Dealing with Resentment and Anger

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Welcome everyone. Here's my topic: is there something that you have any type of resentment towards, like a growing sense of disgruntlement, something that We usually talk about some pretty positive things, but something that you are finding is bugging you but that you aren't really taking direct action about. So I put that out there as you join. If there's something out there, the question of the day is, is there something out there that you find you're especially sensitive to, that you're irritated by, that you find yourself having less patience for, or you find yourself maybe thinking throughout the day, kind of arguing with reality, wishing it were different. And those are a little bit more intimate to share, but this group has gotten pretty intimate, so I want you to share those. We're going to work on ways in which we build resentments through expectations, through lack of boundary setting. So we think we're mad at the other person when we're really upset at ourself. And I also want you to be thinking about— we'll talk a little bit more about boundaries. We talk about that a lot. But thinking about questions that you may have. I have found that as the days kind of go on and things are getting more routine, but still not maybe how we would prefer, that people are connecting less because they feel like there's like no new news. And so it's like people are jumping in and saying, how's your day? Or how are you doing? People are really resorting to like, fine, next topic. And while I'm glad that you're not venting, I think what's happened for a lot of us is that we aren't sharing authentically, truly, um, what space we're occupying today because it seems so complex. And so we boil it down to just fine, which isn't really an answer at all, or good, or, you know, it sucks. Or I want you to see where you've taken the complexity out of the situation and really gotten down to what I would call acquiescing rather than surrendering. Surrendering to a situation is I accept all these things get That can be true and the complexity of it, and I'm willing to live in that complexity, but understand that reality is reality, and I'm not going to have that argument with reality. Acquiescing is more of a victim stance where you just go, I'm just muddling through. I'm just, you know, it's the same crappy day or the same busy day. And what acquiescing does is it it, it shows that you have high stamina, that you have high perseverance, that you can get through a lot. But it's this close to being the martyr and then being the person nobody really wants to be around, and then trading in like your own joy. And so acquiescing is different than surrendering. So here's the exercise I've been giving some of my folks to get back into joining the human race, that we aren't just— watch yourself when you disengage, you're like, I'm just gonna live through this. And you know, do my work, but kind of do the bare minimum when it comes for interacting with people. And that is a path to burnout because part of the way we move through tough times is we share energy. So Einstein and others did a lot of research that shows how being in someone's presence, there's a lot more energy sharing than you might ever imagine. There's a German scientist that's studied and wrote this great book on the secret life of trees. And it showed like even when one tree was being attacked by like a beetle, the other trees through the root systems would send them extra of their own immunity to try and fight that fight. That was a bigger ecosystem than we thought about. Well, when you're dropping out of that, you're dropping down, acquiescing, and just like, I'm gonna survive. And you might call it surrender, you might call it that, but you'll notice it's acquiescing because you either have resentments Or little joy or little energy. Surrendering usually gives you kind of a release, like, oh my gosh, I freed that up, I can be joyful again. So there's a big difference. So I want you to notice when you're surrendering. And one of the things to notice is when people check in with you, like, how are you doing? Do you take the short answer, you know, just another day in paradise? Do you take the long answer, which is unprocessed, oh my God, this is all a mess? Or use this technique. Find a couple of paradoxes, juxtapositions that you can cover to show who you really are. So say, how are you doing today? You know what, I would tell you one thing that I think about today that I'm so grateful for is the privilege I have to be quarantining on the beach. And I found a shirt I didn't know I had in the closet. I've been wearing the same 5 shirts. I'm like, I feel like I have a new wardrobe, so I'm grateful for that. One of the things I continue to be worried about is how to best serve our clients virtually. And we're doing a lot of certification, we're doing a lot of successful virtual presentations. It seems like clients are getting ready. We thought it would be a long time, but they're calling us back up and they're like, you know what, perfect time to go back to the basics of reality-based leadership for people that don't have it. We have new resiliency offerings, we've got new courses. So when I answer them, I like to answer with, you know, here's something heavy on my heart, here's something maybe occupying my mind space, here's something I'm really excited about, so that you re-enter and connect with the human race with some authenticity that isn't venting, isn't resentment, isn't just fine. If you catch yourself saying just the short answer, be a little bit worried that you're disconnecting and disengaging, not in a way that's going to build your energy, But in a way where you're getting into the, I do it myself, I'm just going to get through this thing, where you're disengaging from the energy source. And it's so important to notice how you're disengaging in the management of your own energy. So let's see what you guys have written in about some different things. Handling work and kids at the same time. And I'm striving to balance my time throughout the day. Putting things on and off the proverbial shelf. Compartmentalizing, Tina, great approach. And one of the things that your resentments can lead you to is where you need to, um, take some agency in your own life. So a lot of times when we get frustrated or irritated or resentful, we look at the other person or the external circumstance that's making us mad. But you guys that follow me know that nobody can really make you Mad. Mad is your response or your feelings, right? It's having to take a look at, am I setting boundaries that I need to set? A lot of us were lazy boundary setters. We're like, oh, look, gotta go. What— and what this pandemic's revealing to us now that we're all in one situation is, you know, what's the relationship to my kids as far as boundary setting, or with— if I have a partner or somebody else in the house, as spouse? What's my relationship to that? And so this is a perfect time if something's laying heavy on your heart, if you're irritated, if you've just kind of signed it off or given up and you're calling it acceptance and surrender, check that you aren't just calling it quiet resentment. The Dalai Lama talks about if something is causing you in your mind any type of suffering You have 2 choices. You can, um, take action to impact it and change it. It's kind of the Serenity Prayer— change what you can. Or you can radically accept it, which means you really have some perspective and you really are giving space and tolerance. You really feel joyful because you're giving a gift. And, um, It doesn't take away from your joy and it's not taking energy. So you're released from it. So you're either radically accepting it where that energy connection isn't draining, so there's not resentment or irritability, or you're taking action to impact it. What does that look like? I'm going to reach out and have a kind conversation or ask directly for what I need, or instead of expecting you to read my mind, or I'm going to Since I'm getting dinged all the time during the day and I can't concentrate, I'm going to take the action of setting up office hours where people can know that between 10 and 12, I'm available to you, right? Getting to notice what's going on in your own world and your own kind of body, and instead of being so externally focused and so attached to mind and so believing everything you think and so judging of what everybody's doing in the world that's causing you Anything. I want you to go inside and notice, hmm, irritability, resentment. What's that about? Have I not been taking the time I need? Have I not set up an appropriate boundary? I can't control other people, but it is all about what can I do to have impact. And if I'm not going— if I'm like, you know what, it is not that big a deal, I'm just gonna have grace, tolerance, and mercy. Then have grace, tolerance, and mercy and let it go. Many of us will find the ego so sophisticated and sneaky, it picks the middle option. I'm going to pretend to be super evolved and let it go and have it ping my brain like every 3 minutes and just secretly kind of fume and obsess about it before I go to bed at night and just decide that I'm better than others in the human race and thank God the world has me. Whatever you're doing, I want you to notice that letting go and mercy and tolerance should feel lighter. We've joined the human race. The way we experience love is by giving love. When we give tolerance and mercy for another, we give it to ourselves. It really lifts our energy. If letting something go means you just increase your tolerance level because you won't take adult-appropriate action To enter into a potential conflict or be clear and state what you need and have preprocessed that work. Don't choose that third option. I'm just gonna accept it and seethe. I'm gonna accept it and vent. I'm just going to, you know, catch up on sleep later, and it's been the 5th day. I find that when— And I just got off a call where I was so Mad at somebody because I'm like, I do all this for you, and now you raise the bar one more. It's like I gave so much. I found myself thinking like that. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sai, you were giving by choice. You overgave. You didn't set a boundary. You fell into somebody's timetable. You started to overserve them. That's about you. And if you're feeling resentful, what boundaries do you need to set? Quit making your feelings about other people. And that's really a message I want us to work on today, because I think part of pandemic survival is we work to evolve ourselves, and then the ego comes in to morph it into kind of like pseudo-evolution, which is I'm going to move through the world very skillfully and just have a certain level of righteousness that the rest of you really need to get your ducks in a row. The goal of reality-based leadership is that you move through the world freely, and freedom is the ultimate. And freedom from attachment to what you perceive others need to be doing, or what you perceive the world to be doing, or freedom from you not bringing your gifts to the table, you not putting your idea out there, your data point and then just seeing where it goes. That's what freedom's about. So I just find as the pandemic goes on and we are moving kind of into a longer chapter, I just want you guys thinking about those things. Lori, this is a great one too. So Lori is saying that her husband and her are both working from home. They have a senior in high school, graduation certainly altered. All the household responsibilities are falling on her. She says me, as well as entertainment. And he told me that he's working harder than I, and that really bothered me because I feel I'm working hard also. Okay, you guys, I know I have both men and women on here, and I don't want to get into— because gender is such a spectrum and we all identify in so many different ways. So I'm just going to take a departure because this is how the research lines it up, folks. When we were both in a couple working in offices away from home, there's a phenomenon called second shift where more times than not, even in a partnership, the female of the partnership, or if it's 2 females, the person who is in that role most often has what we call second shift where people Expect that I'm watching TV to unwind and while somebody else is in the kitchen cooking, right? We fall into, especially in stressful times, unconsciousness and gender roles. And remember I said one of the stages was question everything? We need to question everything as far as not who's doing more work. That will get you nowhere. Here's what needs to happen And how could we pool our resources and pick from what needs to happen and divide those out? And what that takes is for us not to just do it in SEED. It's us to step up. So when somebody says to me, you know what, I work harder than you all day. And so by 6 o'clock, I just want to sit and watch TV. Be careful because you'll be like, I just want to sit and watch TV at 6 o'clock. And, and I do this during the day and you do that. And now you're into math. It's called ego math. No one can win. Instead of that approach, there's 2 different approaches. One is you don't have a big meeting of the minds. You don't have a big, like, come-to-Jesus talk about who needs to do what. You don't draw the chart up. You don't do any of that. You, in the moment, look at what needs to happen, right? The kids need entertainment. And instead of going into the ego, oh, here we go again, I got to do this, you just look at the reality. What needs to happen? Kids are getting a little restless. You grab that other lovely person and you go, can I have your help? I— the challenge at hand is the kids are getting restless. And so I think we need to think of an entertainment option for tonight. And so what ideas do you have? Here's an idea I have. I have an ask. Would you be willing? That's a great idea. Do you think you could set that up? Because here's what I think I can attend to. I can take one of the kids and get the kitchen cleaned up. In the moment, practice being an adult and not having to have a big plan, a big confrontation, and things we agreed to, and then we scorekeep and we performance manage each other. Just have a plan that every new thing that comes up, you go to who's supposed to be your partner and you don't talk about who worked harder. You just say, here's the presenting problem. Can we work together to solve this? And then you don't get into who works harder, who does what, who did what yesterday. That's the past. What's going to happen this weekend? That's the future. You work on the present day issue in the present moment. With lots of space and invitation for lots of ideas and to figure out how right now we could handle this issue together. And this will serve you well beyond the pandemic. You know, it's Saturday morning. Can we grab a quick cup of coffee? We— here's what's on the docket today for what the kids need. Here's what I'm hoping for. What are you hoping for? What would you like to get in today? And now let's look at this jigsaw puzzle. Of are there some ways that we could maximize this for everybody? But you got to give up the ego keeping score stuff to get into that because you can't take a 10-year relationship and ever expect that to come out, you know, equal. And that's the problem with some of us that we get mad but submit is we stay in our victim role. We keep them in the villain role and we get served by that. But the grown-up thing to do that's assertive is to come out and say, here's the work at hand. What can you contribute? What can I contribute? What makes sense? In there, you might find a boundary or two. Somebody's like, look, I'm super exhausted. I was just going to watch TV and just hoping you would do the next 12 hours of the family. Don't go, oh, here you go again. It's not about them. It's about you. Hmm, let me try that on for size. I would tell you I probably don't have that much stamina, and so that's not a solution I can live with. Here's what I'm able to give to this. So we either need to jointly set some boundaries with the kids that that's not going to get done, or given what you just heard from me, is there anything extra you can add to the, the pie here? It would be really helpful to me if at least these 3 things could move onto your plate? Not tonight. Is there a time you could commit to those? Because I think we have some, you know, 48 hours before that really becomes something urgent. Everything I teach you about this behavior in shelter-in-place, or those of you that are going out on the essential lines and coming back, all of this is about creating space for complexity and more than one thing to be able to be true. I can be tired. You can work harder than me if we had a judge and jury in. And we still have a kid who needs, you know, to do something besides a 17th hour of gaming today. So no blaming, no anything. Here's our situation. Here's what I have to give. What do you have to give? What can we both accept? And there are times where you can say, well, you know what? It's also a time for me. I don't have anything to give. It doesn't sound like you have anything to give. That's Then let's go back and really whittle this list down to do the bare minimum. And what I'm going to do for my energy, rather than just mindlessly watch TV, I'm going to take some time and, you know, get some activity in or connect with friends that can be really, you know, supportive to me in this way. Do not take what you need and hand it to somebody else to give. It's yours. There's nobody there that can fix this. You're in charge of that little tyrant inside of you who's probably like 6 years old and scared to death and wishes some knight in shining armor would come by. You're in charge of that. So that would be something I just really want you to notice. Now, there are things that you can then, when you get some successes there, if somebody does take something, The best way to get people feeling like that was worth it is appreciation. Now, this is where people go, well, they don't appreciate me when I do all of this. Okay, ego person, flip up. If you have gratitude for something that you were fearful you had to take on that somebody else took on, forget the scorekeeping. You know what? That felt so loving. When you so quickly decided that you were going to jump in there and do that with the kids. I really appreciate that. You got to be the change you wish to see. This isn't manipulation. This is tending to when people do new things and they need to see there's some benefit in it for them. And, and if your relationship has humor, you can say, and, and I also know you appreciate me. Thank you. I'm just going to take that, you know, whatever it fits about. But you're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. And if they weren't your partner and you ask a coworker to take something on, you would probably reach out and thank them. And so it's time to get some of our manners back. It's time to— in the home, we probably have gotten pretty lazy about points of affirmation. Mm-hmm. We don't want to do exception reporting where we just point out what people are doing wrong. We want to make sure that we're also pointing out what people— and I don't like right and wrong— but what people are doing that you found helpful. And so getting back in there now, if you've got some good practice in just in the moment asking for what you need, problem-solving together, ask permission. Instead of you coming in and going, do you have a minute? Because I need us to sit down and do a schedule for the next week. I really have enjoyed the times that we've been able to work together. It seems like things are really solvable. You add a lot of perspective. I tend to gold plate things and think it needs to be done perfectly, and I appreciate that perspective. I'm just wondering if you're willing for us to do a little bit longer range, um, plan. I know these are some of the big things coming up that I'm feeling worried about, and so You know, what's your tolerance? What's your capacity right now for talking some of those things through? And remember the timeouts. Therapists will tell you if you start to get flooded and you get back into the crap about, well, you know, you're only signing up for 2 things, which is how you've done it the last 20 years, and I am not like your mother. Like, you get into that, just go, oh my gosh, I have to make an apology. I got flooded. And I really need to, um, Take a minute because I want to come to you with my best self. You're not my enemy. And the more you can role model making amends and repair attempts— I've talked about that in last episodes— the more you again create space for people to also role model. But don't make amends with a motive that you're going to then get what you need. Don't make amends with a motive that they're going to apologize also. Make amends so that you can feel better about your own self, that you don't have to carry the negativity of what you did out of integrity to another. Amends and apologies are your own healing, right? And they do help heal others, but they're your own healing. And then just practice this new skill set for when things change or when you need to plan further. So I hope that's a little helpful. Um, Lori, I'm so Appreciative that you're vulnerable to say, um, how people start playing defense with, I work harder, my job's more grueling, you have more flexibility. You know what, let's negotiate today and ask for what we need, ask for a little grace and mercy, all that good stuff. Buddy, I so appreciate you. Um, you know, just the full admission, so many things annoy me at different times of the day, the week, the month. I love that vulnerability. Like, dealing with execs and kids, I mean, that wasn't my strong suit in the beginning, and now it's like pile on, right? And so part of noticing your irritation might give you some indication into expectations or self-care. So if you're running on empty, the little things are gonna just be the whispers that it's like, You are not coming at this with full reserve. And so where do you need to do self-care rather than self-soothing? Remember, self-soothing numbs and postpones what we're struggling with. It makes us feel better temporarily, but self-care are habits and discipline and ways in which we work on our capacity for more without irritation. So like meditation works on building your capacity for fewer things to be irritating. So Self-care means you get irritated all day, grab a glass of wine to forget about the things you're irritated about. You haven't built any capacity, but you go back to the world just, you know, hopefully after a night's sleep, I started another day differently. Self-soothing is always kind of setting the reset button, hoping that one of these reboots, you know, a different software will load. Self-care is really about upgrading the software on a regular, um, basis. So that's one thing. The other thing that I talk a lot about is right now is a time to walk with great expectancy but not expectations. Expectations are deals we make with the universe. I've been a good girl, and so obviously you should shine love down on me and give me what I want. It's all about attachment. It's about, I have a plan and I want the universe to comply. Expectancy is walking through with a state of mind that great things happen and that we're smart people. And instead of my confidence being about the deal I made with the universe, or my confidence being based on certainty, my confidence is based on together We are smart people and can figure this out. I have some cool things to bring to the table. I'm open and willing to learn, and every day I get shown what's left of my ego, and I'm willing to notice, and I'm willing to do the messy stuff, and I know how to make amends. You can be free and walk through with confidence. But with the irritability, look for— do you just have expectations in And also, if they're unmet, were they unsaid? That takes me back to the last conversation. But how often do you just have expectations for people to think like you or read your mind or act like you or have been raised similar to you or, you know, to just notice what you aren't willing to say? Like, are your expectations even reasonable? Are your expectations things that you get tied to so that you can pretend to have certainty, which is all ego? Right? I know how this day will go. I— and look inside that great expectancy. I really expect, um, some great things for myself. I expect, um, I have expectancy that, um, you know, today will be pretty messy and we'll learn some things and we'll have some things we need to learn from. All is good. Expectancy is all about kind of the perspective that you want to walk through the world with. It's toggled up into high self. It's where your natural state is innovative, collaborative, Collaborative, accountable. It is a place where you don't know which portal will open, but your eyes are wide open so you could see many options and portals. You, you feel like you have— you're using all of your intelligence, you're in brain coherence, you have kind of a trust for yourself and others. You have your fallback position is, you know, it's good, we got this, right? Expectations lead to a lot of irritability and disgruntlement because it's just full of judgment. It's like, well, This hasn't gone south yet, but it's about to go south. Or this is exactly what they've done the last 10 years. Like, irritability can be like quick to— I almost felt vulnerable. Irritability can be a protection for not being vulnerable or not sharing what's really going on with you, not asking for help. It's easy just to be irritated by the world and make it about them. They're so irritating. And it also is those expectations where, like, who needs God when you have me? Like, you should be following my script. Like, instead of going into the world with curiosity, which builds our energy and opens us up, instead of going into the world with a distinct separation between what is happening and the story I add to it, a separation between my thinking and my being thought— am I not believing everything I could, I can? Those are where expectations gets you right into the concrete mind, which gets you into form, as Eckhart Tolle talks about, which gets you into suffering. Very quickly, irritation is a very accepted form of suffering when expectancy. So irritation, you get down to I just have to persevere in a tough world. It's not a great future. You're toggled down. You're using the most primitive part of your intelligence, and most of your options. You're thinking my only option here is fight or flight, and so I disengage, and then I self. Soothe. It's all about ego and the toggle switch. Now, if you find yourself working with these concepts and you have some ongoing irritability, also good to notice. And maybe in your note-taking or journaling, notice if it changes over time. Are there any cycles in that? And you can figure out what that might be for you. It might be hormonal. It might be the moon. It might be— You know, that you're, um, you know, kids get especially grumpy, you know, by 8 o'clock. I don't know what those cycles are, but notice those. If it tends to be a constant state and you're not finding some relief even with the tools and techniques that we're talking about, it could be something even situational or chemical. A key sign of, of some depression is irritability and just having few reserves, just feeling scratched by the world, like, like everywhere you look is kind of like chalk on a chalkboard. And you might find some relief, you know, from methodologies, or whether it's talk therapy or some medication support. Just notice and start to make yourself a project of that self-study, because this could be a spectrum to I let my habits go and I'm running on little sleep and I'm irritable. It's that situational to it's something maybe bigger that I could impact on a bigger level. But I cannot tell you how important HALT is. And I learned this from the people in the 12 steps. H-A-L-T. Feeling irritable? Halt. Stop. H stands for hunger. A stands for anger. L stands for lonely. T stands for tired. When you're trying to do new hard things, and we all can do hard things, when you're trying to do that, this is like your timeout check-in if you have to do a quick check. And so when I'm feeling especially irritable and I'm like, well, that's not usual, like I super overreacted to that. H, am I hungry? Hunger isn't just, am I hungry? Am I hungry for nutritious foods? Meaning, what have I been eating? Maybe I'm full but not satisfied. Is it, you know, do I need to stop whatever your preferences are eating processed and eat more, you know, fresh if you're able to afford that? And I know there's some limitations, but, and it's also just hunger for what am I craving Is it a good book rather than watching the news for 4 hours tonight? Is it turning everything off and just having some quiet in this house? Like, what am I hungry for? And that's a check-in that you look at what you're consuming, everything from food and vitamins to news feeds to how long you're on the phone with some folks that you haven't set boundaries with. Like, look around at your surroundings and what are you consuming? What are you eating on a daily basis? And what could you change just for now? So am I hungry? Am I angry? That anger is, um, a sign. I don't want you to just, you know, spiritually bypass to go, oh, I'm angry, but Sy would say none of it ever really happens, and so I'm just going to move to forgiveness. If you can do that, awesome. It was just a story. But if you have some anger, spend some time with that, sort that out. Most anger, as I've said, you haven't had to ask for what you need. You're expecting somebody else to do for you that you're not even doing for yourself. Like, I wish they would stand up for me. Well, are you standing up for you? Like, so many times we're mad at other people when we're really mad at ourselves. I'm mad at the person I had the call with for not appreciating how valuable my time is. Dang it, I'm really mad at me for not appreciating how valuable my time is, and I chose to give them a lot of time. What is that about? Oh, I wanted to keep the peace. I wanted them to like me. I wanted to be perceived as super helpful, because when my ego has that image of Sai super helpful, then I'm liked for what I do, and there'll be no incident of people abandoning me or disapproving me. Oh my gosh, I'm now 7 years old again. Trying to, you know, keep the peace at home. Good to know. If I don't want to be angry in the future, huh, I need to value my time more and quit being mad at other people not valuing my time and expecting them to do for me which I'm not even willing to do for myself. Notice those things. What are you angry about? And what does that anger— it's good information. Did a big boundary just get Are you, you know, as, as Buddy reported, irritable? Lonely. The weirdest thing when it comes to lonely is a lot of times you're lonely for your own dang self. I'm not talking about alone means you're lonely. Lonely is that it's not how many people you have in your life, it's not how many are out there, it's the gap. Of how many connections you have and what the quality is and how many you prefer and what the quality is you prefer. You could have one awesome friend you talk to once a year, and for you that could be plenty. It's high quality. But a lot of times when we're lonely, it's scared of being in solitude, and part of us need to run into that fire and realize, am I lonely just for— when's the last time I connected with me? When's the last time I sat in stillness or, you know, read a great book or listened to some great poetry? Don't always think that if you're lonely it's about somebody, connection with somebody else, especially if you're an over-functioner, if you're an overachiever, if you're an overdoer, because that can just add to your irritation. Oh, I think I'm lonely, I'll call my mom up, and all of a sudden I'm agreeing to do her online grocery order Because the iPad we gave her and trained her on, she's scared to use. Like, no. So really check in. What's that loneliness about? What are you really pining for? What's coming home to yourself? What are you ignoring about yourself? And it could be you're lonely and you need to reach out to people, but with boundaries, right? It's that you need to reach out and ask for what you need. And then the tired piece. Is super important. And it's not just about rest, it's about good rest. Electronics out of the bedroom. Like hygiene. Are you tired because now you're on 14 hours a day and you carry your phone around? And in the office, your response time would have been appropriate to be an hour, and now you're like, oh my God, my boss texted 2 minutes ago, but I'm on a call and I got a text back while I'm call— like, are you tired because You don't have some containers around, um, you know, what's work and what's not work, that you don't have some rituals around that? Are you tired because you have back-to-back Zoom meetings? Are you exhausted, um, you know, Zoom fatigued? Are you, uh, you— what is the source of your being tired? It doesn't mean maybe just sleep. And I've really noticed for myself, I think I talked about this before, Um, how quickly that went for me. I used to say I don't need that much sleep. I realized I need a lot of sleep. I'm here in Mexico. We're on solar. So when the sun goes down, we have a little bit of time. But pretty much when I first came here, I would go to bed when I watched the beautiful sunset. It was kind of my end of day ritual. I'd go to bed with like no electronics and I'd wake up as the sun rose. And I found myself, I'm like, oh, I got to hurry up and charge my computer because I could watch Another 12 episodes of this Netflix thing I don't care that much about. I never watched TV back in my, like, traditional life at home. It's like not me. But I started to realize that I started to short myself on sleep, bring electronics in, skip my rituals sometimes. And so now for me, I just— it starts to be 5 o'clock, I light a candle. That's kind of my Day is done. I put my phone away. I let people know that I'm just not available. I don't know what it is for you. The other thing I've gotten really tired of is I've gotten tired of my own damn self and my own stories sometimes. So notice when you're just tired of yourself being a victim about something. Instead of talking to that partner, I call my girlfriends up and I talk about that partner. Notice if some of what is making you tired Is that you're just tired of your old stories and you're, you're tired of losing energy from a victim mindset. And so that's important, um, as well. So HALT, just something for you to think about, another little template to run through and see how that works for you. Robin asks, is this about the ego? Yes, only, always. If you're suffering If you're feeling disconnected, if you're pining or into the future, if you're out of the present moment, it's just always about ego. We won't get rid of it. We need to know it's the human condition. We need to love ourselves with it and just get— quit playing— get, um, quit getting played by it. That's like our natural state. You will screw this up 100 times a day. You have to flip up. You don't do it violently. Don't go, oh. Beat yourself up and then flip up. Just go, oh, toggle down, gotta toggle up. Just notice so that you're moving through the world more consciously, with more intention, with more choice, and you're feeling less, um, needy of directing the world so that you can get energy by releasing your self-responsibility and just enjoying some of the world going by you. It puts you in a place to maximize your energy, maximize your full enjoyment and contentment. It's unhooking, but it's not unhooking through acquiescing. It's unhooking through surrendering. Surrendering means I stay fully engaged. I'm just really clear about kind of my healthy tension and holding space, and many things can be true, and not believing my stories and staying curious and not knowing what you need in your life, but allowing It's the healthy tension of allowing, which isn't passive, it's active. Allowing is probably the hardest thing you could ever do. It's like holding a pose in yoga. If you are trying to hold it, you'll exhaust yourself. People say relax into it. That's the allowing. So you have to be willing to be impacting and allowing at the same time. And that's where that internal wisdom meets the world, the messy stuff. And comes outward as love and not irritation. It's the, the holding of these, this juxtaposed set of energies, so to speak. I forgot this technique. I used it when my scope of control went from like 10 people to like 70 people, and there's just this lineup at my door of, hey, Sai, do you have a minute? Hey, Sai, do you have a minute? And it was like not efficient. So I just Then it was physical, put outside my door, write your name up and how long you think you'll need, right? If it's over 10 minutes, then schedule something. But basically, here's my office hours. I am ready, willing, and able. You could just open up a Zoom for 2 hours and use the waiting room. Tell people, sign in, get yourself in the waiting room. I'll kind of call on you next. I did that on a whiteboard where people would write their name. If they felt theirs was more urgent, They would bump somebody. And that was cool because they would have a conversation about, why'd you bump me? Mine's more urgent and here's why. It was really good stuff. And then when they came in, I expected them to come in with shared accountability, to come in with processed information. Because too many people are like, hey, do you have a minute? They bring you unprocessed information. They haven't even thought through what story, what's true. And then unprocessed information, you're the leader. You have very limited time. You take it. He who processes it takes action. You just reinforce the victim mindset. So my tool, the SBAR, was born at this time, or adopted, because I stole it from the nurses. Cy, do you have a minute? Yep. Sign up for office hours. Every day I have this space for you guys. And if somebody never signs up, I go after them. Nicely. What's up? I was— I haven't seen you in office hours for a week, so I wanted to reach out personally and connect. And tell me what your issue is, and then come prepared with your SBAR. And SBAR is a template. S-B-A-R. It's another acronym. What is the situation in one sentence or less? What's the relevant background? What have you done to analyze or assess this? Have you checked with the person you're upset with? Have you validated this isn't hearsay? Do you have some best practices from how This is being handled in other areas or departments. You don't have to have done the full study, but I want you to come in then with some recommendations, plural. Not that you need to know how to solve it, but what are some next steps you think would move us in the direction of resolving? And this way, when you come in, like, what's the situation? If you have this big long story and it's not edited, I need it down to one sentence. Right? I need you to self-reflect. It's so difficult to write short rather than long. What is it? Well, you know, I just worry about this and I just think, and if you look into the future, it could go on. I mean, I don't know if it'll get worse, but it might get worse. I'm just really anxious. It's like, what's the issue? We aren't yet 100% compliant in this area. Thank you. Tell me about some things you've noticed, right? So that you have people come down. Because sometimes the issue is, I don't like it because I haven't upped my skill sets to be able to handle it. Like, it's not everything for you to fix. Relevant background, we don't work for the History Channel. If you start this out with, well, you have to go back to '89 when we merged and I got a different title than Frank did. It's— We don't— give me the context. What are we trying to create and how does this play into that, the future? We're moving forward. Like I said, your assessment recommendations need to be plural, otherwise you just give me your ego preference, how you would like the world to be. You know, we could move forward in, in the following ways and get more information from other people. I don't have the preferred solution. Or here's the best practice I found, super easy to implement. I think people will go for it, they just don't know about it. Whatever that is. So even in the opening up the office hours, you're calling people to greatness in what they bring to you, which is how you use things like a pandemic for evolution and growth, is you say, you probably are walking with a lot of anxiety. I'm going to implement office hours so I'm accessible to you, and here's how you can be responsible for your part in successful office hours. Come with this. And if people in the beginning, that's too much for your team, come and virtually just have them walk through with you. Go, you know, here's a template I use. If I thought about the S, I would think it's this. So I'm glad that you're thinking about that. And pseudo-evolution, we're gonna have to coin that because I don't think that has ever come out of my mouth like that before, pseudo-evolution. But if you want to read more about this, people call it spiritually bypassing. So it's that kind of thing that I can believe that everything happens for a reason. I can have that as like a long-term belief because when bad things have happened 10 years later, I can see looking back the turning point in that. But spiritual bypassing is, let's say that my parent has COVID and is really sick and it's touch and go, spiritual bypassing is like, oh, wait a minute, instead of feeling fear, I just, you know, I trust God and everything happens for a reason. That's not real. And it's like pseudo-evolution, right? And I'll never forget when I first got married, um, to Richard, my second husband. I really Wanted to— like, I was evolved. Like, I came out of my first marriage, I took the year my therapist told you one takes, I worked on my stuff. I, I was very evolved. So I'll never forget, there's this one gala that, um, I was supposed to emcee, and I'm kind of an introvert. So the worst thing you can say to me after I get off the road on Friday night is, hey, guess what, let's put on a ball gown and a tux. And let's, uh, let's go mingle with 1,000 people on stage again, right? But it was for the, the Red Cross— the American Heart Association. So I wanted to help. My brother died at the age of 36 of a heart attack. He went to the emergency room. He didn't get the care that could have helped him. And so it was like lack of awareness. So I'm all for this cause. And, um, he was serving in I don't think he was on the board, but he was on this committee, and he volunteered me to emcee and speak at this event. I agree with all that in theory. So I get home and he's like, remember, we have that thing tonight. I'm like, oh, gosh dang it, that's right. I'll go jump in the shower. I'll get ready. And he's like, hey, since you and I are taking a trip and trips are— I'm sorry, a vacation. Vacations are without kids and trips are with kids. so we have to be careful of language. We— the two of us were leaving on a vacation, so without kids. He's like, and I won't see my kids for the next week. What would you think if I stayed home just to kind of have one great night with the kids and, and you kind of did that thing on your own? We both, you know, we both hate these things. So instead of being honest, I was evolved. I spiritually bypassed. I'm like, oh my gosh, of course. Of course. I want to be the evolved woman. I'm like, you stay home and have a blast. I will go there. I'll cut it short. I'll get home as quick as I can. Just have fun. So I go, and here's where my resentments are building up. I go and all these people come up to me. I'm really bad with names because I meet— you meet me and you remember my name, but I meet maybe 1,000 people a week. People are coming up to me. I know we've probably even had like dinner with them. And he isn't there to go, hey, Charlie. You remember Sai. So I'm ticked he isn't there. And I wore my beautiful high heels, which are just table shoes. They aren't walk clear across the convention center to get a drink shoe. So I'm like now mad that I have to go get my own drinks. And I'm mad that I have to say where he is every time. So by the time I get home, I am like— I'm furious. And I come home and the house is like a mess. It looks like they had a damn blast. And so I'm like, what is going on here? And how disrespectful could this be? And I'm out representing the family and you're here and the things are a mess. And he's really literal. He's like, well, wait a minute, you said have fun. And so I did that and now you're mad. And it felt like I was mad at him. Who was I really mad at? Me, because I'm a big liar. When he said, Sai, are you okay with me staying home? I need to say no. By the way, you might think I'm an evolved person. This area I'm super petty about, super not evolved. It is a partnership. If I'm suffering, you're suffering. So if I have to do this stuff, we both go together. Um, and doesn't matter what you think of that, I'm not evolved and I don't spiritually bypass that. But I spiritually bypassed that, that, that pseudo-evolution. I'm like, I'm super evolved. I didn't represent myself, but I wasn't that evolved. I'm just like, well, of course I can go do things on my own, and it doesn't matter to— I don't have to be accompanying. I'm all about equal rights. Well, evidently I'm not when it comes to going and getting your own drink in high-heeled shoes. It sounds like I like chivalry. So I say that funny story just because I want you guys If you look into this, it's kind of the next form. I'm handling it in my next book, but it's the next form of how your ego mutates and kind of plays you, is you now know what Psy would say. And so you jump to that prematurely without really mining for where you need to maybe change a boundary or ask for something or just accept that's who you are, that that's just one of your deals. You don't like, you know, being hugged tightly and held, right? It's like, that's just one of my deals. I don't like people, um, eating ice cream out of the container. And you can show me all the scientific evidence that I probably won't die from it, but can I just ask your grace to stop doing that? Just have your own container. So don't— we're not trying to become these just, um, mind-dead, numb People who just kind of smile all the time and accept whatever is. There's good information in there. And I take you back to your 2 options. The information either is change something, whether that's for yourself or a request of others, or radically accept it. But don't do this pseudo thing where I'm going to just in the middle, I'm going to not do anything and not accept it. I'm just going to stick around and vent about it, or I'm just going to internalize it. Rather than trying to actualize on it. So, um, overserving is a big deal, you guys. In a pandemic, you will see people stressed, a bunch of people under-function, a bunch of people over-function. And if you were an over-functioner in your first family, and if you get a lot of, um, kudos for being the person that saves the day, you start to over-rely on that part of your emotional diet. And under-rely on the internal world. And, um, that's what midlife crises are made of, just as a therapist. That's like where people throw the baby out with the bathwater. They just like kind of blow up everything. So be careful of that one. I'm glad that, that you're calling that, um, out. As we, um, wrap up here, um, Ellie's jumping in like, ask for what you need, don't There's another stress that tends to be with females. Again, I don't want to over-stereotype, and it's even just the stress of household management. So even if, like, let's say in the relationship I'm a more traditional female in a male-female relationship— I just want to be respectful to all ways in which we come together throughout our life— but when I see laundry, something registers in me. I go, oh, Laundry, let me pause and throw it in. Other people in our household walk by laundry and it never flips the switch— laundry, pause, put it in. So we, the overservers, we go, oh, laundry, I don't want to do all the laundry myself, so I have to figure out who should do that, and I have to make the ask, and I have to kind of check on whether they did it because somebody needs socks for tomorrow. That overall stress. Okay, so first step is asking for what you need, and then second step is asking for people to take on not just the per request, but to take on seeing with more kind of aware eyes of the things that need to be done. And so that's just like when we develop our people, we start with this and we develop beyond that. That becomes like phase 2 where you start to ask for their agreement around how they're going to manage a situation like laundry. And it's moving an employee up from doing what you ask them to do to kind of thinking more enterprise-wide and seeing things that need to happen and having anticipation and those types of things. It's that same kind of thing. So people can't read your mind. And then once they take something over, I talked about this in another Facebook Live, quit being the controller. You don't get to decide how it's done as long as it's done to hygienic standards. So be ready when you ask for help. You can't impose all of your standards on the thing. And it does feel silly at times because a lot of us just want to be able to do it. Just because I'm able to do it doesn't mean I want to, or that I think it's going to end up in, after we get the kids to bed, us having a nice evening together. I've got to do what I need to do to manage my own level of expectation and disappointment. And I got to take responsibility for that. Scorekeeping never makes anyone feel better because it's ego math. Nobody ever does accurate math. In situations where people are dividing assets, people get so ticked on like scorekeeping. Well, you got that, I need to get this. But when you put this in the spreadsheet and by the time you divide it and equalize clear to the bottom, you're— you thought you're talking about $1,000, you're talking about $20. It never— in the big picture, are you ever gonna get that math done? I'm gonna sign off, but leaders, colleagues, Family members. Everything I tell you is seconds. That's the evolve yourself. Love wins first and foremost. Keep your relationships intact. Doesn't matter what's happening with the laundry. Be there for each other. Love each other. Big love wins this thing. It's what's going to get us all through. Stay involved in the human race. Look around you for people that don't have the privilege that you have. Figure out ways to help out. Until next week, I adore you guys. Thanks for joining. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.