Overcoming Trauma and Addiction Through Breathwork and Mindfulness | Brian Coones & Zarak Fatah

Do you believe we're living in a society that's lacking healthy male masculinity? If so, you're going to love this episode because I sit down with my good friend Brian Coons and we talk about what does it mean to be a high value man of integrity, to be a provider, to be a protector, to choose to do the hard things in life, to show up for your family and for your loved ones. We talk about what's missing in the mindset of young men these days and what does it mean to be a truly successful, strong man. Whether you're a man or a woman. This episode is packed with wisdom and knowledge that either you or someone in your life you could benefit from. So I invite you to watch it and I would really appreciate if you get something of value, please like share and subscribe to this channel because your support allows me to do more of this and reach more people. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this episode. So you're lying in bed in the hospital, you've just had an accidental drug overdose and you've got a two month old baby girl at home. What's going through your mind?

Yeah, interestingly. Well, when you awaken from something like that, there's a lot of confusion. At first, I don't think I've shared this before, but somebody snapped a picture of me not long after they pulled all the wires out in the catheter, all the many things I was connected to. I took a picture and I had this smug look on my face because I had maintained a character or an ego around being some indestructible type person who could just overcome anything physically or mentally. But it wasn't too long after that that the realiz realization of what just happened kind of sunk in. And honestly, it took a little while to process it. But I have a photo of myself at home that night holding my daughter. And there's tape marks all over my arms from all the different things and bruises. And I'm just holding her, I'm looking at my face and there was a massive realization of how fucking grateful and how lucky I am that I pulled through that. Because honestly, before that happened, it was about me. It was always like, you know, I can do it because if I let myself down, that's okay. But I realized then I almost abandoned this little girl and what a, what a legacy of shame that would have been, you know, especially 12 years later to see the little beautiful young woman that she's becoming. It's been such a gift. So really at first it was just that reaction, I guess, with my ego. And then very quickly, it started to melt down and it created a massive shift in the way I looked at the world. And, you know, she became my. Why, why that point forward, regardless of the many mistakes I would continue to make and will make, that was going to be my path forward to. To being a better man.

Yeah. What was going on in your life leading up to that? Because partying, going out, you know, messed around with drugs. Like, what was happening in your life? Because I. I'm a believer that people don't do drugs and drink alcohol because how it makes them feel. They do it because how it doesn't make them feel. So was there anything you were numbing yourself from? Anything you were trying to escape from?

Yeah, it's an interesting progression how when I first got into party and I honestly, because, you know, my earlier days, I used to work in the bars as a bouncer. I never drank. I didn't drink. I didn't do. I didn't smoke pot really until my twenties. I wasn't one of those kids that grew up doing that. It was, you know, a little bit later on when I discovered something beyond alcohol. It was like ecstasy at the time. And back then it was kind of fun and it was light. But eventually it became, you know, cocaine slipped in there and then a whole gamut of other things as well. And really, it was the accessibility for me, but also it was filling me up where I wasn't feeling whole. And I think that, you know, and I reflect back to it. I was very successful in corporate at the time and then transitioning into entrepreneurship. It was. The lows were getting lower, and so I was chasing the highs to feel higher. But when I was high, I felt really good about myself. I felt whole.

And what was creating lows?

I think it was disassociation from who I was. I was. I wouldn't say I was completely unconscious or I hadn't woken up from the dream of the ego. Things were starting to happen. I was starting to feel prompts, but at the end of the day, it was just a misalignment and I couldn't find a real sense of peace or centeredness on my own. And really, when I unpacked it later, you know, I just. Now I can go back and say, yeah, it was because of. Of, you know, the child wounds and really not just feeling good about myself. Not feeling whole, not feeling worthy, not feeling seen, not feeling heard. And that part of me was still there. It hadn't been addressed and it was festering and I was feeling depression, I was feeling anxious. This partying was not helping because, you know, I was living both sides of the fence. My sister is like, she used to call me like the American Psycho, where I'd be like, in this dark place for a few days, and then I'd put my suit on, sweating, and jump right back into the other roles. And I lost myself along the way.

Yeah, and that's something that's quite common where as men, we're told to be successful, you know, go to school, get good grades, get a great job, make money, get the car, the wife, the house, you know, fulfill the program of the Matrix and many men. It sounds like for yourself, you're doing well in corporate, you're making money, you're a good looking, fit guy. But there was something missing. And that need to feel loved, that need to feel accepted and worthy, you know, was not coming from the superficial success. And that's where a lot of men, unfortunately, when they get into their 40s and beyond, they've realized they've checked all the boxes, but there's still something missing. And often, you know, when the cars and the women and the watches don't give them that dopamine anymore, they turn to the substances.

Yeah, no, exactly. And, and, and the character that I just described, you know, at least the suit side of it was my intention. You know, I wanted to have all those things. And I thought that's where, you know, success meant or lies or happiness and joy and peace. I thought that's where it would be. And then to your point, though, I, I didn't know how to address the other parts. I didn't have the tools, I didn't have a community of people around me who were doing that type of work. Yeah.

And let me ask you, the community, the friends that you did have around you at the time, did they not see this loop that you were in and you know, how you were really like, putting your life on the line on some weekends?

A lot of those friends were, were right on those front lines with me in, in that game as well. I think, honestly, brother, I think a lot of times that, you know, at a certain point people are kind of afraid to approach you with. Because I kept it together, at least on the surface, you know, I, I, I still managed to show up to the, to the, to the business meeting or whatever I had to do. I still got it done. So I was functioning still. I think if I had crumbled further, people might have stepped in. And I don't think I would have taken the advice very well at that time. I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.

Yeah, you just wouldn't have been ready to hear it.

Yeah, yeah.

And often our unconscious patterns, our closest friends around us can see it, but we don't see it for ourselves. And we'll just keep going and going until we have that dark night of the soul or that rock bottom moment where it's like, okay, wait a minute, something's got to change. So that night, you're at home, you're holding your baby girl and you're realizing like, holy, I almost lost my life. And on that night, you made a choice to change your life. And you know, they say your new life will cost you your old one.

Yeah.

So what was that like where you knew it was time for a change? Because I'm sure there's a lot of people watching or listening to this right now. They're like, yeah, it's time for me to make a change. But again, their friends around them might not understand or they're scared to take that step. For you to make that change, what, what did that cost you? What did you have to give up to become the man you are now today?

Well, that's a great question because that's one of the most difficult things I think in changing is letting go of who you were. That's where I, you know, brought all my value from. It's like those, that guy, that character, right. And, and so it really is a diminishing of the ego and letting go is very difficult to do. But we have to let go in order to evolve. I'll just say that first off, you know, as I mentioned before, she became my why. And so every single day, when I put my feet on the floor in the morning, I was going to do to make these changes, regardless of how much pain or suffering of letting go of, to form her identity. Because she was worth it and I wasn't worth it. I didn't have enough self regard for myself. But she was worth it and she became that anchor for me to do that work. But you know, it does change dynamics because I felt like I spent maybe 10 years putting together this amazing group of people who were so much fun and I had a certain position in that group that was favorable. And so, you know, saying no became difficult. And I'm not saying I'd said no all the time. You know, it wasn't like suddenly the switch flipped. Right? You know, there was a, there's a step forward, two steps back every so Often, but just over time I started to notice that when I listened to my own feelings, value, intuition and values, when I started to actually define what those were, that became my guiding post rather than what other people thought I should be doing.

Yeah, and that's, that's the tough part is you're known as being the fun guy, the fit guy, the party guy. And now it's like, what do you mean you're not coming out? Well, you don't want to go to the after hours and a part of you feels torn because you want to be a good friend. But at the same time, you know, it's not going to, it's not going to end well or there's a potential for it to take you backwards.

Yeah.

And, and that's, I find often the hardest thing for people as they begin personal development journey, it's being able to detach from that identity of who they think they need to be to maintain those relationships or still feel accepted. And there's a stage where you kind of go through this hermit isolation stage in solitude because you realize some of the places you went to, some of the people you hung out with are just going to pull you back. Right. Like where they say you can't get healthy in the same environment that made you sick. Yeah. And sometimes the people you're hanging out with will make you sick because. And it's not their fault. They're not trying to pull you down. It's just that's where they're at. And you made a choice to step away from that. So did any of your friends judge you or did any of your friends, you know, have any resistance to you wanting to change?

You know what? I think I'm fortunate that a lot of my good friends are still my good friends today. A lot of them have been through the same journey. People always judge. And you know, and when I really started to dedicate myself to this journey and started to share it publicly, you know, there was a lot of judgment. There's a lot of people who just dropped off instantly because they didn't get it or they wanted fund Brian back as they might define it, so. Absolutely. But that's, you know, that's part of the journey as well. It's just realizing that when you are true to yourself and your values, that it doesn't matter because people will judge. And you know, when you unpack why people judge, you realize it's just more of their own things to work on, what they're projecting and what does it.

Say at first they'll Judge you. Then they'll like blame you or call you crazy. And then, then they'll ask to join you.

Yeah, right.

I'm kind of butchering it, but you get the narrative. And I remember just my own personal example, when I started selling off all my designer clothing, knowing that I was moving to Costa Rica, you know, my friends thought I'd lost my mind.

Yeah.

Like here I'm getting out of the nightclubs, sold my restaurant, selling off my Tom Ford, my Gucci, and I'm moving to Costa Rica. And I can see why my friends thought I lost my shit for sure, because if I was on the outside looking in, I would have probably thought the same. And I would say it wasn't until probably after the pandemic when people started going through their own mental health challenges and started traveling to Costa Rica or Mexico or getting out of the city. City they realized why I left in 2018.

Yeah.

And then I didn't seem so crazy anymore. And what I love now is when I'm in Toronto hosting events, some of those friends who I think were quietly judging me and, you know, you know, talking about me behind my back, are actually now coming to my events to see what it is that I'm doing it. It's starting to make more sense to people now. So I guess now they're starting to join me, which is nice because, you know, you, you took a bold step forward to leave that group to not be fun, Brian, to be fun in a different way, but to pursue something that was more aligned with the future version of you that you wanted to be. And you're leading by example. Where they didn't understand it then, but now you're able to support them and inspire others by way of your change. Because you're a very different Brian than you were 10 years ago. And, and I know that you've been deep in the work and, you know, you, you're also hosting events, you're also providing facilitation for people's transformation now as well. And you and I share our passion and gift for breath work. So I'd love for you to share a little bit about how you discovered that modality and why you decided to like, really go all in and actually become a facilitator yourself.

Yeah, it actually began with mindfulness meditation. And right after that incident, basically the next week I joined the mindfulness center. It took what's called the MBSR Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program, and it was a 12 week program. And from that point forward, I actually really fell in love with that community and with my mentor there, and it's still part of it to this day. As we talked about earlier, it was meditation that really opened up the path to breath work for me. Once I got into meditation for a long period of time, at some point, actually, it was actually through, just through Wim Hof. Wim Hof. Breathing, I started to practice a little bit of breathing. My mentors were incorporating breath work into the meditation because breathwork very, very quickly resources our body into a safety system. So for the most fidgety, agitated, that person who can't sit for two minutes, just a little bit of deep breathing will help you segue into a deeper meditation. So it was really meditation at the core. Breathwork came later. And then from there, I began to study and practice under different facilitators and different modalities and holotropic breathwork. Stan Grof's system. And, yeah, it's just such an accra. For me. It's a daily practice, you know, three times, 30 breaths every single morning before I do any other practice or any other meditation. Gary Brca said that add 70 years to your life for longevity as well. Seven years. I don't know how he quantifies that, but he does it every day as well.

Three sets of 30 breaths every morning.

Yeah.

We'll add seven years to your life. Seven years, says Gary Brecke. Yeah, well, yeah.

And, you know, a lot of all these things dovetail the longevity. Right. Which I'm quite focused on now as well. But the breath work itself when I can go into a group of people. And, you know, you just mentioned you had a. You had a beautiful session on the weekend to be able to have that kind of impact on people. If I. If I sit and did a meditation with most people, most people would be sitting there in their head going, am I meditating? Am I not meditating? Yeah, probably the entire time. Breath work just pops right through all of that. You can push past the conscious mind, get in deep into the body, create deep relaxation, and sometimes even liberate some of that trapped energy or traumas or experiences from the body that creates just a lot more peace and freedom and flow of energy. And so breath work has just been a powerful practice for me, but something I love to share with people. Because it has absolute impact every time. Absolutely.

Yeah. And that's why I love telling people like, you are your own medicine. You don't got to go to Costa Rica or Peru to sit with the shamans, because I ayahuasca or psilocybin just releases the same DMT that's within us. And to your point, meditation, somebody can meditate, try to every morning for three weeks be like, I'm not doing, I'm not a meditator. And. And they'll give up. But with breath work, in one 45 minute session, they could have a transcendental experience where they're just like, what happened? Like, where did I go? I've had guests in my sessions reconnect with their father who's passed away or go back in time to a childhood memory that was traumatic for them and they get to Revis and then shift their perspective on that story. And they come out of the breath work having healed from that incident in just 45 minutes. And that's why I feel breath work is the opening, the catalyst for people who are maybe skeptical about this energy w quantum stuff. Drop in deep, give 100% for 45 minutes and discover what the body's capable of. And that's why I feel breath work is gaining popularity. And so many people are now practicing because they realize we are our own medicine. Yeah. And we don't need to take the pharmaceuticals and the meds that were prescribed.

No. Absolutely. So powerful. And you know, for me, I think the deep, like Sandra Mota, who I think I met through you, I did a rebirthing session with him. A legend. Yeah. My attention for this session, this is going back several years now, was to release anger. And I didn't realize I was still holding on to some anger. And, you know, just that repressed and suppressed emotions from childhood. Yeah. That would come up every so often and rear its ugly head. And that session, I remember at the time my family was upstairs in my home and I was in my office and I locked the door. It was a Friday night at seven o'. Clock. I said, I'm going to go down and do this practice for an hour. You know, don't worry about me. I locked the door, I went in deep and when they, when I opened my eyes, they were all standing over top of me crying. And I was kicking and screaming like a toddler on the ground. And then I looked up and then I saw them and then I had this big smile. I remember they, they saw. I could see instant relief across their faces. But I literally let go of a tremendous amount of whatever I was holding onto in that one session. And from that point forward, that was like, you know, we had these little quantum leaps every so often. That was one of them for me, you know, and that's, that's Breath, work.

Yeah. And, and, and thank you for sharing that. Such a beautiful example of. As men, we go through these experiences when we're young that create anger, sadness, unworthiness, and we don't know how to express because we're not taught that by our fathers. It's not encouraged. As a matter of fact, it's even considered weak.

Y.

So we push down these emotions from these experiences, and we don't realize, but the energy of those emotions still resides in our tissues. Right. The issues in the tissues. And we're so good at keeping that vault locked, the subconscious. Let's lock all those memories in there because we don't want to feel it. But in that deep breathwork session, when that part of the mind goes offline and no longer can suppress and hold it back, it just comes out. And when it comes out, it's like somebody took the lid off a fire hose and it's a fire hydrant and it's just pouring out. And it sounds like you had a lot of shit pushed down that finally got to. Got to this flow freely. And, and I. I'm glad you mentioned that because, you know, earlier on when we talked about you numbing, whether the alcohol or drugs and partying, because there was this maybe sadness or anger that was deep down that came from your childhood, I wanted to ask, like, were you able to tap into that? Were you able to process it and really allow yourself to work through that in your work, in your breathwork, in your mindfulness? Because I think that's where a lot of men, they are. They're aware, they're not happy, but they don't even know where to look.

Yeah.

Because they're like, well, I've got the great job and the great wife and the kids and the car. And they almost feel guilty for feeling sad or angry or frustrated, but they don't realize it's so deep within them that they can't even access it consciously.

Yeah, that's it. And, and it's always right there, and it wants to come up, but we just push it back down again or avoid it, Keep ourselves busy, busy, busy. Distraction. You know, mindfulness has been a huge tool. Breathwork's been a huge tool. A lot of plant medicine retreats from those early days as well really just gave me enough awareness to begin to notice what was actually happening and then accepting whatever it was, pleasant or unpleasant equally. And that's the, that's the attitude of mindfulness. It's really like, when it doesn't feel good, how can I just sit There and feel it deeply opening to that feeling and just stay with my breath and relaxing through it and letting it go. And really over time, I mean, this is the, you know, you mentioned earlier as well, like even in your own story, when you started to do the work, how people judge you and it's really hard for a while and you feel alone. When we start the work. It's, it's, it's really the hardest part because that's when all the veils are lifted off and you have to face the truth. And it's very difficult. But over time, with practice and the right community and the right support and certainly consistency and discipline, you can work away at that to the point where in any moment I can feel things arising within me. I can feel like, oh, like maybe a little bit anxiety is coming up right now. We're on this podcast and that's just like, you know, little Brian's still lingering there. He might not feel safe right now, or he might be and just be able to notice that in the moment and then continually self regulate. Yes, but not avoiding anything. And that's the tricky part. But we don't even know what avoiding means because like you said, we're so busy, we're scrolling, we're on our phones, we're doing a million things, we're not actually creating enough space to sit with what's going on. And then maybe we don't have the tools as well to exercise it.

Yeah, because when we ignore it and we push it down, it doesn't go away. It's just influencing the background. And there's a quote I always say by Carl Jung, until you make the unconscious conscious, it'll direct your life and you call it fate. So as we push things down, thinking we've, you know, gotten rid of it, swept it under the rug, it's still there.

Right?

And you know, you mentioned something that's super important that both you and I obviously are very focused on is community. Because as we begin this journey, as we start to look into our shadows and peel back the layers, we start to realize, man, am I really this fucked up? Like, am I really? Like, have I gone crazy? Like, what is going on? Like, I'm not gonna lie. There were days where I'm on the beach in Costa Rica being like, what did I do to my life? Like, I'm here with my dog on the beach, like, how did this happen? There are days where you start to question, like, have I lost my. Well, what helped? Especially in a town like Nosara, there's A lot of other people who were like me, who were actually ahead of me on their journey, they had their awakening, they realized that city life wasn't for them and they were living a more natural, holistic, spiritual life and in Costa Rica. And I realized, okay, I'm not crazy and on my own I'm just thinking a different way than my friends back home do. And that's why when on this journey it's so important to find your people, find your tribe and spend time with them, learn from them, share with them, because you feel safe and you feel heard and most importantly, you know, you feel like you belong. And I think obviously as humans we, we want to feel like we have connection and community and when we're detaching from the identity and we're not really sure who we are anymore. To have those who see you and hear you and support you is absolutely key. Like, I, I don't know that this transition would have been so smooth for me if it wasn't for the fact that I had community and was able to create community. Because just like you, as you start to share about your journey and what you've been through, other people start to like, be like, yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm going through that also. And then, and then you get to become the inspiration and the light for those in their darkness.

Yeah, no, absolutely. And when you do connect with that like minded community, you realize that there's a, you know, as we talked about earlier as well, there's a common thread through all of our stories. Yeah. You know, all of us have the same human condition and you know, it having that community, as you said, when, because it's hard to do this work in a silo, you know, it really is. And the ego is also very crafty where, you know, you start to play a little bit of games with yourself sometimes where you're like, am I doing the right thing? You know, you're talking about your beach moment with the dog. I mean it's, it's those moments arise all the time where there's just this tremendous amount of fear coming up. But just overcoming that is, is so important. But having that community to support you is everything.

Yeah, yeah. Now as part of community and I'm sure your, you know, your events, you're meeting all kinds of different people, different ages. You know, one thing that I'm noticing is I'm seeing this younger generation of people in their, you know, kind of early to late twenties who are coming out for breath work, who are coming on retreats, people who are young adults who seem to be. I definitely more conscious than I was in my 20s for sure. I'm seeing that there's this movement of. And I don't even know if they're called Gen Y or Gen Z. I don't even know what gen they are now. What would that be? People in their 20s? Yeah. Gen Z.

Okay.

So these Gen Z's are. It seems to be more like naturally awakened or conscious. And I mean that's inspiring to see because I mean when I have some people who show up in my workshops and they're like 24 years old, I'm like, you're 24 and you're in this room? Yeah, like I was 42 before I started coming to these events. And I explained to him, like the fact that you're doing this work at like 24 years old, like you are leaps and bounds ahead of so many others. And I'm noticing that, you know, it seems to be more of a, like consciousness seems to be the new. Cool.

Yeah.

You know, and, and that for me is really inspiring. With that being said, I feel there's this movement of young adults who are more curious about consciousness. They're, they almost seem to have a, a natural state of enlightenment to them. But then the flip side of that is. And this, this statistic, when I heard it, wow. The statistic I heard was that young men under the age of 24, 50% of them have not had any female contact. They are addicted to video games, they're addicted to porn, and they actually don't even know how to like socialize and interact. And when I heard that, I was just like, wow, well, what does that mean? Like if 50% of men under 24 are in that state, what are they going to be like at 34 or 44? So, you know, my question for you because obviously you work with a lot of men, you have your own community that you provide, you know, facilitation for. What do you think is missing from the young? From. What do you feel is missing from masculinity that the world needs for men to really step up and be providers and protectors right now.

Yeah. And just to add one other thing, Testosterone levels of are down 50% in 20, 25 years or.

Yeah, something like the average 24 year old has the same testosterone as an 80 year old.

Yeah.

Which is wild.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, there's, you know, there's two things you said. One is it's really encouraging to see young men doing the work now. And I think it's Just become more socially acceptable young people, men and women, men in particular, you know, that that is a scary statistic. It's, it's the connection side of things that seems to be missing. I mean, we, things are so virtual, we're not really wired for that. You know, with men in general, you know, when we look at the men that are doing the work, I think men, what we're losing a little bit is masculinity of being a strong man. And I think that there's been, you know, since the toxic masculinity thing, the me too thing, a lot of things have happened that create a divide, I think, where men are like, well, we don't really know where we stand anymore, but, and I always, you know, I had somebody on my podcast recently, they were talking about, okay, well, where are, you know, the conscious men or the strong men? But just like, where are the men these days? I know from my own experience that when I decided to let go of the bullshit and just get back to basics, training hard, eating right, sleeping properly, doing all the things for my body to be a strong man, but also working on opening my heart more often, because a lot of men live in our heads. And opening the heart space by being a strong man is that balance that I think creates a conscious man. And so, you know, I, I, I don't know all the things that lead to that horrible statistic, but a lot of it is disconnection, living virtually. And I think a lot of maybe in some cases a sedentary lifestyle as well. You know, it's, yeah.

And I feel that because porn is free, weed is easily acceptable. Sorry, instant gratification. Right. So porn is free, weed is easily accessible.

Yeah.

Video games are easy and convenient. It's just, it's, it's just easier for these young men to sit at home, smoke weed, play video games, watch porn at night.

Yeah.

And that plus, you know, I've heard, I don't know if it's a plastic that's in our food and in our water or, you know, a number of contributing factors with diet impacting testosterone. Makes sense. If they have lower testosterone, they're smoking weed, jerking off every night. It's like, yeah, they're not even going to have the energy to speak to women. Right. And everything's virtual then. Yeah, they don't have the game, they don't have the conversational skills. I mean, when we were young, growing up, we wanted to meet a girl. We actually had to talk to her. We had to write her number down on a napkin.

Or give her her.

We had to like call at a certain time, hoping she picked up her phone, not her dad, you. We actually had to have some game. But now it's like, it's a very different world we're living in. And you know, for the, the young men out there, I. I think, you know, what was missing that I look back and see, okay, what did young. I'll call myself Zark then. Because by then I was going by what did Zark need to know at 22? To really show up in a way that I could have had deeper, more juicier relationships. Because looking back on my history of dating, I've had some wonderful girlfriends over the years. But predominantly my experiences were casual sex. And of course, working in nightlife industry for 25 years played a part in that. And the insecurity of me needing to feel good enough, me needing to feel validated me feeling like I had to prove myself because we got cool, strong man meant to like sleep with a bunch of women.

No, no.

I realize now, intimacy, that deep connection, that, that eye contact, that really feeling one another, that is so much more enjoyable, the sensuality, it's something I'm experiencing now in my that 50 where it's like, this is what's missing. And what I would say to my younger self is it's not about quantity, it's about quality. And it's about having that deep connection and working through my insecurities that, you know, no matter how hot she was, it wasn't going to make me feel better about myself. And just like you chased success and you climbed the corporate ladder thinking it was going to fulfill you, for me, it was. The more women, the hotter they were. You know, it would make me feel better about myself. But it didn't, you know, And I think there's a lot of young men and older men out there who are looking for that sense of fulfillment by sleeping with as many women as possible. And they got it all wrong. And I could say that because I've experienced the other side of that and nothing is better than that deep, juicy, intimate connection. But it requires you to go deep within yourself because you could only meet someone at that depth that you can go to on your own. And when you're there, it's like, wow, mind blowing.

Yeah. And it requires tremendous amount of vulnerability as well, which is. Yeah, you know, was counterintuitive to what male was a masculine male When I was growing up, you know, if I spoke about emotions or feeling deeper feelings about something or mentioned heart led you Know, it might have got me a punch in the face back in the day. Right. But. But honestly, to your point, Dan, when you start to do that deeper work, you start to actually crave deeper human connection. And intimacy is, is so important. And, you know, I think I've been through a phase like yours as well, you know, and. And looking back now, I just realized that was just the unhealed Brian again trying to fulfill what he needed. But. But vulnerability is, is a powerful thing for not only intimacy, but for everything.

Yeah, yeah. And then it's vulnerability. You know, it's a word that's tossed around a lot these days. And I think for some men, they, oh, I don't want to hear about that. You're a beta man if you're vulnerable. And the truth is, is vulnerability actually takes a lot of courage. And vulnerability allows you to be a real leader with integrity. Because vulnerability isn't about being over emotional and crying about, you know, whatever is getting to you. It's more so about can you really be open and honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel those feelings and ask for help and allow yourself to be seen, allow yourself to be heard and supported? Because that's where intimacy is. You know, as they say, intuition. To me, you see, intimacy is not possible if you don't allow yourself to be exposed. And of course, there is oversharing at times, and that's when it's important to understand when to hold the masculine frame, but to also balance it with the feminine energy of being expressive and emotional, but still understanding that you have control over your circumstances. And even though you may be feeling this right now and you're going through a tough time, you do have the control to make empowered choices to change your situation. Right. Otherwise your emotions are just going to sweep you away. And then, you know, and. And that's not attractive to a woman either. Yeah. You know, one thing I want to ask you because you're a man who in many ways, you've check the boxes of what a successful man is. You know, you're father, you're a successful entrepreneur, you're fit, you're, you know, you ride motorbikes, you know, you do all kinds of cool stuff. And as you said, growing up, you had this idea of what success was supposed to look like. Right. There's a lot of young men and even older men our age who are still pursuing that model of success. So going through your journey and where you are now, what advice, what guidance would you have for someone who's lost and confused about what it means to be a successful man these days.

Yeah, that's a great question. You know, it's, it's difficult to answer what, you know, that or to say exactly what that should be for people. But I would just say fundamentally, doing hard things intentionally in your life will bring clarity and give you those answers. Surrounding yourself with the right people. But honestly, for, for any man, you know, we talk a lot about meditation and breath work and we teach those things. But, you know, I don't teach fitness, but I practice it. Going to the gym every single day is just such an important thing. To liberate energy, to feel good about yourself. The more, the better we feel, the better decisions we make and the more we, the better we feel about ourselves. It's really, you know, for me, for example, you know, I look at somebody like an Ed Milet. I look at a guy like that who is a strong guy, uber successful. He's, you know, to, to. To the point he can be vulnerable, he can share some tears to, to a point who's heart led, who, who authentically has compassion and cares for other people. To me, I think that is what a man should be or the man I want to, to. To aspire to be beyond that. But having clarity around what you want to become really takes time and reflection. Moving your body every day, doing some hard things, maybe starting to take some cold showers, getting some breath work, practice in doing some journaling every single day. Whatever it takes to reflect and grow. But be, always be listening, always be tapping into your intuition and wisdom. You know, we talked about all of those things we pushed down. Well, once we start to let those things go a little bit, that intuition and wisdom starts to arise more often. Suddenly you start to notice that, you know, you're, you're with the right intention. Things are showing up in your life with synchronicity. So I really just think it just starts with some basic habits, things that you can control every single day. And that is like the food you're eating, getting into the gym and taking some time to reflect.

Yeah, Yeah, I love that because I know you speak a lot about resilience. I mean, one of the things you coach people on is like, how to develop the tenacity and the ability to work through those tough times because, you know, life will throw us curveballs. And it's in those moments where we're tested, do we have the ability to be resilient and make it through? And to your point about choosing to do hard things just because you choose to do them?

Yeah.

Whether it be the cold shower, whether it be going to the gym, whether it be, you know, I know you're a big fan of jumping into Lake Ontario in the winter. You know, it's choosing to do the hard things because I believe that having a mission in life, women admire a man on a mission with purpose and that's sexy, that's attractive, you stand for something. But if you don't have integrity, if you're not your word, if you don't honor your commitments, then you're untrustworthy. And if you're untrustworthy, and if you're untrustworthy and you don't trust yourself, how do you expect people around you to trust you?

Right, exactly. Doing those hard things every day. You know, when I get up at 5ish, I'm one of those guys now and I go in the cold plunge, I mean, I could skip it any morning. But if I don't keep that promise to myself, there is a lack of trust. I lose confidence in myself if I keep promises to myself. There's a sense of confidence that's there just under the surface and I don't need validation for that. I feel it and other people feel it without having to say a word.

Absolutely. When you have that confidence and that pride in yourself, you walk in a room and it can be felt on a subconscious level. Right. And the inverse, if you're eating crap food, skipping the gym, cheating on your wife.

Yep.

You feel that guilt, you feel that shame and that vibration, as you know, is the lowest frequency, people will sense that in you as well. And without saying a word, people will not trust you.

Yep.

Right. So, you know, a lot of people say this. Gen Z's, you know, don't have the work ethic, they don't have the ability to be resilient and make things happen. So, you know, I would love for you to share, you know, what do you see as the biggest issue in the mindset of men these days that's holding them back from really being a high value, high performing man?

Yeah. I think awareness is the first step always when it comes to the path. Because no matter what, we're always going to get knocked off the path. We're always going to get stuck somewhere. But how quickly do we notice that? And I think that with all the distractions and the things happening, certainly with Gen Z growing up with all these devices attached to their bodies and your phone is literally an extension of your thinking mind and we're already churning out 60,000 thoughts, a lot of them are negative. We're on a path of survival.

Yeah.

But just noticing that with awareness, anything you can do to create, to gain awareness will change everything right away because you start to catch yourself, you start to notice those patterns. But even before that, you know, I. Going back to what I said about my daughter and what she was. For me, the why became my anchor. And I know that, you know, start with why is a, is a, well, universal term now, thanks to Simon Sinek. But it is, it's so important. You have to have a reason and you have to have a goal, but you have to have a reason to want to do these things. And if it's not for you, maybe it's for somebody else, you know, and the more time you spend sitting with that, the more you start to define what that purpose is. Because we have to have something to get us on the path, but we also have to notice when we're off the path. So I think it's just those are the two first steps. And then from there there's a cascade of other things and tools and techniques that you can start to incorporate. But it really just starts with the first step. And I really think it's just sitting down and saying, okay, this isn't working for me. Unfortunately, I think that statistic has a lot to do with the fact that people just lose hope and they don't necessarily have a why or a direction. And life becomes about comfort and pleasure, and that's an empty place. Comfort and pleasure are beautiful things, but if you've done the hard work on the other side, the contrast is there and you've earned it.

Yeah. That brings to mind a quote from Victor Frankl saying, when a man is missing purpose, he searches for pleasure. You know, and, and that's it. If you don't have purpose, you don't have a mission. You don't have something your North Star to, to, to guide you, then you're just, you're just wandering through life aimlessly. Yeah. And, and I think you, to your point that that's what's missing for people is just having a reason to get up, having something to push for.

Yeah.

And, you know, I love the fact that, you know, we're on this mission together, you know, we're, we're walking down the same path, you know, parallel journeys. And, you know, I just want to say that I'm grateful that on that day you made a choice to change your life. You know, I'm sure your daughter and your family is. And it's been beautiful to, to witness your growth and Evolution. And, you know, I just want to say appreciate you and all that you've done and, you know, for supporting my events, for being on the podcast and yeah, it's.

It's.

It's a beautiful goal that we're working towards together. And yeah, I just want to say thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing everything you did today and where can people find you? Learn more about what you do with your retreats, your breath work sessions, your programs with. With rewired.

Yep. I want to just thank you too, brother, because, you know, you've been inspiring for me and, and you know, you were in a. In the public eye before you made this choice, so I've heard people think that you were crazy when you first started to do it firsthand, but I'm so happy that you. You went through the process and, and thank you for including me in this and all the other events and everything else. You can find me at briancoons.com or Brian Koons on social media and everything will be there.

Okay. Yeah, we'll put it all down in the show notes. And yeah, man, thank you for who you are and what you do and appreciate you being here, brother.

Beautiful. Thank you.

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