THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN, WOMEN & MODERN RELATIONSHIPS w/ ZARAK FATAH

Foreign.

Welcome back to Check the Pulse today. As usual, I'm grateful and honored to have Mr. Zarg Fattah on the podcast. Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Of course. I'm really excited about this episode. We've been trying to coordinate it and it's happening and I'm ready to go and I'm hyped. So, Zarg, for those that don't know why I'm this excited right now, why don't you give them a little bit of an intro of who you are, you know, your journey, where you're at now, and we'll dive in, into it.

So, formerly of the Toronto entertainment nightlife scene. Worked in that industry for 25 years. Had a very successful career, opening 12 businesses over the course course of 15 years. At the peak of our business, we had 300 employees. We had eight companies running, running simultaneously, and we were doing eight figures in revenue. And we were kind of the first group down in the King west area that was like us, John, unique, and a couple other places. But, like, really, we kind of helped kick off the King street area, you know, did that for many years, but then in around the age of 40, started just questioning my purpose, asking if there's more to life than, you know, packing clubs and selling sushi and all that, and started to go inwards and found personal development. And in finding personal development, I found myself and I found my purpose and. And that put me on a. On a different path where I started to go on retreats and work with coaches and really understand the deeper layers of myself, which I, I hadn't for 40 years. And when I started questioning what I would do if I got out of hospitality, I really, I love to travel and I'm very passionate about personal development and helping others to rise up. So I thought, you know, what, what would it look like if I hosted my own retreat? And in March 2018, that's what I did. And right from that very first retreat, I knew, like, okay, I found something else that I'm really excited about again, because after 25 years in the business, I had just lost my passion for it. And, you know, Toronto nightlife had changing. It just wasn't quite as real as it was before. So I just knew it was time to time for something else. So I have been in the wellness space since 2018. 2020. I pivoted to coaching. I do a lot of executive life coaching for high performers, successful men and women who, I like to say they're like, financially abundant but spiritually bankrupt, you know, They've done well in life, but they're. Something's missing, you know, And I help them understand what that missing piece is and helping them to unlock that next level of success on a holistic level. Right. So I host retreats. I offer group coaching and private coaching programs. I have live workshops. Tonight I'm hosting a breath work session for 24 people. And, yeah, it's like, I live and breathe this now and. And I love it. It's the best thing that I've ever done. And it's. It's. It's really cool because now I'm able to tie in what I used to do in the hospitality space with what I do now, whether it be with these retreats or the men's group dinners I host. It's about creating a safe space for men and women to come together and just be willing to, like, take off the mask and. And. And go within and share who they are and what they're going through with others. And it's. It's beautiful. You know, I've been a party promoter since back in the day when I was 13 years old. I was promoting, you know, house parties, you know, and pissing my parents off. And I've just always been one. I love getting people together. I love the vibe and the energy of people just celebrating life. And, you know, I used to do it before, and there was drugs and alcohol involved, and now I do it and it's breath work. And I mean, I won't call psilocybin drugs, but, you know, plant medicine, and not that you need it, but like, you know, just helping people to break free of what it is that's holding them back from just being the fullest expression of themselves, for sure.

Well, first of all, that's an amazing journey and definitely a transformation that you've had throughout it. So I'm curious to go. To have that transition from obviously being deep into nightlife for so many years and then tapping into spirituality. Was there a moment where you kind of had a shift and you were like, okay, like, this is enough. I gotta. Like you said, I have to find myself at a deeper level. But was there one specific moment that stands out to you?

Yeah, I would say there's two. One was, I was at my, you know, my 40th birthday party. I'm looking around, I got, you know, like, 200 people there. It's beautiful. Friends and, like, cool, like, lifestyle, cars, women, like, all the things, you know, And I just remember feeling like, wow, I'm not where I hoped I would Be. You know, I really thought by 40, I'd be married with kids. I thought I'd be out of nightlife or at least not dependent on it. And I just felt, like, a lack of fulfillment. Like, it's really started to feel like Groundhog Day. So that was a moment where I first asked myself the question, like, okay, is this really what I want to do? Like, what else is there for me? Because up until then, it was just like, life was amazing. Yeah. I mean, like, people used to look at my life, be like, wow, you're so lucky. But we often, we. We have that perspective when we're on the outside looking in. Right. And then I would say the second real epiphany moment was for me on that first retreat where when I saw the transformation happening in real time, I saw these 10 guests who'd come to Costa Rica with me. I saw them changing right, right in before my eyes. I'm like, wow. Wow. One week can create that profound of a shift for people. I want to do more of that, you know, and. And people often say, wow. You know, that was. That took so much courage to leave the industry and go and do that. But. But it wasn't courage that inspired me. It was purpose. You know, I found something bigger than myself. I found something that I could really share with others that was going to change the trajectory of their life. And when I tuned into that, I was like, wow. Like, that's what I want to spend the rest of my time doing, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's amazing. And I love asking people that, because anytime I find someone makes such a big transition, there's always that moment that sticks with them, and it forever holds a special place in your heart because that's what really shifted you to who you are today. So in that moment, what would you say to someone that. You know, I feel like a lot of people now are trying to tap into spirituality and know that there's more to themselves. But what's your suggestion into where someone can even start that journey?

Yeah. So I like to divine. I. I like to define spirituality as really connecting to the spirit, the soul that's within all of us, because we are born spiritual beings. We are these beautiful blank canvases of love and light that incarnate into love and light, not love and light. We got some lights into this world, and then, you know, life happens and we start to pile on the layers of trauma, layers of conditioning, layers of identity. Right. And I believe spirituality is going back to who you are connected to source and whether you do that through religion, through meditation, plant medicine, breath work, whatever the modality or process is, spirituality is coming back to yourself. So for someone who says, you know, I want to be more spiritual, I feel like what they're saying is I really want to be more connected to myself. So what does that look like? Okay, well, where are you disconnected from yourself? Where are you not honoring yourself in what you're eating, what you're listening to, who you're spending time with, what you're consuming, Right? The. The way you treat your body. Like, where are you disconnected from being the divine, whole perfect person that you were when you were born? Right. So it's about really understanding what are my beliefs, what are the patterns and behaviors that are not in alignment with my highest self. And, you know, for many people, they've got these. They've got these patterns. They're stuck in these loops in life. And maybe they keep repeating the same relationship with different people. Maybe they keep making money and blowing it, they're in debt. You know, maybe they're just have a very negative mindset. Like when you can really take a honest, hard look within and ask, what about myself do I feel I want to change or work on? And what do I need to let go of? What shift in perspective do I need to have? What is there I need to heal in my emotional body that will allow me to go back to who I am at the most, at the essence of who I am. So, you know, that can happen in many ways, obviously. Self reflection, journaling, spending time alone is so, so important. Spend time alone in nature. No phone. Maybe take your journal, just go for a couple hours, walk in nature and let whatever is there come up. You know, because we're so busy, we're so distracted, we're numbing ourselves all the time because we don't want to feel. And when you give yourself that time to be alone and just allow yourself to feel so much comes up and have the courage to stick with it. You know, they say that one of the worst forms of punishment for anyone is put them in a empty room alone with a chair and no phone, no book, no distractions, and they will go crazy after 15 minutes because all the things come up. That's why solitary confinement is considered to be the worst form of punishment, right? And most people will do anything to avoid being alone and being still. Because when you are, that's when the comes up. And when it comes up, can you face it? Can you be with it? Can you feel it in order to heal it and work through it. Right. And as you work through it, it's like peeling back the layers and seeing what's under there that needs to be processed, needs to be healed. As you peel back the layers, you go back deeper, deeper, deeper to your true essence. And I believe that is the journey of spirituality is getting back to who we truly are at our core.

Yep. That was very well said. And I said no, obviously. And I say it like, I've said it on a few podcasts now. I'm very much in alignment with that, where I say we were born beings of love, and then everything you go through, you hold on to that trauma. So now I kind of want to tap into more, you know, from everything you said. Let's talk a little bit about, like, men and masculinity.

Yeah.

So obviously, like, you know, you're driven, you're making money, which is great, you feel great, you want to make more money. You hold that strong, you know, power, and, let's say, a household hierarchy. But, you know, what you spoke about, a lot of that is tuning into emotion. And I find that, you know, in the way society kind of portrays, like, a masculine figure, they have to, like, hold on to emotion, don't show up, be strong, don't cry, all those typical things. Right. How important is it to, you know, in order for someone to be successful, to be able to tap into those emotions, actually feel them, and, hey, it's actually not a weakness. It. It becomes a strength.

Yeah, that's a great question, because just like myself and many of the men that I coach, they're chasing the superficial success that we're told, get a good job, make money, buy a house, have a wife, have kids, get a boat, you know, maybe a couple fancy cars. Like, all the things that we see on Instagram and, you know, where we. We define success as. Right. And Eckhart Tolle refers to that as our outer purpose. You know, accomplishments, status, wealth, possessions, you know, all that, all the things you'll achieve that. Then you're standing up top of your mountain, and you're like, wait a minute. My happiness isn't here. My fulfillment isn't here. Something's missing. Just like I felt at the age of 40. And that is when you start asking, what is life really about? Right? So there's our outer purpose and our inner purpose. And our inner purpose is more so about who do we get to be for others? How do we. How can we make a difference in the world? What is the legacy that we want to leave behind and the irony about our Inner purpose. It actually has nothing to do with us. It's about who do we get to be for others, right? So for the men and women that are chasing that superficial success, they are looking for things in the external to validate what they're lacking within, right? So for example, myself, I got bullied dealing with racism, I got picked on, I didn't know how to play sports. I was the last kid to ever get picked for a team. So for me, I just want to be accepted, I just want to be liked. I just wanted to feel good enough. So of course I didn't know it at the time. At that young age, I decided that, you know what, I'm be cool, I'm fit, I'm a hot girls, I'm going to drive nice cars, I'm going to wear fancy clothes, like I'm going to do all that. And you know, I never consciously chose that. But the identity I created at that young age was, okay, I gotta, I gotta be as strong, look as good and make as much money as I can to feel worthy, to feel good enough. And you know, for the young men out there who are on their hustle and on their grind right now, yes, you could have financial success, you could have material success, you could have, you know, career, like professional success and that's great and all obviously you need that. But true holistic success is when you have great health, you have great relationships, you are, you have emotional intelligence, you know how to take care of yourself and you know how to make muscle and you know how to make money and you know how to grind. But you don't have to like hustle and, and kill yourself. So I think that there's, the paradigm of what it means to be a successful man is shifting. And I think emotional intelligence and coaching and retreats and these programs are now available was. When I was growing up, there was none of that. I mean, Tony Robbins really only became popular. I mean, there's the OGs like Jim Rohn and Bob Proctor and all these other guys. But you know, unless you were really, really in it, you didn't know about that. But now it's like, you know, personal development and coaching has really become more widely accepted. Whereas before there was like a stigma to it. Like if you told somebody you worked with like a, a mindset coach or a life coach, people like, what's wrong with you that you need a coach for life? You know, I thought that too. Before I really knew what life coaching was, somebody told me they had a life coach. I thought you're like the. You don't know how to wake up. Yeah.

You don't know how to like, what's, what's so tough.

Yeah. You know, so. And, and ultimately you don't know what you don't know. Right. And, and when you, when you have the, when you're able to identify what's not working and you're able to understand that, yeah, you might be making a lot of money, but you haven't talked to your parents in a while, or, you know, killing it at work, but you're like 40 pounds overweight, when you start to realize, okay, you know, like, life is really good in this, this aspect, but man, I'm like really, like I'm really doing in these other parts. That's when you know it's on you to say, okay, well how do I create holistic success. Success in my life? And you know, just to touch on the emotional healing and that part of this. So many men are driven from the pain from the past, just like myself. You know, what we go through in those formative years of 0 to 6 up until 14, our belief system is developing, and if we don't feel good enough, if we don't have our father's validation, if we don't feel accepted by our peers, then we start to think, what's wrong with me? We start to feel shame. And that shame is what then develops what's called the false self identity. And that false self is who will run your life until you finally have no choice but to face it. And at 40, I faced my false self realizing, like, I built this big beautiful life with all these things that people admire, but I don't like who I've become. And when you ask yourself that question of like, who do I want to be? That is when your personal development and spiritual journey begins.

Yeah, you say he inspired me in that. But no, it's, it's true, it's true. And I do feel like, to tap into what you said before, where the punishment of like someone being in a room and you know, they want to hide from themselves. I do feel like people use the excuse of overworking, but meanwhile it's more just hiding from things they don't want to face. And the best way to keep yourself occupied is drive, drive, drive.

Overwork over exhaustion, celebrated like exactly. The, the hustle and grind culture is celebrated. And, and there's a reason why depression and addiction and even suicides are an all time high, right?

No, 100%. And I actually had a previous guest on, he spoke about sleep And I was like, well, you know, they say a lot of entrepreneurs, like, they just go and they don't rest. And he explained he has his PhD in, like, the whole mind side of things. And he explained how important it is. And he's like, if you're not sleeping, you're killing yourself. Your body needs the rest. So tapping that all back in together. So obviously, you're coming from a place where, you know, you had the cars, you had the girls, you had the money, all of that. You find yourself now. So now what is your core goal? To kind of teach your coaching clients or instill into the people that you coach? Like, hey, this is what I would have done different.

Sure.

Going forward.

Yeah. So up until now, you know, I've been working with entrepreneurs, and I. I like to say that I became the coach that I needed when I was 40, and I was, you know, questioning my purpose and feeling very out of alignment. So for the past five years, that's what I've been helping my. My clients with, is helping them to really tap into the vision of who they want to be and what needs to shift between who they are to who they want to be and. And supporting them along that journey.

And.

And everything I coach and share with my clients is what I've gone through personally. And what's been coming up for me lately, because I'm hearing about it more and more, is just how much people are struggling to find a partner, how difficult it is to not just find a partner and create that deep, loving relationship, but to maintain that and to stay in it. You know, most of my clients are married with children, and I'm learning what they're going through as being an entrepreneur and a father and a husband and all the things that a man deals with. And because part of my own journey has been to heal my wounds from the past, to open my heart, to welcome in my, you know, my life partner. And. And it's been a. About a five, six year journey of going through the process of healing and learning about myself and stopping old patterns and behaviors. So I'm starting to feel more inspired to share what I've learned through that process with people. And I. And. And. And so many people are also reaching out, sharing, like, yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm going through that also. Like, you know, I. I hosted a workshop for men and women a couple weeks ago called what Women and Men want. Just getting 40 men and women in the room together, just talking about, like, what is it that's missing here? Like, why is it that Good men and good women aren't meeting each other. And, and I think, you know, the disconnection because of social media, because of instant gratification and all the distractions in life right now, I believe it's really keeping people apart. Like people aren't developing meaningful connections in a deep way. So I'm feeling more inspired to start leaning into that. I'll continue to work with my entrepreneurs and the founders that I support. Although, you know, the whole relationship dynamic thing is very interesting to me as well.

I do think that's definitely even like at a younger age, it's still a, it's like becoming more of an issue now. A lot of people I talk to is the same thing. I'm not dating. Oh, I can't find anyone good. Or do you believe a lot of that also has to come from the lack of internal healing, personally, so that you're not attracting. Like you said, you have to work on yourself to open your heart up. If you want the most perfect person, but you are not there yet, how can you expect them to enter your life? And I tell people too, you could maybe agree or disagree, but it's also what you put out. I find like a lot of people are saying it's hard to date, but then they're also saying, but I'm okay being single, like I was meant to be single. Or that this is, this is my healing era. And it's like, okay, but you could also kind of be in your healing era with an open heart.

Yes.

So how important do you believe the, the, the, like, I don't want to say the law of like, manifestation, but just putting out what you bring in.

Yeah.

Is in relationships.

Yeah. I, I, I feel what you're saying is bang on. And I just want to unpack that a little bit because if you're not really clear on who you are as a person, what your core values are and what you stand for and what you desire in a partner, what you imagine for your partnership and how you want to feel. If you're not crystal clear on that, you won't know who you need to be to call in that partner. Now, a lot of people say they want certain type partners, certain type relationship, and it's something they aspire to have. Like just like myself, for example, I thought by 40 I would be married and I was in four or five different relationships before the age of 40. But I wasn't in alignment. I wasn't the man that was able to create that type of connection because I had my own things to heal. And I believe that God will keep sending you the perfect person. You need to shine a light on the wounds that you have yet to heal. Like, you will continue to meet people who will trigger things within you that are a mirror that show you what there is to work on. And as I look back on my last four or five relationships, I could see that each one of them, even though they weren't the one and not my potential life partner, they were the perfect one to show me what I needed to see where the work was still to be done. So I do believe that it's very important to take some time by yourself, go inwards and understand what are my patterns, what do I keep repeating? What are my beliefs that are holding me back? Like, how am I sabotaging these relationships and really take ownership of that and take some time to be on your own and to do that inner work so that when you are ready to start dating and you're able to open your heart and welcome someone in, you're not meeting the person who's there to help you change, but there, this is the person that's there to help you elevate because you can do. You can only do so much of this work on your own. And then you need to be in partnership to discover what else is there, because you can, you know, it's like training for a fight. And you know, you're in the studio, you're sparring, you're doing everything, you know, at the gym, but it's only when you get in the ring with someone else for real that you get to see, okay, how much of my training has been embodied, right? So I feel that, yes, you can do the inner work. And it's very, very important to go as far as you can. And then in the relationship is when you really get to integrate and embody what you've learned. Right? And I could say that there are many people who will go from relationship to relationship when things get hard. They think, okay, this just isn't the person right person. For me, it's be easier next time. I'm just going to start with someone else. And it's never going to get easier if you haven't worked on your core issues. So understanding who you want to be with, how you want to feel, and who you need to become to be in alignment with that type of relationship, with that type of partner. When you are there, then you're going to call that person in because like you said, everything is energy and vibration. And until you're the vibrational Match God also won't send you your one because you'll just fuck it up. You know, you will, it just won't, it won't turn out the way you hope, you know. So I believe that when you're ready, you know, and you've done the work and you're very clear and your intention is true and pure, that's, that's when it'll happen.

And I think also in that work you do personally, you'll be able to unpack what that future relationship or partnership may look like being beyond a surface level perfection of, you know, maybe all living in a nice home and having this many kids and this and that. Now you can unpack it deeper. And it's like, but what attributes do I want that person to have? How do, how do they function energetically? Do they take care of like their energy? Like, so you start to look at things from a deeper perspective that you may not have had if you didn't do the inner work yourself. And then you're jumping relationship to relationship, but you're blaming everybody else for not being the right person. And meanwhile it's you too, right?

And most importantly, you know, one of the things to consider when getting to know someone is when things get tough because it's inevitable things will get difficult. How are we going to resolve conflict? Do we share the same communication style? Do we share the same values? You know, during pandemic, a lot of marriages fell apart because certain things about the pandemic caused couples to question their values of how they want to raise their children and what they wanted to do for their well being. And that was a big, big catalyst for many divorces. So you, you got to know that tough times are going to come. And even though I haven't been married, I've coached enough married men to know that, you know, in those tough times when you are really, really not seeing eye to eye, can you navigate those challenges together? Together, can you hold space for one another with love and compassion even when you're butting heads? And that is, that is very important. That's why when you do the personal development and you understand conscious communication, you understand how to listen with empathy and compassion, how not to get triggered and how not to be reactive. That, that equips you with the tools and the capabilities to navigate anything with your partner.

So how, how, would, let's say someone comes to you and they're doing the work and they're doing the personal development, or let's say both people have, but then one continues. So let's say one is like doing your coaching or is with you, but their partner isn't. So now when they go try to have this conscious communication, there's that disconnect. What advice do you give to that? Because that could be frustrating for that person. Right.

That's a very real scenario that has happened many times. And, you know, when we start to come call it enlightened or more conscious, we then start to realize how many people around us are, are not tuned in at the same level. And, and it can be frustrating because of course, we want everybody in our life that we love to, like, see beyond this, you know, facade that, you know, most people live in. And you can't force or convince someone to do this work because it's deep work and it gets harder before it gets easier. And someone has to really choose to take on this work of personal development if they're, if they're serious about it. Right. And the most you can do is be the proof of what it looks like to overcome your trauma, overcome the incidences that have been hurtful in life and really show them, like, this is what life can feel like and look like, and this is who you can be when you are willing to face your shadows and work through it. So being the example and inviting with loving kindness, inviting without expectation and without making them wrong, they say no. You know, remembering that everybody is where they're meant to be on their journey. And you can't rush the healing process. You can't convince someone to do the work. You can just be the example and have them say, you know what? Like, I like, I like your energy. Like, I like what's going on. Like, you feel different. Like, what, what do you, what are you doing? Like, how, how, how did you do that? And, and what can I do? You know? And when you can be the proof that is the best way to enroll someone now. Yes, if it is your husband or your wife and, and maybe they're not reading the same books and they're not doing the breath work or want to join you on a retreat. That can be, that can be hard because I've seen that happen many times where one, one person in the relationship gets really deep into the work and they're like, seeing life in a whole different level and the other spouse is just completely clueless. And you have to choose. And this is where having shared values and a foundation of alignment is really important. Because if you're going to continue to grow and evolve, you can't have that person hold you back and you're gonna grow, and you're gonna evolve into this new version of whoever you are becoming as your future self. And you may roll over one day and look at your part and just realize we have nothing in common anymore. And we. We, like, we're not even speaking the same language. And. And that could be hard. So that's why it's very important that couples choose to go on this growth journey together and be open and try new things with one another. Like, girlfriend loves yoga. I'm not so into yoga. Like, I understand the benefits, but doing yoga is really important to her, and I want to do something with her that's important to her for us as a couple. So, yeah, I'm going to go to yoga. Even though maybe I might prefer to go for a run or hit the gym, but I'm going to do that because I want us to grow together. So it's like, as you know, obviously in every relationship, it's about compromise and about supporting one another in what you believe in. So it's. It's. It can be detrimental to your marriage if you and your partner do not grow together. I'll just leave it at that.

And I think even, like you just said, you know, you go to yoga, it's important to your girlfriend. I think it's also breaking the barriers between, like, well, I'm a guy and I don't want to go to yoga. Like, I'd rather. Like you said, I'd rather go to the gym. Or you could flip it if the gym's important to you, and maybe she's not for the gym. She'd rather do this. There has to be a middle ground, or else it shows. Like, you're selfish and you're selfish and no one wants to do the work, but you're expecting the work from each other. So it's. I always say, like, a relationship should be teamwork. It's not a war.

Yeah. And it might not be yoga or the gym. It might be something else.

Yeah.

Okay, well, you don't want to go to the gym, and I don't want to do yoga. Okay, let's come up with something new that we can both do together that's exciting, you know? And again, it's all about compromise and about honoring and understanding each other's needs and being able to just, you know, nurture that for one another. Right.

For sure. And you also mentioned another important point previously, where when people start to become enlightened, they see things very differently. And you'll start to notice, like, even if you're Talking to someone from an enlightened standpoint, they kind of look at you like, you almost sound crazy because you'll. You'll, like, understand things deeper. Like, if they're getting mad, you're not so much looking at. They're mad in your head. You're like. So you're mad because when you were like six and then your mom got mad at you. Right. So it's a whole different way of thinking. So I agree in the sense where it's definitely important to be on the same page.

Yeah.

With the person you're with. Is there something or, you know, a common theme now that you're kind of tapping into the healthy relationship side of things that you notice causes that disconnect between couples?

Sure. So, I mean, the biggest disconnect is when resentment starts and contempt and they start taking jabs at each other. Like, that is the beginning of the end. And, you know, the first thing I say to any of my clients who start having challenges with their partner, I ask them, okay, well, what are you responsible for? That's creating the situation that you can hold yourself accountable to, because it's never all one person's problem. It's always in some way, 50. 50. So asking them, like, okay, well, like, for example, I was speaking to one of my clients not too long ago, and he said that the. The sex life in the chemistry with his wife is off. And, you know, he's telling me, oh, she doesn't have time. She's this. She's ash. Whatever. And I asked him, I said, the truth is, is she doesn't want to have sex with you because if she wanted to, like, she would let you know. And. But. But she is not attracted to you right now. Because the polarity is off. Yeah. Because you've disappointed her. You have flaked out in ways that have caused her to lose trust in you. And when a polarity is off and she has to step into her masculine, she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you. Yeah. And I said, so what can you take ownership of that you want to, like, take on for yourself rather than just pointing the finger at her? What are you responsible for and what do you want to do about it and when? We can start by accepting the fact that, okay, I'm 50% responsible for the situation and I'm going to own that. I'm going to express to my partner, hey, look, I understand lately I haven't been as helpful. And, you know, I said I was going to do this, and I didn't. And then I let you down again, I just want to let you know that I'm going to do better, I'm going to try harder and that is my commitment to you. And actions speak louder than words. You know, start, start owning what you're responsible for and see the shift that happens when you start to, rather than just point fingers and blame, you start to do the work yourself. Right. And, and again, that requires the humility and the self awareness to understand where am I not showing up and, and how do I want to be different for her.

For sure. And I. You touched on it right at the end there where I was going to say it. It comes from humility. Whereas like those tough conversations are the hardest but I find will improve your relationship the most because you're not going at someone, you're in a yelling argument like, oh, it's you that it's like, before I come at you, I'm going to take the time to reflect. Yes, where can I improve? So now when I come to you say, hey, what you did made me feel like this. But I understand how what I did could have caused X, Y and Z. Now you're at a whole different energy level in that conversation versus coming in, you know, aggressively. And what I've heard other people say in like kind of your space too is like if you feel like you can't have those conversations in the moment because you're so built up, or you have that resentment, like give it a second and then go to it. Right. Because I feel like if there's also a lot of aggression that comes from either way, it pushes the other one away.

Absolutely.

And it's not productive.

You can have the most accurate, like logical facts that you want to share. Yeah. But if the person's not ready to receive, doesn't matter. And it's also not what you say, it's how you say it. So if you have charged energy and you get into a conflict, again, even though what you're saying may be correct.

True.

It's not going to land well. And one of the courses I love teaching in my, in my path program is conscious communication. And the number one tool in conscious communication is set and setting. Because if you emotionally react because you're triggered and you just blurt out whatever is on your mind and then she's emotionally charged and she comes back at you, it's not going to go well. You know, it's not a conducive time or setting to have that conversation. So yes, that's again, that's when it requires humility. Take a few breaths and just ask yourself, okay, what am I responsible for here in this situation? Let me process what just happened and then let me come back to her or him and ask them for their time to have a conversation about something that's important to you. You know, because that way you're being intentional, you're not coming from a charged place. And you are also now able to create an environment for the conversation where both of you are ready to receive. Yeah, right. And that, that's a big one. And that's where a lot of people really mess things up, because in that moment they're triggered. And the irony is often what's said in the moment isn't what the real issue is. Like when she, you know, when she blows up because you didn't take the garbage out, you know, it's not because you didn't take the garbage out Right then. It's the five other things that you said you do that you didn't do.

Right.

You know, so she, she bit her tongue. I don't want to say it's all men. It could be men or women, but like she bit her tongue those five times, but on that last time you didn't take the garbage out and now she's had enough of giving it to you.

Yeah.

And then as a guy, you're like, oh, big deal.

My wife's always nagging me. That's always the line. Right. But it's like it comes to that too. And like he said, it could be both ways. There's some guys that do everything around the house. The woman does nothing. And then she's still chirping at him and he's gonna snap. But it's, it's just a build up. So.

Yeah, and I actually like to talk about that for a moment because, you know, a lot of women, a lot of women are saying where the good men, you know, the men are this, men are this, men are whatever. And look, don't get me wrong, there's a lot of douchebags out there. There's a lot of playboys, there's a lot of guys who are giving the rest of the men a bad name. And there are also a lot of men who are doing the work.

Right.

But you're not going to find them in the club. You're going to find them at the bar. You're going to find them on retreats, you're going to find them at Dr. Joe Dispenza. You're going to find them on personal development courses or retreats. That's where you're going to find the men who are doing the work. There's a lot of men who are saying, women don't appreciate me. I don't feel respected. I don't feel like I'm being nurtured and nourished. And there's a lot of men who feel like they're being taken advantage of, you know, So I think that there's this confusion in this is what men need to feel respected and appreciated. Because as men, we want to feel valuable. We want to feel like we're providing. We want to feel like our hard work is acknowledged. And often we don't get that. And when a man doesn't get that, then he starts think, well, the fuck's the point then? Like, what am I doing all this for? You know? And that's when the resentment starts to build. And then women, they want to feel safe, they want to feel secure, they want to feel respected, they want to feel beautiful. And often, as men, we just want to provide. We just want to provide solutions. We just want to provide resources. We don't know how to drop into the heart and really feel what a woman wants. And the only way a man's going to understand that is, is when the woman can communicate to the man what she really needs in a loving and compassionate way. Because for a lot of men, as soon as a woman says, hey, baby.

We gotta talk, it's like, what'd I do?

Yeah, right. And there's a way to have that conversation, sharing what she needs emotionally, what she needs physically, sexually, financially, what she needs in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's done something wrong. And that's why, again, the communication is so important. And being able to have those difficult conversations, and they don't even have to be difficult, let's call them sensitive conversations in a way where nobody feels threatened, you know, but honestly, as. As a man, like, we just want to know, like, everything's okay, you know, I didn't do anything wrong. We're having this conversation to be better, and. And now I can take my guard down. You know, it's funny. I was watching this video by Preston Smiles the other day, and he said, ladies, if you have something important to talk to your man about, don't start it with, babe, we gotta talk. Right? Start it with, honey, I wanted to share something with you, but I want to let you know that I'm not mad. I love you, I appreciate you. And after this conversation, we're going to go have sex. Yeah.

Works.

I Think he's like, okay, what do.

You want to say?

Well, when, you know, when, when he understands she's not mad and, and he didn't do anything wrong. I was like, oh, okay, cool. And this is for us. And damn, I'm okay. The man is ready to receive and he's open and he's not going to get defensive. Right. I thought that was really smart and I, I thought that was a great idea on how to initiate the conversation. But in all seriousness, you know, a woman can just help a man open up and be ready to receive by just letting him know, like, hey, you didn't do anything wrong and I'm not mad at you, but, like, this is what's coming up for me.

And I think it's also tying into that. A lot of women will say, like, well, men aren't emotionally intelligent or they don't understand. But I think that also ties into. If you're not taking the time, if it is someone you really love and they're holding up their role in the relationship, if they don't understand you emotionally, it's also on you to take the time to explain, as you said, and have those conversations. And instead of just being frustrated that, well, you don't get me. Yeah, Met. I believe, like, at a surface level, men won't fully understand the way women thinks, and women won't fully understand the way man thinks. It's just, it's divine, feminine, divine, masculine. It is what it is. But if you can both come together and make the effort to try to understand each other, that's when the true growth happens. In your opinion, how important is it? Obviously, men have more masculine energy, female have more feminine, typically. How important is it, though, to still be able to tap into the opposing energy, even as an individual?

Yes, so very much so. I mean, that's where the, the real balance can create magic in the relationship. So, for example, a man who's very in his masculine, who just wants to solve and fix and provide. When she has something to say that's important, that's when he needs to be able to shift to his feminine and, and just listen without trying to solve or fix anything. Just listen, just hold space. If she needs to cry, if she needs to emote, whatever it is, just. Just hold her. Just be with her, you know? And that's why often women will go talk to other women about what's going on in their life, because they just want to be heard, seen, and most importantly, they want to be felt. So when a man could drop into his heart and just listen with empathy and compassion. She can feel that and then she feels safe to open up. Right. And you know, on the, on the flip side of that, with a woman tapping into her masculine, you know, a man on a day to day basis has a lot to do. He's got, he's got, you know, a lot of stress, a lot of pressure just day to day life, you know, for his partner to be able to get things done in her own way and whatever her responsibilities may be.

Right.

Her being able to have the capability of tapping into her masculine when needed to get things done helps to alleviate the load that he's got going on. You know, because men, they're at work all day, they're doing what they're, you know, doing, whether it be run their own business or, you know, whether they're working on job site and then they come home and then they don't need another 10 things to do. Yeah. You know, and of course, I'm not saying that women at their job or if they're at home with kids or whatever they're doing, it's not like they don't have a lot to do as well, but it's just about understanding when to shift into masculine or feminine to support one another. Because yeah, that, that's the dynamic and that's where often I feel that imbalance throws off the sexual polarity and then that opens up a whole other situation for them, for sure.

And do you find. I feel like more back in the day it was like, man's a man, woman's a woman. And I feel like now in these conversations, it's becoming more aware that, hey, it's okay to kind of tap into the opposite. So with your clients in general, do you see kind of a growth with that in relationships?

To be honest, with a lot of my clients, they do have traditional family values where the wife is home with the three kids, you know, and husbands at work. And some of them even, you know, the wife will be at home and when the kids are out to work, so when the kids are at school and husband's at work, she will support him in some capacity, either with the business or just doing the, the things at home that need to get done because, you know, obviously he can't be at work and be at home taking the care of the kids. So I, I think as much as there is obviously a lot of women who have careers and they're doing really well and they're financially and professionally successful, I do also feel that there is a shift of Traditional values, coming back where women are choosing to stay at home to be, to be an at home mom with the kids, providing something that is so crucial for the child's development. So, you know, I'm a little bit more traditional in that sense. Of course I want my wife to work and make money, but at the end of the day, I also believe that when it's time to have children, if we both agree, hey, she wants to stay home and just be a great mom and take care of the home and take care of the children. Okay, amazing. No problem, let's do that. You know, and I think that's important because there's certain things a woman can do that a man just can't. You know, especially in those early years of development, it's so, so important for the child's psyche and for their growth to feel the nurturing of the mom there to create that safety in the home. Yeah. You know, that's just how we're wired 100%.

And like, obviously women have more of that, like nurturing and that caring aspect and men have more like the survival protective even. I tell people down to the basic, like the movie the Lion King, the Mufasa is the guy that goes out and does the hunting and teaches his son and then his wife is the one that is always around the cub. She's aggressive in her own way and protective. But it's more for the children. And I think now there's also like, I'm all for, like, I own my own company. I'm all for women working and all that stuff. But I do think there's kind of the stigma that's built around like a woman staying home and yeah. Doing those kinds of like.

Yeah. Like chores or it's not as important.

Yeah. When it's like if we actually take a step back and go back years and years, why that happened, Take away all the politics of that, but it's because your innate being is as a woman to be more nurturing and caring and a man is to be more, you know, fight orf. Flight, survival, protect, provide. So I don't think like, if a couple has a conversation and that's what they land on, I don't believe it should be like, well, of course she stays home because he's the man. And it's like, well, no, what if they discuss that? What if that's what she wants? That's not wrong. And that's not wrong if that's what he wants either. Like, obviously any situation that works for you and your partner works But I just feel like this is built over time of like woman trying to break this stigma of you need to be at stay at home, which I get. We do need woman leadership and empowerment. But I don't think it's also looked down upon if it still works for many relationships.

For sure. Yeah. And you know, to tap back into the masculine feminine dynamic for a woman to go to work to do what she's doing, especially if it's a job that's very cerebral, very much about problem solving solutions, she's very much in her masculine energy. Then she's going to come home after work. And then now a lot of women I know, they have trouble shifting into their feminine. And again, masculine and masculine don't work. Right. And again, not to say that men can't stay home and raise children because my, my brother actually works from home and he's home a lot with his kids. As they come home for lunch, he's there, he cooks for them, picks them up after school. My sister in law comes home, you know, afterwards. And my brother is not necessarily still he is a stay at home dad, but he's also running his business from home and he does an amazing job at it. So it's not that one of the, the man or the woman needs to be home, it's got to be the woman. But when a child comes home and there's a nanny there or a babysitter and the parents aren't home to like 5, 30, 6 o', clock, like that's, that's a very pivotal time in a child's life. And to come home and know that mom is there or dad are there and there's food and you know, you feel that comfort, like that's really, really important, you know, and, and, and I think again every marriage is going to have its own set of agreements and I think that is fundamentally one of the most important things that you and your partner need to agree upon. Hey, when children come in the mix, how do we want to raise them?

For sure.

How do, what type of home do we want to create for them? Because it really, really impacts the development of the child for sure.

No, I'm 100 alignment with that. And then kind of the last question I ask everybody on the podcast is for you. We kind of spoke about this earlier, so I'm going to change the age range. Usually I see 16, but I'm going to ask you for 30. What's one piece of advice you'd give your 30 year old self?

Yeah, so I can honestly look back and say that some of the best years of my life were a complete blur because I just wasn't present. I wasn't in the moment to really just appreciate like how awesome life was because I was so focused on growth and hustle, next project, the next, next, next, next, next, that I never really just took the time to stop, take a deep breath and just savor the moment for what it was not. You're not realizing like that moment will never happen again. And I think that we live in a day and age where everything moves so quickly, you know, like everything is instant gratification, double tap, swipe, like, comment, like. And things are only going to move faster with AI now. And for a 30 year old person, you are living through such an amazing moment, a time in your life, really slow down, enjoy it. There's no rush, there's no race, there's like, there's no finish line. Because when we are on our hustle, we are on our grind and we're so fixated on that next goal and that that next goal is a moving target because even as we get close to that goal, there's a new goal and then another one, and then another one. So I would say to be present, to really get to know yourself, spend time alone, learn about who you are. You'll make better choices, you'll be less reactive, you will attract amazing people in your life when you can really know yourself, understand what there is for you to improve, to work on, to develop. And that comes through presence. If you're so distracted by the external and the next goal of the next car, watch girl. If you're so distracted with all of that, you never get to just sit with yourself. And I wish someone had given me that advice, you know, when I was in my 30s, because I look back now and I could see that, yeah, I made a lot of choices and business decisions that I'm not gonna say I regret because everything I did has brought me to this point in time right now sitting in this chair talking to you. But I will say that if I could go back and do it again, I would have made different choices. And had I been more present and conscientious and connected to myself, I would have chosen differently.

Well, I love that. I love. First of all, I think a lot of people can relate to that. So thank you so much for coming on.

My pleasure. Thanks for having me, guys.

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