S2E13: Thanksgiving Reflections

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. Welcome, listeners, to another episode of the No Ego Podcast. This week is a designated holiday in our nation, the United States. It's the holiday of Thanksgiving, and I'm looking so forward to having all 8 of our sons home. And so many of my family members around the table. And I wanna start out by saying, for all of us, that while some folks celebrate the origins of this holiday, there's whole other groups that actually mourn on this holiday and remember and have a very different story about the holiday than the one we were traditionally taught in school. So I want to acknowledge that. And for myself, what this holiday means means is less about the origins of the holiday and instead a great time where my family has traditionally gotten together and shared great stories, the positive stories. Stories are what remains, it seems, after the memories have faded. And I really look forward to seeing everyone and our story sharing. So I thought I would talk about the obvious topic that we might be considering this time of year, which is Thankfulness and gratitude. Like any virtue that we're trying to cultivate or any skill we're trying to grow so that we can use it as we walk through the world more peacefully, many of us start in the cultivation of gratitude or thankfulness at a beginner's level, at the place that we are. I always say when people ask me where to begin, begin from right where you are. And so I wanna talk today about how thankfulness and gratitude perhaps evolves for many of us as we walk this no-ego journey. You know, in the beginning, gratitude and the development of gratitude is really an exercise in mental flexibility. We're hardwired and many times socialized to look at the world with fear, look at the world out of ego, where we're seeing danger or insult perhaps where there isn't any. So one place that many of us need to begin when it comes to gratitude and cultivating thankfulness, where we can eventually grow to be full of thanks, is simply by doing a better job of seeing our reality for what it really is. And what it really is is never really as harsh as it seems. So it seems that perhaps some of us have gotten dull-eyed, we've gotten a bit vision impaired when it comes to seeing the good in our lives and the good in the world. So a place that many people really start is at this beginning where you simply need to really practice up finding good and naming it and initially at least claiming it. Not that you created it, but that there's plenty of it in your lives. And as you do this, as you practice by perhaps making a gratitude list of 10 things you're grateful for each and every day, you will start to exercise some parts of your seeing, your viewpoint, where you're tuning them in, you're honing them in to see so much of the goodness that You might be missing on a daily basis. I was part of a family gathering in college, and I had gone home with a boyfriend at the time, and his family had this super cool tradition. I'm not sure exactly how they did it, but with some type of natural process of eggs and other things in your kitchen, they had written on a piece of paper things that they were grateful for. The parents had. And They showed us at the table all the things they were grateful for, but this paper looked completely blank. At that point, you couldn't see the ink. And then they had candles at the table, and without burning the paper, they held the paper close to the candles. And for whatever needed to happen in this chemical reaction, that some part of the solution they had put on burned away, you could all of a sudden, through the heat, see this list that looked Kind of like brown scratching of all the things they were grateful for. And at the end of the dinner, they hung that on their refrigerator until their next holiday. And the reflection around the table was around, you know, what's the perhaps meaning of having all these things grateful written on a piece of paper, but not being able to really see it until that heat from the candle? And of course, there were some of the obvious pieces that many times we Have things to be grateful for right in front of us, but we don't see them because of our own viewpoints. And then there are some other really beautiful reflections that people brought to the table that in times of heat or fire or trial, we get pretty centered around being grateful for even the most common things that normally are out of sight. And this new act of identifying what we're grateful for in our lives is an important one. It gets us to see things more clearly. It gets us to learn And exercise that part of the brain to see the positive. For me, in the beginning, it really helped me remember what I was grateful about so that I could call it by name and then hopefully appreciate it. And appreciate, to me, is really raising the value of what's important to me. And so how can I interact with the things I'm grateful for and the things that— and the people and the behavior and all of that that I appreciate in a way that would raise its value? How could it— rather than passively, I Just be grateful it came into my life. I could touch it and share it and pass it on and pay it forward and have the giver be better off as well for the giving. And that's really a great place to start, especially for some of us that have been knocked off our center, that are seeing the world through story and ego a little bit more than we would like, that just really haven't gotten to the next place of evolution. But what I want you to Think about as you're in that place of counting your blessings around the table is that it still is full of judgment. See, we tend to identify and be grateful for the things we like, the things we prefer, whether it even be like the weather that is our ego's preference. And we tend to judge good or bad. And in that way, being grateful, while it's the first wonderful step, is externally focused. And it has a lot to do with our circumstances. And if our circumstances we feel are in our favor. And even when they aren't in our favor, when we find tiny things to be grateful for, we're basically saying there's just a little bit of good left that we should focus on. And I believe that part of moving beyond ego to that really wonderful field I talk about, out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, that really great place where joy and thankfulness is just really our natural state, it's how we move through the world, that the way to get there is to move A bit beyond gratitude for what we like and that external judgment and into a place where we can really see everything that comes into our lives full of thanks without the judgment. Before I talk about that, though, what I have found out is that when I am more grateful, when I am more thankful, I also move into a place of more humility because I start to realize that so much So much of what I'm grateful for or thankful for, I didn't create. It wasn't about I, the ego. It came into my life many times so undeserved, just a birthright because of where I was born or who my parents were, what my color of my skin was. And even beyond that, just it came into my life undeserved from this incredible abundant place. And the more grateful I get, the more I realize that so much that I'm grateful for was mine Just for the taking, was mine just by saying the words, yes, just by being willing to receive it. And as I started to realize how much came into my life in spite of me, kind of, but for the grace of God, go I, as my dad used to say, I started to then realize that other people deserve the same. And it opened up some compassion in me where— I'm not using my gratitude today to claim something I did or I created. I'm really using my thankfulness and gratitude to acknowledge how much, one, the world abundantly has given me and how much came to me, you know, through privilege and generosity of others. And as I became more grateful, I've become more compassionate and I've become more willing to see that other people also need access and they don't have to deserve it or work for it, that there are just some basic rights that they really, I think, deserve as well. And this Sunday when we were at a church service, I absolutely loved the— I guess you'd call it the sermon of the pastor. And originally she started with a very traditional Thanksgiving story about these, you know, wonderful Pilgrims and fighting for religious freedom and coming to this country and this idyllic banquet that happened and how, you know, there are these peaceful, wonderful celebrations between the First Nations and the Pilgrims. And as she was telling the story, I think she intended for us to get a little owly. I definitely was getting owly, knowing some of the other stories that Other people come to the table with about what really happened back in the 1600s. And then she did this exquisite job of telling the story from a couple other perspectives, from the First Nation perspective. And I think as we get open to our own gratitude, and as we acknowledge that so much of this did not come our way because of us, and that we deserved it or worked for it, but came our way because we're part of the story that was— Amplified by power and wealth, and really the story that's been told the most in school because it's the story of the people that are able to amplify their voice. My hope, and I think it's a great thing when it comes to gratitude, is that you really practice getting your mind blown by learning a few other stories, by really listening to the stories of others and what they bring to the table, especially about this holiday. And the only way back to what I call beginner's mind, which is where I know very little, but I'm confident together we can do great things, is to get my mind blown. And I was so grateful for learning more about the Native American perspective on the day. And it really reminded me that while some of us celebrate this day, that there are many other nations that are— Grieving. Looking to bring some light to some truth, and that they're mourning this day, that it really was a time where their worlds changed. And even before that, they had lost so, so many of their people from the things that other populations brought to the New World. And a great place that I found some information, Ed Fallon, Yeah. Ed Fallon is an old Iowa connection, and he really tends to highlight some stories that blow my mind, and I'm grateful for him. So check him out, Ed Fallon. But he highlighted a truth-giving, truth-giving that's going on, I believe, in Iowa right now. And a place to get just some additional information— and I haven't vetted this, I'm just, I'm not promoting, I'm just introducing all of us— is see the seedingsovereignty.org. That's seedingsovereignty.org. To just take a look at a different way of that story, because I think that if we're able to really grow from our gratitude, which is just counting our blessings, it actually will lead us into some humility about how much has come into our life unasked for, and perhaps how we've been part of limiting the abundance Of this world from meeting some of our other fellow kind of walkers on this planet. For me, moving beyond the gratitude and thankfulness where I'm just counting my blessings is this transition where instead of counting my blessings, I'm willing to count everything as a blessing. Instead of counting what I like, I'm counting everything. So I realized that I've gotten a lot of wonderful— enrichment in my life simply by saying yes. I've had to practice saying thanks, not just for what I liked, but trying to say thanks for everything. And a big teacher of mine, Byron Katie, really has taught me a lot about loving what is. And my mom also taught me about loving what is. She used to say, it's all good in the end. Or it's not the end. And I was always so grateful for that because I, in my ego and my fear, would get so pinpointed on this data point and this moment in time. And I would forget that everything happens for our highest good. And even in what I name good, there can be some real risks and things that I might label— Pain. Bad. And things I label bad, so many times good came of it. There's so many TED Talks out there that talk about this worst point in my life that turned out to be the biggest turning point ever. It's kind of that yin and yang symbol where there's not only good and bad, but there's also within good and bad, good and bad, and it kind of bleeds into one another. And so as you're becoming more thankful and you're starting to be willing to say thanks to Everything, and I mean everything, really having a sense of perspective that this is a point in time, having a sense of, I don't know what this is, but I'm willing to embrace it and love everything that comes my way. And combining that with some faith and hope that you believe life is good and the universe is kind really starts to change some things for us. And A long time ago, I was told a story, and I looked to see the attribute for it, and I've just kind of really found out it might just be kind of a Buddhist story. But it really brings this to light. And I believe that a lot— if you want to Google it, it's probably titled The Farmer's Son. But the story goes like this. One day in late summer, an old farmer was working in in his field with his old sick horse. And the farmer felt compassion for the horse and desired to lift its burden and take its load for a while. So he left his horse loose to go to the mountains and live out the rest of his life, and he would pull the plow himself. And so, as they will do, the neighbors came by from a nearby village and said, we are so sorry. They were offering their condolences and said, what a shame, your only horse is gone. How How unfortunate you are. You must be so sad. How will you live and work the lands and prosper? And the farmer replied, Who knows? We shall see. Good, bad, who knows? A couple of days later, the horse came back, now rejuvenated after meandering in the mountainside while eating all the wild grasses. And he came back with 12 new, younger, kind of feral but healthy horses, which followed the old horse into the corral. And word got out in the village, and people came by and started to congratulate him on his good fortune. And they stopped and told him, my goodness, how fortunate you are. You must be so happy. And again, the farmer softly said, who knows? We shall see. Good or bad, who knows? At daybreak on the next morning, the farmer's only son set off to attempt to train one of the new wild horses, but the father's Son, the farmer's son, was thrown to the ground and broke his leg. One by one, the villagers again arrived to narrate on this story and bemoan the farmer's latest misfortune. Oh my gosh, what a tragedy! Your son won't be able to help you on the farm with a broken leg. You're gonna have to do all the work yourself. How will you survive? You must be so sad, they said calmly. Going about his business, the farmer just answered, Who knows? We shall see. Good or bad, How would I know? Several days later, a war breaks out and the emperor's men arrive in the village demanding that all young men who are healthy enough come with them to be part of the army and to go fight the war. And as it happened, the farmer's son was deemed unfit because of his broken leg. What very good fortune you have! cried all the neighbors as their own sons were marched away. You must be happy! And the farmer replied, who knows? We shall see, as he headed off to work in the field alone. As time went by, the son heals. He's got a slight limp. And again, the neighbors come to pay their condolences. Oh, what bad luck. So bad for you. But the farmer replied, who knows? We shall see. Because it turned out that so many other young boys died in the war, and the farmer and the son were the only able-bodied men capable of working the village lands. And the old farmer actually became wealthy and was thankfully very generous. To the villagers. And they said, oh, how fortunate we are. You must be very happy. And to which the farmer replied, who knows? We shall see. And the story could go on and on and on. But I love this story. Whenever I would think things were as bad as they could get, or things weren't going well, or— my mom would say to me, it's all good in the end, or it's not the end. And it reminds me of this story. And And how often we go through life, if we go on the roller coaster of believing our thinking and listening to our thinking, we will go up and down with how horrible and how wonderful and how horrible and how wonderful. And we will just consume all of this energy. And instead, we could go through life a bit more zen, I guess, to call it from a Buddhist story, where we can see everything from this, that wonderful knowing that all is good and all is more than just a single data point, a single story. Thanksgiving isn't just a story of Pilgrims or a story of Natives. It's a story of individuals and how they experienced all of that. That the more we can bring in many, many data points and perspective and history and vision, the more we can understand the more we really don't know, and that our best approach is to just Just maybe be thankful for all of it. And I think it's so important because many times our ego just loves this either/or. Is it good or is it bad? I want to know. And that dichotomy where we label experiences good or bad is kind of a false one. Good and bad in my life has been pretty fluid. Um, I don't know what's good, what's bad. That's my judgment. It's my ego just preferring something. I know that many times it's It's a really mixed bag. And so this way of life isn't an unengaged life. It's not dropping out or being passive. It's just acknowledging that if I can see things for what they really are, what I know for sure, and look towards what I could do to help, I can conserve my energy and stay away from that grip the ego can have on my thinking, where I'm believing everything I'm thinking and, and burning a lot of calories, that I can really conserve my energy to then add what I know will be helpful. And that's That's not control or motive. That's not helpful. What I know always to be helpful is kindness, understanding, listening, seeking to know more about things from the other person's experiences, just acknowledgement that I'm not in charge of all of that, that I need to move through the world without expectations, but instead with great expectancy. And that leads Which leads me to thinking about how to get on the other side of good and bad. And if I can do that, I'm gonna have a deeper understanding not only of how the world works, I'm gonna be calmer in stress, I'm gonna be more open and hopefully much more generous. And so this Thanksgiving, for myself, I am renewing my commitment to say yes to what comes into my life and to be thankful for All of it. Greet every single thing with a thanks. And to really be able to see everything for the miracle that it is, it's a pretty high order. But I really would like to have this new view to just really be open and willing to experience what's coming my way and to not shy away from experiences with my prejudgment of this is bad. Because what I'm finding in my life is when I do that, the experiences keep coming and I keep getting stuck and revisiting some pretty painful places when I believe my own thinking and I prejudge and I pre-suffer and post-suffer. And again, reality is just never as harsh as we imagine it to be. And so I really wanna go there. I wanna be thankful for all of it. And to me, thankful is a consciousness of the benefit received. Mm-hmm. Even if I don't see it in every single moment. And knowing that anything other than gratitude is a tantrum. Anything other than gratitude, anything other than saying thanks for what's in my life is a tantrum of the ego. It's just a different form of venting about what I don't like. And as I move beyond ego and hopefully out of that identity, I can get beyond And the world needing my approval. I mean, who needs God or whatever you believe in when you have me? Because everybody should just do what I say. And I heard recently at a meeting that ego was E-G-O, just edging God out. And I was so grateful for that because I really want to walk that there's a fundamental trust I have that we have a friendly universe that's working for our highest good. Mm-hmm. To know that my greatest freedom in life is that moment by moment, I get to choose my own thoughts. Every single moment, I have the choice between saying yes or no, between feeling victimized or taking responsibility, and between complaint and gratitude. And this really just isn't something I wanna do as a way of positive thinking. It's— It's bigger than that. I hope it will bring me to see things more clearly and experience things more deeply, fearlessly. Go there. Go there and get what I came for. And I don't want to be labeling things good or bad and only listing on my gratitude list the things I like. I think it reinforces my own ego. I want to just be able to, if I make a gratitude list, to list everything. I also— This season, want to really breathe in gratitude, hopefully in every moment. And I think that there's this natural inhale-exhale process that happens if you can get to this point. You breathe in gratitude and then you breathe out generosity. And generosity, that exhale, as I breathe in gratitude and I realize how wonderful my life is, undeserved from me, I can breathe out generosity. I can not only give of my time and money, But I can pass the microphone to others to hear their story. I can give my time and presence. I can give kindness. I can give benefit of the doubt, tolerance, mercy. I can really help us all understand that we're all defective in some pretty big ways, and we're also pretty perfect in some pretty big ways. And maybe those are exactly the same thing. So as we go into this week, be open, Listen to everybody's story. Question your own thinking. Don't label what's good or bad. Seek to be thankful for all of it. And I have one more goal in my life. I'm really hoping that when people are making their lists of gratitude, that there is something I have done or some way I have interacted with them personally, not from an ego place, something that in an inspired moment I was able to be present. For them that somewhere, hopefully not from an ego standpoint, but a connection with what I brought to the table has added to their life to the point where they consider it something to be grateful for and to continue to pass on. So I wish for you a Thanksgiving, whether it be a wonderful one, a blessed one, a Peaceful one. Don't wanna put any labels on it, but a Thanksgiving that you celebrate in your own way, whether it's celebrating, hugging, mourning missing loved ones, all of it, all of it. I wish you a complete and total Thanksgiving. I would love to hear from you how you perceive gratefulness. What is your idea of thankfulness and what are some of your ways to continue to open your mind up so that you're able to say thanks to all of it. Have a good week. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your workplace. I'm Sy Wakeman.