13. How To Build Consistent Confidence—Starting Now! (3 Keys)

Now they're out of sight. I'm safe. Oh my God, I felt like an idiot. And Brandon was left there alone and he was wondering, what the hell? Where's Tony going? My wife says this intro sounds like a conspiracy mystery. So I'll stop that voice and tell you, this show is for you to get you on the track you want for your life. I'm going to share encouraging educational content, hopefully entertaining, that will help you direct your life. If you had complete confidence in yourself this year, what would you do? You had total, complete confidence in your social confidence, your performance confidence, your body confidence, self-confidence, self-efficacy. What would you do? This is the question, and I love the subject of confidence because I'm sure you can relate, but I have lacked confidence in so many different ways over my life. I've built them up, I've overcome some things, but I believe it's an ongoing journey and it is something you have to keep conditioning. And if you don't use it, you lose it. So there are those areas of your life that you need confidence. I would say in all areas of your life. Because it will enhance relationships, it will enhance your success, it will enhance your happiness and your self-fulfillment when you work on this confidence. So today I have 3 important elements that can help you build your confidence further than it is now, or if you really lack confidence like me when I was growing up, then this will serve you. So the first thing is parent yourself. Be an amazing parent to yourself. And what does that mean? That means give yourself grace. And when you mess up or when you are too shy to take action, just remind yourself, as a good parent does, and say, hey, Just give it a shot. It's okay if you fail because when you quote fail, you're gonna learn. And at the other side of this, you will feel better because you'll have that much more knowledge, and that is actually confidence, than you had before. So on the other side of uncomfortable action is everything you want. It's the next lesson. It's That new relationship. It's that next level of fulfillment. So do not get so hard on yourself because you can talk yourself to death with negativity and it's not going to serve you. You can call yourself the stupidest, weakest person 1,000 times. That's not going to help you get more confidence. You know what is? Being a good parent to yourself. Saying good things, remembering some of the things you've already done. And realize, you know what, that took some confidence. Okay, cool. I'm not completely confident, but it's okay to fumble a little bit because then you learn. That's number one, be a great parent to yourself. And that involves self-grace when you mess up, or maybe you said you were gonna do it and then you didn't. And then now you're thinking, I have no confidence, I'll never have confidence. That's not good. There's always another chance, little Johnny. Number 2, this is key, my friends. When I figured this out, just the concept, it changed everything for me. The concept is confidence is a skill. Confidence is a skill. That means everyone can build it. That means you can practice it and get better at it and Utilize that skill once you develop it. That also means it's an ongoing thing that you can learn to get better at. Isn't that what a skill is? There's so many things we can do to help with our confidence. And if you realize it is a skill— and let's first define what confidence truly is. It's the ability in oneself or the belief in oneself to figure things out, to just say, hey, This seems kind of crazy, but I want to go after it, or I'm put in this position and I'm going to trust myself to figure it out. Now, how do you get to that point? Because so many people don't have self-trust. So many people don't realize, oh yeah, I did it a little off, so now I need to adjust and then I'll be where I want to be. So many people don't have that because it is a skill they lacked. They didn't Develop it. Here's an example, a little challenge for you that can help with your confidence, and it's called the eye test. I believe if you're even confident and you feel like, I'm pretty confident, this is still a challenge. So try this out. I do this from time to time frequently, ever since I learned about this skill that you can develop and this challenge that is pretty interesting. So let's say you're talking to someone and You're looking at each other. Try to be the one that holds the eyes on them. So lock your eyes on them and don't break eye contact until they look away. Now you don't have to do this repeatedly like a psycho, but do this from time to time this week. See if you can do it. Now I know for me, it was hard for me to look people in the eyes growing up for too long, if at all, especially in my like teenage years. I would probably be looking down and My body language was showing that I wasn't confident. And that's another thing, get in good body language. Make sure you have that chest up. Make sure that you're not hunching over and having text neck. Don't look at that phone too much. When you hold your phone, put your chest up, hold that hand up, and, uh, your arm's gonna get a little tired, and then you'll realize, oh, I'm looking at this phone too much. I digress. But it is a skill. Try the eye test. And if you're walking down the street and you see a stranger, just look them in the eye and give them a nice smile and see if you can hold it until they break. It's still hard for me sometimes, but I love it. And when I follow through, it's like a little pat on the back. Yes, I beat the test. I beat the test. It is funny. Now I can relate. I know how it is. And When I had little to no confidence, I didn't really love myself that much. I put myself in this weird little artist's struggling depressed bin, and I had this strange ego pride about it, and it wasn't cool. A little story. It's a little embarrassing, but I think it serves a point, so I shall share it. Way back when I was a teenager, my one friend Brandon and I, one of my best friends, we went out skateboarding and having fun talking. And then we saw some girls in the corner. And somehow they looked at us, or they said something to us. And Brandon and I were talking, oh, they look, they look cute. Like, wonder what they're doing. And then they called us over there. And I freaked out. So I remember that Brandon, he was also a couple years younger than me. He was just, you know, elusive, probably wasn't overthinking. I was already overthinking in my life and in my confidence levels. I knew they were low. And I, I saw them waving over to us and saying some stuff. When I freaked out, I was like, okay, what do you do? You either fight, you Freeze or you flight, right? So what happened the minute that they kind of turned away? Maybe they were waiting to see if we would come over. They were probably just having fun and joking around. The minute they didn't see me, like they turned away, I just bolted. I went around the corner. I was like, okay, now they're out of sight. I'm safe. Oh my God. I felt like an idiot. And Brandon was left there alone and he was wondering, what the hell? Where's Tony going? So that little story is a reminder how far I came. I don't run away from people anymore. I don't run away from situations that seem challenging, overwhelming anymore. What I do is I parent myself, I skill up, and I realize the number 3, this element number 3 today, I realize how important it is to step into the arena because gaining confidence, there is no easy way. You can't just say, let me think about being confident. Let me think about being confident. I'm confident. I'm confident. And then one day you're just confident. That's not how it works. There is no easy way. So what do you need to do? You actually have to step into the arena. You can't stay in the crowd. So think about a football game. You're in the crowd and you are analyzing the game. You know the game, you're rooting for the people, but you're not playing the game. And real self-assurance comes from lacing up those shoes, stepping in, playing the game. Even when you fumble, you're out there. And that's how you build self-confidence. It is pretty much the only way. To step out on stage, try the thing, do the thing. And guess what? A little mindset shift on how to go out there and play the game. Think about this: once it's over, you will be better. Simply put, you will be better. You will have that next level of confidence because now you know what it's like to play the game. You know what it's like to step out on the stage. You know what it's like to go walk up to the person That you're interested in and say, hey, how you doing? I figured I'd say hi 'cause you seem interesting. You will now know what it's like. And when you know what it's like, you're a little more familiar. When you're a little more familiar, you're a little more confident. When you're a little more confident and you have a little more competence, you're more likely to take action next time. It's this repeat cycle. It's the confidence-competent loop. And I love it. And I always remind myself of this because there's always new challenges. There's always new things that scare me. But what do I do? I realize, hey, this is a chance. I'm gonna step out on that stage, see what happens. I'm gonna be the mad scientist. That's my other mindset shift for you today. Become your own mad scientist. This way, it's an experiment, and you're just testing out things and checking theories and all that good stuff. It's not such a big deal. Just go out there and step on the stage. Go out there and play the game. Go out there and have fun. Learn. Failure is learning. And when you're learning, you're growing. When you're growing, you're getting progress. And progress equals more happiness. And when you're happier, you're more giving. You're more of a pleasure to be around. I'll leave you with this challenging question. Where do you need to work deeply on your confidence levels? Which area in your life? And when are you gonna step out on that stage and learn? When are you going to play the game and learn and just go for it, feel it uninhibited? And number 2, what could you start doing today that your future confident self would do? So imagine yourself awesome, completely sitting in confidence in the future. What are you doing in the future? Do that now. Start Acting that now. If you would go and talk to that person in the future, do it now. Don't wait. Just try it. Be the experimenter. Be the mad scientist. Go direct your life. I'm rooting for you. Go out there and do the thing you know you need to do today, this week, to build your confidence. Because remember, it is a skill. Remember, you need to parent yourself with self-grace. And remember— The only way you're going to build confidence is to go out there and do the thing. If you like this episode, please share it with someone that needs to hear it. If you're on Spotify, you can comment on it. If you're on Apple, you can rate it, leave a review. I'd appreciate it. I would love to hear what you think, more of your struggles in life and how you're dealing with directing your own life, because it is hard. It's hard for everyone. And we all have different areas that struggle. I'd love to hear where you're challenged, what you need to hear on the next episode. And I'll leave it with that. Thank you so much for tuning in.