have been like that. And it's also very easy for me to berate myself. And I— if you've watched earlier videos, you know that one of the things that I've been very conscious of is just noticing when I do that. And instead of allowing it to happen, you know, to correct it or to just say, hmm, that's interesting. And I know that subconsciously I've been feeling I guess a sense of shame about where I've fallen short, like not getting videos done every single day, you know, my schedule being unmanageable in certain, in certain areas, setting expectations really high and then falling short of those. So I just have to remember that this, this is a progress, I mean a process. Of progress. So, some days I'm going to kill it and other days maybe not so much. But here's, here's the thing that I think really matters, at least to me right now in this moment, is that I do not quit. Like, I keep getting up and I keep going at it and I keep trying new strategies and new approaches. And when I find things that work, I repeat them. And instead of continuing to do the same things over and over again, expecting different results, I look for different things to do. So, and do we fall back into old patterns? I do. Maybe you don't. But I also know that I break those. And I have broken so many in my life that I have absolutely no doubt that Everything is figureoutable. So, longer video this time. Maybe that makes up for the ones that I didn't do the past few days. And I am going to work to be more consistent. So, I hope anybody that's watching this is getting some value out of it. And I just want to encourage you that whatever it is you're working to overcome, to heal from, to grow into, that you're worth it. And the effort is worth it, and you matter, and striving to be better and to improve matters. And even if you don't see results immediately, bamboo takes a long time to sprout. So keep at it. All right, love you, God bless you.