Getting Perspective

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Cy Wakeman. Welcome to another episode of the No Ego Podcast. For those of you watching this on video, you're going to see a makeshift kind of, uh, setup here. I am self-recording with my own iPhone and Zencastr in order to create podcasts for you. We're not putting pre-recorded podcasts out because we want to be really on target with what some of you might be experiencing as we're going through COVID-19 being transmitted throughout many, many countries. I'm in Mexico. I came down early March just for a few days, and then it quickly became evident that traveling back through customs at a time that people weren't as prepared, and distancing didn't seem like the brightest idea. So I stayed, and we continued to monitor the situation to figure out when it's best to travel back to the US. So in the meantime, I am here in Mexico. So what you're seeing is my makeshift studio, and doing just a lot of creating, leading my team from afar. We're doing so many of our Keynotes and trainings and our work that I normally would do in person virtually. And I think people are realizing a lot of advantages. I know there's a lot of challenges, but a lot of advantages to be able to get a lot of work done using Zoom or some of our other tools and doing it virtually. But we've switched the topic of No Ego Podcast away from season 3, what we were doing, and taking letters from— or emails, letters is kind of old-fashioned— from our fans and answering those with myself or with Alex, who's our VP of People Evolution, or inviting guests on to help answer those questions from a variety of perspectives of people that I respect. As we saw so much get disrupted, I I decided one of the best things I could do is try to be of help by coming to you directly on the topic of COVID-19 and the coronavirus and the way in which we either have stay-at-home orders or we're working from home or we're essential and we're out on the front lines. Or for so many of you, you're not working right now from home. And if you're listening to the No Ego Podcast, I'm proud of you because you need to continue your growth and development. And I'll try and do my best to bring you topics or information that just helps you move through this new reality skillfully, peacefully— must I even dare say contently— without extra anxiety, extra drama, extra fear. Feeling what you're feeling in the moment but not adding to that to the point where you're suffering from it. So I am excited. We've been getting some great questions. I'm going to answer those questions after I give you a few tips. Some of you who see me on video notice my skin's getting pretty dark. Yes, I wear sunscreen. My cheeks will be red because I just came in from a really great walk to get some exercise, but that's just what happens with sunscreen. So daily Fresh air, and I turn marvelous tan colors. So you're seeing me. If we were out in the wild, if we were on 30 Day Survivor episode, this is what Sai would look like with her hair and her tan. So good to be with all of you. Just want to acknowledge that we are all going through something together, which is. Amazing for us to find commonality and have a common experience. Many of us, our lives are disrupted at different times, but we are in a position where we have this common experience of really being part of transforming times. And that's a cool thing, and I hope that we're all using it to just take up full membership as human beings in the human race. With all that comes with it— vulnerability, trying things for the first time, making mistakes, having stress behaviors, having to learn to apologize and make amends. So if you really lean into this, it's pretty incredible that as humans we're having a common experience at the same time. And I want to acknowledge that even though we're kind of in the same storm, we're not necessarily in the same boat. And that acknowledgement comes where it's an incredible common experience that the world has just kind of stopped and the universe put us all in some peculiar timeouts, or time right on the front line of the crisis. And that has some cool things going for it if we lean into that. But I also want us to lean into, or invite you to lean into, the fact that even though we're all going through this together, depending on our situation in life, we're not necessarily going through this with the same experience, depending on what we had for emotional reserves, financial reserves, depending on the healthcare that we've received, not only for us to date but for generations back. It really depends on our socioeconomic status, where we live, Here in Mexico, for instance, you know, everyone is saying wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands. One of the key defenses to keep yourself safe from corona is wash your hands. And here that is a bit tone-deaf because in our area, I'm told about 50% of the people who live here don't have running water or running clean water. And so it's even just helping think about advice like that That is a main defense against the virus can be very tone-deaf if you're not in tune to the day-to-day living activities of the people that you are walking side by side with. So I'm saying that only because I would like for you to be a lot less judgmental, a lot more helpful. Stay curious. Don't jump into knowing and trying to use your intellect to know what to do and get through this. Open-minded, open-hearted, soft-hearted, just willing to see things from many perspectives. So I want to start with a bit of offering of a strategy or technique. I try and give you those as we get into the podcast, and I'm also giving you those on Facebook Live. If you haven't been joining us, Sai Wakeman Facebook Live page, the business page, we put up there how often we're going live. Next week we'll be live, I believe it's Thursday at 12 Central, and we would love to have you join us. If you don't get to join us, listen to the recordings. We record them, put them up on the Facebook page, and then we try and make it even easier where we condense and chop up key messages to make it really consumable and put it out to you in short clips. So please be following us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter. All of it's @SciAwakeman or Reality Based leadership, RB Leaders. It's all out there. We're just trying to build a reservoir— reservoir isn't the right word— a library, I guess, for all of you to use with your teams. And I'm trying to take it from many different angles, so if one doesn't resonate or apply, maybe another would. So in the past, I've been talking a lot about when you're hit with anxiety or you're starting to feel fearful, and a lot of times it's just generalized anxiety. You're hit with it, you don't really know know where it's coming from. And a technique I talk a lot about is notice how far out you are. If you're way into the future, or if you're worrying about every human being or every dog on the planet, or you're worrying about, you know, money for the next 20 years or your eventual retirement— if you're feeling anxious, know how far out you've gotten and do what I call come close in. And come as close in as you need to to reassure yourself that in the now, I have everything what I need. For the next 10 minutes, I know what I need to do. I have the support I need currently. We have the food we need. Or right now, I know who to call for help. That's a way to soothe yourself. Now, another technique, which is the exact opposite of it, is a technique to use if you find yourself just waning in hope or hopefulness. If you start to feel down, or you're, you're low on gratitude, or you just start to wonder, like, are we gonna make it? Am I gonna make it? Like, can we ever recover? If you start to feel your hopefulness, your faith in humanity and the world wane, a technique rather than getting close in is to get distance from whatever it is that's on your mind and put it in perspective. And so backing back out, that what I'm experiencing today, in 10 years, will it be as critical as I'm making it today? Or given what other people are experiencing— not that we're gonna compare our suffering, but just adding perspective— given what other people are experiencing, can I see where I do have some places where I am more equipped or more fortunate? Distance gives us good perspective. So sometimes if you're having difficulties in a relationship, We ask you to take a break from one another because a break from each other and having some distance, or agreeing not to talk about something for, you know, a week or whatever it is, gets you time to gain a different perspective. One of my favorite poets, David Whyte, talks about a good walk around the lake brings out the truth in almost every situation. And learning how to— when we're really locked and loaded and we're really attached and things seem you know, mission-critical, and this is the one thing that's gonna ruin everything, and this is the, the most important moment. Finding a way to distance from that is important. And some other ways to gain perspective and distance include your own reflection in life. Think back on a point in your past where you felt like this is the worst thing that could ever happen, or this is the, you know, this is what ruins my career, or this— look back and look at those moments where you really had some lows, you had some bottoms, and do 2 things. Notice that you got through those just fine and reap the lessons from that. Did you get through by reaching out for help, or did you wait too long? It would have been easier if you would have reached out for help. But look at those rock bottoms, and what you might be surprised to find is what you thought was the worst thing ever happening in your life actually was a turning point, and now years later you could say it was one of the best things that ever happened in your life. I remember, so I was at somebody else's workshop. They were doing just a spectacular job, and they were getting us the ingredients to write a life's purpose or mission statement. And in doing that, they're asking us all kinds of self-reflective questions. And one of the questions was, you know, that exact question. Look back at the time in your life that you saw was really— you thought was really, you know, negative and something that was just gonna ruin everything you had hoped for. You really thought it was taking something big from you and you were losing a lot. And they had us write those down, and then they had us come back to those key moments in our lives and say, can you see where these might have been the most wonderful turning point? Are there any of these you can reframe? And not all of them are reframed. Frameable, right? Not all of them are, but some of them really are. So if you can look back and go, you know what, when I was in that moment, I saw it in a very narrow perspective as completely negative, and as I look back, I can see where it was pretty positive. Now, I'm not asking if you have lost patients or loved ones, or if you yourself have been sick, or if you've lost work— I'm not asking you to put a positive spin on this. I'm not asking you to be grateful for the pandemic. I am asking you to move through the world with gratitude in every moment. So while I can't be grateful bad things are happening to people— maybe I can't find my gratitude right now and put things in perspective that for what is happening— but I can be grateful in every moment as it's happening. And I hope you take that in and really kind of play with that. And another great way to get perspective, folks, is if you're reading more during this pandemic, look for biographies of— I mean, real good, like, biographies of people that were in challenging times and worked their way through it. I find just some incredible perspective as I read some autobiographies. And probably one of the most famous— I'm not sure if it's an autobiography, but it's definitely a book he wrote about his own experiences— Viktor Frankl's book you know, book on meaning in your life. And so it's like really finding ways to put things in perspective helps with our mental flexibility, helps us not define and label something as good or bad or the end or the beginning, and really helps us just find some perspective. If nothing else, some room, some place where hope can creep in, where gratitude can creep in, and we can say, you know what, I can at least believe, given my past experience, that things can be okay. And my mom used to say to me all the time when I was, you know, thinking that not making All-State in high school was the end of my life, she's, you know, used to say things like, it's all okay in the end, or it's not the end. It will all be good in the end, or it's not the end. And I just really love that mindset. So I wanted to share that with you before I took a few questions. The first question I have, of course, gets near and dear to my heart. It's from a nurse manager named Maria in Bend, Oregon, and she says that she works on the inpatient unit at a hospital. And I'm hoping this is still relevant. I know Oregon— by the time we got through all these questions, I know Oregon is through some of their challenges, but definitely not all. But she's a nurse manager that works in an inpatient unit. She's a first-year manager, and she says, as you can imagine, there's so much emotion for our frontline caregivers right now. There's fear and anxiety and stress in each moment of our days as we plan for the future, yet try to be intentional in our care today. How can I, as a leader of caregivers who can't socially distance and yet provide some of the most important care, provide good communication and While helping my people focus on what our goals are and how to achieve them. Hopefully you're putting yourself in this person's place. We've got amazing care to do and we gotta stay focused. We gotta keep prepping for how we do better tomorrow. And as she goes on to say, We come to work with our families and loved ones heavy on our minds while we worry about protecting ourselves and those in our care. How can I be a brave leader in the face of a threat that is heavy on all of our minds? while helping each person who reports to me be confident and feel safe. I feel I'm failing in these areas and would love some guidance. Now is the time to stand beside those I lead and let them know I care, but also provide strong guidance in giving the best care to our most vulnerable population. Thank you. And then she goes on to say that they use a lot of our stuff in their organization. Okay, when your circumstances are dire, kind of pure overwhelm, what is a good technique to do? And we actually learn this whether we're therapists or nurses or physicians. We learn it— we may not call it this, but we learn to compartmentalize. And what I mean by compartmentalize is you really have to be willing to put anything other than what you need to focus on in this moment in this moment. You need to ignore things in rotation. Now, this sounds perhaps not authentic, or, you know, not experiencing the whole experience, but when you're called to take a position where we need to be safe, we need to deliver good care, and we need to be at top of our game while we're still human and we have our families that maybe we feel like we're not getting our needs met Matt, and it, it is so unpredictable in our work. The main thing that I would say is you need to help people compartmentalize. And before you can do that, you need to ask yourself questions. While you can't have everything lined up and everything organized and everybody feels safe, and what you gave yourself to do as a leader, Maria, is way too big, and you feel like you're failing because your expectations are big. Get to reality. Do you love your people? Yes. Do you care about them? Yes. So you might not be protecting them or showing them or making every moment meaningful or leading them or giving them great, perfect communication in times like this. Although you're striving to do that, know that with a situation this big, if you're measuring Did I do it as I hoped? You will always come up failing, so drop it. Just get back to the basics. I know I care about these people. I'm mindful of communicating. I want to keep people safe. How do I be brave? Guess what? You already are. Brave is a choice that you move forward when you're feeling most vulnerable, when you're feeling most scared. And bravery isn't something that's in you. It is just a virtue you cultivate by breathing again and knowing you haven't done it perfectly and staying in and rising up and doing the best you can. So you are already brave. I would recommend— how do you do this? So we need people that are compartmentalizing their work. Now here's what I mean by that. For right now, we have 3 patients that need our attention. Compartmentalizing is I take my family and I put it on a shelf, and I take my kids and I put them on a shelf, and I take my parents and I put them on the shelf. I— because I can't be there right now anyway, my worry doesn't do any good, and it zaps my energy away from what I can impact. So anything that is in front of you is your focus and your attention, and you need to stay a bit in anticipation and planning ahead of the work you're doing Right now. Anything that is not in front of you to be impacted will take away from you unless you can do this compartmentalizing and wrap it up with all the love in your heart and put it on the shelf. And so as a leader, you gotta get— I talked about before, close in. You gotta say, here's what we know for now, here's what we don't know, here's what we need, here's what we need to commit ourselves to, here's our main focus right now. Do these 3 things. And not micromanage, Managing energy away from, oh my gosh, I have family and parents and groceries, away from all of that to we can impact and really do wonderful things in this sphere. So we're managing energy to here's what we know, is what we don't know, here's what we need to focus on. And being fully present in the moment, giving all of it to the moment without trying to go out and jump out and visit all these things that are just hitting your mind, and there are things you can't do anything about right now. What this means is that when you go from what's in front of you to your next work, is that you're gonna need to make a good transition. And here's what transitions need to be: you need to debrief in whatever form, as far as like, oh my gosh, you know, whatever, that was sad, that was hard, that was scary. Mm-hmm. whatever. It could just be, you know, fist bumps. It could just be, you know, sign language. It could just be direct eye contact in the debrief. And then be willing to transition, center yourself again to now focus on this part of the world. The people that we studied that were resilient talked to us about when the going got tough, they were able to focus on what they could change and not forget about, but intentionally put on the shelf as if wrapped up in a bow of love, what they couldn't. And some of them said, we gave it to God. Or some of them said, I just had to trust the people I left at home that they're, you know, this is their time to shine. I just had to really learn what to let go of. Otherwise, it's lose-lose. You can't give anything your proper attention and make impact. So it's compartmentalize, do your work, debrief, intentionally transition, compartmentalize, go back in. And so I want people to start thinking about what am I picking up and what am I putting on the shelf so my view isn't crowded, so I'm not juggling so many things I'm gonna drop something. And it's really important that then in those debriefing or that transition, that even if it's just for a minute, Whatever is allowable in your environment to, for a minute, walk around the block, or for a minute just, you know, touch somebody's shoulders if it's appropriate, or, you know, get in their, their face nicely and make eye contact, or, you know, heart symbols, whatever, however PPE'd you're up— PPE'd up you are, make sure that We can't debrief for hours, but we can debrief with tender hearts, even if it's energetically, where we just, you know, 1, 2, 3, everybody breathe 3 times, release what just happened for now. I really believe that people like myself are going to be needed to be out loving up all the frontline people and caregivers that have been through so much in their areas, but Talk to people about putting things on the shelf and doing it with love, wrapping them in a bubble, whatever mentally you need to do, and put everything away that you can't impact right now visually and focus on what you can impact. Mind the transitions, do the debrief, get people breathing again, focus on the next thing, go back in. And then here's what's really important is, as a leader, a lot of times you're trying to make those moments meaningful. Mm-hmm. You can't do a ton of communication in the moment, but call timeouts. Timeout. Here's what I need everybody to know. I'm telling you, make it tribal. Pass it on to everybody you see. So in the next, you know, 10 interactions, make sure everybody you see knows this new piece of information. Really get creative, get repetitive, get simple about what you need to communicate. But make sure that you're calling timeouts, you're regrouping people. Don't underestimate what 1 minute of, hey, everybody heads up, let's, let's regroup, let's make sure we know who's not here, who's gonna take responsibility to let them know. As a leader, you'll feel like you have to touch everybody and let everybody know. You can't do that right now effectively. You need to do your best, but you need to get very directive. So it would be like, Lynn, so you're clear on how to do this? You know what the new protocol is? Yes. So make sure I'm assigning you that your care team, everybody you see in that room today, can you commit to me that you are able to be responsible for passing this on? Get very specific, whether it's whiteboards or, you know, communication centers. You have all these tools, nurses. Just start really using them and really be willing to take time out. And in that debriefing, be okay with feeling things deeply, letting it happen, and, you know, taking those minutes and then regrouping, refocusing, and get deeply focused. And so what you're doing is you're going along, it's like a carousel. You're like, I'm gonna move over here, pick that one, I'm gonna go deep with it, I'm gonna bring it back up, put it back, I'm gonna switch over, go deep with the feeling part, I'm gonna come back up, I'm ready, I'm gonna grab that one, I'm gonna go back down. And it is so unnatural for many people in caregiving to ignore things in rotation, but it's necessary right now. So I guess that's what I would give to you is my best advice on that, or counsel. And celebrate successes. So as people are leaving, the worst thing you can do is let people feel that they didn't debrief, they didn't get any moment of connection, that they are leaving with a lot of unresolved feelings. Because that's where the really alone hopelessness hits you on your commute home, and you're entering in, you have responsibilities, they can't understand what you've gone through. It just— throughout the next 6 hours, you just could get more and more alone. You spiral down. This debriefing is so important in celebrating. So the next question, Anita from Grand Island says that she right now, over the last 4 weeks, while people have been pretty challenged, she said that her director is demanding and micromanaging and that she's gone, or he's gone, even deeper to the point of telling me exactly what I will do each day. I'm at the management level. I've been that for some time. I know how to do my job. Yesterday was the worst. She told the employee in another department that we could not do an easy task to help them out. We're all trying to help out right now because we're too busy, but we have time. Another person from the department came down with the project. I accepted it not knowing they'd had this discussion. We look like idiots. Plus, this This is especially a time we should be helping each other. A couple of issues: she's communicating for my department, not keeping me in the loop, not even letting me make a small decision. I basically sat in my car for an hour not wanting to go into work, which I always want to go into work. I'm paraphrasing here. The person's polite, they don't raise their voice, they— but they aren't letting us make decisions and They're being you know over-directive and micromanaging. So you guys will be tired of this, but here's where you need to start first with this: take your story out of it. Just the fact that they're micromanaging and demanding, and I feel like an idiot. We look like idiots. We should be helping each other. And this story has grown to the point where you're sitting in the car not wanting to go to work. If I were just to help you. Loosen the ego's grip on this story, we could potentially find a place where you could just go, oh, this person's stress behavior— they, they tend towards someone who likes or tends to be directive. I don't even know if they like to. My experience of them is they're more directive. Their stress behavior is that they Start to what I would call overfunction, and when people are in fear, they overfunction. And so this person, your boss, that you don't even want to face, and you're feeling like they're making you feel like an idiot—that's not none of that's happening. They're scared, and they're overfunctioning, and somewhere in here, it's protective behavior. They're trying to protect you, which is hard to see the kindness in that. They're trying to protect. You know, them and others. And so one of the things I want you to try on, all of you who are judging people, whether they aren't socially distancing or whether they're hypocrites or whether they're, you know, whatever they are, now that you're all living in close quarters— What if we just got generous with our title and quit labeling things like micromanager and just said over-functioning or operating outside of what I would consider their lane? What if you just worked on neutralizing your language and having a generous heart and a generous view and a generous mind? What if we overemphasize benefit of the doubt, not to let other people off the hook What if we applied some grace and mercy so that we didn't harm ourselves? Like the fact that we're sitting in a car for an hour not even liking our job, and normally I love it. What if we went there? This is just her stress behavior. And you asked me for a resource, like, is there a podcast or is there an article I can read? And I would tell you that some of the best work on helping people understand over-functioning or under-functioning Because what happens a lot of times is when someone overfunctions, the person that they're with starts to underfunction. And the more they say, well, forget it then, do it yourself, the more the person panics and the more they take over. And it just— the wounds, the hurt parts of us just fit perfectly together. Brené Brown has started a new podcast. Of course it's amazing because it's Brené, and I'm such a a fangirl, all social workers who come up with the ability to translate this to work and situations. She has a podcast that just came out on over-functioning, and I would suggest you all race over, subscribe to Brené's podcast. I've been loving it on the beach. And this is all just about over-functioning and Really, your stress behavior might be seeing insult where there isn't any. If you go back and read your question, there's so much personalizing. I want to do a good job, you know, and, and I'm not able to because of what's going on. If you start from a place of generosity, mercy, grace, you might not be able to change her behavior. Mm-hmm. But one of the things we can do in a non-judgmental way is just name what's going on, which is fear, and thank people for what they're attempting to do, even if it's mal-intentioned right now. A great way to stop the fear cycle is just to say, you know, if her name's Joan, just to say, Joan, can we have a second? I am myself fearful and want to do a good job. I know you're concerned, and it seems like we're all giving into some fear here, and we might all be kind of over-functioning. I know I'm tempted to take it, and I know that might be your temptation too, and it's not working right now. Can we just acknowledge that we're all fear-based right now, and can we just take a breath? And is there a way we could be helpful while still protecting our boundaries. If you can step up in that moment, it doesn't matter what you have control over to manage or what your position is, or if she truly pulls a power play and that's— never lets you do that again. You're upset about a space you might not be able to have your whole domain about, but there's a whole nother space that's called leadership that you could step into, which is even if it's our boss, anytime we can name that we're scared right now, and when we're scared we probably don't move forward intentionally, consciously toggled up. Anytime we can name it— I'm not saying, look, Joan, you're over-functioning. I am saying anytime we can just name it, that we're all in some fear-based and potentially overreacting. I know I'm— let me name it— I'm in fear, I'm overreacting, I'm highly sensitive. Mm-hmm. when people come and need our help, but I think we can do it, and you have a different opinion. So I want to stop the overreacting, and I'll start— what could I do to be more helpful in this moment? And then what could we do together to make sure that we are giving what we can without jeopardizing the goal? This is another place for— And I would say to my boss, what's your goal right now? Well, I don't want to overcommit us. Okay, my goal is to help out as much as possible. So it seems like we might think they're competing. What if you and I just took 10 minutes in the hallway and figured out how we can help as much as possible and make sure that we're not overcommitting? What— tell me more about what some of your fears are. Tell me more about what that would look like. Tell me more about what you see the danger of that being. And just find a way that you're more alike than different. She overfunctions and speaks on your behalf and protects you, and your mind overfunctions creating stories about her and trying to get back the work you think is yours. And so you're both overfunctioning in a way that is creating a lot of conflict, where I want you not to overfunction but to function is just naming the fear and seeing if you can't just pause, acknowledge the feelings going on, and then invite people by your own example to stop, fill out that space, pause, choose to move forward differently. Just play with that, Anita. I love it. I love your heart here. You want to work, you want to help, you want to do more than your fair share. But your ego, to stay alive— whenever you feel yourself getting righteous and your anger is righteous, it's ego. Just feel the feeling. Whenever you're sitting in your car for an hour not wanting to go to work, it's ego. And one of the things our ego does, because we're— it's corrupted, it takes a happening and personalizes it— is egos see insult where there isn't any. It adds the meaning. She said No, and didn't ask me, and that means that she thinks I'm incapable and she treats me like a child and she, you know, is a control freak. It doesn't mean anything. It means that on the fly she erred on the side of saying that's not something we can get to right now. It's just over-functioning behavior. You guys, if you are seeing people's behavior as insult Just know it's your ego and choose a different path for yourself. It's not even about the other person. Choose to give people benefit of the doubt. Co-create something very different together. If you're in a tug-of-war, put down your end of the rope. Come to people with open minds, open heart. You all have the same goal. We all have the same goal. Let's get us through this, tending to the people we can, even if, heaven forbid, it's as they You know, pass from the virus. Like, let's do all the good we can with all the the effort that we have. So, I love your heart, Anita. Don't see insult where there isn't any. One more, Corey from Carbondale says, "I've been a volunteer," or "I have a volunteer who over twenty years ago was the leader, a leader in this organization." I've totally screwed this up. Let me start over. Corey from Carbondale, Illinois writes, Sai, I have a volunteer who over 20 years ago was a leader in this organization. I'm now the leader. He called me the other day verbally attacking me on my leadership through this time, my presence, my experience, demanding to know what I was doing. What are your best tips for defusing anger besides just hanging up the phone? Thank you. Now, in these moments, I just want to make a caveat. If you are getting verbally abused— because, I mean, not because— in these times, some of us, our homes or our workplaces weren't that safe to begin with, and now we're in much closer quarters with higher stress. If, if that's happening to you, like the instance of domestic violence, the calls in the hotline, like it's escalating. So I don't want you to take any of my advice and apply it to spiritually bypass or to somehow justify or numb out of something that you don't deserve and is putting you in danger. I want you to, as you can, like reach out for help. So in this situation, I don't want some of you that are are over-functioners to go, oh well, I'll just see it generously. This situation, I'm gonna invite you, Corey, to do something a little bit different, and it's counterintuitive. One of my favorite quotes— I thought it came from Mother Teresa, but I can't find that it did. It might have come from A Course in Miracles. I don't know who to attribute it to. Basically said that there's 2 types of acts or deeds. There's 2 things behind the way I'm behaving. They're either acts of love, which those feel loving, right, when somebody is acting out of love, or there's cries for love. So when somebody's misbehaving, what's underneath that? Like love, a cry for love. The only appropriate response is a loving one. The only thing that is going to raise the frequency of the situation is that somebody with a calmer mind toggled up can respond with love. And if nothing else, just allow us to end with the possibility of neutral, right? Can just offset some of this, can apply love to it. And so actually— and you might not do this perfectly, I don't think I would if I was taken off guard— but when people are sharing with you and you're moving into resisting, you're like, I can't believe you're calling me up, you haven't been a leader for 20 years. You're, you're, you know, talking about my executive presence. We've been here 18 hours. I got called in. Yes, I'm in sweat clothes. Whatever it is, start with just thank you. It's something weird to try. People come in and they go, sigh, you know, that outfit is not your best outfit. I go, oh my gosh, thank you for for your care and concern. I love that you're willing to be honest with me and that you want me to look my best. Yeah, I went home for the holidays one time and I had a relative and they're basically like telling me, they're like, so it doesn't look like you've been dieting this year, it looks like you put on weight. And I was able to defuse it by just saying, you know, I love that you're concerned about my health, I really appreciate all these health tips you give me. And they're like, well, you don't even apply them. I'm like, you know, I've noticed that about myself too lately, that I'm not always applying the things I know. What other tips do you have? Like, you seem to really be able to apply that. What are some of your best tips? And I was able to transmute, transform the energy. That's what alchemists do, is they take the energy of the moment and they can use that energy to transmute it into something better for all of us. And what a gift. And so I thought, you know, you could say, you know, gosh, thank you for calling in, thank you for your concerns. You've pointed out some areas that I'm certainly glad to keep in mind. A lot of times, if you can do that without any cynicism, you can actually just receive the feedback. That's the end of the feedback. I appreciate that. I'm absolutely willing to consider it. I know there's some things that I'm not paying as much attention to, and that certainly could be helpful. And I appreciate that. You can set boundaries. I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes or so. I am doing another meeting, and so I appreciate this. If there's something else you think of, you know, send me an email. That would be great. Don't get ego hooked into this. Just transmute it into, of course they're giving you feedback that has some kernel of truth in it. You— any one of us can have better executive presence. Any one of us can, you know, lead better through these times. Don't get ego hooked on it, and just know and be comfortable with, I could do better on a lot of things, and right now this is what I'm choosing. And given those choices for myself, I'm choosing to put focus here and not focus there. Welcome to leadership. And you might say something like the last one, like, and you sound concerned or scared. Besides my growth or my things, some things I could do differently, what are you most concerned with as far as, you know, what we're doing for our clients or our patients or the community? And then be able to agree with them, to say, you know, me too, I share that concern. When people are coming at you as the enemy, if you can co-opt them and agree and thank them for their feedback, and then try and find something that you both are concerned about, a place that you come together without being dishonest or without giving up your authenticity— it's just some techniques to try and just see if you can't See through the behavior. One of the things that in stressful times could really help us help each other is don't confuse the behavior with the need. Every behavior has a need underneath it or behind it, and during stressful times we think we're helping, but most of the time we're actually hurting. We try and control, or we try and take over. Our goal is to help. That's our need. We want to help. But perhaps the experience you have from us is it's hurting. When your ego is running the show, confrontation is like punching the ego in the face. You need a good bypass. The best way in times like this to help people bypass when they're scared— it's like the emotional brain is— it kind of sits on top of the thinking brain. And it's just like if you have test phobia, if the emotional brain isn't connected, isn't like on top of or connected into the deeper part of the brain, you can't get in there to learn or problem-solve. The way I explained it to kids is like, if you're emotional, that emotional brain's like out here wigging out, and you've got to reconnect those before you can connect into the mind or heart of somebody. And so in these times, see through the behavior to the need. See what maybe the driving force is and see if you can't provide a gentle, safe place for a moment. You know, you sound concerned, and I know I'm concerned, and it's really weighing heavy on me. I want to do a good job. So you've given me some things to think about from my growth perspective. What are you concerned about when it comes to the delivery or the outcomes or kind of the end result? What's your biggest concern? I appreciate that. Thank you for sharing that. And I'll A lot of times people just need to be heard, and they need to know that you're open to considering what they're saying. This doesn't commit you to change anything or take the feedback and do anything with it. If people are presenting something, it's a gift. You just need to say thank you and mean it, and you can unpack that later and continue to go on. And you don't have to do this abandoning yourself. You can just do this knowing That's— there's truth in every single thing that comes your way. And I really mean that. Some of you have heard me talk about feedback before, but I just want to remind you that anything anyone says to you, if you're beyond ego, you can find truth in it. There's just nothing anybody can give you for feedback that's not truthful in some way. And the sooner you are willing to walk in and just step into the truth of that, the less you will suffer. So like, somebody can come up to me and go, Sai, you're a liar. And it's like, I don't think I'm a liar, but if I look, there's so many ways I lie. Like, are you— how you doing, Sai? Great. Let me reframe that. Actually kind of scared. Like, I lie every day when I go into a federal building because they look at your driver's license and I say on my driver's license I weigh 165 pounds, and it's a felony, I think, to lie to a federal security officer. And if somebody said to me, you're a liar, I can take that as a super insult. I can be reactive. I can go, well, you haven't left for 20 years. Or I can just go, you know, I can find that. I can totally find that. Yes, there are— I can come up with 2 examples for how that's true. If you are seeking ways to find how it's true and seeking ways to connect and seeking ways to transmute what comes to you as an offense into just an acknowledgement of your own humanness and a connection back to whoever's coming to you and that ability to give them what they need, let that be our gift right now. Like, let's not self-righteously take the high road because we're better people. Let's find opportunity when you don't have the reserve I can come back with something that's the better of us, so that when I don't have the reserve, hopefully you can come back where something is for the better of us. And it is a way to find shifts in perspective, and that's where the miracles are, folks. Um, the Course in Miracles talks about a miracle is simply a shift in perspective, finding some space where you can move through the world differently. And each one of these questions Whether you're caregiving on the floor, on an intensive care unit, find space for people to know they're loved, debrief, transition, focus in. If you are feeling like you're micromanaged by your leader, find space and put mercy and generosity in there and just see that perhaps they're just in stress-based behavior. Somebody is pulling me— I'm senior to you and I'm pulling you up and telling you how to do your job. I find space to be able to return to them gratitude and acknowledgement that they're concerned and that they love the organization, that they're volunteering them there right now. Right now isn't the best time for major boundary setting and big feedback. And right now, I think, for many of the situations you're giving me, the time is in the moment, let's apply grace, mercy, tolerance. Let's take the insult out. Let's just really respond with loving one, transmuting this energy. And if something is a pattern, or if something is a chronic situation, then we'll strategize on how you can ask for what you need and potentially put some boundaries out there. But in these times right now, and this is for many of you, whether you're out working at essential, and then coming home, or whether you're home. Um, walk with grace and mercy, tolerance, benefit of the doubt. It is really like this lubricant we can give the human race right now, because it's so tempting for me to feel better by offloading my fear onto you in the form of anger. And most of the time, anger is a cover for fear. And most of the time, fear is what we experience when we forget who we are and who we are to one another and what we're capable of as a human race. So I wish you well. Have a wonderful week. Be safe. Be well. Ask for help when you need it. If you are asked for help, even if it's really messy and it's just crazy feedback, Give help anyway, and I hope in the next couple of weeks we won't have to answer so many pandemic questions. But I'm here for as long as it takes. Just really loving you guys up, and take good care of the humans around you. So be well. This is the No Ego Podcast. Where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.