Holding Space For Others and Making Amends

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Cy Wakeman. I am welcoming you to just our time together, and it is definitely time to connect with folks today. I want to spend time and talk about a couple of things. I want to talk about, um, holding space and what you might be avoiding or excluding and how you might be narrowing your perspective. I want to talk about repair attempts and, and mulligans. And by now, all of you have offended somebody or not been your best self around somebody. My hunch is all of you have seen By now in these stressful times, and so we want to talk about that as well. And I want to have this time to be to help you with whatever situations that you might have. And so let me know. Let me know. Oh my gosh, Christina Ann! It's so good to see you. I read your Facebook stuff all the time. So. I have socialized with Zoom more than I ever have socialized in normal times, finding ways to be supportive from home. I love that. I love that. I have been more social, I think, than I have in the longest time. I'm kind of loving the Zoom, and we figured out how to do Facebook Live with multiple kids, and so I've been getting to see my sons on the weekends and and all of that is really good. You know what's on my heart and mind, I must say, and I just got a text from somebody, I'll make sure, perfect. What's on my heart and mind, I have to admit, my heart is breaking for New York. It's just, it's a city I absolutely love. And while I stay close in and focus on my current world, there's also room in there for me to not only be hopeful and helpful, but to just have sadness about the— just the trauma and the many deaths in New York. And I'm not keeping up with the exact numbers, but I mean, it's, it's thousands. And I just have lots of people I love in New York. And the city right now, I think, is the city that is resilient and will survive, but man, they are hurting. And I just ask you what is in your space right now, and then I want to talk about what you're holding space for. Because as I talk about like getting close in and focusing on the now and the current as a way to ease your anxiety, that's a wonderful thing to do to bypass your ego. Mm-hmm. But sometimes your ego will bring you into some either-or situations. Your ego will bring you into some black-and-white situations, either-or, and we start to get exclusive or attached to our own way of moving through these times. And then it really starts to expose our, our perspective as narrow, and a lot of times it exposes our privilege. Mm-hmm. That, you know, we are maybe working from home on Zoom while other folks are having to ride subways and be on the front line because they're not only essential, but folks— a lot of our essential folks are our least paid folks and our folks that have least reserves. And so we are asking the most of some folks with the least right now. And I am finding that there's a lot of people that are really narrowing down. There's like all of a sudden these things breaking out, like on my Instagram feed. Maybe it's just my feed. Some people are like, get out there and hustle and, you know, totally remake yourself and let this be a time where you like lose 30 pounds. And if you don't do that, then saying you didn't have time is only an excuse. And then there's this other battle going like I showered today and it's a victory, and don't like pandemic shame me. And we start to get these— the, the ego that came together to experience this starting to divide out into like right ways to go through the pandemic, and, you know, um, a little bit of judging and shaming others. And, um, and I just want you to again notice Whenever your space gets really small, like, I'm supposed to be positive, that means I can't, you know, be sad. I want you to start thinking about the ability to hold space and make your space bigger so that it actually can include a lot. Not doing a lot, not worrying about a lot, not behavior of anxiety, but that you're willing to be with A lot. And it's easy to be with a lot because you don't have to fix, you don't have to know, you don't have to judge. But what I'm holding space for myself is this concept that many things can be true at once, and to acknowledge what I feel but make sure that, um, I'm not thinking my feelings, that I'm not generating feelings that aren't there, that are just coming out of a story, but that I can acknowledge all hope and grief at the same time. I am so hopeful about the future and how we'll be impacted by this. I'm sad about how some of us are being traumatized by this. So I want you to get really friendly with the word and. And whenever you're saying, well, I don't think that's how they should be, I want you to just go, and that's another way to be. Make room for that and like just bring it in. I want you to really focus on Continually making your perspective bigger, making it more inclusive. It's not about what you attach to, identify with, agree. That's all ego stuff. See, the ego wants certainty even if it gives up accuracy. Like, the ego would rather have certainty over accuracy. And a lot of us, the way we're getting certain is we're finding our way through today and then making our world small. And all that's gonna end up is having you feel separated again, which is the delusion, which is what causes all of our pain. So I want you to just practice holding space for— one of the things we tend to do is spiritually bypass. And spiritual bypassing is when we try and use reality-based leadership or spiritual principles or intellect to move past feelings. Feelings don't need to stay forever. That's suffering. But feelings just need to be acknowledged and breathed into, and feelings are good information. They show you where you need to put some love and attention to. What you're making room for, and I want you, as you're around people, I want you to resist the urge to jump to action or knowing or telling or directing or ordering or trying to control or all those things that you do. I want you to just see if you can't be with more space, space for them to just be where they're at. If they're, you know, maybe you're with a child who is having a lot of strong emotion, like, can you just be with that and just say, you know, I'm just gonna stay with you right here, this is tough stuff? Can you be with someone so that through that being you get permission then to see if you can't impact them and call them up, or, or invite them to walk through life another way. And so what can you make more room for? And a lot of you are making some room in your physical space. Now that you're there, you're like, do I really need that? And how can I, you know, make this more visually pleasing? How can I declutter? Some of you are making more room for things in your own perspective, your mind. And I hope these times that you're at least finding a bit of solitude or quietude. And I know there's a lot going on for many of you, but don't keep the same patterns of busyness and external focus that keeps you avoiding. So ask yourself, like, what am I avoiding? What am I maybe numbing out from? Because what you're avoiding is the very thing that you need to make some more space for with compassion and make room for it. And so like, what have you locked out? What have you locked yourself out of? And how have you limited your possibilities? And be very careful what you know for sure at these times. And I just want you to continue to just really question. Mary has a question: how would you coach or encourage those people who are struggling with many difficult emotions during this time? I am gonna add that up and we're gonna get to that in just a second. Second, and we're gonna just kind of finish this concept for allowing room for. So for me, as I have gotten quiet and done lots of meditation and reflection— I'm writing, so that stems out of like lots of reflection because I have to really give words to some experience so that I can perhaps illustrate something you can resonate with and provide at least some language to my path forward. And what I looked at that I'm either avoiding or that I've been in, in the process of setting boundaries to, that— or maybe just what I'm ready for, that I want to bring more into my space— is some areas in my life where I I want some peaceful resolution and some reconciliation. And while I'm very okay and compassionate to what I did to do some self-care, now I feel like I'm in a really clear place where I can just intentionally make some more space for what could that possibility look like of, you know, bringing some closure to some things or extending a hand that Perhaps, you know, I'm heavy on somebody's heart, or they're heavy on my heart. And so that's just my focus. I'm just sharing openly with you, and we'll talk a bit about repair attempts. But I want to acknowledge Mary's question: how would you coach or encourage those people who are struggling with many difficult emotions at this time? So one, you want to acknowledge and, and even ask some questions about, is it more anger or is it fear? Or if you could tell me, like, you know, not the story of the feeling, but just name the feeling. And people are like, well, I'm just, you know, the whole world and this and that. It's like, well, that's the situation. I'm really interested, like, what feelings are you going through? Now, you're not a therapist, but one of the things we can help people with is questions for self-reflection. And one of the things when people get into feelings is they want to report to us their judgment of the world or their disappointment or where their expectation wasn't met. And getting them just to name, I feel scared about, or I feel angry about, or I feel frustrated with. And so, you know, you're not a therapist, but getting people to just name the feeling and acknowledge it and just You know, you don't have to sympathize with it. You can empathize with it and go, I, I hear you. I, I, I can, you know, see, um, from that perspective, that is definitely a way, you know, one could feel in that situation. Like, but then here's the difference. If you go into what I call sympathy, it's not only do you acknowledge somebody else's feelings, right? You're 2 separate people. Mm-hmm. It's where you then go into and start to collude with and agree with and reinforce their victim mindset that they are being done to by the world, that they're the victims in this. And that's where I hope that you just see empathy. Empathy is, I, I can connect with what you're feeling, and I just want to acknowledge that. Yeah, I want to be present to that. And sometimes the best way to do that is just For them to see you pause and not say anything, just be with them and just listen completely to the feeling. And if they go off on a vent, come back and just say— I'm more interested, like, what are you feeling? Well, I just told you all these people are idiots. I heard that. I'm just— is there a feeling underneath there? I just really want to be present for that. And be present for it. And then After your presence, empathy involves responsiveness, which is calling people to greatness, which is— could be an instruction by saying, you know, given this in our situation and that that's been a frustrating moment for you, is there one thing you could do in the next 30 minutes that would impact this in some way? And just start exploring, um, out of that. So A lot of people need to go there, and they need some safety and some basics. Our job as friends, leaders, colleagues is not to get them stuck there. But don't fall into the advice trap. Don't fall into the motivational speaker trap. Don't fall into you know here's what I would suggest: acknowledge somebody's feelings and then bring them up to date. And if it doesn't go in the first moment, if it doesn't go in the first. 2 or 3 interactions, the first thing you want to do is just say, you know, I'm willing to check in often with you as you move through this. And then start the nudges. You know, I've been checking in with you and I just see you, um, you share with me you're in a lot of anger and fear. I'm wondering if you can even imagine a way of moving beyond those. Like, what does that look like? And then you can get more directive. as you inch your way in there to say, I'm willing to be present for you, and I get the feelings. I'm worried about you getting stuck in this, and I would love to help you put energy towards how could we move ahead and take energy away from why we can't or who did us wrong. And I'm just wondering if you're willing to go there with me. Now, this isn't where you can save the whole world. This is also where you have to remember that people are gonna get through their stuff with or without you, I promise. Unless somebody is saying they're like so suicidal or they're hopeless. Like, you don't need to be present to win. And by winning, I mean a lot of people, if you stay with them an hour, they'll stay in the same place as 10 minutes. But if you do 10 minutes and come back 24 hours later and you do that 6 times, that same hour over the period of 6 days has allowed people's relationship with their own reality to You know, move them along. So don't stay and block people from their own relationship with their reality. Be there, remind them you care, and then leave them back to that relationship with the reality. The most motivating thing is a relationship with our reality that's unencumbered by somebody rescuing or enabling. And many times for myself, the only way I can move into what's next is I've got to get sick and tired of myself. I gotta get sick and tired of how I'm moving through the world. I gotta get sick and tired of telling that same story to the same people. Like, I just— some of that is you gotta let people get sick and tired of themselves. But you don't have to be present to win. That presence can be enabling. Also ask people, I know you have a lot of feelings right now. Are you worried about yourself? Do— is there something more professional that you need in terms of help? Like, I do queries with folks that are going through this. But there comes a point that you need to say, we're going to make space for you have feelings, and I need you stepping up to these deliverables. So the first stage of a crisis, people need to take care of their safety and basics. The second stage, we need to get them connected to each other. The third stage, we need to just say temporary solutions, make it work, get it done. And I know you have feelings, and we need to get this going. We've got to meet these essential requirements. The 4th stage is let's question everything. Let's really make sure that we aren't just virtualizing our bad processes. Like, let's really radically simplify, and before we add anything back in, let's really look at what are we trying to accomplish with that, and is this the best way to do it? And ultimately, you can get yourself and help people to really cure the experience. So instead of being traumatized by this, they're impacted by it, meaning that it prodded their evolution. So a lot of you have been prodded to evolve in your Zoom practices and online ability. So we don't want to take the learning away from people. We want to make space for their feelings. And it's not about cutting the feeling so that we can ignore something else in rotation. It's not about stop this Start that. That's not going to work for people right now. It's about your space is this big and all you can see is your own little feeling. Can we make that just one degree bigger where you can also make space for being productive 40 minutes in this hour? Like, it is adding the and on, not to do more, but to ponder more, to Just be willing to consider more, to be open to more. It's a way of helping you and other people open up. Right now, in certain times, we're just building— or uncertain times, we're building new illusion of certainty. And people are like suddenly starting to know things again. And it's that knowing that will keep us from knowing what the ultimate evolution is meant for us through this experience. So, thank you. I hope that is somewhat helpful. So, creating space is definitely, Kurt, he asked if it is being able to recognize multiple perspectives. And I think that is so important, Kurt, that it is the ability to understand that, one, Don't get into knowing about another person's situation because that's going to lead you to judging, not helping. And when you judge, it doesn't hurt them; it separates you out from another resource that could be your connection and your help right now. It is just understanding that you know perhaps my ability to not stress eat during this. event is somehow related to my own privilege, or that's just not the wound my soul walks through the world with this time. Like, just being able to be in a world and have a relationship with not only uncertainty but a relationship with the, the other adult skill set you need, which is the ability to know that many things can be true at one time, that what we know is a kernel in the knowing, that Just by knowing, you've probably closed yourself off from a lot of things that would really widen or bigger this perspective. And it's not trying to please everybody. The minute you take this into action and a plan, it is the space to go inside and operate out of. It is, it is not trying to take everybody's perspective and compromise down to something that pleases everything. It is knowing that that we have work to do and that there'll be many different experiences around that work, but it doesn't change about what I've asked you to do, for example. So, um, it's just something I want you to think about. Where are you closing things off? Where are you trying to shorten interactions? Where are you not capitalizing on the moment? Where are you not making space where you could? So let's say that I'm in healthcare and I'm with patients, and you know, there's quite a few things I can't do for them. I can't let their family in. I've got lots of patients to care for. I'm not talking time, I'm talking space. When I am in front of you, did I make space to make direct eye contact, to not just look at you but to hold that gaze, which is very uncomfortable to do as a human being? Try this. The next time somebody's around you, how uncomfortable they get when you look at them. They're like, why are you staring at me? Like, connect and just hold that space. I feel like when I'm holding people accountable to their behavior or calling them up during this time, I wonder, should we be giving people more slack during this time? Are boundaries extended during crisis time? Amy, that's such a great thing to think about. The answer again is making space for both of these. I I need to focus on what's essential and important, and I can lower my standards while still insisting that you're accountable to kind of what's happening. I'm gonna switch over, my earphones just died. Do this. So a lot of us, for our comfort, we start worrying about the wrong things. Like, immediately people were sending out like Zoom etiquette, like everybody get your standards, you know, make sure your dogs are locked up and your kids aren't coming. And those are the wrong things to worry about. You need to lower your standards on some of those pieces and just fill in the blanks with grace, mercy, and tolerance. You need to lower your standards about how the work gets done. You need to Let people co-create and improvise and figure their way through. You need to hold people accountable that if you can't get to it, are you using the members of our team? Are you asking for help? Like, the end deliverable may not be negotiable, but the how is where we give people kind of agency over their way through the So they've got to step up and be accountable, communicate with us, connect in, ask for help, manage what they can. We will greet them with grace, tolerance, mercy, and we will problem-solve with them. So I went through some stages quickly. Let me talk about the stages of when people go through trauma. So the first thing, let's say people just got sent home or people just realized that cardboard that they're delivering packages every day with, um, you know, can carry the virus. Like, day one when all this starts happening, or when it hits you, because for some people it still hasn't hit them. They're out at farmers markets and, you know, all kinds of stuff. So the first concern is safety and basics. People are not focused on work. They are focused on trying to figure their life out, keep their kids safe, not get contaminated from their, you know, takeout delivery. Like, they're searching for information. They're just trying to get safe, okay? And they're getting the basics done. Now, for some people, that takes 4 minutes. A lot of people on my team, like, we work virtually. We are really used to trying to figure out how to rig up, you know, a meeting in a hotel room and making sure that, you know, Our bra laying on our bed isn't in the video. Like, some of us are like, that was fine. Some of us are more privileged. Some of us don't have some of the same things going on. When it comes to basics, if you're a leader, you need— and a colleague and a friend, you need to get really clear that you get basic. Here's what we know. Here's what we don't know. And that list is visible. It's transparent. And things move back and forth. Here's what we know. Oh, we found out that's not true. And so you start adding words like, for today, what we know. Here's what we don't know. Here's what we might never know. Here's what we got to get good with not knowing. What we thought we knew doesn't— it's not what we know today. Like, just visit what we know and what we don't know. And folks, for today, we're going to work with what we know given this situation. And what we don't know, we're going to make friends with that uncertainty. And we're going to stay, you know, close in and we're going to do what we can. So maybe what I know today is the electricians that are still working on jobs in Nebraska aren't Zoom players. They are— they have the flip phone they've had since high school. Not the time to fix that. If that's what I know, that I'm going to schedule 5-minute calls with each of those folks and talk to them about what are you most scared of. And they're like, well, I'm socially distant. But other people come up and, you know, pat me on the back. Okay, so here's one thing we could work on. We got like 5 minutes. How could you be kind and assertive and let people know your preferences to keep socially distanced? Can you think of one thing you could just walk with and say over and over today? It's like those things, right? And then the third thing is, what do you need? What don't you have? What is a basic you don't have that you need? Like, how can I help? And we got to not make assumptions here. And basically the message you're sending to people is, we got this. We may only have this for 5 minutes, but we got this. Even the highest accountable people, when I went out and I just assumed all my team knew that I was committed to them, I would do whatever it took to make sure that their jobs were secure, that that was my highest priority, that no one even have to worry about that. When I did talk to people about that, I mean, people were like emotional. They're like, oh my gosh, thank you for telling me that. So you have to be out there with the message, we got this. I don't know the answers, but we got this. We will figure this thing out. Stage 2 then is you got to get people connected to each other. I don't care how you do it, but you got to get people— people will think they're in this alone. So the next thing is you got to get people connected. You got to connect to your team And connection isn't always two-way. It might just be that I'm reaching out on a regular basis and I'm using a variety of avenues and I'm just letting you know I think about you. And you may not be in a place to text me back, but how are we connecting? Stage 3 then is for today, temporary solution. We got to get stuff done, figure it out, make it work. And this is where you don't micromanage how people do it, but you just say, here's the box, here's the guidelines, here's what we have to accomplish, and be reasonable in that. Make sure it's really business stuff. And then just say, you know, in this third stage, how can we make it work? And know that you'll have some people who are in different places that can come into that full steam, and you'll have some people that don't. None of this is right or wrong, but just try and play the hand you're dealt. Stage 4 then is once we get the basics— and getting the basics, getting stuff done— is radical simplification. Get down to truly just The basics. It's like when you detox, um, because you have food allergies, you get down to the super basic food, and then you add things back in intentionally, and you add them in with conscious choice. And that's where you go to the next level of this thing, and you're making sure your people aren't traumatized. But you also want to make sure that we get through this more evolved than when we started. Like, because step 5 is helping people curate conscious their work, their lives, and all of that. So back to Amy's question, I can't control how people respond to my work. I can do everything up to and including speaking my heart to them, but I can't control that. But I can really just have a big of, and here's what I need from you right now. And And I'm, you know, wondering, can you see a path to get yourself there? And so I do think that boundaries are extended, but it's conscious. We don't just lower our standard because, um, um, suddenly, you know, things don't require being done. We have to really go after innovation, so we have to decide what's essential. Let me give you just silly example of this. When I had my first son, George, I was in graduate school working full-time. And we had this baby who I was nursing and he was pretty dependent on me. And he needed a bath. Now, he didn't need a bath 100— you know, or I shouldn't say 100. I won't exaggerate. But he didn't need a daily bath like a new mom thought, right? So after lowering my standards, he just at least needed a bath a couple times A week. So I go off to class and I ask my husband George, I'm like, please give this baby a bath. And I'm feeling very put upon and like he's not helping a lot. And so I'm like, one thing I need from you, I'm just going to ask for what I need. I'll be direct. I'm not going to expect you to read my mind. I want this child bathed when I come home. And I came home early. Class got let out early. And I come in and he didn't hear me come in. I'm standing in the doorway and I'm watching him bathe our child. And he was washing our child like a car. He had on each side of the sink a towel on the counter, and he would lay the baby on the towel, and he just started running the water. And he got it at the right temperature, and then he picked the baby up, and he just ran him through the water, and then turned him over and ran him through the water, and then put him on the towel, and then he soaked him up, and then he like ran him back through the water. And I was just about to jump in and be like, oh, My gosh, that is no way to wash a child. And where is the bathtub we got for the shower gift? And then I looked at my little boy, at George. He's like smiling at his dad. He's like having a blast. The kid's getting clean. I just walked away, had a cup of tea, and knew that the child was clean. That innovation became continuous improvement to the point where once you have 4 kids, here's what you do. You strip all 4 kids down, when one person's in the shower, you just hand kids in and out to whoever's in the shower and they basically— we've refined this technique so a 10-minute shower can get 4 kids clean at the same time. Like, you can make this happen. So don't change your essential deliverables, but leave plenty of room for people to have agency over how things are done. And have some mercy, grace, and tolerance while we're adjusting. As people get adjusted, then start to say, how can we continuously rapid improve this? How can we rapid cycle improve it? How can we really question what's important, what's not important, and how do we like move forward with this? So, and let's take what's working. My hope is we take the casual, organic jump on FaceTime or Facebook Live without notes and interact with the people. I hope we keep This stuff where we don't have to have PowerPoints for everything anymore. So let's get really choosy about what we require from people. So I hope that helps, Amy. I've got someone, she works in healthcare HR, working from home. Wish there was more I could do for all my people, but they're out there working the front lines. They're the selfless heroes, and I want to find ways to stay connected and do what I can to help them and help them through this. I would tell you my biggest temptation in being a bit stranded here in Mexico, my biggest temptation was how can I fly into the eye of the storm? I'm a social worker by background. I will stand out in front of the hospital and educate people on who needs testing and who doesn't. Like, I really wanted to run out and pick up and help And I had to really sit with that and make space for that, that it's like— I love the question you're asking about what can I do to help from here, because that would have put me into helping a few right on the front lines. But I had to really sit back and say, what's the bigger risk for Cy Wakeman here? What can I do to help not only now, but what can I be doing now when the time comes for us to rebuild and Go through reconciliation and restoration of having put all these healthcare workers in this situation. Like, can I do more to prepare now for being the most helpful as we try and build anew? And so it's like, I love that you're making space for it. You might not know the answer. The cool thing about making space for something is just when you make space for it, it seems like the universe conspires with you. I made space for a lot of forgiveness and reconciliation, and I kid you not, it was like 14 minutes later I got a text from someone that just said, will you consider a conversation? I'm like, wow. So you don't have to know, you just have to be willing and open And, um, and go with the flow in a lot of these cases. And so for a lot of us, the number one thing we can do to be helpful is, um, just really stay out of judgment and into, um, loving people up in any way that we can. Okay, I'm gonna, um, talk to Miss Christina here. As a leader of a team, can I be just as transparent with my team with my feelings and show that I'm feeling anxious too? Our caregivers are out there and we are in the— let's see if I can get that back here because I can't see the rest of it. And you're at the office. Okay, so you've got caregivers out in the field and you're at the office. So here's a couple of things as a leader. You need to— when you self-disclose, you need to do it to be transparent and honest, but without putting people in reverse roles where they need to take care of you. You need to, for the most part, get your needs met with colleagues and your own more private circle. That's getting your needs met. What you need to do— it's just fine to be transparent. So I'm trying to role model that for you. In that I'm not sharing with you some details of my life that are really challenging right now, but I am being transparent in saying I'm going through some stuff too, and I'm grieving for people in New York, and doing it in a way. So as a therapist, we call it self-disclosure. So you wouldn't want to go in and tell your therapist about your mom dying, and then her start like, oh my God! You. You think that's bad? Well, when my mom died— like, you don't do it in a way that has any expectations from the other person, but you do it in a way without really motive, but just making sure you're doing it clean, where if somebody says, I'm scared, saying, you know, I'm scared too. I'm— I worry about you guys. Like, I lose a lot of sleep. I'm really concerned. About our clients and you out there in our homes. And, um, and then I just kind of narrate my care, which is a healthcare term. I just speak out loud and I say, and so for me, I'm choosing with that anxiety to take a deep breath and move forward. Notice when it gets high again, use some exercise, move forward. Show your humanness and your vulnerability. without one-upping anybody, without discounting their feelings or diminishing them. And at the end of the day, leaders, you got to go first. You got to show us how. You want your team getting good work done. You're getting exposed here for what you weren't taking care of in your own lives, for what you— the choices you hadn't really made, the conversations you weren't comfortable with. And so, yeah, let this be grown and be out there talking to people. And one of the things I want to talk to you about talking to people about is while we're in unusual times, a lot of times those changes bring stress behaviors out. None of us are going to walk through this as saints. It's like we feel so evolved and then life gets messy and that edge right there, ooh, that is gooey, gooey stuff. No one's going to pass this test. There is not one of us that is going to be like, oh, the pandemic, you know, gosh, I made a plan, executed my plan, and look at me, I got an A on that class. Like, no, this is the messy, messy, messy stuff. stuff. This is where your humanness gets a lot of practice. So at that edge, you can go through it keeping super tight boundaries. That way you'll never have to be exposed as not knowing what you're doing. You can go through it keeping your circle super small, your perspective super narrow. You can go through it without— you know, you can try and limit the mess, and you will be alone. You will be, um, you will not benefit from how this Could evolve you. And so if you really want to go there, you got to get out there and be really messy. And in that messiness, you will screw this thing up, but only daily. You will not pass this test. You will not do it perfectly. And so I don't want to teach you techniques and how to keep the mess under control. Like, there's plenty of articles out there on how to set up a home office so you're more organized. I want to teach you how you can move more skillfully through the mess. And part of that is you are going to hurt people and you are going to screw up and you are going to, you know, share too much with your staff and you are going to demand too much without sensitivity to something else. The only way you're going to know what you need to do next is by what comes up next and what, you know, What it helped and what it hindered. You got to just be walking through the world going, I tried this, did it help or hinder? And if it helped, more helping. If it hindered, less hindering. And so all that to build up to say, I want you guys to get really good at 2 things. Mulligans— those are do-overs. So let's say that, um, your, you know, child, you know, does come in and wants to see Sit on your lap and you're pushing them away because you're trying to keep this image up that you have all your crap together and your boss hasn't lowered their standards yet and they start crying and then you basically are harsh with them and whatever it is, you can just start over. In fact, what if you just said, you know what, you guys, I just, um, I didn't handle that the way I wanted to. I'm gonna go Take a mulligan for a minute? You know, can somebody else take this time? I'll be right back. And you go to your child and say, let's try that again. What do you need from me? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Why don't you come? You can sit on my lap. With, you know, a neighbor where you're like, for heaven's sakes, it's 11 o'clock at night and I don't care how you deal with your anxiety, but I'm trying to sleep. Shut the music off. You can begin again. You can go the next day and say, can I claim some time? I want a do-over in how I come to you asking if you would help me out by turning your music down. Like, that's as simple as it gets. Just acknowledge to people that the way you moved through that laid heavy on your heart, that you— It didn't sit well with you and go back to them and just say, I want to do something different. Okay, that's a mulligan, a do-over. And you can start over any time as long as you're quarantined together. Nobody's going anywhere, so you can start over any time. But it involves bypassing your ego because your ego will be like, well, they deserved it and they should interrupt me then, and they should know better. And that is, let's not get vulnerable. But if you want to live in peace in your home You go first. You go get good at mulligans. You're going to need— sometimes with the same behavior, 100 times mulligans. Now, the second's more elaborate. It's called the repair attempt. You will breed contempt in your home if you don't get good at repair attempts. If you have majorly done something to somebody— and this is a marriage therapy technique, but we all need it— you need to put yourself in timeout, and you need to self-reflect and get out of ego and quit bringing up what's happened over the next 10 or the last 10 years. You need to get in the present moment, get in touch with what you feel, and you need to reflect. And there's 4 parts to a repair attempt. You need to acknowledge what you did and find some remorse for it. Like, I don't care if they deserved it. It wasn't how you want to walk through life, and you harmed another individual, and you left them diminished or whatever it was. Don't shame yourself. Just acknowledge sin is where you just missed the mark. It was used in archery where you didn't hit the bullseye, like what the gap is. Just acknowledge the gap and get it down one sentence clean. Not, um, whenever you do this, I get so mad, and then the only choice I had is I was left to do this, and by the way, I'm sorry for that. Nope. I am sorry I jumped to conclusions, raised my voice, And walked out of this room, and that was not an appropriate way to handle this, and I just want to tell you I'm sorry. Step 1. Step 2 is you have to acknowledge the effect on the other person if you can. Like, don't be like, and so I'm sorry because now I feel like that ruined our evening and I won't be able to enjoy the movie with you, or we won't enjoy the movie. It's not about you. I'm sorry. I think and want to acknowledge that that was hurtful, that that brought up some old stuff for you, that that diminished, um, you, had you second-guessing yourself, that could have had you feel less about yourself, that, you know, that got you questioning my commitment to you. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. And then some insight on how that might have affected the other person. And then, um, so you have to acknowledge that I hurt you, and here's, you know, what I think the effects were. And then show insight on yourself where I need to get vulnerable here. I realized I was just scared, and one of my big cover feelings is righteousness and snarkiness and sarcasm. So Just when we were trying to sort out something important to you, I got scared that you were doubting this and I did this. If you can show self-reflection and insight, you will melt another person's heart. This isn't your childhood story. It's not excuses. It's not like, I'm sorry, my dad always yelled at me and now I get scared. No, this is today. This isn't about what happened to you. This is today. You're the adult. And then the amends. Amends is not, I'm sorry. It's, how can I make this right with you? And sometimes people go, just this made it right. And if you don't know, don't say, so what I'm going to do is this in the future. If you can commit, great. But I ask people, what would make it right by you? What could I do to get us back to, you know, even setting? Now, that's elaborate, but there's just 4 steps. I'm sorry, one sentence. I acknowledge it affected you. I have insight. Here's where I need to get vulnerable. And I want to get back to being right with us. Okay? Now, if you're talking to a 6-year-old kid, it's going to be different than if you're talking to, you know, somebody older. So here's the deal. I want you to work to make your repair attempt as awesome as possible. Do not go on with motive. Don't go, now that I've apologized, I'm waiting for your apology. It was tit for tat. Oh, you're not apologizing? I take mine back. Nope. This is doing it for you. Do as well as you can. Now, other people, when they make repair attempts, and a repair attempt is just trying to get back in relationship with you, you have to accept whatever measly, ridiculous, Yes. Incomplete repair attempt they come to you with. It could be just cracking a joke. It could be just humor. It could be coming up and hugging you when you're mad at them. Like, you have to work hard to give good repair attempts. And if you want a good relationship, you have to respond with a lot, make space for even the worst repair attempts. Now, if somebody's a chronic offender and you're setting a boundary, we're not talking about that. We're talking about a normally well-working relationship that just has been cooped up together for a long period of time. I really want you to focus on making space in your life for your own reflection, for your own apologies to other people, for forgiveness. I listened to a podcast on forgiveness, and it said that most friendships are only deep friendships Because all a friendship is, is serial instances of forgiveness and begin-agains. Otherwise, we would never get to those deep friendships if we both didn't just, over the years, get close, get messy, offend, and forgive. So the best things we have in life were that we grew. We entered into the world We failed. It got messy. We learned. We get vulnerable. We begin again. We reenter relationship. And we come back to that. And with that path— and Brené Brown talks so much about vulnerability— if you're willing to not try and get rid of the messiness, but just live more evolved in the messiness, you will find your way through today and— Tomorrow. This pandemic and everything that is out there. I adore you guys. We got this. We're losing people we love. We are super grieving. And we can step up and let people know that we are not going to waste this. Those people did not die in vain. Every one of us has something that coming out of this we need to live more true lives. We need to be more true to our hearts, more compassionate. We need to move through the world differently today and going forward. Allow yourself to be impacted by this— not traumatized, impacted. Be changed by this for the better. Love you guys. See you later. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama and entitlement and Transform your world place. I'm Sai Wakeman.