The Hard Truth About Modern Love Nobody Wants to Hear

Today I have the honor and privilege of sharing the knowledge and wisdom of my friend Nico Cannon, who is a best selling author, a writer, a coach and a facilitator of Ayahuasca ceremonies. He is helping men and women bridge the gap to discover what's missing in their relationships by using ancestral wisdom and practical coaching tools to help them to develop a deeper love and connection. Send it to all the men you know because this podcast is filled with nuggets of knowledge and wisdom that is going to truly change your lives. I hope you enjoy watching this episode of the Path Podcast. If you haven't yet, please hit subscribe, follow and drop a comment. Let me know what you think welcome to the Path to Purpose podcast where I share incredible conversations with amazing humans who went through a pivotal shift in their lives that have put them on their path of purpose, profit and impact. My name is Zarek Fatah. I am a serial entrepreneur and life coach. I went through my own transformational journey where I'm now committed to living a life of inspiration, education and empowerment. My intention is to share these conversations so they inspire you to also walk your path to purpose. What is the one thing men need to know to save their marriages?

They need to know that nobody's coming that is not anyone else's fault. That the very things that they resent and judge their wife for are things that I guarantee they will run into their next relationship. And ultimately that sooner or later they have to stop playing victims of my marriage is not what it is because my wife is like this. She treats me like that and take full responsibility for it to understand that nobody's coming. And not only nobody's coming, but the men they want to be, the life they want to lead, are on the other side of the work they are resisting doing that their wife is mirroring in such a crude way that they can't stand it. It's not that they cannot stand their wife. And you know, I spent over a decade talking to men recently divorced on the edge of divorce, their desire or their wife's desire. And it always amounted to the same thing. We don't divorce our wife or our husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. We don't separate from the other person we divorced the bundle of difficult emotions that we experience in connection with that person. So I'm never, ever running away from another person. I'm running away from myself. And I'm bound to run headfirst into that part of myself next time I reach the same amount of depth and love and vulnerability with another person. So like, sure, you know, divorce. Divorce her. Cut it out. And you know, you will see that person again in a few years in a different body. Nobody's coming one day. We have to look at them, look within and. And do the work. So I will say that, like, nobody's coming to save you. The only one that is coming, the only one that could save your marriage is the version of you you have been avoiding.

That's it. What is the experience or the challenges you went through for you to have this realization, because you've shared a bit about your past with me, about who you were being, the patterns you were looping, and your struggles in adversity. So who were you that had to learn these lessons?

So I've been on both sides of the spectrum, starting as a. Like, I was so shy, growing up and socially awkward, that one time I watched a movie, and there was this little kid that was kind of like a genie sitting in his head and building blocks and completely without friends and just awkward. And I asked my parents, what's wrong with this kid? And they said, oh, he has autism. What is that? Oh, some people, they have hard time being social in their minds. They have a big imagination, and they're often geniuses, but they don't know very well how to connect or relate to people. And I remember thinking to myself, like, I have that. I hope nobody finds out. I hope they don't take me to a doctor, because. But I grew up thinking I'm autistic. Like, to the degree that I couldn't even raise a hand to ask my teachers a question about something. If I had to ask them something, I will, like, nudge my classmate and bribe. And I was like, in my lunchbox, there were chocolates or chips. I was like, hey, I'll give you a bag of chips if you ask this question. And there were friends that said, like, all right. Like, give me the chips and they will ask it. And they thought I was silly. But for me, it was, you know, like talking to an adult, talking to a woman. No way. So I remember in my teenage years, early teenage years, I thought, I'm probably gonna die a virgin. That's how it was. So I remember I watched in the TV play where they say that if you. Like, if you lick your hand in this shape, it simulates making out with someone. Now stand in the mirror. Like, this is kind of strange. So that was, you know, that to illustrate the extent of that, for some reasons, I found myself with a girlfriend. And I came home thinking, like, we kissed. And I Came home thinking, like, that's it. I'm a realized man. And I even asked my father, dad, do people ever marry and have kids and die next to the first person that they kissed? And he looks at me like it's an innocent question. I'm 14 years old. And he's like, it's possible. It's unlikely. It doesn't happen very often, but, yeah, it's not very likely. People don't know themselves enough. Yeah, for some people, it has happened. And I remember thinking, I think that's going to be me. Just one woman. Not because I was so in love, but because I was so insecure. And I thought, nobody ever again is going to pay attention to me, so I better secure this one. That relationship lasted one day, and I was heartbroken, you know? And I think for a lot of men, I think people in general, but for men, heartbreaks kind of unleash something within us.

And we close our heart a little bit more each time.

Yeah. And I think the shame of being dumped, of not feeling good enough, which was packed on my own conditioning from childhood, my parents, whatever, but that. The way I coped with that is like, you know what? I'm never going to find myself in this situation again. And they were going to be the wimpy, weak, shy, vulnerable. Yeah, like, it hurts so bad that I'm like. Like, never again. That's not going to happen to me again. Then a couple of years later, I moved to Canada by myself. I was about to turn 17, and I thought, you know, in Colombia, I was. I was the nerd of my high school. Literally one year, voted the least likely to have a girlfriend. They did a survey with, everybody wrote, I don't think my name was even there. They just forgot, oh, yeah, Nicholas, he doesn't date. He probably. Who knows if he likes girls? He's just good student. That's it. So I moved to Canada and I thought, I'm gonna. I'm gonna show them everybody when I turn myself into somebody else and then come back and be this tough guy. That collided at one point with, Back then, the pickup industry. Ended up learning some of that, which was toxic. But beyond that, to compress things. And to answer your question, fast forward about a decade, a little bit less. I was working as a dating coach. I was being paid to travel around the world to give conferences on open relationships, on how I was the guy that spoke at different stages in many different places around how you have threesomes with your girlfriend, how you have foursome with three girls, how you become this sexually explorative kind of person. My identity turned into at that point, you know, taking steroids, 200 pounds. I got, you know, tattooed completely. And I was the party guy. I was literally the guy that some women will call and be like, hey, I have a girlfriend that has never had an orgasm. I talked to her about you. You want to help her? Like, sure, send her over. Or, hey, my girlfriend has never had a threesome. Do you have a girlfriend? You want to join? Sure. I was the guy that was down for whatever, and I thought, that's it. I'm the man. You know, I had a girlfriend at the time. We had an open relationship, and I found myself thinking, you know, I'm making good money. I was working as a dating coach, but also run a tattoo studio here in Toronto. And I thought, that's it. Like, I'm the man. I have a lot of money, more money than I had ever had. I have a lot of women that want to be with me. At one point, I was dating seven women at the same time. It was an apprenticeship. They all knew about it, and it was a lot of scheduling, but I thought, that's it. And once again, a breakup. The woman that was, let's say, like my primary girlfriend or the girl that I was actually in love with, she broke up with me. And it ended in a very toxic way. It ended exactly one week afterwards. After, in my mind, I had thought, I think I have this dating thing figured out. I think I understand women. Everything you need to know about making a woman attracted to you and lust after you and desire you. I literally had this thought, like, arrogance. I know everything you need to know about women. And life has its sense of humor, like, oh, do you? And then in a week, my whole world was turned upside down. I realized I don't even know anything about the woman I've been dating for three years. I don't know who she is. I don't know who I am either. In that moment, I realized, like, all right, I'm just as lost, if not more, than when I was a shy kid. I'm in way more pain. Where do I go from here? Because I knew I had so much resentment, so much bitterness towards her, I projected out on women. But I also knew that I wanted to fall in love eventually. I also started taking a lot more drugs. A couple of overdoses. My life started spiraling a bit out of control. Hanging out with shady people, getting into shady situations. And I would have ended up either dead from an overdose or in jail. From doing something stupid while higher on drugs and just anything but the life of the. The high school nerd. Good boy, mama's boy, you know, Anything.

To prove them wrong back home.

Yeah, yeah. And, and, and in many ways I realized like, this is not, this is not the life I want to live. Like I've lost myself in this journey. I don't even know if I ever knew who I was, but I could feel that this isn't it either. Especially at the bottom of that pain, which was, you know, it was a Saturday morning, it was probably like 5:30am the girls I had slept with, that I had recently met, they left the apartment. We, you know, drugs are like, I'm coming down from drugs, from drinking. There's no more alcohol in the fridge to keep partying. Everybody's sleeping, so I'm left by myself. And I remember a lot of my clients used to pay me cash for the tattoo business. So I had a bag full of just like tens of thousands of dollars. And I remember I would grab it to go out and party or like that was my budget for the night. And I remember, look like I'm sitting in my office. Next to me I have this, you know, like a good Colombian man, a bag full of cash. I've just had a wild sexual experience. I was just surrounded by a lot of people having fun and I'm just empty and miserable and still suffering from that breakup. And I realized like that I'm just consuming myself slowly. The pain, I don't know how to manage it. My whole life I have run away from feeling that I'm lost. My whole life. Like I will do whatever. Like I'm gonna be the hyper performing kid, best grades in university in school. So that it looks from the outside that I've got my together. Then in my 20s, I want to be, you know, the tough guy with the women and the parties. So it looks like I've got it figured out. I would do anything not to feel lost like that. I don't know what I'm doing. Because that was vulnerable and painful and just overwhelming. But that day I broke down. And I think for the first time in my life I was able to accept to myself, to stop bullshitting myself and accept two things. One, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I know what I want. I don't know where I'm going. I know it's not this number one. And number two, I need help. Like life broke me down. My arrogance, it humbled me. It needed me until I softened. And you know, looking back, I realized that the very first step to find ourselves is to admit we are lost if we don't take. And that's that. Most people never take it. They never. No matter how much pain throws at them, how much pain life throws at them, most people never get to that point. For me, it took a lot. But that day I real, I decided, you know what? I'm lost and I need help. And when that's sincere from the heart, life is listening. Life, God is so forgiving and so loving that it's just waiting not to rescue us because we're more powerful than that, but to co create with us. And the moment that, you know, we as his children say, like, I'm lost. I need help right away, right away. A friend called me, like, hey man, I'm running this men's retreat for the next. Anyways, this men's program, we're going to wrap up with a vision quest, which for those that don't know, Vision quest is four days and four nights fasting in isolation in the middle of the mountains. It's a rite of passage. You prepare for it. A shaman guides you. There's a lot of details around it, but you basically spend around 100 hours traditionally without, even without water, isolation, no contact, no distractions. It's usually just a hammock tarp. If you don't think you can stick around, you can ask them to tie you to a tree, but that's it. Nothing other than yourself and nature. And I realized that day that, you know, not only I feel lost and I need help, but I realized that I don't know myself. How can I love myself if I don't know myself? And if I don't spend any time with myself? I realized that as, as a man. And I think also for women, it is rare today's world, an adult that has spent, I would say even two or three hours fully with themselves in their whole life, counting out time as children. Like people say, well, I spend time with myself. I watch a movie, I meditate, I do yoga, I read a book. That's time, doing something, being with myself, just being. And I realized that I have not spent, like, not even in my mother's belly because there, there was a lot of stimuli and there's a relationship with my mother and whatnot. And I realized, no wonder I don't love myself. I don't know, like, no wonder I don't trust myself. How to trust someone I don't know, someone I don't spend any time With. So for me, it came out of that. That was the beginning of my whole journey. You know, I told my friend, you know what? I'm going. I need that. I need to know who I am. Who am I when there's no party, when there's no women, when there's no drugs? Who am I when I'm not the cool guy, when I don't play any role for anybody, when it's just nature and myself, my mind on myself and solitude. There's no food to hide in, nothing to do, and I cannot even move out of that circle. I was scared because I don't know. But also excited about the possibility of starting a friendship with myself and seeing, like, the truth of who I am. Because I was tired of running away from whatever was inside. Like, you know what? It may be painful, but I'd rather face it if there's the possibility of something different than just keep spiraling in these circles. So it took that. It took the edges of shyness and basically being weak and feeling like a victim and disempowered and being bent over with women, that's also why they didn't have relationships like a nice guy to being an asshole, to realize that first, none of those are true expression. But ultimately none of those are useful if what I want to create is a loving relationship with myself and with my woman.

Thank you for sharing that. Because there's so much in common between our journeys, the parallels between you not loving yourself as a child, feeling insecure, developing this, I'm going to show you improve them wrong mindset and creating this identity of who you thought you needed to be in order to be loved. And so many men, and women, especially men, because there's a standard, there's this expectation that we hold ourselves to, thinking we got to be strong, we got to be tough, we got to be sexy and attractive. We got to get the women, the money, the cars, the clothes, all the things we think we need to get in order to be a man. And we become this person, this version of ourselves. And then one day we realize everything we want is just beyond that person that is in our own way, which is us and that identity. And it sounds like you hit a rock bottom where you woke up one day and you realized you don't want to be this guy anymore. And it's in that moment that we have the option to choose. And to your point, most people won't choose. They'll continue to suppress the pain. They'll continue to distract themselves, to not face the darkness, to not face the bullying, the childhood trauma, the insecurities continuing to just distract and continue on. But the truth is, is that pain never goes away. And you could either choose to deal with it or life is going to force you to deal with it, because ultimately it'll come up. But the, the question is, do you want to deal with it now and enjoy the rest of your life free from that pain, or do you want to continue to make choices that are unconsciously impacted by the false self you've created, Living a life that's unfulfilled, looping the same patterns over and over again. And I think why most people are afraid to make that choice is because it gets harder before it gets easier. And once you choose and you begin the path, it's a never ending journey. You have to continue choosing to be in alignment, to be that man you want to be till the day you die. I see the impact you're making and how you're helping other men now step into their authentic self with integrity and confidence. So I would love for you to share a bit about that because I know there's many men and women watching and listening who are resonating with your story and asking, okay, well, what do I do? How do I change?

Yeah. So first you mentioned, you mentioned two things that I think are very essential that I just want to highlight because people may just listen and not. But no, very, very important, it gets harder before it gets better. Like you go to the gym first, you feel sore before you get fit.

Absolutely.

That's the way it goes. There's first the labor and then the child. And the beauty of being a mother. You don't get a child without the pain of labor. Such goes with anything in life. Any creation, us creating ourselves anew. The greater the creation, the greater the labor. If we reject that, then we're doomed. But what I think about, every time that things get hard, every time that life is testing me or I feel like, oh, is it really worth it? I could just be partying and chilling and no worry. I read somewhere once a quote that said, like, what makes you think that you were able to survive the pain that broke you, but that you will crumble under the one that heals you? And I think about it like, the worst is already gone. Yeah, the worst passed already. I'm carrying the love towers of like, the worst. Sure there will be challenges, but it's just upside from here. So I think that was, that was one thing that very, very important. And yeah, the second thing around commitment. Men are not Afraid of commitment. You know, a lot of women say, and one of the complaints that I used to get when I was dating Coach was, oh, men are scared of commitment. Men are commitment avoidant and whatnot. I'm like, that's not true. For hundreds, thousands of years, men have been willing to give up their lives for that which they were committed to. A religion, a political party, a country. Like, men willingly enlist themselves to go and get killed over what they care for. There's not an absence of the desire to commit in a man's DNA. Now what we're afraid of is enslavement. A lot of men confuse these two things. Like, oh, if I commit to a woman, I'm not going to be a free man. I'm going to lose my freedom. That was the case for me. Same with me. The first thing was realizing that my true freedom lied at the other side of my commitment. For me, it was realizing that sleeping around, being promiscuous was not freedom. Because when that wasn't happening, when I went into a club and women were not looking at me, or I was flirting and they were not paying attention to me, or when they left me for another guy, or when I went to another country where I was not seen as attractive, or when I didn't get that kind of validation, then suddenly I felt so much pain and anxiety and worthiness and like, I needed it. Like a drug, I need to be reflected. I need to reflect my value in a woman's eyes, in a pretty woman's eyes. I was a slave of that. A slave of my lust and a slave of my desire for approval, for validation. That's not freedom. Like, I had to realize that first and foremost, I'm not free. I'm. I'm a slave. How do I know I'm a slave? Because I cannot say no. I cannot just stop and be chill about it. I'm addicted, therefore, it owns me. I don't own it. So, which was difficult because I thought, I just get to decide when I sleep with someone just for fun. It's like, no, I don't get to decide if I cannot take a break from this for a year or say no to it. I'm owned by it. And understanding that commitment was freedom. When I committed to my wife, I was free from even the consideration or the choice of, like, what woman I want to go out with on a date. I want to sleep with. What's, you know, this constant analyzing and mentally grading. Is woman good for me? Or not all of that. Like, as men, we Spend so much of our energy scanning for potential partners, resources, time and money. Like seeing if it works. There's just so much of our energy and our life that is thrown into this. And if that's a full time job, if we do it often, then there's, there's a lot of our creative power that goes that way. Versus this is my woman. I'm her man. I'm committed. Therefore the alternative is no longer an option. Therefore I am free. I don't need to think again another time. I don't need to waste any of my resources into considering anything else. An alternative like that's it. This is something you asked me at the beginning. What's you know about men whose marriages are failing, like what to do? One of the first things is that my marriage works as a result of my commitment. My commitment is not the price I give my wife for being perfect or my marriage for being what I want it to be. It's like you're an entrepreneur. Like you know this a business is not going to take off unless you give yourself fully to doesn't explode. And then you're like, okay, now it's generating so much money now. I went up. No, that's. It's very rare that it happens that way. Usually you gave your. You're all in the face of challenges, of love, whatever, you pour all of your into it. And as a result of that, something beautiful happened. So. To circle back to your question first, understanding that commitment is freedom was the first thing that I had to reprogram in myself. Commitment is freedom, not the other way around. Number two, commitment in relationships also frees me, liberates me. And anything that I do can become a beautiful thing as a result of me being committed to it. Otherwise nothing happens but what lies underneath that. And the main commitment that I've had to take is we don't really commit to a woman. And this is something that I figured out the last couple of years. A man never commits to a woman. Also, a man is never afraid of committing to a woman. What he's afraid of is committing to the man he knows he needs to become for that to work out. Yeah, that's a big ask. That's a tall order for most men. So I realized it's not that I'm committing to my wife Anastasia. I'm committed to the man I need to become for this marriage to work. Which was a big jump from Fakaran Nicholas on King street five nights a week. It was a different man. Like this man could not have had A healthy marriage. He couldn't even have a healthy relationship. The results, the relationships that this man could have are not the same that this man could have. My commitment was not. Was never to my wife, but to myself. So for anyone listening to this, watching this, it's like, oh, should I commit to her? Should I commit to him, to this relationship? We don't commit to our relationship. We don't commit to another person. We commit to the person that we need to become or not. And.

And part of that commitment is the willingness to go deep within ourselves to see what part am I hiding and holding back? Because to your point, a man will sign up and go to war to fight a battle for what he believes in. But will that man open his heart? Will that man allow himself to be seen to be vulnerable, to express the pain that he's holding on to? Because as we talked about before, men will avoid feeling that pain and allowing themselves to connect to those emotions because that is actually scarier than going to war, right? Opening a business, doing all the things necessary to be a successful entrepreneur. It's in the head. It's not in the heart. Yes, you need passion, you need commitment, but there isn't the same fear there of telling someone your deepest fears and exposing yourself. And in my own personal history of relationships, I love being in love and I love being in a committed relationship. However, my relationship never evolved to the depth of a love that could lead to engagement and marriage because when challenges arose, I didn't know how to say, I'm feeling insecure, I'm feeling jealous, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling angry. I would just enjoy the good times, suppress the bad times, and ultimately get to a point. When the honeymoon phase was over, I would end it and move on. And then I would spend a year or two just being casual, having fun. And it's because through early heartbreaks, I made the choice. I made the decision. I'm never going to let anyone do that to me again. And I closed down my heart, and I would only love so much. I would only let someone in enough to have a fun, enjoyable relationship, but never got deep. And you know, you shared earlier about connecting to the depth within ourself and loving ourself, trusting ourself. We can't believe someone else would love us if we can't love ourselves, so we question their love. And even though I've had loving partners who have really given me their heart, I couldn't receive it because I couldn't connect to that depth of love within myself. And that commitment you speak of, in whether it be a marriage, a long term relationship, whatever it may be, it's, am I willing to show up for this person in a way that's going to cause me to look at all the dark parts of myself, all the parts of myself that I hide, that I'm ashamed of, that I feel guilty of? Am I willing to look in the mirror and confront those parts of me and overcome what I need to in order to allow myself to connect to this amazing human in a way that allows us to develop a deep, loving relationship that has infinite possibility. And that's been my own journey of realizing why I've chased for so much of my life. As you talk about dating multiple women and the date, texting, calling, all the games that we play, I've been chasing all my life, and then I've had these relationships in between. And for me, what really transformed my perspective on women and relationships and just what it means to be a devoted, committed partner is healing my relationship with my mother and realizing that the love and the nurturing and the safety that I didn't receive from my mom is what unconsciously drove me to receive the affection, the love, the admiration from hundreds of random women. And that has been my journey to heal that past with my mom and to develop a loving, caring relationship with her so I could feel secure and safe and now not need that from the external. So that, that for me and for, you know, any men out there listening or watching. If you're chasing, if you're on the dating apps, if you're dming, if you're doing all that, you know, it doesn't stop on its own. Getting back to your point about making a choice and committing, you have to look at why do I do this? What part of me is addicted to that dopamine hit of constantly wanting the attention of the feminine.

Yeah. Most importantly also, like, what do I really want and am I ready for it if I find it? Years ago, there was this man that he reached out to do some work together and he's like, man, he was an expat living in Medellin. So foreigner, women love him. Very popular on Tinder, goes on a lot of dates. But he's like, man, I'm kind of tired of this. I see your relationship. I want to build something beautiful with a woman. I said like, all right, are you ready to get off the dating apps? Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe after some time, I still wanna. Yeah, we can't work because you don't really want this, or else it would have been a clear yes. Like, yeah, like, I'm ready. I want. I want to find my woman. I'm ready. I'll do whatever it takes. Sure. I get off the dating apps. There's no commitment in. In his mind, it's like, yeah, I want to find a woman. But in the meantime. Like, there's no meantime. In the meantime, you're being. Who you're being is that guy who's caught up in that kind of mess, or not mess, that kind of exploration, the life experience, who you need to be to be a match. Like. Like a woman looking for a life partner. She's not. She's repelled by guys who are in this place.

Yeah.

So you don't get to be this guy and get these guys results. You don't get to be a player, a fuckboy and get devoted man's marriage, quality relationships. Like, doesn't work like that. You have to choose his case. He wanted his cake. And eating. Doesn't work like that. It reminds me of a story. There's a video online. I was laughing so hard when I watched it. It's in Spanish I watched a few years ago. And there's this lady, she's selling tacos in Mexico, and it's like five in the morning, and she has this tray full of tacos. Let's say she has probably, like, I don't know, 50 tacos. And it certainly takes her the whole day. She sells each for like $2. And then there's this guy recording, and they're in a little Jeep, and the driver is recording. And then the co pilot is talking to the lady, like, hey, how much? Each stack? And she's like, oh, I took dollars. And he's like, okay, how many do you have? She's like, I have 50 tacos total. And he's like, like, all right, give me. Give me all of your 50. I'll give you a hundred dollars. She's like, no, no, no, no, I can't. Like, why not? I'm just about to start my day. I still have to go all the way there. And he's like, how many can you sell me? She said, I don't know, maybe six.

Five.

He's like, I'll give you $150 for your tacos. She looks at him. She's like, no, no, no, I can't just. I just started my day. I still have to go up there and, like, sell them through the road. The guy like, I'll give you 200. She like, no, no, no, I can't. And he's like. And the guys are laughing, and I'm watching and thinking, you know, as a business person, you suck. And I'm laughing and I'm thinking in my mind, I'm judging here. I'm thinking, well, like, she's pretty uneducated, probably not very bright. That's probably why she's having tacos on the side of the road. I have my own judgments. And I'm thinking, like, how stupid you could have been done with it. Go home. You don't have to spend the next six hours of your day walking up and down the street hoping to sell all of your tacos. And then I remember that day, I went in a floating tank and I laid down and closed my eyes. And the first thing that comes is the lady with the tacos. And I'm laughing. I'm like, how stupid. And then something says, that's you. Like, that's not me. I will sell them right away. Like, no, you have your own version of those tacos. All these women, all these dating, all the drugs, all the drinking, all the partying, you're not ready to give it up. You think that you want. You think that this is a means to an end. Let's say, like, the woman thinks she's. This is my. Like, I just want to make a hundred bucks today. Like, not true. Like, she. Without the busyness of selling tacos the whole day, she doesn't. She wouldn't know what to do with her time. Her identity is so much being the lady that walks up and down the street that she can't find a day where she's not doing that, even if she gets to her result right away, even if she gets a greater result than she could have dreamed of. And then whatever my consciousness, whatever they say, like, you're. You say you want a relationship, but look back. There's a couple of women that you've met that were perfect fit, but you, no, no, no, no. You wanna. You still need to party. Like, very often. We're. We're like that. We're. We. We say we want something, but what we want is the experience of chasing it. A lot of men want. They say they want a healthy relationship, but they're addicted to the chase, to the validation.

It's like they need to feel chosen and selected over and over again.

And that's why when a woman comes and she's like, I'm ready, and they love her, they sabotage it like that. Like, no, no, no, I still. I still you have to. I still have to party. I have to keep checking my options for what? You're never going to choose. You're just afraid of what will happen when your life is void of all the ways in which you're hiding from yourself. That was the case for me. I committed to my wife. I came back to the city and all right, so what's the point of getting drunk and partying anymore? Of course, no dating apps. A lot of friends that I used to hang out with around that, like, no point. And I realized how much of my life was going to. That I didn't know what to do with myself. That's what I was running away from, hiding in dating, like, anxiety of not loving myself enough to enjoy my own company.

And I think if more men understood how juicy intimacy is, like really connecting to someone on a deeper level where you can be fully seen, you can allow them in and let them love you with all of your imperfections and create from a place of your true essence together. It is, it's incomparable to getting, selling two tacos, four tacos, one taco, six taco, here, there, you know, for those little dopamine hits along the way, wasting time versus going all in, selling all tacos, getting double the return and building something significant and again going back to the intimacy. Into you, me see into you, into me, you see, with the intimacy. If you're not ready to let someone really see you, you'll never cultivate that depth. And I feel that is the biggest missing in dating right now. It's so easy to just double tap, swipe dm. There's no investment of time, no investment of emotion and connection. You know, we're more connected now than ever before in human history, yet we've never been more disconnected. Dating is very challenging. You know, I was speaking to a gentleman I work with who's 30 years old. He's having trouble dating. You know, there's a statistic that says 50% of men under 24 have never even been on date or had like, physical contact with, with a woman because they're smoking weed, playing video games and watching porn, you know, So I feel that dating, whether you're in your 20s or 30s, whether you're in your 40s and even 50s, it's never been more challenging. And I think again, part of that comes down to even if it's a simple date, can you connect on a real level where you're creating the foundation based on authenticity, not on projecting who you think you need to be for them to Be attracted to you because you got two people showing up on a date, projecting this image, saying the things, doing what they feel they need to do to be accepted, and wonder why you don't feel a connection or a spark, Right? Unless it's just two people who just want to have sex and hook up. And, you know, I don't even know if people are still doing that. You know, it's. It's. It's never been more challenging. So, you know, you having been, you know, the. The player, having been the dating coach, now a committed man helping other men and women improve their relationships. I'm curious to know, what do you see the biggest challenges in dating and finding a life partner are, you know.

During these times, the biggest challenge in dating is for sure that idea, wrong idea, that has spread unconsciously around perfection and who a woman should be. We go on Instagram and they're all fit and perfect and always happy and always traveling and, you know, that's it. Or the man is always making business.

Deals and hitting flying private jets and driving Ferraris.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And for sure, this is the reality of some people, but it's just a part of that reality. When I met my wife, she had just exited the modeling industry in Russia. She was a supermodel. She was in Milan's Fashion Week. She was, by many people's standards, the epitome of beauty. She was the pretty face for Nivea. And I think the first time that we were walking around in Russia, she's like, oh, there's my face. You know, billboards and different things, I'm like, oh, she's known here. One of the things I struggled with the most was her humanity. Suddenly, she's not this pretty Russian woman that is supposed to fit my fantasies of the perfect girlfriend. She's got her shadows, she's got her trauma, she's got her shit. She's got her needs, her wants, her own kinks around connection, her own fears. So many times I wanted to exit because of that until I realized, like, actually, we have been. We are so disconnected from our own humanity, our own emotions, especially the difficult ones. They're so suppressed that we carry, or a lot of people carry, this unrealistic ideal of what a relationship should be. So the moment it gets a little tense, they eject, thinking that it'll be.

Easier to start with something new.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is just not the person for me. It's like, whoa. Like, really? Are you sure? Or it sparked emotions in you that on your own, you suppress. Right? So the biggest challenge is that because of social media, there's this mental image of what men and women should be, what relationships should be, that is so far off. So people go into relationships with big expectations of whom the other person should be for them. Not how I'm going to show up, but who that person should be for me. Big expectations paired with a fear of witnessing their humanity and showing my own. You know, we all. We all want, or a lot of people want to live an Instagrammable life, and they think the relationships should always. Should also be like that. So I'll say this is. This is the biggest challenge that most people are probably chasing. A false ideal, a romanticized ideal. Not to say that relationships cannot be beautiful and one of the best experiences that we can share with another human being. A romantic relationship. If you ask a healthy mother, she'll say that being a mother is probably one of the most meaningful and transformative experiences of her life. And if she's honest, she's also. She will also say one of the most difficult, painful, excruciating anxiety, evoking it was all of it that made it beautiful. But we forget that with relationships. We. We think we're just going to get the pretty side of the coin or we get to ignore the shadows and. And. And this. This is what gets in the way. Because people don't give themselves a chance or others a chance, because the moment it gets a little tense, the moment it's not what I see on Instagram, the moment it's not what TV has sold me or people, then I'm out. I was selling number one. Number two, we have more distractions than ever before, meaning we spend the least amount of time with ourselves of, like, of all generations ever, at least. You know, like, growing up, I didn't have a phone until I was, I don't know, my late teenage years. You. You get to feel bored. You get to like, oh, why? What am I going to do with my life today? You get to stare at the ceiling. Like, I knew my room inside out. So many days that I spent looking at the walls and the paint and, like, I knew where I lived. I knew how my nails look today. There's just so many things that we've become desensitized. We're so numb because of how much stimulation is coming to us. So I would say this is the second challenge that we're so disconnected from.

Our life.

That for most people, they don't know what they want. Truly beyond someone attractive. All right, sure. Someone healthy and attractive. Cool. Beyond that most people don't know, like, what are my non negotiables? What are my needs?

What are your values? You know, how do you know who you want to be with for the rest of your life if you don't even know what you stand for? Because what are your values that are important to you? What are the values you want in a partner? And ultimately, what are the values of the relationship? And if you never spend time with yourself, asking yourself those questions and how do you know what you want to create for your life? And you know, just going back to the point of walking away when you find the flaws and the perfect Instagram images shattered. I heard something once that really, when I heard, I was like, okay, yes, that's what's been missing for me to True love is loving all parts of the person, even the parts that you don't love, loving their humanity, loving the parts of their shadow that may trigger you, may upset you. Can you embrace those parts of them as well and learn and grow together through that? Because in the beginning of the relationship, we want to project all of the best qualities. We want to convince them how amazing we are and that we're perfect in every way, but we're not. And in time, the flaws, deficiencies are going to surface. And if you start to see that in the other person and then you realize, oh, wait a minute, this isn't what I signed up for, you're going to move on. However, if you stick with it, you learn the lesson, why does these qualities trigger me? Why do these qualities upset me? Why am I not attracted to these qualities? What is there for me to learn in this? That is the growth, that is the evolution that is working through. And this is what I wasn't able to do. I wasn't able to say, you know, babe, when you do that thing, it actually makes me feel pretty insecure and it triggers my jealousy. And let's talk about why that's coming up for me. Because it has nothing to do with her. It has to do with my own story, right? As you know, relationships are the greatest mirror and container for personal growth and development. And like many others, my relationships never evolved because I wasn't willing to look in the mirror and face what was being shown to me. And that, I think is the biggest missing is when people aren't willing to do their work individually and together. And that I've seen be the biggest downfall of many relationships as well, is one, one partner starts to do the work, starts to face their shadows, and the other partner isn't there isn't willing to. So going back to your point of commitment, I'm committed to doing the work that I need to do to show up as the man that my partner needs to. But is she committed? And are we committed to also do the work, to be. Become the couple that will grow and evolve together? Because otherwise you outgrow your partner. One day you roll over, you look at him or her and you're like, why are we even together? And that requires trust and courage and the willingness to be committed, to go to the depths of the darkness and hold each other through that.

For a relationship to be beautiful, to be sacred, passionate, both. Both people have to be super involved and committed. That being said, in my work, I've noticed especially a lot of men are often like. A lot of men are often waiting for their wife to lose some weight, to get a bigger ass, to get a little bit more fit, to change her hair, to. To become a little bit different before they're ready to. To love her better, before they're ready to be better. Boyfriends, husbands, they're waiting for their wife to communicate things in a bit more loving way, to be more conscious before they're ready to step up. What I've seen over and over and over in my own marriage and with my clients is that the beautiful thing about commitment is that first and foremost, it transforms the person that embraces it. But I've seen, sometimes it is magical, sometimes within myself, I have committed, you know what? I'm going to be this kind of man for my wife. I'm going to stop lying. I'm going to be open. I'm going to face the facts, I'm going to open my heart, I'm going to stop judging about this, this and that. Like, really, I've resolved, like, this is it, like, no more, no more of that. And before I have even mentioned anything to her, before she has done anything, just the way that I'm being, the way that I'm showing up instantly.

I've.

Been surprised because, like, who is this woman? I instantly get a different wife and therefore a different marriage, even though she hasn't been doing the work, quote, unquote, right? So it's like an employee shows up to the business and the employee that is like, ah, you know, it's almost 5:00pm all right, 4:59. See you vows. Bye bye. And the one that is like on time in integrity, you know, walking the extra mile, like, really showing up for the team, being a good leader, being a good employee. Both of them have the same boss. But the relationships are so different. Why? Because one's commitment is in our commitment, we create the other person, who they are to us. My commitment, I create my wife. That elevates her. And of course, there's only so much I can elevate my partner through my own sheer power and for like, creative force. Ultimately long term, you know, it's like a spark. Like if the other person is not ready to catch their own fire, I'm just gonna drain my fuel on trying to get into, to ignite those things. So people have tried it and I've seen it. It fails 90% of the time when one partner is really, really, really devoted to doing their work and the other one just doesn't care for it. Because then this person starts being very mindful about how we communicate, how we don't avoid difficult emotions, Very mindful about language, very mindful about intentions, division. And this person doesn't care for it. Eventually this person is going to feel annoyed by this one, and this one's going to feel resentful. I think it was Mark Twain that said, never try to teach a pig how to sing. It will frustrate you and it will annoy the pig. And it's crude, but in relationships, most people are trying to teach a pig how to sing and frustrated about it. It's like at one point, like first commitment, you know, to any man watching this was having a trouble in the relationship and they're trying to figure out, is my wife, am I trying to teach a pig how to sing, or is it me? I would say, like, first take yourself out of the equation. How? First assume that it's 100, your fault, your, your responsibility, your problem. It's on you. First assume that she's a perfect being and that if only you showed up better, you have a completely different marriage and wife. Assume that it's all on you. Show up like that. Minimum six months, a billion years taking ownership from that place. Ownership. It's all on me. The way her nagging, her complaining, everything. I don't like that she's bringing to the, to the table. I've planted it somehow, consciously or unconsciously. Just assume as an exercise and see most men realize six months into it, I have a different marriage. She's like, she's so beautiful, she's loving. Oh, then it was you. Now if you show up from that place and she's still nagging, what not now you, you know for sure. Now you can live with dignity and honor. Now you understand that. You know what I'VE given, I've given you my all. And. And it doesn't work. But most people never reach that point of certainty. That's why people stay in relationships for years. Should I stay, Should I go? Because they never, they never commit and they never exit. But I believe wholeheartedly that to have a clean exit.

Yeah.

Who total awareness that this needs to end. I must have first committed. Otherwise I will never know for sure if it was her or it was me.

Yeah. And then you could at least walk away with peace of mind, knowing, like, I gave 100%. I did everything within my power and the pig wouldn't sing. It is what it is, right? We're all on our own journey and we can't force people to do the work. All we can do is inspire them by being the change and hope that they choose to make the changes for themselves. Right? So I'm sure, you know, many men and women are listening or watching this podcast and, and questioning what can I do to step up? What can I do to commit to change? So I would love for you to maybe share what are some of the tips or resources or any guidance you may have for men listening who are wanting to really commit to finding their partner or deepening their relationship with their partner and creating a new depth of love and connection in their marriage or relationship.

So for those who are in a relationship, men or women, I would say very easy. You need to put your ego and your arrogance aside and come to your partner really wanting to know the answer to this question. You come, you ask them, In what ways could I show up better for you? In what ways could I be a better partner? And in what ways am I showing up right now that are bringing pain or friction to a relationship that I may not see? And you let them know, like, I want to get this handled. I'm willing to do my work. Do not hold back. Like, I will listen to it. I. I won't judge you for bringing that. No matter how painful, how difficult it may be for me to hear. I want the truth. Your partner will tell you because they know you. They are there with you, and they know the stuff that bothers them, which is very likely to be the thing that's going to bother the next person. The next person. If you decide to divorce, separate and go so you can start there, they're going to give you a list of the most pressing points that you could take care of. Now, your job lies in hiring a coach or figuring out by yourself whatever it takes for you to commit to.

Being that and receiving it with humility and being willing to actually now respect and honor what they've shared with you.

Yeah. That was essential. Otherwise is otherwise they'll resent you more.

I told you what was wrong. I told you what you needed and you didn't do anything. You know?

Yeah. It requires humility, requires saying like, hey, I'm. I know I'm not the perfect partner, but I want to be.

Yes.

And I'm committed and I need your help because you know me and there's parts of myself that I don't know because they're my shadows.

Yeah.

And turn the neck far enough, but you see them all the time. So you know, you're my ally. Let's co create this. But I like you help me with my blind spots. Of course. A great relationship is where then you can take the turn and tell that other person that you can listen to it with an open heart. Now that's for people who are in a relationship, people who are single. I think a place to start, especially for men, is that, you know, we, we have a lot of demands and the kind of woman that we want.

We have this checklist there, all the criteria.

I used to have six pages written down fully of everything from her height, her hair color, her eye color, her boob size. Like, because this says you have to visualize, you have to interior, you have to be specific. I'm like, every year I will add on the very first one more page. I just want to be more specific. Until I realized actually better use of my time would have been. And for those who are single, it is men or women, especially women, because women are. I've seen this in my career so much. Women are so entitled to a man's provision, immense care, immense desire that they don't have the humility to figure out in what ways they're not deserving or have not earned it.

Yeah.

And this and this and this will upset a lot of women because they're entitled.

Yes.

As many women think that all men should be masculine providers, leaders, 6 foot.

4, you know, making 300, 500K a year. You know, they got this crazy list.

Yeah, there's all these things.

Yeah.

And more. And emotionally mature and connected to his heart is like, all right, sure. What are you bringing to the table? Do you, do you have the qualities that that man wants in a wife or for men, you know, okay, like, all right, you want the fit woman with the toned body and healthy environment and wild. But you're full of cheetahs and a beer belly. While playing video games. Like, dude, come on. So you make a list of the kind of partner that you want, but that's the middle step. That's not the end step. And then. And then based on that list of. On every quality, what do you imagine a person like that will value? A woman like that will value. Oh, she's fit. She has a nice ass. What do you imagine she values? A man that cares for his health and that works out and is fit.

Yeah.

Athletic or a man. Oh, I want a man that. That. That is generous, that is supportive, that is a good provider. What do you imagine that man values? That kind of man values appreciation, respect. She also values being supported, meaning his relationship is not getting in the way of him producing, which a lot of women do. They find a guy that's making money and they become a stone in his foot. And then they're surprised that the guy starts pushing them away. He's like. Like, come on. You're getting in. In between a man and his purpose. That's not a good place to be. It's like between a bull and a red piece of clothes. Like, you get out of there. You want a guy that is on a mission. There's a different kind of woman you have to be.

Yeah.

I'm saying better or worse. But for. For single people, you get very clear about person you want to be with. And crystal clear. What do they value? And that's your list. That's. That's your homework.

Yeah.

The next year. That's it. All right. How you look at all the areas in your life where you are not being that. Where you're not being appreciated, of the men that are already in your life. Somebody carry your back. Somebody opened the door. You just take it for granted. Thank you. Means a lot to me. Yeah. Where you're not supportive of the men of your life. Maybe it's your father. Maybe it's a friend running a little get together. He just launched a little music album. You want your support.

Yeah.

Because you're not. Not. Not because you have to do it for him, but because you're becoming the kind of woman that is supportive, is appreciative. Because you're becoming the kind of man that takes care of his health, that is organized, and you don't have to go on the dating apps. And I've seen this with clients, with friends. You start to get these things crossed off the list of who do I need to be? The person shows up.

Yes.

They move in next door. Somebody invites it somewhere, and that person sits next to you in the dinner party, you're hitting the gym and you're using the machine that they were just using. It will happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The advice I was given by one of my coaches, which I share because I took it to heart, is rather than looking for the one, become the one. Because as you said, you know, you start improving your health because you want to be with a healthy woman or healthy partner, you start going to Barry's boot camp at 8am There's a higher chance you're going to meet someone who's aligned to the health and fitness at Barry's at 8am than going to the bar on King street at midnight. Right. And just to touch back on what a man values, appreciation from a woman. And to all the women watching or listening out there, when a man takes you out for dinner, when a man buys you simplest, whatever, an ice cream, whatever it might be, a coffee, say thank you twice, say thank you when he gets it for you, and say thank you at the end of the night just to thank you. That smallest bit of appreciation goes so far because a lot of men, especially successful men, men with money, we have this belief that women these days feel entitled because they look good, because they're fit, because they got nice butt or boobs or whatever. You know, they spend so much time and energy looking beautiful that they deserve all these things. Don't get me wrong, a woman deserves to be taken care of. A woman deserves to be provided for. Why? Because one day she'll be a mother. She has to go through things men will never have to go through. So, yes, you do deserve to be taken care of, but not just because your value is on your aesthetic and that you are entitled to all these free things because you're beautiful, because your beauty will fade. What is the deep intrinsic value you bring to the relationship that a man, a high value man that spends time working hard, working out, educating himself, being the best version of him, what are the things that a man like that will value that you have to offer? Because the external, the superficial, all of that, it fades. So for the women out there, yes, it's important to take care of yourself, to look beautiful and to, you know, present yourself in an appealing way. But what's most appealing and long lasting is a value that you cultivate within yourself and morals, your principles, your ability to contribute to a high value man's life and appreciation. Thank you. Reciprocity in even the smallest way, just to show, like, hey, thank you, I appreciate you. Maybe you can't afford to take your man out for a fancy dinner, cook him dinner, have a nice home cooked meal. You send little notes that just say, I appreciate you. The smallest things go so far. And I think that's a big missing, you know, and it's so easy to help a man feel like a king with those simple little things, you know, And I'm just sharing that because it's what I've experienced in the last few years with dating. I've had some women that have done that and it feels amazing. And then I've had a lot of women go out to dinner, spend a few hundred bucks, you know, drop off no thank you. Like not even a thank you. Like I just spent four hours with you and not even a thank you. Like, wow, you know, so anyways, I'm venting a little bit, but you know, you've shared a lot of amazing knowledge and wisdom and you've shared a lot of your story. And again, so many parallels between your and mine. I'm sure so many men listening also connect to what you've had to share. And for the men or women who are looking to elevate your relationship or to find your partner or to overcome some of these challenges that we've talked about, you work with men and women in the realm of dating and relationships and conscious connection. I'll put all your contact info in the show notes down below, but is there anything that you want to leave the viewers and listeners with as far as who you are, what you have to offer and the mission that you're on?

Yeah. So yeah, right now for men and women, we do once a year ayahuasca retreats in Colombia. Deep, deep dive. This is nine days. Anyways, that's, that's on my page. But this is place where you know, how we spoke. A man that has not healed his mother wound is bound to unconsciously enact vengeance on his mother through every woman. Yes, he dates and same with a woman. So, you know, we can, there's women that they may, they may want to be appreciative. They want to have a certain type of relationship and they show up and they sabotage it. And so many men do the same thing. The roots are usually found in our history in trauma and things that very often are unconscious we don't even see. So once a year we do retreats where people, we take people very deep into seeing what's the root of the pattern. Because if we pull that out, that's it, it's out, you come back and you have different life, different relationship. So we do it once a year. And then for the men, depending on when this is coming out on February, we're starting a 12 week men's program called Bellatorus. And this is a modern rite of passage for men who to do men's work that is not being obnoxiously yelled at in like wannabe military kind of cohorts, but also they don't want, you know, the Kumbaya, barefoot Kumbaya cry circles where there's a lot of sobbing but very little sobbing for anything. Yeah, we. The work that I do, it integrates ancestral wisdom, makes spirituality practical. No bullshit spirituality. So 12 weeks of practical things that I've learned over the last decade to help a man achieve more peace or power within himself. Passion in his relationship and prosperity is always a side effect of a man who's aligned within himself. So love that. Beautiful.

Thank you for the work that you do. Thank you for inspiring me and being the example of what it looks like to be a devoted, committed husband. You know, your journey, how you met your wife and your story is very inspiring for me because, you know, I know you weren't planning on meeting her. It just sort of happened. So that gives me hope that my queen is there, maybe in Bali or Tulum or, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe Jimmy's Coffee down the street, you know. But thank you. I, you know, it's been beautiful to connect with you deeper this year. Thank you for supporting me with my events and I look forward to future collaborations. Yeah.

Like my brother. Yeah. Yes, brother.

If you enjoyed this podcast and you learned something valuable, then please hit subscribe so you don't miss the future episodes. I'd love it if you share this with a friend and leave us a review. Your feedback is so important to our growth. Thank you for supporting the Path to Purpose podcast. I appreciate you. I'll see you in the next episode.