107: Stop Judging, Start Helping

If I had a leader ask me to narrow down everything to one principle that would shift their entire culture and how their team operates, it would be this: stop judging and start helping. Welcome back to the Reality-Based Leadership Podcast. I'm Alex Dorr, CEO at Reality-Based Leadership, and today We're diving into a key principle of reality-based leadership. Stop judging, start helping. And where this came up is I was just with a group that was going through the key principles of reality-based leadership. And someone came up excited about the content and they said, Alex, this was great. This was incredible. But I just wish that Jim was here to hear this. And this is where I noticed, and it happens a ton where people move from taking in some of the information, the concepts, and what could be helpful for them to shift how they lead, to address some things that are challenges in their team and have a different approach to it. And throughout the whole session, they're thinking of the one person that really needs to be there. That's not them. They are judging that person instead of looking at how could they help this person. And this pattern, this temptation is really, really prevalent in leadership today. I'm not kidding. A lot of times I introduce this concept and then I make a joke. I say, we could stop right here. And the action plan could be everyone goes for 3 months and tries to notice every single time they or their teams or the meeting is focused on judging and why it won't work and why we shouldn't have to instead of helping. And if every single one of those moments, someone calls a timeout and says, I think we're into judgment here. I think I caught it. Let's shift and do some reflection into what could we do to help in the short term, the midterm, and the long term. We would be in such a better place. I often call it a better workplace and a better world place. And so let's look at this idea of stop judging, start helping. Why is it so important? Many of us can, can feel that in our own lives, but the moment you start judging is the very moment you actually stop serving. You stop leading, you stop adding value because what happens is when you take a situation or a challenge, or what I often call an unpreferred reality, and you add on judgment, assignments of motive, a story that's usually negative, you then get out of a clear space as a leader. You often see your reaction is not a neutral reaction or a reaction of absorbing and understanding and even empathy. It is like, oh my gosh, seriously, this happened again. And how could they do that to us? And this is absolutely ridiculous. And the moment I shift in my energy like that and the judgment piles on and I believe the judgment and I go down the spiral, so go my team because where the leader goes, so goes the team. And so the moment I start judging and I get caught off guard and hijacked into that type of thinking, now the rest of the team spirals with me. And so it's actually a little bit of brain science because in our brains, I often say like, if you wanted to get this pen from me and let's say it's a permanent marker and I'm a 2-year-old, the worst thing you can do is grab this thing because I get superhero strength and you could drag me around this room here and you're not going to get it. But if you know the secret hack and how the mind works for 2-year-olds, definitely you, what you do is you offer them something else. So let's imagine this is candy. Which by the way is a secret weapon to do this, but you could offer something else like the remote control or a toy. Now they can't hold 2 things in their mind at once. They're like, dang it, I hate when adults do this. And so they drop one and they take the other. Now you can wait about 20 minutes or so, and they're obsessed with this. They're attached to it. You can then say, well, don't you want the pen or the marker back? And they're like, dang it, I hate when adults do this. And they drop one and they take the other. And I tell this example because it's a simple way to understand the brain science that we're like little 2-year-olds that have grown up, many of us as leaders, as individual contributors, but we can't judge and help at the same time. It's like a binary limitation. So when someone is caught in judging and really arguing with the reality, it's at the appropriate time with some discernment, how can we offer that question of, well, given this, what could we do to help? Is there one thing we could do to contribute to steer it in a new direction? And this offering, this trade is really how you work against really what, what is the judge of all things is the ego, which is the number one source of drama. It's how you offer this trade, get into a better part of our brain. That's all about innovation, collaboration, compassion, benefit of the doubt. But again, you can't judge and help at the same time. So understanding this brain science is why this principle or this mantra As you get it into your teams, I often recommend make it a non-negotiable. And once it's a non-negotiable, that means all levels can call it out. That means there's not any fear to say, hey, you know, I've noticed that we're in a bit of judgment about this client, this situation, uh, you know, this customer, and I'm going to call a timeout and let's just take 10 or 15 seconds. And all of us ask if we're doing the number one thing we could do to help. What would it look like? What would great look like if we weren't judging? And let's step into that. And so this is just mission critical. And I had a high performer once that would come up and tell me everything that wasn't going well with my team, or maybe it's something that, you know, happened over shift change, or it's like, you know, there's a transition phase to the next group coming in and they would share like, here's what I've noticed. Everything else wasn't, everybody else wasn't doing. And so you got a high performer that is now, you know, this is good information, but then I realized that so often they were judging everybody else about what they weren't doing. And it got me thinking that maybe because they're judging and surveilling everything going on, they might be underdoing what they need to be doing. Because once you get over-responsible for someone else's work, you get under-responsible for your own work and you fall behind. And that's the nature of stop judging, start helping, is it gets you back in your lane. And so I remember one of these times I was thinking about this and they were telling me everything that had gone wrong and, and how this person had, you know, um, was doing X, Y, or Z. And I go, you know what? I'm just curious. Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it. 'Cause, you know, this is a situation we got to figure out as a team, but I'm just curious when you notice that, what did you do to help? And it was like, there was this split in the universe. Like I saw them go from like scowling and almost venting into like reflection. It like popped them into a different part of their brain. And they thought about it and they're like, what did I do to help in the moment? I guess I just documented it and I kind of piled it up to go tell you when you came back from your trip. And I go, just so you know, for future reference, that's not so helpful. And so next time, let's think about that question. And when you notice it, go up as a colleague and come in with that, that helpful eye to say, I noticed that this particular approach or this particular behavior is not in our process, or this is against what we know best serves our customers. So I'm just wondering, is there something I could do to help? I'm happy to show you this. You can shadow me. I'm happy to do a call for you so you can listen in and see how we typically handle this type of request. And that erring on the side of helping Instead of judging and then going to almost tattletale to someone else is a much healthier dynamic. And so I just notice, and hopefully you notice with your teams, whenever we have more judging going on and instead of helping, this is where we start to see in your teams silos and that chicken or the egg effect where it's like, was it that department that started, you know, the fight? And then now we're just reacting to that. And it's this never-ending cycle of like who wronged who. Yeah. If you can just drop, you know, the weapons, so to speak, and get into, if we weren't judging and we're looking at what would great look like and what would be most helpful and moving from preferences and who was wronged into potential, what's best for our customers, patients, those we serve. And we step into that, we can reconnect on moving from preference to potential to do what's best for the business or the organization. So this pattern is so big. And I wanted to bring this into like 4 components as we leave here of why I see stop judging, start helping as just bringing that in and just having that written somewhere, um, on a sticky note at the start of your meetings, why it's so powerful is I've seen this transform my experience at work. And then I've seen it shift my life. And then I've seen it when it comes to like innovation, it unlocks amazing innovation on your team or in your life. And the last thing is, this sounds a little bit weird, but it's actually manifested things that I was hoping for with zero effort. It just manifested the goal I was trying to achieve just by sitting in the feeling of stop judging, start helping. So I'll try and rip through these real quick. Now, the first one was a work situation. Remember, I was a young leader and we had an IT conversion that just didn't go as expected and everything seemed like it should have been You know, buttoned up pretty good over the weekend. This should have been a nice, you know, as nice as it could be IT conversion for this update. And over the weekend, come back in, in rushes my team member Dan. And Dan's like, oh my gosh, did you hear what happened over the weekend? I'm like, no, I just got here. Well, it was an absolute disaster. Hear the judgment? It was a nightmare. More judgment. You know, Becky was on the project. She can't manage her way out of a paper bag. I think she was too young to be put as the lead on the project. So I don't know why they picked her over others. Judgment, judgment, judgment. And this is absolutely disaster. We're never going to get caught up. I think we've lost a bunch of leads. We're still trying to sort out what all happened and this whole thing's a mess. And I noticed what I would typically do as a leader is I am a fixer. I get things done. I feel like I can get in there and get my hands dirty and with the team solve anything. So I was about to take that information from a high performer, Dan, and go out and try and fix the situation. It's like, oh my gosh, we got a mess here. And instead of doing that, I turned back and I was working on stop judging, start helping. Because by the way, the person in front of you often needs your help the most. Even though the help needed over here, it seems like most leaders would say the help's over here, but the person in front of you always is the person to coach first. And so I said, you know what, Dan, thank you so much for sharing your love and concern for our colleagues in IT. And you, you mentioned Becky. I love that you're sharing your love and concern. You're really passionate about this. I'm just curious, what have you been doing to help before we go look at this? What have you been doing to help? That question again, the trade. And it really stumped Dan. He got quiet for a second. He goes, well, I guess I got a coffee when I came in. I've been looking for you for about 30 minutes. I was trying to figure out how to tell you all of this. Not helpful. I go, Dan, you know what? That's not so helpful in the future. Remember that question that we've been working on? It's like on the back of our badge. We got it on our papers, our journals is, what can you do to help? Let's go find Becky, see how she's doing. I find Becky and her team. I go, Becky, Dan was just in my office sharing his love and concern for you. Uh, he's got a question he really wants to ask you. And he's like, how can I help? And Becky had some amazing answers. It was incredible. She was like, you know, we When we have those, uh, mandatory meetings that help show, you know, what's the plan here for these updates and your team, um, you know, has been told that they're optional and not everybody shows up, not so helpful. And when we told everyone to be off the system for a couple of hours on Saturday and your team was like 70% on the system, not so helpful. And so I was able to pave the path for the type of teamwork I wanted to see from everyone on my team. With this mantra, this principle of stop judging, start helping. It's like the moment you come to tattle, I'm there to support, but my job's to facilitate the connection. So I don't create the silo. I don't create the drama triangle. And this, although it wasn't perfect, started to get wherever there was concern or struggle, groups talking to each other, helping, not judging and not surveying in that way. And so that was work. Now in life, This really came up because I had an Aunt Sherry. She was lovely, but her job after she retired early was to call all of our family members that she could find and try and stir up drama. So I don't know if you have this person in your life, but that became her role in the family and she was exceptional at it. And so she was calling, she had 7 brothers and sisters, and then I was a nephew. She finally gets to me and I hadn't heard from her in a while. And it's like, oh my gosh, Sherry, what's going on? Good to hear from you. She's like, oh my gosh, did you hear about Brother Terry? My Uncle Terry? I'm like, no, what's going on? I love that guy. How's he doing? Now, why did I say I love that guy? How's he doing? I was trying to set a micro boundary with less judgment because I had a sense when someone calls and says, did you hear what's going on over there? It usually spirals right into judgment and venting. And I go, I love that guy. Now it went right over her head. That's okay. We, we will try again. She goes, well, he's buying a house he can't afford and he's maybe going to be destitute in retirement. I'm like, he's buying a house he can't afford. Uncle Terry, what should we be doing to help? Stop judging. Start helping. I went into problem solving and I go, I got some extra money. I could send him $100 and maybe, you know, if we all pull together, we'll get him through, you know, a phase here. And she missed that as well. And she's like, well, he's going to be destitute in retirement. She said it again. And I go, oh my gosh. And then she keeps going. She goes, and she's got, he's got a new girlfriend that's got a champagne taste on a beer budget. I'm like, oh my gosh, destitute in retirement. And they're bad at budgeting. Sherry, I think you have a nice financial planner because you retired so early. Don't they do webinars or coaching? We could get him set up for a coaching session and we're going to get his budgeting figured out. And literally after 2 stop judging, start helping interactions, attempts, she goes, well, I don't want to get involved in that hot mess. And then I go, oh my gosh, Sherry, what are you doing then for the 4th of July? And I just changed the subject and we didn't talk about it again because this boundary, this, how can we help? We're not going to get into the spiral. And I just try and keep that ready in the workplace, in my life, neighbors, in the world place. To be able to just direct, because that's never a good pathway. And then sure enough, she never called me again. Now some of you're like, well, that's kind of mean. I go, no, I think the judging was actually mean. And we're starting an experiment because I hear a couple weeks later my brother calls. He's like, oh my gosh, Alex, what do I do? Sherry's called me 3 times this week. It's been like 3 hours. Like, what do I do? And I'm like, let me teach you something. It's a simple technique, super loving. But it's called stop judging, start helping. Because when we don't use that mantra well, that principle well, the person that does that a lot goes on to the next enabler, the next person that allows it. And so that's where it can really be powerful in cleaning up your own life and keeping boundaries. Now, 2 more, and then we're out of here. Innovation. I went to a dinner once and it, I didn't realize it at the time, but it turned into a stop judging, start helping experiment. Because the one activity we had was we're going to go to dinner with a bunch of random people and you can't judge the entire time. I'm like, this is really strange. And we were thinking a lot of the judging negative. And so we sit down and you're with a bunch of people and you know how it goes. Like someone, you know, looks up, it was outside. They're like, oh, the stars are so beautiful tonight. And someone goes, uh-uh. Because you tried to start with a positive judgment because the negative ones were obvious. And it's like, nope, there's 3.2 trillion stars, or someone knew the facts there. And so it's like, oh man, we can't even do positive judgments. And then, you know, we're like, someone did it again. They're like, this chicken's really good or juicy. Well, that's positive. And then eventually there's this moment where someone walks by and the outfit to this day, I'm not usually judgy, but you, you could not not spit out your drink when you saw this, like the belt and the shoes and everything didn't match and the hat. Like it was just a wild outfit. And so you did all you could not to judge and talk about this outfit. So then we just sit there because you can't judge. Everybody's in silence. There's a ton of just stillness. We're just reflecting like, man, what can we talk about? And then someone jumps in. They said, I know what we can talk about. I have a kid of mine that's moving out to college and we're going to have an extra room. And I'd like to get back into working out and some yoga. So I'd like to turn it into a gym in our, in our house. And so it's what you want to create in the world. So someone jumps in and says, oh my gosh, you'll never use it. Don't do it. Waste of money. Total screw up if you do that. And we had to say, well, wait a minute, judgment. Because notice judgment, that first comment was going to shut down the innovation with their story about how they've done it before in the past, but this is a new situation. And so it still got silent. And then someone goes, you know what? I have a friend that just met someone that has this business. They come out. They do a consult. They're basically like architects and they'll build you a gym in your budget. And so we got that contact shared. It was incredible. Someone else is like, well, I want to help because one time I was stranded without water and it changed my life forever. I want to get involved for parts of the world that don't have the water they need, or at least clean water. Someone jumps in and says, I know someone at a foundation that this is what they do. Very amazing people. You can get involved. Here's a contact. Here's a phone number. And when the judgment was silenced or was at least put to bed, innovation became our natural state. We weren't small talking. We weren't talking about the weather. We weren't getting into sports. It was really, what do you want to create in the world and how to get there? But so many times we don't realize that judgment, comments, opinions about why it won't work shuts everything down. And the last one I want to talk about is the manifest one. This one's weird and I'm still playing with it a bit because it was scary and I think There's more potential there, but I was at a point where I'm going out to a trip and I'm thinking I really wanted a coffee. So I'm in line. I'm looking at the situation. Looks like we got a couple of, maybe a machine down. I'm trying to survey it and the line's getting long. And there's some people really already kind of upset. And I'm right between that, that key moment where you're going to miss your flight or you're going to get this coffee. So I'm risking it for the biscuit, as they say. So I am looking and waiting and it is, it is not going well. And there's a person in front of me and he is really getting mad. He's stomping his feet and he's got his arms crossed and, and he's not liking the situation. And he goes, oh my gosh. He looks at me and he goes, can they be any slower? And I was really into this stop judging, start helping just in this space in the moment, working on it. And I go, you know what? I actually think they could. I think they could. So what I'm doing to help is I've got my app out kind of making my order because that seems to be going faster. And I'm letting people know not to order from the cold brew machine because that's what looks like it's down. And so I'm going to help what I can to get the line moving along. And he got so mad that I was not going to collude and judge with him. I got into helpfulness. He goes, well, and he just left. And I look ahead of me and my goal manifesting was to get closer to my coffee so I don't miss my flight. And I just stepped right into that space. I'm like, oh my goodness, stop judging, start helping. You can just create things that you didn't know you could create just by staying in that mantra. And so there, I wanted to give you not only where we don't realize how much, if our teams are very judgmental, it stops our innovation, creates silos. It doesn't lead to people giving benefit of the doubt. They get right into a story about the most negative. And this just hurts culture and eventually your results. And as you just keep this as a mantra, as you remind people of this often, keep it close by, keep it as a habit. It is seriously where many times in a 3-hour session, I'm not joking, I would stop there and say, let's just practice for 2 days. Stop judging, start helping. Everyone's got full rein to call people out, time out with a lot of love and respect and say, I think we're judging. Let's move to helping. Transforms your business, best engagement effort you can do. And so as if this resonated with you, if it got you laughing a little bit, if you saw some opportunity there, don't look at this and listen to this podcast alone. Share it with someone that's got that twinkle in their eye, someone you know on your team that as you talk about this, they seem like it could help them as well. Grab one more person to go on this reality-based journey yourself and spend a couple of weeks in Stop Judging, Start Helping. I promise you're going to love what happens in your workplace. And as I say, the world place. So thank you so much. Give this a review if you love this. 5-star reviews really help to get the word out. Would love to hear your feedback. Let us know topics. Thank you for listening. Let's keep ditching the drama. Let's love people up. But remember, it's our job as leaders to call people up to greatness into helpfulness. So I'll see you on the next episode.