#4 Limiting Beliefs That Hold Women Back: "It's too good to be true!"

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Welcome listeners. As you probably have picked up by now, this is a series. My good friend Sasha Shillcutt has joined me, or I've joined her, because we have these great audiences that we are joining together for this series, and we are talking about Distorted thought processes, distorted thinking, things that we think and then believe and then we create. And these are self-limiting beliefs, and we're trying to go deep on this, and we're trying to help people understand that this isn't just what other people do, that we have wonderful happiness and success and failures in our life, and we think this stuff daily. The thoughts don't go away.

No, and I love this because it's such— it's so easy for us to talk about this because you and I struggle with all of these same things.

Yeah, absolutely. And unfortunately, I think a lot of people see us in one viewpoint where we look like we have it all together, and which we're both looking at each other laughing because I'm sure if we even just told you about our morning trying to get here, you would be horrified. Oh, yeah. You'd be like, oh my gosh, maybe I don't wanna follow them any longer. They're real people. But we're talking about these things that women leaders often don't talk about. We think we're the only ones who think this, and— or we aren't even conscious we're having these We're having these thoughts, and they're holding us back without us even knowing it.

They're directing our actions, and they're directing decisions, and yet we don't recognize that we're having them. And that's why you and I wanted to do this series and get real and talk about it, is because we really hope that all of the women listening and the people listening will be able to go, wait a minute, I'm having an all-or-nothing thought. Wait a minute, I'm having an it's too good to be true limiting belief, and recognize those so that you can actually put a stop to Not allowing it to make an actionable step that you don't actually want, or keeping you in the shadows, so to speak.

Because those thoughts are coming from our most primitive intelligence, our ego, our low self. And a lot of those thoughts have come from external, that if we just accept them and don't question them, they become internal. And now we're being— we're living our life based on external forces instead of on that spirit we have, where it's like, I came here with a purpose and I want to create and I want to help folks.

And we It becomes part of our narrative.

Yeah.

Our internal, like, self-talk.

Self-talk. Yeah. Our self-talk. And the thing I've noticed about self-talk is there's, like, no winning. Because, you know, we've talked about other self-talk, like, where it's, you know, it's like, I'm always a failure. But the weirdest thing is, even when we succeed and everything we want is happening in our lives, even then, our ego tries to talk us out of, don't believe it, it's too good to be true, the other shoe's gonna drop, this will only last for a little while, like, don't get too comfortable or happy.

Right, and then we start to, so then when we have, you know, how many times do you as a woman, maybe you have something good happen, or life is going really well, and you like wait for something tragic? You're like looking for something, or you're like, oh my gosh, this is gonna, something bad has to happen any minute, because life has to be hard. It's too good to be true.

Yeah, if it doesn't take effort, it doesn't count.

Exactly. Instead of thinking like, okay, the reason that this is happening is maybe because I have had all these life experiences that have given me the skills and the strengths, or my unique gifts, to gain this, to be at this spot, we go, wait a minute, wait a minute, this, I've gotta be, this has to be a scam, and the shoe is gonna drop any minute, and everyone's gonna figure out that I'm not supposed to have this, or I'm not meant to be here.

Which then I think leads to the imposter syndrome that a lot of people talk about. Absolutely, absolutely. 'Cause when people talk about the imposter syndrome in isolation, I'm like, you know, I don't know that, I mean, I can talk myself out of that pretty quickly, Yeah. Because it's like, you know what, I don't profess to be anything amazing, so I'm not an imposter here. I'm just like doing the best I can with what I got. But where I fall into imposter syndrome is like, this is too good to be true, or they're gonna find out who I am and realize that they, you know, they called the wrong person with the publisher clearinghouse. Like, there's been a mistake here. There's many people named Cy Wakeman. Maybe you picked the wrong person.

Yeah, and it's a— it's kind of like we almost try to punish ourselves, I think, is what women, we don't— we are so oftentimes scared to celebrate a success or share a success that we minimize it. We like tone it down. It's funny, when I gave a TED Talk— when I gave my TED Talk, I came off the stage, and of course the first person I called was my husband. And he still teases me about this, because he wasn't able to be there, and he said, you know, how did it go? How did it go? And I said, well, I mispronounced one word. And he was like, Really? Did you just hear what you said? Like, that's the first thing you— and it was, of course, I was like, oh, I mispronounced, you know, whatever word. And I was ruminating about it. I thought, okay, what is wrong with me that here I'm minimizing something really cool that just happened to me? But it's almost like we're too afraid to just own our success or own the good things that are happening.

So they're fully in it, which I think then if we pretend to be grateful, which is pretending at that point, if we can't own the biggest things that happen to us and we're like, but I am grateful, that they got my coffee order right today. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, that's just— but, you know, it's image managing, I think, for me. And what I mean by that is it's like I sometimes don't step fully into what's joyful and what's— what has come into my life, because I've gotten a lot of messages about, like, well, stop bragging, or who do you think you are, or like, you're gonna make somebody else feel bad. And I don't know about you, but growing up in kind of a farm community, it was like these were stoic people. And it's like, don't brag, don't think too highly of yourself. Right. You know, you're gonna make other people feel bad. And I even remember, like, early on in my dating life, or even, you know, my mom kind of gave me some instructions on, like, don't ever overshadow, like, your man. Yes, yes. I mean, I just got so many things where it's like, well, I over-function in helping people not feel bad about their reality if they actually even caused it. And I've got to quit over-functioning, because your relationship with reality is yours. and mine is mine. But even around, if you're working with negative people, it's like hard to be like positive. You're like, everything's going my way.

Right, right. And I think that oftentimes too, especially for women, this, you know, there is societal cues that say don't be too much. Like, don't be too happy, too positive.

And yet be everything. And yet be everything. Like, don't be too much, but be everything. Like, be everything to everybody, but don't get too impressed with yourself.

And I just read a really interesting study that showed that male scientists quote themselves in their own research 5 times more than women scientists. And I was laughing, 'cause I was like, we actually need to take a note from this. Like, we need to— women need to start quoting their own science and their research. Like, we should embrace that. I mean, what is— and it's so funny, because we're so good at, like, promoting our kids, or our spouse, or someone else, but we are terrible about embracing our own successes, because we are so afraid, and I get this too, being on social media, that you're gonna come across and someone's gonna be like, well, you know, just be critical or act like you're bragging or send you these messages. And so then we kind of retreat into the safety net.

We play small.

Yes.

So that other people can feel better instead of playing big and reaching our hand out to saying, you can have a big life too.

Yes, yes, and inspiring.

Yep, and sharing it. And I think for me, this really hits home and resonates because my want or need to be liked I tend to play small, and part of it I do this because if I'm not on my game and in a good place with setting boundaries, if I play big, then I at times get requests that I don't want to honor.

Right.

And so part of what I get into is playing small and just kind of keeping things kind of a secret and finding that balance, because it's not about that. I get a lot of you know, a lot out of like, hey, guess what I did today? But with my close friends, it's like, I want to go, you know what, something cool happened today. It's the ultimate form of gratitude. And in our office, in fact, my son who works with us started this. It's very little, but he's like, hey, I did a thing. I did a thing today.

Oh, I love it.

And when he was little, he used to say that. Like, he'd come home from school, he's like, hey, I did a thing today. Yeah. And that's kind of language that we learn where it's like, Something I worked on worked out, or somebody gave me grace, or I got a new opportunity, or just that people can celebrate successes with you as much as at times they, you know, are there with you during the downtime.

Well, and I think that that's what's so beautiful about being a real leader and being real as a woman. And we talked about in previous episodes our failures. I think that there's something to be said with, you know, sharing a success and owning your success as much as there is owning a failure. I don't think that we were created to hide our success. I'm not promoting being arrogant, that's not what I'm talking about. But man, when I see a woman succeeding, it inspires me. And so many times we as women, we can't see what we can't be, or we can't be what we can't see.

Yeah, we still can't be what we can't see.

And so for me, like, I think it's really important to be like, you know, I gave a TED Talk because I want other women that are just like me, that are moms, that are physicians, that are working, that are teachers, that are whatever, even, you know, whatever you're doing, whatever time of life you are, to see that I'm both out there like trying and succeeding, but I'm also struggling and failing at the same, and that both of those things can be true. Because it's not like you get asked to give an amazing talk to 10,000 people because nothing bad has ever happened to you, or you've ever failed at something, or you're not gonna fail in the future.

Or even I was crying a half hour before that because somebody said something mean to me. Exactly. I think part of what we're out there doing as women is we talk a lot about share your successes and share your failures, and we're still in that ego dichotomy of like all or nothing and good or bad.

Right.

What if we just shared ourselves? Our truth. Our truth. And then people could be with us knowing that it's rich and messy and that life's messy, but you can still be happy. Like, just because I'm failing doesn't dictate my emotions that I'm sad, or just because I'm succeeding doesn't dictate my emotions I'm happy. What if life was more complex than that. And what if we could— I love that when you said many things can be true at once. I think true vulnerability or intimacy with my friends is when in the same conversation we can have many things be true at once.

Yes.

Your mom's sick and dying, you just got the big promotion, one of your kids you're a little concerned about, and I love you. Like,

yes, yes.

What if that's coming together as women, that it really is? Because And I just noticed we do this in our podcast, we're like, share your failures, share your successes, and I think the message I'm coming to is like, share you.

Share you, absolutely.

Be brave enough to share you.

Yeah, and it's funny because that is the definition of growth. Like, you're never going to be, you don't want to be stagnant. If you were always succeeding, that means whatever you're doing is super easy. Yeah. And I hate to—

Yeah, you're not taking enough risks.

I hate to say you're not taking enough risks, right? So to me, it's about really really sharing your success, but sharing your failures. And I love that just sharing you, believing that there are going to be times, it's an ebb and a flow, where life is easy, it's okay. Right. It's okay that life is good. It's okay that everything, all the cylinders are firing. You don't have to seek out drama or tragedy to suddenly make yourself have value, or make it be okay to have the success. It's gonna come, it's gonna ebb and it's gonna flow. And I think as women, we need to just give ourselves permission to be

Real, like, in the moment, and experience it as it is, and quit being suspicious of things that are effortless. You know, I do a lot of Transcendental Meditation, and meditation according to TM is supposed to be effortless. And a lot of people, it's like, oh, I meditate, it's super hard to sit for 5 minutes and not, you know, and not get off your mantra. And I'm like, it's suspicious when something's effortless. Mm-hmm. And it's like something I walk with. I'm like, life is as effortless as I let it be, because my attachments to high and lows are what create this belief that it needs to be effort or it needs to be hard. When I just let it come, it just is, and it's really— it's effortless. But I think that we want somehow the drama, because we don't believe we deserve it. When it's bad, we make it really bad. It's not just, I forgot today, or I sent a text to somebody, the wrong person. Yeah. I have egg on my face because I acted in a horrible way. That's just like, oh my God, humans do that. Just go apologize to her. It's like I have to add on, and that means I'm the worst person in the world. And when it's successful, it's like, you know, I have to, you know, feel like I don't deserve that either. I think being authentic is just like stepping fully into just this present moment, and it doesn't mean anything in the future, it doesn't mean anything in the past, it just is. And in this moment, multiple things can be true.

And don't you find it hard as often as a leader to really challenge yourself to be brave enough that day to step into a space that may— that someone, you know, without that fear of someone saying, well, you haven't always been like that, Sy.

Yeah.

Like, you haven't always been perfect, Sy. Like, sometimes I'll—

That's the emotional blackmail.

Yes, sometimes I'll want to post something inspirational or encouraging and share something that's really positive going on in my life, and then instantly there's this little voice that goes like, well, remember that one time or that one person you weren't perfect to or like that to? So what if they read your post and then they share this about Well, the truth is that I'm not a perfect person. You're not a perfect leader. There are always going to be times in our life that people can throw mud at our face. Like, that's just reality. I think we have to accept that about each other. And as women, we really have to just give ourselves space to be authentic, which means the good, the bad, all of it.

All of it.

All of it.

All of it. And I just had an insight listening to you. I always learn when we're together. It's like, you know, people encourage me a lot. They're like, share more of your story on Instagram, put more stuff out there. You know, my staff is like, people love it when they see your personality. stuff. And part of my playing small at times is like sometimes, you know, afraid of appearing like I'm bragging because, you know, or appearing like, you know, I'm putting in your face that, you know, I've had this success. And isn't it funny that we find ways as women to isolate ourselves no matter what's going on with our life? This is the series that we've put— Yes. I isolate myself because I get all or nothing, or I think my failures define me, or I don't want to share my successes because successes, it might be bragging. Like, I Every one of these pieces of distorted thinking is the work of the ego to keep you alone and isolated so that this greatness, this source of all good doesn't come into the world. It keeps us playing small. And what happens a lot of times when we are bragging is we go from like violence or silence to violence. Like, we come out and we're like, oh, I will tell you how great I am. That's not authentic either because it's always dictated out of our low self.

Well, and it's funny because several months ago for spring break, I took— we took all of our kids to Hawaii. No, we've never done this. This was a huge trip, you know, to take all of our kids to Hawaii. And I remember thinking, like, I don't think I should post pictures of this.

I felt that way too when I'm in Africa on safari.

Right. And I don't want people to think that, like, I have this, you know, life. When the reality is that, like, you know, I grew up very, you know, middle class. I never went to Hawaii. Like, that would never have happened. I've worked really hard to be able to save to take my kids on this trip, which was really special. All of their spring breaks aligned. And, you know, I thought, why am I afraid to post a picture of myself on social When I'm having the time of my life. When I'm like enjoying. And then at the end of the week, I kept thinking like something bad's gonna happen next week, 'cause we just had this like amazing vacation, so something bad has to happen. And I really recognized that I was having this too good to be true— Too good to be true. Limiting belief instead of enjoying the moment, enjoying the wonderful, amazing experience with my family, and just cherishing that time. I was letting all these beliefs kind of think like, oh, I shouldn't show this because I'll be bragging on social media, or, and the reality is, is that if someone texts me or posts like, oh, you know, this person's really bragging, like, that's their own story. That's their narrative. It has nothing to do with me. Nothing. I can't control that. Just like I can't control if something were too bad to happen the next week. Like, that's out of my control. So I have to be in the moment.

In the moment.

And just not buy into this, it's too good to be true.

In the moment destroys all stories, 'cause let's say that I work in an organization where I have tried to sell people on the story that the culture's toxic, and one day I'm actually having fun at work. I can't fully have fun because I'm like, whoa, I'm a lot invested in the story. And I find even in my relationship sometimes with my own husband, it's like if I'm kind of in the story that he isn't, you know, you know, the best husband this week, like all of a sudden I do find ourselves having fun, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I want to be right about this relationship having problems. I'm not gonna surrender. Yeah. And I think we For me, I need to realize that if I'm not fluid enough and able to be present enough, it is probably my attachment to some beliefs that have locked me into external forces thinking for me rather than me really checking in with me and finding out what I think or what I feel.

And, and it's the always. Mm-hmm.

It's always, never.

Yeah, like how many times How many times, you know, do you find yourself saying to your spouse or whoever, like, well, you always do that, or maybe it's about your work environment, and then when they don't fulfill that prophecy, you don't know how to— you're like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You loaded the dishwasher? Like, what's happening? But then you're

careful. You're like, I don't want to give you credit for doing the very thing I've asked you to do, because then you'll like— we're funny, funny people. The bottom line of all of this is fear, fear, fear. I'm afraid of giving you credit. I'm afraid this is too good to be true. I'm afraid of what other people will think. I'm afraid, which leads us right back to become brave enough, even just for today. Yes. What if we recognize the fear, we pause, we recognize the fear, and we did the counterintuitive thing that we know scientifically will lead us to connection, to supporting women, to collaboration, to this? But it's getting intentional and conscious with our lives. If you're living out of supplementing beliefs, you're being lived by stories from who knows where. I think becoming brave enough is to become brave enough to pause and reflect, to observe and choose, to get intentional, to ask me if this is what I want, or if this is my true heart, if competing with you across the table is really a reflection of my true heart. And so I just, I think our whole series has really summed up to trying to recognize when we're in fear-based belief systems that were given to us by other fearful people.

Yes, yes.

So when we're scared and we're in scarcity, just recognizing it and choosing a path of abundance where we choose to believe something different.

Yes.

We choose our beliefs for ourselves.

And it's about small actions. I named my company and this whole movement Brave Enough, and people think it means something big, like brave enough to follow your dreams.

Yeah, I'm gonna quit my job and go to the Antarctic because I've always wondered about how shrimp live in ice.

But what it really is is just being brave Brave enough every day, just for that day, to live authentically and to go like, okay, am I curating my life about this? Am I living this narrative of this story that I've built for myself? That's what it really means.

Brave enough to take a nap some days.

Brave enough to go to Walmart in like, you know, jogging pants and a t-shirt and not think that you have to always look perfect. Brave enough to say, you know what, I have this story about you that you don't like me, even though I really always wanted to be your friend.

Yeah. Brave enough to, you know, just believe that we are enough. I mean, that's a brave move. Brave enough to believe we are enough. And you know what, for me, that's lowering my standards. Like, when I found out, people are like, well, it's just that you don't feel good enough. I'm like, well, I just have to be good enough? Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. Like, when was somebody gonna tell me that was the goal? I got so much happier when I raised the goal from being better than everybody, having insurance. Like, if they said it had to be 10 pages for a project, I would hand in 2 bonus pages just in case they needed to know anything else about— And when I I started to feel, you know, a lot of people, I understand they feel like they aren't enough, and I do too in many ways, but when it's just all you have to be is enough, you guys. It's just enough.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I love that, and I love that we just have to be brave enough, and for today, and in this moment. So women, check your belief systems. As you're friending others, help them check their belief systems. Let's drop this stuff because it kills the joy. Every one of the beliefs we talked about, scarcity, You know, all of this stuff kills the joy. And the one thing that fuels burnout is lack of joy. Absolutely. And we need more joy in our world. And what I love about all of this is this doesn't require you to become anything else. It doesn't require you to do anything else. It requires you to get more clear about who you really are, like reveal your truth. It's taking away drama and excess and revealing the truth of the mask So we at Reality-Based Leadership talk a lot about interrupt your thinking and reveal the truth, try it on for size.

Love it.

And then you got to practice this stuff because it's progress, not perfection.

Absolutely.

And that's what I think people can, can do with this stuff. I would be remiss if I didn't brag on my own, and you get to brag on yours. But folks, if you're not following me, I'm @SyWakeman on all social media. I love to feed people from Instagram My podcast is called No Ego, and I have just some wonderful things out there. If you're a nurse and you're a leader, we have an amazing webinar series we just came out with on how to be great at leading nurses and leading in healthcare. And so would love for you to share these things with women you care about, people you want to be friends with. Just put it in the email. Heard a great podcast. I would like to be your friend. Like, use this to really start to Build your relationships. And I want you to brag on your—

Oh, I love this. It just ties so well, and that's why this is so easy for us, because we have so many collaborative and creative ideas that align with both of our audiences. And so, if you're out there listening, you can find me on Twitter @RUBraveEnough, like the letter R-U Brave Enough. The easiest thing is just to go to my website, becomebraveenough.com. I have a podcast there. I primarily talk to women in medicine. However, my website is really applicable across all And if you're a woman physician and you're really looking and you're entering a new leadership space, check out Cy Wakeman. She has amazing content and online classes which are completely doable for women that are professionals constantly working to do and work into your life. So, Cy, this is— we're just getting started.

We're just getting started. We're gonna practice what we preach, and I'm so excited. I'm gonna attend the Brave Enough Conference as a guest. I guess I get an honorary medical degree for the day or something. I'll have to I'll try not to practice without a license and, you know, start prescribing. But yeah, you're just doing amazing work in the world. I'm so glad that we met. I'm so glad. We get to gush all over each other because we have microphones. It's so fun. Find your person out there. Find your person. And we talk a lot about women and women, but whatever that is for you, find your person. Get vulnerable. You're leaving too much on the table. You got to get what you came for. And the only way to get that is to get real authentic, vulnerable, And let people see you all places of your life. So be seen.

Absolutely. And, and live brave just for that day. That's all you need is you just need to be brave enough to live authentically one day at a time.

If you don't do it the whole day, it's okay. Do one brave thing a day. Like, start, start where you are. Thank you for being my friend, and thanks for joining me.

Thank you so much, Zak.

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama and end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Cy Wakeman.