Community is Everything: How to Surround Yourself with People that Enrich Your Life and Business

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between.

Hello friends, and welcome back to another episode Welcome to another episode of The In Between Podcast. This is one of your hosts, Astrid.

And the other half of the pod, Alexis. And today on the podcast, we're going to be talking about community. And I really do feel that community is everything, who you surround yourself with, the people that influence you, your mentors, people that you seek advice from. They really can influence us, they can enrich our lives. And sometimes when we have community that's not really aligned, we also feel the pain of that. And so we're going to be talking through just some tips and ways that Astrid and I approach finding an enriching community, finding mentorship, how we cultivate healthy friendships, as well as in our businesses where we seek consulting or coaching for those areas that we need, you know, more support in and just normalizing that. So I'm really excited about this topic. And before we dive in, do you want to do any life updates?

Well, it's been a pretty crazy month and week in my life. And so actually last week after we finished recording a podcast, my family experienced a very, very intense situation. It was like an emergency level with my stepdad. And so Thankfully, he's okay now, but we just spent the afternoon in the hospital and it was just really hard. And I think in that moment, I just realized truly how short life is. I think some of those moments can just snap us back into the grand scheme of things.

Yeah.

As well as how grateful I am for my family. The fact that all of us will drop anything at any moment to be with each other. And it's like, That felt so good to see that we have truly each other's back. And even in the small things, like I've chosen a career and something that— and chosen a business that I have the freedom that there's an emergency, I can stop and go whenever. And I make that choice when my family needs me. And I've been in positions before where I had to wait and ask permission from my boss. And then it's almost too late to get going and all of that. And so, You know, just a very sobering situation. And, um, yeah, I've just been reflecting a lot on that this past weekend and journaling through a lot of those things. And, um, honestly just recovering from like all the emotional stuff from it. So nothing as exciting on my end right now, a little bit more on the sad front, but you know, that's life.

It is life. It truly is. Thank you so much for sharing that. And I'm so glad that he's okay. And I do think like it's very sobering when we have family or things in our lives that come up unexpectedly and they kind of remind you of one, like the closeness with your family, and then also the reality of life being very short.

Mm-hmm.

And it does take a lot of that reflection. And I'm proud of you for making space for yourself to like feel those feelings. And kind of move through them and with them because it is something that like can feel very triggering.

Yeah.

And then like our body and our cortisol levels and just so much of that experience that comes down from that too. So I'm glad you were able to take some time, be with your family, and just continue to process that too. Like it's not something that like happens one day and then the next day you're like, okay, I've processed it and I'm over it. It's something that does take time.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you so, so much. What has been new in your world?

Well, um, let's see.

We—

well, this feels very like odd to bring up after something that's like very serious. Um, but we are rounding out Whole30, which has been good. Learning a lot, learning a lot about what I want to take into like my wellness journey moving forward from this experience. And basically, like, from a nutrition perspective, what kinds of foods really fuel me and what kinds of foods not necessarily are bad, but just don't really help my goals or help my energy levels. And so it's been a really interesting experience. I did Whole30 about 4 years ago. And while I learned a lot, this feels like very top of mind now. I'm like, I'm thinking about potentially experimenting with paleo.

Hmm.

And like seeing how that goes. So overall, Matthew and I have learned a lot. And I also feel like I, I want to tap in more to like wellness this year and like learning about nutrition, learning about my hormones, learning about like skincare, and like just going really deep into like holistic clean products and like knowing more about my body and like what my body needs. So I feel like Whole30 was a helpful way to kick off the year with that intention. So yeah, I'm excited. There's still so much about life and our bodies to learn about. And, um, yeah, it's been a good experience.

Oh, I'd love to hear that. I feel like being able to test out such different products and different ways of eating is such a great way to see what feels good to us and what makes us feel more energized, or what didn't make us feel so energized. And you're like, actually, I need a lot more food than that, or a Yeah. A lot more carbs than that. But being able to test a few things is huge. And in different seasons of life, like, our bodies change so much as well. So I'm excited for you and this journey and to learn as well what you learn along the path of it all. Because it's always— well, speaking of community, like, if your community is into wellness and growing and learning, you buy products, learn those things, and you're like, oh, maybe I'll try that too.

So Yeah, I do.

We need to take care of that.

I completely agree. And it's funny because a lot of my friends in Houston are on their own wellness journeys. And one of my friends has a nutritionist, so she's sharing what she learned. And one of my friends healed her skin through her diet. And so she's sharing what she's learned through that. And so it's really interesting how much that actually is influencing me in a positive way. And I also started listening to the podcast Pursuit of Wellness. Okay. By Mari. She's like a big influencer. Um, hold on, I feel like this is worth me, um, looking up. Mari Lewin. Um, she's like 1.5 million followers. She's the founder of Bloom, like the Bloom Greens.

Oh yes, yes.

Her podcast Pursuit of Wellness is honestly really— not, not like I'm surprised by it, but like Sometimes wellness podcasts can be like too, I don't know, like as someone that's just getting into it, I'm like, oh, this is very approachable. Like I can, I can like listen to this and apply things. Sometimes wellness podcasts are like, you need to be doing infrared for 30 minutes and then you got a cold plunge for 20.

Literally.

I'm like, okay, this is way too much for me. So highly recommend that podcast.

I love that. I'm definitely going to listen to that one. Another one too that I've been loving lately is Wellness Her Way with Gracie Norton. Have you seen her?

Yes, I follow her on TikTok, but I didn't realize that she had a podcast.

Yes, she just started it, I think a few months ago with Dear Media. But she is huge on sharing her journey and how she healed her hormones and her acne and all that stuff. And so her podcast, she shares some of her stuff, but she also interviews a lot of people. So last week it was the founder from Primally Pure, which is a lot of very amazing beauty products. And this week it was somebody else. I haven't fully listened to it, but yeah, she is fantastic. They also just talk a lot. Like today they were talking about— yeah, that was a good one.

Just follow the podcast.

It's amazing. But it's like, okay, it's more realistic. It's not like a 20,000 routine. And it's a very real approach where she was talking about, hey, I still have insane blackheads. What should I do for that? And they're just talking through very real girly things. So I love it. Okay.

I'm going to add that to my wellness podcast routine. I feel like I'm going to really dive into that this year. I'm excited.

We need a PowerPoint presentation at the end of this recording.

I will. I will.

At the end of Q1. 1, 2, 3.

Hormone balancing.

I love it. Yeah, well, if you, um, are new around here, every single episode we always share what season of life we find ourselves in between. So Alexis, what do you currently find yourself in between?

Well, for those of you that follow me on Instagram, you know that I accidentally chemically burned my face. Yeah. So in the pursuit of wellness, I am like trying out different products on my skin. And unfortunately, I mixed retinol with benzoyl peroxide, which is an acne cream. And I didn't test them on my skin first. I left them on, I layered them, and I slept in them overnight. And I burnt the left side of my face. So, what I'm in between is actually like, this has brought up a lot of insecurity in like how I feel about myself because like this whole side of my face is red and burnt. I'm on like day 4 of healing as we're recording this. So, it does look better and it is healing. I'm very thankful for that. But, It's like, I do feel like how we feel about our appearance plays a role in our confidence. And when we feel, you know, not our best physically, emotionally, it impacts our confidence. And so something I've had to literally coach myself through is just because I have this chemical burn on my face doesn't make me any less valuable. It doesn't make, you know, my— my dreams, who I am, any less important? I can still show up. I thought about literally just deleting the Instagram app because I didn't want to show my face on camera. And I also have a very Zoom-heavy job at my job at Circle. So I'm like, what am I going to do? I also burnt my face so I can't put makeup on it. It's really not healthy for the burn.

Mm-hmm.

So I just felt like this this feeling of wanting to hide actually come up like pretty deeply with this. I know that that might seem superficial, but like when something like that happens, you don't know how you're gonna react internally, right? And I was like, how do I combat this? Like how do I challenge myself to still show up, feel confident in my skin, not wear makeup on all of my Zoom calls, Does that make me less professional? You know, am I going to feel less attractive? Like, what's so-and-so going to think of me? Are they going to respect me less because I like have this burn on my face? I know that sounds silly, but like those are real thoughts that can go through our head. And I've just been in between like accepting the fact that this happened. It's okay, I made a mistake. I've certainly learned to not mix powerful skincare products at the same time. And also like, how do I want to move through this with grace and empathy instead of like, I should have known better. I'm so stupid. I'm such an idiot. That's not helpful. And also how can I still show up on Instagram and be like, so friends, I burnt my face and this is what happened and here's how you can avoid it and here's what I recommend. And then I've gotten so much good feedback from women. Who have either accidentally done the same thing, and so they're like, "Thank you so much for sharing because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to like show up and yada yada yada." And then the other aspect of it is like estheticians or skincare girlies that follow me that are like, "Hey, you need to do this. Try this ice roll. No makeup." Like really giving me very specific things. We love the girls.

It's been so help.

I'm like, "I love my community." Oh my god!

Well, props to you for. doing the exposure therapy of being like, no, I'm going to show up on camera, and I'm going to post this, and I'm going to share it. Because I've been there too. And I'm sure our listeners have also been there where something happens where we don't feel as confident in our face, in our bodies, and we want to hide. And it's— it is such an emotional experience because you feel like out of control. And you still have to keep doing live and you think they're only staring at this. I know they're not really focused on me. They're staring at my face. And a lot of times when I would bring it up, he would be like, oh no, I didn't even notice. I'm like, what do you mean you don't notice? I have this massive burn on my face. But it's really, really hard to show up like that. And so I applaud you because being able to show that online— was a way of you basically coaching yourself and doing exposure therapy and being like, okay, I am more than the way that I look. We're going to put it out there and desensitize rather than protect this perfect image and then just wait until it fully heals to then show up again. And so all hats to you. I'm so sorry you went through that. It's incredibly painful.

Yes.

It's a tough emotional spot. And it's like you can look back and kind of giggle at something and be like, okay, I learned. And then you know you're going to heal in a week. But truly that in-between spot where you're feeling all the feels, still got to show up and still have to go through that is stressful and heavy and complicated on top of everyday life. So I love you. Big virtual hug and big, big shout out to the girlies that came through and helped and encouraged. Truly.

Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I think I'm learning The importance of owning, owning it, you know, like, and I think that's a part of the process and how we show up online, but also in our relationships. So thank you. What are you in between?

Um, what am I in between? Well, I shared a little bit earlier about what my family and I were going through. And there's been a few other scenarios that have just made this month really heavy. And so Something that I've realized this past weekend is that I'm not afraid to feel these very big feelings because for better or for worse, I've been there before and I've been able to turn out okay and I've been able to conquer them. And so in a sense, I know the freedom that comes after feeling all the feels and releasing it. And so I had this big breakdown point over the weekend where it was like that gut-wrenching cry. And there was just a lot with the situation and experiencing— re-experiencing trauma and familiarity with that. Plus, one of my biggest fears, losing the people around me that I love. So it was like a threefold situation where— My emotions were just at an all-time high, and I'm also really proud of myself that I gave myself the time and space to feel it. And it was scary, and it was daunting, and I felt it like at my core, and my chest hurt, and I was hyperventilating. And an hour afterwards, I felt like a huge weight lifted. And I guess in a weird way, even in the midst of such a hard situation, I can just look back and say. Wow, I've become a lot more emotionally resilient. And hopefully someday I'll have kids, and hopefully someday my kids will see I feel big feels. I'm extremely happy, and I will get extremely sad when things happen, and we can navigate through those emotions. And it's not scary to sob because you're sad, and it's not scary to feel all those feelings, even though it's abnormal to witness someone Going through that scenario. And so I guess also just an encouragement for anyone that's going through a really hard time is take some time and space to feel it all. Like, if you're stressed, if you're overwhelmed, if you're mad, if you're anything, just take some time to feel it. And I promise you, you'll feel so much lighter afterwards without yet having to take some steps to solve the situation.

Mm-hmm.

And so Yeah, I guess for someone that spent a lot of years in freeze mode and couldn't feel at all, I guess it took me almost 15 years to now be like, oh, wow, I actually navigate through those emotions pretty well. And it was deep and it was hard, but I didn't let a lot of time and space go between that, which in any other scenario would've spiraled me into depression because I was holding onto so much.

Mm-hmm.

And so I'm just in between Still catering to what do I need in this season and realizing like we're actually navigating this really well. We're not where we think we're supposed to be just because it's familiar to a previous situation. So yeah, navigating that.

I'm so proud of you. Big virtual hug to you. Like, I think witnessing your growth through your ability to open up the full breadth of your emotions and like your capacity to feel them and not numb or not suppress or say, I don't have time for this right now. And like watching you make time for these situations, really feeling things when the triggers come, you feel it, you try to understand it.

Mm-hmm.

I think that's like so admirable and like your ability to connect dots and like say, oh, I'm feeling this because of this and that's connected to that. Like you really go deep with your feelings. And I think that is one, a testament to your growth and your healing, but also like your emotional intelligence to be able to say like, this is why I'm feeling this and I'm going to give myself space to feel it. Whereas sometimes I think the default, because life in general is complex, we can be like, I'm going to feel it later. I don't want to deal with that right now. And I feel like sometimes that is natural, or like a default setting.

Yeah.

But I'm so sorry that you and your family have been experiencing this, as well as just everything that you were kind of like maybe resurfacing things. And then feeling them again. You know, after sometimes we feel like we let that go or we heal from that and it's like, no, it's back in a different way.

Yeah. Thank you so much. I think I love this space and even being able to reflect on what you're in between because, again, I didn't really post about that on social and it's just not something I felt comfortable or thought it was right to share in that moment.

Yeah.

But being able to share this with our podcast community and be able to share like, hey, this is actually what I've been navigating. But also, if you're going through a hard time, like, you're not alone. And this is what we're in between and behind the scenes of everything that we do. And so kind of like to shift things a little bit into our topic for today, truly, I think that being able to have such a solid community of people that we know we can count on, we know we can be vulnerable with even, um, is so huge for our journey. And sometimes we focus a lot on our personal development, our own goals, our own things. And while that's all wonderful and beautiful, if you don't have a solid community around you to support that and you're pushing north but everybody else is pushing south, you're really not going to get really, really far. And so it's not about where you get, but it's about being able to get there with the right people as well and enjoy The gift of community, of support, of love, of just sharing time and space, of laughter. Like, sometimes we're so focused on our next self-development portion that we forget to really nurture those relationships or even seek them out.

Yeah, I agree. I think we can also see, especially when things are hard, like, who do you go to to seek support? Who do you lean on for advice and like, or even just to vent? Like not even, I need you to help me solve this. I just need to unload some emotional baggage, some emotional like things I need to talk about. And I think that it can be really tough when we find ourselves in a season where that's not as clear. I've been there. Like where you're not sure who to go to. And then when you find that and you have that clarity, maybe it's just 1 or 2 people in your corner outside of like maybe your partner. Like being able to have that community around you feels so much more— like you just feel loved through the hard times.

Yeah.

Whereas I do feel like if you don't have that, you have to lean on a lot of self-love When you're not— when you don't have people to necessarily go to, where it's like, I want to love myself through this, and like, I'm going to go to Astrid and she's going to love me through this too. And I think that's so beautiful. And I think it does make life feel more full and feel more meaningful. Like, yes, for the celebrations and for those harder times where we're in that low and we just need someone to talk to.

Absolutely. And I think that's where it's so important to be wise on who we choose to have in our lives. Because if we haven't spent time seeking those people that are emotionally mature, that really love us, that can set their ego aside for those situations, that can really just be a true friend, then honestly, sometimes it's more exhausting to share what's going on in your life and to seek that support because they just want the drama, they just want the tea, or they just want to help. They're not truly aware of like, hey, this is not healthy or helpful right now. So you're like, I'll just take this on my own. It's fine. I'll tell them afterwards when everything is solved. But truly, when you, when you pick the right community and the right people to be surrounded by, you'll feel more of a weight lifted off of you than more than the weight put on you in that situation too.

I agree. I think this goes for like friendships and family.

Mm-hmm.

Like in those situations I think it's helpful. And I was listening to this on Jay Shetty's podcast. I've been a big Jay Shetty stan lately. But he talked about like the importance of having people that you go to to tell you the truth, people that you go to because you want to vent. And like that's, you know, you vent to each other, you kind of emotionally unload. And then you have people that you go to to help you ideate, like help you solve problems. And like I do, when I say that, I have people that come to mind. Like, yeah, if I want someone to tell me the truth, I'm going to go to my mom. If I want someone to vent to, yes, and I'll probably go to like you. Or, and I feel like you're my problem solver. Actually, you're all 3. You're the problem solver.

All 4.

You're the problem solver, the person I go to vent to, and the person that's going to tell me the truth. And I do feel like it's rare to find someone that like fits in all those buckets, but it can be helpful to like know that because sometimes you might be going to someone who you're hoping will tell you the truth about a situation and they just kind of want that, like they just want to vent back to you about their own situation.

Yeah.

And so it's helpful for you to have awareness of like what friendships, you know, solve for different pieces of your puzzle when it comes to community. And also, some friendships are really enriching for the entertainment, fun, lightheartedness of life, and I think that's beautiful. And we can't always lean on those when we're going through hard times. What do you think? Like, how do you, how do you tell the difference of like, oh, this is someone that I really can go to?

Mm-hmm.

Versus like, I love you and you're definitely a good friend of mine, but I can't lean on you in this way when I'm searching for like that soulful community.

Yeah. Well, that's a great point. I mean, I think in general, it's— I watch a lot how they lead their own life. And so if they don't seem to have a big emotional regulation, but they love to have a good time, then that's probably what they're going to provide, right? If they're very thoughtful, intentional, they're like, oh, I just learned this thing, or was listening to the Jay Shetty podcast and blah, blah, blah, then they're a lot more introspective and will likely be introspective when I'm sharing with them and be able to set their own emotions aside. And then same thing with like, how do they just catch up and how do they talk about other people? Like, that tells me, are you going to be gossipy or are you going to be, oh, like, let me think about the other side of the other point of view, which I also think is huge because If you have people in your corner, they're automatically— we all do it— going to be biased towards you and say, yes, you're right. He sucks. She sucks. I can't believe they did this to you. And when you have very mature people, they can validate your feelings and be like, well, could they have taken this situation in this way? And help challenge some of that as well. And so I think for me at least, it's observing how people lead their own lives. And that gives me a solid gauge of like, what I can start testing out with them. And then on my side of things, I feel like trust is earned. And so when I'm first having a friendship specifically, I little by little start trusting them with more and see how they handle that. And I feel like that just goes with more time. Like, I feel like even in our relationship and our friendship, we've gone even deeper and deeper in the hard things that we're navigating with our mental health, with our lives in general. Because that trust has been built over time.

Yeah, I agree. I'm really glad that you brought up the trust point. I think another aspect that I look for is consistency. And so you kind of touched on this on like the emotional regulation side of things, but is this person consistent? And is there— are their actions consistent? Are they— is their communication consistent? And I'm not saying we need to text every day, but I do find the, the relationships in which communication is more frequent, that trust and that relationship and that frequency has been built up. And so when something does, you know, I want to celebrate this happened, or I want to update you, or like, hey, this happened in my family, or like, I'm going through this, I am more apt to reach out to that person. Whereas whenever we have friendships that like, you know, they're our good time friendships, Mm-hmm. They're like, that consistency isn't necessarily there. And so because of that, I'm gonna reach for people that I talk to and like we're pouring into each other consistently. I think that's like a big piece about community. And also like, are you the instigator always, or is there reciprocity?

Sure.

I don't believe that our friendships should just serve us. Like, you know, I think there's an aspect of like we— there's a chemistry. There's friendship chemistry. And you have a bond with your friends and you build on that bond and you have that relationship and you build that into like you love each other. And so then because of that, you have that like trust built, but you also feel like— I don't know how to explain it, but like— Because of that chemistry, there's that reciprocity. It's not one person pouring in time and time again and the other person's just like benefiting from it. And yeah, I think we can all— we all know when we're in a one-sided friendship. We all feel it.

Or when you've been there too long.

Yes. Yeah, agreed.

Um, such a great point. I have a question for you. So I feel like as people who like to invest in their self-development, we're constantly growing, constantly outgrowing things. How do you handle, or what's a gauge of, I might have outgrown this friendship, or this is perhaps not what I want to be surrounded by anymore? So say, for example, you used to drink and party a lot, and then now you're not wanting to, and you're in a sober curious How do you navigate those changes in your life and filtering through your community without pushing people away?

I love this question, and I have definitely experienced a decent amount of this in the last decade. Comes down to 2 things for me: is there respect and is there maturity? If I am growing and that person respects my growth, And they don't question it, or if I say, "Hey, I'm not drinking right now," they don't push back. They're just like, "Oh cool, end of discussion." Or if I say, "Hey, I'm launching this business," and they're like, "Wow, like that's so cool. Tell me more about it." There's that like respect level, you know, again reciprocity, and then there's maturity. Is there jealousy? Is there comparison happening? You know, are they in front of their other friends tearing me down? In front of me to embarrass me, which has happened to me before. Then I I just check that box and I say, "Hey, the maturity is not there. The respect isn't there. I've outgrown the friendship, and I will I will respond accordingly." And that's my favorite. That's my favorite way to approach shifts in relationships. People will show you how they really feel about you through. Their actions. And then I really believe that it's up to us to adjust our behavior according to that. Like, yeah, I'm not gonna then go back to that friendship and fight for it, actually. Like, because of certain situations, if there's repeated— again, consistency— if there's repeated acts of immaturity or repeated situations of disrespect, I— it doesn't feel worth my energy to explain, to defend. I will just say like, you know, it's not a full cut. I know it probably sounds harsh. It's not a full cut like I'll never speak to you again. It's just like, cool, I'm going to adjust. So I'll see you when I see you. We'll talk when we talk. Peace and blessings. No ill will. Love you to the ends of the earth, but I'm no longer going to be investing in this friendship.

That's really good. I don't know, I have a hard time with cutting up. My good girl syndrome kicks in for sure where I'm like, I need to communicate and I need to tell them. But I totally see your point where if there's been the maturity and the consistency factor over and over, will they even take that conversation well?

No.

If anything, it's more waiting until they reach out and then you're able to Have a solid conversation and be like, hey, this is actually how I felt. It didn't seem like we were on the same page. But I think that's huge to, to learn, to discover, because I think most of our listeners are people who are interested in self-development. And as we're chatting about community and specifically friendships, you're gonna outgrow some of your community, you're gonna outgrow some of your friendships, and maybe they just fit in different boxes. Maybe they're just your fun friends. Or your childhood friends, but learning to differentiate that and not putting so much pressure on one person because they're your forever best friend and your childhood best friend and they're not checking all those boxes is huge. So love this section on the friendships.

Yeah. One thing I want to mention on that is unspoken expectations lead to resentment. And so if you have these expectations of your friendships, communicate through that. Like, hey, like, how do you like to communicate? Do you want me to text you? Like, are you a phone person? Do you want me to FaceTime you? Like, I ask some of my girlfriends these questions because I want to know, like, what's your preferred communication style? Like, when you're going through a hard time, like, how do you want me to support you? And so we're setting those friendship— again, that, like, friendship chemistry. We're also setting some of those expectations so that that unspoken, well, you didn't do this, or you didn't support me this way. Well, I didn't know. And so, like, yes, I do want— I do feel like there's communication that needs to be had. But then on, like, the opposite side, when you're outgrowing someone, sometimes things just fade and they just fade. You don't necessarily have to address it with a conversation. That's just my opinion.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because sometimes the energy and the drama around a conversation isn't worth it.

Oh my gosh, I love that you brought this up because I actually experienced that this weekend. And the expectations is huge. Like, being able to ask people, how is it that you want me to support you, is important. And if you're on the flip side, not being like, well, you don't actually love me or support me because you didn't show up in X, And unfortunately, I think people who have been through a lot of trauma or been through a lot of things, you know how to show up for other people when they're experiencing hard, very traumatic things. But if you haven't been through big T traumas, you're trying your best, but you might not know what to do. I feel like that's such an important disclaimer of let's just communicate our expectations. Hey, next time, I'm going to need you to do this. time— I'm speaking to myself here— next time I just want you to ask me how you can support me instead of guessing all these things of how you can support me. That actually makes me more anxious. Um, so I just— I'm, I'm exposing myself and acknowledging and saying yes. Like, a lot of times it's just we come from different experiences, and that's important in a community too. It's just communication.

Yeah. And I think a question that you could ask like a new friend or even an existing good friend is like, can you name a time in a friendship that really hurt your feelings? Why did it hurt your feelings? What about the situation hurt so much? So that we can make sure that we avoid that together. And like, you will learn so much about your friends if you talk through some of their past friendship trauma.

Yeah.

And like some of the hardships that they've navigated with other friendships, not in a way where you're like naming names and going into gossip, where it's like, Hey, I one time had a friend not stick up for me and, you know, people were badmouthing me and they were in the conversation and they didn't speak up for me and that I found out about it and that really hurt my feelings. Yeah, of course that's going to hurt your feelings.

Yeah.

But like being able to talk through that with your friends can really go a long way because you're able to communicate how you can show up for each other through sharing some of your past. But love this section on friendships. Another big piece of community is mentorship, and there is like aspects of mentors that become your friends, of course. But a lot of times mentors are older than us or more experienced in a certain area, and so that we kind of seek their mentorship, their guidance. So when it comes to mentorship for you. Like, do you remember your first mentor and what about them drew you to them as a mentor?

Oh my gosh, I love this question because I still adore her to this day and she has evolved as my mentor in so many ways. But, um, my friend Erica, she, uh, was my first mentor. I was probably, I want to say, 12. or 12 or 13. And this was within like the church circle. But she took me and 2 other girls like under her wing. And she just mentored the heck out of us. She was like 3 years older than us. We thought she was like the coolest person ever. And her level of intentionality and communication and this diverse way of like, let's just have fun. And also, I'm here for you. And I'm here to help grow your character. She was the kind of person who, if I was venting to her about somebody else and then it turned into gossip, she's like, oh, okay. I would love for you to go and tell her that this coming week, and I'm going to follow up on that. So you couldn't just gossip to her. She'd call you out on your junk. And that's honestly, she cut a lot of that stuff out for me as a teenager where then it kind of became more second nature of This is the standard of female friendships. And I'm so, so grateful for that. And she also grew up with a mom that's a therapist and later on in life became my therapist as well. So she just had a lot of great communication skills and things to teach. And so that was my first mentor. I had a few other mentors during the church time as well that I really, really admire and respected. And took me under their wing and just really, I would say the biggest thing is as a teenager, they saw me and they called out gifts in me that I didn't see in myself. And that really helped me almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy of I might not think I'm talented or good enough, but they do. And so I'm going to act like it. And that really helped my career. It really helped who I am, my confidence as a person, and stepping into leadership roles as a high school student. But it's crazy how much that impacts us in our formative years. What is your experience with a mentor, like your first experience?

Well, first off, it's so cool to hear that— what was her name again?

Erica? Erica. Yeah.

Erica. It's so interesting to hear you talk about her because the qualities that you talked about in her are qualities I see in you. So it's really cool to, to like see how she influenced you in such a positive, healthy way as like, this is what, you know, womanhood is and like female friendship. And yeah, like you were explaining it, I was like, yeah, this is Astrid.

So that's so cool. That is so sweet.

I do believe our mentors can have a profound impact on us. So my first mentor was a man named Craig Lindvall. We called him Mr. L. He— I've talked about him off and on on the podcast in different episodes. I know I have. But he was my teacher my senior year of high school. And this is— I've had different mentors, but I— when I think of mentor, I think of Mr. L. A teacher of mine for a class that was focused on entrepreneurship. It was called CEO, which stood for Creating Entrepreneurial Opportunities. And in the ways that he impacted me, he taught me that— I feel like he was the first adult to accept my big dreams and my big goals and say, these are valid and they will happen. Like his belief in me and his ability to listen and ask questions and dig in. It's interesting to see how I am that way now because he was so curious and he always like had a way of drawing out like what's below the surface. And I feel like he, he really influenced the way that I approach relationships. Yes, I want to have fun and I'm always going to look for ways to connect deeper. And from a business perspective, he just showed me that truly anything is possible if it aligns with my passion and my skillset. And I know we actually talked about this a little bit in the purpose episode we did a couple of weeks ago. But he was a person that was like, if you can align your purpose with, you know, your passion and then be able to profit from that. Like, that is possible instead of like, oh, I want to do this, but I probably couldn't turn into anything that would like be a career. So he was the first person that like really showed me that that was possible and believed in me and inspired my first book. And yeah, I miss him very much. He passed away in 2020 after a very long battle with pancreatic cancer. And yeah, he's greatly missed. Like, there's times where I wish I could call him up and be like, I have this problem. And he was just so good at seeing through the noise. And it's something that I often try to put my Mr. L hat on and be like, okay, what would he do and how would he approach this? And so yeah, I just, I really admire him and definitely a huge mentor and continues to be one long after his passing.

That's so beautiful. It's insane how much our mentors can impact the rest of our lives. And it's almost the best gift that we can have. Like, here you and I are years after having these conversations with these people, and we still talk about them. There's still, like, lots of beautiful residue or blooms, however you want to use that, of their work and their words. And I feel like that's the most beautiful thing we can do as humans. And even as I'm having this conversation with you, I'm wanting to challenge myself and, okay, how can I mentor someone that's way younger than me past an hour a month or anything like that that I do right now in some programs? But That impacted me so deeply that I really should look back and see how I can do that for others. And so I feel like that's the beautiful part about mentorships. It's that person that we admire, but also that person can call out and see those things in us and make us say, okay, I believe that this can actually happen. And the fact that he spoke that into you and he's like, why don't you write a book? And you wrote the book and you're still writing and your career is like a lot of creative writing and a lot of writing things for like sales funnels and everything. Like it's influence in everything that you do, your copy on Instagram, like to relate to women and be able to say, hey, me too. Like you're writing all the time and having that impact. And perhaps that voice would be a bit dimmer if he hadn't been like, Hey Alexis, your voice matters. And that's the beautiful, beautiful side of mentorships that, um, honestly, I wish we could go around and ask everyone, like, what's a mentor that you've had in your life and how did they impact you? Because the stories we would hear would be beautiful.

Yeah, I agree. He, I mean, he influenced my choice to minor in creative nonfiction writing. Like, he was like, yes, this is a skill. Like, this is a passion. Like, lean in. And I was like, cool, I'm gonna get a degree in it. And it's— it's— thank you for calling that out too. I think another aspect of like, one, mentoring others, and then in different seasons of your life, like, you might have people who are married that you really admire their marriage.

Mm-hmm.

And you want them to be marriage mentors to you and your partner. Or maybe not even like marriage, but like, you know, there is a relationship that you really admire and it's healthy. And, you know, you go to them sometimes for advice or, hey, when you were navigating this, like I had that actually in my career, my work wife at ConvertKit, I really admired her and her husband's relationship and the way that they ran their finances and the way that they've worked together. And they have 3 beautiful daughters. And I would constantly go to her for mentorship of like, Okay, when you first got married, how'd you do this? And how'd you guys navigate this? And she gave me such good advice that Matthew and I still instill on a weekly basis from her advice. And so, one, it's like finding people who you trust, that you have your intuition and know that they're out for your wellbeing, right? Like, we want to make sure that we have healthy mentorships. But I think that there's lots of different ways to seek it. And for you, like, what do you look for in a mentor?

Hmm. Such a great question. It, as you were speaking, it kind of took me back actually when I was navigating my divorce. And so sometimes we think of mentors as like just on the positive side or like, I'm, I'm how you impact me in these positive ways. And this mentor or multiple mentors did impact me in positive ways, but in a negative situation. And so I think sometimes when other people are so courageous to share their own story of pain and how they've navigated that, it gives other people hope to say, okay, if they made it through, I can do it too. Here's what they did. Or even just having a listening ear that isn't trying to solve your situation, that understands the deep pain that you're feeling, that understands All the layers and complexities of it can be huge. And so if you find yourself right now in a season that is dark or a season of change, we don't have to only find professional mentors, but it's like, who do you admire? Who do you respect? I also think a big level of confidentiality is huge in this layer of community is Can you really trust that they'll keep this all to themselves? Because sometimes—

Yeah.

You do need to share very complex things and you don't want to hurt other people in your life. Like, there's just a lot of layers that that can impact. And so as far as choosing a mentor, I think it just depends on the area. But I think overall is having that trust, having that admiration, of who they are and what they've created and built in their own life. Maybe down the road it's like, wow, they're such an amazing mother. They have their own life and they also are so intentional with their kids and they travel all over. I admire your life. Hey, can I sit down with you? How do you do it? How do you seem so happy as a mom? Because I want to know. And so I feel like that curiosity in general can also guide you to choosing a mentor. But yeah, I think it depends on the area. But how do you choose mentors?

Honestly, same. Like the confidentiality piece, the leaning on my own intuition around trust and, you know, does this person have my best interest? I think another aspect of, of like what I'm looking for is expectation. Of like, I'm not necessarily looking for like we meet every single week for coffee.

Yeah.

But maybe we have a quarterly call where— and there are people in my life that like are career mentors of mine that we touch base every 3 months and we get on a call and we, you know, we talk to each other and they give me advice on certain situations in my career. And so I think that's a piece where there is actually a time where I— there was a woman I really admired here in Houston. She ran a couple of businesses, and I was just over time, over a couple months, I was like, I'm so impressed by her. She was a she was thirty years older than me, and I was like, I approached her. I was like, I would love for you my mentor, and and I said that, and then she's like, okay, like what are your expectations? And she like kind of jumped right into logistics, which was interesting. which is totally fine. She's a very busy woman too, which I understand why she jumped there. But she was like, you know, would your expectations be like that we are meeting X or Y? And I was like, oh, okay. Like, that's another way that sometimes people that are very busy who do want to mentor you, they think through the lens of their calendar and they think through the lens of like, I do want to support you. And also maybe we meet every other month for coffee for an hour. And like, that's all the time that I can give you. And that's okay. So I think that's like, those are aspects that I seek out. But yeah, I think mentorship, and I'm glad you brought this up, it can— we can seek it out in times where we're looking for advice, whether it's like happy moments or moments where we're at our lowest and we need support.

Yeah.

from someone who's been there in a confidential way. That's also like not a friend because sometimes friends aren't experiencing what we're experiencing, and so their, their advice is going to be very limited to, you know, what they can give, and that's okay.

Yeah, and I think that you pointed out something beautiful, which is what are your expectations? And while we can lay out the expectations of time, it's also what are your expectations from this mentorship? Like, do you want to learn from them? Do you just want to ask them a lot of questions? Do you want them to give you input on what you're going through? Being able to communicate that. And as I'm thinking through this, I also think there's so many people in our lives that sometimes we admire and perhaps would want mentorship from them. But if they don't do it in a professional capacity, for some reason it feels off limits. So I feel like if you think of someone in your life that you admire their marriage, The way that they're a mother, a father, the way they lead their time, their wellness habits, literally whatever it is, you can approach them with that. And I think they would be excited if you say first, hey, I really admire how you live such a healthy lifestyle. I would love to be mentored by you and learn, like, what does your morning look like? What does your day look like? Where do you grocery shop? What even led you to this journey? Would you be willing to mentor me through that? Because I'm just very curious how you got here and how you've sustained that for a really long time. And so I think that's the beautiful part about community is we each have been through such unique journeys and have learned so much through our journeys that I have something to share, you have something to share, so-and-so has something to share. And if we all share bits and pieces of us with very reasonable mentorship expectations, then how much more beautiful and stronger would that community be? Because now you're not just researching online, but you're having that one-on-one, like, conversation. And then they text you and then you're like, hey, I ran a mile. They're pumped for you. And it's just like this beautiful situation where you're able to cultivate a new friendship that is maybe even outside of your age group as well.

Yeah, I agree. I'm glad you brought this up because I feel like this shifts us into a coaching conversation really well.

What do you think? Absolutely.

Okay, okay. So the last section of this community, like, you know, rounding out like support and how do you fill your community with enriching relationships, Astrid and I wanted to touch on coaching slash like consultancy. So I think this can really fit on the life side or the business side. But you had mentioned like that one-on-one support, and I think that sometimes when we are looking for more hands-on tactical accountability, we have a certain goal we want to hit, we have a certain time frame even that we're trying to hit it in, or there's something inside of us that we're like, I need help discovering this about myself, and I need someone to help me carve out a system, a framework Like a way that this makes sense for me to start implementing this change in my life.

Mm-hmm.

I think coaching is a great, like, it's a great opportunity for us to invest in ourselves as well as take off some of the pressure that we need to figure it out. There are people that have experience, that have certifications, that have the degrees even in certain segments. That you can lean on for support. So like there's nutrition coaches, there's health coaches, there's habit coaches, there's career coaches, all the different things. And I think the big thing between coaching and hiring a consultant is a lot of times consultants are there to be like, let me hear— this is more so in business— let me hear what's going on. I'm going to give you my strategy and consult on the issue, and I might help you implement, but mostly I'm a very, very high-level strategic partner. Where I think coaching comes in is it's more tactical with you, but you as the individual are fully accountable for whatever change you implement. So the coach is there to guide, help you surface What it is that you want, why you want it, what's the goal. Let's like dig in and help you, help you in a way with questions discover, you know, whatever that particular area of your life you want more of. And then they help, they help you put it into a framework. Okay, now let's experiment with that. Let's test it. Let's try this, this, and this. And then there's that accountability there. And I think it's helpful for us to know when we need what. And I, I don't think that we should ever hire anyone unless we are clear on what our goals are with that, you know, investment.

Absolutely. So, so good, especially like the breakdown between like a consultant and a coach. I think that can be so helpful because nowadays, I mean, you could just change the words online of what it is that the title is. And if people don't realize what it is that they're looking for those expectations, it can be overwhelming. And I think that especially if you're an entrepreneur, being able to realize that you cover so many different aspects of a business like finances, strategy, marketing, the service delivery, client experience, so many different aspects of it, workflows, automation. And what are you the best at? Where are your weaknesses in? And that can also be a great, uh, way to narrow down what it is that you need to look for support in. So for example, I am not going to do my own taxes, nor do I want to spend hours reading stuff online on seeing all the financial things. So I hire an accountant and a specific service, and he gives me consulting on the tax approach of my business and how to spend the money and how to save and all that good stuff and I just don't have any interest. And that way I'm able to delegate that. Now I'm an absolute nerd when it comes to strategy, when it comes to scheduling, when it comes to like all the planning habits. And that's something that I'm able to also help people. And like you said, test it out. Okay, this works for my schedule, but it might not work for you. What do you need? Let's test these different things and structures in your business and what makes it actually achievable. in your day-to-day life. And I think this is such a beautiful time that we live in because any area that you're curious about, like you said, even a nutritionist or a personal trainer, or there's so many different coaches. I just hired an attachment coach. So it's on the nervous system and anxious versus avoidant attachment. I have my first session this Friday.

Oh, yay.

And I'm so excited about it. And So that's something that you can dive deeper in therapy, but you can also be like, I'm more on a coaching level now. And so I think realizing that it's not all on our shoulders to figure out. We don't have to deep dive the internet on like these insane searches to figure out our mental health, our body, all these different things. If you do have the resources and the privilege to invest in that, Mm-hmm. That is a great way to save time, save pain, save mistakes, especially if you're on the business side of things, to be able to move forward a lot quicker and get that freedom as well. And it's such a great support system to add.

Yeah, I agree. And I can't wait to hear how that coaching experience goes for you. That, that's amazing. I think there's, there's 2 ways I look at coaching in particular. There's client-led coaching approaches. There's 2 different kinds of coaching approaches: client-led coaching and directive coaching. So someone like a nutritionist or a, like, fitness coach is going to have a layer of education, and they're going to have directive coaching. Do this. Let's, like, modify. Let's figure out your, you know, your routine. Your nutrition habits, your hormone levels, your blood work. Do this. It's a directive. Client-led coaching is where the coach focuses in on what's below the surface. Like especially if like for me and my clients, it's a mix of life and business. And so while there is an element of directive, like hey, for this launch, here's what I suggest. Do XYZ. There's also the client-led side where if they're focusing on their work routines, their habits, their spending, like there's all these different aspects. Taking a client-led approach gives the client room to grow, to evolve, to test, to make mistakes, to figure out what works for them. And I think that's sometimes with coaching where I think we can miss the mark. is like having a coach that just says like, it's not copy paste client to client. It's very specific to what that client needs and the time that it takes them to implement something.

Yeah.

And so one client might, you know, figure out something about themselves, apply it, and 2 weeks later they're living a different life because they've unearthed this thing and they've implemented it and now they've put it into practice. Another client, that might take them 3 months, that might take them a year. And so everyone's pace is different. And so I like to take a client-led approach with certain aspects of my coaching experience because I want it to feel like it's on their terms.

Mm-hmm.

Not do this thing, here you go, did you hit it, did you not hit it? I think that that's not as helpful for sustainable long-term change in a client's life. So I think when you, when you're looking for a coach, if you're looking for a coach, ask them their approach. Like, are you directive? Do you tell me what to do? What's your accountability structure look like? Is this really focused on my journey? You know, is this 8-step program, like, is it applicable to everyone in all their different circumstances? And I think that can help you decide whether or not a coach is for you is like, what's their coaching style?

So true. I think for me, it's mostly focusing on the client-led coaches because to me, at least, anything that's more on the direct, I could probably learn by buying a course online, by looking it up online by myself. I'm very resourceful, but I want someone to dig deep in my situation with my unique factors. And what I am looking for and put it together and be like, oh, okay, how does this sound?

Right?

And I feel like that's such an important thing to know what it is that you're looking for. And also most coaches have like a free consultation that's like 15, 30 minutes. And I think being able to see when you share stuff, are they giving you like a cookie cutter thing or like a program that they— it's all set. And if that's what you're looking for, great. Or are they truly listening and helping to customize that? But I think the key part with coaching in the aspect of community is not trying to figure it out on your own and being able to truly say, okay, I am stuck here. Especially if you feel stuck in the rut in your business, in your life, in your habits, your routines, in where you live. Like overall, a coach can really, really help you. Unearth why you feel that way, unearth where you're really wanting to go, give you some exercises to pour out of your heart of all those things that you want, and then help you get the tools to create the business you want, the life you want, all of those good things that we all deeply desire.

Yeah, I agree. I think the reason that it's important to distinguish whether or not you're going to respond well to like a client-led coaching experience or a directive coaching experience is I hired a coach that I thought was client-led, and then a lot of the coaching sessions ended up being very directive about what worked for her and what worked for her other clients. And so then it wasn't really about what was working for me, and session by session, I just felt more and more disconnected from the experience. And it broke down trust, and it just kind of felt like I'm glad this is working for your other clients. But like, what about me? And how do we test this? And like, let's get into some of the mindset blocks I'm experiencing. Like, applying another strategy isn't going to help me if we don't figure out this foundational piece first. And so I think that can be you know, I've been on the receiving end of that. It's not fun, but it does happen. And I should have you know kind of dug more into her coach approach and tried to understand. The way that she approached coaching. And I probably wouldn't have hired her if I would have known that. And so now I'm just, I'm kind of speaking from experience of, you know, hiring maybe the wrong coach for me at that time. And that wasn't what I needed. And that's okay. But I think it's up to us to try to get more clear on what we're looking for before we invest. But yeah, I love your point on not this theme around we don't have to do life alone. We don't have to build our businesses alone. We don't have to solve problems alone. Like, there are people in our corner and people that we can seek out that will support us and make life more fun. You know? Like—

Absolutely.

I feel like it really does make life feel so much more enjoyable and exciting When you have people to share it with.

Absolutely. Absolutely. One last question for you on the coaching front, because you've had a lot more experience with group coaching, both in your job and also with your business. So for someone that's looking for coaching, how do they decide if maybe a group coaching setting might be good for them if someone's offering that, or if they should make that additional investment to do more of a one-on-one approach?

That's a great question. I love that question. So I think if you are motivated and inspired by other people's stories and other people's progress, and it is an instigator, it is a momentum builder for you, and you feed off of that, I think a group setting works really well, especially if you feel comfortable showing up sharing, being vulnerable, being very open in a group setting, then yeah, I think group coaching is great because you feel comfortable and confident taking up space in a group. Whereas I do feel like sometimes, depending on your personality type, if you aren't as comfortable, you know, sharing— especially a lot of group coaching is virtual— so if you aren't comfortable being on Zoom, camera on, sharing, showing up, using your voice in a group setting, then I think one-on-one coaching would be better suited and more valuable to you because you have that one-on-one, super confidential, you can share and unearth things in a really safe environment where sometimes a group environment doesn't feel as safe. So emotionally safe.

Yeah.

And I think having a good group coach facilitator who can navigate those situations is important. But yeah, I think it actually kind of comes down to personality type and, you know, depending on what the topic of coaching that you're wanting support with. Sometimes that does lend itself more to like, I really need that one-on-one confidential, just you and me, we're going to talk about some really hard things. And I do think you can still accomplish that in a group setting, but there has to be that group chemistry.

Yeah.

And so we're respecting each other, we're mature, and we're like giving each other space to, to use our voice and take up space. So I would say that's my, that's my input on both of those.

I love that. I think that is huge, especially, um, whenever you are looking for some group coaching, like who is facilitating Do they— do you trust their judgment? And also, how big is the group? And is there some kind of thing that everyone's signing on confidentiality as well? So I was a part of a group coaching experience that was more on like mindset and healing, like a lot of more your nervous system and all that complex stuff that I still don't know all the sciencey things behind. But I benefited a lot from it. And the girls there, we were all sharing very deep, intense things. And it was more— it was beautiful. The more vulnerable one person went, the more vulnerable the next person felt to share. And for me, it was the first time I said in a public setting, hi, my name is Astrid. I am divorced. This is what I experienced. And it was so healing for me to do it with people that didn't know me. They were all over the US, and it was a small group of 10 women. And if that is you, there is so many different ways and different group coaching programs out there that can support that. But yeah, this has been such a lovely conversation on community, friendship, mentorship, and coaching. And I feel inspired. I'm like, okay, I'm ready to mentor. I'm ready to hire my next coach. This has been so great. So beautiful.

I agree. I could talk about this all day long. I mean, you and I are both very passionate about healthy community. And I'm glad that we had this conversation. It is something that we do get DMs about, like, you know, going deeper in my friendships, how do I find like that healthy community. And so it's always good to go deeper on it on the pod. And if you resonated with this episode, please leave us a review, share it with a friend. Um, or if there's a specific piece of this episode that really resonated with you, let us know in the DMs. We love when you message us. You can do that at inbetween.pod on Instagram, and you can always connect with me personally at Alexis Teichmiller.

Or you can connect with me at Astra Johanna Photo. Thank you all for listening, and we will catch you next time.