#21: Expectancy vs. Expectations

Hi, I'm Saya Wakeman, and you're listening to Know Ego, a podcast where we teach you how to ditch the drama, end entitlement, and drive big results in your workplace and your world. In today's episode, I want to continue the conversation that I started on last week's podcast about how to have stress-free holidays, how to have wonderful, peaceful, loving times, whether it's with your family or friends. And the lessons you learn and practice in times with those closest to you are really lessons that you're going to be using throughout the workplace and throughout the next year in your life. So this is a really great time to pay attention and to really take in and go deep in some of these lessons. A lot of people have connected with me since the podcast I did on the holidays and shared with me their concerns, either on how things might go with their families or basically a list of expectations that they're either hoping for or that they have attached to. And one thing I know for sure is that expectations are really the work of the ego. And if you want to make sure that you're disappointed, have expectations. Expectations are the pre-work to disappointment. Expectations are really the work of the ego. So, what I encourage people to do is enter into the world with great expectancy, not expectations. Now, what's the difference? So, expectations means that I'm trying to really shape the outcome. I am trying to not just have impact but to have a bit of control over the outcome. Why? Because my ego has some preferences. My ego prefers a sunny day over a rainy day. My ego prefers that people follow my script rather than follow their own script. When you are going along with expectations, it really is having motive, and that is the work of the ego, and it really sets you up to be disappointed. But expectancy really is a mindset. It's really having faith that the universe has your back, that everything's happening for Wonderful reason that everything's happening at the time it needs to be happening. It really is just you excited about watching the movie that's taking place, excited about being able to come and do your part and give your gifts and be there for other people. It's an expectancy that great things will happen, that life is good, that people are learning what they need to learn and doing what they need to do. It's not just a positive attitude that excuses or withholds judgment. It really is a mindset that's excited about what's coming your way for the day. And so, if you think about your current view right now when you are thinking about your day or perhaps the holidays, I want you to really check in and say to yourself, am I greeting the world with expectations which is going to lead to disappointment or with great expectancy? Because when you're moving it with expectations, as I said, you have motives. But when you're moving it with expectancy, Expectancy, it's easy then to just be grateful for whatever comes your way. So the natural outcome of expectancy is acceptance of what comes your way, gratitude for what comes your way, and really the ability to love what is, to embrace your reality. And instead of arguing against the reality, which is an argument you'll lose but only 100% of the time, you're embracing your reality and really seeking to add Your gifts to that reality to take it to the next level, not start it over. And it really leads you into doing some improvisation with life. And it's a lesson I learned in improv a long time ago. And many of you might have been through improv classes yourself. But traditional theater is, you know, we pick a script and we pick the right people, the perfect people to be in the play. And then we rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. And then we put the show together and then we wait for the reviews. It's all very linear and it's very serial. It's very planned and orchestrated. And while that may lead to a wonderful theater production, I have found out that living life according to that model not only leads me to a lot of disappointments but really adds a lot of stress to my life. A better way, if you're going to use a theater analogy for life, is to use improv. Now improvisation has one major rule: Say yes. Don't argue with it. Don't try and change it. Accept what was given to you. Say yes and improve it. So if we're doing improvisation and my partner starts off with the line, sigh, let's go to the store, and I'm not playing good improv, I may try and redirect that to where I wanted the skit to go. I might say, no, no, no, Let's go to the school instead. Now, I imparted my will. I have expectations about where I want to drive this thing, and I've just ruined the whole skit. I've killed it. It's not funny. But if someone says, Sai, let's go to the store, and my response is a big yes, and that's perfect, if we go to the store, we can get some vodka because mom's coming over this afternoon. Not only did I add some fun humor to that, but I just gave the other person a ton of options to move forward with some fun rather than the only option, which is to argue with me about their reality. See, I've let us get into co-creation where we can have some fun rather than a discussion about where we need to go. And too often when we get together with folks, we get into Discussions where I say my part, you say your part, I reiterate my part, you say your part, and we really don't get into co-creation and dialogue, which is taking what we have and building something new together in this moment, a new understanding, a new story, whatever is really out there. So just remember that if you have expectations, it's so much more easy to be disappointed and even more likely And with expectancy, it's easy to be delighted, not disappointed. And it's easier to be grateful because if I just have expectancy but not expectations about the specifics, everything is a gift. Everything is a surprise. You know, a lot of our pain comes not from the reality that we witness, but the story we attach to reality. And one of the ways that we attach a story is when we attach meaning. And so a lot of times people will Someone's behavior and they'll immediately attach, and this means that they don't care or they don't prioritize me. So for instance, if I invite somebody to my home and they tell me they're gonna try and make it but end up not making it, all I know for sure is that they didn't make it, and I can conserve my energy and really be excited about the people who are right there in front of me and really improv on that opportunity. Or I can have my ego attach meaning that I don't question, which is, well, this means that they weren't honest in the first place, or this means that they don't see me as a priority. Whenever you add this means that, you just added suffering in your life. And so I really want you to be careful of witnessing reality and then attaching meaning. And that will be a sign if you find yourself doing that. That you had expectations. So see if you can't move through the next couple of weeks really practicing expectancy without expectations. And one of the ways to move out of expectations is just to move yourself back into neutrality with great things like, good to know. So somebody calls and says they aren't going to make it, I go, thank you for letting me know. It's good information, and now we won't wait and we'll go on and do what we were hoping to do with the rest of the people. At our house. If you're in the mindset of great expectancy, you're going to be on the lookout and finding some amazing things in the world. With expectations, we tend to not connect and look at people. But with expectancy, we look at folks, we look them in the eye and really make eye contact. And when you're talking to people, you don't have to worry about having the answer or carrying the conversation. In fact, a great technique is just ask them questions about themselves. and really be curious and enjoy the stories and have no need to change them in any way. No need to make them understand. No need to change their mindset. Just simply a gift of making sure that they felt heard. One of my favorite teachers says, if you can start every interaction with another person with a wish for them to truly be happy, And then act accordingly, it really changes the interaction. And I've tried it, and it's really pleasant. When I meet somebody, instead of wishing that I were left alone on the plane, I start the conversation with a wish that I would really love to see the other person happy. And then I go along by meeting what they need. If they need someone to listen to them, or if they need someone to affirm for them, or just be present for them, or kind. To them as they get up to the bathroom for the 20th time. It really is a way not to live your life every day. I don't need you to sign up for that, but to get mentally flexible so that you can live your life giving, witnessing, perceiving, just noticing, affirming. It gives you a lot more practice in the whole spectrum of what you need to be doing as a leader and as a person. You know, this is a time of year to get really intentional, and I think every day is a day to get intentional, but we have a lot more reminders this time of year to get intentional. And so I want to share with you a couple of ways that I try and help myself get intentional. And one I learned from Byron Katie. I love her work, and she's a great teacher. She's at thework.com. But I was at a workshop with her, and she Said that she tends to have a common prayer that she says every day, and it's a prayer that I've adopted. And the prayer is this: when I get up in the morning, I just pray that I can move through the world without the need for love, approval, or appreciation, because these are my ego hooks. Whenever I have expectations that people should love me, or people should appreciate me more, or people you know, should value me or approve of me, I get stressed because I'm not getting what I want. That ego steps in and really thinks I'm losing out on something. And it also shapes my behavior in ways that I probably won't get the very thing I crave. So that's one thing I just wanted to share with you. That's a way for me to kind of start my day. Another way that I like to start my day or start a new endeavor, especially if I have some fear around it, is another type of prayer or intention or affirmation. These don't need to be religious in nature. They're just intentional. They're ego bypasses. They're ways to get centered. And I call it the 3-step prayer. And I learned this years and years ago from a woman. She was a nun called Jose Habde. She was a Native American nun who was just a wonderful teacher. And it's called the 3-step prayer, and it just really moves us out of ego and into that inner part of our brain. It takes us from our lowest self to our highest self with setting some intentions at the beginning of your day. So it's 3 steps, and it's about getting out of bed and putting your first foot on the ground, step 1, and then stepping fully onto the ground, step 2, and then stepping out into the world. And it goes like this. The first foot goes on the ground, and step 1 is you just get intentional about stepping into yourself and making some commitments on how you want to be in the world today and how you want to end up feeling at the end of the day and how you could act in order to, you know, more likely end up with that experience. And sometimes when I do this first step of the prayer, It's about intentions on how I can step into the world, and I might pick a word of the day that I want to walk with, you know, like mercy or tolerance or seeking to understand or, you know, saying yes to what's next. But the first step is intentionally stepping into myself. The second step is a time to just for a minute be intentional about stepping into relationships with Others. How do you want to be with them today? What type of experiences do you want to help create for others? It's stepping into relationship with others. And then the third step is stepping into the mystery of all that is life and being open to what life is bringing your way today without resistance, without judgment, without the I know mind. And it's really just stepping into the world with great expectancy. And so those 2 techniques I can use in the morning, or if I get off track, I can really use to just bring intention back to my day. So I wanted to share those with you. You know, it's just interesting as we look to today, and even the subject of prayer is interesting. I see often on social media a call for different prayers and us You know, offering prayers to one another. And it was interesting. I heard a speaker recently. I was in Egypt, and he actually was a tour guide, not a speaker. And he was showing us some wonderful Egyptian hieroglyphics in some tombs and temples. We were talking about some of these hieroglyphics, and he talked about some of the self-reflection that the pharaohs did and how they passed from one life to the other. And one of the self-reflections. was, if you look at all the things you've prayed for in this lifetime and those prayers were answered, would anyone's life change other than your own? And you guys know I love to go beyond ego with self-reflection, and that question for self-reflection was so interesting because so many times our ego is praying for our lives to change, for our reality to be different, Rather than praying for us to be different, we pray for our reality to be different. And if you looked at all the things you have offered as intentions or prayers or expectations or hopes or dreams, are those hopes and dreams about getting your life easier or about other people being happier or more fulfilled or about organizational goals happening so that it's not just your preference over the potential of the business, But it was just another way to offer some great self-reflection I thought that I wanted to share with you. So, you know, expectations versus expectancy. If you're filled with expectations, it feels like it puts you in the driver's seat, like you're making stuff happen. But expectancy puts you more in the witnessing seat so that you can sit back and just watch how cool life is, and you can see the opportunities that are there. And sitting back and seeing these opportunities give you this viewpoint, this view of the world about where you could jump in and where you could help and where you could add value. So rather than trying to orchestrate the world, it's a way to conserve your energy to sit with expectancy and just know and give people benefit of the doubt and just trust great things are happening. But sit back and see where you could jump in and add value, not with your will or your expectations or with your way of knowing how it should be, not with the I know mind, but just the ability to sit back and look at where you could plug and play and really help move things along in that whole improvisation of life. It's not judging, which expectation is really judging. Expectancy is Without judging. It's just loving what is and not putting your will out there. Expectations is about putting your will out there. But having expectancy isn't passive. It's just more contemplative. It's working kind of with the nature of things rather than trying to change the nature of things. It's working in the zone, not trying to swim upstream, I guess. It's a much more effortless way To live. And so I just wanted to call you up to that so that you can try and change this energy of yours, change it around so that it's not so focused on what you prefer, but it's focused on what would create a great environment for everyone. It's all about more of the collective whole rather than your own preference. And our ego really favors preference and is upset when preference isn't met. And again, that goes back to expectations. One of the best gifts you can give, I think, is, you know, helping people to just have space to find their own way. And I liken that to kind of staying in my own lane. You know, there's 3 lanes in life, I think. One is my lane, my business, and the second one is lane to your business or other people's business. And the third one is really reality's business. And if you look at these 3 lanes, if I'm in my lane just being accountable for my own stuff, looking for ways I can help and not judge, I'm usually in a pretty happy, stress-free place. One of the ways to get stressed is to get out of my lane. And if I get out of my lane, I need to do it with a focus on helping, not judging. And a lot of us get out of our lane and we get into other people's business and we start orchestrating how they should live and what's wrong with what they're doing. And we do it with a lot of judgment and expectations which leads to disappointment which leads to stress. One solution is to stay in your lane. And the other solution is if you get out of your lane, rather than complaining or critiquing or judging, it's got to be with a helpful nature. So, if you're in somebody else's business, it's, I care about you. What can I do to help and let them lead. If it's about reality's business, it's noticing what is. And rather than arguing against that or judging it, just focusing on what could I do next that would really add some value. And so, I just want you to focus right now on managing your own energy and focusing not on judgment and why we can't or why they shouldn't. But what could we create and how can How can we get there? I really love a line from the Course in Miracles that talks about there's 2 types of acts. Acts of love and cries for love. And the only appropriate response is love. And I want you just to remember that when you're with your family and you're with other people, you're not in a position to be evaluating them. They're not your employees. Informed consent where part of your role is to measure them against an organizational standard. These are folks that are just connected to you in life that really deserve your lack of judgment. And so as I look at someone's behavior, if I do get judgmental, I realize there's really 2 types of acts. One act is a loving one, and I don't need to judge that. That feels wonderful and good. And the other act is a cry for And so how can I see through that behavior in order to respond in a way that returns us back to a great space where people feel accepted and cared about and understood? So I really want you to practice tenderness and forgiveness and tolerance. These are things we don't get to practice a lot or enough. They're muscles that we may not have exercised enough. So in response to To all of the questions I've been getting from the holiday blog or comments or asks for, you know, advice and such. I just wanted to pass on to you, and I use not because my family is incredibly dysfunctional or so difficult to be with. I use these techniques because I am so human and suffer from the human condition that when I am together and I have some experiences that are really important to me, like seeing my family and having wonderful holidays, I can quickly get played by my ego and slip into expectation and chronic disappointment and lose out on the magic of the moment. And so my hope for you is that not only just today, but on a regular basis throughout the year, you practice checking in with yourself to see if you are walking with expectations or if you're walking with great expectancy. And I walked both paths in the same day. And I'm here to tell you that a happy, joyful, stress-free path is one in which you walk with great expectancy because gratitude comes so easy for anything that comes your way because it's all just a wonderful surprise and gift. And gratitude isn't something you can manufacture up after having your expectations dashed. Gratitude is a spontaneous feeling that comes when you have walked with expectancy and you're seeing the world through a whole different lens. So until next time, my friends, I really hope that you toggle between your lowest self and highest self many times today, and that you really walk with great expectancy. And, uh, I wish you well. Thank you so much for joining the episode today. 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