Understanding and Dealing with Anxiety

This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama, end entitlement, and transform your world place. I'm Sy Wakeman. I'm going to start with one topic I want to at least mention today is anxiety, because most of us blow right past anxiety into behaviors That feel justified and productive and over-functioning that we just don't even realize not only how much anxiety we walk with, but how much anxiety we deny and how our ego really uses that fear to get us into places we don't need to go, to feel responsible to work we don't need to feel responsible to, and to under-function or over-function. So a question to start out with is, What have you noticed about anxiety in your life as you have been part on the planet of this world health crisis? What have you noticed about your anxiety? What have you noticed as you— do you notice anxiety high, low? Is it just something you're comfortable with and moving forward anyway? Do you find you might get into some behaviors or habits Um, because so many times we look to change the behavior, but if we don't notice the anxiety underneath of it, we are a little helpless once we get into that fear-based and we're toggled down and the ego is in charge. We need to go back a little bit to start recognizing anxiety and really make friends with anxiety, or make friends with anxiety-producing events by exposure, by Stillness by those types of things. But our anxiety gives us some really good information. And so I really want you to notice what's energy building, what's energy depleting, what is anxiety-inducing. Doesn't mean just because it's anxiety-inducing that you have to go, oh my gosh, I can never get on Facebook again. Sometimes it's getting on Facebook, and when you start to feel the anxiety, just thinking, what story am I telling myself? What am I believing right now? Um, and is that true? I mean, it may just be a call to use some of your toggle-up tools, your ego bypass tools, to get through that anxiety. So there are times when I set for the day what my dedications are, and if there are some, um, you know, due dates I want to meet and steps to goals I want to achieve. When those are there, sometimes all of a sudden I'll feel like an anxiety. It's like 8 o'clock and there's like So much on the docket, and I just have to get logical for a minute with the anxiety and say, well, wait a minute, no one's expecting this at 8:15. This is actually something that any time today would be appropriate. Like, having to sort it out logically and unbundle things. I find that I have anxiety that comes up when I bundle a bunch of things together, and it just looks like, you know, this major urgency that I attached, no one else did. And when I unbundle it, I can just really see where I can take action and have impact. And so I love that you guys are noticing this. There is a lot of anxiety. Part of bringing this up is when people are talking about opening up the country and returning back to work in an open environment. It has raised some additional levels of anxiety for some folks. And so that definitely, if you're leading others, if you're part of a team, and we'll get back to Matthew as far as in healthcare that they've just been on, you know, kind of high-stress major cocktails of cortisol, like how do we help with that? But definitely there's lots of anxiety about returning to that. Open office and what we know and what we don't know. Your brain and more parts of your body are really soothed by— or I don't want to use the word self-soothing— cared for by routine habit discipline. And it's so important when you think about anxiety because your body just really remembers, like, oh, it's 4 o'clock, we're out walking. Huh, that's a familiar thing. So when we're in the land of unfamiliar, anything you can create that can be recognized time after time, day after day, by your mind or by your body— even the body has muscle memory. And so some of us that don't change our workout routines, if we really want to change our body, um, it gets so familiar that our body, that muscle memory, starts to, you know, work against us. But a lot of times when you see elite athletes It's because they don't have to be so conscious about what they're doing. They can move into that zone because they have more muscle memory. And being in the zone is toggled up and in brain coherence, where toggled down in that fear and anxiety is when things are unrecognizable and when the ego can mistake things that we don't recognize for danger, which the ego is wired. If I don't recognize it, we categorize it at danger until proven otherwise. Proven otherwise. So routine is, is really important. Okay, well, let's say tackle anxiety right now, and then we'll get into some of these other great questions. Okay. Anxiety is at first a feeling. Okay, like everything starts. But we've talked about that feelings can become thinking, or we can start living our feelings. So where it goes from being a feeling To dictating our behaviors, to us co-creating that, to us paying too much attention to, to us starting to move away from reality and really focus in on some unquestioned, whether it be thinking or information. So all anxiety comes in initially as a feeling, and the base of that feeling is fear. And Feelings, the name kind of implies what to do with them, should be felt, right? So if you have a feeling, the more you try and deny it, the more you try and stuff it, the more you try and ignore it, they're weird. They will come out somewhere. So just cut to the chase. First thing you got to get good at is having a willingness to just feel what you feel. Now, Pain or a feeling, and not all feelings are pain, right? There's joy, happiness, you know, sometimes even sadness isn't horrible because it's remembering something beautiful about somebody and then remembering you don't have that person, and it can be bittersweet. Like, so when you have a feeling, your mind wants to label it good or bad. Your mind wants to assign it to somebody responsible and blame. Your mind wants to create a story to keep the feeling alive, so it gives you something to vent about and be a victim of. Your ego really looks towards feelings to grab onto and be fuel. So instead of thinking them or living them, pain, which is maybe the instance of a feeling if it, you know, hurts in the way you identify as pain, only becomes suffering with your agreement. Okay, so pain happens, right? And there's visceral pain, like with Sheila losing, you know, a partner, or, you know, That's visceral pain. The suffering is when we extend it through creating a home for it, agreeing with the story around it. A lot of times venting is keeping the feeling alive, where sharing a feeling is to dissipate it. So you have a feeling, what's the best thing to do? Sit with it, feel it, explore it, breathe into it, apply Apply compassion to it. Let it stay as long as it stays. Like, don't fight it, but also don't feed it, right? You know, so if I'm feeling sad, I need to feel sad about, you know, what's happening. Or sometimes you just don't know why you're feeling sad or melancholy. Acknowledge it, but then don't scan the environment for things to pile onto it about how sad the world is and how sad our kids' futures are and how sad— You know, even though I don't have a graduate, it's so sad for the graduates. That's that keeping it alive by agreeing or participating. So feelings, feel them. Anxiety is when the ego grabs a hold of that. And the ego loves certainty over accuracy. So the ego can be like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling anxious. So I'm certain there's danger out there. I'm certain that this is all going to end poorly. I'm certain that the future won't be I'm certain that I was a victim in the past. Like, the ego just starts assigning story and certainty and I know and just more distance from reality or the facts. So one thing to move through anxiety is to notice it and then do what some people had talked about where it's like, I have to really go in and go, wait a minute, let's unbundle this. Like, what's real? And so those tools I've given you, like edit your story, question your thinking, what do I know for sure? What do I not know? And when I say, what do I know for sure, it's not just my— the facts about the situation. But what do I know for sure is I've been a great survivor up until now in my life, that even my worst days I've handled and lived through. I have a good network. I have people that care about me. So you have to offset the certainty of the ego with, you know, everyone will fail me, every relationship I've had has ever failed— has always failed. Like, You have to offset that with accuracy, not just about the given situation, but about what you believe, what you know for sure, what you choose to believe, what— so you have to get that perspective. And that's why I talked about coming close. For today, I have what I need. That's accuracy. Given the big picture, I am sure that if None of us meet our goals. Our goals will be altered, you know, for our compensation, like, going forward. Like, I'm gonna give benefit of the doubt. Your behaviors, your mental processes add accuracy into the picture. So that's the first thing when it comes to anxiety is really bumping up against the ego who wants to grab onto it and just Use it to justify very bad behavior. Because when you have anxiety that is unidentified or unquestioned, the ego, right before it kind of blitzkriegs, the ego identifies a justification in your anxiety why you have to. So let's say you have fed your body healthy food and you get on the scale and your expectation was you would have lost 5 pounds by now. And it shows that you haven't lost any. Anxiety comes where this will never work. Everything I've done doesn't make a difference. That comes right before the ego goes, screw it, I'm gonna go eat the fridge. I'm certain that it doesn't work and I'm the victim here, and I better eat while I can because I may not be able to. So I want you to notice what happens when you start to feel the anxiety. If you aren't doing something in the moment to identify it. Mm-hmm. and work with it, you will start to have fear-based, ego-based behaviors. You'll have toggled down. And to me, fear is the first sign of forgetting. So there's some things I believe to be true. We are not separate. We are all taken care of by a wonderful universe, source, God. These are just my beliefs. That in general, people are kind and care about me. And if I needed to. I could get what I needed. And the ego— fear for me is the first sign of forgetting all of that, forgetting what's real, forgetting perspective. So I pay attention when I'm feeling fear or anxiety. Now, how do you— in the moment, that's one thing, right, to use our tools. How do you generally, um, Make sure that anxiety doesn't have fertile ground in your life. Now, I'm not talking about— for some of us, we have some chemicals on overdrive. So for some of us, we have some longer-term work we're doing with anxiety. So for some of you, it may be that it's a longer-term piece, that you're supplementing your work with some medication. All of that is Fine. I'm talking for a lot of us to use this world health crisis to get in touch with how often we really are anxious and how often that anxiety we use to justify over-functioning or micromanaging or blitzkrieging or moving through life unconsciously or unaware or moving through life in low self rather than high self, because this is really a good time to have this So what helps generally having the ability to feel fear, move through it, and not have it become kind of generalized anxiety? Rituals, habits, structure— super important. Even in uncertain times, creating some familiar things. And it can be as simple as Simple as— I've noticed that I did this and I didn't know why, but I reinstated it. When I would walk into my home after I traveled for like a week, or if I would walk in from the work day, if I was working in the Omaha area, the first thing I would do is I would take off my shoes, light a candle on my kitchen And go in and change my clothes. And I wasn't even really aware of that. That was just like how I just walked in the door and did that. Now, because I've always— my workday has always not been time clocked. So I may be traveling when you guys are working. I may need to get something out or ready for the next day, and I may find the energy to do that at 9 o'clock at night. But what I realized I was doing with that ritual is I was just denoting that, except for exceptions, I am transitioning from day to night. I am transitioning from mentally off the clock to some relaxation, to some presence, to some enjoying. And so for me, I— really, and candles aren't easy to find here, but I found some candles that one would light for novenas or in honor of the Virgin Mary Guadalupe. And so it's like, I've just noticed that as everything winds down for the day, even though I'm living in one room basically, I walk over and I started lighting that candle. And then I kind of go in to change my clothes. Mm-hmm. Like Sheila said, I too go for an evening walk. I'm with the sunset. I switch over to listening to music or a podcast I really enjoy. I come back in. I like— so those types of things where you can not only have rituals, but consistent rituals where you don't have to think consciously about it, but the body just recognizes. And again, you don't have to get into, I'm going to schedule myself to death and I'm going to spend 20 minutes learning another language and 20 minutes on this. It can be something that just is a— about this time, this is helpful. And where you start to get into a new routine. And what a lot of us do is we suspend routine and ritual and habit and in the chaos, and then we just go, you know what, when things get back to normal, I'll start that stuff again. But here's where you can have impact in your environment. Is find out what your new rituals and habits and stuff are. So those of us that were meditators before this happened, we're kind of like, oh my gosh, this is why we practice. We, we were more prepared than some in this way coming into a pandemic. And so I've paid a lot more attention to rituals and habits and really playing with ones that really help keep anxiety at bay and ones that don't. So we need the— The ones that are like break glass in case of emergency and grab out in the moment. But we need a whole bunch of— I shouldn't say a whole bunch. We need however many we need to kind of keep us going in the moment. And so for me, it's been those intentions around movement. For me, it impacts my anxiety. Meditation. Change of scenery. And, um, contact and reaching out. So I also noticed that when I would have a whole list set up of people saying, hey, Sai, I thought about you today, why don't you reach out? My people-pleasing lack of boundaries, I'm like, oh my gosh, I start to feel so anxious. I have like 100 people to reach out to today. And then, you know, if I don't reach out, like, are they going to think I'm a snob? And my phone's not working that great, so it's a huge hassle to try and do cellular and, uh, And I noticed the anxiety, and it's like, you know what? You can set some boundaries. You can choose not to reach out, or you can put out a more general message, or tell people you love them for checking in with you, and everything's good. And like anxiety too has a lot to do with the boundaries you're setting, because if you don't trust you, it will create anxiety. Like I can't count on the person that I'm living inside of to make sure that we. aren't up watching TV till 2 in the morning when we have to be up at 6. So also part of anxiety is establishing self-trust, that you can trust that you set intentions and humanly you'll miss some, but that you can trust yourself as you move through the world, that when you do screw up or not live up, that you can really whittle that back down. Another source of anxiety is that you haven't simplified. You still have a lot of shoulds and have-tos. You still are doing a lot of things you haven't examined on whether they're useful, they're mandatory. Really, you need that standard that high? There's— anxiety can give you an indication that there's unconscious things that you're not addressing in your life, that there's conversations either you aren't having or there's compassion you're not giving or there's something you're not letting go of. Another big source of anxiety is to take a look at or a tool What you need to let go of, right? Do I need to let go of appearing like I have, you know, my poop together? I've cut, you know, it all together. Do I need to let go of, um, you know, whatever it could be? Like, I am a big person on how the front of my house looks, and I have these beautiful planters, and I'm quite the style setter. Like, I have new and unique and amazing things. I just need to remind my neighbors In the spring that I got style. Like, if you— I want you curious about how cool my house is on the inside. Like, I'm a home and garden girl. It's so funny, but I just had this anxiety when Mother's Day came and went. You would think it would be about my lovely children, but they called me and we FaceTimed. My anxiety was I should be out getting my plants, and now my house is not going to look good for the summer. And And you would think this was because I wanted to enjoy my plants, but I'm not there very often, and it's a big pain in the butt for other people to have to water. But I had to let go of my need for my neighbors to— what they think about my house and what they think about how I keep my lawn. I had to let go of that little thing. So if you're experiencing some anxiety, you might have to look at things you need to let go of, because a lot of times ongoing anxiety is when we have standards set we can't meet or we're not letting go of things that are no longer serving us. And so that fear base is coming from how you're setting yourself up for failure. So the last thing I want to say about anxiety until I get to your questions is over-functioning, under-functioning. You probably do both. But Brené Brown talks about this a lot. It's a social worker thing. When people are stressed, they tend to have a preference. Some of us over-function, some of us under-function, some of us are very talented. We can do one or the other. What's that look like? Under-functioning is procrastination. I know I should check in, but I just don't feel like it today. I know I should go out for a walk, but golly dang it, I just— I'm going to scroll through Facebook. Under-functioning is when people are saying, you know, let's do some goal setting on Zoom. They under-function because they don't speak up. They just get really quiet. They, they wait. One of the questions was they wait to be told. That is a stress behavior sometimes where people under-function. Oh, and under-functioners are so relieved when they find over-functioners because over-functioners, even though they hate it and they feel They end up as martyrs. Over-functioners are the ones who ask a question, and when there's no answer, they can't stand silence. So they like answer the question they just asked. They overtalk. They, um, they micromanage. They jump in. Their anxiety is like, okay, I asked you a question, you didn't know the answer, so now here's the answer I wanted. So now I have to judge you and think you're not capable. And so now I'm gonna just take that back and do it myself. And And over-functioners with anxiety are those leaders who are like, they're the only ones reaching out, they're the only ones having contact with their employees. Instead of sharing that accountability, over-functioners step in and do way too much. They control, they jump to conclusions, they co-create kind of some tough situations. They tend to try and impose their standards on others. They aren't allowing space for people to step out of under-functioning and step up. They jump in and fill that space, and they reinforce people's mindsets that you're not capable, you're not good at this. So just notice when you are anxious what your stress behavior is, whether it's under-functioning or over-functioning. And so that's what I want to say about anxiety. It's not the end-all course in anxiety, but notice what's happening. A lot of people are getting anxious now, are like abandoning ship. They've just decided that the world health crisis is over. And I'm saying individuals, I'm not making any political statement. But they're like, oh my God, I've been inside for 2 months, and so I will decide the danger's over, and it's confirmation bias, and I just need to get out there. Like, that's how people are dealing with stress where they're just deciding, um, that they're going to kind of give in now, or they want some type of relief. And under-functioning, over-functioning, anxiety— you got to get out of that and go, you know what, I'm going to practice right now my tolerance for uncertainty. I'm going to sit with this and practice having a relationship with stillness. I'm going to enhance my capacity. To just be still, to not know. I'm going to practice moving through not knowing. So those are some of my techniques. And I'm going to go back now to Matthew. What did you see, Matthew? You are amazing in this. So Matthew is saying healthcare. So I'm just going to— Now let's talk about burnout in healthcare. So we have asked a lot of people to do a lot of things. But people who burn out first are the ones who believe that their energy level and their level of burnout is really related to their circumstances and their environment instead of their response to those circumstances. So it's just kind of the same that people believe happiness is correlated To circumstances when the research would tell us happiness is correlated to the amount of accountability one takes for one's circumstances. So burnout, reported levels of burnout, when we look behind that and say, what mental processes were you using? We find that people who burn out quickly weren't using some of the better mental processes. They don't know how their mind works and they don't know how— reality works. We also find that people who were burnt out were in some ways abandoned and not served by the organization or the leader. But we also find that people that burned out or report burnout also stepped down and didn't keep their skill set updated and didn't use a different approach. They became kind of really like lazy engagers, so they underfunction. The same dynamic. And so one of the things that, um, is happening with people and their anxieties as a leader is you need to continue before you even have access to call people up to greatness. You need to tend to the person first. So if somebody is coming and they're like, I, you know, I'm freaking out The first thing you do is let's do some basic calm down stuff together. Let's take some deep breaths. I'll do it with you. I want you to know I care about you. I slow my speech down. I get really present. I'm like, have a seat. Share with me. I'm going to be curious for a while. Share with me, you know, what's happening? What are you feeling? What's that like for you? Thank you. And not move into trying to fix it. Then move into reflection. So in the past, what's helped when you are, are like this? And it's walking people through getting back in their bodies, number one, because when you're anxious, you're completely out of your body. You're out into the unknown, the mystery. So get people back in their bodies. You do that by getting back in yourself. Sit with them. Stretch the moment. Get back in. Don't try and do this in a group setting. People will bond together and think you're crazy. Get back together. And this doesn't have to take hours, Matthew. This is like in-the-moment hallway. I might even say, if it's safe, you know, like, I'm, you know, I want you to see my eyes. I'm making eye contact with you. So I'm going to lift my shield up, like, if it's safe. Like, I want to connect with you and notice. I want you to know I'm here for you. And then ask people to self-intervene. Breathe. Come back into what we know for sure right now. Let's get out of the future. So for right now, come close in. What do you need right now? What is it that you need? Well, you don't understand. And like last Tuesday and next Thursday, and there's people on the schedule. And it's like, really, to be helpful, let's start with, Coming close in. Right now, what's happening? Well, I have a patient that needs, you know, would like— Perfect. Is it something that we can respond to? Is it a need or a want? It's a want? Okay. Is it something we can respond to? Well, we could if only these people would— What do you need? Let's get that need met. Let's call them directly, ask them for what we need. So in times where people have anxiety, don't attack the person. Care for the person, but manage the energy in a way that we're not going to just accommodate this free-floating anxiety. If you're anxious, we're going to intervene. What do you need right now? Okay, now that we got that done, what's one thing you're most worried about? Well, I'm just really worried that I'm going to be put in a situation where I don't even know that person is COVID positive and I'm going to be exposed. I'm going to expose my family. It's like, okay, so other situations, if you're a caregiver where you could be at risk for exposure, these are definitely a time, what are some of the measures that you take? Well, I mean, we have to really follow procedure and we have to really pay attention and we have to properly use PPE. Perfect. So part of not being anxious about interacting with somebody with potential COVID is you relying on your own self to use good process and procedure. I love that. So can you commit to me to do that? And you start helping people connect to— it's not free-floating. There are things that we can do right now. Now, if it starts to get general anxiety, I'm pulling people in and they're saying, well, I just— I can't do any of that. I'm burnt out. And we're saying burnout right now is a feeling and potentially a condition. So what I need from you is we can't use that as the reason why we can't, given that you're feeling low in energy. And I really take out the word burnout because, I mean, that's a diagnosis. Like, you're feeling low on reserves today. Is that what I'm hearing? You're feeling low in energy. So given this low energy, let's problem solve this a bit. What resources might you not be using? What do you tend to do when stressed that hinders rather than helps? And just start coaching people through this and really watching your own language. And so what you might be doing when you're getting to reality and trying to center people in, you might be forgetting that you've got to first connect with the people and then bring them in, however you do that energetically. And then you have to be really careful about what you're feeding and what you're not feeding. So if there's a lot of anxiety, use some of our tools. Like if people are really worried about something, it's like, okay, so let's do a resiliency board on that. And the resiliency board is we're going to brainstorm all the ideas we have on how, given the situation, we could make this work. And it's like, well, if you look at this long term and we bring back in— we start to open up for elective procedures. And I mean, we don't even have enough PPE for ourselves, and then for elective procedures. And it's like, okay, so in the organization I'm hearing that we have enough. And so where are you feeling the shortage? Well, I mean, I don't have enough. So what are you doing when you aren't finding what you need? Well, I mean, I just make do with what I have. Perfect. I think we found the situation. Rather than making do with what you have, that's not safe. What are some other ideas? Group, what are some ideas? And you're managing that energy away from why we can't, why we don't have to or shouldn't have to, to how we could. Because the situation is in healthcare, we signed up for some of this, not for, you know, some of the dire situations, but we did sign up for it and we have policies and procedures to help with this. Well, We would have to then be calling other units to ask for some of their extra. Perfect. That sounds great. So should we incorporate in our huddle in the morning a routine check on how we're doing on PPE and then, you know, some quick calls to other units? Well, they won't help us. They're hoarding. Okay. So what do we need to do to have better relationships with other units so that they'll help us? How are we treating them? Are we willing to go help them? Do we hoard? If we think it's so easy, do we go first. And what I want you to do is you will have to regroup people into reality. But if you're telling people you're not in reality, that's punching the eagle in the face. The way I get you from here to there is reflection. Is that true? What do we know for sure? Like, what are some ways that we could protect ourselves? And it's like, well, we're burning through PPE. Okay. What are the best practices out there once we have somebody in a room? What are other systems doing? Well, I mean, they're setting up stations that one person stays in the room because they're already in PPE, and we do a relay team where we have that person in that room carry out what we all need to have done. And great, let's reach out to our colleagues and find out what's happening. It's those types of things. So I hope that that helps. We don't want to enable negative behavior. And here's the deal, if somebody needs an accommodation, Accommodate them. I might have given this example, but I was working with a leader, group of leaders, and she said, um, Sai, some of my people in the emergency room don't want to work in the time of COVID One, what does that reveal to you as a leader? How many concessions have you made for this person to carve out exactly what they prefer, not what patients need? How have you let them Decrease their skill set so they only have to stay relevant to a certain group of patients. But for now, it's like, what do you need to do to feel safe working in this environment in the ED? Well, I would need you to guarantee me that— no, what would you need to do to feel safe? Well, I'm not going to do that because I have a compromised immune system kid at home. Well, that deserves accommodating. Okay. Got it. So if I got somebody from med surg to cover for you and you could do med surg just for this interim, let's do that. I don't work med surg. Then because of the health situation of your child, do you need to take leave? Well, I want my hours. So I can give you hours of med surg. Well, I'm not going to work med surg. But you don't want to work ED? No, I don't feel safe. So what I hear, I'm trying to accommodate, is that you're not willing to meet that accommodation with this willingness to do these other things. So I think then we're looking at leave. We aren't going to accommodate people's personal opinions or people's fear. We just don't accommodate fear. And that's what I think you're getting to, Matthew. So all of those techniques won't happen in one meeting and it won't happen in one interaction. You are constantly, all day long, Taking anxiety, acknowledging it, feeling the feelings, and then helping to question the thinking, helping to focus the energy, helping to unbundle it, bust it up, get it in doable pieces, and move forward. So hopefully that helps. So I've got another one I wanted to grab here. Okay, Bernadette, I'm gonna grab yours because we— if we aren't in the situation, we're gonna be handling a lot of people as our friends and families in this situation. So first of all, Bernadette, very— I won't say quite honestly I'm sorry because I do think things falling apart are also things falling together, but I give you so much heart love. Thank you. For being in a situation of so much uncertainty. So want to figure out, like, how do you move forward with plans after job elimination? How much time do I take to work through my own grief and anxiety? What I would say is while that's individualized, it doesn't need to be done in serial. Okay? You don't need to be fully healed and fine with the situation before you move forward. You need to be sorting through the situation actively while you move forward, right? So what I would do is I would allow yourself time to feel. I would get extra sensitive to what you are feeling. I would find some inner circle folks that won't be in the mood to fix you. The worst thing we can do for folks is move into over-functioning instead of just be present and listening to them and try and fix them. And if somebody gets anxious and tries to fix you, just love them up. Just go, you know what, I love that you love me so much you want to jump right into the fixing. And I'm probably causing some anxiety here because someone you love, I'm telling you that I'm in a lot of uncertainty. Can we just restart? What I really need from you— I just need you hearing what I'm saying. I just want to get this out in front of another human being. And it helps me to hear me say it out loud. And I want to feel those feelings. Then while you're doing that, be very clear about what you need to be doing and get your standards such that you won't do it perfectly. You're not going to be like a perfect Interview. You're not going to have a perfect resume. Get good with iteration and improv. So I'm going to get a good enough description and ask out there. And I'm going to set a goal this week to let people maybe just know that I'm without a position and I have a good network and just remember me when there's skills out there. And then you can go one step further in another couple of weeks. For, you know, what you want to do. And some people are like, well, I want to take time to know what I want to do next. If you've got that resource, do that, but don't follow your feelings through this. Provide some structure in your life, some familiarity, some things to hang your hat on, things we've already talked about, to feel the feelings as they come up, but don't live the feelings. And so given that What type of reach out seems appropriate right now? I don't want to just take a job to have a job. If you have that luxury, don't. But some people are like, sigh, it's not my ideal job. I'm like, well, what's your current situation? Well, I need a job. I'm like, well, if it's in your lab and it's offered and it's not horrendous and it's not unethical, that might be an option for you. But I guess what I'm saying, Bernadette, is don't get into serial first this, than that. Don't get into either/or. When we're in anxiety, we come down to— it's like, you know, do you want me just to put out a crappy resume, or do I need to wait 2 months until I've had it polished and ready to go out? Or do resumes even matter? It's like, well, let's do and. Let's put out a decent resume, good enough. Let's talk to some people about the value of resumes while You're keeping an eye out for good resumes and incorporating that, and we have to really get into an and world—not and so that we're going to do a bunch. I'll do everything and overfunction. It's I'm going to be okay with grief and looking. I'm going to be okay with stillness and you know activity. It is creating space and room for all of it. And the other thing I would tell you is you are not your unim. employment. Just like, you know, I hate to overuse Sheila's example, but Sheila— the only part of Sheila isn't that she's a widow. The only part of, you know, um, some of us— I mean, we're bigger than that. And what happens with anxiety is a lot of times we make that, um, all of our existence right now. I'm the unemployed one. So maybe we overshare. Maybe people were just like, On Zoom for a happy hour and we come on not regulating some of our feelings and we dominate the discussion about our job loss. Not that you would do that, but compartmentalizing is a good thing. So I am going to be in touch with my unemployment for a couple hours a day. And then I am going to consciously wrap that up, know that I've done what I've Wanted to do today with that, and I'm going to put that on the shelf, and I'm going to go live out the rest of my existence. And that is really important. Otherwise, you do a behavior that's a lot like worrying, and worrying is a behavior. A lot of what we do in anxiety that we feel it just comes with the territory is a choice in the behavior. Worrying is behavioral. It's not feeling your— feelings, right? It is keeping the feelings alive, but it's just recycling and committing energy to something in the moment we can't do anything about. So be intentional and conscious about what you're doing right now. And so that would be some of my advice to that. And the other thing is watch how you go from the micro to the macro. So some people are like, um, I need to find another opportunity. And if they just stayed in the micro, they're like, well, of course there's going to be jobs open, and I have a good network, and I have a good skill set. And so I just need to work on the micro with this group of 100 people to just really be reaching out. It's pretty measurable. I'll do 10 a week. Watch how your anxiety takes you into the macro. Oh my God. 3 more million people applied for unemployment. Oh my God, the unemployment rate in the nation is 30-some percent. Oh my God, I will never, ever, ever— how could I expect— it's just like winning the lottery to get a job. No, it's not. Because if I had 10 friends that I had good relationships with and I needed $100, it's pretty likely if I asked everybody for $10, they would give me $10. If I go play the lottery and want to win $100, it's pretty unlikely that the lottery would give me $7 million. So be very careful about what I call ego math and getting way out of your lane, right? It's getting way in your lane. So, um, 2 good questions. Lots of good questions. Um, I'm trying to think. I'm just gonna jump in here. Um, people noticed during the day. Um, I read that this— it's the AM and was freaked out. So Bernadette is saying, on target, baby. We— that's what anxiety is. It leads us to behaviors that keeps us scared because the ego wants us to believe we are alone, we are the only ones. that the future is dismal, that we're frauds, that we're not capable, that we're not worthy, that we're separate, that we don't have any network. Like, the ego wants us to be a victim. And so it will find the story you need that you're most susceptible to right now for you to toggle down. Then you spend your days venting and bitching and moaning and whining and worrying and, and colluding. You find other people to collude with about how bad this whole thing is, and it reinforces your victim mindset. And the ego's like, my work here is done. We need to know how our mind works and be in a constant state of bypass so that we move beyond that, getting out of the ego certainty that we're screwed and get into accuracy, which is that you're not necessarily screwed. And that's how like something happens. We know that this is, you know, going to be disastrous. Really? Because at the end of the day, did it change all that much? Like I had someone call me panicked and they're like, Sai, I just got laid off. And it's, I mean, I just don't know what I'm going to do, blah, blah, blah. And as I started talking to her, she had a year's severance package. I'm like, you have a year paid year off. Like, like, where's the anxiety coming from? Like, in, in her mind, she was— of all of our groups, she'd done comparative suffering— she was the one least stable. And I'm like, 3 of us are business owners. We don't have anything on the books for next month, and we have 10 people to support. Like, why don't you look at the accuracy of this? You have payment that if you adjust how you live, you can, you know, you've got some time and some space to capitalize on this opportunity. And that's an extreme example, but what I want you all doing right now— and another question came up about setting goals and how much we can, um, how do we motivate our team? Like, how do we set goals? And, and, you know, goals are, you know, things are changing every week and we're having to set like kind of like short sprint goals was the question I remember. I won't take the time to go find it. How do we, like, get our team to do that? And this is all about conscious and visible so that you can get intentional. You have to get this stuff visible. So I start with, what would success look like at the end of this week, everybody? What would success look like? And then what would we all need individually to be doing? What milestones would we need to be hitting? What would we need to accomplish? That's your assignment, team. Get those back to me by noon, the intentions you're setting for yourself. And then I would put those up there. And as I check in with people, I would visually in front of them just go, okay, so we're on track with that. We're not on track with that. Did that slip for a reason? Did something change? Did we assume something that wasn't true? And make it okay for people to go, no, I just haven't paid attention to that. What's the scariest thing about that? Do you want to take this offline? Is there a way I could support you? And I mean, even to support people at home, a lot of leaders— somebody wrote like they're constantly checking in and don't over-function, meaning that they don't have to bring you good processed work. So I even like the idea I just heard of, of open office hours like in college. One leader is setting office hours that between 11 and 1, I have an open Zoom meeting and here's the link and I'll see you in the waiting room. If you're not let in immediately, you know, just leave it up. Know that it'll probably be within 15 minutes and I'll get to you. But come to me with an SBAR. Come to me with process work. Don't come to me with free-floating anxiety. And to start requiring more of your people as they come in for that extra attention. So— There are ways to even just set structure and tell people you aren't available between 12 and 1 because you're going to have a lunch and go for a walk. Like, set boundaries. So my assignment for all of you— I adore you guys. Hi, Melissa. So good to see you on. Or Melissa. Melissa's on, but Melissa from Minnesota, one of my favorite nurses in the world, is on talking about consistent rituals. Notice your anxiety and learn from your anxiety. It— feelings are full of information. What do they reveal, not about your situation that you're a victim of, but what do they reveal about you? Where do you need to get more skillful? Where do you need to get more clear? Where do you need to set more boundaries? Where do you need more structure? Where do you need to lower your standards? Where do you need to— Stop confirmation bias that you're just going to believe things are okay. Like, given the new reality, what can you do next? All of these techniques, you'll figure out which ones work for you. But notice your anxiety and, um, don't try and, you know, just buck it up and forget about it. Go into it and learn from it. Learn about who you are and learn about your ego and how masterful the ego gets you into thinking you're going to be unemployed for the rest of your life and we're all going to heck in a handbasket. Because on the micro, most of us have more power in our network than that. And by the way, if it's the worst-case scenario, if, you know, this is when it all ends, make sure that you spent your last day well. Priorities, loving the people that you love, Making sure that your relationships are in good condition. Like, you can forego what needs to be done today because of worry about the future. And that's the point of worry. Worry takes you out of any accountability, and it feels like you're actually doing something. So learn from your anxiety. Really notice what's going on. Notice your tendencies and just see if you can shift some things. You won't do it perfectly. We all get caught up in this, but every time we get more information, good research work, good to know, and we apply compassion, we get ourselves to trust ourselves more that we're paying attention, and our odds of improving and doing something different in the future increase. It's all an investment. There is not one thing that we do out of awareness, even if we don't get the end result, that was wasted. There is nothing wasted. When you make something visual and you get conscious about it and you try and move forward intentionally, even if you screw all that up, it's not wasted because every run at this makes something more familiar. And when we hit that familiarity point, we're good. So I adore you guys. Thank you. You're doing a great job sharing. I want you to watch for— we're bringing new courses out. We're bringing an inner circle group where we're going to take this to a whole new level on subscription, kind of join the inner circle stuff. And we're gonna keep doing Facebook. I'll be back here next week. Share this, share the podcast. Be good to yourself, be good to others. We got this. You guys can get through this. So later. This is the No Ego Podcast, where we ditch the drama and entitlement and transform your world. I'm Sy Wakeman.