S2E11: How to Start

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Welcome listeners to another episode of the podcast. I hope you are enjoying season 2. I know that we are growing, growing, growing, getting tons and tons of new listeners and downloads. And today in my time with you, I Today I wanted to answer the question that I and those of us that are out speaking on behalf of Reality-Based Leadership hear the most right after we have finished a session. And that is, Sai, where do I begin? How do I implement some of the great stuff you're teaching when I'm a newbie? How do I begin when I don't have as quick of comebacks as you do? When I'm just not quick in the response, where do I start? And so today, that's what I'm going to hopefully help you with a whole lot in this podcast. So let's back up just a second. Reality-based leadership is a modern approach to leadership where we are not out there as leaders to fix things or to create circumstances that make it easy to succeed because we can't control reality. We can't change most people's circumstances. But what we can do is help people get skillful so that they can move freely throughout the world just As it is, first accepting reality and growing in ways that they can skillfully move through that reality. And then from that place of neutrality and non-victimhood beyond ego, they can tap into incredible places where they can then have impact in the world. So reality-based leadership isn't about helping people get passive or just accept the status quo, but it is helping them accept reality by helping them to stop arguing with reality and take the energy and focus away from changing our reality into growing ourselves and seeing reality differently. It's first moving our own toggle switch up. So we all have this toggle switch in the middle of our forehead, and when it's toggled down, we're in low self. We're seeing the world as through the lens of our ego. We are a victim. We're seeing insults where there isn't any. We believe we're at the mercy of our circumstances, and our first response is to— when our circumstances change, rather than toggle switching up where we see world from a whole different viewpoint, one in which we can see options and identify a lot of ways that we can have impact in the world. And just this toggle switch up, this movement into high self, can happen by a simple act of self-reflection. And it's self-reflection that lets us bypass our ego and move into the best parts of our brain. And so as leaders, as modern leaders, we have a different goal. Our goal is to eliminate drama from the workplace. It's that 2.5 hours a day per person per headcount that we can recapture and upcycle the time that we and others spend in drama. That's really the main goal of a leader, I think, in today's world. And how do you ditch the drama? Well, if drama is emotional waste and you think about all the great techniques and philosophies and methodologies we have today to get rid of waste, they usually involve process improvements. And if drama is emotional waste, the best way to get rid of emotional ways is with the process, but this time a good mental process. And so a leader's role is a lot about teaching people better mental processes from which they can move through the world in a whole different way, using a different way of thinking about the world, understanding their mind and the difference between ego and high self, and first toggling themselves out of ego. And the way we toggle, we move into high self, this power of self-reflection is a lot about questions. And so therefore Leadership, the power of leadership is really about what you get people thinking about, not what you fix for them or what you do to them. So it's not what you tell people that gives you an impact in their lives and their work. It's no longer what you say, what you tell, what you fix. It's not what you tell people, it's what you get them thinking about. And when we studied the high accountables in comparison to those who were in a state of low accountability, they told us that they got that way Not from feedback, not from what their bosses were telling them, but from what they were asked to self-reflect on. And they really taught us the power of self-reflection. And so now we really try and teach humility-based leadership that it's our goal to give clear and short feedback, but really ensure that self-reflection's long. So short, clear feedback, long self-reflection is really the key to helping people grow. And those higher kind of almost told us that feedback filled with bias and your perspective is not what's helpful. Feedback from their reality, from this direct relationship with reality where we're as leaders not sugarcoating or buffering or trying to enable or protect them from their reality. We're not giving them our opinions on how they're performing and what we think, which is filled with our bias that they're really suspects of, but we're giving them a direct relationship with reality. Reality is the absolute best motivator. And if you want If you want your people motivated, stop interfering with their relationship with reality. And there's 2 ways that our relationship with reality, the data we get from reality, gets corrupted. One is our own ego. When we are seeing the world through the lens of our ego, it's corrupting and distorting our relationship with reality. The other is when our leaders work hard to bend reality in our favor, to enable us and protect us from natural consequences and a clear view. And so leaders and even colleagues and friends, the best thing they can do for another is hold space for another to self-reflect. So to that aim, we teach a lot of tools and questions for self-reflection, a lot of techniques in Reality-Based Leadership that I teach, and some really wonderful things you're hearing from the people I'm interviewing on this season's podcast. And that brings me back to the question where so many people love the information, and then they kind of panic at the end where they say, but how do I How can I get started? How can I really change what I've been taught over the years from traditional leadership philosophy and really begin anew? So listeners, my best tips for that. First of all, you are not gonna do this perfectly. And how do I know that? Is I don't do it perfectly. You're gonna screw this up probably daily. How do I know that? I study it, I write books on it, I teach it, and I screw it up, but only daily. See, you have a human condition called the The ego. And your ego is very sophisticated. When you move beyond it, it evolves as you evolve. It becomes more sophisticated as you become more sophisticated. So we see people who really get nonjudgmental and neutral, and they stop judging and start helping. And then the ego evolves, and so do they. They start judging the judgers and thinking about why can't all these other people get it? And bam, they're back in the ego again. We hope as a leader that your first work is to get yourself neutral and then to bring neutrality to all other situations. And that comes through language. So how do you get started? First, you realize that you will mess this up, but that's okay because you have the power of mulligans. You have the power of do-overs. You have the power of beginning again. So a great thing to keep in mind is as you try some of these new techniques, And you find yourself screwing them up, you reflect and find that, gosh dang, you could have done better. That's okay. Just go back to that person and let them know that, first of all, you're sorry you misled them, that you've done some self-reflection and you realize that you maybe colluded with them or when the opportunity arose. And you simply start with, I'm sorry, I didn't lead well in our interaction yesterday or last week. And I've reflected and I would like to begin again. Let's start over. And this is so powerful because a mulligan shows people the power of self-reflection, that you are self-reflecting and that it's not a shameful big deal and that you're claiming some time. Can I get another shot of your time? And let's go back. And I would like to see if we couldn't move forward from that place in a different way. Now, this isn't a vehement attempt to change them when they aren't getting it, Because the minute you move out of neutral, you're having a motive. You're trying to change their world. I'm simply just saying to move back into neutral and to give them some time to self-reflect. And so those mulligans are just so important. Use them often. Reclaim time with people. And another thing to remember is that this whole process is progress, not perfection. You won't get perfect in this, at least Right away, so make sure. And I think playing never. So make sure that your goals are appropriate, that you are just going to take the opportunity to move people along when you can. Language is important. Your staying neutral is important. So the best thing you can do is instead of trying to memorize every comeback I teach you, and it's not about the snappy comeback, but you don't have to memorize every question, or you don't have to think quick on your feet. A lot of people go sigh. I'm just not as fast as you. Well, I've had years. And years of experience. You don't have to do this perfectly. You don't have to memorize every tool I have, every question I have. Just start with a couple of the questions for self-reflection. What do you know for sure? What could you do next to add value? Or perhaps what does great look like? What would great look like in this situation? And then find a way to go be great. Maybe start with just one tool, which is our engaged action planning, so that when you're having a meeting with a group, you always go in with a tool and a plan. And you You simply memorize the tool that has 3 parts. You ask people what great would look like in their workplace in relationship to this topic at hand. And then you ask what they're willing to do personally to get that. And then what you could do as a leader to support that and make sure that there's some equity in those 3 lists. So just start with a couple of questions that you're gonna use on everyone. Just, you'll find situations that you can use it. And a tool. Because they all really lead to the same place. They all are just a simple switch of that toggle switch in the middle of everyone's forehead to get them to high self. And once people are in high self, they're back to themselves. They're back to the best part of them. It's like, welcome home. People like it there. It feels better. They naturally will stay there. That's how we evolve, is we do what works and what feels good. So another tip I would give you is to not begin with the person that is your hardest case. Don't begin with the person who's been a chronic issue for the longest time. Many people sit in our courses and they're thinking about that one person or those 3 people that nothing has worked on. And what I like to remind you is that those are folks that are better served by very honest conversation and performance management. That what I teach is coaching. And that works on the folks that are willing, the folks that are familiar with their toggle switch that are able to easily or over time become better at toggling up. So start with someone who's friendly, someone who's willing, someone who is already performing and self-reflecting and willing to do some great things. Start with some of your easier cases. And I like to have people think of when they were kids, and we were playing tag, you didn't go after the person running the farthest away from you the fastest. If you were smart in your tag playing, you went after that person that slipped on their way out of the chute, the one closest to you. And that's where I want you to start with reality-based leadership and just let people know, I would love to try something that I'm learning about that I'm using for myself and just see if it works for you. Just see if we can kind of bumble through this together, can I have permission to try something new, to teach you a new technique, to maybe take a new approach? And a lot of people are willing. And then as you get better at it, you can try it with more people. And the cool thing about it is, as they get better at it, then they can be someone who helps you toggle up when need be. One of the ways I stay neutral before I try and toggle somebody up is to have a response in hand and have a couple of things really memorized in addition to the questions, a few of them, and the tool. And a lot of times I'm not sure what to say when people come to me. And to be honest, I've had to work on a bit of a filter so that I don't say the first thing that comes to mind. And in fact, I try not to say the first 2 or 3 things that come to mind because many times I'm triggered in the low self when people come to me with an issue that, you know, we've talked about before, or we've been over 100 times, or, you know, another department's doing. I just have to get neutral myself. And so one of my favorite responses that I use all the time is, wow, good to know. And that helps me step down from jumping in and colluding and just simply getting back to neutral. Wow, good to know. This simple phrase also handles About 80% of what people bring to me, which is tattling or venting, I just go, you know, wow, good to know. And then rather than fixing or even addressing it, many times I don't need to do anything except say, good to know, and then let them know where I would like them investing their energy and directing them back to that place. So I might say, wow, good to know. I appreciate that information. Where I would like you to focus Now is on this work or this area or this goal, this process. So somebody comes to me and says, oh my gosh, Cy, have you heard what they're doing on the oncology unit? And I heard last night that they, you know, wouldn't accept 2 patients. And I'm like, oh my gosh, no, I didn't realize that. Okay, thank you. Good to know. Now what I would like you to focus on right now that I think would be really helpful is the patients we have on our unit. And so what are a couple of things that you can set for yourself as goals today to really make sure that we do a fantastic job by our patients. And that's redirecting energy. See, leaders don't manage people, they manage energy. And when you're in a meeting, you're managing energy away from why we can't and why we shouldn't have to, to how we could. And many times individually, you're managing energy away from venting, gossiping, judging, scorekeeping, low-self activities into how we can upcycle our energy and put it right back into customers, patients, outcomes, safety, results. Another thing I've learned to memorize is an exit line. See, a lot of folks tend to not get into some conversations because they're unsure about how to get out of them. They are unprepared if that conversation goes to a place where they feel they don't have The skillset or they aren't adept yet, or they don't have the right response, although there isn't ever really a right response. And so another technique I have is really just being able to know how to put any conversation on pause or how to get out of a conversation to come back and revisit it. So a couple techniques I have for that is one I learned from my own mom. She tended to be a nonjudgmental person and she She rarely told you what to do or how to live your life. You rarely heard her critiquing others. And she did have a phrase though that was interesting to me when she was bumping up against something that she wasn't thrilled about. She had this phrase where she would say, okay, well, let's keep thinking. She'd say, okay, well, um, let's keep thinking. And it was just a gentle way to put something non-urgent on Pause, and also put the person on alert that we're not there yet. We're not into the place where we can do our best work. And let's keep it on the table. Let's give ourselves some space for self-reflection, some room to find a different way through, to come up with different possibilities. And one of the funniest times I heard her use this is when I was pregnant with my third son. I had had my first son and we named him George Millard Wakeman. And my second son, we named Charles O'Leary Wakeman. And these were family names and very old kind of English names. And I think she was hoping a little bit that we wouldn't be quite so formal or so British with our third son, that we maybe would borrow names from a different part of our family. And so she asked She said, you know, Sy, what are you naming this little boy? And I excitedly said, you know, Mom, we're gonna name him Henry Albert Wakeman. And she smiled and she said, oh, she said, okay, well, honey, you're just, you're only 7 months pregnant. So let's, let's keep thinking. And I found that just an adorable way to stay out of my business, but to really have me self-reflect and hopefully have some some additional conversation about that. And so I want you to keep that close to your heart. Let's keep thinking. It's a great way to put a pause on a conversation, which then you can think about what might be another question or some more direct feedback that you can facilitate coming from a person's world, their reality, their own results, their own scorecard, so to speak. Another pause or way to get out of a conversation I learned was when I was in college and studying social work, and we were studying some techniques for group therapy. And part of that college experience was to have some real-world experience, and they worked pretty hard to get you out of your comfort zone and assign you something that would really, you know, grow you. And I often joke that I must have had a very big comfort zone because my assignment was to work With men in a prison system who had been sex offenders, and to do group with them each Tuesday night. And it was a growth experience. I was from a little town in Iowa. I had never seen the inside of a jail, let alone a prison. And just the first night I went there, when I was always with a couple of guards, and the doors, you know, made that clinking sound as they closed, and I was introduced to my group. And I remember just really being unsure of my own skill set and pretty terrified, mostly from the own stories my ego was telling me, and I was believing every single word. And to be honest, I didn't do that great of therapy because I was fearful. I kept things at kind of news, weather, and sports. I kept things pretty light. I didn't want to get into some intense topics. And when my preceptor came to observe me, he He gave me some feedback and debriefing afterwards and basically said, that really stank. You didn't do much therapy in there. And at first, he thought maybe it was some judgment I was making, because as a good therapist, it's not our role to judge you. It's our role to hopefully help you. And so he explored that a little bit. He's like, well, don't you believe that, you know, these humans have the same right to reconciliation and recovery that other people do. I said, no, no, no, it's not that. And he said, well, what is it? And I said, I am scared. And he said, well, what are you scared of? And I said, my biggest fear is I will get to a place that I don't know what to do with whatever's presented to me, that I don't have the skill set, that I'll get to a place where I'm in over my head, that somebody will say something or bring something up that I will have no idea what to do with? And is that really the time I can pull out my textbook from under my chair and look through the index? And he was such a wonderful reflective leader himself. He had given me direct feedback that my work wasn't very effective. And then we were self-reflecting, and then he apologized. He said, I'm really sorry. I think that I've left out part of your education. And I said, what? He said, I need to help you understand How to get out of situations so that you're not afraid to get into them. He said, you need a good exit line. We need for you to memorize a line that you can use to get out of any situation. And the line he gave me that I remember to this day, it is 34 years later, was, wow, you've given me a lot to think about. Why don't you and I reconvene? On this next week. Why don't you and I, when we start again next week, begin from here and come back to this? And that is such a beautiful line because it really lets people know that you heard them and that, that you're at a place that you care enough that you want to think further on a careful way forward out of respect for them and that you don't know it all. And then you say, wow, you've given me a lot to think about. And as you pause that conversation, then you can go watch a bunch of YouTubes, talk to your HR person, think about how to begin and what to try. And you can do this multiple times as you gently work through something with another. Because folks, this isn't tough love. Reality's tough. Reality-based leadership is love. We are hoping to help people wake up. And And you don't wake people up by beating them or throwing cold water on them or, you know, loud buzzers. It's probably more effective to wake people up with some gentle snooze alarms that just, you know, get someone into a bit more consciousness. And so I loved those 2 lines, and I think they're really important. Where do you start? We started about talking with the willing and have an exit line. And really using your mulligans. Another idea I have is ABC— always be coaching. And what I mean by this is what you do in your daily interactions where you're just continually inviting people to self-reflect on how they're moving through the world and how they could do that more peacefully and more effectively. Your job is just to continue to help people grow and develop and to really know their own minds better and to use better mental processes. And the best way to do this is through conversation, not confrontation. If you keep things conversational, you'll never have to really get confrontational. And what I have found is this really cool thing happens. I call it The shadow of a leader. When I look at leadership or the leadership of a single person and I want to really know their true effectiveness, I look at what I call the shadow of a leader. So how long is your shadow? If the sun is shining and you have a shadow, how long is your shadow? And what I mean by that is, are people still affected by you when you're not even close to them, when you're not there. And the cool thing about teaching people new mental processes is that eventually they start to use them on their own. These questions start to live inside of our people, and they no longer need you. So I might, when you come to tattle on your colleague, I might say, you know, gosh, what are you doing to help? And the next time you're tempted to come find me because you're so mad at your colleague and you can't take it anymore, And you just wanna vent, on the way to find me, you might just remember, like, oh my gosh, I gotta go tell Sy this. She needs to know. And she's just gonna ask me what I did to help. So I'll just skip Sy and go back in and see what I could do to help and stop judging. Or, I'm so frustrated. I gotta go find Sy. And she's just gonna ask me what great would look like. So why don't I just— Just figure out a way to go be great. See, these are things that you become then alive in other people, and it really becomes this wonderful legacy you leave with them where they can find peace and they can find this place beyond all the drama and unhappiness from which they can have the impact they were created to have on the world. So a lot of us are wanting to help people figure out their why and connect it with the mission and purpose of the organization. And that's all great, but if you're in ego, you're asking the wrong question that begins with why. You're asking, why does this happen to me? Why don't these people shape up? Instead of being able to find a place to have impact in the world, being able to find a place where you can use your why and connect it with the mission. You can only do that from— High self. Now, where most leaders get in trouble is they try and use this work, I jokingly say, for evil rather than good. They use this work with motive, like, I need to get you performing. I need to change you. And this is probably the biggest myth taught in traditional leadership methods is that I can actually change another. I can Engage another, I can motivate another, I can do all of those things. And the reality is you can't. I give the same keynote to a large group, same keynote, some leave motivated, some don't. Same keynote, motivation's a choice. I give the same keynote, some people leave inspired, some don't. Same keynote, inspiration is a choice. Engagement is a choice. And so much of us really have this egotistical belief that we can change the behavior of another. And one of the questions I get often right after I'm asked, you know, where do I begin? How do I start? What's the best place to start? And it's with your easiest, most willing, prepared to pause at any time. The next question they ask me is, you know, but seriously, how can I change a person's behavior? Who's doing this? And my question is, you cannot change another person. And the belief that you can is dysfunctional. It's codependency. We can only stop enabling others. So if you're focused on how can I change somebody, I would ask you to reflect and focus instead on how I can stop enabling another because— Usually, people that have a direct relationship with reality, they have good data, good information that we haven't corrupted through our enabling or our sugarcoating. They make better decisions. They at least have all the data available to them. And this is what I'm getting at when I say, please stop enabling. And so a lot of people don't really know what I mean by that. And so I wanna give you a couple of examples. One of my sons, when he was 15 or 16, called me one day and he's panicked. He's like, Mom, I have to have my backpack. I forgot my backpack at home. Can you please go get it? And I responded with my version of, wow, good to know, so that I would stay neutral and not jump in and enable this kid by just saying, bummer. Gosh dang, I hate that when I forget something I really needed at work and I'm at work already. Dang, that's tough. And I do that to show empathy, keep myself neutral. And then I ask, so what have you thought of? What ideas have you thought of on ways to get through your day today without your backpack? And he was like, Mom, no, seriously, can you go get it? And I said, well, not only am I not willing to do that, because I have all my stuff that I remembered at work, this is your backpack. But I'm in Washington, D.C. today. I can't possibly go get it. He said, Mom, can you send an Uber to go get my backpack? And I said, well, honey, the house is locked. He said, well, give this Uber guy the— just give him the garage code. And I just chuckled that I probably wasn't gonna pay for an Uber and give the Uber driver a garage code to get into my locked house while we're away. And I said, well, I'm not gonna do that, but I'm sure glad to help you think about how you can get through a day without your backpack? And hopefully you'll see what I'm doing as a leader. I'm empathetic, and then I'm helping provide space for them to self-reflect. And he upped the ante, and this is where a lot of leaders get emotionally blackmailed. He goes, Mom, you do not understand. If I don't have my backpack, which has my math homework in it, and if I don't turn that in today, I will have a missing assignment and I'll have to stay after school on Thursday for Thursday school. And if I have to stay after school, I— I'm going to get in trouble. I will miss practice. I won't be able to start in Saturday's game. And the reason that that really is upping the ante is it painted the picture for me. I'm sitting on the bleachers on Saturday, and it's the districts, and there's college scouts in the bleachers and a lot of parents. And imagine the conversation where they're saying, what is going on? Why isn't Wakeman starting? And And someone says, oh, well, this is the weekends that his mom asked— you know, chose to— oh, and the conversation is, oh, this is the weekend his mom chose to teach him a lesson on accountability. And that, like, public shame almost got me working harder than he was at getting his backpack. And I said, oh my gosh, honey, that would be tough. What have you thought of as far as the best way to let your coach know that? He said, Mom, I don't wanna miss practice. I go, well, let's go back then and start to think about how you can get through your day without this backpack. And my holding space popped him into a place where he came up with just a great solution I probably wouldn't have thought of. He said, Mom, this is ridiculous because from what you're saying, I'm gonna have to spend my study hall redoing my math homework so that I can get it in on And I said, you know, that sounds like just a wonderful option. I'm really proud of you that you came up with that. And it sounds like a cool thing that you have a study hall as an opportunity, that I would be really grateful about that. And my staying neutral and helping him think through that was tough because I didn't want to be that mom. But what kept me And what got me in that ballgame is I knew this wasn't a skill issue. See, I knew this wasn't a human mistake. We give those kind of passes in our family once in a while. This was not a skill issue. This child had never, ever, ever forgotten his cell phone at home. He had a great memory. But I tell you what, he didn't forget his backpack going forward because he got some great information. From reality about what it's like in study hall redoing your math homework when you forget your backpack, and that information helped him make better choices. So it's not that you don't support your people or you leave them high and dry, but I'm just asking you to push the envelope just a little bit in giving them space for self-reflection. So my hope is this helps I hope that helps to answer parts of your question with, how do I get started? Nope, you're not me. You won't have the funny comeback that you hear from me in a keynote. You won't have the clever, immediate response, and you don't need it. Because sometimes those clever, immediate responses aren't that effective. They aren't as filled with empathy as we would like them to be. You're being human when While you move through this is a great role model of how to stay in the ballgame and focus on yourself and lead others to self-reflection. So memorize just 1 or 2 questions, commit to using those often with the most willing until you get a bit more experience, and then start setting goals for yourself about the next thing you're going to try. And some of those really courageous, bodacious goals come From what you screwed up today, where you stepped down rather than stepped up from your own self-reflection. So I would love to hear about your brave moments. There's no return on investment when you just enjoy my keynote or when you simply love the training that we provide. It's not just knowing it, it's really being willing to To use some managerial courage and move bravely through the world. So what I would ask of you is that you try at least one of these questions I give you for self-reflection on somebody willing today. Do it today. And get online, get to us on Facebook or YouTube or— LinkedIn. Instagram or Twitter. Get to us and let us know what brave thing you did and how it worked out. If you're not yet enjoying my show Life's Messy Live Happy, it's a Facebook Watch show. It's also on our YouTube channel backslash Thy Wakeman. If you're not enjoying it, you're missing out because I take questions from you, our listeners, and I answer those questions on. tape. And there's a whole library building out there with the new format of this show of great questions, commonly asked questions, and in specific situations where people want some more advice about. So we would love for you to join us there. And if you're loving this podcast, we always love reviews, and we love you introducing this podcast to others. So your assignment? Share it. So my encouragement is jump in today and try one of these techniques that you've been hearing about. And I think you'll get very excited. This isn't about perfection, it's just about progress. And any minute that used to be spent in drama that you can recapture, upcycle, and put into fulfilling the mission of your organization is a win. So keep ditching the drama and stay tuned. I have a Amazing guests coming your way. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman.