24. Skip the Small Talk: The Hidden Cost of Surface-Level Living

Creating conversations worth sharing is so important. And I like to think, as a director, I want my life worth filming, worth watching. And I think it's Socrates, one of the philosophers, that said, a life unexamined is not a life worth living. And I go beyond that. I say, if you don't capture your life, was it meaningful? My wife says this intro sounds like a conspiracy mystery. So I'll stop that voice and tell you, this show is for you to get you on the track you want for your life. I'm going to share encouraging educational content, hopefully entertaining, that will help you direct your life. Welcome to another episode of Direct Your Life. My name is Tony Suriano. Welcome in. Today's episode is all about intimate conversations, deep conversations. This is important. If you're a person that continues this small talk little game, I have news for you. You're not gonna go anywhere. You're not gonna have any fulfillment, and you're not gonna remember the beautiful moments you could have had. So when people say, hey, what'd you talk about with Billy Bean over there? And you say, oh, he's all right, he's good. That's it? Come on! He's fine, he's doing fine. Fine. Who wants to do fine? I know I don't. Fine means you're just getting by. Fine means you're just getting by. So today, let's talk about how you can break past small talk with others if they just do that by default. And we're going to talk a little bit about what you can reflect on this week and How we can ask better questions. Okay, time is running out. Let's have deep conversations. Let's ask better questions. Let's enjoy life. When I'm with you, I've worked really hard to not have my phone on with me. I turn off the notifications, I put it in the bag, and if I don't and you're with me and I'm on the phone and I didn't let you know, hey, I, I have to actually send this email at 3 PM real quick, it'll take 2 minutes. Call me out on it, okay? Because I've been working on that for a decade and I'm doing quite well. So I really believe that people go into small talk— how's the weather? How's your car? Okay, how's the job?— they do it because they don't want to jump right into in-depth discoveries of your life. Now I get it, maybe they need to warm up, but a lot of the times it's a little bit about insecurity. When you don't open up and you don't ask deeper questions to the other person, you're showing a little insecurity. Because guess what? If you ask them, they're probably going to ask you. There's insecurity. Why? Because all of us humans, we sometimes fear judgment, and we think, wait a minute, if we're judged too harshly, they might not like me. They might find out that, dang, I'm not the best human. Um, I am all talk and no, no walk. Guess what? You need to find that out so you start doing the walk, not just the talk. I'm a little energized and hyper here because I'm out. And guess what? I was filming this for you for 10 minutes. It was really great. I was on point, and, uh, this little mic was off. So I'm doing it again, and now my left arm is hurting. I'm going to change arms. I hope you're enjoying this. And if you are, please leave a review wherever you're watching. If you're on YouTube, please give me a subscribe and share this episode. But moving on, what I wanted to talk about is intimate conversations. I learned this the other day, something specific. It's just profound. My mom mentioned it. She said intimate conversations, really, it's into me you see. Into me you see. Intimacy. That's why people don't go there, because they don't want you looking into me. That's scary. You're gonna find something out, and then I'm gonna have to deal with it. I'm gonna have to do the work in life. Yeah, you are. And that's going to help you grow and help you be that better person you know you have in you, but you need to work on it to bring it out. And it's going to help others, yourself, everyone. So just kill the small talk, okay? Now let's ask this. There are 5 regrets that people have on their deathbed. This is a lot of common regrets, and we're just gonna go over one. One is they regret being openly loving and spending their time with their friends. Connection. Deep, open connection. You don't want to get to the end and say, dang. Oh, I watched that. And I listened to that one episode so many years ago about deep connections, and I've been doing small talk my whole life. You don't want that, right? You're here to direct your life. You're here like so many others could be, but you're here. You're still listening. People stopped already, but you're here because you're thinking, wait, maybe a different perspective could get me in alignment. Maybe it could get my conversations deeper. Because I know, like you know, there are people in our lives. There's family. There's friends. There's people that you just bump into all the time and it's like, why are we even having a conversation? I know that sounds jerky. You don't want to be a jerk. I've sometimes let out the jerk. It's not good. You want to just create a safe space for people to open up. And I've been learning I need to give more disclaimers because I'm always energized. Go, go, let's do it. Let's talk. Let's talk. And disclaimers are good because you can have someone feel a little more comfortable You could share something first, but really, if it comes down to it, if you're the one that isn't stuck in small talk but you're with others that are stuck, the key is to really listen to them. Don't wait to speak. Listen. I've been working on this for 20 years. I've scratched the surface, but I feel like I'm doing pretty well. And listening's a skill. And when you listen correctly you can actually get little cues from them on how to open them up and what is meaningful to them. And this is essential. So if you haven't already taken a listening course or a communication course, I encourage you, find one. I don't have one right now, maybe in the future, and I'll tell you where to find it. But wherever you find one, or find an in-person class, it is essential. It's going to change you. You can join your local Toastmasters. Look it up, it's called Toastmasters. They teach you how to publicly speak in a way, but also listen. So when others are speaking, you practice listening and you kind of rate each other on what they were doing, and it helps you. I encourage you to reflect. Which conversations have you had in the last week, week and a half that really made you feel alive and connected? If you didn't, Find out who they were with, and the next time you're with them, really try to go past small talk. And which one of those felt dead? Dead on arrival. Okay, which one felt alive? And then just take notes. Self-assessment. Creating conversations worth sharing is so important. And I like to think, as a director, I want my life worth filming, worth watching. And I think it's Socrates, one of the philosophers, that said, a life unexamined is not a life worth living. And I go beyond that. I say, if you don't capture your life, was it meaningful? And your life is meaningful. Make it meaningful. Get in alignment and journal capture, because you can, you can grab these wisdom nuggets and lessons in each. And it's amazing. It's fun. So I got some notes here. This is also key— asking better quality questions. Because when you ask the quality questions, you get quality results. And here's an easy one for you. The next time you're with someone that's giving you the small talk, maybe let them warm up and then say, hey, what's been lighting you up lately? Like, what's making you happy? You could be direct. What— anything making you actually happy today? People don't think about this. Like, what made me happy? I, I try to think, what was a magic moment today? I ask myself that every day and I go, oh good, yeah, I had that. And we do that so you're like, oh, my day was, was good. If you don't find the magic moments, yeah, you got to start creating your own. So what was lighting you up lately? That's one good question. Another one, what's been on your mind a lot recently? What's been going on in your mind recently? That's a great question. It's friendly. It's like, it's an invitation. Just say, share it. You know, nothing big, not a big deal. Just share something like that, and it will help them just be a little more vulnerable with you if you ask it right, right? Not like a jerk. Okay, this is so important because life is precious, time is precious. We don't want to waste it on small talk. Small talk. You don't want to be small, okay? You want to have good talk, real talk. And it doesn't have to be deep every time, but it should be meaningful. You should have some laughs, tell some jokes, share funny moments with your friends and family. Be the one. You're here watching. You're here directing your life. You want to get to your next level. And if you haven't stopped listening now, Then you are that one in your friend circle, in your family that needs to go, hey guys, we haven't talked about science. Anything recent? And if someone has something recent and they share it, you open up or you bring something to the table. So I found out something really cool and share them your excitement. These are the things, these are the challenges. I want you to think about your week, reflect. How were your conversations and who are you going to meet this coming week? How could you engage and listen better and create a safe space for them so their small talk becomes real talk? That's it for this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Please share it with someone that needs to hear it. And if you can do me one little favor, it would mean a lot if you can review this show. Let me know what it's like for you, what takeaways you have. You can comment on Spotify, or if you're on the Apple platform, please rate it and leave a review there. It means a lot. Also, if you want to go deeper on a weekly level with these episodes, I have a free weekly newsletter. This is where I share behind the scenes, written deeper dives, fun stuff, cool stuff, stuff that can really help you direct your week along with these episodes. So check it out at tonysuriano.com/newsletter. Try it out for free. It'll always be free. It's there for you. Please check it out. That's it. Thank you so much for tuning in. And don't forget, have deeper conversations, open yourself from the small talk to real talk, and continue to direct your life. Thank you.