47. How To Win the Debate That Directs Your Life

All right, this is the 5th installment of 15. So if you haven't listened to the last 4 episodes, it's part of a 15 set, and it's all designed to help you direct your life. My wife says this intro sounds like a conspiracy mystery, so I'll stop that voice and tell you this show is for you to get you on the track you want for your life. I'm going to share encouraging educational content Hopefully entertaining that will help you direct your life. I'm Tony Suriano, your host. I'm a filmmaker, keynote speaker, and creative coach. I'm here for you, and I want to make sure when I meet you one day, I shake your hand. You're in joy. You're feeling good. You accept the magic that's all around you. I know it sounds a little flibbity flu flu, but. I might be a little selfish. I don't want the people say, "Ah, you know life's going." I want you to say, "Oh man, life is good," and you know I have something to share with you that you might find interesting. That's what I want for you when I meet you one day. So without further ado, welcome in to this episode. We're going to be talking about how your life is parallel to. The world of cinema. This is pretty much the entire concept of my new book, Direct Your Life or Someone Else Will, coming out soon. And for updates and my free newsletter, go to tony-suriano.com/book, because this is all about having fun ways, metaphorically speaking, So we remember them, so we can all get on our hero's journey and follow through with what matters to us. And in filmmaking, in the best scripts written, there are 15 beats that really make a compelling story. And we're applying this to your life. Today's beat is about the debate. When fear, uncertainty, and doubt kick in. You're debating your call, the thing in life that you actually care about, maybe the thing that scares you. You start debating. There's so many reasons why, but before we get into that, I wanted to start out and read what beat 5 is from Save the Cat, which is a book about screenwriting. And stick with me here, this is not going to be an episode about Screenwriting or anything. This podcast is all about directing your life, making your life better than any film out there. But it's really cool to use film metaphors. They're easier to remember, they're fun, and it's also parallel to our lives. So the debate is the reaction to the catalyst. The catalyst is an inciting incident that Either hits the hero or pushes the hero to make a decision. It's usually presented in the form of a question like, do I really have to go on this dangerous quest? The debate can be a sequence of doubt, denial, evasion, or even preparation. It lends weight to the life-changing bigger journey yet to come and foreshadows the new world as one that you do not enter lightly. What does that all mean? It means that you have a whole new journey ahead of you. And I like to think about it as specific periods of your life each have this new calling for you. And with each new calling, you're going to have this debate. That debate is like 3 Terminators tracking you down, trying to end you, trying to keep you small, trying to dim your light. And I have names for these 3 Terminators. I'll get to that in a moment. But sit down or tune in because the rest of this episode is all about how you can fight that debate, make the decision, move forward into the new world. Because You don't want to get stuck in the old mundane world where you don't feel alive, right? Okay. And towards the end, I'm going to give you a couple questions and challenges that can help you get yourself to where you know you need to go, to where you deserve to be. Okay. This is what beat 5, The Debate, is really about. It's the internal scene before the real adventure starts. The identity in you that wants the safety versus the identity in you that wants growth. So you have to think about that. Think about a time in your life where you just didn't follow through and you realized, wow, that was, that was a wussy thing to do. That's what I'm gonna say. What else can I say? We wuss out sometimes, but when you actually accept the, the goal, the task at hand, you will always grow because that's why you were debating. It was hard, so you're going to have a growing pain. And why does this conflict actually act as a sign that you're on the right path? Because if it scares you, usually it's the reason to move forward. But let's go further. Is it really scaring you, or is it exciting you so much that you don't want to screw it up? Or you have some fear of the outcome, or fear of the loss from moving forward, or just fear of the process? And all 3 of those things are what we're going to call the Terminators. And this is going to be the explanation of each, and then we'll figure out how to fight them. Terminator number one, loss pain. It's what you think you lose by moving forward, like a hoarder clinging to broken furniture and boxes of junk, terrified to let go because deep down they believe that that's their identity. That's their safety. Their worth is tied up to all that clutter. Now, you and me might not relate exactly to that hoarding mentality, but the example just means that we, we hold on to these unproductive identities because they have this comfort in them. We don't have to work so hard. And if we move away from it, we think, well, what if I'm not comfortable again? What if I don't have this? What if I don't have safety? And yes, that's the old brain trying to keep us safe. But as we all know, and as you know, that usually only came in handy when we were being chased by bears or lions in our old ancestral times. Usually right now it's just this old brain on autopilot that just kind of messes with us. So we need to realize this and be aware of the loss pain. And this also can happen if, for example, you're planning to go to a new job or at least stop your current job, try to get a new one. You might do it, but the debate is, damn, if I do that, I might lose this job security right here. How can I go over there if I lose this? But you do have to weigh your decision-making. And make sure that you five x your results if you actually move forward and go chase that bigger thing over there. I think that's a good rule. If it's going to be five x your happiness, five x your relationship life, five x your money possibilities, if it's an investment, I think it's worth it. If it's not that much, maybe you don't. Maybe you're. Debate is actually true and you're not supposed to take that. So that's one way I think you can decide, is this real loss or is it just loss pain? So Terminator 2 was a great film, but in this podcast, Terminator 2 is called process pain— how much agony you'll be in during the journey. I think a lot of people get stuck in this because Unfortunately, in this day and age— I'm going to use that phrase— a lot of people don't want to put in the work. They think everything should be instant. There's instant gratification with all the online, all the phones, and all this instant gratification nation going on. So what we need to do is realize nothing great is really easy. You have to put in the hard work or the good work. To get something worthwhile. Like if you're staring at a mountain from the base, convinced the climb will destroy you, you'll never take the first step and you're never going to get to the top and see the vista and enjoy the experience. So sometimes this happens. We have this idea that it's so much, there's so many things I got to do because we over chunk it. We make a long list of the 50 things that it's going to take to get us to get in shape, when actually it's just 2 things: put on some clothes and get to the gym, or put on some clothes and walk around the block. So we have to simplify it. And this is a great, a great term I learned from Tim Ferriss, or it's a phrase, and we need to ask ourselves this often whenever we're in a debate or whenever we're Facing some kind of problem. What if it were easy? So what would it look like if it were easy? The one, two, three steps I need to take. Oh, okay. So it's not that crazy. Sure, there's some hard work along the way. Yes, we're gonna have to process all this, but it's not fifty to a hundred things. They're usually chunked together in smaller ones. Instead of overchunking into larger long lists. I hope that makes sense. It does to me. I, I have no problem with the process pain at all. Um, the loss pain, I don't have any at all. But I think sometimes the 3rd Terminator creeps up, and the 3rd Terminator is outcome pain. Where will you Or will you not end up if you go on the journey, if you chase your dream, grab your goals, and go all in? That can be scary for people. And as much as it seems silly to say like, oh, success scares me, it can when you think about it this way. The Terminator number 3. It, it really can test your societal humiliation because if you go all in and it doesn't work out, you could feel humiliation. You can be seen starting small and it didn't work out. But that is what it takes. And I remind myself that any new endeavor I'm going on, I have to remember, hey, the best in the world had to start Without knowing much. They had to start similar where I'm starting. So if that's true, then I have to take the steps now. And the sooner I start— and I'm telling you here, the sooner you start, the faster you'll get the experience, the competency, the confidence, all that good stuff. Here's a real-world example. You don't ask her out because you're already living in the imagined future Where she says no and you feel like crap. But what actually happens is you just miss out on the actual future where she says yes and changes your life. Think about that. Don't let these terminators terminate you. You just have to ask these better questions to overcome them. And again, they're all packaged under fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Acronym FUD. So FUD will always come, always try to hit you in the face whenever there's something important to you. Whenever you feel like you want to do something, it's exciting, but you know it's hard, you know it's a little scary, FUD will smack you. And it's never gonna stop, but you can, you can push it away for a while, take action, then it comes back, you have to dodge it, then you take action. I believe with all the experience that I've had in trying hard things, and that's, that's a lot. I do a lot of hard, like, physical activities, and speaking on stage is always a difficult task that I've now becoming much better, more confident in doing it. But still, if I've done it a lot and you know what's coming up, the FUD, it comes back sometimes right before you go on the stage. And you're thinking, oh my gosh, like what's gonna happen? What if I this, that, that? So you just have to, as soon as you hear those thoughts, you have to interrupt the pattern, get out of your head, move your body, and take action. Because you'll take the right action when you're physiologically in the right state. So get yourself in a beautiful state. Get yourself feeling great, out of your head into your body, and then you will make the better decisions. And taking action is 100% the better decision because you'll find out really quick what you need, what you don't have, what you lack, what you— what you're gaining more than trying to collect 100% of the information about this debate that you're having with your own self. It's crazy. Our human mind just goes back and forth all the time. And if we don't watch it, if we're not practicing personal development and growth and awareness, you get stuck. These Terminators surround you, and then you wake up wondering why you didn't take action 5 years ago. Quick pause. If this resonated with you, I want to keep the conversation going so you can stay in alignment Get motivated and implement weekly with my free newsletter. Go to tonysuriano.com/newsletter. Real stories, mindset shifts, psychology, creative breakthroughs, all on directing your life. Go to tonysuriano.com/newsletter. And now back to the episode. Why the debate exists. If we want to go a little deeper, In the psychology, your brain wants continuity. We mentioned that a little before, where you're comfortable over here, so if you leave it, that's the loss pain, right? But your brain wants so much consistency and continuity that it will find things and reasons to back that up. That's the whole issue when you have bad habits, you make excuses of why you can continue to do that because your brain's so used to it. It's wired to do that bad habit or to live in that old world or that old character that you really know deep down you don't want to be. And it will say, nah, I can't go socialize with them because I'm like this. I'm not like them. That's an excuse. That's confirmation bias, as they call it in psychology. And here's the fun part: when you're aware that you can bypass that with extreme conditioning, immersion, like 50 days in a row, an hour a day, listening to content like this, reading neurolinguistic programming, learning how to immerse yourself in this new world, this new character, after 50 days, and I'm just throwing that number out there, it could be a little less, a little more, you now have the beautiful thing that happens, which is confirmation bias for your new positive empowering habit, your new character. That is going to give you so much more light than before. And I'm, I'm going to just repeat myself for the intentionality of— I want you to be aware of this. Think about how cool it is. You get to reprogram your mind if you have intention and you have awareness and you have repetition and you do it every day. For weeks, you'll start to find a new pattern that you're staying consistent with. For example, when I started to really go deep with health— I grew up knowing about it, learning a little bit from my dad, but in my late teens, I really was like, okay, I want to be in shape. I want to be able to do fun things for the rest of my life. Let me go deeper. Let me read the 10 books. Let me take some courses. Let me just keep going and figuring things out. It was all in my space. I would be what people might call— he's a little health nut, obsessed with health. But the cool part is, is when you get obsessed, when you become that health nut, your actions have continuity And you have that confirmation bias. So when someone offers you something that isn't meeting your standard, you automatically are like, no, no, I don't eat fast food. And it just happens because you did it so much. And I'm hitting on this because this is the key for every debate in your life. I was debating myself, uh, making a new contact the other day. And I'm like, why after all these years am I still debating that? Like so many other things I used to debate, I don't anymore. I just know it's good for me. Let's go, let's do it. But I had growing up a social anxiety and mixed with, I don't know, unworthiness. So I didn't go and network and socialize as much as I could have and should have. And I would have confirmation bias, like, well, the party's gonna suck anyway. Ah, they're all doing drugs. I don't, I don't hang out over there because that— which could have been good. But do you see what I'm saying here? So that even though I worked on it, and I've put myself in many situations where I'm forced to socialize for that very reason, and it's helped, and I would say 70, 80% of the time I will fall for Follow through, go in, and just once I start debating or thinking, I just I'll physically snap my fingers and then walk forward and socialize or something. But you see what I'm saying? The lingering debate from one of my biggest issues lingered twenty years later, and this was last week. I finally, after a couple days, caught myself making up all these excuses that were trying to get me to the old me, the comfortable me, where I don't have to. Face someone saying, oh, I'm not interested in that, or someone saying, why are you trying to talk with me about that? I don't know you. Who are you? Not that anyone's really said that to me. It's just we make up this, this, uh, false evidence in our heads. And there is this quote out there by Mark Twain, something like, I've had a lot of worries in my life. Most Of which never happened. And that's the truth. So many of our worries, so many of our fears, so many of our doubts, they never play out. It's just in our head. And when you're in your head, you're dead. All right, you following along? Good. I'm excited about this stuff because we all need these pushes in different areas of our lives. So hopefully you've been thinking about where your debate is In your life right now, in this season of your life. And now we're going to talk about a couple tools that can just break us out of the debate. Tool number one: What's the cost of staying the same? I'm going to throw you some questions because questions are tools. What's the cost of staying the same? If you didn't take action and you just stayed in this little comfort zone. Are you gonna get the next level you seek? Are you gonna meet that person you're excited to meet? The answer is clear. No, it's not happening. And if you stay comfortable, just remember, you're not growing. That's just the fact. There's nothing wrong with some luxury and some enjoyment of your your regular life where it is, but there's always another level of growth. And when you're growing, you're feeling good. And what do we want to do? We, we want happiness. We want to feel good. So I always think about the debate this way: if I stay here, what's going to happen? And also, that reminds me that sometimes— I would say more often than not— All the things that you've done that got you to this level in your life won't necessarily get you to the next level. So you have to find new actions to take. And there's new calls, new catalysts that come into your life that you have to take on, which will require new information, new strategies, new tools, new relationships to get you to the next level. So we have to always think and ask these types of questions. If I want to get that over there, and I'm not talking materialistic, I rarely talk about materialistic items, I'm talking about the mental level of peace, the mental level of enjoyment when nothing's going on and you're just enjoying things. Like, there's enough— another level And we all are really seeking it when you narrow it down. So you will have to get some new tools and strategies as you move forward, because if you do the same thing you did the last year, you're going to get the same thing you did last year. All right, tool number 2: what's the smallest scene you can shoot today? Another film metaphor here. What's a scene in your life that you can shoot today? Like, you can actually decide and shoot today. Why is this important? Because micro-commitments destroy mental loops. When you make these small commitments, you're now conditioning yourself to become an action taker, which again, repetition's the mother skill. The more decisions you can make pretty quick, And you practice that on smaller, low-hanging fruit, your whole being will now then become the action taker when the new opportunity that's worth it comes in your life. I remember way back in the dating world, some of my friends, they would talk to me about dating girls and all that stuff. And I really wasn't like a dater. I wasn't always asking girls out, trying to do this. I was in the hopeless romantic stage a lot of my life, and I'm like, oh no, you'll meet. It will. We'll meet, and it'll just happen somehow. But then guess what? That person came in my life, and I didn't know how to act. And then up she walked by, and then nothing happened. Didn't get to meet her. That happened a lot. And some of my friends said, listen, you have to like practice dating and feel feel people out and see how how they are in a short period of time. And Get used to being yourself in front of them, because then when the right one comes, you're, you're ready. You can take the opportunity. So this is key for, I think, every area. We just have to condition it. So when we practice taking action over and over and over, you're conditioning yourself. And I know I'm repeating some of these things, but repetition is important because Just like the example, just like my voice to you right now. The more you hear it, the more it sinks in your subconscious, and your subconscious is always listening. That's a whole other podcast episode, because if you keep denying your call and you keep saying no to the debate, meaning you don't fight the debate and go move forward. That's who you become subconsciously, and it's always listening. That's why language is important. And when you say, "Oh, I'm an idiot. Sorry. Oh, I'm an idiot. Sorry." Like you are an idiot and you are sorry. Don't get me started with sorry. That word is misused every day by everyone I bump into. Okay, I have to get started just for a second. Okay, just bear with me. This I promise you may help you or enlighten you because this is what I teach my students. For example, you go into a grocery store and you reach over to grab something near another customer. The first thing they do, what do they say? Oh, I'm sorry. And they move and they think they're being polite, but they're actually telling their subconscious that they don't deserve to be there. Searching, and someone else deserves to. And I know that can sound harsh, but sometimes you have to cut straight through the noise and realize this is what's happening. And now I, I have apologized. Trust me, I apologize a lot for my silly mistakes in life. But the only way I'm saying sorry if I'm out in public Is if I step on your toe or I bump you by accident. But if I'm there and you're there, I'm gonna finish what I need to do, grab this whatever. I had cereal yesterday, so, uh, I grabbed the cereal box off— that's funny, I'm all— I'm a health nut grabbing some cereal. But hey, you know, I like snacks too sometimes, and it was a pretty clean one apparently. So I grab it off the shelf. And then I walk away. I don't— if someone's next to me, I don't have to say I'm sorry. That's it. I'd rather crack a joke than say I'm sorry. So this is another awareness tip in your life. Are you saying the word sorry too much? Look into it. Prove me wrong. This is not theory. This is science proven with so many studies, so many books. The sources all say the same thing. Your subconscious is listening always. All right, let's hit up a couple new tools and then we'll ask you a challenge for your week. Next tool, number 3: if you weren't scared, what would you do? That kind of goes back to if it was easy, what would have to happen? Or if it was easy, what would I do? So think about that. It forces your brain to bypass the excuses. This is when you need your experimenter mindset on, like, "Ooh, what if I didn't have anxiety about walking up on a stage and sharing something I care about? Hmm. What would it be like? I'd walk up there, and I would just be excited to see the faces, and I would talk, and." They'd probably laugh. And it's— it can be simple, but you have to ask the question and go even further. Write it down. Journaling is so key, and I'll be saying that until my last breath, because whenever I journal, I just feel better and everything gets clearer. Okay, number 2— tool number 4. I'm excited this episode. It's late while I'm recording this, and I get this energy later at night, which is strange for most, but normal for me. Okay, tool 4. What would future me beg me to do? What would your future self that's excited, that's happier, that has the best relationships— what would that future you beg you to do? Your future identity is the best director of your current one. Your future identity is the best director of your current one. Think about yourself like the best parent that has ever lived, and they're in the future seeing what you are. The greatness that you deserve to be. And then they're talking back to you and saying, hey, listen, Tony, you need to share that message. They need to hear it. So just walk up on that stage and have fun and share the message that can change the world. I know that was a big statement, but that's what I would want my future me, that's my best parent to myself. I would want that message to be said and spread. So I'm getting at this on a deeper level because the truth— we have all this fear, right? The reason you don't act on the thing you know you should is you're afraid. Why? Yes, we talked about the old brain. That happens. We don't want to feel like an idiot. We don't want to feel like we're not enough. We don't want to feel like we're not loved. But that's the thing. If you don't love yourself deeply— and I had to learn how to love myself for a decade straight, pushing, figuring out why I don't. And when I finally did, it was so much easier to not be afraid. It was so much easier to listen to my future self that says, hey, just do it, see what happens, be the experimenter, and then you'll get to the other side and you can say, wow, I did it. 1, 2, wow, this is what happened. And usually it's for the good. I grew. Even though it was hard. Think about that the next time you have a debate, the next time FUD— that fear, that uncertainty, that doubt— hits you in the face. Because when you do, when you ask those questions and answer those questions, you have an identity shift. I'm telling you, you have an identity shift into the new world, the new character. The new you, the authentic best version of you. And I know when I tap into that person, oh, I feel good. I'm in joy. I'm the laughy guy. I'm walking around having fun, high-fiving people on the street that I don't know. That is where I want to be. And hey, we can't be there every hour of every day, but we can find the joy and feel that at least every day. For part of our day, okay? So that is the challenge for you: to work those tools, journal about them, figuring it out through written word, verbal word, and make that identity shift. So here's the official challenge just to make it clear. Ask yourself, what are you debating right now? Ask yourself, what are you feeling? Fear, uncertainty, or doubt? Are the Terminators closing in? Does this feel like it's something you're gonna lose if you move forward? Does it feel like something you're gonna be afraid to, to partake in because there's so much work and you don't want to get hurt or you don't want to mess up? Or is it that third Terminator that makes you feel like, what if it doesn't work out? What if you try your best and it just doesn't work and you put everything you had in? What is it for you? Find it and fight the FUD. Ask those, those permission slip tools that I was giving you. It's giving you permission to move forward because really you're not stuck. You're in the debate. That means you're close. So don't forget All it takes is that one decision to move forward, and that could change your whole day. And that one commitment to continue, that could change your life. All right, that was it today. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to remind you that a lot of these concepts are structured with frameworks in my upcoming book. Direct Your Life or Someone Else Will. It's releasing soon. If you're listening to this in the future, it's probably out. Go to tonysuriano.com/book, and you can go there right now and sign up for my newsletter to get updates on the book, behind the scenes, all these cool things and tools I'm coming up with, with free resources for you so you can stay on track, you can direct your life, you can have more fun. You can live in joy and feel the magic all around. So check that out, tonysuriano.com/book. And I am excited that you are listening to this show. So if you're loving it as much as I'm loving you being here, please go to the Apple Podcast and review the show for me. It means a lot and it helps Apple spread the show around so others can start directing their lives like you are as well. That's it. You know what to do. Ask these questions, answer these questions, and— Live your life better than any movie by directing your life.