Holiday Season: How to Prioritize your Mental Health and Set Boundaries

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between.

All right, friends, welcome back to Welcome to another episode of The In Between Podcast. I am one of your hosts, Astrid.

And I'm the other host, Alexis.

And this week is a little extra special because we— at this point you've already heard it— we've announced that we're hosting our first live event.

I know, I can't believe it's finally here. This has been something that we kind of knew we might want to do at some point in the podcast, but It's been amazing to have created an online community with all of our podcast listeners, but I'm going to be home for the holidays in Effingham, Illinois. And we were like, well, let's, let's like actually host a celebration event. So tell, tell everyone who maybe hasn't caught it on social yet, uh, what it's about.

Yeah. So, um, like Alexa said, we have just absolutely loved getting all of your messages and the feedback that we get and being able to physically connect with you and being able to just chat with you in person has something that has been on our hearts since the podcast started. And so we were actually at the airport when this kind of came together. She's like, I'm gonna be home for the holidays. What if we did an event? And just it coming into December, we decided to host the event and call it In Between Years. So as you know, and if you've been listening for a few months, we very much prioritize being intentional and our mental health and just reflecting on our lives as well as being intentional about our future. And so that's exactly what this event will be. So it's a reflection of us and we're going to be chatting about this past year and really inviting you in that journey of just pretty much reflecting on what were the highs, the lows, the things you wish you could have done or Things that you did do that you loved. And then same thing for 2023. So we're going to be casting into that. And then, yeah, and then just getting to hang out, chat, bring you all together and hopefully meet some new faces.

Yeah, we're so excited. So it's going to be on Tuesday, December 20th, from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. for all of our 9-to-5 girlies who want to join us after work. You will be able to make it. We are really excited. The first 30 minutes will just be like socializing. We'll have a couple of cool like installations where you can be reflective and cast out some dreams for 2023. And then we'll kick off the event right at 6:30, where we'll spend the first 20 to 30 minutes talking about reflection over the last year. And then we'll spend the next 20 to 30 minutes talking about vision casting and goal setting for the year ahead. And then we'll wrap up just answering any of your questions and just getting to spend quality time with you all. So we're really, really excited about this opportunity to bring a live event to Effingham for The In Between Podcast. We're hosting it at The Exchange downtown Effingham. And if you want to buy tickets, we're really excited. Space is limited because we want it to be a really intimate, close-knit vibe. So there are limited, limited capacity. But if you want to buy a ticket for you or your best You guys can come together. You can do that at inbetweenpodcast.eventbrite.com. And Eventbrite is E-V-E-N-T-B-R-I-T-E. So bright is spelled a little bit different. We'll also have that linked up in the show notes for you as well to easily access that. And it'll also be in the link in our bio on Instagram. If you ever need to know where the link is, you can always just DM us as well. But we're really excited to host this and team up with a couple of local business is to create something really fun for y'all. It's like a celebration.

Yes. Oh my gosh, this is happening. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to hang out with everyone. And also, I know that we primarily have a women audience, but we also have guys in our audience that listen to the pod. So please don't feel like this is a women-only exclusive event. And if you want to bring your partners or your boyfriends or girlfriends, like, please do. Um, everyone is absolutely welcomed. We just want to connect with you all, with our audience and our friends. Really, it just feels like you guys are our friends. So we're— we are so, so excited. Um, if you have any questions about the event, you can always message us. And, um, yeah, should we get started on today's topic?

Let's do it. I'm excited. Um, okay, do you want to go first? Do you want to share what you're in between, or shall I?

How about you go first?

Okay. I knew you were going to say that. Okay. So I would say, and if you're listening for the first time, we always start the beginning of each episode sharing what we are both individually in between right now. I think at any moment in time, we're always in between different seasons of growth. And every episode we just call out one area of our life that we feel like we're kind of in the messy middle of. So, for me right now, I would say it's like I've been on my health journey for about a year and a half now, almost a year and a half, almost 18 months. And, I'm at the point now where I'm trying to figure out what's next. A lot of this has just been sustaining the lifestyle like moving my body 5 to 6 times a week, my husband and I meal prep. We love it. It's very much an organic— it has become an organic part of our lives. And now, I'm like, maybe I want to do cycle syncing where you sync your cycle and your movements that's better for your body. And so, before your period, you might be— before your cycle, you might be in ovulating. So, you might be wanting to lift heavy weights. But then, during the week of your period, you might be wanting to do more yoga or light walking. And so I've been trying to decide how I want to formulate some of my movement exercise fitness plan moving forward. Tonight I am for the first time going to a hip-hop dance cardio studio that I have literally been— it's been on my list since I moved.

Yes.

And it's literally been something I've been wanting to do for forever. And I think it's because this is what I'm in between. So stuck on our routine because we're like, our routine is working for us. It makes us feel good. We got results, whatever, consistency, comfort, whatever the reason is. And, it's just getting myself to go to the studio has taken— my gym right now is closed for the week because they're moving locations. They're moving to a different location in our neighborhood. So, they're literally closed. And, I told Matthew, I was like, what am I going to do? He's like, I don't know. We're gonna have, and it's like raining and cold out. So I'm like, I must find something to do. I want to like get out my good energy for the day. So I finally made an appointment and I'm going to a cardio, like I think it's called like a, I don't even know what the name of tonight's class is, but I'm really excited and we'll see where it goes. So I'm like trying to introduce more fun, different ways to move my body instead of just lifting weights and yoga and walking. I just feel like I want to do something a little bit more fun.

Yes. Oh my gosh, I am so excited for you.

Thanks.

I think you've talked about a hip-hop class since we became friends. Literally.

I'm very excited. There are actual hip-hop studios as well that teach beginner, intermediate, and advanced hip-hop. And they're There's like crews and you can audition to be in certain crews. And then there are competitions and it's like a whole thing. And I'm like, I grew up watching Stomp the Yard.

So You Think You Can Dance.

So You Think You Can Dance. Like just so many different hip-hop movies growing up. And I just was like really influenced by that. And now I'm like, all right, I want to get back into it. So we'll see.

I love it. I cannot wait. You need to report back to us. I will.

I'll let you know next week how it goes. Yes.

Also, I love that you're going on the cycle syncing journey or entertaining that idea. It's powerful. It can be a little overwhelming at first.

I am overwhelmed. I'm in the overwhelm stage. I need like an app that—

Well, that's what I was going to say. There is an app.

Tell me.

So it's called 28. And if for you guys that are listening, it's literally the number 2-8. And you like put in the date that you last got your period and then it will tell you day by day What you should be working out, what you should be eating, and then like what you might be feeling because of it. And it is incredible. Whoa.

Also, y'all, I just looked, it's free. It's a free cycle-based fitness app. That's amazing.

I feel like every woman needs it. Just getting really in tune with your health, getting really in tune with what your body needs. And I feel like it gives you a little bit of grace too, of like, if you're feeling a little bit down or sad, it tells you, hey, you might experience some sadness today. And you're like, oh, okay, I'm not crazy.

This is where I have the Flo app, which is like my period tracker app. And so I do get those messages from Flo. And I'm like, my girl Flo, she's in my head. Yeah, she's like, you might be feeling anxious today. I'm like, oh, interesting.

I am. Thank you, Flo, for—

Thank you for validating my feelings. But I'm gonna have to check into this 28. That looks really cool.

Yeah, I love the nutrition part of it. So I'm also on that journey. I've only been really doing it for 2 months now. And I will say it's hard, like even this past week for me of not working, not doing weights when you're on your period is just hard when you've been doing it for so long and then you feel like, oh my gosh, you know, a little bit of body dysmorphia kind of pops up and you're like, what's going to happen if I don't work out for a whole week type of thing?

Or like, if I go a whole week without working out, like, or sorry, if I go a whole week Still moving my body, still like going on walks, yoga, all of that, but I haven't lifted, similar to what you're saying. It's like, well, was it enough? And I think that's where you like slip into some dangerous territory.

Yeah, which has been good. I feel like it's exposed that it's there, and I'm like, okay, well, that's not why we move. Let's shift focus here. We're focusing on our health, and that's what I really love about cycle syncing. Um, what about you?

What are you envisioning right now? I am in between being sick and not sick.

Truly, guys, I'm so sorry. My voice is a little raspy today.

Oh, you're fine.

I can't even tell. Good, good, good. It's a few octaves lower, but that's okay. Um, I am in between just being very mindful of my spending habits. Um, I feel like overall I can be very focused. But honestly, when it comes to sales and like Black Friday and Cyber Monday, it just gets me. I'm like, oh, I've been wanting that for a while. Or like some of those bigger, big ticket items. I'm like, that furniture set, like, wow, it's a lot of money. And like, that's a once a year sale. And so for me, um, I kind of caught myself in those feelings yesterday of that dopamine of like add to cart, shop, blah, blah, blah. And there was a few things that I shopped for, but once I caught it before the whole week kind of takes over. I've just refocused and been like, okay, what's my financial goal till the end of the year? And we're so close. Let's not sabotage that and be like a little bit close to the goal. Let's actually make it there. So I think for me, just being able to refocus on the bigger financial goal has helped decrease my need for spending on Black Friday week. So that's where I'm at.

I love that. You like reconnected to the larger vision. Like, what's— let's get out of the micro moment of wanting to spend this money and let's step back into the macro and look at the big vision of like what we're saving for and why we're saving. I love that. That's amazing. I'm proud of you. Thank you.

Thank you. I will report back next week, see if it fully worked.

You let us know how it's going with Cyber Monday, literally next week. I got back from New York and I reviewed all of my spending, sat down, saw everything I spent, and I was like, and we're not shopping for ourselves for the end of the— for the rest of the year. Like, we're— I am personally, aside from like buying gifts for Matthew and like Christmas and things like that, if it's for other people, it's okay. But we're back on a no-spend fam.

I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

I— it is hard, especially Because I love fashion and I also feel like my style continues to kind of evolve and change. And so that means that sometimes what I have in my closet doesn't really feel like it's reflective of what I want to wear. And I'm like, well, I don't have it in my closet. I need to go buy it. No, no.

Yeah. Let's just continue. And we're doing family photos.

But yeah, I'm hosting my family for Thanksgiving this weekend and we are doing family photos. We hired a photographer down here in Houston because I have a nephew now and our family's grown and so we want to do some updated family photos. Anyways, I didn't buy an outfit.

I'm so proud of you.

I didn't buy an outfit. I was like, you know what? I know the color palette. I know that I have something in this color palette. I'm going to make it work.

Yeah.

But yeah, it's just, it's, it's, um, a process. Do you have anything that you like know that you're going to buy because you were like, I'm waiting for a deal? Yes.

Um, I'm gonna buy a new, which is more of a business expense, but I'm gonna buy a new camera. So I bought a new camera earlier this year, but I usually shoot with 2 camera bodies on me. And I've just noticed when I'm shooting, I like will barely use my old one. Because the new one's just so much sharper. So I'm like, honestly, I need both. I'm like, I cannot— I would just be getting a lot more moments with that. So I'm selling some of my old gear. Literally posted it 30 minutes before going on this podcast.

I saw it.

And then, yeah, I'm upgrading that. So that's a big expense. But other than that, no, honestly, I need to buckle down. But I caught it last night. I literally had like a watch that I wanted. I added it to cart. There was like a coat that I saw that I added to cart. And then I felt the feelings of dopamine rush and I was like, oh no, let's rail it back in.

Yep.

So if you are struggling with the same, just be a little mindful. We're right there with you. And maybe even set a budget of like, what are those What's a budget, or what are those items that you're specifically looking for as you run into Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals? And then you can be a little more mindful about it and feel, um, and not have buyer's remorse.

So right, that's— and especially in those big ticket items. The one thing that Matthew and I've talked about getting and have talked about for about 2 years is a Frame TV. Oh yes. Um, and especially You've seen our living room because it's pretty narrow dining room to living room. Having the TV actually mounted onto the wall, like the TV frame would save almost a foot of the TV coming out at us. I know that's such a small thing, but I was like, I don't know, it would be lovely. But we're still debating whether or not we want to do it and if it fits in the budget. There's other things that we're saving for and want to do. But yeah, having a list going into Black Friday can really help. It's like, okay, what am I looking for? Versus like, oh, there's all these deals, let's just look around. And it's like, oh no.

Yes, yes. Oh no. Which, speaking of holidays, um, today's topic we are sharing on how to prioritize your mental health and set boundaries during the holidays. So we're all seeing people that we love, our friends, our family. There is So many events going on, and I feel like sometimes we can tend to go on the back burner or even have just like this guilt of like, I have to be at everything because if not, I'm going to disappoint someone, or I have to show up even though I'm exhausted because they're not always in town. And so we're really just going to chat through a lot of those feelings that might come up this weekend and how we have each approached it in the past and how we plan to approach it in this Yes, very timely episode.

And it's also, we're trying to keep it real. We know that it's something that we all feel in some way or another. So I think for me, it starts with recognizing that I tend to push through. And like, especially when it comes to being social, I'm like, I'll pack the calendar and I'll push through because, oh, I'm only going to be home for this amount of time. Or, you know, it's the holiday season, so we need to like fit as much in as possible. possible. I think it really starts with knowing yourself and knowing what do you need. Like, do you need more alone time? Do you need, you know, if you're hosting, do you need to go to the gym and get out of the house and have some movement and just burn off some energy, have some, like, some you time? Like, I think that if you can do that and be proactive with it, it can really help set everything up in the holidays. For it feeling very calm, hopefully, and peaceful because you've been intentional about like, how do I prioritize my needs? Well, what do I need? Um, so that's been something I have, you know, navigated, especially with Matthew and Matthew's family and my family. And everyone has different expectations of time and when they're celebrating. And so it can, it can feel like a, um, A lot to manage and navigate, and that's a blessing. We want to spend all the time with everyone. And also we realize like, I'm not going to be present if I don't honor the fact that like I need space.

Yeah.

So I would rather—

That's such a huge thing.

Yeah.

I think like being able to first decide what your needs are and then being able to communicate it is huge. And perhaps it's not just like your personality type, it's also where you're at right now. So for me, I'm coming off of a very busy season and I know like I'm craving time in my house. I'm craving time relaxed with like no nothing on the schedule. So I've already decided that Friday I don't want to see anyone. Like, I literally don't want to see you all. And so for me, it makes it—

Bye.

It makes it fun and exciting to see people On Wednesday and on Thursday, because I know there's a space on the calendar for me on Friday. But I feel like if I hadn't recognized that beforehand and communicated with my family, then likely on Friday my mom would be messaging me like, hey, we have brunch. Do you want to come over for brunch? And then I would have been like, oh, I'm not always here. Sure. And then that guilt will come in and then I would go and then I would just still feel like it's all on the back burner. But now I've communicated to everyone. I'm like, hey, if you do brunch over the weekend, I'm there. But Friday, I don't want to see anyone. Like airplane mode. Like literally, I'm like notification exhausted right now. So that's kind of where I'm at, is recognizing what I need in this season. And also, I feel like it's important to note, like, these are your holidays too. Sometimes we can tend to just default to our parents or grandparents and be like, well, what are the parents doing, and that's what we show up to. But like, we're adults now, and these are our holidays too. So being mindful of how do you want to spend your holidays is important.

Yes, yes. It's like the nostalgia of tradition carries a weight that you want to keep doing the tradition because of all the positive emotions attached to it. And at the same time, sometimes it might not make sense to continue doing those traditions because it doesn't work with I'll give you a perfect example of this. So whenever I started dating Matthew, his family went on New Year's Eve trips every year. That was, that was a part of their family. Um, that was a part of their family tradition. They actually didn't do Christmas gifts. They went on a family trip because they're—

I like that.

Yeah. Like their, um, values and prioritized quality time over gifts, which I thought was awesome and still think is amazing. And so we probably went on 5 or 6 years in a row of going on these New Year's Eve trips every year. And it worked because I had a job that I had really good PTO and Matthew was a student for a good deal of us dating. And so he already had the time off and we were like, this is great. We're going to go. This is a part of the tradition. And then we got married. And then he got a full-time job with only 10 days of PTO for the year. And, you know, we had a lot of travel goals and things we wanted to do. And that was a big chunk of his PTO. And it was also a week out of our lives. We're like, does this— is this— does this tradition still work? Like, for us now as a married couple? And so we had to have a really intentional conversation around We honor this tradition. We know that it— like, look at all the memories we've made from this tradition. We all value travel. Instead of us doing an annual trip every year at the same time, what if instead we prioritize still doing some sort of annual vacation, but maybe it's a long weekend and maybe it's not over New Year's? Because New Year's is also notoriously more expensive to travel because it's New Year's.

Yes.

That's like a very specific example of a family tradition that was so important and is important, and we've shifted it to what we still want to spend quality time, but we might not do it at that specific time of year, and it might not look exactly like this, but we're still prioritizing the time together. And I think it can be really hard to navigate situations like that with a lot of grace and a lot of respect for the tradition and all the feelings that are wrapped up in those traditions as well. Um, I totally get it, and it can be, it can be tough to, to navigate stuff like that. And but at the same time, I am grateful that Matthew and I did communicate that instead of hurting anyone's feelings, instead of ghosting and just being like, oh yeah, and then just not ever communicating, um, or resenting, being frustrated the whole time. Like Those are just not— it's not the kind of energy I want to put out into the world. But it takes, it takes that proactive work in the beginning to communicate and have those conversations so that it can be really positive and loving moving forward.

Yeah. And keeping like a healthy dynamic within the family too, which I think like overall is a good thing to have within the family dynamic. And during the holidays, everyone's just a little bit more stressed, a little bit more emotional, a little bit more on edge. And it can be kind of nerve-wracking to communicate that, right? And actually, my brother just had a situation, and it went great in our family, thankfully. But perks of being the youngest is you see some of your siblings do some things first, and you're like, okay, that went well, so now I can do that. My parents didn't freak out. But it's my sister-in-law's birthday on Thursday, on Thanksgiving. And so my brother is like, hey, we're actually not going to be spending Thanksgiving with you guys. She really wants to spend her birthday in Chicago. So we're going to spend it together. We'll come down during the weekend, but just FYI, we won't be there. And my mom was like, oh, you know, of course we'll miss you, but you know, I get it. And so she handled it so well, which I was so proud of her. I'm sure it's hard for parents whenever you don't have all your kids together. Like, I get it. And also for them communicating it and her not sitting resentfully at Thanksgiving dinner on her birthday, because like, I wouldn't want that either, like around a turkey, like for my birthday, you know. Sick. Yeah. Um, but I just think like it takes that communication and then still prioritizing, um, family time, being like, hey, we're coming down on the weekend and it's gonna be lovely. So, but yeah, going back a little bit to like the stressful times and stressful communication. I guess, like, what would be something that you recommend for someone who, um, struggles with their mental health, or perhaps jumping into a family dynamic that is maybe not as healthy and a little bit more toxic around the holidays? Like, how to navigate that and navigate those boundaries and conversations going into it?

Yeah, well, first off, I think it's really important to ask yourself, is being around— is this environment that I'm putting myself into, is my family or my friends this environment, is it actually like healthy for me? Do I feel safe? Do I feel like I can be myself? Do I feel like I can take up space? I think asking yourself those questions instead of pushing through can also kind of give you an opportunity to realize like you don't need to force yourself to to be in attendance just to check a box if you don't feel like you're able to be yourself. I think that's a big element around the holidays, especially with our generation where I would say that we're very aware and we're all like on a healing journey. And I think that that sometimes looks like not everyone is going to have amicable conversations with their families like you and I just had examples of.

Yeah.

And so I think, like, if you're in that boat, I really feel for you. And I think it's okay not to go. If you need permission to not go to something for the holidays, this is your permission right now. I'm giving you permission. Like, your mental health is not worth putting yourself in an environment that's going to be incredibly triggering for you, that's going to spark your anxiety, that's going to, like, trigger a depressive episode, that's going to result in fighting with your family. Like, genuinely, like, if that is the— if that is what you need, take space and just cancel. Don't go. Whatever you need. Genuinely, I mean that. I think that we need to be more bold with ourselves and give ourselves permission to do things like that if we need to. I think another element is not every boundary or every expectation needs to be communicated verbally. I think that we are both verbal communicators, and so I'm going to do my best to communicate something verbally that I feel like, you know, oh, this is going to be a hard conversation, or I'm worried about how they're going to take this. I want to communicate it verbally. But sometimes if— sometimes a text is okay. If you need to communicate it through text, a phone call, a FaceTime, that's okay too. If you are not in a place where Mm-hmm. You have emotional capacity or energy to go see someone in person or even pick up the phone and call someone. A text is okay. I'm still in the camp of communicating though. I still think that like when it comes to your boundaries or setting expectations around the holidays, I do think that you need to communicate what it is that you need. But I think the way you communicate it can change based on what you have energy for.

Absolutely, absolutely. I could not agree more.

I—

especially with, um, having the freedom to give yourself permission to not go to certain things where it might be a bad environment for you. And I would also say, like, what's, what's the, um, track record of their actions, right? Like, if they've just— if you just had, like, a few fights with someone and things have been sorted out then perhaps reconsider, you know, like just not cutting things off. But if it's a pattern of behavior and you've tried to reach out to this person in your family or a friend and you still don't feel like they listen or they are respectful, then that is somewhere where either you can limit your time that you're going to be there and communicate that already with the people that are going to be there, or simply don't go. And I think another layer to this too, as you were speaking, is perhaps you're on great terms with everyone, but what if you've been through a season of grief, or maybe you guys have lost someone in your family, or you've navigated some really traumatic experiences this past year, and, and it— you just don't feel up for the holidays or socializing and like partying with your friends and family? I've been there, and I honestly wish that I I would have communicated that I wasn't ready to host and I wasn't ready. It was just like a thing where my house was just the biggest house. And so it just had to be at my place, quote unquote, had. And I think looking back to it, like, while I loved being surrounded by my family, I wish I would have communicated like, hey, I would love for you guys to just stay for dinner. But then after that, I need you to go. And I just like needed the time and space to grieve those holidays by myself. And I don't think it was unhealthy. I just think it's hard. And I think back to when we lost my dad and those first few holidays too. I was just a kid, but I just remember thinking it just felt odd to be in a social situation that year. So no matter where you find yourself, if you feel like, oh, but my family's so loving, Yet I have these very heavy feelings. Um, maybe discern whether you're trying to isolate, um, and go into a depressive episode, which is different than you need space to grieve. And perhaps you can spend time with them differently or just in a limited way, and then still have respect for where your heart and your emotions are at right now.

Yeah, I completely agree. And I think also like, um, boundaries around money in the holidays too. I think as you get older, Yeah. I love gift giving and I love receiving gifts. Those are like gifts as one of my love languages. And so I really enjoy like the process of watching someone open something that I got them. Like it brings me a lot of joy, but also recognizing that not everybody in your friend group or in your family are in a financial situation to get everybody a gift, period, multiple gifts. Gift cards, like just that expectation. So I think if if you're in a situation like that right now, or you're in a financially tight season, communicating that with your family, and I've had friends and family communicate that to me before in the past. It's always really helped me not add pressure to their lives of like, oh well then I expect something from you. And I also think like. When you're giving a gift, are you only giving a gift because you're expecting something in return? Or like, oh, I got you something because I know that you're going to give me something.

And so I got you this, like these fuzzy socks, you know? Yeah. It's like the fuzzy socks. It's like the ultimate default.

The fuzzy socks, a mug, you know, there's like certain categories of gifts that you're like, you didn't put any freaking thought into this.

The Starbucks mug gift set where it has like, I love it.

It's for the girly on the go. I guess it's the thought that counts, but from a financial perspective, and Ashton and I have both been on our own journeys with finances, Matthew and I sat down and we're like, this is our budget for the holidays. And we want to give our parents, we have this set aside for each set of our parents and for our niece and nephew and for each other. And really communicating upfront. Because we've been on the backside of Christmas and we've been like, oh my gosh, like we spent way more than what we thought we were going to.

Yes.

And that's because we didn't put any intentionality in it. And I know it can be hard to communicate like your financial place that you're in with your family, but it's like, hey, instead of, you know, doing gifts this year, like what if we, you know, I don't know, I don't know, had different ideas. Or Matthew's family has done this in the past and I've loved it. One year instead of doing gifts, they donated to different charities that were important to us. So instead of having like a materialistic item, they actually donated money to different causes on behalf of each individual. And I love that idea.

That's incredible.

So there are so many ways that we can take Christmas and the holidays and not make it about more consumerism, more like all of that. It can become very overwhelming. And there's a lot of financial guilt attached to the holidays.

Yes. And then there's that guilt too, if you have like a bigger family of, um, well, I, I love you. I don't want like me not giving you a gift to feel like I don't love you. And so, um, I remember one year we had to talk about, because I'm one of 4 and I have lots of nephews and a niece, and so we just had to talk about what are the limits Um, that we're all gonna give to the kids? Or like, are we all not giving to the kids? Like, what's going on? Because then if not, there's one set of aunts and uncles that will go above and beyond, and then the other one just can't. And so it's just like, we don't want them to feel, you know, they're just kids. And so being able to even communicate that within your siblings, I think, is really important. And then like you said, there's so many other ways to celebrate. Like, you could say no gifts and you can draw a name and then maybe you write a letter of just the things that you appreciate about that person that you love about them. And sometimes as a family, we don't take the time to tell our own people what are those things we love and appreciate about them. Or even being like, okay, the name that you draw, you guys spend quality time together.

Yes.

So you go to the movies or you go to dinner together and it's just like Fun interaction that you both put into it that creates a memory rather than just having another item.

I love that. I think that's brilliant, especially the quality time. I've done that with people in the past where the gift is like a full day with me, which is love. The gift is me and time with me.

You're welcome. I know that's everything you wanted. Top request from Santa.

Gosh, but it's Especially with people like my Nana, my parents, and even Matt's parents, I've really enjoyed that quality time and making memories instead of an item. I love that. Okay. For like, what would you say is your 1 or 2 tips around mental health in the holidays? We've touched on it a little bit, but how do you How do you communicate your mental health when you're in the moment? I think that's another thing that can feel kind of hard is sometimes you have the best of intentions and you feel really good going into a situation. And then like all of a sudden your uncle pops off and he's going on about politics and you're getting really anxious and you're like, this environment is really making me like really overwhelmed and overstimulated.

Mm-hmm.

How do you navigate things like that?

Um, honestly, I feel like I'm still learning on that for sure, because here's something that I find— maybe it's just me, but it's like with everyone but my family, boundaries and everything comes so much easier. But I think whenever we go back to that home state, suddenly we go back to that child, right? And we go back to who we default that we are in that family. And I'm like, the youngest in the family and all these different things. And so I'm still in the middle, in between, working through speaking up and setting boundaries and doing all those things, which are always well received, but we just have a lot of strong personalities. And so I can tend to kind of back away from it. So I think a big thing is knowing those safe words that you can say in certain moments, like, Hey, I actually prefer to not discuss that right now. Or can we talk about that later? Or, hey, it seems like this really upset you. Do you want to go take a walk? Do you want to take a second? I don't want this to disrupt our night. Do you want to talk about it separately? Just depending on what's going on. Sometimes the high stress of things and someone's like, okay, well, I guess you don't care about tonight because you're just, you know, Things just happen. And so for me, I can tend to just kind of like freeze up in the moment. So having in my back pocket some of those like keywords, like in scenario A, I'll use wording B, is very useful and to create some boundaries and space. And I'm also someone who like in the moment, I don't know what I'm feeling and processing. Like I'm gonna have to take a second.

Uh-huh.

So I think just having that is really important. But overall, like, for mental health, I think being able to— how you start your day, I think it's really important. Like being able to create some movement. So if you have a routine of going to the gym, working out, doing yoga, going for a walk, like do that in the morning, drink your coffee, like slowly be with yourself and then with like your people and just start like slower day before being rushed into things, I think is important. And lastly, I'll say checking in with yourself and taking ownership for your own emotions. So it's not always the people around us that are causing the thing. Sometimes we're the problem. Hello. Hi, it's me.

It's me.

I'm the problem.

I'm the problem.

It's me. So being just like a little bit more mindful and aware of like if you feel any resistance Or tension built up inside of you, just be like, oh, I'm gonna go take a quick walk, or I'll go to the grocery store and pick up this thing. And sometimes just those few minutes away from everyone and taking that drive, you can ask yourself certain questions like, dang, why did I feel resistance when so-and-so said this? And then you can like, okay, or just at least table and be like, okay, that felt heavy. We'll figure it out later, but like, let's take a second. And then you come back and recoup of like, Okay, we're going to spend great time as a family. So I think just holding yourself accountable, keeping some of those practices in place, like time for yourself during the holidays. And then third, just like being vocal about those boundaries when those tense situations do happen. What about you?

That's all great advice. I honestly, I agree with all of it and giving yourself the permission to step away from a situation. Um, go to the bathroom. I used to do that all the time as a kid. I would just like spend 20 minutes in the bathroom like, what's she doing in there? Um, just, you know, like this healing from you.

No, I'm kidding. Oh my gosh.

Take a long bathroom break. Um, phone a friend. Like, honestly, if you know you're going into a stressful situation, sometimes either having your partner or a close friend that you can text or call in that moment can really help if they're able to take your call. That can just like help sometimes process your feelings. So I, this is something I've learned about myself is when my nervous system, I was trying to figure out the word for that, when my nervous system gets unregulated, I get mean. So I will get Like real short, quippy, sarcastic, like you know the head swerving back and forth, you know. And I have really had to. I have reeled that in a lot. I have processed a lot of that internalized anger, and I think that it comes from a place of like I feel like someone is doing injustice towards a situation, towards a person, like. I have a lot of people in my life very opinionated about politics, and sometimes comments that they'll make that are really ignorant and short-sighted will really set me off. And I have to do the work to recognize that, like, my goal in that moment is not to change their mind.

Yes.

My goal in that moment— my goal in that moment for me is to maybe be curious, seek understanding, maybe find a commonality that we might agree on? Do we both agree that maybe this is wrong? And, or maybe my, maybe my only role in that moment is to listen.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe my role in that moment is not to say anything at all. And that's not doing my values an injustice. It's just I'm protecting my peace. And not every mention of politics or social issues at the family dinner table over the holidays needs to be addressed, and sometimes it does. And I think that's the hardest for me. That has been like one of the hardest things about the holidays is knowing when to speak up and when to protect my own peace because I know that it's going to spark something much larger. But then it's like, well, then I feel like I'm betraying myself and my own values and beliefs if I don't say something, because if I don't say something, no one else is going to say anything. So there's like this this narrative that plays in my head in situations like that. So that is a personal— that's my personal experience with navigating my own anxiety and anger during the holidays is to slow down, recognize what's the goal in this moment. Can I get myself to a place where I can at least take a breath and ask myself, what's the goal in this moment? Mm-hmm. Choose proactively how I want to respond instead of responding because my nervous system is unregulated. And I've allowed that. I allowed someone to say something and impact me in that way. So I— that's a very vulnerable thing that I always have to navigate and have found better ways to, to walk through situations like that, but it can still be very hard.

Yeah, girl, that is so hard. And thank you so much for sharing that because I think a lot of us relate for sure on having these discussions. Especially now.

Especially now. I mean, it's 2022. Like, everything feels very politicized, very polarizing. Anyone's opinion, someone jumps down your throat. I even, I even just, I'm guilty, you know? So it's like recognizing the role we play and how we can hopefully have a connecting conversation and a discussion and not a debate. And that is like, that's like my life mission.

Asterisk. The Alexis mission. Um, something that popped into my head was, um, I, like I mentioned earlier, I'm a family of one of 4, so our family gatherings are quite large. And, um, something that I loved growing up that we kind of did is Whenever we're at the dinner table and we're discussing certain topics, we— there's really no taboo topics in our family. But sometimes, yes, the conversation can go to places where you don't want it to go, and then you feel on edge. And now as an adult, you're— I'm like, well, that's not okay. Or like somebody mentioned something about their— the portion size, right? Like they grab food. That's something that's bigger on the holidays. They're like, oh, I'm just like, I'm on— I'm on a diet, or I'm doing this. Or like, oh, are you— You're only eating that much? Or, oh, you're not going to finish it? Or you're going to eat that much?

You're going to go back for seconds? Or, oh, I worked out this morning, so I earned this. All of that is very toxic language.

It's a no.

Please don't do it.

Please don't do it. The answer is no. But one thing that I found is I feel like we're all on different pages of our growth journey. And so always having that grace perspective, or at least I like to live on that side of things of what if they don't know yet, they're not aware of that language yet. So instead of singling them out on the table in front of everyone, which can feel very mean, honestly, perhaps you make note of it and you don't comment on it. And so a way to still stay true to your values is to then have a conversation with them afterwards one-on-one. And be like, hey, I noticed you mentioned this about my food, or I noticed you mentioned this about your food earlier, or I noticed you talked to so-and-so this way. I just, I don't think that's very loving to you. Like, would you say that to me? Or that wasn't very respectful to them. I just wanted to chat with you one-on-one because it doesn't feel like that's aligned with your values. So I just wanted to ask a few questions on that and just really protecting—

If you pull me into a hallway and you— I receive it, I want it. But I also love that that is so loving to that person too, because we're walking into a situation expecting that they're, they're at the same— they have the same experiences as us. Oh yeah, they know what we know. And that's actually not true at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think too, just being able— I feel like it's respectful And if really what you're trying to do, if the goal is for growth, if the goal is to communicate, for the most part, no one's going to receive it well when you're at a dinner table with everyone and you're singling them out. So really, is it going to be proactive at all? Like, just conserve your energy. You can have that one-on-one. And in that one-on-one conversation, you can see, okay, maybe next time they actually don't care to listen or they don't care about any of that. And that's okay. Yeah. But you still stay true to your values. But yeah, I think just being a part of a larger family, we actually learned by— because we hurt each other a lot by singling people out at the table. And we're like, actually, that's not very good. Let's just chat one-on-one later about it. So I'm not perfect at doing that by any means. Sometimes I do get, you know, in the moment. But I think it's a good practice to get in the habit of and then just So having that, what you mentioned, that goal of— the goal is connection. The goal is to love each other. The goal is to have this moment as a family. And so if that's the goal, then what's the most loving and respectful thing that I can do to approach a hard conversation?

I love that. And Marlene Rose Shaw, who I used to have on the Deeper Life Podcast, she's a fantastic therapist. And we did a whole episode on conflict. And one of the questions that she brought up in that conversation that what really stuck with me, and I think about it often, is when you're in a moment of conflict, ask yourself, how can I invite more respect back into this conversation? Because conflict in general is someone's not respecting the other person. There's, there's some element of disconnect and there's some disrespect happening. Whether someone's not listening or someone's crossed a boundary, whatever it is. And then obviously our emotions get very heightened. We get very triggered by the situation. And so she's like, if you can slow yourself down enough to ask yourself, how can I invite respect back into this conversation? It can really shift the tone of like, okay, I want to take responsibility for what I've added to this conversation so far. I don't feel like we're getting anywhere and I am sorry. For like the negative energy I'm bringing into this conversation. I am obviously very emotional and very touched and heated about this topic. And I have a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts and opinions and facts about what we're discussing. I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can clearly communicate that right now. So, uh, we can either discuss it later at a different time, or I just like, even just starting something like that where like, The tone shifts, you're taking some responsibility, and even if it's the other person's— even if the other person started it, I don't know, I just think that the holidays are just— they are a melting pot of a lot of emotions, expectations, past relationships that have gone well, relationships that have not gone well.

Right.

Things that have been left unsaid, and maybe, you know, you feel the weight of those when you are around your family or even your friends. Um, and so if you got anything from this episode, it's that it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling. It's okay to be excited and have all these amazing expectations. And it's also okay if you're feeling drained or nervous or anxious about the holidays. I have felt all the range of those feelings in my, in my life as well. So it's very normal.

Yeah, definitely. And no matter what, just a little reminder that we are all imperfect people. And our family and friends are imperfect people. And I think being able to come in and come into it with that lens of like, okay, there has to come a point where you just accept and love and still have like healthy boundaries and still uphold that 100%. But also don't let that rob you from the experience that you can have. And so I guess that's kind of where I'm at right now. It's like I see a lot of things pop up and it's going to happen in every friend group and every family. And I'm like, you know what, I choose to let that go. I choose to just not let that be something that's heavy right now. I feel like I've dealt with it as much as I possibly can, and I just accept them as they are. Let's move forward. Let's just enjoy this time together. I never want to look back and be like, dang, I regret not enjoying that more or letting a certain conversation get in the way. So this holiday season, however it is that you're spending it, we send you so much love. I hope that you are able to enjoy it, that you're able to also find time for yourself to rest and to be thankful for all the things in your life, all the people in your life. And we absolutely cannot wait to connect with you all next month, hopefully in person if you're able to make it. And yeah, is there any other thoughts that you had for the episode before we wrap up?

No, no. I think that we covered a lot of areas. And sorry if I was too Dribb and negative. I just feel like there's so many feelings around the holidays. It's like I've been there and I just want to let you know that it's okay. It's okay to feel all the things and create new traditions for yourself and new memories with people that you love. Very excited about our live event. It's December 20th. It's a Tuesday night from 6 to 8 called In Between Years. We're going to be reflecting on 2022 and casting a vision for 2023. We'd love to have you there. You come alone too. I mean, like, you can hang out with Astrid and I. So even if, even if, you know, a friend can't make it, your partner, whoever can't make it, come alone. We'd love to have you and hopefully you leave with a new bestie. And, uh, the link to purchase tickets is inbetweenpodcast.eventbrite.com. We'll have that linked up in the show notes. Thank you all so much for being a part of this community. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean the world to us if you screenshot your podcast player and shared it on social media and tag us @inbetween.pod. And also send this episode to a friend. Or to someone in your life who you think might need to hear it before the holidays, who you know might be struggling, or who you know might just need some encouragement during this time. Share the podcast with a friend. Hopefully we're able to give them some encouragement, and it would mean the world to us. So—

Or send it in your fam group text. Yeah.

Hey family, this is an episode by my girls Astrid and Alexis on prioritizing mental health and setting boundaries this season.

Please listen to it before our Thanksgiving gathering. Thank you.

Oh my gosh, we love a passive-aggressive queen. That's hilarious.

I love that.

Oh my gosh. Um, all right, well, with that, we will see you next week.

Bye.