Learning to Live Beyond What I've Done

Hey, this is Tim, and welcome to the Student Life Podcast, where we explore the everyday challenges and big questions of life through a biblical lens while navigating the realities of a secular world. Enjoy. Yo, what up, family? So I'm your host, Tim Pratt Jr., and this is a bonus episode. I still have one slided For the first Thursday of November, but I wanted to get on here and hey look, life is ministry. I believe that we are all living epistles. Yes, we have the word of God. Also too, some of us will be the only word that a lot of people will ever read that hopefully will point them to the Bible and our life looks like Christ. I'm not talking about being perfect by any means. But we should be faithful. We should strive to look like Christ. It's a quote out there is like, why ain't Jesus? I get it. I get the heart of the quote, but that shouldn't stop us or be an excuse to look like Jesus, to strive. Okay, this episode. So it did come from a place. I'm not going to necessarily speak to that per se, but it did come from a place and I've sat with it and I was just asking God just to give a little context. Like I said, it's going to be raw, very transparent. Most of you that track with me know That, that's the heart of my ministry, uh, not this, this fake transparency. I wrestle with things through my penmanship, through ministry, through speaking in day-to-day. Like, that's just what it is. It's no gimmicks, it's no games. I just, uh, hey, you know, I'm here. Uh, but this one is going to be, uh, probably one of the most blunt and one of the most probably like up-in-your-face type, like, not— it's not— I shouldn't say up-in-your-face, but, but very raw, very raw, very candid. And it's going to be about me, uh, my life. And I believe, as I was in prayer, actually, uh, I, I want to say, like, I had to get permission from my wife on this one. I did. I was like, hey babe, uh, like, you know, considering recent events, I don't want to make this as a response to that. But I, as I was in prayer, I believe God is Teaching me how to use that to speak broadly, and I don't know. I was like, it's just a compelling to share this because I think we're going to hit two different sides of the coin with this. I don't know. So I'm gonna be obedient, and I'm gonna trust God for the outcome. Sometimes I wrestle with it, and I was like, okay, Lord, how should I? And then sometimes like, man, just just go. Just be obedient and trust God for the outcome. So that being said, we're here. We're here. Um, so at my my home church, I dial in every. Tuesday at 6 PM where we do Brotherhood/Sisterhood. And about 2 to 3 weeks ago on our Brotherhood night, we— I think we were concluding, maybe we were concluding, or we had one left. We was dealing with a theme of leading yourself, leading ourselves, leading yourself. And, um, Maurice, man, he had asked a question, uh, in the, in the heart of Uh, what was it, like our past and wrestle with that and how are we, you know, moving forward to our— in our future. But it was something dealing with like something we can— we wrestle with, I believe. And in that, because it was a safe space, I was able to share parts of my past. And one of the things I talked about is, uh, my manipulating ways. Like I was— if Paul said that he's about being a chief sinner, I figured I was like— I was a chief manipulator. Even when people, even when people saw me manipulating, I still felt like I can manipulate them. Like, that's the crazy thing. And I was just to the point where it's like, I believe that that's, that was my identity. Like, I was walking in it. Like, I believe if it's possible to manipulate yourself, I was manipulating myself. Like, that is who I was. I lied, I deceived, I hurt people. I broke up homes. I damaged relationships. And this is the thing, some people, what I was saying is like, okay, yeah, yes, God has forgiven me, that's under the blood. But what I have to wrestle with at times, and sometimes it's, it's, I have days, is that some people still carry the pain from my actions. Uh, it's not funny, man. It's, it's, some people will probably forever carry that pain. I don't know, I don't want them to, like, that's, I don't want them, but it's like I've been on both ends of that. And so I know what it is to carry pain. I know it is to want to let the pain go, and it seems like you can't. And it's this act of continuation. It's like this continuum of man, like, it's like everything is going good, then memories, flashbacks, all this stuff comes back and it's like, oh crap. And it's almost as if we're living in that moment all over again. And if we don't deal with this, like, it just— you build ruts and it will come out in our behavior even when we don't want it to. It was times I was like, even I would ask, like, something would pop off and like, oh man, where'd that come from? And that's that's so that that's that like we're carrying pain. But anywho, it was I was saying like you know it's some people that still carry the pain of my actions. But at the same time, confession was necessary. But hear me, confession was not the end of the work. I'm gonna say it again: confession was necessary, but confession was not the end of the work. Image became everything. It wasn't so much as caught up on really striving to say man, I wanna I wanna die to this. My image. Has become an idol in my life. My image is what I care about the most. That is what I was serving. I wanted to be projected a certain way, and I literally, truthfully would start to believe the lies that I was telling. Like, this is the danger. That's a whole nother episode, but this is the danger of self-deception. And you've heard me say this before, uh, one of, one of the, like, Dr. Virginia is just phenomenal. Like, self-deception is the worst deception. Now that she's not saying I'm, I'm— she wasn't quoting Bible there, but that's what she had taught us in our counseling class when I was working on my counseling degree in seminary side, about Bible college or whatever you want to call it. Uh, but I— but again, I— that's what I was telling the guy. So, um, protecting my image became everything. And if someone threatened that, if someone threatened that image, my image, it would lead to manipulation and dishonesty. Like, again, because I did whatever it took to uphold the image. And man, I— again, I had served this I would do anything to protect that. But all the lies, all the discords out there, it was like telling the story to cover up another story and hoping that I wouldn't be found out. And then when I would build relationships and with people, uh, that I was like, I really want to be genuine with, genuine with, and I was like, man, I don't want to keep living like this. But I was like, if they knew all of this, man, bro, like, I, I'm like, uh, so I just I hit it. And so anywho, that was hard for me. And then I think the fact that like, you know, just go ahead and move on from this point, is nobody was exempt. And when I say nobody, nobody was exempt. Like it will come at the expense of anybody. And I'm not proud to say that, but it's the truth. I mean, it could be my parents, it could be at the time like my girlfriend, which is now my wife. It could be at my kids, it could be at friends, it could be at who Whoever I needed to use as a pun to stay and protect the image, I would do it. And man, and and God, oh my God! Thank I just thank God for Jesus, man. But I thank the Lord that yes, as much as I want to say I had this moment in Holy Spirit arrested my heart and it led to confession, no, it did not happen that way. I wish it did, but it didn't happen that way, uh, because it was a lot of people that I deeply loved that I hurt. And then it was people that, you know, I just hurt. I wouldn't say I loved them like in a romantic sense or like how I love my parents or stuff like that, but it was, um, you know, it was just a godly love. Well, I can't even say godly because I was a manipulator, but it was just, hey man, like, I don't really have no problem with you, but you're going to get manipulated. But what happened is, uh, God, man, he just— I believe that he started allowing things to happen. He allowed things to happen that, uh, I had to come face to face with it. And I think where I'm most thankful at is that that was so painful when all this stuff started coming out. And some stuff I still held, and I eventually grew— got the courage to come out with it, but I was just thankful, man, that I had a whole new meaning of what covering was. And what I mean by that is to have a space, man, where you can confess things to people and it hurts, you're crying, and you don't know, like, man, do they— I don't even know if they see me different. I don't know. But everything they showed me, it's like, hey, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna get through this. We're gonna walk with you. We're gonna get this. And my God, was my wife one of the biggest— my parents, my, my parents and my in-laws, oh man, phenomenal. My wife, she shocked me, y'all. And I literally say, okay, this— I'm not trying to compare her to the grace of God in a biblical sense, but if I had to say, man, if this is what grace feels like, hey, thank you, Jesus. Thank you. So she walked that thing out with me, uh, and I'm not saying it was still a journey. It was still a journey, but we'll get in it. And so, uh, that— but that's, that's the danger, the danger of being unhealthy while trying to protect the image, because we see everything through a distorted lens. We, we don't— like, we can't even see ourselves clearly, so how can we see others clearly? Like, let's sit with it. We can't even see ourselves clearly, so how can we see others clearly? How can we even be genuine? How can we really receive the wisdom of the Lord when we're more so prone to an image that we're trying to protect. So yeah, so I had to confess. I had to confess what I've done, but I still— this is the thing— but I still had to learn how to live beyond what I've done. Oh Jesus, this is heavy. I still had to live beyond what I had done. So What did that look like? What did that look like for me? Confession, here I am, I'm exposed, I'm vulnerable, all this type of stuff. We can see it in James 5:16. You know, we know the context of that is that James is addressing prayer, confession, sin, and restoration, you know, within the community of believers. He's talking to believers. The passage is not like— this passage doesn't promise every emotional wound immediately disappears after confession. That's not what he's saying. But in the context, he's talking about that there's a blessing in this. This is community. Like, we need this. I believe this is what he's showing, that, hey, prayer, confession, sin, restoration, this all takes place within a community of believers. So in other words, that, hey, you all need each other to heal. You need each other to heal. Yes, prayer is amazing. We should always start there. We should end there. We should be doing it all the time. But you also need other believers to do this thing with. Because the enemy— my father-in-law, he said the enemy doesn't fight fair. We need other believers. So sometimes, yes, it sucks, because especially when we keep things in the context of the local church, it's like, man, they hurt me over there. But it's just amazing because sometimes, yes, the church, the body, especially when it's unhealthy, it can hurt people. But the beauty is when you work with healthy people and they are mature and they're looking like Christ, these people can also walk alongside you and help you heal. And so this is where confession comes in. Like, it's just, it's beautiful. So confession for me, like, it brought things into the light. So here it is, I'm exposed again, I'm vulnerable. It's almost like somebody comes in your room, it's been pitch black, and they turn the light in your eye. You know, it's like, wow, okay, it's out now. So it's a relief from that, but then in that relief, we can't even fully embrace— well, I don't want to speak for everybody else. I couldn't fully embrace it because it's also like, Okay, what does people think about me? How they look at me now? Was this too bad? Is it too sick? You know, whatever. And it's, you know, this is what's going on in my mind. So it's like, that's out now. But then it's the damage, it's the pain, it's the fallout, it's all this stuff that we have to look at and deal with. Because yes, in that moment, um, Jesus, he said, hey, well, you're forgiven and you confessed it and all that type of stuff, repented. Yes, but that does not negate that it might be still consequences, natural consequences from behind that. So again, like, man, about— it was a little bit before 5 years. My confession was before that. But as far as healthy, when I talk about life after that, about 5 years ago, I realized I needed to get healthy. And even in that process, it was still a process. But I realized I need to get healthy. Because although everything was out there, uh, well, the last confession was out there, um, it didn't automatically undo healthy, unhealthy patterns. Let me say that again. It didn't automatically stop or go back and erase the unhealthy patterns that I had cultivated. Like, again, my past, it affected— it, it affected how I saw myself, my marriage, my children. You heard me say this. In all type of relationships and friendships and acquaintances. Like, it did, because I, I would go in and out and wrestle with, um, I would go in and out and how, like, I had been viewing life through what I've done. It would just be like, okay, man, and it was rough. So I was like, okay, now, Lord, I'm struggling with how do I live differently? How do I live in this, this pursuit of faithfulness? How, how do I live this life? That, that is where my struggle was. And so this is where prayer, prayer and scripture, yes, is essential. It, it, it, it kicked off everything. The power of the Holy Spirit conviction, me asking, confessing things, crying over and over and over, saying, God, I am striving, but I just don't know. I keep having flashbacks and hiccups. This keeps showing up in how I'm treating my wife. It keeps showing up sometimes in how I'm treating my kids. It keeps showing up in like how I respond to my parents and other believers. Why does this keep showing up? God, I, I, I, I went to your word. I'm praying. I'm asking it. It's honest questions, and finally it was just like, okay, I think I might need professional help, but I want a biblical counselor. I want a biblical counselor because I want someone that can yes understand me from the psychological standpoint, mentally all of that, but I also want them to hold scripture in his high the highest authority. And so now here it is: this honest community, wise counsel, cultivating accountability systems, and continuous confession. That is what helped. That is what helped. Let me say that again: confessing a behavior and addressing the pattern that contributed to it—they are related, but they are not identical. I'm gonna say that again: confessing a behavior and addressing the patterns that contributed to it. They are related, but they are not identical in the way I understand it. They are not. In other words, what I'm saying is that we have to continuously do the work. Becoming healthy for me was learning how to take responsibility without believing that I can control every outcome. And what I mean by controlling outcome is that I had to be okay where some bridges might not be crossed back over again. Some people might not ever see me the same again. It goes back to that thing. Some people will forever see me through that lens. Some marriages will never get back together again, and I had to be okay with that. It's a, it's a tension to a degree that it's like, man, I just Like, I still see images from time to time. I— that, that what came out of that, the promiscuous lifestyle, you all have talked— I've talked about it. I, again, I had a porn addiction. Let's keep it raw, bro, 100. The master— all this type of stuff, masturbation, um, wandering eye, all of this type of stuff, it was there. It's just like a cycle. And man, that, that, that sucked. Um, there's a lot of other things too, like just, you know, the drinking and stuff. And, um, just, yeah, man. Um, I'm sorry, I'm kind of zoning out because I'm— but anywho, uh, but again, like, freedom doesn't erase consequences. So, so, so where are we getting at? So first We have to understand that it is, man. I believe that we have to have genuine repentance. So a lot of times I would say, hey, I repent, will you forgive me? Also, I didn't mean it, man. My heart was literally to go do the same thing. My mind was there. It was go back and repeat the same thing. But it has to be genuine repentance and asking for forgiveness. And then it's learning how to walk in that forgiveness. We do, we do. Genuine repentance and walk forgiveness. If you can, make amends. Make amends where it's appropriate. Try to. But you gotta also sit with this: some people might not want to make amends. It takes two people to amend something. If that person doesn't want to amend, that's where I go back to say, "Hey, I I can't control the outcome. I had to be okay with that." And that's I wish I had some polished up way to say it to you, but. It's just a, like, you gotta keep going. And it hurts, it probably, and some of you might be saying, nah, it don't hurt me, I did what I did. And then some people's like, nah, man, I wish that. So again, I can't say which end of the spectrum you on. You might be a little bit more balanced, but that's, you have to move on and strive. Another thing I would say is that Man, because this is where I think we really get tripped up. I think we have to consistently live in a way that demonstrates change. We have to consistently live in a way that shows the fruit that we have done the work or are putting in the work. We have to consistently live in a way that shows evidence. And some of us just don't have a long enough track record. We don't. It's like, I've asked for forgiveness, I genuinely repented, I tried to make amends, and then— but you right back to doing the same thing. I'm not here to judge, but it's like, why? Why would someone trust you? Why would someone want to make amends with you when you keep doing the same thing over and over and over? And I think that's a little bit of willpower. But anywho, I'm neither here nor there on that right now, uh, but that's something that we have to think about. And it's also true that, again, some people on the other side of that will remain hurt. They will never— they was like, bro, I don't want to— I don't care if you look like Jesus for 10 years, I don't want any relationship. I don't want nothing to do with you. I don't want anything to be restored. I don't. I have nothing for you. You hurt me deeply. I, I— And they could, they could be saying, hey, and, and we can get in here and say, oh well, how can they say— I, I don't, I don't, I don't tell people how they should feel. Now again, I do believe that the Holy Spirit can bring 2 people. I know it's possible, trust me. I, I can't go into the details, but I know it's possible. But I also say this, look, my wife and I are living witness of it, man. Most of the stuff that my wife and I have been through, and honestly, I contributed about 80%, 85%, 90% of, if not 95%. I'll be like, it's not even trying to just make her— no, like seriously, uh, I don't think a lot of marriages and families Um, I don't think, bro, that's all I say. I'll leave it at that, leave it at that, because I'm not going to get too much in the weeds of that. But we wouldn't— you can read between the lines, but, and whatever you need to paint or say or fill in, but, um, they wouldn't have made it for him. But so that's how I know it's possible. It's very possible. But however, at the same time My wife had every right to say, "Hey, I think you're an amazing person. You're doing good, but I can't do it." I could have friends to say, "Hey man, Tim, you know you you dude. I see the fruit. I see the evidence. But bro, I just can't do it. I can't I can't walk. I just can't do with you, man. It just reminds me of too much." And again, here it is. I have to be okay with that. I'll still live in a posture that it's a possibility. But it might not ever be on this side of heaven. I don't know. Hey, you know, feel free to disagree, but that's just how I kind of see it and understand it as of right now. Because we cannot demand forgiveness from anyone. And last thing, we cannot rewrite history. We cannot rewrite history. It matters. Yes, it's under the blood. What the things that we have done in our life is under the blood, but it doesn't rewrite history with someone else. So again, and I think this is probably if you don't hear nothing else I say in this episode, please hear this: We can be genuinely free in Christ while acknowledging that someone else may still be living. With the consequences of what we've done. I'm gonna say that again. I, I'm gonna put I. I can be genuinely free in Christ while acknowledging that someone else may still be living with the consequences of what I've done. Both realities matter. They do. And that's, now that's a tension. That is a tension right there in itself. And, and this is the thing where I think we have to get— because this is the other side of it. Because you might be saying, well, man, you know, but this is again, don't fall into the trap of continually, uh, punishing yourself to demonstrate that, hey, I apologize, I apologize. Some of you might say I'm sorry, it's just a nature of it. You just, you just keep up. I'm not doing that. I'm not gonna do that. I used to do that a lot. I'm not doing that because again, I go back, man, about 5, almost 6 years into therapy. I'm not doing that. But also too, freedom shouldn't become an excuse to dismiss someone else's pain. So again, remember when I said it doesn't— I can't dictate how people should feel things. I can't, not at all. And so that, that's part of why I personally don't see healing as something I simply like just finished 5 years ago. I don't see healing as something that like, oh, I'm going to counseling or therapy now. I see healing as like this just ongoing continuation. I do. Like Ephesians 4:22, uh, I believe— what is it, 22 through 32? When Paul is teaching believers how their new life in Christ should reshape, like, our everyday conduct and relationships. Go spend some time in that in a day. It's, it's that intentionality. Hey, we got to put off the old self. Yes, the Holy Spirit is working within us, but it's also something that we have to strive to do. We have to be renewed in our thinking. Renewing the mind. Look, just a couple of days ago, my mind almost went there. Like, it go in and out. Now over the last week, bro, I'm telling you. But I'm like, hey Tim, hey, that man, that nature, hey, kill it. Don't play with it, kill it. Because I tell people all the time, I've never, this is outside of just the struggle. Like, I used to have like real deal anger issues, bro. Like, for real, for real. And it was like a quiet anger. Like, I was the type, like, I ain't never claimed to be nothing. I, I know people, I ran with certain people, that was their life. I never tried to pretend to be them, none of that. But I also wasn't like no scary dude either. Like, never been scary, but I've never been allowed, like, you know, just whatever. Or I've never been just a dude. It's not even about being Either way, I'm it's I've never been a just like oh like Tim just intimidates me. Like I like I'm not gonna sit up here like oh you know like I was just this big dude like whatever man. I was most of my life probably into the last couple years man. I probably was five ten whatever buck thirty five like whoa like you know but it's like all of that. I you know grew up in Pine Bluff, Arkansas of course, but I never was. Just scary at heart, but I also was very calculated and, um, and, and just, just stuff like that. And so, but what would happen is like, I used to tell myself, I was like, bro, if death is the only thing that— let me, let me say this— I used to be like, if the only thing is death, if that's my greatest consequence of carrying out what I need to carry out, for the most part, like, I know you can say, oh, you can get— go to jail, whatever. I'm just telling you how my mind was thinking. I'm like, Oh, okay, cool, I'm carrying it out. That, like, I can go to a very dark place, and I've probably in my, only in my life, I've probably been there 2 times in my whole life. And I don't know, because I don't know what I'm capable of. I don't promise, I'm not gonna, that's why I don't get into like, I'm gonna do this, do that. I don't know. But it's like that nature, it dies. The only thing, if I had to lay down my life for my family or protect myself, That's, that's probably it. Or, you know, trying to protect like someone that's innocent or, you know, defenseless or something like that. But what I'm trying to say is that that nature, I, I kill it. I gotta kill it because there's nothing good in it. Nothing good in it. And so I renew my mind and, and I strive to wrestle with it. Like sometimes it wants to come. And I'm like, ah, you know, man, this is— this, this will destroy everything. And so I have to just— I have to pray, I have to get in the word, I have to get in wise counsel. And, and sometimes people catch me in the middle of the wrestling match, and it's just now, okay, what type of counsel am I getting? How are they helping me, or are they adding fuel to it? So I have to be selective of who's in my ear gates, what I'm entertaining. I have to wrestle with this because this is a part of that ongoing healing. It's not always just sexual stuff. It's anything that wants to exalt itself above Christ and get us to live a life that's not pleasing to him. I have to tell the truth instead of lying to myself. This is why, like, one of the biggest things with growth is things hurt. So when people bring me something or whatever, I don't always handle it the best every single time. But I strive to own it. My homeboy Derek Boyd, he said that it's this thing he work on, say, I receive that. And that's the posture I'm striving to live in. Hey, now, when I say I receive that, that doesn't mean that I can deal, like wrestle with it in real time and just give it, might take some time, but I receive that. I'm gonna work on it, I'm gonna come back to it, and we're gonna talk about it. It's the truth instead of lying to ourselves. We need the truth. We have to feed on the truth. Um, I've— again, I've learned how to— I'm learning, and I've learned— I'm learning how to handle anger differently. I'm self-controlled. I'm striving to be regulated, uh, the fruit of the Holy Spirit, like patience, because I know on the other side of that, I don't really have a gray area. I was just telling my wife this the other day. I don't— like, either I'm like gonna be mellow Or it's going to 100. Now, like in that process, it's kind of gray, but it's like, okay, look, bring this down. I'm praying internally. But, you know, like that's the same thing with women and certain things I don't have. So it's like certain stuff I just can't watch. I don't entertain it because even if I get through it that first time, like my wife, it's been certain things that we have watched. We thought, you know, because, you know, it's like people on Netflix saying, watch this, watch this. And then literally my wife's like, uh-uh, close your eyes. I'm like, bro, I am like 33, 34. I'm 36 now. But why are you covering my face up with a pillow or skipping past it? But my wife knows I need that. That's covering. I told y'all, bro, this is raw. I'm sorry, I probably just yelled in your ear. This is raw. Like, I— like, I— this is— this is what God gave me. Uh, but I've learned how to handle anger differently. Uh, again, I'm around speech that builds up, speech— speech that confronts me. Um, kindness and forgiveness. Again, striving to be kind. Like, kindness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. And then I just believe over time that that transformation shows up in relationships. And, uh, so I, I just, man, I just want to encourage you as we come to the end, as I say, like, land this plane. Um, and just, just make sure you have some people in your life that you have validated, because you can't share everything with everybody. So too many people have sunroofs. Like, I've genuinely tried to work with people And bro, they wasn't genuine on their end, and it hurts. And I should have been using wisdom. I got caught up in compassion. Um, but just because they were false don't mean you should stop, because that is actually people out there that really want it and they really want that help. And so just strive and say, okay God, I missed that one. Help me with more wisdom, discernment. I'm actually reading this book, matter of fact. I can't— well, I'm about to. Um, it's dealing with friendships, and this guy's like taking you through, uh, how to know, you know, you can't— you can't have the same level of depthness. And I've treated that even recently, like I've tried to go very deep with people, uh, that again I thought I was building a genuine bridge with, uh, and it wasn't. And then there's been people recently that I've been building a genuine bridge with, and I mean, I'm like, man, 2, 3 sit-downs. Going back to my, uh, one of— 2 of my Friends right now that are— uh, 3, 3 outside of my brother Terrell, uh, and some, some, you know, uh, you got, uh, another minister that I talked to. But man, my brother Maurice, uh, my bro Derek, my bro Caleb, man, like, I'm like, bro, I can— I feel like I can tell them guys anything and confess anything, and it's just like, it's— they're there. And then there's other people that I'm not going to say their names, but it's like, bro, oh wow. Need to watch that. Gotta be more careful. Um, and so again, but we need those spaces where it's ongoing confession. It's just that remaining accountable, uh, again, seeking wise counsel, seeking wise counsel, man, that wise counsel, Jesus Christ, I could do a whole podcast on it. But, and just recognizing again those unhealthy patterns, because sometimes we do And even all of that, like, sometimes we just need professional help that still can be in the body of Christ. Like, that's the thing. There are professional counselors and therapists and psychiatrists and all of that, doctors that can help get us specialized help, and we can still do life with our pastor and a brother or sister in Christ. It's a multitude of people. No one person should be carrying everything in our lives. I'm gonna say it again. No one person should be carrying everything in our lives. So again, man, look, I was a crazy manipulator. Master manipulator, what I like to say. I feel like I was one of the, the best of them. I do. Very promiscuous lifestyle for a season. I told my wife the other day, like, bro, serial adulteress. Like, I, I'm not— it's not funny because I, I know I hurt and stuff, but I, you know, I just— that's just what I was. I— it's out there. It's nothing like— I've never shied away from this. Um, and I don't even get into what the other person did or didn't do, uh, in these type of friendships or relationships or whatever. It's not— because that's, that's the whole part of healing and healthy. I'm just like, hey, I, I look at what I did and that's all I could control. The anger Real deal anger issues, where it's like this dude is crazy. Like he, he like just quiet and oh wow, where in the world, where in the world did that come from? Like this is who I feel like I could have been if it wasn't for Christ. I would not be the man that I am today, man, if I would have stayed and didn't do the work and lean in and wrestle with these things. Because it's the reach, man. And so I, I know the power of God. Again, I've said it earlier. I'm not talking about perfection. I'm not saying I don't have wrestling matches, but most people that know me, like even my language now, I'm like, hey man, I'm, I'm wrestling with something. I've said this when my wife was deployed, how I had to do certain things and take things to the extreme, but I'm gonna submit and I'm gonna surrender by any means necessary. I'm gonna surrender and submerge myself under what God is saying. And sometimes it is hard as heck. But I'm gonna do it. So again, I once— I just— I, I was a manipulator to protect my image. But even to this day, I still have an awareness that, yes, thank God for the Holy Spirit. Thank God for community. Thank God for his word. Thank God for prayer. Thank God for my wife and my children and my parents and my in-laws and just, just my friends, my family, man. I thank God for all of them. But even in it, I still have to pay attention to my heart. And the, the only way that I can get the most accurate reading on, um, my heart and knowing where to refine it and retune it is in his word and being around other believers. That is, that's what I believe. I don't declare that I've arrived. I never will. Never have, never will until I'm in my glorified body. Right now I'm in this sanctification process. I don't use it as an excuse because some of us do, and let's not do that. You know you need to do the work. You know you need to zone in in the area. So let's do it. Let's not hide behind sanctification. But until I reach my glorified state, it's going to be a wrestling match. It's going to be a wrestling match, and some wrestling matches are harder than others. Sometimes through the power of God, I can put that joker down in a minute. Sometimes, bro, we tussling for days. Like, yeah, that's it, man. And so I just, I just want to, I just want to continue to look more like Christ. I want to handle situations like Christ. Sometimes you have to eat things that you don't want to eat. Sometimes you have to take licks that you don't want to take. Um, and that's just what it is. That's a part of it. It's hard, but either I can look like myself and not really point people to who I desire to point them to, or I can look like Jesus, the person that I say, hey, I want you to look like too. Not Tim Pratt, but I want you to look like Jesus. And so yeah, man, that's where we at. So again, like I told you, um, some things had happened and I was just asking God to— man, how can you use this for your glory? How can I reach a broader audience without Just focusing on that one thing. And I believe God gave me this episode, and it's probably— it's probably gonna give me a message, and I'm gonna probably write some things. And man, I just— I'ma trust God. And so if you know anyone that's just wrestling with any of this, you like this episode, hit them. And I'm asking you, I'm challenging you just to send it to one person. Say, hey, if you haven't listened to nothing else, put them on 2x speed or whatever. I remember my bro Maurice and I joke about this. Put it on 2x speed and just get through it. Amen. I mean, I pray that they just find one thing and have a conversation, because again, man, God loves us, and man, he is working in us. He's working in me. I'm still growing, I'm still learning. I'm grateful for what God has done and what he continues to do in my life. I am, man. I'm happy that a lot of relationships have been restored and amends have been made. And for the ones that haven't, man, I just— I'm still praying for them as well. And, uh, and so, man, I just— yeah, so sometimes, you know, I'll just say that we, we think a lot about ministry and what we do for people, and I get it, but I'm also learning that how we live with people, it's one of the most important parts of our ministry too. Like, I know that fundamentally, but I'm learning it on a deep— I mean, God is teaching— look, he's been teaching your boy that for For a long time, but it's been even more clear when I say like on my job and my personal life and ministry, like whatever. I have been— I feel like I've been getting hit pretty dang hard. Um, I mean, just from— yeah, I'll leave it at that. Professionally, like just the things I'm taking on and doing, it's like, man, and God's just refining. I just find myself over and over and over. Lord, I need you. Lord, I need you. So just remember, confession matters. Repentance matters. Healing takes intentionality. Community matters. Lord Jesus, community matters. Accountability— that is not a curse word, is not a profanity. Accountability matters. Freedom. Freedom in Christ does not erase our responsibility. And becoming like Christ is ongoing. It is an ongoing process. So I'll close you with this thought and give you a question just to meditate on so we can wrap this up. I am truly grateful, man, and I say this with my whole heart. I am truly grateful for the freedom that I've experienced in Christ. I am also grateful that God didn't leave me where I was. I'm telling you, man, I'm just— as I talk this episode, it's just I can see it more through a healthier place. But I want to, and I want to keep becoming healthy. Again, this is a continuation because the people God has entrusted in my life— and I primarily, I think about a lot of people, but I really think about my wife and my kids on this one— because the people God has entrusted in my life They deserve to experience the fruit of the Holy Spirit in me. They deserve to experience the fruit of that work is what I'm trying to say. So for real, I'll leave you with this this time. Have you confessed what you've done but avoided confronting What helped produce it? I'm gonna ask that again. Have you confessed what you've done but avoided confronting what helped produce it? Because if you won't confront it, it's gonna keep showing up. If you won't confront it, it's gonna have you. If you don't confront it, it's gonna blind you. If you don't confront it, it's probably going to literally kill everything around you. Think about that. Love y'all, man. Praying for you. Be blessed. Thanks for joining me today on the Student Life Podcast. And remember, learning never stops and wisdom grows as we seek truth in both scripture and life. And until next time, keep walking faithfully and thinking deeply. Be bliss.