Moving Past Hurt Feelings & Understanding Our Triggers

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.

So let's go to some questions. I want to get back up to Heidi. You had a great question. Thanks for being brave and asking this. So Heidi's question is, now that I've communicated my trigger to my loved one, how do we move past Past hurt feelings. Okay, when we communicate that something is triggered, what will happen normally is we'll just keep getting triggered until we stop the spiral. Because what's happening is that it might not be hurt feelings; it might be shame, embarrassment. You know, I've communicated, I took a risk, you didn't react like, oh my gosh, thanks for sharing. You react, you know, ticked off. Now I'm like embarrassed and ashamed. I'm like, I should never opened up to you. And now I'm hurt and, and you're hurt because maybe I pointed out something you didn't even know you were doing that was frustrating. All of that stuff, when we do communicate something, can really, you know, get the ego involved on both sides. And, and we go into story, that's why I never tell you anything, and I'm never gonna bring anything up again. And, and we just begin the loneliness and the separation and the armoring up, as you know, Brené Brown, who we all adore, says. So one of the things that you can do to get past your hurt feelings, right, because you can't really work on the other, is if you communicated something And you communicated your trigger is first of all get past your own hurt feelings, and how you do that is you really feel your feelings and notice what feelings are not hurt, but they're shame, they're embarrassment. How do you know? You'll start negative self-talk. You'll start hearing yourself think ridiculous things. I'm never opening up to anybody ever again. This is you. I probably should even consider like divorcing this person. I they're full. They're totally incapable, and oh yeah, and they do stuff, and you start— if it's that stuff, if what you're feeling seems to get you racing in your thinking, seems to get you planning for extreme measures, that's just shame and vulnerability. And what I want you to do with that is you can't stop that. What you need to do is apply self-compassion. Mm-hmm. And self-love and say, "Whoa, timeout! Let's put some love on that. Let's put some healing on that." I'm a human being. I took my best shot at sharing a trigger. I probably didn't do it well. I didn't have the right words for it. It separated us for a moment. That's all that's going on. What's my truth? I care about this person. I'm willing to be hurt again. That's why I stay, but I would rather not be. I would like some help from them if they're willing. And once you get into that place, notice how your heart closed down and your mind closed down. So folks, when we're doing brave things in relationships and it's messy, we will take a baby risk, and then when it gets scary, our mind will close down, we judge, our heart will close down, we armor up. You can start either place. I can either start with my mind opening up by editing my story, getting to the facts, getting mentally flexible, Instead of one explanation for this, that they're just a horrible person and are arrogant and egotistical and they don't care, to see if there are multiple explanations. Gosh, that might have been really scary for them because, you know, they might be going through some hurt because I said this has been going on for a while and I never was honest with them. And they might be questioning, like, what else don't they know? And they might be worried about being abandoned or being left or— If I can find lots of explanations in my mind opening up, what you'll notice is your heart starts opening back up. You're like, oh, they're just scared too. Now we can connect. What's the truth? We're both scared. If you can't open your mind up, you are like, no. Try opening your heart up by doing this thing. How can I understand this? Because I am this. Let me go back to a time where I've reacted to somebody telling me about their trigger and I mocked them, or I laughed, or I said that's ridiculous, or I told them to suck it up. Like, if you can find your own humanness, how you are like that too, a lot of times it pops your mind back open. And here's the deal, your heart and mind are connected. Open mind, open heart. Closed mind, closed heart. Closed heart, closed mind. So that's how you get past it. And then I talked last time about some repair attempts, that when somebody is— you have shared with them and it's changed their world a little bit, one of the things you need to do is find something sincere and true where you really go to them and you stay proximate. Proximate. Like, a lot of times we tell people that, then we separate physically. Like, in a moment, find a way to be tender and show tenderness. So, you know, if it's somebody who is A partner to you. Like, when you're passing in the hallway, just ask for consent. Just go, my heart's really open right now, and I just want you to know I really love you. I would love to hug you. Is there anything I can do to support you right now? Find something they did that you can affirm them. Um, I really appreciate— I know when I first told you this, um, you may have responded out of some fear or whatever was going on for you, but I just want you to know I appreciate. I I see you're pondering this, and and thank you. Like find something to appreciate about them, and just continue not to push for conclusion, not to name things too soon, to stay open. And when you're tempted to go out mentally, just see if you can't go one step in. Like I have to literally tell myself because my little girl in me is like, "I am out of here. I didn't need you in the first place, and I can do it myself." And This is why I don't have a lot of people. That's— I have to go sit, stay open. Can I be curious a bit longer? If you have amends to make, make amends the way you did it. Also be okay with not over-processing something, not talking about it. Don't think because you're— the person isn't verbalizing their change that they aren't considering it. Be careful with one another right now. And by the way, when we set boundaries and we tell triggers, a lot of times we set boundaries and we say, so I need you not to do this. A better boundary is to say, when this happens, which it probably will— we're doing the best we can with what we have— here's how I will take care of myself. And do you hear the difference in that? A lot of times we set boundaries that take things away from people instead of setting boundaries that say, when this happens in my environment, I will take care of myself in the following way, and find a way that's not punishing to somebody else. So the example I give that's not pandemic-related is I worked with a mother, a woman who had just married a man, and they had his children with them part-time, and She valued table manners, and she valued coming to a dinner that was calm and a place to kind of release a hard day and be in community with people. And he didn't have some of those same values. He was— his dinners were like times to get kids fed, and the kids were less than peaceful according to her. Right? I'm trying to describe this neutrally because that's where I want you to get to. It's just what people valued. And so she would sit and just get so frustrated about people interrupting and loudness and pounding on the table and not using utensils and, you know, taking too much food and not eating what you take. Like, all the rules that she had and she grew up with, no one was practicing. So for the longest time, she would nag him, like, you need to do something with your kids. You need to teach them manners. When they do that, And nothing ever changed. She was setting boundaries and then she would threaten. She would say, you know, and she would critique, like, you're not a good dad and these kids are gonna grow up, you know, not able to conduct a business dinner. And it just was always this lack of love. And so we talked about boundaries. I'm like, what is it you need? And she goes, well, not always, but there are some nights I just need peace and quiet. And I said, so if there's a place at the dinner table or a time when you're not getting what you need, what would be a boundary you could set that's just Just for you to follow through. She's like, well, I guess I could go eat on our porch. We have a nice table out there. In those moments, I could just remove myself. And I'm like, how can you do that leaving other people's dignity intact with lots of love? How can you take care of yourself? So she just said, you know what, this is— you guys are having a lot of fun. This is— I'm needing some peace right now. So I I'm gonna right now take care of myself and go out to the porch. And as she did that without motive, she got the peace she needed when she needed it, but it was a boundary she set for herself. And he was there with his kids. But what started happening when you do boundaries well is it leaves people with a direct relationship with their own situation, and they can work it out or not. But he started to just— instead of having a 2-front war where he could focus on her always nagging about his kids, he was just there left to manage his kids. And he started going, this doesn't work for me. And then he's like, I really would like to eat with you, my wife. And she's like, that would be awesome, I'd love to eat together. Here's some of the minimal things I would like to work on then for me to be at the table. And if you can do that with staying in your lane and out of these demands for other people, it's, um, it's really important. And so for all of you, this is a real time of setting boundaries. And, and you can't set boundaries with starting with critique of another. They're, they're doing them. They're doing them. That's just not your business. You've got to come to really identify what you need and identify how you'll take care of yourself and identify, you know, how involved you'll be with the situation. A lot of people set boundaries like, I don't want you, you know, Texting other people when we're early in our dating relationship. Well, if your boundary is trying to change the behavior of another, what you need to decide is if you want, at a certain point, texting monogamy, then you need to ask, would you be okay with us just texting each other? And then if somebody's not okay with that, you need to decide what you'll do with that. But a lot of people stay in relationship with people texting others and just critique the ones Doing it instead of removing themselves. I hope that's clear because I want you guys to be thinking about boundaries. I want to talk— we hit on a couple of things, but I wanted to talk a little bit in our time, and I'll keep looking for your questions, you guys. Talk a little bit about— we've talked about boundaries. That was one of my notes. I want to talk about this shame and just the mean things we do to ourselves, the lack of compassion. So many people, when they either are judging or thinking negatively, they think they can power through and stop their thinking. And that is just like— if you imagine how a radio works, there's a signal that's just always playing, and sometimes the dial tunes in and receives it, but we can't always control what's being— what song's being played on the station. That's not ours. And that ego is just kind of always playing. And the ego is it judges, right? It's the source of creating separation. But a lot of times the ego isn't judging just other people. The ego judges inwardly without mercy. And that's really where we get in touch with like, I'm not enough and I never was enough. The ego separates us from our— who we are at source, like our, our authentic or our essential self, which is Always enough. How do we know? It's the reflection of all that is, regardless of your religious beliefs. Like, that spirit is just— I mean, it's, it is enough. So what happens with ego a lot of times is we turn it inward and it gets kind of violent. And I want you to start really listening in to some of the chatter going on in your head at times, and I We teach you how to edit your story, but when it comes to this type of spiral shame thinking, you need to stop. You can't squelch it; it will keep playing. You can't control it, but you need to stop and you need to apply something loving to it. So if you imagine a contained space, it's it's it's not that I can kick something out; it's only I can apply something in equal measure that offsets. Sets it. So for instance, it's like if you're thinking versus when you're meditating, it's— it's— you can't do both at once. I talk about that. You can't judge and help simultaneously. It's not, I'm just gonna tell myself to stop judging. You have to— to flip these switches, to bypass, you have to leave one and feed another. It's where you give your attention to. It's what you apply and bring in. So So it's just like, you can't fight the darkness, you apply light. It's that concept. So there are some things that when I want you to catch yourself and get firm and just say, nah, nah, and then get compassionate and then find a more spacious way to name that reality you're naming. And so I've got to put my glasses on. I found this on Instagram and it was Spectacular about the pandemic, and it is from Dr. Kelly Vincent. So @DrKellyVincent. And she— I think it's a she because I follow her— she said, here's some examples. So when you're thinking, and this is kind of shameful and violent towards yourself, you're thinking, I need to be productive during this time. It seems like everybody else is. Right? It's saying, you know what, I'm gonna take one day at a time and I'm gonna acknowledge that productivity will come and go. And so I'm gonna work with this and I'm gonna be productive as possible and make best use of those times that I'm feeling the energy. Now what this does is it is holding yourself accountable, right? So it's, it's giving yourself a break while not letting yourself off the hook. And this is super important. This is a big and. When I talk about being compassionate as you go through this time, I want you guys letting yourself off the, you know, giving yourself a break, but not letting yourself off the hook, because part of what we really need to do is push through some of this, find a way to be resilient, find a way to be innovative. So another great couple of these, she says things like, I feel like I'm failing as a parent. I can't keep up. And, you know, how about just like, I'm doing the best I can during a pandemic. I doubt that 1 month of 1st grade math is gonna ruin my child's future if they miss it or I don't teach it that well. Like, you know, what, what can I focus on that we are learning in this time? My kids are driving me bonkers, so I'm a terrible parent. And it's like, of course I'm gonna feel frustrated. This is hard. This is like, this is crazy stuff, right? Um, why am I the only one so anxious? What about like, everyone processes things differently, they process emotions differently. I didn't freak out about working from remotely because I've been doing it forever. So don't compare you to me or to anyone. Um, I handle the unknown. I can't handle the unknown. The anxiety's out of control. Like, what about things like, the unknown can be scary, but I'll try to focus on what I can control. And I say this because I really want you guys to listen to the ways that your ego plays you into shame and into not being enough. Anytime you feel like you're not acing this test, you're not enough, it's like— it's not that you're doing life right. Glennon Doyle, in her new book Untamed, it was so beautiful. It's like you are doing life right. It's messy. And that's why I'm focusing so much on my book, how messy life really is. So, um, really get firm and get choosing. Choose what you're going to give your attention to. If you're thinking something that doesn't fit for you, or you do not want to choose for yourself, do not attach to that thought. Thinking has no power over you. You're the observer of the thinking. The only time it becomes reality for you is when you agree, when you choose, when you believe, when you attach. And that's why I say a lot, like, the worst thing you can do is believe your own thinking, because that thinking just is thinking, and it has zero influence on you if you're just the witness, just the noticer. It's actually kind of entertaining how creative your minds can be, or tiring when you realize that tape's been going on in your head for 25 years. You've proved it untrue for a long time, but you can't fight it. To fight it, you have to tangle with it and attach with it. And you can offset it with some affirmations and some meditation and other things. But until that transformation happens, what you can do is look at it and just say, you know, here's what's more true for me, is I'm gonna acknowledge these times are tough, and I wasn't as equipped as it— I am now hoping I will be in the future. So what can I do next? I can just Work on equipping myself and learning all I can. Gentle, gentle, gentle. Don't believe and agree. It is the agreeing, the, the attaching that creates this in your life. Just let it fly by like a cloud. Notice that it's there and reaffirm for yourself what is more true for you. And choosing is really important right now because what we're choosing and what we're giving attention to becomes our future. And so, you know, even when I asked your privilege, right now we are exposing the results of so many of our choices as people, as neighbors, as a nation. A lot of people go, oh my gosh, you know, in New Orleans the hurricane was a natural disaster and this pandemic is a, you know, a, you know, a health disaster. There's some philosophers out there that say there really is no such thing as a natural disaster. Nature happens. The failure of our systems, the ones we chose, the ones we created, the ones we put in place, that's what created the disaster. And I think, you guys, we have to get really clear on what we choose, whether it's our internal dialogue and what we choose to affirm and feed in our life. And we've got to take those moments and let our heart break open for for what our fellow humans are going through, because that is a vivid picture of the accumulation of all of our choices to date. And in accountability, folks, if you can't own it, you can't change it. And that's why I say things like, don't waste a good pandemic. Do not ignore what our world looks like right now and how quickly it could be brought to its knees through a pandemic. And I'm not saying we should have known in November. I'm not saying that. We were susceptible to this no matter when we knew. It's not about scapegoating a person, a group. It is about getting in touch with that we have been part of some generations of choosing for the— for our part in the human race. And a lot of times we separate and, and see ourselves in a better or worse position, and we choose according to our ego's preference. Rather than the potential, which is what is going to nourish and feed all. So as you're choosing your thoughts, choose nourishing thoughts right now. Don't just, you know, think about what you eat. Really choose the nourishing thoughts you're giving yourself. Choose nourishing behaviors towards others. You know, just make really good choices.

This is the No Ego Podcast. Where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your workplace. I'm Cy Wakeman.