Family Ties: Nurturing Healing, Growth, and Connection with Your Parents

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between. Hello friends, and welcome back to another episode of The In Between Podcast. It is one half of the pod, Alexis, and the other half, Astrid.

And today we are tackling a topic that we have actually never talked about before on the podcast. And I am so excited for this because I just came off of a trip with my mom, and that really just brought up a lot of conversation between us of as we are closer to our 30s or in our 30s, How much have our relationships with our parents changed? And also overall conversation on what does all the complexities of that bring. And a lot of our audience are in their 20s or their 30s for the majority of them. And so this one goes out to all of you, wherever it is that you find yourself in your relationship with your parents. It can be so, so hard to switch from that child spot in your life or the spot in their lives to then also grow into a beautiful relationship, or hopefully just navigate all the complexities that having an adult relationship with your parents can bring. So I am so excited to dive into this topic today. But before we jump into that, what have you been up to?

Ooh, okay. Well, it's spring in Houston, and, uh, we hosted our good friends Jess and John from Nashville here this past weekend. It was so much fun. And, um, I've also been like in the mindset of having a little mini glow up where I'm like, it's almost like pre-period. So I'm like, my mindset the last 2 weeks has been like all over the place. And so I'm like, what can I do to make me feel better and feel good? And so I've just been like focusing on reading, Cleaning, taking lots of long walks, and it's been so helpful. So I've been trying to like, when I feel myself in that mental funk, I'm like slowly but surely being like, we're in control. Um, and so that's what has been going on on this end. What about you?

Oh my gosh, I love that. First of all, I love that we're cycle synced. This is amazing. We are here, we can just cry together and then live our best lives when we're at our peak Part of our cycle.

It's Christmas.

But yeah, on my end, it is. On my end, I have been in a way nesting and resting a lot. I think my nervous system just really wanted me to just be home. And y'all, it wasn't until this week, like last weekend in March, that I finally took out all of my Christmas decor. Like, I had taken down my tree. The tree came down in January. But there was still Christmas decor. Like, the rug outside said Merry. The pillows were red and green. So I feel so much better now with the house fully reset, fully back to its coziness. And that's all I wanted to do this weekend was enjoy the house. And we hosted friends too, made some Venezuelan food. And yeah, I'm feeling so refreshed.

I love that. I love that you said you're resting and nesting. I feel like that's incredible. Also, I have to let you know that we played Sequence this past weekend and—

We did too.

Yep. Did you really? Yeah, I thought of you guys. Matt and I thought of you and Nick as well. We're like, we're playing Sequence. Um, also, um, who won? Well, not me. I'm bummed. Jess And, and Matt won. They were teamed up and John and I lost. It was best out of 3. So we won one, lost one, and then unfortunately we lost the third round, but it was so much fun. Also, I forgot that we have not mentioned on the pod that you and I did a PowerPoint night last week, and it was so much fun. And I feel like we just need to like talk about it for just a second. Do you want to? It was your idea. So you, you tell the people. Tell the pod fam what we did.

Oh my gosh. That was truly one of the highlights of my week. I loved it so freaking much. So we had not seen each other since Christmas time and there was just a lot of things happening in our life. And besides the podcast, we're like, we need a deep dive into catch me up on everything. And so we decided to do a PowerPoint for each other to catch each other up on our lives. And so we didn't even tell each other what categories or anything like that. But we ended up with very similar ones. So Alexis had a few that was like, things I'm really into right now. And it was anything from like skincare to food to just random things. And then things that I'm not into. And then we both had categories of like, update on my relationship, update on work, update on different areas of our lives. And it was just so fun. We laughed so much. We got emotional. We got a deeper dive into everything. 10 out of 10 recommend.

It was so much fun. We even did a bestie advice corner where at the end of the presentations we asked for advice on random things that were happening in our lives. And it was just so much fun. It was— I'm so glad that you had the idea and that we did it. Also, Y'all know Ashton and I are long-winded, okay? And we had the audacity to only block off 1 hour for this, and we were on Zoom with our cute little Canva presentations for 2 and a half hours because that's who we are. And anyways, I loved it, so highly recommend doing that. This is why we have a podcast.

Yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely. We are selling the templates for $2 per download. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, let's make money.

All right, well, we start every episode with our in-betweens. And so if you're new around here, every single episode we always share what we find ourselves in between and different seasons of life. So do you want to go ahead and kick us off?

Yeah. I'll kind of go into a bit of an extension of my life update of just kind of feeling in a weird mental funk. And I think that I'm in between, like, the motivation of January and the excitement of a really fun summer and like travel and just things at work being so exciting this summer. So March has kind of felt like a weird pause month in a way. There's been so many fun things that have happened, but I think mentally too, I'm like, How do I keep my motivation up and keep my, like, self-discipline up? So, that's been something I've been just, like, mentally working through. And, as I mentioned, some things that have really helped me, journaling, and honestly, going back to my bubble system and being like, okay, how's our movement? How's our journaling? Like, are we reading? How are we having fun? What are things that we want and might need to do to help ourselves feel better? And so, I've been, like, really leaning into that.

Yeah.

I've also noticed that I can be hyperproductive, and if I'm not productive with everything or everything hasn't been planned, it just feels like, oh my gosh, I'm not making the best use of my time. And I think that also, for example, if I'll put, I want to clean the whole house this weekend on the list, I won't want to do it because I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't want to do that. But what I've been trying to lean into with this mindset is like, what do I have energy for today? Or what do I have energy for right now? And if I have the energy, then I'll do something, set a timer, do something. And if I don't, I don't. Instead of like trying to push through this, like we have to hit this like checklist or to-do list, this spring cleaning list. So I did not expect a deep clean to be on my Sunday bingo card this past weekend. But I dropped Jess and John off at the airport and I was like, you know what sounds really fun? Putting on my headphones, listening to Leon Bridges, and literally just vibing out and cleaning. And, I did that. And, Matt and I cleaned and he ended up getting out the steamer. We have a steamer tool that you can clean grout and tile with. Bro was going in on our shower. He didn't start having a good time, but 10 minutes in, he kept wanting to be like, babe, Babe, come look at the shower. Like, come watch this. He was so excited. So we ended up like deep cleaning the house yesterday and just felt so good, but to also not force myself to do it, if that makes sense. So I'm trying to like play around with that relationship with productivity a bit more and allowing myself to have a bit more compassion for when I just don't want to do anything. So what about you?

Oh my gosh, girl, that's crazy because that's actually my in-between as well. My weekend was not as productive as yours. But that has been such a source of anxiety for me right now. And I would love for us to chat more on that too. But it's just whenever I've also been gone so much and then I'm home for a couple weeks and then I know I'm going to be gone again, it feels like I just have to squeeze all these things into one timeframe. And honestly, truly, my nervous system just needed me to rest because I went from a really busy season to pretty much rolling straight into the next busy month. And I only had a few weeks down from my schedule. And so yeah, it was a lot of guilt. I'm also, I'm in between noticing how much I will guilt myself through a lot of things. That would be a summary of my in-between, one of them being my productivity. And there's a bunch of other ones as well. But This weekend I was resting and I was about to take a nap and I was literally like, I should be hanging out with my mom right now. I haven't seen her in a few days. And she has never told me anything. She was actually shopping that day. She was in another world. And it was just the anxiety creeping in on me of all the things that I should be doing. And so yeah, I'm working on that relationship of— with productivity. And overall, I've just noticed a trend of, yeah, I guilt myself through a few different things that I am doing or not doing. Like, my finances should be this, but they're not. And my movement should have been this this week, but it wasn't.

Yeah.

And so I had worked on that a lot, and I felt like I got to a really healthy space. And I don't know at what point I kind of got back here. It's not horrible, but I've just caught on to it. So I'm working on reversing that again.

Yeah, girl, I feel that. I feel that. It's crazy that sometimes we really do have the same thing that we're working on.

Yes, yes. But also it makes you feel like a virtual hug, like, okay, we're not alone in this.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Well, I am excited about this topic. It's something that you actually came and you brought it up as like, maybe we should talk about relationships with parents. We've talked about friendships so much. We've talked about relationships, um, at work and like boundaries and all of that. We've also talked about romantic relationships. So it's time for us to talk about relationships with our parents. And, um, as we were prepping, I kind of sectioned this out into kind of 5 areas. This is more so coming from Astrid and I's personal experience. And take what fits for you and throw out the rest. But we hope that by being open and honest about some of the things that we've worked on as individuals and ways that we've tried to continue to have a deep, close relationship with our parents, while also on our own individual healing journeys, We hope this helps you. So before we dive into those, do you want to give a little bit of a background on just your relationship with your parents to where you are now? So that way there's just a little bit of context about that. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely. I am so excited for this conversation. And I think that a little disclaimer too, that this conversation is coming from our own experiences. I feel like in a lot of the things that we're going to say perhaps do not apply to some parent relationship, parent-child relationships that may be toxic, that may really require like a harsh no contact type of scenario. So, um, just, just want to throw that out there. Like, don't feel guilty if like your relationship doesn't look like whatever it is that we have described, and ours are very much still a work in progress as well. So yeah, as far as my relationship with my parents, so my dad passed away when I was 11, and then my mom ended up remarrying shortly after, and they're still together. So I have had the privilege to have had 2 dads in this lifetime. Absolutely love my stepdad. He's such an amazing guy. And that also brought its own challenges as well growing up. And then from my perspective, too, being immigrants, unfortunately, my mom and my parents just did not speak the English language. And so there was a lot of me having to step in and do a lot of the things that most parents do for their kids in the States. And so my upbringing looked a lot different than even my siblings did because I'm the youngest of 4. They got that more traditional role in Venezuela. And so, yeah, some of those habits have carried into my 20s. And at the same time, they've been healing in my 20s as I navigated a divorce, navigated some really hard things in my 20s. My mom was able to be there for me and really take care of me. And a lot of that truly healed in my 20s. So it's been a very interesting relationship where understanding that we're all human and our parents are human and I'm human. And so as she's navigating all her wounds and stuff, I got her. But then as I was navigating mine in adulthood, she was able to heal them and we just kind of help each other through life. So it hasn't been perfect, but it's been really beautiful. And I'm really grateful to have such loving, supportive parents that have just given me really beautiful values that I really treasure. And right now, I just feel very curious about them. Like, now I appreciate who they are, and I'm just in that layer of like, okay, tell me who you've been your whole life type of stage. So that is where I'm at right now. But I would love to hear about your background.

Yeah, that's beautiful. Um, I love the curiosity too. So my relationship with my parents has been Lots of ups and downs, honestly. I think I watched my parents navigate a lot of difficult things in their lives as individuals and the ways that they were raised in the beautiful intricacies and then some of the not so great things. And then just watching them navigate hardship that they walked through together and how that impacted our family. And so I think that While I was so grateful for the way that I was raised and the values that I have, and anytime I spend time with my parents, I'm like, oh, I see exactly where I get this. Like, you know, I see my personality so much in my dad and I see my emotional vulnerable side and my connective side in my mom. And there's every— everything about me is You know intricacies of them and their DNA and things I've learned from them, and so there's so much appreciation there now as an almost 31-year-old. But I think that I navigated a lot of my late teens, early to mid twenties, where I really struggled to find ways to communicate with my parents. I struggled to set boundaries. I struggled to communicate like my feelings to them in a way that would be received. I struggled to listen to them. And I think sometimes they struggled to listen to me. And so for a lot of years, I think that we missed each other. You know, like it's like 2 ships in the night like that are trying so hard to connect. And there's a deep desire for connection and relationship. I think that we just didn't quite see each other for a long time. We There was just stuff from our past that got in the way a lot. And I held onto that for a very long time. And I, it kind of, in a way, I used it as a reason to not be close. And so, so much of what I'm saying comes from that context, like the trying to heal myself and also heal a relationship.

Yeah.

So, I know that there's so many complexities with our relationships with our parents. The narrative of my parent has always been my best friend, we've always gotten along, we've never fought, I don't quite relate to that. But there's also on the other end of the spectrum, you know, I don't ever speak to my parents and we have no relationship. I also don't relate to that. So I'm somewhere in this like middle ground. And so I, I'm hoping that by being vulnerable and sharing that, you know, there's, there's some, there's room for a lot of us, um, regardless of the relationship that you have with your parents. Um, and it's helpful to see some of that reflected, um, in people, cause I don't really feel like it's a topic that's talked about very often. Like, I can't think of a podcast that I've listened to where someone's just talked about their relationship with their parents before. So, um, Yeah, BRB while I already have a vulnerability hangover before we've even gotten started.

We have had lots of vulnerable episodes lately, but truly, I, I, yeah, you're right. Like, I have not heard a podcast that tackles this. And I think there's just so many complexities to this. One of it being, I think our generation is one of the first ones to to really dive even deeper into therapy and communication and what does trauma look like. And then in a sense, we're understanding what does— what our parents' trauma bring into our relationship and having to hold both things that are true of like, they experienced this, so I understand. And also this wasn't okay for me.

Yeah.

And at least that wasn't what my parents experienced. Like, my mom has learned that now when she's in her 50s where she's like, Oh yeah, I see where the trauma's at and how I pass this on and all this stuff. But that is something that our generation is navigating. And so in a way, I also think that that's what has brought such great conversations and even more deep relationship with our parents in our late 20s, early 30s or 40s, whatever you find yourself in because of that awareness as well.

Yeah, I agree. I couldn't agree more. So, the first stop, this milestone on this journey of today's episode, we're going to talk about respect. And, I think that when you're navigating a relationship with your parent or a parent figure in your life, it's important that both parties recognize that contextually, That parent-child dynamic does not go away after you're an adult. And so, so much of what your parent is trying to communicate and share with you comes from this protective, loving, usually like compassionate place. And sometimes as an adult child, you don't see that. You see, you know, you're not listening to me, you're trying to control me, you— Don't believe in me. You don't think that I'm making good decisions. Like, whatever the narrative is. And so, I think whenever we can focus on how can I show this relationship respect, and also how can I ask for respect from my parent as well.

Mm-hmm.

I think that's something that is always— when the parent is still thinking that they are the parent and you're 25. and they're still trying to parent you, they're not respecting your decisions. They're not respecting your choices. And so, I think that's where I think a foundation of love and respect for each other is really important to be honest and to be transparent.

Yeah.

And, I think whenever you don't have that mutual respect for each other, I think that's where the miscommunication can break down. You get triggered, like, you know, you start to feel defensive, you fight or flight mode, right? Like you freeze up. And so I think that if you're navigating this with your parent, maybe look at ways that you can start with, how are we respecting each other in this relationship? And what does that actually look like for us? Because that has not always been something that I've experienced. And so we had to work to find what that looked like for us.

Yeah. Absolutely. I think this is such a huge one because we always talk about respect in our friendships, in our romantic relationships. But when it comes with parent-child relationships— not child, like parent, what would you say? Because we're not children, like adult, but the kid, you know, adult children.

I mean, we are, we are their child.

Adult children.

I just keep thinking of like Yeah.

I also think it's not like you turn 18 and then suddenly there's a switch where, oh, okay, now we behave in this way because you're 18 and you're an adult. I think that in a weird way, it's not until they feel like you are mature and adult enough that is almost in a way earned or it switches. But I also think that that's where it's our responsibility to, in any relationship, to enforce the respect that we want in any relationship, including our parents. But sometimes because of the history there, it's the one that we least enforce because it's like, well, am I going to hurt their feelings? Am I going to see them this weekend? Are they going to overreact? There's just so many complex things. And so if you're listening to this, I hope that this encourages you to view the areas where you can ask for respect and also do it in a loving way because no transition is easy for anyone. And so if there's still things that our parents are doing out of habit too, because that's just what they've always done and it hasn't clicked like, hey, they're an adult now. Well, Okay, bring it up. Now, if this is a repeated behavior where you've consistently asked for respect into something and they continue to not give that respect, then that's a different conversation. But I also think that sometimes we're too harsh as kids. We're like, oh, my mom is just like, why not everywhere I want to be? And I like, she just like every night I go out, you're in college, like, okay, just leave me alone. Like, I'm fine. And so having a little bit of that grace is also part of their respect to, hey, maybe they're seeing things that you don't see, that maybe your safety is in line, or they just want to make sure your plane landed safely, or they just want to make sure you're okay. So I also feel like that's a fine line that is hard to navigate in this relationship. Where is the give and take, but also define respect? And that's Always, always needed both ways. I also think that sometimes we don't give it.

Yeah, that's a great point. I think the parent-child relationship as well, like as children, it's like respect your parents, you have to listen to your parents. And I think that, that you kind of mentioned this as great habit. It's a habit. And then as you as the child become an adult, we are still expected to respect them and to listen to them. But when we have our own viewpoints or we make different choices, that respect doesn't necessarily flow. And so that's where we then get to build a new habit inside the relationship where it's like, hey, I understand that you might not agree with this, that you might have made a different choice, but I really need you to respect me on this. Or, yeah, you raised me to make good decisions, to be X, to value Y. And this is how I am doing that, and I need you to respect that. And so sometimes you can bring it back to like, this is these are values that you instilled in me, and here's how I'm interpreting them, and I'm making choices based on them. And you have to now trust that how you raised me is playing out in the way that it needs to. But there has to be that like respect level there in order for me to. want to call you up and tell you good news, in order for me to want to text you back, in order for me to want to tell you things in my life, if there's not that respect there, I'm now nervous that, as you mentioned, like, are they going to overreact? Are they going to judge me? Are they going to, you know, criticize my choice or my decision? And I think that's where parents can sometimes feel iced out from their kids.

Yeah.

And it's like, okay, why are they reacting that way? And what in the relationship has broken down to, to make them kind of need some space? So I think there's got to be, ideally, and this is in a perfect world, right, some self-awareness on both sides.

Yeah, yeah. I think too is like respect brings safety. Like when you feel safe enough to share something with your parents that maybe they won't agree with, maybe it's different or whatever, but you know that there's been repeated signs of respect where you feel safe enough to tell them stuff, or you're not freaked out, or they're not the last person that you're dreading to tell them, hey, I quit my job, is also really important. And with that goes our next one, which is boundaries. Like, whenever you are able to have mutual respect for each other, and also like any other relationship, be able to bring some boundaries with your parents. And again, our relationship, our lives are changing so much in our 20s and 30s that the boundaries you needed when you were early 20s is likely not what you need in your early 30s. It might look different. But I think being able to come up with, what do I need right now? And what do you need too? I went through a season with my mom where She just felt like we weren't seeing each other often enough, which is fair. Like, okay, you want to see me? And instead of just telling me like, hey, I miss you, let's hang out or whatever, it'd be like, hey, how you been? Wow, I haven't seen you in forever. Like, how's it going? Like, okay, I've— like, it was just this more passive-aggressive tone that would make me feel guilty.

Yeah.

And so whenever I would call to see like how she was doing, then that was what I was met with. And so it consistently drew me back from even calling her because I don't want to feel that negative side of things. So I was able to put a boundary with her of like, hey, I won't be able to hang out with you realistically every day, but I would love to spend time with you. What is a good amount? Let's figure out a good amount of time that works for both of us.

Yeah.

And so one, I set the boundary. I don't want to hear that Again, because that type of talk makes me feel really negative and I don't appreciate that. And 2, okay, how do we solve it moving forward? So I think it's also trying to read between the lines. What are they really trying to get to? Hold them accountable to what it is that they're saying and restore the relationship. Like, okay, how do we move forward in that situation?

Yeah, I've experienced that passive-aggressive energy before as well, and It's like I really need you to communicate exactly what you mean because I can't read your mind and I can't— sometimes I can't read between the lines. Like, I just want you to be honest. And in terms of boundaries too, this has been a really big one around, I think, for a good deal of my late 20s— sorry, my late teens into my mid-20s. I allowed a lot of input from my parents, and I was seeking their validation. I was seeking their opinions. And I think at some point into my mid-20s, that wasn't working for me anymore. And so, like, sometimes boundaries is, hey, this might have worked for our relationship dynamic before, but it's not working now. And so let's like reestablish some guidelines around like, you know, how we support each other and how we talk to each other. And so I think that for a while I was seeking a lot of input. And when I stopped, it felt kind of abrupt to them because I was kind of on my own healing journey. I started going to therapy. I was trying to kind of gain my own confidence. And I realized that because I had put so much weight on what my parents thought and what choices they think I should make in different areas of my life, it was causing me a lot of insecurity and indecision that I'm like, gosh, I feel like I can't make a choice without getting their input first. And so that was on me. And so then I had to kind of set a boundary after that of like, hey, these certain areas of my life I'd actually like for them to be off limits for, you know, the next couple of months as I come to a decision on them. And then once I make a choice, I will let you know. Happy to talk through that with you. But for the time being, I'd actually like to take this chunk of my life off the table.

Mm-hmm.

And that, you know, they weren't used to that side of me and they kind of took that as a loss. Of like, oh my gosh, we're getting less of her. She's already, you know, living away from home. Now we're getting less of her. And so I think that I could have probably done a better job at communicating my feelings. But I think in that moment, it was kind of the first step to setting boundaries. And even still, like, just reminding them of like, hey, you know, this is this is my choice, or this is. This is how I feel. This is what I think. And especially for anyone listening that might not vote the way your parents vote or believe socially the way that your parents do, that can be very complex with your parents because they're like, well, we think this and you think something else. Like, what? I don't, I don't understand. And it can be a point of conflict if you allow it to be. And so there for a while, we also had to take some of those topics off the table until we were able to— back to respect— invite respect in. And now I feel like I really can listen, and I can hear them, and I can understand where they're coming from, and I can ask questions without being triggered. And I couldn't do that before.

Mm-hmm.

And so sometimes a boundary is not just for their behavior. Sometimes a boundary is for your behavior. And I realized that there were certain things that would trigger me that I needed to heal. I needed to work on those things. But in order for me to do that, I actually couldn't talk about them for a little bit until I could, you know, regulate, decompress, understand why is that so triggering to me. And now—

Mm-hmm.

I'm able to talk about things I could have never talked to my parents about for 5, 6 years ago. And I will leave that conversation so freaking proud of myself and them for the ways that we've grown and been able to get to know each other and hear each other. Whereas before, when you're triggered or they're triggered and you're just like, well, why would you say— and it, and it, and like, then it starts to get conflict and you're like, you know, as I mentioned, fight or flight. I'm a fighter, and so I would engage. And like, that's not who I am as much anymore. Like, I still appreciate aspects of myself and that I am that way, but I also realize that for a healing parent-child relationship, my defensiveness and my bend towards conflict was not safe for them to feel like they could come and And be their full self. So that was a big way that I had to set boundaries in my relationship. And it's been a journey, but it really has helped us, I think, be a lot more authentic and honest with each other.

That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that experience. I think that you pointed out something crucial, which is in our 20s too, we're discovering really who we are and what we believe and what we want to be and what we want to pursue. And that can be such a hard way to navigate our relationship with our parents. And I experienced something very, very similar where I realized I seek my parents' approval for everything. And so if my parents said that it was okay, then I thought it was okay. And it was not something that they asked me to do, but I think it's just very natural when we grow up, we admire our parents.

Yeah.

We trust their choices. We trust the life that they have built. And you're like, well, if my parents say it's great, then unless that trust has been broken before, then I trust what they say is great. That's just part of how we grow up attached to them.

Right.

And there is this season of life where we don't know where it starts or where it ends, where we're finding ourselves and needing to remove input from people, especially those authority pieces are so essential to— not that you won't listen to them because they have such great wisdom, but their wisdom comes secondary. You first need to explore, like, okay, what do I think I think about this? Okay, here's some general thoughts. Now let me go and explore. Let me go and get some more thoughts on this from my parents, from this authority figure that I really looked up to, like all these different sources. And, uh, something that was really impactful for me was when I was navigating my separation and My mom saw me walk through so much pain. She was the first person that when I found out everything, I drove over to her house and just collapsed on the ground and just, she held me through that. So she really saw all the ways in which I was hurt consistently. And as a mom, just thinking of me being a mom someday, I don't know that I could do what she did. And I hope that I can someday. But she never told me what to do. She never told me like, girl, aren't you like, are you blind? Like, are you seeing what he's putting you through? Like, you need to step away, or you're in such an unhealthy relationship, you need to step away. She just made sure I was going to therapy, made sure I had food, made sure I had like the essentials, the support, the love, and let me come to that decision, which was huge, on my own. And she didn't tell me until I made the decision. Wow. Afterwards, she's like, that's what I was hoping you would do. Like, I'm so glad. And I was freaking out when I finally made a decision with no one's input. Mind you, this was my first decision without getting everyone's approval. Up to that point, I always asked my parents and my siblings, and that's how I came to my conclusion on decisions. And so I was so nervous to tell my parents and my family and It was so empowering to first make the decision and then feel the approval when I already was going into it with like, I'm okay if they disapprove of this. This is what's best for me. And so, yeah, I just think that is a very complex time. And I'm so grateful that in that crucial time of my life as an adult, my mom was very wise to know not to insert input. And it was also a very heavy adult decision. So I'm grateful that that clicked for her. Now, that didn't happen in other decisions, but it's just part of navigating that change. And I think that's a big portion of inviting grace into our relationship with parents too, is they're learning how to parent too as we're becoming adults.

Yeah.

And each year of our lives we change and then they're like, okay, how do we navigate this? And so, yeah, I feel like being able to bring those boundaries when you're going through tough life seasons, when you're learning who you are and saying, you know what, right now I don't need input on this. Let me come to my own conclusion. And I would love to hear, uh, your side of things later on is so, so healthy for our parent-child relationships.

Yeah, I completely agree. One more thing I'll, I'll mention on boundaries. I think that when it comes to going to your parents, and I think the way that your mom handled that is just, I mean, incredible. Like, the utmost respect to her and to you for the way that you both navigated such a hard decision and season. I think that it's helpful to have boundaries when you're married with your parents. And so, it's like—

Yeah.

going on in your marriage and what's going on in your personal intimate relationships, being really mindful of how much you let your parents into that because you might move on from an argument and you might be fine and they're still thinking about what so-and-so did.

Mm-hmm.

And, I think that we have to be really mindful of the way that our parents are thinking about us, that they want us to be protected, safe, happy. Healthy, you know, if they're a good, you know, healthy parent, that's what they want. They want us to feel all those things. And I think when we go to our parents for emotional support when it comes to the intimacies of our marriage, I just, I just don't think that it's super healthy. And that's something that my, my mom has taught me. Like, she's like, hey, I'm always here for you and Matthew, but I You always have to go to him first. Like, I can't ever be in the middle of whatever's going on with you two. I support you and I'm here for you, but he has to be the one that you go to and you work things out with. And, I respected the hell out of that. And, I think that's something that she passed down to me even from the way that her and her mom and their relationship with each other impacted that lesson to me. That's a big one. Um, that was, that was great. Respect and boundaries, big. Uh, should we— what, are you ready to move? What else do you need? You want to move on to the next one?

Absolutely.

Okay. Uh, so the next one is taking physical space or distance away from your parents in a time where maybe you feel like you need that. So What I mean by this is, I know Astrid earlier mentioned, like, sometimes you might need to go no contact with a parent depending on, you know, whatever the situation is and your safety and respect there. But sometimes I notice when I look back at some of the moments in my relationship with my parents where I felt it grow is actually when we were not physically in the same place anymore. So when I, let's say, from college, moved to Nashville, I felt our relationship get stronger in a way. Our communication had to get stronger because we were no longer, you know, down the street or in the same house together. Like that really solidified how we were going, like our new normal, if you will. But I also think that because I was someone that sought that validation and input from my parents so much, I needed to move in order to find my voice. And so I think just normalizing that, like sometimes you, if you're a long-distance daughter like me, sometimes moving is healthy for you. And sometimes being in your hometown isn't what's best for you. And that's okay. It doesn't mean that you cut all ties and you run away. Like, it's not running away. It's just choosing a different path that feels more aligned with where you want to go. And so, while that was sometimes easy, sometimes hard for my parents and I to navigate, I even felt like when I moved back to Illinois for a couple years while Matthew was in South America for work, and then we moved back to Houston, we've been here in Houston now for almost 2 years, our relationship went through another growth spurt because we were together for 2 years in Illinois and then now we're learning this new normal and how to communicate with each other. I also think like gaining perspective, gaining some space so that you can see things, so that you can heal from things can be really helpful. And so if you're in a place where things with your parent feel really overwhelming, they feel really emotional, they feel very heightened, maybe you, you know, you can't even talk to your parent without feeling triggered, maybe you need to take a beat.

Yeah.

Maybe you need to ask for some space. Whether that's a week, whether that's a month, like whatever that feels like for you. But I just want to normalize that and that in the seasons where I did move, I did need that space in order to have a new appreciation and empathy for my parents and for our relationship.

Mm-hmm.

And it took me removing myself from the day-to-day with them to feel that and to see that even more. Um, so that's just my experience with that, and that's been something that's been really helpful.

I love that tip. I think this one specifically is one that can challenge what we can believe is normal or should be, and I think that's something that should be taken out of our vocabulary with our relationships with anyone, really. Like, there is no rule book on what is look successful for a successful relationship as far as space and distance and boundaries. There are so many intricacies as far as situations, emotions, healing. There's a lot of things that are going to require different frequency that you see each other, that you don't see each other, that you need to be very in tune with.

Yes.

And I think having and knowing, if you have that respect from your parents and you feel safe enough to communicate to them Hey, actually, I need to take some space from you for a month or for whatever time it is. Is it easy? No. But that is a way of protecting your relationship with them if that is what you need to think things through. And I do that in my own relationship. Like when we've navigated some hard things, it's like, hey, I need to take a beat this weekend. Like I need to think through stuff. Can we, can we come back together on Sunday and just chat through everything?

Yeah.

And that is so, so important so that you can navigate your feelings so that you can know what do you need to ask? What do you need to navigate and communicate to them? But ultimately give yourself the freedom to make that relationship not fit the norm. And what is it that you both need during that time?

Yeah, agreed. Agreed. Next, before we move on, is, is it okay to move on? Is there anything else you wanted to add?

That was all.

Okay. Um, the, the next one is around growth and healing. And so I think something that I really struggled with, with my relationship with my parents, is I felt that they kept me at 19 and 20, um, when I was like 24, 25. And so this is my interpretation again. And so I think, and I also kept them at like, you know, who they were when I was 15, 16, 17. And so we, while we had both aged and grown and have so much life had happened contextually, when we were together, I had them as my parents in high school. And honestly, them probably same, in my mid to late teens. And so here I am in my 20s and they're in their— gosh, what would they be in my 20s? They're like in their mid-50s. And I've got them 7 years, 8 years back. And so I think that a big thing I had to work on in my own healing is I needed to give them room to evolve as human beings. They aren't the same as they were 8 years ago. And I am not the same woman. Honestly, I was a kid at the time. I'm a different person. And so, so much I think of our relationship that's been really beautiful is kind of getting to know each other a little bit, not again because we've always known each other, but I think that getting to know each other again in a way of like, yeah, we've all changed. We've all grown. And I'm going to give you my full acceptance of who you are now and vice versa. And because of the healing and because of the growth as just who we are as individuals, that really, like, I would say that was a huge light bulb moment for me. Was like, it's not fair that I have not allowed them to evolve in my mind. I am keeping them in a place that's not— Even not that it's not real, but well, it's not in real time anymore. And so I think I needed to move on from that in order to heal. And so I think now it's like fully loving and accepting who my dad is today, you know, in 2024, and same for my mom. And that's been really fun, and it feels more lighthearted, and it feels more like every time I talk to them, I get to learn something new about. Them and their lives and what they're learning about themselves. So that was a big one for me that I needed to release. And for any of you that, like, when you are with your parents, you get transported back to a moment, to a season, to a chapter of your life, can you allow yourself to see them for who they are today and how much they've grown? And how much you've grown. And I think there can be a lot of forgiveness and empathy and love there if we, if we choose to look at it that way.

Absolutely. I absolutely love this point because I feel like this is the season that I'm in where I have brought a lot of curiosity into my relationship with my parents. And as I approach 30, I want to know even more about my mom's childhood and her teenage years and how was newlywed life with my dad and what led them to move. And there's certain things that, you know, high level, but that when you ask these things as an adult, you almost get more context because you're now an adult that can handle adult context conversations with that, really. And even with this trip that I just took with my mom, I learned so much about her. And honestly, I think the more that we get curious about our parents and their lives, the easier it becomes to be compassionate and notice where some of their own triggers are popping up. They're not perfect.

Yeah.

They've been through very painful things. They've been through really hard things that somehow at least I used to look at it as like, well, you should know better. You're the parent. And yes, they should. But I looked at it as they should be like, context is they've been perfect without thinking like context. What if they were experiencing depression? What if they were experiencing postpartum? Like, what if they were experiencing like they just had a whole traumatic— they just lost all their life savings? Like, there's so many things to this that we're all experiencing. And so now hearing a lot of those things that both of my parents went through, It's been healing to some of my hardest memories to then see, okay, I see how this fits. I see how they dissociated because it was so painful. I see how they clocked out because, yeah, it was just too much to handle. And I get that. I do that now too. I see myself in them. And so it's this very healing thing where now I can ask and be like, how have you dealt with this thing? that now I also deal with this and how they've grown. Or they'll notice things in me and be like, hey, I had to work through that. The judgment, the expectations, I worked through that and it was hard. You got to let it go. And it's almost this mentorship relationship where we can appreciate each other and our own flaws, and it can be very healing. And something else that I'll say on this is adding to the theme of putting our parents in a box or where we think that they might be at, which I think is so normal and we all do this. One thing that happened to me was I'm the youngest of 4, so I kept hearing a lot of my siblings' experiences or thought process of my mom is blank, my dad is blank. And I took those as truth. But also, my mom was mom at 21 years old, and by the time she had me, she was 35. She was a lot more mature by the time that I was 8 years old, 10 years old. So what my siblings experienced is very valid, and they got a less mature version of my mom. And that's— is it fair to them? No. It's just part of life. It just happens to be that I'm the 4th one. They're learning with them, and I've reaped the benefits of things too. I have seen them navigate setting boundaries with my parents about their marriage, about their kids, about all these very hard things that by the time that it comes to me where I've had to set certain boundaries, my parents are like, oh yeah, okay, cool, thanks for letting us know. And I thought they were going to have the same reaction that they had with my parents. So I avoided it. I boxed them into their reality, but it wasn't my reality. And so I think that's also something to consider is like if you're a sibling and you have age gaps or Just in general, your siblings with different personalities, you have a different experience than your sibling. Build your own relationship, get curious of your own relationship because it is so different.

I'm so glad that you brought this up because I think that I watched my brother have— it's just my brother and I. I feel like I watched him have a different relationship with my parents. And I would say one that might even might even be a little bit easier than the one that I had and like have had with my parents. And I always like I always judged myself for why is it easier for him? Why why what's wrong with me essentially? Like and I think that that is such a harmful narrative to have in any family dynamic. And, it's one that I actually had to take ownership of because no one ever said that to me. And, I think that a lot of times our relationships with our siblings or our parents, we assume things and we don't ask for clarity. And, I think that's a big thing is when they say things, what do you mean by that? Can you explain that? Or, if it's never been said, can you say, hey, Dad, You know, something I've always thought is this. Is that true? Is that how you feel? Is that how you see me? And let them confirm or deny. But like, I think so much of some of my own pain was my own narrative and my own thoughts, that some of which were never said, were never, you know, spoken by anyone. It was just how I felt and how I interpreted the situation.

Yeah.

And so yeah, I think that's another big piece around just acceptance and ownership and healing is like, can you own your narrative of the role, quote unquote, that you play in your family dynamic? And is it true? Is it factual? And if it is, okay, then you can unpack that with your therapist. But it's like just, I think that's a big piece of like we latch onto a lot of unspoken stuff.

Yeah.

And we can. And it's like, where can you look for opportunities to talk to your parents and ask for clarity and, you know, be vulnerable in a way of like, hey, when I was younger, I felt this way. Is that how you felt? Is that true? And there can be so much healing in those conversations. I even had one this weekend about something completely else. I was telling someone something that had hurt me in my past and they said, I understand how you're interpreting it that way, but what if they actually meant it like this? And I was like, whoa, I have never allowed myself to think about it from that point of view. So it's like there's so much that we can learn about ourselves if we open up a little bit and we ask for clarity and we get some of that different perspective on something that we've been holding onto for a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I love that. That's such a beautiful thing to bring up, even though it can be so hard in that moment. And I think something that's huge about that is we tend to think, well, that was just a kid. That's back then. We're building our relationship now. I'm just going to look forward. I don't need to talk to them about that. And really, if you were to be honest with yourself, How many times do we still think about some of those narratives that we have in our minds? And we are like, well, is it true? Is it not? And we may look for confirmation bias if we see it around us and the holidays and all those things. And I've been there too. And so being able to have that conversation, I can't thank you enough for sharing that and being vulnerable of your own experience, is so healing. Let's go back there for a sec. Let's bring this to the table. Is this true? Okay, thank you. Let's move forward and let's release that and let it go. And I think that as someone also that has lost parents, if you still have your parents around and you're able to have that freeing conversation with them, that they can free you from this responsibility or this weight that you've put on your shoulders, like, is this true or not? ask them right now, because that is something that maybe you end up carrying over with, like, your kids if you don't release it and let it go. And so do it for you and do it for your future generations, if anything at all. But I think that's such a beautiful tip to carry on our relationships. And so as we wrap up, our last point is one of my absolute favorites in this discussion, which is friendship with our parents. This is one that I feel like I'm starting to explore in a whole new way. I think that I personally have boxed my parents into the parent role more often than I have allowed the friendship side of things. And now in my late 20s, I have been exploring that more with them. Like, oh, wow, we have all these similar interests. Like, I like to paint. You like to paint. Why don't we paint together? Or it's been other aspects where people will tell me like, oh, I love hanging out with your mom. She's so great, blah, blah, blah. We did these things. And I'm like, I got jealous. I'm like, I want to hang out with her. And so it's been like a new rediscovery of having that with her and asking her instead of just the heavy questions that we talked about earlier in the growth and healing phase. This is more just getting curious about what are you into? What do you like? Just like you would do with your friends. What are you doing for fun? And what food do you like? And if you— asking the fun questions of what are Top 3 countries you want to visit in your lifetime? Tell me more about you. And I think this is something that we all growing up perhaps didn't have the friendship side of parents because they were so responsible. And also now we get to unlock that. And so let's explore it. Let's have fun with it if you're able to have that with them and soak it all in.

So I am very new to this Yeah, I love, again, like just the season that you're in with your mom around asking her so many questions and getting to know her and like that curiosity piece coming in. I think that's really beautiful. And I think that's a really neutral place to meet your parents, like just curiosity of like, I just want to know more. And it's not good, bad, it's just like that curiosity piece. regular curiosity that can open up so many different conversations with your parents that you might never have had before. But yeah, I think the friendship piece is big. One thing that I will say, and this is the season of life I am in with my parents as well, as we continue to grow and heal in our own ways, is that lightheartedness.

Mm-hmm.

Because a lot of our past together has felt kind of heavy, to be honest with you. And has felt kind of hard in different chapters. We're really just in this season of like building a friendship and that consistency and talking to each other and learning about what's happening in their life and celebrating them, being there for them, and vice versa. And just as you would a friend. And I think that's been something that has been healing because I never really saw them in that way before until the last couple of years. And I didn't know that that maybe would be possible for us. Could we ever get to this stage where there's this comfortability, there's this sense of calm, there's this sense of peace when we're together? You know, they visited in early March and I told Matthew, I was like, that might be one of the best visits we've had yet.

Wow.

And I just, you know, that feeling of like just really enjoying each other's company. And my dad loves to shop and so does my mom. They're trying on clothes and I'm there and I'm telling them, try this on. And we're hyping each other up in the dressing room, mom and I, in Anthropologie. And just having that girlfriend energy, shop for bras together, just leaning into that, leaning into the lightheartedness. I think that's really helpful and it can be something that allows you to have new experiences together and make new memories.

Yeah.

And I think that's a big thing with your parents is how are the memories and the moments that you're making together actually not just rooted around the holidays? Because there's so much tradition there and there's so much kind of like, okay, this is what we've always done. There's lots of different expectations or travel. And so it's like, that's great, but how can I actually spend time with you outside of the holidays? Because I think that's when you get so much more margin and freedom to to spend time however you want together. And so that's something I'm always looking to do with my parents is like, when are we— my mom too, she's like, when am I going to see you next? And that's really helpful for her. And so I'm like, okay, when are we— okay, let's see. Okay, I'm going to see you here. We got this planned. And it gives her something exciting to look forward to and me too, knowing that our next visit, because we don't live in the same state, is planned. And so Yeah, this has been a really healing episode for me to talk through. And how has it felt for you?

It's felt great. It's also, I guess I've talked about things that I didn't realize that I would share or bring to light as well. And so it's very reflective is what I will say. And it's also I don't know. I'm very glad we talked about this because we both have shared the complexities and the beauty of this relationship. And isn't that what some of the most beautiful relationships can bring? They bring so much depth. They bring so much complexity. They bring overcoming certain things together. And that's the thick blood of family that unites us all. And then I love that we just wrapped up on friendship because it's like, Yeah, now we can get— there's so much trust built. Look at everything we've overcome. Let's enjoy this hard work that we've put into this relationship. So yeah, I'm feeling very reflective and I'm just going to swing by my mom's house tonight, give her a big hug. I know.

I'm going to call both my parents after this. Yeah, so major reminder, call your parents, call your parent figure. And see how you can take that next step in your relationship together, regardless of what stage you're in, whether you're trying to build respect right now, you're trying to set boundaries. Maybe you're in a stage right now where you're needing some physical space, or you're in your growth and healing, or you're like at that friendship stage. I just want to let you know that we see you. We've been through different aspects of that in our own experiences. And yeah, thank you for giving us this space. We hope this was helpful to you in some way. And Yeah, just really grateful for this community. If this episode resonated with you, Astrid and I's story or a piece of advice we gave, we'd love for you to reach out on Instagram and let us know maybe what stage you're in with your parents and what you're learning about yourself through that. You can do that @inbetween.pod. And if you ever want to leave us a review, we won't say no. We would love that. On Spotify, iTunes, or wherever you listen to the podcast. You can also connect with me @AlexisTeichmiller.

And you can connect with me @AstraJohannaPhoto. We love you all so, so much, and we will chat with you next time.