Boundaries 101: How to Set & Create Healthy Boundaries for Your Life

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between. Hello friends and Welcome back to another episode of The InBetween Pod. It is one half of the pod, Alexis.

And the other half, Astrid. And we are continuing our month of communication. So last week we talked about self-advocacy. That was such a great conversation. I enjoyed that so much.

Me too.

And today we're gonna be chatting about boundaries. And I know it's not the sexiest topic. It doesn't sound like the sexiest topic, but I promise you, it's— you have to look at it through the lens of this is giving you more freedom. than it is taking away. And I'm excited to have this conversation that can lead to more ease in your life rather than having more conflict too.

Yeah, I agree. And I think it's interesting that we've been doing the pod for a year, and this is our first episode on boundaries because we're such boundary-oriented people. And this is our first episode where we're just like dedicated to boundaries. I feel like we've talked about it On different episodes, but like, I'm excited to really do a deep dive into all things boundaries and just open up a more like lighthearted conversation around boundaries. It doesn't have to be this like heavy, scary, overwhelming thing. Sometimes it is, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. And so is there a way we can like reframe our mindset on boundaries and look at them as a tool to, you know, create more healthy relationships? Instead of this like rigid, scary thing that's like, oh, I have to have this big, you know, nauseating conversation. It doesn't actually have to be like that. So I'm excited for this. But first, I'm alive.

Oh my gosh, girlfriend. For those of you that don't know, our co-host Alexis was in the ER this past weekend. And I'll let you carry away with this story.

I was like, well, sitting in the ER and I was like, I should probably text Astrid to let her know that things have really escalated. Like, I was like, hey, just, hi, love you. I'm in the ER.

Hey girl.

Hey, I'm totally fine. Actually, I'm not, but I am okay. But I'm in the ER and we're figuring things out. And you're like, what? I was freaking out.

I was freaking out. I was freaking out.

Yeah, long story short, what started as what I thought was heat stroke, heat exhaustion from being at the beach with my family turned into a really nasty stomach virus. I still don't have clarity and the doctor didn't necessarily have clarity either because it's like they don't necessarily know exactly what's happening. But yeah, I was down for the count for 4 days and have not been that Sick with that much stomach pain and discomfort. I don't know, girl. I don't know if I've ever, ever experienced it to quite that level. It was like combining the worst flu with, with food poisoning.

Oh.

And yeah, like those 2 things together, I was like, ah.

Yeah, she cleansed.

I am cleansed. Oh my God. I am sweating. You know what, I, I read 3 books because sometimes looking at a screen, like a TV screen, like just like hurt my face. But then I'm like laying in bed and I also don't wanna be on my phone. So I read and it distracted me from the pain and that really helped. But yeah, girl, I put down 3 books in 4 days. So that was—

what did you read?

A highlight? Well, I read a little rom-com series. It was called—

We love it. We love it.

Gold Rush Ranch series. It was about these ranchers. They're all falling in love. They're having kids. I literally told Matthew when he got home from work, Yesterday I said, you know, sometimes I think it'd be really fun to just live on a ranch and all of our friends live there too. And they all live on their ranches and we're like 5 minutes apart from each other and we're raising our kids and we're canning and I'm learning how to ride. We're like, we're doing some sort of rehabilitation for horses, you know, like that have been sent out to auction and we're buying them, we're rehabilitating them and giving them a great place to end their life. And anyways, he was like, wow, you've been dreaming a lot. I'm pretty deep in this series. And it brought me comfort during a really difficult 4 days.

That is amazing. I love that. I mean, it truly is instead of watching a movie, it is having entertainment through a book. But I, there's nothing I love more than your, like, Southern accent whenever you start speaking your Southern accent. So you telling me what this book was about, and that was just everything.

My little Midwestern comes out sometimes, and I don't always know when it happens. But yeah, so I'm feeling better. This is actually the first day since last Saturday that I have felt like my full self. And I'm so excited because you and Nick are coming to Houston for the weekend. And it's gonna be great. Like, I'm on the up and up. I feel more and more like myself. So I'm I'm good.

That's my—

oh my gosh, my update, my life update is that I'm alive.

We are so glad that you're alive, that you're feeling better. I pictured that, you know that TikTok where they're like, they cross their arms and they're dead and they like come back from the dead?

Yes.

It's like you in the ER and it's like, bestie's coming to town this weekend.

Goes to the ER just to get an IV of fluids. You're like, I need to prepare.

Yes. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm glad you're okay and we're so, so excited. We're flying out today So it's gonna be a great weekend.

Yes. How— what about like you life update-wise? How are you doing? What's in your— what's going on? Any updates?

Oh, um, it's been wildly busy. Um, part of what I've been going through, I'll share in the in-between. But overall, this past weekend, I took my nephews to do a VR, like video game. And I'm not a video game person, but I was like, whatever, they like this. It's something that we're doing in person. It's not like we're staring fully at a screen and sitting down. And girl, it was so much fun.

I—

it felt so real. I was like, these demons are coming after me, and I freaking beat all of them. I won the VR. But we had the best time. I just decided this year that I wasn't gonna get them any gifts and that we were just gonna do an experience together. I love that. I just took them out of town. We went to St. Louis, spent the day together. And yeah, and it was really, really great. So that was a little bit of my weekend. Oh, and then Friday went out. My boyfriend got some great goals he accomplished. And so it was just nice to celebrate him and celebrate the people in your life.

Yeah, it's important, especially when you see them striving for different things and they hit them. And sometimes Celebrating yourself with your people. Like, you want to be with people that celebrate you and that take you out and are intentional. And I think it's really cool that you guys went out to dinner for his celebratory news, which is exciting. Yes. Yes. So I need to try VR. I feel like I would be like Lara Croft Tomb Raider. You know, I've got like both my like weapons. Like, was it fun? Like, what was the, what was the virtual world that you were in?

Um, it was like dragons and demons and like dead people. Yeah, but it— but you are like, you have like a vest and you have things around your arms and around your ankles, and then you have of course the set, but then also like the headset. So you're in it and they give you like the actual weapon. So like They have like fans that emulate like when you're moving around and all this stuff. And then like if somebody's killing you or hitting you, like your vest will vibrate. And then like if you die, you actually see everyone that you're in the room with in the VR world. So you can like move around or like save each other. It was so fun. We were all sweating profusely at the end of the 30-minute game. It was so much fun.

Okay, Matthew, I need to find one of those in Houston because that sounds like so much fun.

Truly, it was just kidlike and it was great. I was like, let me not think about work for a few hours.

I love that.

Okay.

What are you in between right now? Okay. I am—

I think that I've shared this on the pod before, but I am a recovering perfectionist and it can creep in my life in different ways where I expect so much out of myself and it's either 100% or We categorize it as failure, and I've healed through that a lot through the years, and I've learned a lot of tools on how to deal with that. And I feel like as I grow, there's new layers to that, and they can feel like there's no progress. But really, I have to remind myself this is a new layer of that. And so, in full transparency, actually. Saturday night, I kind of had like almost panic attack, and I hadn't had that in a while. And so I think that I'm just in a point in my business career and life where I'm trying to accomplish a lot of different goals. I have a lot of different projects. I'm trying to make time for my family. I'm trying to celebrate my boyfriend. There's just like a lot of different ways that I feel like I'm being stretched. There's like goals that intimidate me, projects that scare me, like things that I'm like. All of it is happening at once. And so while I was using the tools that I know to cope with that, I wasn't using it fully. And it's almost like I knew better. I knew better to, on a week that things were so heavy, to cope and to journal and to walk through stuff and not just move through the next thing.

Yeah.

But sometimes it just feels like you have to. And so I guess where I'm at is I went through that moment and it was really weird. We were watching TV and my boyfriend just reaches over and starts massaging my neck. I just start crying.

Aww.

And I was like, I cannot believe how much stress and tension I'm holding and how overwhelmed. And that it just started hitting me. And so I think that after that emotional release, that I went through and realizing my chest was very tight, I couldn't breathe. I just felt all these things that I wasn't performing at 100% in everything in my life. I realized my old habits were creeping back in. And so all of this to say, in that moment, in that specific moment, it felt like, Astra, do you know better? This is not who we are. We know how to cope with these things and everything. But past that moment, I was able to just speak to myself and say, okay, well, we're learning in a new layer. We're like, this is a learning opportunity. Like, where are the stressors? How can we grow in them? And it was like a breakthrough in my business too, because that moment made me realize like, okay, I have been managing things that I used to do When my business was not at this growth, but I haven't adjusted it to now, but I still keep trying to do all these things manually. And so how can we adjust this? Because this is not feasible for the future. And then a lot of ideas came through and it's been such a great week already. And I like have been empowering my team. So anyway, it was just like all of this to say, if you are an entrepreneur, I think it's recognizing that just because we conquer one thing, it doesn't mean it's not going to pop up in a different way later on. And it's just like an ever-evolving, growing process of some of our weaknesses. And it's still growth, I feel like, is like the biggest thing that I had to take away from it.

Yeah. I'm sorry that that manifested into a panic attack though, or like an almost panic attack. That's Mm-hmm. Can be really scary and it can feel very like you don't necessarily have control over your breath or over your body. And also, like, that narrative of I should know better is, you know, like, as much as that you feel like you wanna be in control, a lot of that is just guilt and shame. 'Cause you're like, oh, I know, I know, like, all the tools and I know all that. And it's like, If anything, that reaction to like your neck and the emotional release was an indicator that something was off. And sometimes we don't always know when the indicator sign is on. And so sometimes our body will tell us if we're so, you know, focused on other things. So I'm really proud of you. You are navigating so much right now. And at the same time, like—

Thank you.

I see you still being intentional with like your lifestyle. And like, I know that can be hard to not want to lean into just the business only. And like, you're still making time for life and you're still making time to celebrate and for social things and for your body. And so like, you're doing an incredible job. And even when it doesn't feel like it, like you're doing such a good job.

Thank you. Thank you.

And like, I hope that you're proud of that. And I know that though, when you hear that though, like, it doesn't always feel that way. Like, I don't know, like, are you proud? Do you feel proud? Or is there like this underlying thing of like, it's not enough? Because I struggle with that of like, people are like, oh my gosh, it's so great. And you're like, yeah, but like, I could have a little bit more and this could be better. And I could have done this this way. And like, there's kind of this Internal narrative that will kind of undercut some of the growth.

Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I think it's almost just like it's the breaking that needs to happen for the next thing to happen in like business and stuff. And so I think Saturday I did feel that. I was like, well, but it's not enough. It's not enough in any area. And that's why I was so overwhelmed. But then after that, I was like, actually, I needed that. to be able to recognize the gaps in my personal life and in business. So that— because that's not how I want to feel often. And so it's just hard, but it's also embracing it as part of the process of growth. So, but thank you for those words. It's always really, really hard. And it's things that we all navigate with learning how to deal with stress in different layers of life. So we love it. But what are you in between?

I feel that. I mean, I would say navigating right now, navigating stress, having taken time off work that I needed to take off to be healthy and to take care of myself, and also having like really big projects with my 9 to 5 and really big projects with clients that need to be done that I had to push off. And I leave for Europe in 9 days. And I have 6 business days between now and then to get a lot done. And so when you put it into that and like, yes, working on the weekends, but that's a harsh boundary for me. Like, I will if I need to, but I don't want to be like, I'm gonna have to work all day Sunday. That's just not my vibe.

Mm-hmm.

So I am navigating like just owning what I can control on a daily basis Taking one day at a time. And in the past, when I'm getting ready for like a big trip, I think that I romanticize like the planning and getting ready and like everything is just so like organized. And that's just not the case for Italy this time around. Like, I don't know what's gonna happen, but we're gonna have a great time when we get there. And we, my friend Emma and I, have been planning the itinerary the last couple of months. Like, We have everything booked. I do need to get my international driver's license still.

Ooh.

But I already have like my form filled out. I just need to go get, you have to have 2 passport photos.

Oh.

Like you have to like bring in like from Walgreens or wherever, you have to have passport photos. And then you have to have your form. So I have everything but my photos and then I need to go into AAA next week and like get my international driver's license. And so, There's just a lot that I need to get done, and I think I can get overwhelmed and avoid because of all that's on my list. So I am fighting that tendency, pushing through that, getting things done. I also like put this last week, I put this in my head that like, oh, I'm gonna get— I'm gonna have the book done by the time I leave next Saturday. Why did I do that? You know?

Oh no.

What? Yeah, that's just like not gonna happen. The, you know, I have 3 and a half more chapters left.

Nice.

Which is really exciting. Um, like the book will be done in 3 and a half chapters, so that's awesome. And if I wanna work on that while I'm in Italy, great. But this pressure, this pressure to get everything done in all these categories of life is just so unrealistic. And, um, I just don't wanna lean into that like overachiever Yeah. Because it's like, for what? You know, like, we're, we're killing ourselves in all these different categories, but let's do really well in these categories. But like, we don't have to add on all of these other random things that we need to be good at, um, right now. So absolutely, that's what I mean, in between. And just, you know, it's the same thing as you said, but just like it comes up in a different way all the time.

Absolutely. I feel like that is something that a lot of people who are very goal-oriented and just have— we're dreamers, right? We're like, oh, we want to— we have this project, or I want my life to feel this way. And we love that. And sometimes what comes with having that quality is that we tend to put a lot on our plates, whether it's a fun thing. We're like, I must have fun Sunday because it's on my life balance goal sheet.

Literally. I know.

And it's like, why am I so stressed about this? And I just feel that, and I love that we're talking about this on the pod because I'm sure so many of our listeners relate. And I think that when we're able to just release the pressure, prioritize, and then just be in the moment, like, okay, we're not going to— we'll worry about that tomorrow. No matter what we have today, these are the plans for today. And then tomorrow will bring its own stress.

So exactly, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to focus on what I can control. And like, I don't want to do any of it if I'm not having fun. So me adding this like an extra layer of performance and like extra layer of pressure is just not helpful. So working on that, but let's talk about boundaries. I'm really excited about this conversation.

This goes hand in hand with our stress.

We have to set our own boundaries with others, with, with ourselves, with our time. Yeah.

Oh, well, let's start first with what is a boundary?

Yeah. So I actually have the quote. Can I read that quote now?

Yes. Yes. Okay.

So I read a book back in 2020 called Boundaries, and it's when to say yes, how to say no, to take control of your life. And it's by Henry Cloud. Highly recommend, like such a good book. Um, so there's a quote I wanted to read about boundaries. It says, boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and where someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices that you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking. And I feel like this does a really great job explaining the role that boundaries can play. And I love this piece of like, a boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins.

Mm-hmm.

And I just freaking love that. And another analogy that he says in his book is boundaries are like a fence. They're not like a brick wall. And it really hit me because I have always looked at boundaries of like, oh, you hurt me, brick wall. Oh, you You disappointed me. You betrayed me. Brick wall. And how he put it is like, when someone crosses a boundary, hurts you, you feel frustrated, you feel resentful. Those are signs that someone has crossed some sort of boundary with you. It's an opportunity to put a fence, you know, between you and the situation. And a fence you can see through. And a fence also has a gate. And a gate that you can open and close at your choosing.

Absolutely.

And I think that's really beautiful because it just shows that boundaries are the opportunity for you to let, kind of, not necessarily fully control, but you have more say in what energy is flowing in and out of your life. And that's what boundaries have meant to me and how I've, I've tried to change my brick wall mentality. To more of fences and gates and having it be more flowing and less necessarily firm. Yeah.

I feel like boundaries, it's almost like the tool that we need to free ourselves from victim mentality because we take back that ownership. So even if somebody else has crossed a boundary with us, we still get the choice of what happens next. If something feels uncomfortable or someone said something, we still get the choice of what we say and do afterwards or how much access we allow that person into our lives. And I love that quote that you read. Dr. Henry Cloud is absolutely amazing. And just being able to say the boundaries is where we gain our freedom. It is where we communicate to others what we want and what we're— how we're able to express those needs. And a lot of times we don't see it that way. We see it like the brick, you know, and it's not a fence. And I think that that is so powerful too, because in our family and our friendships, there can be such hard seasons of life. And I remember specifically whenever I went through my divorce and I had to really set some boundaries with people around me that I love deeply, that I didn't want to push away, that they didn't do anything wrong. But at the same time, I was like, for my own wellbeing, I need us to— I would love to hang out with you. And I don't want to talk about this topic. I want to talk about, I am separate from that. I am a whole human being. And there was different sets of boundaries that I had to put with the people in my life. And now those have— faded. I mean, it's been so many years since that. And so now I love to talk to him more about my personal life and how I've grown and how I've developed. But at that point in time, it was just too close to the people. It was just too close to me. And I needed to figure out— here's something that was huge for me with boundaries. I needed to figure out first what I wanted and what I needed.

Yeah.

And when you have all these voices around you, you can't figure that out. And so I think a part of building a boundary is it's almost like protecting the relationship and protecting yourself. And I always like to start a boundary with saying what will be the benefit of it to then bring what it is. So for example, I would love to hang out with you and I would prefer if we didn't talk about that instead of just shying away altogether from hanging out with them, which is what I would've tended to do. Or I would love if we— just insert that. They can see the benefit of how you're protecting the relationship, but then be like, okay, this is what you need right now too.

I love that you said the piece about when you have so many voices speaking into your life, it can be really difficult to know which one's yours and what it is that you want and what it is that maybe you need to take action on something, you need to make a choice. And when you have a lot of input, it can be difficult to know what you want versus what other people are speaking into your life. And something that I really had to work on was that when people in my life were giving me their opinion and their input, I saw that as control.

Hmm.

Because that's just my own stuff. That's my own stuff I'm working through. And so I would put a brick wall there. Where they were really just giving me their input. It was a lot more lighthearted than I made it. But I put a really firm boundary of no outside opinions. And that's not how I wanted to live my life either. But I know that a boundary was being crossed and I know that I didn't necessarily like what was happening, but I didn't know how to communicate it. Like, and I think that's a piece here too, is like when you have people in your life that you want to continue a relationship with, but there's something about the relationship that you just don't really know, but it kind of makes you feel a little off. Like, you know, when they talk about something specific or when they, when they do something or bring up a topic and you don't necessarily even know why, but internally you just start feeling like your alarm bells are going off. I didn't even necessarily get to that point. I just knew that after I would talk to a certain person, I would just kind of feel a little frustrated. I would just feel like exasperated, like, um, what is that called? Like, um, exacerbated or, or exhausted, whatever. I would just kind of feel very like, uh, and I didn't want to feel that way. And I, I realized it was because There were certain topics or the way that this person would go about, you know, bringing up input that did feel very like inserting. And so how I, like, for example, with my mom, um, I grew up in a very like everyone kind of just shared their opinion about things, about anything, not even just about like your life. It was just like— Here's my opinion on the weather. Here's my opinion on like what so-and-so did last Tuesday. Like, it's just, here's my thoughts, very open, um, and very vocal. So then how that showed up in my life is when I was trying to make different decisions, it was very normal for people, you know, like my mom to have thoughts on it. And when I got older, I realized like, I don't like that. We need more boundaries. We need more boundaries in the relationship. And I would say that, but she didn't necessarily know what that meant because I wasn't specific. I just knew that I was frustrated about the way that our relationship was. I wanted it to be better. I wanted to handle things better. And I also wanted to improve the way that we would handle conflict. And so I would just say, I just want more boundaries. And she didn't know— What that meant. What that meant. And so I think when you are trying to instill more boundaries in your relationship, being specific with the people in your life on exactly what it is that you don't want to talk about or where you want to set the boundary. Because then my mom felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. She's like, okay, we need more boundaries. Like, ah, I don't know what that means, but I don't want to piss you off, so I'm just gonna like tiptoe around you. And that's not a healthy relationship either.

Mm-hmm.

So we navigated through that. And, you know, we got more specific and have a really healthy relationship now. But there were definitely some moments and some years there where we kind of struggled through like, what does it mean to have boundaries in our relationship? So that's like my messy explanation of trying to have more clear boundaries with my parents and my mom specifically that has helped me.

Absolutely. I love how you mentioned how we can feel in our bodies that we need a boundary. But then there's the action of actually creating the boundary, and that can be very overwhelming. For me, my tendency was I would feel it in my body, But then just the action of talking to that person and how they might react and how they might take it the wrong way felt so exhausting that I was like, you know what, whatever, I'll just like not say it. Because it is more exhausting right now to talk to them and deal with their reaction. And then they'll start crying. And then they'll start, you know, all these things. And all I meant was this small request that I had. And so I think that Being able to put it into practice is being able to, for me, starting with small things also helped to build the confidence in how to create a boundary. And so for example, say you're going to a family gathering and your family will hang out for hours, but you know that you want to, you need to like get home to do your laundry and do your stuff and set yourself up for the week. Being able to walk in and just say, hey, I'm so excited to be here. Just a heads up, I have to leave at 5:00 PM, but I'm excited to hang out here. I always start with something positive, then add the boundary, and then I'll finish up on a positive note. And this is probably my reactiveness, but it works. And so you're able to go a little bit on the lighter front.

Yeah.

And you'll probably feel the adrenaline rush if you're not used to doing that often. But you'll do it and it'll feel good and you'll be able to manage that really well, whatever reaction But then whenever it comes to bigger topics, like someone might be telling you where you should go to school or how you should manage your career or your relationship, who you should date, your marriage, et cetera, then you'll be able to have built that muscle to create that boundary with them. And so I think another layer too of boundaries is the small side of things that creates healthy relationships. It's not just for building the muscle, but it's being able to get what you want or express what you need to the people around you so that you can also have that healthy life that you deserve. So whatever goals you might have on healthy routines and gym, or maybe you're eating healthier and you're not wanting to go out and do certain things like that.

This happened this week.

My boyfriend was like, oh, we should go get ice cream. And I was like, oh, that sounds amazing. And like, I've really been trying to eat a lot healthier during the week specifically. And so I was like, actually, I can't, but if you want one, I'll go with you to get one. And so I think it's understanding that we can choose different paths and it's not personal. So it's not for him. It's not like I'm rejecting him and maybe— He saw it just as a bonding opportunity. The ice cream wasn't really the thing, it was the moment.

Spending time together.

I'm still keeping that together and I'm like, hey, I'll go with you. But I'm still keeping my boundary of like, hey, I actually need to eat healthy. Or if we're going to go eat out to eat, will they have a healthier option for me? Because I'm trying to stick to that. And so it can be just as light as that. And that feels so good in your body to be like, sticking to the things that I promised to myself that I would do this week.

Yeah, absolutely. Like the piece about— the piece that you said of like, I want to do what's right by me. I think we take boundaries that other people set with us personally. I think that's natural. Like we, you know, we take it personal when someone sets a boundary with us. And at the same time, how I have tried to look at it is like when I'm setting boundaries, I'm not doing it to hurt anyone. I'm not doing it to hurt the other person or to make the other person feel some type of way. It's truly what's best for me. And so if I can flip that script and receive someone's boundary and say they are doing what's best for them, then I want to respect that. It has nothing to do with me. And how can I support that? Like, yes, I'm a piece of it because they're setting the boundary with me. But this is really about them and what they need and just making sure that I'm able to respect that. Now, what about reinforcing? It's like you've set a boundary with someone, whether that's like, hey, I'm not drinking right now. Can we find other activities that don't have to do with going to a bar? Or whether it's like, hey, I'm with your partner. Like, hey, I'm going to start getting up at 6 in the morning to go for a walk before work. I really need to be in bed and asleep by 10, 10:30, like that kind of, you know, but if they're on their phone watching TikToks while you're trying to go to sleep, like that is a boundary, you know, calling myself out here on this one.

Went there.

Yeah. But it's like, okay, you've said it and then you gotta re-say it and you gotta set it again and again and again. And so How do you handle resetting a boundary and reminding the person? Because sometimes the first time you do it, you're nervous about it, or maybe not. But then if you have to do it again and again and again, I think that's where things start to feel more strained or can feel strained on a relationship.

Yeah, absolutely. I feel like This might just be me, but I think communicating how it's making you feel rather than being like, hey, you're violating my boundary, right? Like, you may be whenever you said your boundary. That's funny. I'm just translating that word from Spanish to English and it sounded rough in English. But anyway, but I think whenever you might say, for example, I need to go to bed at X time because I want to wake up at 6. You're not explicitly saying like, hey, I am setting a boundary with you. I need to go to bed at this time. You're just stating the action. And so sometimes on the receiving end, they don't know the level of like gravity that, you know, like it means to you, or like it's an intention.

Yeah.

Do you want to start now? Are you starting next week, etc.? So I think if that has been crossed, then being able to have a conversation and be like, hey, I mentioned that I really wanted to go to bed at this time, but then you were on your phone. And while that's like your action, I can't really fall asleep with that. And so that made me feel really disrespected. And it's really important for me to feel supported in my goals with you. Is there like a time that we can come to terms on like when we can both go to bed. And that would work for both of us for a morning routine. So trying to kind of find a compromise, explaining how it's making you feel, I feel like is important in healing too, because it has been crossed. You have been hurt, or insert feeling. And I feel like clearing the air before moving on is so important because otherwise that's how resentment really builds up. And then being able to explicitly say, this is really important to me. How can we make this happen? So when you can be so direct with that, they're like, oh, okay, I didn't realize this was that important to you. And that's happened to me before. Like, I've said something with my partner, and then later on I tell them how it made me feel, and they're like, whoa, I am so sorry. I had no idea that this landed in the important category. So I think giving them grace too, if it's been like first time, you know, that they That also brings up an interesting conversation around expectations.

So when you're setting a boundary, and you're communicating that, also being clear with what those expectations are, like, this is important to me, I want to communicate like that this, this is up here, this is level, this is level like 10, or whatever it is, and setting those expectations along with the boundary. I completely agree because when it, like, when I'm thinking about certain situations in my life that have happened where I am trying to communicate a boundary, I'm also trying to communicate like how this has made me feel. And also if this continues.

Mm-hmm.

Like, this is, this is, this is how I foresee our relationship breaking down if this continues. This is how I'm gonna end up feeling. And then I'm gonna retreat. Because I've tried and I'm going to, you know, just kind of self-preserve. And I kind of walk out not as a threat, but as like, if we continue on this path together, this is how I see it playing out. And I don't want that. And so I'm trying to set this expectation.

Right.

I'm trying to set this boundary with you, have this deeper conversation because When I look at our future, this is what I see, and that makes me sad, and I don't want that. So like, help me and, and help us make a plan so that we don't end up that way. And I have had that with like family before. And because you're, you're family, you want to have a long future and a long life together. But when there's boundaries and like missed expectations and a lot of things going left unsaid, You start to feel resentful, you start to feel frustrated, and I start looking at the future.

Yeah.

I'm like, wow, like, is this what our relationship's gonna be like forever? Like, is this how it's gonna be like every time I come home? Is this what it's gonna be like, you know, around the holidays every year? Like, you kind of start to tack on the frustration to future you because you're frustrated now, you're not seeing any hope for things to get better. And so do you then like almost catastrophize the future of the relationship because you don't see a way for it to improve? And so I think where boundaries come in is you're able to say like, this is why I think we need to set this boundary now, because I, I want a different future for our relationship.

Yeah, definitely. I love that you brought this up because this also reminds me of like the importance of boundaries in the work Yes. And being able to communicate that. So for example, say that your boss keeps contacting you after hours or like constantly is asking you to stay later to finish up projects. And that's really, it's not just a season, it's like constant. Being able to have that conversation and say, hey, it's really important for me to have work-life balance. And it was my understanding that I would be done with work for the most part at this time. I'm flexible when there's specific projects, but it seems like for the past month, for the past 2 months, this has been the expectation. So insert future reference, like, I want to be clear and I want to know, is this going to be the expectation going forward? Because if so, that is not something that I am looking forward to, and I need to know that for my own career and like where I'm headed. And being able to be clear about that with your leader is something that I see often where people will start looking for new job opportunities and leave a job because sometimes they weren't— they didn't have those conversations with their boss and it could have been fixed with a boundary. Like maybe that's okay with them. They abuse their own boundaries with work. And so they think that you're going to as well. And it's also a projection. But if you set that boundary and they care about you, they'll respect that, hopefully. And if they don't, then that will tell you absolutely, like, you need to move elsewhere. But I've had that before in a role where, like, they didn't really have boundaries with work, but I did. And once I communicated that, it was not crossed again. And they respected my time. They respected my time off. And they're like, hey, I'm so sorry that you're on vacation. Don't even worry about it. But just when you get back, here's what I need. Et cetera. And so there is a way to meet in the middle. But I think that a lot of people would have assumed in my role and been like, well, he's like that, or she's like that. So I just need to find a whole new job because everything will be better there. A whole new manager because everything will be better there.

Lies.

And I think, I think just being able to know that you're gonna have to set boundaries No matter who the partner is, who the leader is, who it is in our family, it's just part of life. So we can't just keep running away from the habit creation of setting boundaries.

Yeah. I'm really glad you brought that up. I had a mentor of mine whenever I was— this was a couple years ago. She said, whenever you're thinking of leaving a job, just be aware that you're always trading your current job's problems for your future job's problems. Like, what's bothering you now at your current job might not bother you at your— at this future job, but there will be other problems. So the grass is not always greener. And just be really aware of, like, are the problems that you do have, are they solvable? Can you solve them? Can you work on them before trying to go find another, another role? And I think the same thing applies to friendships. It applies to partnerships, like relationships. Yeah, I think that's really important. Another thing too is like boundaries in friendships and in non-romantic relationships. I think it can be like a boundary can also be like, I, and I guess this is a little bit of an expectation as well, but it's like, I would love to have a touchpoint with you once a month. Or I'd love to FaceTime with you once a month or every 6 weeks. Oh, are you back? She's back. I lost you for a bit. But having those expectations, or if you have a friend that's texting you a lot and you're like, I literally can't text you every day. Also setting that expectation too of like, hey girl, I freaking love you. You know, like, you're my best gal. And I am so busy on the daily. But like, I'll probably most likely just check up with you this weekend. And so I think like managing your expectations and setting some of those boundaries with your friends in terms of communication can also make them not feel like left out.

too.

Like, you know, some friends are more chatty, some friends aren't. Some friends only talk in DMs, some friends only text or call. Like, everyone has very different communication styles. And so making sure that, like, you're able to communicate what works for you and also the frequency that works for you in your friendships.

Absolutely. I love that you brought that up because if anything, boundaries is the tool to build something together. So every time that you communicate it, it's like you're setting down a layer or a brick that you're creating this like little home, whether it's your friendship or your relationship or your career home. Like, you are creating that together and you're getting— it's an opportunity to get to know each other too. And so I feel like in those moments where I have set boundaries with people in my life that I love and that are safe and that care about me, it's led to these breakthroughs in our relationship of, I didn't realize that was important to you. Or, oh, tell me more. You're wanting to spend more time alone. Oh, cool. What kind of brought that on? Or, after I did that thing, how was it? I'm so happy that you got that time that you needed. And so we all have different needs. And so being able to communicate that, communicate The why too, I feel like has been important, at least in my relationship. I don't know that that's necessary everywhere, but specifically in my relationship, whenever I have to set a boundary and be like, hey, I need to step away for today. I'm feeling heavy. I'm feeling stressed. And I need to self-regulate before I hang out with you because I don't want to bring this on.

Mm-hmm.

Is way better than being like, Hey, I'll see you tomorrow. I can't see you today. Like, both are a boundary. One is hurtful and the other one isn't, right? One is caring and the other one— so being able to, like, being able to communicate that, I think, is also really important. But overall, it's an invitation to get to know each other more. It's an invitation to build together, and it's an invitation to let each person be their own selves in our friendships and relationships overall. Amen.

Amen. Retweet. One thing that we haven't mentioned is boundaries with yourself. So I know that could probably be like a whole other episode on that. But, you know, we've talked a lot about on the pod, like habits and mindset and routines. And I think a way that I've been able to have like a more disciplined life are the boundaries that I have placed in my life for me. So even though I'm having conversations with like my friends and my family are like, hey, I'm taking a break from alcohol, or like, you know, I'm coming home, I'll do some of my own grocery shopping, or I'll work with my mom on some of the meals, like meals that I know Matthew and I like would love to eat. She's happy to make them. It's collaborative. But then also I'm not like eating things that, you know, might not like Settle with my stomach well or whatever. So all that to say, like self boundaries, I also think are a way where you're setting expectations with yourself. You're keeping promises to yourself, and you're allowing yourself to be firm in the places where you need to be firm in order to hit your goals, in order to stay committed, stay consistent. Like that has changed the way that I've been able to live my life because I have given myself permission to be more. Firm of like, this is my boundary. This is my bedtime. This is my wake-up time. This is when I start work. These are my time anchors. And these are the behaviors I need to lean into. I need to move. I need to journal. I need to connect with my people. And I have those down. And when I don't uphold those boundaries and I let myself just loosey-goosey live life, I feel that. Like, I feel that on the back end. What do you think about, like, the— or how have you kind of navigated setting some of your own boundaries for yourself?

Yeah, I think that's so beautiful that you brought up, because a lot of times also, like, from a woman perspective, like, we're kind of a little bit conditioned to give in. Like, oh well, I'll just like Yeah, I'll go to my like family member's birthday party even though I'm exhausted. I need to actually get this done, and I'll overstretch myself to make everyone around me feel like I love them. And so how can we rewrite that right of I love you? And is this really the best use of our time? Right? Like I love you, and I can't come to your birthday party tonight, but I would love to take you out to dinner this. Weekend when I have more time available. That is keeping your own boundary of, I have this routine to adhere to, or what do I need right now? And so I think that there's that layer of people pleasing healing that needs to happen as we set these boundaries with self, because that is— we'll usually keep those boundaries with others, but not with ourselves. And overall, I think it's the intentionality of creating the life that you want and freeing yourself from needing to be everything to everyone and needing to do everything to everyone. And that is hard. It's very, very hard. But being able to focus in on, okay, this month, what are the most important things that will make me feel peace? What are the most important things that will help me feel fulfilled, that will help me feel healthy, that will help me feel like I am managing my resources well, then creating boundaries around that because we— it's unrealistic to expect us to do all of it.

Mm-hmm.

So I think that crafting your life and being able to create those boundaries around the things that you said are important to you is essential. And then communicating it to others because I don't know if this has happened to you, but you might be like, oh, I really need to get better at eating healthier. And so I am trying to eat healthier, but I will self-sabotage a little bit and not let those around me know because then it's like, oh well, that's what they wanted to eat. And so it's like, oh well, that's, that's what they cooked, right? And so being able to take that ownership and add that extra layer of self-boundary by communicating, because the people around you will love you and will help support that boundary that you have created as well.

Yeah, agreed, agreed. I love that. This has been such a good conversation. I love this theme.

It's great.

What are we gonna do next month?

Literally, I feel like we feel that every month though, and then somehow it happens.

So the next 2 topics we're going to be talking about: navigating conflict and setting expectations.

Mm-hmm.

And for yourself, as well as with the people in your life. I love this because I think so much of our personal growth, like you and I, we have just learned so much in our 20s how to do this for ourselves. We've done it awkward, we've done it messy, we've done it where it hurts, we've done it where it's been really helpful. Like, we haven't always gotten it right. And I think just having like an open conversation with the pod fam has been really great. And hopefully this has helped you and, and helped you navigate, you know, better, better communication, setting boundaries. And yeah, I'm excited to— that we brought this to the pod.

Me too. And if you find yourself in the middle of a certain topic or conflict that you would like some input and feel free to DM us. We will of course not share your name, we'll keep it anonymous, but we're here to help. And if that's something that you're navigating, we would love to help you out as well. And so our Instagram is @inbetween.pod. You can also message me @astrajohannaphoto.

Or me @alexistechmiller. And if you're feeling generous, leave us a review on Spotify or iTunes or wherever you're listening. And we'll see you next week. Bye.