Why Men Struggle to Find Good Women (And What to Do About It)

Man that can't control his own sexual energy is a weak man.

And a woman wants a plan. She wants to know you have a plan, a vision. You're working towards it every day. And you don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to already have made seven or eight figures to call in that queen. You just have to.

The man who fears losing his partner or his wife will end up pushing her away if he's not aware of what's actually happening.

I need to talk to her in this way so then I can get her number and make sure that I connect with her and do this, do this, do this. But because I attach myself to the outcome, I'm already trying to, like, formulate this into something that potentially might not work out.

Today we're going to discuss a very important question that a lot of men are asking. Why can't I find a good woman? And for those of you that have already found a good woman, how can you treat her like a queen to keep her? And I'm honored to sit down with two brothers today, Malcolm Frazier and Voy Vonsek, two men who have beautiful queens in their life who are going to share their wisdom about who they had to become to call in these incredible women and who they continue to be, to maintain, to nourish and develop the relationship. So I'm excited to drop in with these guys today because I have a lot to learn from them, and I'm sure you'll get lots of nuggets of knowledge and wisdom from them as well. So, J, great to see you both. Thank you for joining for this conversation. This is the first time we've ever done a panel type of conversation. So excited to have you a part of this experiment and to jam out and receive and share and drop in deep on this conversation that so many are asking, like, why can't I find a good woman? You know, whether it's I'm in Miami or in Toronto, you know, even here in Tulum, I'm meeting great guys who are smart, fit, they're in the work, and they're struggling to meet their reciprocal match. And you guys fit that description. You guys are deep in the work, and it's been a journey for you to find Marina and for you to find your partner, Alexa. So just love for you to share a bit about your journey because you and Marina have been together three years now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been together for three years. And. And yeah, thanks for. For bringing up the subject. And it's been such a beautiful experience. It's, you know, in order for me, I guess let's go straight into answering this question, who I had to become in order to bring in this relationship. And not only to bring in this relationship, but to continuously nurture it and, you know, continue on the path with a wonderful partner. Of course, you know, it all comes back to who I am as an individual. You know, I can remember just. Yeah, I can remember when I started this journey around seven years ago, when I, you know, my journey started with sobriety. And when I got sober, I still carried old behaviors with me and old perceptions with me and old programs with me. Because at the end of the day, getting sober is just. You're getting rid of a symptom, but you're not really going at the root cause. We can speak more about that later. But, you know, a lot of my own patterns, a lot of my parts, a lot of my. My. My own perceptions were still very much alive. And so even through sobriety, I would go back to the same kind of relationships that I had before. And the difference is that when I wasn't sober, I was numbing myself all the time, so I couldn't see the toxicity that I was creating and also that I was receiving. But then removing. Removing the illusion, right. Removing the substances, I started seeing that. Whoa, wait a second. This isn't. This isn't. You know, yeah, this. This doesn't make any sense. And that's when, in the beginning of my journey, I sort of took a whole pause. I took a pause of being in relationships, having sex. And I remember, really, when it happened, you know, I had casual sex with a woman, and I said. I said, you know, I felt so empty after. I felt really empty after. To the point I even told her I was like, hey, I don't. You know, and I think she wanted to see me again. And I'm just like, hey, I'm. I'm. I'm so sorry to say this, but it's like, I. Yeah, I don't. I don't feel good. I feel empty, and I don't want to do this again. Right. And. And that from that point, I really went into this path of trying to understand why I wanted to be in a relationship, why I wanted to have sex. And ultimately, the answer came back to me. It's like, well, what is the relationship with yourself? And what does sexuality actually mean to you? And with self? For quite a few years, right? I did the work, and I did the work with myself. And knowing ultimately that you know the real test was going to begin whenever I was going to start sharing my life with a woman. And then came Irina. Then came Irina. And yeah, immediately, immediately it's like I was, I was offered this just beautiful mirror and right from the get go, right, starting to feel and see all the patterns in me that were still, still unseen and still had to be worked on. And through that, most importantly, it showed me where I still didn't feel safe within myself, where, where I still didn't fully love myself, where I still didn't fully accept myself, realizing that if I was to be in a partnership with a partner that I wanted to love fully and accept fully and bring safety to, if I couldn't offer that to myself, I wouldn't be able to offer that to her. And so that's where actually, for me, the real work began. And what's so interesting is that we, we've been traveling for three years, like our relationship, literally six months in our relationship, we decided to leave together. So we decided to go around the world, different countries in central South America, living together, all while co creating our relationship, all while taking care of our clients, all while taking care of our businesses. And so, you know, it's been challenges after challenges after challenges in three years. But for me, it always comes back to this one really important piece is how much safety can I just bring back to my body, you know, in these moments of challenge, you know, and how much can I trust that she's doing that for herself as well? Because in the end, although I believe every relationship can have codependent patterns through our coming together, of course there has been merging, and now we're, we're unlearning, right? We're really unlearning. What are these patterns that we have brought into the relationship that are causing sometimes a lot of turmoil or conflict or disagreement or shutting down? Because in the end, it's like, I believe that a healthy relationship isn't a relationship that has no conflict or no struggles or no challenges or no doubt. It's actually a relationship that goes through all these different things and then we're able to come out of it together. And so that's my question. That's my answer for now.

Yeah, and reminds me of a quote that Nico Cannon, who, I think, you know, you know what podcast I did with, he said, men don't commit to women. Men commit to the man they need to be.

Exactly.

Just to be with that woman. And as you share your story, I hear you saying of like, who you need to become, what you need to heal in order to be the reciprocal match for a woman like Marina to show up 100.

And to add to that, it's like even the men that you think you're becoming, you will never know until you're in a relationship. Yes.

Yeah.

Because a relationship will show you where you are still becoming.

Yeah. Because to do all the work by yourself, to think that you're prepared and ready, you don't see that until the mirrors held up in front of you.

Exactly.

Yeah.

In other words, you're just limited by your own perception of what you have of yourself. Right. But it's when you're in that deep, intimate relationship where there's enough closeness where you can receive. Where you can receive actual information. And if you have the willingness to see it, because not everyone has a willingness to see it, but if you have the willingness to accept that your partner sees something about yourself that you don't see about yourself, then that. That in itself is what will require that. That is what in itself will allow you to continue to heal and grow in the relationship.

So now that you're three years in with Marina, if you were to have a conversation with Malcolm at the very beginning of that relationship, what. What would you tell him that you know now that you didn't then you.

Are so worthy of being in this relationship.

Mm.

Yeah. You deserve this relationship. And you are so worthy of not only receiving this relationship, but giving this relationship to someone else.

Love that.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's beautiful. And, you know, as you share a bit about your journey, I reflect on where I'm at. Just having been deep in the work for the last 10 years, identifying why I've never really allowed myself to open up, why my relationship never lasted longer than two years, why I was afraid to go all in, and just noticing. Acknowledging the patterns I inherited from my parents. Dysfunctional marriage, from shutting down my heart in my early 20s to also, as you said, you know, the casual sex for me was a distraction. It was a temporary hit of dopamine for me to find whatever momentary fulfillment there was rather than sitting in my own shit and just feeling the pain of my past traumas and experiences. I think that's what a lot of men do, right? Especially when they want to feel validated, when they want to feel worthy and feel like a man. You know, let me go out there and try to. To bang as many hot girls as I can. Right. And that's. That's what's created this imbalance in the world right now. That's. That's What I feel, you know, the work that we're doing is to help restore that balance of helping men to acknowledge your pain and trauma, helping to heal so they could feel safe with themselves, so they don't need to project or take that out on the feminine. Right.

Agreed. Yeah, I fully agree. Yeah.

Mr. Voy, you are eight months in at this point. How's it going?

It's going incredible, man. And I just want to touch on something you both said.

Please.

Regarding casual sex. Because when you ask the question of, like, what did. What did we do to attract the partner that we truly desire? I realized that one of the things for me was I was chasing chemistry over character, and I was just looking for that little spark that felt good. And I thought, oh, this must be it. Because underneath that spark, what I was feeling was a deep sense of loneliness. And just because it felt right, I felt like I needed to lean into it. So I would constantly just look for casual sex, get the hit, and then once the hit was over, realized that I was actually lonely by myself. So one of the questions I love to invite men who are looking for a relationship is like, are you okay? And do you feel like you can love yourself when you're by yourself?

Right.

So that's one of the things. And then in addition to that, I went celibate, which was, like, one of the hardest things I've ever done, because I was constantly in this pattern of seeking validation, sleeping with women, thinking I'm the man. And then when that was, like, cut and paused, I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. And through celibacy, I realized that actual. That the actual exchange that I was getting into was actually draining my energy. And then having me show up from this place of unworthiness, which is actually attracting women that are also replicating that energy. So when I stepped into celibacy and I went celibate for 12 months, I was able to realize how powerful sexual energy is within a man. That's number one. Which allowed me to cultivate a whole new frequency and gave me the power, because a man that can't control his own sexual energy is a weak man. And we see that with the porn industry, Right? There's a quote that I saw one time that porn steals a man's soul, it's because he's giving his energy away to something that's not actually real. Right? Same thing with casual sex, like, for the moment it hits. But is it truly the thing that we seek? Right. We're seeking deep connection, deep intimacy. And deep love. So when I went celibate for 12 months and allow myself to master my energy and the energy started to turn into like actual power, my own essence started to attract people, specifically women in my life who wanted that too. So the first invitation I would have for a man is like, are you capable of actually putting aside the casual sex and stepping in into celibacy. Celibacy to understand yourself on a deeper level. Right. So that'll be the first thing I would invite men into. And then the second thing that's coming also coming up also is I work with many six, seven, eight figure entrepreneurs and a lot of these guys, I ask them, I'm like, what do you actually value in life? And these guys have to take a moment and they're like, I value freedom, I value growth. You can tell right from the get they're not really clear and super clear as to who they are and what they value. So if a man doesn't understand his values and what he stands for, he's constantly going to get thrown around and he's not really going to have a standard to work from. So I tell men like, if you're seeking a partner, first understand what do you truly value so that then when you attract an individual into your life who doesn't match your values, it's, it's a clear note to keep moving it forward. But since guys don't understand that, they lean into something they don't truly value and desire and then they up leaving that feeling hopeless, feeling unworthy and like things aren't working out. So those are the two things I would invite men into looking into. I have plenty more, but those are first two.

Man. I love that. I love what you said about men who don't understand their values. What I'm also hearing is like a man who doesn't understand his values, that doesn't understand his value. Right? He doesn't understand his value and what he's here to offer into the world. And it's like it's more than you know, you're talking about six, seven, eight figure entrepreneurs or you know, and, and yes, it's great. You, you accomplish, you do so much. But then in the end, where is it, where's it actually coming from? Where have you created all of that from? Was it, was it actually from a place of worthiness? Was it from a place of fear? Was it a place of trying to convince other people to love you? Was it from a people pleasing aspect? You know, and it's like, it's so interesting that Even people that have created so much in their lives still don't really understand their value.

Right.

And what they're actually here to offer.

Yeah.

And I can speak to that from my own personal experience. You know, I had created multiple companies by the age of 40. And even though I was ambitious and successful, it was all again rooted in needing to prove myself. And I was actually very unintentional because if I look back, I wouldn't have created 12 companies, probably would create six, maybe. And I wouldn't have been so random with it. I would have had a plan. And to your point about knowing your values, if you don't know your values, who you are and what you stand for, you can't create a plan. And a woman wants a plan. She wants to know you have a plan. She wants to know that you've got a vision, you're working towards it every day. And you don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to already have made seven or eight figures to call in that queen. You just have to show her like, hey, every day I get up, I got a plan. And I'm working towards that each and every day. She can feel safe in that. She can then say, okay, I could see myself marrying this man. I could see this, I could see this man being my, the father of my children, you know, because if, and this is where you know, a lot of guys who I feel and you know, speak to myself as well. You've done the personal development work, you've done the celibacy, taking care of the mind, the body, but you don't have a plan. You're not rooted in your vision. And whether you're dealing with financial challenges, you're dealing with inconsistency in your output and how you take on life, any of that discrepancy is going to create self doubt in yourself. And if you doubt your own ability to show up, a woman is going to feel that even on subconscious level, and she won't feel safe to surrender. Especially if you're looking for a woman to really like, become your life partner and potentially have babies, they want to know like, hey, you've got it figured out and I can, I can surrender and feel safe with you. And that's where I feel. A lot of men, you know, they've done the work, but do they actually have the plan and the vision and know where they're going? And you know, it's actually something you shared the other day, which I loved in one of your posts, which is you Started to create the life.

Yes.

That your life partner that your future queen would want to be a part of. So even though she wasn't in your life yet, you already started creating that. So you were in that frequency where, when she met you, like, oh, okay, he's. He's got a foundation here. And that allowed her to enter into your life.

Yeah, absolutely, man. And. And one of the. The simple exercises that I would invite men to, that I did myself, is I take a piece of paper and I wrote all the characteristics, qualities I desired in a woman. And then I asked myself, where am I that? Where am I not that.

Yeah.

Because there's a lot of men that want a fit queen, but they haven't hit the gym since high school.

Yes.

Right. Yeah. So this is an opportunity to get really clear as to what do we truly desire and then see where the gap is for us to step into that so that we can call in a woman that's also at that same level, also desiring those things and be met.

Yeah. Yeah. One of my coaches, many years ago, because I've been on this journey to find my queen for probably almost a decade now, you know, she said, write down all the qualities of this dream woman. And now imagine who is a reciprocal match for her, who is a man that deserves to walk side by side with her. Because, you know, if I'm in clubs four nights a week, which I used to be. Yeah. Does a woman who's getting up at 7am to go do Pilates want to hang out with the nightclub guy?

Man.

Who's going to Coachella and going to Burning Man.

No.

You know, the type of woman I want to be with is intelligent. She's morals, values, she's taking care of her body. She's at the gym early in the morning. So where is my life out of alignment with this amazing woman that I want to meet. Right. And just by way of those choices, don't go out on Friday night, get up early, go hit that spin class, go for the run, do the Pilates class. You're going to have a better chance of meeting the type of woman you want to be with at 8am at Pilates than you are at 2am on the dance floor. Right. Makes sense. But, you know, for a lot of people, they don't quite connect. That. Yeah. So again, knowing your values and not knowing your values, what are the values of the relationship you want to create? Right. The values of the relationship. And how do you start acting in alignment with the relationship even though you don't know her yet even though you haven't met her, can you start acting like that man who already has her? Right.

Yeah. And I just want to speak on that real quick. You know, we speak of like, yeah. Creating those lists, which I did as well. And the very question I asked myself as well, am I all of these things. Right. And, but more importantly, what we have to remember, it's not a question of becoming perfect before trying to attract someone. Because I know that people with the wound of perfectionism are like, they're never actually going to take the first step to actually try. And what's important to remember is like, you don't need to be perfect, but having a plan, knowing where you're going, knowing what you're doing, knowing what you're about, can still bring a partner in your life that's going to believe in you so much and believe so much in the pine that that's just going to quantify and fuel you into your work. I know because this is what our relationship was. When Marina came into my life financially, I wasn't, I just came out of bankruptcy. I just lost my restaurant. And she, and, and she was aware of all my things. And I told her I was very forefront with her. I was like, hey, this is what's happening right now. This is what I'm dealing with. And, and I mean, but you had a plan. But I had a plan here. I had a plan.

And you believed in your plan and.

I believed in my conviction. And you know what? She believed so much in my plan. Even the moments where I didn't believe still kept, she still kept the, the, the fort. Right. She still kept the mantle. And she's like, no, this is what you're doing. And, and that just continuously fueled me into continuing to do what I'm doing today. Right. And three years later, we're, we're living in a beautiful home and we're, you know, going across countries. It's, it's beautiful and it, and it's incredible. And so there is power also. And again, not really trying to figure everything out before you're in a relationship because the truth is it's, it's a co creation. Yeah. So it's great to create all these plans. We have to remember that my reality will never be the same as my partner that's coming in. And so although she probably wrote a list of things that she wanted to track into her life and you did the same, you still have to remember that there's two different realities that are coming co creation together. And so the most beautiful thing that gets to be experienced in a relationship is knowing that my partner's coming in with a whole different reality than my own. And so in a relationship, I get to actually discover what that other reality is. And then the values that you spoke in a relationship to me are the agreements that we're setting forth so that both realities can coexist together.

Right?

Right. Yeah.

And you know what I'm also attuned to. I think there's a. There's a piece here that men get to lean into. And the core thing or the glue that I'm noticing, even when you were in the beginning of a relationship where, let's say, quote, unquote, it wasn't perfect, or you haven't built out the business or been in that place, you were in bankruptcy, the thing that I assume your partner saw in you was willingness. And I feel like if a man has willingness, and maybe he isn't at that place where he desires to be, but he has that. That energetic frequency of willingness that also creates safety and allows the woman to see that he's got that ambition, he's got that drive, and he's got that willingness to not only go create the vision, but look at his own shit, to face it, and then step forward for the relationship. Because one of the things I also learned in relationship, that it's not. It's not me or my partner, it's us and the relationship. And I look at the relationship as like a little kid. If the parents put in the time to raise this kid from the beginning and put in the values, put in the time, the effort into this child, he will then grow up into a human being who has those values and is able to show up in that way. And that's the same way I look at a relationship right from the get go. It's like, what do I need to put into the relationship to raise this relationship up and make it grow into something or blossom into something that I am proud of. And I think a lot of things that men also don't realize is that they lead the culture of the relationship. Men lead the culture in the relationship. And it's important for the man to be able to do the work so that he can create the space and invite healthy, conscious communication, step into clear and concise agreements, step forward and set boundaries before they're broken, and then stepping in and like, projecting onto. Onto the other person, right? So the willingness and the opportunity to create a relationship that then is funneled into something beautiful that grows and flourishes into the thing that we desire. I think it's important to keep in mind and looking from that perspective into the dynamic. Right.

Yeah. Willingness and willpower. And, but, and, and one thing, if I come back to my experience that Marina really saw me and you know, even after three years, something she keeps repeating to me is how consistent I am. Because consistency in a relationship will build trust. But more importantly, consistency with yourself builds and breathes mastery.

Integrity.

Mastery. Yeah. And integrity and all.

Integrity. Yeah.

So the more consistent I am in how I show up, the more I'm building trust with my partner.

Right.

So a lot of, a lot of. I work with a lot of couples. I look with a lot of men who are married or breaking divorce and separation and they're like, yeah, I got to rebuild trust. And I'm like, well, the key here is consistency.

Yeah.

And so consistency is not only in how you're going to provide financially, materialistically, or it's also how you show up emotionally. But, but in, in terms of relationship. Yes, gym, all these things. But it's also how you show up emotionally in the relationship. Right. If you're committing to doing check ins or emotional check ins where you're, you're, you're just tuning in how both are feeling, you got to make sure that you're consistent in that because the second or the day where you've made the promise that you're going to be consistent in it and you don't do it, you break the trust again. And yeah. So consistency is so, so important in relationship. And yes, it builds safety, integrity, mastery, all of it. So the more consistent we are and how we show up in a relationship, the more the dynamic continues to grow. And what you said, maybe it reminded me of actually the poem from Khalil Gibran on marriage. And there's a part towards the end which is my favorite part, I don't know about heart, but he speaks of how, you know, technically, I'm going to paraphrase this, but he technically speaks of how a relationship is a temple. Right. It's a temple. And we are both the pillars of the temple. And what's beautiful about these two pillars is they're not, they're not, you know, so close to each other. There's actually space in between, but they're still the ones that are holding the temple. Right. And so it's important to come in understanding that the relationship, yes. Is actually the temple that we're holding. And so how are we nurturing, how are we taking care of it? How are we showing up for this temple. Right. How are we cleaning it? How we can. You know, how. How are we actually devoted to this temple? Right.

Because how are we working as a team.

Yeah.

To build this temple? Because I think, like, one of the common dynamics I see in relationships, and this is myself, is that whenever I would feel triggered and I feel like there was a problem in the relationship, I projected it onto my partner as opposed to looking at it from the perspective of, like, okay, there's a disconnect here and there's a problem. It's not me versus my partner. It's my partner versus the problem. Right. So we, as a dynamic, get to now look at the partner and solve it together, which creates more intimacy, trust, love, and allows us to continue building that temple. Because I think a lot of people. Look, it's like, it's me versus you, especially in disagreements, but truly, it's you and I versus the disagreement.

Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful way of looking at it. And, you know, to what you spoke about with the discipline, the integrity, the consistency. You know, for a lot of guys, that might sound like a lot of work, but it is that daily work you do to make it easier in the long run to have more flow. Because when there is that trust, when she does feel safe, she can surrender. And. And as you said, you create the culture of the relationship. Right. And I think with a lot of men, because they don't trust themselves, because they're easily distracted, whether it be social media, porn, video games, junk food, whatever, they can't maintain the discipline within themselves. So to your point, Reena witnessed you. She saw your consistency. She knew your character. And even when you didn't believe in yourself at times, she believed in you because she saw who you truly are. And that's why I think for men, it's so important to stick to your word. Do the hard things really understand the definition of integrity? Embody that in every way. As they say, how you do one thing is how you do everything. And your wife will pick up and notice when you're cutting corners, when you don't do what you said, you know, and all those fragmentations of your trust will ultimately lead to her shifting to her masculine, shifting to her not feeling safe. And that's the beginning of the end. And. And in a lot of relationships, of marriages as well, with clients that are starting to consider separation, the man has let her down time and time and time again because he got lazy, he got complacent, and ultimately things got to a place where she just. Her needs changed, you know, and that's, and that's a major, that's, I think, the biggest issue because they also don't have the tools to communicate and talk about these things.

Right.

Because we're not taught that.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's why learning about conscious communication, learning how to express yourself and create a container with, hey, we can sit down and have an open, vulnerable, authentic conversation and not be triggered by, not walk away angry or agitated.

Yeah, correct. And what I see the most in relationships, especially with the couples that I work with and the people who come to me and, and speak, speak to me about some of these issues, is that when, when couples or relationships come to a point where there is fracture happening, where there is possible separation happening, it's like, it's so crazy because the biggest fear that a man usually gets in those situations to lose his wife, but what he doesn't understand is that all of his unconscious patterns and all of his behaviors are creating the self fulfilling prophecy. And the, the man who fears losing his partner, his wife will end up pushing her away if he's not aware of what's actually happening. Right. And, and I would say 80% of the men that come my way that are struggling with this, they just can't see what unconsciously they're creating or what they're. What, what. Yeah. What they're putting into the relationship. Right. Such as, you know, their partner just trying to emotionally share something that's happening or experiencing automatically a man's going to take it as an attack. Defensiveness is going to come up. He's going to, he's going to push her away. He's going to, he's going to start, you know, trying to yell, try to fix it or any, any of that, when in that moment all she needs is to be heard and listened and felt. Right. And that's, that's one of the biggest issues that are happening in our world. And this is, this is the biggest, I would say the biggest dynamic that I've seen in relationships. The biggest codependent patterns that are happening is a woman not feeling safe and a man not feeling worthy. Because ultimately a man's wound of unworthiness or shame of feeling unworthy is going to create the very distance and separation, defensiveness and trying to fix. Right. I'm trying to fix because I want to be worthy or I'm not worthy enough. So, you know, this is, this isn't going to work and all. And while this is happening in a man's container, in a man's inner world, a woman's inner world is going to. I don't feel safe. And so both of them are actually being experienced what they fear the most, which is one, I'm never going to be safe in this relationship and I'm never going to be good enough for this relationship. And so it's so interesting how this dynamic is huge and collectively there's so many people that are going through this. But what we have to understand more than anything is that when these dynamics are at play, it's not about your partner not bringing safety to you necessarily. And it's not about, you know, your partner making you feel unworthy. It's knowing that the root cause is already there. I don't feel safe in my body and I don't feel worthy in my body. I don't feel worthy about who I am. And now we're just projecting that in a relationship and it's like this never ending cycle.

We've been talking a lot about being in relationship and, you know, the ways to navigate different conflict. And deep in the connection. I'd like to shift gears for a second because for the guys or the women who are watching who aren't in relationship, I want to talk a bit to the challenges that men and women are dealing with just in the initial dating stage, just meeting someone that could be a potential match. Because you know, what I hear from a lot of my single guy friends is they're even afraid to approach women like they approach women in a social setting, whether it be at the gym, whether it be at a restaurant, a bar, on the street, and they just get shut down. It's like the women just don't even want to engage in any way. And I get it because women are, I get it because women have been dealing with men hitting on them since millennia. And often men can come at it with the wrong energy, come at it from a way that might be threatening or offensive to them. And if a man can't even approach a woman and initiate a conversation to start developing some sort of connection, nobody's going to end up in relationship. You know, it's going to happen by way of introduction or you know, what not. I mean, the reason why apps are so popular right now is because people just don't know how to actually go out and meet members of the opposite sex anymore. So I'm curious to know, like, what are some, what are some of the challenges you're hearing that men you work with are dealing with that when it comes to meeting women, engaging and just even trying to get the first date.

What I see the most, especially in men, is, is this fear of rejection. And just the fear of rejection in itself starts creating a mask. So these, you know, men who are namely afraid of being rejected by a woman, they're going to go through all of the textbooks, all of the online programs on how to date, on how to do this, how to pick up how to do this. And that just enforces even more masks. And the more masks we put, the less authentic we are, the less genuine we are. And if you're trying to attract a woman that's really in her heart and really, you know, really deep into, into who she is, that won't work with her because she's going to, she's going to smell you a mile away. And so I believe that the most authentic, the most powerful way to approach someone is asking myself, really, how authentic can I be in this approach? You know, how much of, of, of me can I just show in this approach? And although I might be rejected, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, rejection is only a redirection, right? Whoever rejects me or says no to me, hey, that's, that's. How much can I celebrate their no. Number one, it's like we, we take these nos so much as we make it about us, right? I make it about me. When someone says no, it's like something's wrong with me. I'm unworthy, I'm not good enough. Which again, just reinforces this fear of rejection. So it's like, how much can I just celebrate this person's no, you know, if I approach a woman in the street and, you know, I start a conversation or whatever it is, and if she has no interest whatsoever, how much can I just celebrate that? Oh, wow, this woman's putting a boundary and wow, thank you so much. Have a beautiful day, right? And then, and then try again. But at the end of the day, it's about being authentic. It's being about being genuine. Because here's what I'm going to say. If you're putting up masks and you're approaching people and it works well, you're going to have to keep on that mask. You're going to have to keep on that mask in relationship. And then what happens is this is where people after six months, after the honeymoon phase are like, whoa, who the are you? Right? Because the, the masks can no, can no longer be held. They're, they're falling apart. How much can I approach someone without wearing any masks? Or, and this is why, again, doing the work is so Important because through this work is about unlearning and removing the masks that are not us.

Yeah.

I think also for me, something that was really supportive is that I feel like a lot of men because they have that underlying fear they attach themselves to the outcome. Meaning if I see a woman that's attractive and I want to go talk to her, I would typically be like, all right, well, I need to talk to her in this way so then I can get her number and make sure that I connect with her and do this, do this, do this. But because I attach myself to the outcome, I'm already trying to, like, formulate this into something that potentially might not work out.

Make sure you feel that.

Exactly. And she could feel that. Right. Buddha said, attachment is the root of the suffering. So the invitation that I would have more men who are looking to just explore and expand and connect to. Your point is just to go out there, have some fun.

Yeah.

Right. It's completely different when I go out to the gym and I see a man and I'm like, all right, let me go talk to this guy, because I'm curious what he's learning or doing about his physique. Right. There's no attachment to the outcome of, like, I feel like I need to get something from him or I need to connect. I'm just going, hey, bro, what's going on? Just checking in. Wanted to learn a little bit more about your workouts, to learn how I can get physique like that. Right. There's no outcome. The energy is pure, it's authentic, and I'm just being open to it. So how can we take that same pre frame and see an individual who we're attracted to and say, all right, I'm not looking to get her number. I'm not looking to get anything out of her. I'm just looking.

If I say I just want to have. I just want to get a physique like that, that's going to. Should we take that throwing.

Maybe not the physique one day, but yeah, just removing the attachments of the outcome. Because that essentially is just setting us for failure. Setting us up for failure. Right. So that's the invitation of affirmation.

Yeah. And working in nightclubs for, you know, 20 plus years, I used to see guys get rejected time and time again, and I just like, man, I never want to be that guy, you know, so there was.

And.

And I also the privilege where I obviously being in a place of authority with ownership, I was introduced to a lot of women. The truth is is I was very shy and actually didn't know how to go and approach and just talk to women because one, I didn't want to be rejected like those other guys. And then I didn't want to offend, I didn't want to like, you know, impose. But you got to be able to read and gauge as to whether or not this woman is interested in speaking to you or not. And for all the women watching and you know, and for all the women watching, this is very important. If you see a man and you think he's interesting, you think he's good looking and you would like to possibly speak to him, if he approaches you, if he looks at you, look back like, let there be some engagement. It doesn't have to be that you're fully throwing yourself at him. But a man is already questioning whether or not you want him to speak to you, that if he comes to you, he's going to get rejected. Just a little look back, maybe a little smile, at least lets him know, okay, I can go talk to her. Right? And I think women are so guarded, so protective that they, they don't want to give that little bit. And there has to be some give on either part. Men need to come at it with a playful energy, not trying to get somewhere. And women just need to be receptive. And even if you don't think the guy's interesting, even if he's not attractive, just be nice to him because you being nice to him gives him the confidence to go and speak to another woman sometime. Now, of course, the guy's being a total creep and he's just like, you know, bad energy. You could also let him know, hey, look, you know, I appreciate you come say hello, but I feel your energy is a little off. And I just, you know, I'd prefer some space to communicate because otherwise, you know, it's like that man's gonna walk away having learned something about what he could have done different.

Right.

And again, it just comes down to communication, just being able to authentically express what you're feeling and, and say it in a way with kindness and compassion.

Yeah. And I think also in addition to that, you spoke about consistency. And this goes back to like working out, for example. It's putting in the reps, whether it's. I was, I had a sales position. I remember when I first time I got into sales, I was freaking the fuck out because I was like, how am I going to do this? I feel like I'm constantly getting no's. This is not for me. But over time, as I put in the reps, I got a couple no's, a couple nos, couple no's, and then got a yes. And I was like, oh, okay, I see how this works. A couple no's, a couple no's, more yeses, more yeses. And then the, the ball started to roll. And then when I started to get no's, I didn't feel some type of way because I knew a yes was coming. Right, right. Same thing with the gym. If we're trying to build muscle, we go every day and put in the reps because over time we know as we put in the reps whether we have a bad workout soon enough we're going to grow. So for men who are looking to build that consistency and that confidence, it doesn't necessarily always have to be with a woman and trying to connect and get their number. A man can literally just go to a cafe and walk up to a woman and say, hey, I love your hair. Just wanted to compliment you real quick and say you look amazing and just walk away. Right. Just to get the ball rolling, just to put himself out there, just to build consistency so that he can get into the habit of speaking in a way that feels confident, true and aligned with his heart and not his mind. So inviting men into just practice and just go out and just speak to strangers helps build and put in the reps to become a man that can feel confident. And then when he sees a woman that he's truly attractive, he already has built enough of that confidence to go speak to her from a place of detachment and just be playful, be open and move from Eden. Grace.

Yeah. I think also it's really important to show in this world that relationships do work. And earlier you said something that's so important. You said, you know, there's like an epidemic or people are not coming together. There's no relationships, there's no data. And yeah, divorce, the divorce is on the high. Like all these things. And what that says to me more than anything is that there's a huge disharmony throughout, throughout the last few decades, if not hundreds of years, we've been just so disconnected from either the masculine and feminine.

Both.

Yeah, we've been so disconnected from, from the, from these primal and not only godly energy. And until there is no harmony within self, masculine and feminine, it's going to be hard to be in harmony with anyone else. And the truth is, is like, this is why showing the relationships work today is so important. And I was actually, I called Void the other day and I was just celebrating him and his partner. And just like, it's so beautiful that you guys are just sharing your love out there and it's. You're putting yourselves out there and just showing to the world because it's so important for people to remember that it is possible.

Absolutely.

And the reason why so many of us think it's impossible is because we've seen our parents fight, we've seen our parents create rupture. We've seen, you know, some of the most atrocious things that we could see as children and experience as children. So of course, we have this preconceived and physical and nervous system response to, like, relationships don't work. And it's also why we bring so much of what we learn from our parents in our current dynamic and relationships. And then furthermore, it's so much more important to remember that this is why we want to do the work. We want to bring harmony, at least for me, is about bringing harmony with myself so that I can experience harmony with another that is doing the same for herself. And what happens ultimately when we come together, man, woman, harmony, relationship, love. Well, we're bringing more safety into this world. We're bringing more love into this world. We're all bring more harmony into this world. And. And I believe that that is one of the solutions to this ongoing crisis. You know, it has to be. It has to be shared, it has to be seen, it has to be reminded that, hey, relationships actually can be safe. It can be safe, and you get to bring that within yourself first as well, to experience that safety and then being able to experience the level of safety with someone else. Because a relationship is not just us experiencing what, love and beautiful things together or dating or any of that. It's also us having to experience all the chaos, all the shadow, all of the unresolved wounds and all the programmings that are not a service to each other, ourselves. It's having to go through all of that as well, which makes it a really beautiful adventure, which makes it really exciting because now we're getting to explore so much together. Right. And so. Yeah, yeah. Just to share that piece.

Yeah, it's a lot of complexities to it. A lot of complexities. And it's, it's. It's. It's a journey. It's a journey that, you know, I'm. I'm inspired by witnessing your relationship navigating the travel, navigating, running your own businesses individually while taking on life and, you know, loving what you're sharing, celebrating. You can not Only you share your relationship, but you're also. You're almost giving the world, like, behind the scenes, like, insight onto how it came together, what needed to shift within you to create that. And I think it's beautiful. You know, I messaged you the other day to say thank you for what you shared, because I got something from it about building the life before she's present. And I feel that, you know, never before has it been more information, more courses, more coaches, you know, that can help people discover, like, what do you need to heal? Who do you need to become to be the reciprocal match for that partner that you desire and call in that relationship? And for anybody watching, if you're repeating patterns, if you notice you're dating the same person but in a different body over and over and over again, well, you're the common denominator in the relationship, and you need to take ownership for the fact that there are some unhealed wounds that keep showing up in these patterns that are following you from relationship to relationship. And it's. It's a hard reality to look in the mirror and say, okay, you know what? I'm broken in some ways, and I need to figure out how to put my pieces back together in a. In a more beautiful way that I'm whole and complete, rather than looking for that from a partner. And the reason why most marriages end up in divorce is because people haven't done their own inner work. They haven't healed. They haven't made peace with that inner child before they go and they get married. So what ends up happening is the man's broken inner child is marrying the woman's broken inner child, and then they're going to get together and have some children, you know, and it's just. It's a recipe for disaster. And that's why I think personal development, coaching, going down the spiritual path, whatever it is, you need to learn to heal and to overcome. It's so important. Otherwise, those same triggers and wounds are going to show up again. As we begin this conversation, you can do all the work on your own, but in relationship is when it all comes out right. So, you know, you're doing amazing work with the men and the women that you work with and your preparing men to be, you know, soldiers and to build that consistency. And, you know, it's beautiful. It's an honor to, you know, sit down, jam out with both of you before we wrap this up, because I. I know this is something that also is coming up for a lot of men. And given that you've been in your relationship and you're fresh to it is you've met the woman, you exchanged the numbers or the Instagrams or whatever. And now the dating begins. And one of the conversations that's coming up a lot is, well, how much should the guy give? What should she, what should he do? What should he pay for? What should she offer? You know, there's this whole discussion around should a man pay? If so, how often she pay, what should he pay? Like, what should the woman contribute? You know, so I'm curious to hear your thoughts on that because we're living in interesting times where, you know, some women want to be completely independent. They want to make money or more money than men do their own thing. Men, you know, are worried women are out there to use them. Women are gold diggers. They're going to try to like, fleece them for whatever they can, you know. So there's this again, polarity between the two of women wanting to be taken care of but also wanting to be independent and men wanting a woman that surrenders to them but doesn't want to be their sugar daddy. So I'm curious to hear your thoughts on that.

It's a very complex answer to give because. It's a very complex question because, you know, as you said, we live in interesting times where it's not all, it's not, it's no longer black and white. You know, I personally think as a man, it is a privilege and an honor that I get to provide financially for my partner. But of course, we got to that point where in the beginning I couldn't even do that right. So we had to add, we had the honest conversations like, hey, like, you know, she, she was clear about what she needs.

Can you just replay that conversation? Because there are men out there who are going through that and they, I know some men who won't even date because they won't even approach the woman. Like, I can't even afford to take her out to dinner. So I'm just not going to.

Again, how authentic can you be right from the get go? How true can you be right from the start? Because if you're still hiding things, that's what you're bringing the relationship towards. You're hiding yourself. You're not fully showing yourself.

Right?

And that in itself is manipulation. If you're not fully showing yourself to your partner because you're saying, oh no, I don't want to show this part yet, I'm going to, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to show it in six months. That's manipulation. Yeah, you're hiding something from her. And if she's doing the same, then she's hiding something from you. And this is why relationships don't work. Because we come in six months, two years, three years, and it's like, oh, wait a second, wait this. You never shared this to me. You never showed this to me. And so how authentic and true can I be from the get go? And I knew for a fact, like I stepping in a relationship with my partner, it's like, it was, you know, she shared, she was very honest from the start. She's like, you know, I'd like to be with a man that can financially provide and take care of me. That's important for me. And of course, I was brought up, I was like, well, you know, I'm, I'm literally commercial bankruptcy right now. This is the things that I'm going.

To now for a lot of men right there in that moment, they'd be like, screw that, I'm out of here. I don't want some chick who's going to be dependent on me.

Screw that, I'm out. But I'm like, no, you know what? Hey, here, here's. Thanks for sharing that. And I think, here's my situation. I think I. It was me first. It doesn't mean that she needs that right now. Right? She didn't say, I want you to provide for me fully, fully. Right now. It's like, or else that wasn't it. But in my mind, it would have been easy for me to think that because programming is of unworthiness. So yeah, yeah, I could have thought that and I could have said, no, fuck this, I'm out. No, I was authentic. How true and authentic can I be? How much can I just reveal myself? How transparent can I be in this very moment?

So how did you answer that?

I just gave it to her straight. It's like, hey, right now I can't provide for you right now. I can maybe in a year, maybe two years, maybe three years. But I mean, if you're willing to stay with me and see where we can go together, then good. And that's what it was when we got to a home where, yes, I can provide fully. And it's like, yes, I still have moments where, where it's like, it's a bit challenging. But no, I'm, I'm, it's a privilege, it's an honor that I get to do that, you know. And again, there are relationships where it's 50, 50 and they do all these things, and these are their agreements, as long as they agree to it. Yeah.

So, and that topic, that's important because the man's providing financially. You know, he's working, he's doing his thing. And a lot of times men feel like I'm out there, bus mask, working, paying the bills, and I come home and I'm not getting. I'm not getting value. I'm not feeling the reciprocity in that. Right. So obviously the man has his role of what he can do, woman has her role of what she can do. Obviously, being a mother, having babies, you know, all of that is a man is the most important job in the world that a man can ever do. But how do you feel a woman can reciprocate in a way that makes that man feel worthy and appreciated, that he's out there busting his ass, making money, coming home to provide with the understanding that she's going to. I'll let you finish that.

Two things. If you get to a point as a man where you're frustrating, you're resentful towards your partner because you feel like you're giving more than she is, then you're not expressing yourself.

Yeah.

Because the second that resentment is starting to build, you're not expressing yourself. You're not sitting down with your partner and actually starting to have an honest conversation around this or vice versa. Right. And so that's the first piece. It's sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation. And then how many times are you actually having an honest conversation with your partner? Is it weekly? Right. Is it two times a week? Is it once a month? Because at the end of the day, no one will know what you need if you don't express it. And a lot of men have become really great artists when it comes to hiding their truth and hiding their emotions or hiding what they feel. And we've learned to just build up resentment instead. And sometimes women do the same. So I think it's important for us to sit down and talk about what we desire, what are our needs and what are our agreements. Yeah, Right. If I'm a man that provides fully and wants my partner to be at home and to take care of the house and to take care of the kids and do all these things, that's an agreement that must be set. These are things that must be clearly communicated. If I'm a woman that decides to take the mantle of taking the money, of making the money, and I want my husband to take care of the kids at home, that's possible too. As long as the agreements are set, will that ever create a lack of polarity? Maybe, maybe not. But when these things moment and when these moments happen, how clear can we be, how truthful can we be, how vulnerable can we be and not hold on to things? And then while we're doing the dishes, we just, it comes out of nowhere. Yeah.

And to your point about agreements discussed ahead of time, that's one of the big ones with marriages, especially for guys that are maybe a bit more old school. Assuming that, hey, when we're married and we have kids, she's going to stay home and want to work. Sorry, when we're married and have kids, she's going to want to stay home and take care of them. She's not going to want to work. And then the kids come along and then 10 months into the motherhood, she's wanting to go back to the office and he's like, no, wait a minute. Like, that's, no, that doesn't work. But it was never discussed in advance. And that, that's a big one. Because if you as a man have expectation that you're going to go out, you're going to work, you're going to bring money home, your wife's going to be home taking care of the kids, take care of their house, that's a big one. Like, you got to have that conversation in advance. Especially during these times where, you know, the feminist movement is, oh, women could be out there at work and make as much as men. And not to say that they can, but if a woman's out at work making money, man's at work making money, then who's raising the kids?

Correct.

Right.

You want nannies, raising your kids, you want your kids at after school programs, you know, most of their childhood. I mean, yeah, for sure, for some that may work. But like you, you got to agree on that in advance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I fully agree. And there, there's much more to it. But yeah, yeah, because it's not black and white. You know, I was like, I keep thinking it's not like a fight.

Yeah. I think honestly one of the biggest question that before there's even agreements and communication that I constantly see working with men is asking themselves one of the most powerful questions is most men can't answer is what do I actually want?

Yeah.

And there's so many men that I work with and I ask them that question, I'm like, what do you actually want? And they have no idea. It's dead. Radio silence. So I think before even expressing, to have that communication, a man really needs to get clear and sit down and say, what is it that I actually want? Not what the society want now, what my parents want now, what my friends think of me. What do I actually want? Right. And that goes get. Going back to the core, into the truth of who am I as a man? What do I want? And then expressing that into the world with clarity, with conviction, and being met in that.

Yeah. Because again, going back, if you don't know your values, right, you don't know your purpose, your mission. You're just out there floating in life, right? And it's gone with the wind. And women don't feel safe with that. Other men won't feel safe with that. And. And you'll never achieve anything. Great. But again, in order to know your values and know your mission and who you truly are, you would be willing to take off the mask, look in the mirror, and ask yourself those hard questions and sit through whatever comes up, knowing that the only way to truly discover yourself is by willing to walk through the fire, willing to face the pain, the memories, all those experiences that have shaped you, and be willing to feel and process everything you need to in order to let them go, to come out the most purest version of yourself. Yeah.

100%.

Yeah. Well, gentlemen, I am, you know, grateful to be on this path with you both. I am honored to be able to sit down at the stable and talk about some things that, you know, are so important in today's society. And I appreciate both your wisdom and your knowledge. And I will say that next year when we do this conversation, I'm going to be sharing my wonderful relationship and all the things that I've learned by way of finding my queen. So, you know, I just want to say thank you both for your friendship. Thank you for your brotherhood and, yeah, just thank you for what you do in the world.

Thank you for your heart. Yeah. Thank you for your heart.

Thank you.

Yeah.