In this solo‑host episode, Tony Suriano explores how well‑intentioned advice can sabotage conversations. He opens with the pivotal question, “Are you venting or do you want advice?” and illustrates its importance through a personal story about offering unsolicited health advice to a friend who was merely venting about weight concerns. Suriano reflects on his own tendency to jump to solutions, explains why consent‑based dialogue prevents defensiveness, and shares a toolbox of communication practices: pausing and counting to five, checking one’s own energy, mirroring the speaker before responding, and explicitly asking for permission to give advice. He backs his points with statistics from the International Listening Association (75% of people don’t fully listen) and a Salesforce study (86% of workplace failures stem from poor communication). He recommends resources such as “The Power of When,” Toastmasters, and communication courses, and ends with a concrete weekly challenge—pause, count to five, and ask the vent‑or‑advice question before offering input. Listeners are urged to share the episode, comment, and review it to help spread the message of mastering communication for personal and professional growth.
Chapters
My wife says this intro sounds like a conspiracy mystery. So I'll stop that voice and tell you, this show is for you to get you on the track you want for your life. I'm going to share encouraging educational content, hopefully entertaining, that will help you direct your life. Okay. Welcome into the episode. I'm Tony Suriano, your host. And today I want to ask the question right away. Are you venting or do you want advice? Now, I'm not actually asking you that. I'm asking that so I remember to ask that more often before opening my mouth. This question can save you and I arguments and flusters and frustration when we're communicating. So today's episode is all about communication and about that question. Before I go into it deeper with some of the key ways to emphasize that and make sure you're doing that, I wanted to share a little story that, that happened to me the other day. And well, now it's a story because it really did happen to me. So it was a situation. I was walking with my dear friend and he mentioned something. We were just walking down a sidewalk after Grabbing a matcha tea, and we're walking, and he grabs his waist midsection and kind of jiggles it and goes, "Oh man, I feel fat. I gotta lose twenty pounds." So we started talking a little bit about that, and I was asking him like, "Well, you're not fat, man, but what's your real goal for health?" And he said, "Well, I want to have more energy. I really need to work on my sleep. I want to do some deeper gut work where." It helps you regain your energy so I don't just have the low energy, which makes me want to eat all the time. And we started talking a little back and forth, and I tried my best to just be Socratic about it, which just means ask them more questions and see what they can open up about before I give my advice. But it's always hard for me because I, I am a crazy health nerd, and for 20 years I've been studying trying, experimenting, and maintaining a very healthy lifestyle myself. So for my friends and family, I— it's very hard for me to not open my mouth and say, oh, you should try this because I read about it and it worked for thousands of people, or try this because it worked for me. I did it for a month and it was amazing. So what happened is we eventually went some back and forth, and I didn't ask him if he wanted advice. I just kind of threw this at him. I said, hey, well, you know what I did, uh, for a month straight? I took away fruit, I took away all sugar, no white carbs that are empty, and I just ate clean whole foods 6 days a week. And on the 7th day, I decided, hey, I can eat whatever I want. And this is all based off of an amazing book by Tim Ferriss called The 4-Hour Body. I read it, I experimented, I did it for 1 month with no extra exercise, and I just randomly lost 12 pounds. And I didn't think I could even lose any weight because I don't feel like I was overweight. And I carried that into my lifestyle, and I'm still pretty good about it. I'm not as strict, but I told him about this and the fruit thing, and then he's like, no, I don't even eat much fruit. And he kind of— I think he already knew what he should do. And he wasn't really looking for advice. But long story short, we kind of bickered a little bit, and I was frustrated that he doesn't want to try this. And he was frustrated, frustrated that I didn't just let him do what he wants to do. And I was trying to convince him, I'm not trying to control what you do. I'm just trying to share something that worked, blah, blah, blah. We, we are pretty funny people. So eventually we started laughing about it and we started to dissect it and talk about communicating. And he called me out on stuff, and I was like, all right. And I, I was a little bit of a jerk trying to joke, and he's like, oh, but you're being really a jerk. And I'm like, all right, okay. So thus this episode. And the reason I'm really telling you that is because in your own world, if you're a little bit like me, you want to help and you want to give your advice because your advice is great. But the one question that changes everything Is essential for communication. And we all need to remember this, and we need to write it down so we do it more often. I was getting pretty good at this, and then I slipped. And the question that we need to remember is, are you venting or do you need some advice? Just say that, and usually they'll tell you. They'll say, ah, yeah, well, I know what to do. I just kind of wanted to vent. I hope it didn't bother you or whatever. And it's not about us withholding help. It's just about the timing and the emotional context. So that question really creates a consent-based conversation, and then they're not going to be on the defensive. So that's what happened. That's one of the solutions. And I find it fascinating that I still need so much work on this. I'm just— I've known this for years. And often this happens when it's amongst family and friends. You know, you get the law of familiarity and you just think, oh, they know I'm into health. They said they want to get healthier and lose some weight. Why wouldn't they listen to me? But that's not how it works. So where in your life do you maybe give some unsolicited advice? Think about it. Think about some relationships. And conversations you had that didn't go great. Was it because of that? Were you being a goof, a jerky goof like me? And if you were, this is your chance, this is your time, this is your moment to make that commitment to asking those questions when anyone seems to want our advice. Because it's so true, you could pull the horse to the water and yank it and tug and say, drink, drink, drink. Drink. They're not going to drink the water. Like, you can't force the horse to drink water. It's a perfect metaphor. And timing is everything. Now, there's a couple other tools that can help with stronger communication, because that's what this is about today, and hopefully for the rest of our lives, because it's a continual mastery when it comes to communication. I've been working on my communication skills forever, and that could be from Just enunciating better because I used to be a mumbler and that helped me get really insecure for some years. So I dedicated to work on enunciating better. And that's one aspect. There's so many other aspects like reading people, reading the room, checking the energy before you speak. That's a good one. Before you even dive into giving a little bit of advice, you should just pause and think, Okay, am I trying to be right here, or do I want to feel useful? Well, wait a minute, I'm asking me those questions. If I'm really wanting to give advice, you have to ask the other person, right? That is essential. So think about your energy before you just dish out advice. Another thing is to mirror first, move second. So Repeat back what you hear. This is quintessential communication and conversation, and it helps them feel heard and it clarifies. And that's why I like to do it. Now I'm pretty natural at doing that in just general conversations. So you repeat back what you hear or feel before giving your opinion. So the example would be, sounds like you're drained and, and, uh, you're craving that stable sleep. Does that sound right? And then, of course, they start to open it up and they say, well, yeah, you know, it's not even about the junk food. I'm eating at home most of the time, clean ingredients. Um, I just— I've been having trouble sleeping. And then I might say, trouble? Just that one word with the question. They might say, well, so this happens and this happens, you know, without me trying to guess Oh, trouble. Oh, you know what helps you with sleep? Because I—it's not necessarily this sleep problem. It could be an emotional problem. It could be actually a physiological problem. You know, whatever it is, you don't know until you just ask a little bit of those opening questions and clarifying questions. And then, of course, you go back to that original thing. Oh, do you? You want a thought that helped me? Or nah, right? So you could get into it like that. There's so many ways. Just remember that question, do you want to vent or are you asking for advice? It actually can make you a little bit afraid to ask it because it is direct and it is saying, hey, I have something to offer. So if you're someone that's reluctant to ask a question like that because then you think you're positioning yourself high and mighty, then I ask you to just say it in a loving way. Just make sure your tone is good because they'll get it. And again, if you ask that correct, they're gonna decide venting or advice. And then you have the right, you know, hey, you, you asked for my advice. This is what I said. This is what I think. So here's some statistics for you logical people out there. I find this Fascinating. I share this often. This is just more about communication, and this is a stat from the International Listening Association. 75% of people are not fully listening in conversation. 75% of people are not fully listening in conversation or on this podcast. Gotcha. They're rehearsing their response. They're actually thinking, okay, what am I gonna say? Oh, he mentioned that thing about Pop-Tarts. Oh, I gotta tell him about this new bakery I found. Where was it again? You just gotta trust in yourself that it will come and just keep pushing yourself back to what they're saying. Remember, making it about them in a conversation or communication scenario will help you connect deeper because everyone wants to Talk about themselves in a way. So if you can force that out of you and go into them, it's gonna be a more pleasant conversation and you'll probably learn something different and new about that person. And what maybe you can think about it like, it's, it's a little like meditation. If you've ever meditated, it's not about being perfect. It's about just practicing the focus. On one thing, and then when your mind goes somewhere else, you just practice pulling it back to the one thing. That's kind of what a conversation's like. So if you think about it, you can just utilize what I'm saying now in your conversations to meditate back to their conversation, and hopefully you won't be that 75% statistic because that is crazy. There's also a Another one, according to Salesforce study, 86% of employees and executives, they say that ineffective communication is the root of workplace failures. So communication for family, for friends, but for the workplace, I mean, that is essential. If you want to grow in your workplace or your career, you better practice communication. And I don't mean just listen to me here. I mean, get a communication book, several, and just obsess a little bit on it so you'll start implementing. Take an online course. Even better, go in person to a course. There's also Toastmasters, which helps you just get up in front of the class, quote, and speak and listen, uh, because you'll be watching other speakers and you can evaluate them and you start realizing, oh, Well, by evaluating them, I'm realizing something about my own communication skills. So I urge you to really take this seriously. If you want anything out of this beautiful life that— with this precious short window of time, and you want to grow and make the progress that will help you get happier and help you spread the joy with your friends and family, then you need to get on the Communication Mastery lifetime. I'm trying to come up with something that sounds really better than it is, but it's just this continual journey of mastering your communication so you can succeed and be happier and have more growth. All right, I think I said enough about that. I hope that you enjoyed that section because it really kind of hits you in the face when you hear some statistics. All right, wrapping up why this really matters. I just mentioned, right, real communication, it requires restraint, it requires awareness and clarity of intent. And mastery isn't knowing what to say, it's really knowing when to say it. There's a great book called The Power of When. I need to get it again. I borrowed it from the library, I skimmed it, I didn't read all of it because you can randomly go into any section and figure it out. When should I ask for a raise? You know, all this cool stuff. But I need to actually purchase that book. It is a very phenomenal book. Check that out if you have some time to hit the library or buy it, and you'll love it, I promise. But again, mastery isn't knowing what to say, it's when to say it. And, and with communication, it's an ongoing thing. You're, you're gonna think, yeah, I'm a great communicator now, and then something's gonna hit you in the face. But if you have that awareness, that growth mindset, you'll allow that mistake to help you. And that's what I aim to do here with this podcast. I'm trying to express to you and to my subconscious that I do not want to be the person giving unsolicited advice and making people think, oh man, near Tony comes around and he's making me feel feel bad about myself because he thinks he knows it all. I don't want to have that because that doesn't help anyone, and then that person doesn't want to be around me. That's stupid. So let's all be smart. Let's ask those great questions. Do you want to vent or do you want some advice? Let's know when and how we feel before we open our mouths. Here we go, call to action. I'm challenging you, listener. Thank you for being here, by the way. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. And here's your challenge this week: pause before you offer advice. Just count to 5 and ask yourself how you feel, and then ask them that one question. And you know it, I'm gonna say it again. I'm throwing it at you so you feel it, you understand it, and it gets inside your subconscious. Oh, are you just venting? You know, I know that that kind of sucks. Or do you want some advice? Just say it nonchalant like that. You'll be shocked how many people just need to be heard, because a lot of people know what to do, but when they feel heard, maybe they'll actually do it. And I invite you to share this episode with someone you know like me that needs it, okay? Someone that you know maybe offers too much advice. Send them links and open those doors. And, uh, I would love for you to comment too. If you're listening to this on Spotify, there's a comment section. Or wherever else you are, look for the comment section. Let me know what you think. I'd love to read it. All right. Finally, if you love this episode, please do me a favor and review it on Apple Podcasts because that is what really helps this spread and grow as this channel continues. That's it for today. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to the very end. I really appreciate your time. Let's master our communication for the rest of our lives. Let's dive in. Let's direct our lives.
