Letting Go - Becoming Willing to Experience the Mystery in Life

Hi, Cy Wakeman here, and I'm so excited to announce a brand new offering at Reality-Based Leadership. I am starting an incredible group. We're calling it the Life's Messy, Live Happy group, where we are going to go beyond talking about leadership. We are going to learn universal principles that people use to live happy, lives people use to move skillfully and consciously through the world, and you have the opportunity to participate. The group will meet 12 times a year on a Zoom call with direct access to me. I will be on the call with all of you teaching and preaching the universal principles that I know lead to living happy lives even when the world is super messy. I will give you exclusive content on every Zoom call. We will then answer your questions and have group interactions so that you can learn from one another. Between our calls, you'll be invited to an exclusive group where I share wisdom and exclusive content, but everybody else steps up and shares collective genius. You'll be part of a community of like-minded individuals. And lastly, we will together be addressing some of the most relevant and and timely topics in really great ways. This all starts in October. Don't miss out on your chance. Jump in and get registered. I can't wait to see you in the group. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of the No Ego Podcast. I'm really excited about today. I've got some big announcements, some more clarity in my own life, and, uh, I'm doing some brave things. So hopefully I'm role modeling for you live and, uh, Maybe I'll inspire you to do some brave things as well. I've thought a lot about the mastery culture that we live in. So many of the questions I get, so many of the emails I get are about like which book to read to be great at this and which technique to use or that I need to learn so that I can create or implement this. And would it be my mastery? Culture is so much of our focus, I believe, is on like learning and the goal being to master it so that I somehow can control it or influence it or check it off my list or become fluent in it so that I now will do that well in the world. And I think all of that's a worthy goal, don't get me wrong. But I think at times, for me especially, that the mastery culture— let me figure it out, let me get to I know— the ego can come in and just undermine the mastery culture and really get us out of balance. Because I think mastery needs to be balanced with mystery. And the ability to come sit, stay, be present in in the mystery, in the not knowing. And I think for so many of us, when we're dealing with certainty and unsettling times, our go-to strategy is mastery. And it's the ego's way to say, "I need to know what this is about. I need some facts. I I want some resolution. I want to understand this. I want to be able to." Participate in it or prevent it from the future. And that in a very subtle way, mastery can be co-opted by the ego to at least give us the illusion of some control. And again, I think mastery is phenomenal. I'm in the training business. I do a lot to help you all grow and develop and really master some things, especially some of the basic skills of deep listening and acknowledging and leading others in self-reflection and calling people to greatness. There are some techniques to master. And when all of this started in March, there was for me a willingness to not have to know what it's all about. And it's been really beautiful to watch some of my colleagues and speakers go into like, oh, I know how to pivot my business, and I think I've got it figured out, and I have an answer, and, um, we'll just go out in this way with this virtual, and we'll just start like making offerings. And I think that works for a lot of people. I am certainly not here to critique anybody else's path. And thank goodness, because so many people have added so much value in times of crisis. For me, I was really tuned into some solitude and connection with my gut and just going with what felt right, getting out of what I think would be right to do and into what felt right. And that, that small little seed has really germinated for me, where it just didn't feel right to come out with any semblance of knowing. I could definitely come out with helping and supporting on FaceTime or other places. But what I've gone deep in over the last 6 months for myself personally is willingness to be in the mystery, not necessarily the mastery, and willingness to get really messy in that because it's really vulnerable. It's like, well, instead of like reading Instagram and going, nope, when it comes to this relationship, it says that's the toxic behavior and I follow it down. And so now I know, given therapy on Instagram, I should never do this, or I should cut that person out of my life. Like, we're Googling and looking for the answers of what to do. And I've done that so often, that intellectualizing, that I've just been really okay with going, well, what feels right? And if I move in that direction and it proves to be, um, no longer feeling right, I'll move in this other direction. And so I'm excited for myself to be designing a life. And what I've done in that mystery is just a lot of noticing. And I've really noticed what I've resisted on the way into my life, and I've noticed what I've held on to too long going out of my life. I've been really working with living within the premise, or living aligned with, or definitely not fighting the principle of impermanence, that, um, things are so sweet in your life for the very reason is that they aren't here for long. They're impermanent. And we don't know— we're surprised by things as they come in a wonderful way that we're awestruck. And we also, you know, don't always see the coming of how they're gonna leave us. And so a lot of my life I've been focused on saying yes and welcoming easily what comes into my life and just being willing to say yes in ways that takes me outside my comfort zone. I even have whole yes days. And so I really got some muscle around being brave and doing hard things and taking risk and not arguing with why this is my deal. Like, I will gladly take it on. And I've grown my business by just being willing to do the extra and be willing to say yes. And, and now what is Exciting for me is I feel like I've really mastered some of welcoming what's coming in easily. And now what I'm walking in the mystery of is mastering, or at least getting better at, the letting go easily. And it doesn't mean that I'm trying to keep things out of my life. What I'm doing, instead of having things come into my life, I want to welcome it. I just don't want it to always hit my list or for me to commission and give away my most precious resource, which is my time and attention. So I want to welcome all that comes in my life that can expand my view or expand my thinking or blow my mind so I have a lot more mystery and a lot less knowing. That's what I'm really going after now with what I welcome into my life. I want to welcome things in that add to my mystery, that make things even more unresolved. You know, Pauline Boss was a therapist that talked about ambiguous grief. And ambiguous grief is grief that we have a loss, but we don't really have facts, or we don't have a resolution. It's as if somebody goes on a sailing trip and never returns. We don't know, can we grieve? Are they gone? Will they ever come back? And it isn't until you just acknowledge they could walk in any day and they could never return, and make a decision with agency, like, I'm willing to move forward even without the facts, without resolution. Like, the agency comes where I will live with multiple things being true at once. And so I was listening to some of, um, her work and just really hearing from her about Our agency, or stepping up into accountability, can be willingness to live with the mystery. Where I think a lot of times in personal accountability, we narrow it down to, I'll step up and know my part in this and know through self-reflection what to do different in the future. There's just a whole lot of knowing going on in personal accountability. And so what I'm finding is almost everything I teach, we go to this end of the spectrum, but But there's duality in there. This contains this end of the spectrum. And so as we explore personal accountability, we over-rotate to knowing my part in the mess and self-reflecting so that becomes visible. And the minute we do that, the ego can co-opt it as if knowing our part means that we've mastered something. And the minute you think you've mastered something, it will be undone for you. And so the minute you learn, you probably have the next step of unlearning. The minute you know, you probably have entered into a new period period of like not knowing. And so that's what I'm playing with right now. All that to say, what I have chosen to focus on next in my life is I want to work with and dance with letting go. And there's a lot in my life right now that I think, um, I will find a lot of joy and sadness in letting go of. And I want to allow things in that expand me, but I want to let go of those things that come in landing on my list and occupying or taking my time and attention. And I want to focus on letting go of things and creating space in my life. Because what I'm finding for me, the more space I have, the more inviting new ideas, um, the more invitation I have out to the universe of like new ideas coming in, the more space there is to be creative. It's almost like having nothing planned and being bored for the day makes more space for ideas to come and land. And I'm just fascinated with creating space. So I'm watching The Home Edit, which was kind of an obsession of mine. I'm through all this, all the, the, um, episodes. And one thing they said that really struck me is when you're thinking about, does this thing— and we're just talking material now— does this thing spark joy? Does it like— because there's a cost to it. If you choose the item, you give up space. And I'm really visual, so space is really big to me. Those of you that are designers know that white space is so important, that, that space is as important as the item, that we need really both in our lives. And that made so much sense to me that the decision isn't, will I use this someday, and is it still useful, and is it good, and, you know, um, is it of value, and, um, could it maybe serve a purpose? Is it a just-in-case? The commodity I'm trading is space, which is clarity and room to breathe and room for maneuvering and creating and thinking. So I've kind of gotten obsessed with like space and what I need to let go of, not just material, material things to create space, and I started to make a list of things that I either was willing to let go of or wanted to become willing to let go of. And it's really become a focus for me because at this time in my life, there's just a lot of things coming to a wonderful completion, and I'm good with thanking that chapter of my life, that person, that, um, process, that activity, and letting it go and seeing what happens. So one of the things I've had a lot of practice this year in letting go of is like my need to be understood. I found that I really hate it when people in my mind are wrong about me. And I had to get really willing for people to be wrong about me because they didn't know the whole story or they didn't know what I keep private. I had to really get good at people being wrong about— the willingness to have people be wrong about me in order for me to be able to create the life that I was being called to create. And so I really have found ways through all that is happening with changes in the business and changes in the world Where I've had the opportunity to find that rough edge of my ego that I can polish off, and the need to be understood or approved of or appreciated, just in general, kind of that people pleasing, keeping the peace, having people agree with my decisions or validate it or even understand it. And I also have so many things happening in my life right now that I have been willing to let go of any hope for resolution, for knowing what happened, or for bringing multiple people to understand the facts, or for convincing somebody of like what my intentions were, what my heart was. I've just let go of all of that. If I've caused harm, I want to fix that if I am clear for myself? I don't need to like explain it. So I'm letting go of my need to like even explain things. Now the reason I'm putting this out here in a podcast and I'm flying solo this week is I'm about to announce some really cool changes in, um, the podcast and in our business. And they're just temporary, but they're gonna be good. And I also am encouraging you to find out where You have mastered something, and then watch out for that over-rotation and then cultivate the opposite of it. So as you're evolving— and we're all about love wins and evolution— if I had to give you your next assignment for reflection and contemplation is look at your progress and give yourself just some amazing kudos for what you've survived, the hard things that you've done. Like, you've made it. We We're doing okay. We're hanging in there. We're learning and unlearning a lot. So with a lot of gentleness, acknowledge where you've grown, where you've evolved. But I want you to know that the minute you evolve and you tip into mastery, you're in a dangerous place. And the minute you master one end of the spectrum, I need you to— I'd recommend— I don't need you to do anything. I'd recommend that you do what I'm doing, where if you master this piece of it, you look very quickly to what's on the other end of that spectrum and where can you live in the mystery of how both can be true at the same time and not err on mastering one or the other, but trying to gain fluency in many of these things. So I really mastered saying yes and letting things come into my life and being so open for feedback and what people are saying to me and having compassion and understanding for what's happening for them and That as I've mastered some of that, I'm needing to now say, okay, I mastered welcoming so much into my life, and I've had such a rich, wonderful, full life. And now we're in a different season. It's time to master the letting go of— or if not master, be willing to be in the mystery of the letting go of things. And so For me, what I'm about right now is really focusing on radical simplification, letting go of everything but the basics. And that is one of the big insights I got in my time, um, being stranded in Mexico for 3 months when the pandemic first hit, is this fantastic satisfaction, savory satisfaction of not having everything I need but having enough. And so enough is really a cool word I'm walking with right now. And so I'm gonna focus on letting go of the things, um, that take away from that radical simplification and just really trying to pare things down to what is, um, truly either necessary or savory, scrumptious for me to enjoy and practice the willingness to Let go. So I want you thinking about letting go. So I made a list of things I'm going to let go, and one of the things I want to let go of is things not meant for me. So much of an entrepreneur's life is about that end of the spectrum of hustle, and so as opportunities come in, I'm like, you know what? Why not say yes? And I want to let go of things that aren't meant for me. There's so many opportunities out there. I want to really discern not just like oh it came up and it chose me, but whether I choose. It. And so there's so many things that as I was expanding my career, and it's been a blast, it was like, oh well, you know, I could. And so I would say yes to some things just because I could, or what could, what could the bother be, you know? I, I, um, it's not gonna hurt anything and something good might come of it. And, you know, I, I was asked by somebody I care about, and I want to help others out as I was helped out, and I want to pay back, and I want to be a good citizen. And, you know, why not? The time is open on my calendar. Um, you know, I'm able to do that. It could grow our business. And what I realized is, while that was fantastic for me as I was expanding my business and able to help more people, that now I'm in a place where I want to raise my standards. And I'm sharing this with you because I'm hoping maybe you'll find some value in what I'm trying to share vulnerably so that you can say, wait a minute, am I saying yes because I have time open on my calendar? Am I trading space for an item? Like, what's the real trade here? And so I want to let go of kind of the lower standard I have about saying yes to things and saying yes because it wouldn't hurt instead of saying yes because I'm so excited about that. It's a heck yeah. It would bring me joy and it would really make best use of my talent. Because I, I find myself sometimes death by a thousand paper cuts where I do a lot of good in the world, but I might not necessarily be having the impact I want to have in the world. And I want to create room for, um, spacious For, um, for enough, for, for creativity. So I am saying a lot of goodbyes this year. I am letting a lot of opportunities go by, and they'll land with somebody else who will welcome that opportunity. And I am so okay with if I don't really recognize as it meant for me that it really resonates, I'm going to just allow it to pass me by. And this is whole new behavior for me. I have a lot of goodbyes to say, a lot of goodbyes. I have in the next few months one of the most difficult goodbyes to say my entire life and one of the most important relationships, my dearest friends. I am going to create space to really make that a sacred goodbye. And, um, I, I have a friend who's ill, and it's just— I'm gonna take the time to go deep into this mystery and say goodbye. And what I'm finding a lot about when I'm not able to let go and I'm feeling stuck and I'm holding on to something I don't need to know what to do. I don't need to master anything. I don't need to orchestrate anything. Mostly I need to probably just sit down and grieve for a moment. And whenever I'm feeling stuck, it's like my way out is grief, because I try and like figure it out and call in my resources, and it becomes like a Chinese finger puzzle where the harder I pull, the, the more difficult it is to get my fingers out. So If it doesn't spark joy, if it isn't honoring something sacred, if it doesn't touch me in a way that just really resonates and, um, excites me or scares me in the way that, you know, like, oh, this is probably meant for me, this one's probably mine, I'm gonna resist the urge to jump into over-functioning and people-pleasing, and I'm going to let it go by. I'm going to let go of things that feel like I have to I've already let go of like so many clothes and possessions and physical weight and bad habits and, um, relationships that no longer serve me. One of the things I'm really letting go of is my fear of missing out. Even though I'm an introvert, I'm letting go of that. Like, there isn't going to be something I miss out on that dooms my business or my life forever. I'm gonna let go of like feeling like I need to jump on because all the cool kids are doing it. I'm going to let go of like self-imposed deadlines. I'm gonna let go, um, and like not keep things just in case. I'm going to have enough faith in myself and what I can create, um, that I'll always have what I need. I'll always have enough. And I bring this out to you because I think at this time in our life it is so much more about unlearning what we thought we knew for sure, realizing what we thought mastered we probably didn't and we over-rotated on, and get out of just even this mastery culture and be willing to, um, master or get fluent in living in the mystery of it and to really play the ends of the spectrum. If you're good at welcoming in, then how good are you at letting go? Or if you're Um, you know, where do you need to evolve next? And for me, it really is this letting go piece. So this is bringing me to my really exciting, uh, news. This will be my last podcast. I am not leaving you high and dry. I am finding that I am teaching the basics over and over again of reality-based leadership, which I think they're pretty awesome. I have people reaching out to me, and we have so many new followers. We've grown so much, and I can tell by the questions I'm getting and some of the engagement I'm getting that it would be a great time for us to all center back into the basics, not the things we've already mastered. The basics, just to lay a foundation and to expand our thinking again. Because a lot of people will take a piece of my work and they're like, oh, I'm going to hold people accountable. And I'm like, that— don't use my work for evil. That's based on a whole premise of like caring and loving people and evolving yourself and working your own biases. And so I'm going to not do a any new content on the podcast until February. I am taking us back to the basics, to our first season, and we are going to replay some of my most basic podcasts. And we're going to do that weekly, and we're going to cover them on social media. And it's going to allow me just some incredible space to say some goodbyes and to make room for all the creativity that's coming through with writing my book And for me to really do the things calling to me. And what it does for you is it gives you a chance to get all of your team involved, to get all of the people in your life involved, and go like, let's do this from the beginning. Let's talk about this. Now you have to keep in mind, it was a couple years ago, so it's pre-COVID, it's pre-waking up of people that aren't of color. Like, there's some things that's not going to be absolutely relevant, but I'm leaving space for myself to move away from social media and do that for 4 months. And we're gonna start with the basics that we're gonna serve back up to you and really create this space. Now, some of you are like, but I want the new stuff. I love this stuff. It helps. I'm glad you love it, and I'm glad it helps. You can join my Life's Messy, Live Happy group. One of the things I'm creating, and I don't want to keep have-tos in my life and try and do both and not give my best to the creating part. One of the things I've created is a Life's Messy, Live Happy group. It's a year-long process. We will get together monthly starting October 28th. And if you want to be part of this group, you got to go to info.realitybasedleadership.com/LMLH. That stands for Life's Messy, Live Happy. Info.realitybasedleadership.com/lifesmoothielivehappy. And there is where we're going to come together in a more iterative, collaborative, collective way, because together we're genius. And instead of me just preaching and teaching, we're going to connect for a couple hours each month on Zoom. You'll get direct access to me. I'll be right there. And then we're going to have some, um, a private community that we're going to be able to answer questions and have dialogue and discussion, and you're going to get exclusive content. And I'm going to pull back from some of the serving things up and do some co-creating with all of you. So if you're feeling withdrawals, you're okay, we got you. But that's where we're going to be for some of the more exclusive content. So if you've got folks that could sure use some of the basics, please Go back to season one podcast, and we'll dish it up for you. You won't even have to go looking for that. And what I'm going to be doing then is lots of writing, lots of creating. The book is already coming along quite well. It'll be out in September. Life's messy. Live happy. But in order to really let that book have space to just be deep and big and rich and luscious. I am limiting my connecting with people to kind of protect my energy, and we're going to do it in this Life's Messy, Live Happy group. Now, there will still be things we're doing because we love it. I'm going to be, for instance, end of October, doing a 3-hour webinar that gives HR credits, business credits. So you're going to want to tap into that, and it's sponsored by the HR of the Midlands Group here in Omaha. But all of this is out there. You'll see it on social. But I want you connecting in with us. We want to feed you. We'll still be doing a lot of work with our clients. We'll still be doing a lot of things. But I, uh, I'm being very brave. I've never moved away from what does Psy want and what really excites me and how can I just create a lot of space for myself. It feels so luxurious. And also create space for myself to do a lot of letting go. And you'll read about some of that in the book and the people that are dear to me. So I've been pondering a lot. And a friend of mine who's ill— and we're in the process of saying goodbye to each other— someone asked me about why we're so close. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I've just always felt so unconditionally loved by her. And so they're like, well, what— like, what does that mean? Because I'm writing, so people are like, clarify. And I said, you know, I think I can describe it this way. Whenever I'm with her, and just the way that she's loved me as a friend, is throughout our relationship, I never got the feeling I wasn't enough. I was just always convinced that no matter who I was, what I did, like, I just have always been enough of a person. I've just always been enough. And that got me thinking about the power of enough. Instead of like grieving, I'm like, oh my gosh, the time we've had is enough. The time we have left is enough. Who we are together is enough. Like, what if it's just all completely satisfactory and I take away that craving or desire for something more? What if life right now is enough? What if what I have is Enough. And I have found so much happiness in this word enough, this concept enough. And when I took that on about that's what it's been like to have her in my life and be loved by her, I met with some sadness because I started thinking about people I've loved. And I asked myself, did they walk away from our time together doubting that they were enough, feeling like they weren't enough? Or was my— the way I, I was, I was able to love them, was it that they're absolutely convinced that they were enough, that together we were enough? And I have to tell you, I don't know that I could answer that question well, because for me, my attention has gotten taken away for like people pleasing or hustling or producing. And so I kind of have a new goal— not kind of, I have a new goal. Even those people I'm leading, I want to make sure, even when I'm calling them to greatness, that they know that they are enough. And I think sometimes people get the message that they aren't enough, that even though I would like us to evolve in a certain way, we have goals that are stretch goals, that they aren't about that person not being enough, or us not being enough, or us not having enough. And so that's the mystery I want to go deep into, is how can I help people live with these multiple things that can be true? That we are enough, you are enough, I'm enough, everybody is, is enough. We're, we're good. And we could be improving. And we could be more open-minded. And we could— Improve on the times we toggle into ego. My mom used to say, Sai, you're perfect and you could stand some improvement. And I want to be able to go back in, and as I work with people, as I have people in my life, I want our time together to be such that, uh, if people leave with one thing, they, they feel Absolutely certain that they're enough. And for me, I think that's the definition of love. I think that love is— whether it's a love relationship or just friends or caring for your people— I think that's the definition, that we're able to separate out any disapproval of the person or any judgment of the person But we're able also to call us all up to create a better world and to step up in these times and to know that together we are enough. Together we're collective genius. These are tough times, folks, but they are our times. And I want to make sure I can come at that with enough presence and open-mindedness and open-heartedness. So what's the lesson of the podcast today? I want you to take a look at what you set out to master, and the minute you feel that you've mastered it, or you're beating yourself up because you haven't yet mastered it, I want you to back off and enter into the mystery. I want you to consider making a list of things that you want to let go of. We always make lists for like, oh, what could I do next, or how could I evolve next? I want you to ponder the idea of what would happen if You traded in commitments and time on schedule than your— like, if you just looked at your calendar and there was space there, what would that do for your compassion towards people? What would that do for your care for other people? I think too often the ego uses, I was rushed and I was overwhelmed and I was busy, to justify us not being good to one another and not leaving people with the sense that they're absolutely enough. You were enough for me. You always have been. You always will. Our time together was enough. And so I'm working to create space. I'm working to see what that busyness is keeping me from knowing about myself. And a lot of you say I look different, I sound different. I'm telling you what, this whole letting go and creating space and not grabbing onto things not meant for me and no longer serving me. Has been amazing. So I hope you are all well. You will hear from me, but in mostly in the Life's Messy Live Happy group. But there'll be great things coming, and I don't know what those completely look like. But know that I am well. I hope you are well. I hope you are safe. Please vote, and no matter what happens with the vote, remember. That we are all members of the human race and that love really does win. And this is a time to focus on evolving ourselves so that we can be better partners in creating the world place that we want, that's inclusive and kind and gentle and soft and has plenty of space. For the mystery and for the unresolved and for all of us being just okay anyway because we're enough. So join us for the Life's Messy, Live Happy group so that you stay with us and enjoy the podcast as we take you back to the basics in social media. And, uh, be good to one another, and I'll be back in February. Bye. Be well. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.