Finding Peace Amongst the Chaos

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Welcome everyone to another episode of the No Ego Podcast. For as long as it's helpful, I am going to switch the focus of the podcast And use it to answer questions that you all have while you're going through this pandemic. And everyone's experience is very different depending on where you're at in the world or in the US, whether you're an essential employee out working every day out in the community or in healthcare, or whether you're working from home, whether you have kids that you're also homeschooling or not. Everybody's experience is so different. But I wanted to create and space in the podcast to move away from the letters we were answering. That was our whole intention for episode 3, is that you would write me some letters and we could figure out, or I could suggest to you, ways to really go deep and apply reality-based leadership principles. And it appears as if the universe gave us a very good place to practice unhooking from our thinking and our ego and trying to find a place of peace and really moving forward from that place. So I have it in front of me, tons of questions, and I want you to keep your questions coming because I really am very, very excited to answer those questions and see how I can be of most help. If you are following us, you'll realize that on our Facebook page, the Psy Awakening Business page, and we also make sure that we talk about this on our Instagram and LinkedIn and other places. I am creating space live on Facebook. That's the best medium for us right now from where I'm broadcasting from. In case you're wondering why I'm so tan, I'm broadcasting from Mexico. I am in Mexico. I've chosen not, at least for right now, to try and travel back to the US, so I've kind of hunkered down and I'm helping any way I can from here. But that means self-producing a podcast and Facebook Live and other things. So I'm coming live on Facebook at least once a week next week. And this week that you're hearing it, it will be actually on Thursday at noon Central Time. And so that would be the 16th, April 16th, noon Central Time. It's live. But of course, we're recording the Facebook Live, and all of those past Facebook Lives are on our website. And then we're also trying to carve this podcast and the Facebook Live experience down into some bite-sized pieces to connect with you via, you know, Instagram or any place we can post it that makes it easier to consume and, and to get you right to those questions. So just make sure you're following us, that other people are following us. If this is helpful medium for you in the podcast, make sure that you're sharing it with others. I want to start out today just to acknowledge that in the HR community we've lost a very dear friend, Chris Fields. And I just found out today, and I'm just heartbroken— Chris has been an amazing resource for so many of us in HR and beyond. We see him at lots of SHRM gatherings, whether he is speaking or writing or blogging, or his presence and commentary on social media has been an important part of our community, and he will definitely be missed. He was the guy I reached out to help my kids with their resumes, and I mean, his talent was beyond resumes. What I'm most grateful to Chris for is Chris really educated me in many ways when I was speaking from my experience and not acknowledging that my experience wasn't the experience of many others. So he really helped me understand different perspectives, different experiences, different backgrounds. And I know we're all grieving today, and I just wanted to give a shout out to him on this particular podcast. As we get into some of these questions, I just want to remind you how fertile today's world is for the work of the ego. And the ego is just craving certainty. The ego wants guarantees. The ego wants to know how this all ends. The ego wants to know what others are going to do for us and ignores the fact that we have a big part in writing the next chapter of how things work out, how things go. And the ego loves certainty even over accuracy, so it will grab a certainty that we're all, you know, not gonna be okay over accuracy. It will really crave certainty, and it wants answers, and it demands answers, and it throws tantrums. And well, that's what the ego is craving right now. I will tell you what people are really needing is connection, to know that we're not alone. Resiliency isn't about being able to rise up and muscle through and be the smartest person with the biggest reserves. Resiliency is really more about connection and knowing that we're not alone. And confidence is all about, I may not be able to get through this perfectly, but together I'm sure that we are smart enough and good-hearted enough and willing enough to make sure that we're moving forward through this quickly. And so Connect with people. If you're a leader, if you're a colleague, connect with people and realize that whatever behavior they're into, whether it's doomsday or whether it's complaining or venting or whatever they're into, it comes down to one thing, and that's fear. The ego works in fear-based ways. And so when you're tending to the person first, if I can give you one tip during this time, just notice whatever you're seeing that isn't admirable in people, it's fear-based. The first thing you can do to really bring people up to what we call high self, if you want to influence them in any way, is just try and address the fear with, you know, I'm willing, I've got this, we've got this together, we can— just really seeing people from the place that they're acting out of, which is fear. And when you're looking for how can I move forward differently, know that moving forward out of fear will just create more fear and anxiety and chaos and hard feelings many times. And that for a lot of the questions I'm getting, my whole answer is first return yourself to peace and calm and connection with that part of you that's been through hard times before, that has survived a lot, that knows that everything's okay in the end, or it's not the end. Like Like, we've got to really 100 times a day choose love over fear, choose peace and hope and knowing over fear and anger and dreading. So really finding moments of peace, moments of knowing, is so important. So I want to jump into some of the questions we have and see what I can answer for you, see what I can help and go from there. So the first question comes from Anonymous in Pennsylvania, and he or she says that they're working with a mixed group of employees, and some of the employees that are on their team grew up with technology and others were still using paper to maintain a business, and they're now currently working from home. And here she says it appears that the latter group wants to go into the office to work, that they're pushing to get back to the office as soon as possible, and this person is quite content and even more productive working from home, and asks, how would you express your desire to work from home rather than going back into the office during this time? They say that their state's under a state of emergency, all non-essential businesses have closed, this person's company sent them home, and while they're working, I for an essential business. The work that this person's doing could be done completely from home, and here she's considered high-risk according to the CDC. So the main question is, how do I express this need? And if you move on to the fear, if you can pick up on the fear in this, it's like, I'm comfortable from working from home, but all these other people who are used to paper-based business and who are more comfortable working in the office because they aren't good at technology are gonna ruin this for me, and we're all gonna have to go back to work and I'm at risk. And although this person is asking for help, which is the perfect thing to do when you're in fear, I just want you to see how the fear is that we can't all get what we need. And when you're in fear, you get to a scarcity mentality that if I— if they win, I will lose. And so whenever you're in fear, get back into a place where we can bring space for a bigger solution, that we really can get people what they need, that there is an abundance for people to all get their needs met as we work through those. So first of all, the question is, how do I ask for what I need? And my answer to that is get very clear about what you need and then very clean about taking the fear out. So the answer isn't, you know, I'm scared that these people are gonna ruin it for us and take us back to work in the office, and I could be doing this from home. That's not the place to ask for what you need. I would like you to ask for the person who can arrange for you what you need, ask for time with them, and have processed this work so that you are just kind and loving towards the needs of others, so that you promote them getting what they need, and you ask for what you need. If you ask for what you need in opposition to what somebody else needs, you are creating conflict for that person, and they have to figure out who to please. There's no way to please everybody. But if you can come really cleanly and say that you acknowledge that you want for everyone else what it is they need, and you would like to ask for what you need as well, it acknowledges that you're making room and space and respecting others, and you're asking for that which you're already giving. It's a great position to ask from. Now, you may not be able to determine the outcome, but I would get very clean. Ask for time. Mm-hmm. And say, we are in an essential business. The work that I'm doing, however, can be done from home. I have some risks that would make it so that it would be high risk for me to be out and about, and I would like to ask if I can guarantee you a great standard of work, could I work from home? And regardless of what everybody else is doing, and then I would ask if the person hesitant, they're like, well, I don't know. How could I help you be very confident in making this decision? What could I do to, you know, help you feel at ease with this decision? It's something I want and would feel at ease with, and I'm just wondering what could I do to help you feel at ease? See, so many times we make a decision that beneficial to one person or easy for one person. Of course it's easy for me. I love technology and I like working from home. I want you to figure out how you can also make it easy for another. So I would just— how do you ask for what you need? Claim time. Be willing to do what you need to do to get what you're asking for. Acknowledge that no one's right or wrong in this. Create space that everybody can get their needs met. met, and then make it easy for that person to say yes because you're not asking them to do more, you're offering to really earn what you're asking for. So I think that part's really simple. Now for the fear base, when we're looking at, oh my gosh, these people are used to paper and I am able to use technology, and if you really want to make sure that we can benefit from from this new world we find ourselves in, rather than judging the folks that have not kept their skills up, is there a way that you can help them be the help you wish to see in the world? Like, if it's so easy for you, you go first. How could you reach out to some of these people that are maybe driving the energy back to work because that's where they're comfortable? How could you even reach out to them and say, I realize as I made the transition to work from home, that knowing how you've worked in the past, it may not have been as natural for you. And I wanted to offer time to you to see if there's something I can help mentor you through when it comes to technology or working from home, if I can share some of the things that make it easier for me. Rather than see your colleagues as the enemies who could tip the scales back to the office, Maybe you could see them as colleagues that are lesser skilled than you, were caught unaware, and they could be people that you could actually reach out to and say that— or offer to help them in ways that you right now have more skill in. And so I just really want you to ask yourself how you can help others adjust, how you can help others feel good about the work-from-home solution without motive. Mm-hmm. Not with like, I want you to get good at this, we don't have to go back to the office. Take that off the table. That's not your business. But helping people be comfortable with what we're being asked to do is just good peer-to-peer relationship, creating space that there's room for all of us to find ways to contribute and to either increase our comfort or be comfortable. It's all good. Resist the urge, everyone, to get into scarcity. If they get something, I lose. If they win, I lose. I'm the one who got prepared, they are not. Now, in a time like this, there's just not room to bring that scarcity model into the picture. So create room for all, help out when you can, ask for what you need. This is time to get radically simple. Someone's not able to work well from home, help them. You need to work from home because of a health risk, ask directly for it. This is not the time to hint around because passive-aggressive, just hope for what you need. This is the time to truly adult. Reach out and help people who need help. Ask for what you need. Move quickly through an answer you don't like. Just follow the simple instructions as best you can. And that's one way not to bring more drama into the world. So I hope, Anonymous in Pennsylvania, that you're home safe because of your own risk. And I hope that you're loving up those people that aren't as comfortable as you are. And I hope that you're impressing your boss by asking for what you need directly. Next question. Maria from Lancaster says, although I have been working at home for several years now, the most recent events and the impact to the economy have made me very anxious and distracted. I think we can all relate to this. Working online all day makes it hard to avoid the media reports, which seem to be more exaggerated and negative with each passing day. I feel paralyzed and incapable of performing the most basic at-work tasks. I'm in business development, and in this role, it's difficult to encourage anyone to take on new products or concepts in light of everything else going on. I feel as if reaching out to customers and potential clients is a waste of time, so losing my job is inevitable and it's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any ideas on how I can refocus and get back to productive work? Now, some of these questions may be dated, so maybe the first couple of weeks we were just settling in. I think a lot of us thought, you know, let's just get through this and go back to some normal. And now we're realizing it's not gonna be business as usual, it's gonna be like business as unusual. And so it's important as you go through this, whenever you're feeling suffering or pain or fear or anxiety, it's important first to acknowledge the feeling and to be compassionate towards yourself about what you're going through. Those feelings are on purpose trying to tell you something, indicating where you need to either reach out and get connection to apply to that, or whether you need to take a moment and apply compassion or love to that, or breath or healing or good self-care. When you're having those feelings, the worst thing you can do is try and prevent them and then, you know, get into that thinking. Because once you're thinking your feelings, you're into your story, you're believing everything you think, you're now into non-reality. So First thing I would do is just get clear, breathe in, get centered around what's true in your story. So what's true is you've been working from home, you are seeing yourself in a whole different situation, and you're experiencing some anxiety and angst and finding it difficult to focus. End of story. Where you got into story is, I basically know how this ends. My customers aren't gonna want anything. I'm in sales. I'm basically gonna lose my job over this. The other shoe's gonna fall. If you divided what you sent me into 2 spots, one is your current situation and the other is the way you're thinking, your feelings, and the story you've created for how this all is gonna end. So what I want you to do is just get back to the basic feelings because the solutions get pretty simple. I'm anxious and distracted. When you're feeling anxious or distracted, what I would ask you to do is instead of trying to focus yourself back with probably some violence, or, you know, dang it, I need to get this done, tend it to yourself first. If you need to get up, walk around, sit and just quietly go deep and breathe for 5 minutes, do what you need to do to reconnect out of the anxiety into that peaceful part of you, whatever you have found that works, and then begin again. If you find it distractive to be on the computer, shut down your alerts so that there isn't any beeping coming in. In Mexico, I have just made it for myself that I don't get any news alerts, and I've just structured my time for me, for my anxiety, to make sure that I'm just spending about a half hour a day with the news and the rest the time I've got the alerts shut off. I'm making sure I'm doing self-care of meditating twice a day, doing a lot of other self-calming techniques. When it comes to what you need to do for work, you have to stay out of knowing how this will end. You really have to stop the story there. No one's gonna want to buy anything. I would get down to the core of what it is you want to deliver, what it is you want to create, what it is you want to offer, without motive that I'm gonna sell something or they're gonna buy something. What I would hope for you is that change what you're trying to do, because if saying I'm not gonna make calls because no one's gonna want to buy this and I'm not gonna sell anything— if your goal is selling something during a crisis, you're probably gonna fail. You're not probably wrong on that. But what if you changed your goal to, I want to be helpful, I want to be calming, I want to offer assistance, I want to simply connect and help what I can? If you change the goal from sales, which— here's your ego. Your ego will make— your ego will make the goal the hardest ever so that it will prove itself right. It self-fulfilling kind of prophecy. Move out of ego and just say, if I were operating from my heart right now, what would I want for my clients and customers? I would want them to know that I'm a resource and that if there's something I can do for them, up to and including, you know, getting them to understand their new features on their software, or getting them to understand that we have some ways that we could quickly solve some of their dilemmas, it's more into saying to our clients and customers, my goal is not sales, my goal is checking in, my goal is helping where I can help, my goal is helping you use what you already have. Not every customer you have is in the same situation, and I want you just to connect in a way that's helpful to your customers. Change your goal. Outreach can be as simple as leaving just a quick voice memo or voicemail that just says, thinking of you, let me know if this would be helpful in your business. And then as you are online looking for things that you could send out to maintain relationships, to send people things that are helpful, to connect people together in ways that strengthen your relationship, that might lead to to sales further down the road or not. This is the time in business development to be focused on, in my opinion, supporting the relationship rather than selling to the people. So I hope that that is helpful, to move out without motive and just to be checking in. And when it comes to being distracted, I would tell you that a lot of your questions had to do with distraction. And a big piece of this is when you find yourself distracted, notice how you try and solve the problem. Is it kindness to yourself, or is it almost violence to yourself? When you're distracted, do you come down harder on yourself? Do— is your self-talk really negative, or is your self-talk more positive? And think about things like That what's going on in your head, like, oh, I need to be more productive, everybody else is doing well, instead of like your self-talk, just adjust it to, you know what, I'm really noticing that productivity comes and goes for me, and so I'm gonna try and make the best of those times when I'm feeling most productive. What if we just softened up, you know, oh my gosh, I'm a horrible parent and everybody else has their house under control, to I'm doing the best I can. This is tough stuff. I've never really homeschooled kids before. Part of this work is not in knowing how to stay focused and keep yourself reined in. It's the invitation just to be kind to yourself amongst what we're dealing with, and through that kindness Soothe yourself and then call yourself back up to greatness. Now, what can I do that might help my focus? And I have found all kinds of tools and techniques. For me, I'm really using blocks of time, not a schedule, but things I need to dedicate myself to. So I just look at the day and I just look— for me, what are important things for me to do today? I had meditation, I had exercise, I had to do a podcast. I didn't lay out I have to do a podcast at 9 o'clock. I just knew I needed to dedicate myself to that sometime today. I've got some writing I have to do sometime today, or I should say I'm choosing to do. What I do with that is I give myself a chunk of time and I say I'm gonna do this right now, and then after that I just don't go on to the next thing. I just take a break, I regroup, I do some time-wasting things probably, but then I tell myself I'm gonna pick another thing to dedicate myself to. And I always use Mel Robbins' 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, just go. But what I find is that I just go with my own productivity during the day right now. And when I have energy, that's not the time to think up what I should do next. When I have energy, I want to already have put some categories in place so I have energy and I can meet that with with one of 3 things I've dedicated to do today. Not even committed, because that sounds so have-to, like I've dedicated myself to do. And then I just pick one of those and go on to the next version of that. And lots of self-forgiveness that we're not as productive as we always were, that we have distractions, that we have some anxiety. We need to find ways to work with ourselves anew. And what you're probably finding is things that worked in the past don't work now, that you're really being called up to work through something very differently. Kathy from Austin sent me a wonderful long explanation and question, so I'm gonna paraphrase it for you. She said, dear Sai, I'm very extroverted. In fact, a typical day of me sitting at my desk, there's a line of people to ask me questions As well as tons of direct messages requesting my input or assistance. And she loves it, and she gets a lot of her needs met by people complimenting her and thanking her and acknowledging her role in all these great things. Like, I guess, Kathy, Kate, what you're realizing is what many of us hopefully are getting in touch with, is when the blurry and the busyness and the external rewards aren't there any longer, and we're left with less of what that busyness was covering up. In that stillness, in that bit of silence, we might start to realize that we were dependent on some things, that we were not necessarily self-generating, that we had some motive, that we were using some of that busyness to either avoid or or to motivate us through, that many of us are people pleasers and that we have our ex— our motivation comes from the external and we're over-functioning. So if we can keep you happier, if we can get a compliment, or if we can help you even though you were under-functioning come through at the end of the day, that we get so much of our energy and our accolades from Being able to, to give to others. And that sounds so innocent, except you have to notice what you do freely and what you do not freely. If you do something freely, it's with expectancy that we'll all live well and no expectation. If you do something not freely, it is with expectation. And when that doesn't happen, you start to notice that either you have resentments or you're not as willing or you're not motivated, this is the perfect time, Kate, for you to transition from external focus and rewards to internal focus and rewards. Kate goes on to say, I have conversations with myself to toggle up, and so far it's a mixed bag. Wow, new behavior always is a mixed bag. I feel like I'm lacking somewhere. I've even wanted to ask a couple of colleagues for some constructive criticism, but I'm pretty sure this is more for an ego boost, so I haven't asked. What I love about Kate is once all of that's taken away, she is realizing what she's been avoiding, what she's uncovering. And I really believe for all of you, Kate's bringing up an invitation for all of you to be brave enough to look at what's underneath all that busy What's underneath all of that have-to? What's underneath all that duty and obligation? What's underneath a lot of your behaviors? Like, what is the motive in what you're doing? Is it really because the world needs it and it's helpful, or is it really serving you in some way that feeds your own ego? So she says, my question for you is, what are some exercises to nip that insecurity in the bud And maybe more importantly, stop being such a people pleaser and still be effective at my job. Yep, you read that right. I don't even know if I'd be good at my job if I didn't have people to please. So help! Isolated in Austin. Any of you that are people pleasers— I'm included— we can quickly get into doing things for people as kind of a cry for love. We're worried that we won't be loved for just who we are. It's kind of the ultimate vulnerability and insecurity We think that we're loved for what we do, and so therefore we become kind of human doings, not human beings. So Kate, here's some techniques. First of all, I would encourage you on your Instagram, in your reading, to get really into anything that has to do with codependency. For those of us that are people pleasers, right, it's like keeping the peace out here creates war with ourselves. There's a big price to pay. And it's a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear driving that whole set of behaviors. And it's a huge road of discovery, I hope, for all of us as we are forced to have major changes in how we could move through the work kind of asleep, routinely, unconsciously. Now that things are disrupted and we need to move through the world more consciously, we're becoming aware of some of the not-so-pretty parts of ourselves. So get your— anything you can get your hands on that have to do with codependency. So on IG, go out and make it a project. Follow, you know, anything that has the word codependency in it. I think there's like Codependency Curious out there. There's a bunch of great IG accounts. Look at books for people-pleasing and codependency. Put this on project status and be willing to gently and lovingly go deep into the topic to really get to know your own ego, your own history in this, and really start to understand why I do this. What needs am I trying to get met? What are the consequences? What are the rewards? You don't have to know the answer yet. I want you just to go deep in noticing and gaining awareness on how you move through the world and Because before you can move through more skillfully, you got to get really clear how you move through the world. And I mean just noticing when you reached out for a compliment rather than to get an answer to the question. Don't judge it, don't change it, just notice it. That's the first piece. And when you notice it, then that leads you to self-reflection. So if I were you, I would ask myself, as you got into the craving or the wanting of this external affirmation, I would ask myself What am I needing right now in this moment? And think about how can I either give it to myself— how can I meet that need for myself, right? We got to quit expecting others to give us what we need to give ourselves. Or how can I get it from somebody else more cleanly? So I once worked with someone who tended to get passive-aggressive. It meant she would hint at needing to have someone thank her for what she did, or she would all of a sudden get resentful, like, I do everything and no one thanks me. And the things that she would do would drive people away, so they would make sure she didn't get what she needed. And this passive-aggressiveness, this indirect hinting, this like trying to manipulate your way into getting your needs met, make sure that you're never gonna get what you need, because even if you get it, you had to ask for it or manipulate it or It doesn't count. So the best thing you can do is just ask for what you need. I'm really proud of this project that I just turned in, and I would really like to hear from you if I met the mark and if there's a couple of things I could do differently in the future. Don't be the person who is trying to use somebody else to fill up something inside of you that only you can fill up and heal with your own work. But definitely ask for what you need. When I was a counselor, I would have a couple in my office and I would ask— and in this case it was the wife— I would say, what is one thing you need that you're not getting in this relationship? And she would say, well, I need to hear that I'm loved, and I want him to tell me he loves me out loud, and I want, you know, him to hug me. And I'm like, so you want to know that you're loved? That's a core need. Yes. And so I would say, well, let's just take care of that. And I turned to the husband and I said, do you love her? And he would say, yes, I do. And I would say, okay, so that need is met. What else do you need? And she would go, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, back up. It doesn't count because you had to ask him. And I'm like, wow, you get feedback all the time through his love language. that you're loved, but you've put so many rules on what counts and what doesn't count that you're missing all the external feedback you get. You're getting what you crave, but you're the one keeping you from that. So look at how you're keeping that out, or how somebody does give you a compliment and you unwind it, or you negate it, or you think that it doesn't count. So as I was working with her, I kept saying, if you need to know you're loved, if you're feeling unloved in the moment, just ask for what you need. Honey, I'm feeling insecure right now. I want to know if you love me. Will you tell me that, please? And I had her just do that and work through that ego voice of, that doesn't count, you had to ask, and he should just say it spontaneously. And but he doesn't stop all of the chatter that is you feeling unlovable, not him saying he isn't loving to you, he doesn't love you. So I said, what else do you want? She's like, well, I want him to hug me. And I'm like, okay, when you feel that you want a hug, try this: go up and ask him, honey, I need a hug right now, can I have one? Now he doesn't have to give you one if he doesn't feel like it, but get clean and ask for what you need. And she's like, well, what if he doesn't want to give it to me? I said, well, if you need a hug and it's not manipulation, then go out and ask anybody on the street, can I have a hug? And I've done this in my own life. It's like, honey, can I have a hug? And I dated somebody that wasn't big into public displays of affection. And when I needed a hug, I would just go to Al, who lived in our neighborhood. I'm like, Al, can I have a hug? And Al was always like, come here. And then he'd call his wife and Mary, so I need a hug. And in a very funny way, my getting what I need freed the person I was dating up to more spontaneously want to give me those things. But no one likes the feeling of coercion, so we hold back, or manipulation. So you aren't getting what you need because people are hesitant to give it, or when you are getting what you need, you're the one downplaying it and dismissing it. So I believe the world gives you what you need. You do good work. You're not being saturated because you're isolated in an environment. But get very clear when you feel needy, what you need. See if you can give it to yourself. If not, ask for it cleanly. You might just be an extrovert that says, I need some connection, and tell me all the ways you've missed me this week. But start weaning yourself off of needing the, the approval of others. And some people have heard me say this before, one of my favorite things I do in the morning is— because I'm a people pleaser, I want to come with good heart and good motive feel the pain of whatever it is I'm feeling without somebody filling it up with a compliment. Like, I want to get in touch with that. I say a prayer that was taught to me, and the prayer is, please release me from the need for love, approval, and appreciation. I just ask for intercession that's— that the powers that be will, like, release me from that. Because when I am needing love, approval, or appreciation, it changes my behavior to be externally focused and manipulative and trying to get my needs met underhandedly. And if I can release my need for that, I find out more clearly what I need. I try and give it to myself, and I try and apply love and compassion and grow beyond whatever that wound is. I try and fix from as an adult what perhaps I've needed since I was young, rather than putting that need on others. And that's part of growing up, Kate. That's part of adulting. That is part of the beautiful lesson our current times have brought to you. I hope that all of you are looking for ways— not that you need to radically change yourself, you're not broken, you don't need to become somebody totally different at the end of this. But what I hope that you do is you know yourself better because some things have been taken away. You have noticed yourself and observed yourself and really understood where you could stand to get skilled up and move through the world differently. I hope that all of you are welcoming that disruption as a time to really go within and And get still and really make room for all of it and really be okay with what is being revealed to you about you. You don't need to be a different person. And I don't want you to miss the impact of what these new times are revealing for you and giving you insight into about yourself that you can either heal or change or grow beyond. What is ego? What's not ego? It's such good information. For those of you that are leaders, I really want you to focus on comforting your people and calling people not just up to greatness but up to hopefulness. I'm changing kind of what's the call to greatness. I want you to reframe everybody's focus on hopefulness. And the last questions I want to connect with— I've gotten a couple of questions of people that are really wanting to help their people. And they're talking about whether it's Kylie from Denton or Alyssa from another Pennsylvania. I just got so many questions about people that are coming out with anxiety and fear-mongering. And, you know, one person says, how can I help others rise above the chaos and anxiety of these times. The frontline healthcare staff can either light a fire of focus or forward thinking. You know, they could be a fire of negativity, frustration, or toxicity, or they can be part of healing. Like, how do we balance these 2 paradigms? Other people are asking me— it says, it just disturbs me that people in healthcare are sometimes like losing their minds when they're some of the most important workers. We're in charge of people's lives. We don't get to lose our minds. Like, How do I keep my patience and be effective yet respect their perspective? Like, I get multiple texts a day that make me want to go crazy. Like, people are saying, how do we ditch the drama and move forward with this very important work? I've said this before, but you gotta tend to the person first. If people are sending you texts or in your presence, you right now are managing energy, not people, and you're also managing emotions. And you gotta know there's a lot of fear right now and anxiety, and that is all work of the ego. So the first thing you need to do is just some soothing. You're doing great. I hear the fear in that statement. I want to just acknowledge these are very uncertain times and things are changing quickly. Acknowledge it and then translate. I hear you asking what happens if this situation arises, so let's put our energy right now into brainstorming what are some of the things we could do if that presents itself today. So you need to come in and downplay Acknowledge, but dial down the fear, move it over, and dial up the hope and the innovation and the creativity. So for you, I want you to step back, get yourself calm first, and then go with calmness, with some assurance, some hopefulness. Individually, we may not have all that we need, but together we got this, you guys. Let's focus on how we can sometimes, instead of relying on them to come up with the answers. You've got to be even more directive in these times. You may have to say, right now I need you not to focus on tomorrow, I need you to focus on the next 10 minutes, and here's where I need you to put your energy. Somebody comes to you with a lot of things that recently happened on another shift— good to know, I appreciate you coming to me. I need us to bring in our focus to just the next hour. And for the next hour, what do you need to do to tend to this work at hand? Your job is to get things narrow. When people are stressing out, they're worried about what happened yesterday and what's gonna happen next month. Get narrow, get close in, give people something to focus on, be clear, direct them, let them know where you want them to focus next. That's not micromanaging. It's not telling them how to do their work. It's telling them where you want their time and attention right now. And some people need us to continually draw from them, draw them back to that little tiny moment where we actually can have impact, because we can't have impact in anything else. So what leaders do right now is lead their people to the moment that they can have impact and then turn them loose to have that impact. And so you may not be talking about strategies for the future, you may be talking about The next 5 minutes. A lot of times I'll say to people too, okay, given what you shared, here's what I can do for you. And I do something for them. And now let's talk about how we can address the situation. So these are just good language. Here's what I can do for you right now. Okay, and now we're good. Let's talk about how we can address the situation. You need to be more directive, not in how the work is gets done, but in where people can put their energy to make a difference. And so again, this is all kindness and loving, but words like, together we have this right now, currently, for what we need in the next, you know, 1 hour. Let's talk about how we can do the best we can and do this safely. Narrow the focus. Translate from the drama to the reality. Here's what we know for sure. Make your words soothing. Make sure there's clear direction. Help people really recenter. Move beyond that first emotion into next action. So people are gonna have feelings, but if the feelings are anxiety and fear and panic, Moving beyond that emotion into the next action. Tend to your people, but keep moving them forward. Because for most of us, taking action in a moment we can have impact is going to really move us beyond that moment of panic. For all of us, just figure out the quick solutions, figure out the hopefulness, and as leaders is tend to the people. I hear you. I acknowledge your feelings. I want to give you some hope. I know individually we can't do a lot. Together we will figure this out. Then call people into action. What can we do in this moment to make a difference and really live out our values? And so my hope is, as leaders, that You get really good at finding peace amidst the chaos, and that is a skill to really refine. Really being able to create space to hold many things that can be true. Um, you know, it can be that, you know, I have more than other people and yet I feel lost. I want you to be able to create a way that you can be peaceful with What is— I'm so grateful and yet kind of depressed. Like, really embrace the all of it, that it's messy. There's a lot of paradox in here. I'm a very spiritual person, and I just lost my, you know, shit on that thing. Like, find a place to create soothing space for all of it. Acknowledge that things are tough for all of us. We need to get still. Stay with yourself when you're tempted to, with busyness, or go find a compliment, or, you know, walk away from the task at hand when you're distracted, when you really want to flight out of it. Stay 1 minute longer. Practice getting still. Practice staying with yourself and doing what I call build a home there, which Whether it's feel the feelings, whether it's get quiet. And one of my favorite meditations is be still and know that I am God. That gets me really quiet. I'm like, I'm just gonna be still and know where it hurts, where you're anxious. Observe it. It's trying to teach you something. Be open to the lesson. Don't move into having to fix yourself. You're not that broken. We got this, you guys. It's an opportunity to look inward. It's an opportunity to listen to things maybe we've been deaf to. You don't have to know what the answer is. You just have to be willing to go inside and stay there for a little bit and see what's trying to come through for yourselves. I know on this podcast it was kind of all over the place. There's so much advice I want to give you, so much counsel. But the biggest advice is this: reality is not as harsh as the story you're creating about reality. And truly, right now, all of us are okay, and we're experiencing a lot of loss, and we're doing the hard stuff and trying to care for people, and some of us don't have what we need. All of that is Is true. But the way through this is to get peaceful with yourself so that you can see the next best thing you can do for another. Because if we can find peace, even for a moment, from that place, it will come to us what we have extra and how we can help. It will come to us how we can come outside of ourselves, helping rather than asking, helping rather than than judging. But it all starts from that place of peace. So leaders, bring peace to your people. Folks that are stressed, find one glimpse of peace so you remember what it's like. Find those macro and micro moments. And then when you find peace, bring it to others, because it's from this peaceful place that we really will know what to do next. And I'm pretty convinced we're surrounded by amazing, brilliant people who will not get through this without being impacted for the good and evolved for the better. So I really want you guys to be out there leading the way, helping the people, doing the good work. This is time for us in reality-based leadership who already have the practice in place, who already knew not to believe our own thinking, who already knew some of these tools and techniques, to be the ones who go first and teach the others and see if we can't bring comfort where it's needed. And most of the comfort that can be offered to people is the realization that what they thought was really happening isn't, and that reality is is not as harsh as our stories would make them up to be. So you guys be well, be safe, and I'll be back next week. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.