How to Handle Criticism, Negativity, and Dealing with Haters

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between. Hello friends, and welcome back to another episode of The In Between Podcast. It is one half of the pod, Alexis.

And the other half, Astrid. And today we are going to be talking about how to handle criticism and negativity. I feel like most of our topics are very, very much on the upside of things, the very positive side of things, but we will always keep it real with you. And in this episode, we're going to be sharing some of our own experiences with this, how we have navigated it, as well as the overall filter that we go through whenever we receive criticism or negativity to process and to even decide, like, is this something that I need to reflect on? Is like, do they have a point? Do I need to like really check myself on this? Or is this something that I just need to tuck away and set some boundaries and walk away from? So I am very excited for this topic and just a real talk on The hard things that we can face in our social circles. Yes.

And this is, this is like so timely because I think that we can oftentimes, especially online, we think a lot of criticism and like negativity can come from the internet, but a lot of it's just like stuff in our social circles, things that friends or family say, or you heard from a friend of a friend who was talking crap about you and you're like, wow. you're like, okay, are we in high school? But also this stuff still very much happens. Like, I'm in my 30s now and this stuff still pops up. And it's okay, how do I handle this? And who am I? And I have to like remind myself, I want to clap back and I want to be defensive because that's honestly a part of my personality type. And I love that about me. And also the like healed, mature version of me is like, okay, What are they going through? And like, how do I want to interpret this? I'm not going to internalize it. But like, the, the realness of it is that you do like get hurt and you do feel that like, oh, that, that sucks. Like, that hurts my feelings. Um, so I'm excited to talk about this. Before we do, life updates, in-betweens, what's new in your world?

Oh my gosh. Life updates. Okay, this is a very minimal one, but I've been trying a new sunscreen because your girl is so allergic to sunscreens and finally found one I'm not allergic to.

What is it?

And it's the Dime one, the Dime brand. Yeah. And it's fantastic, but I actually think it's clogging my pores. And so for the first time, I'm experiencing breakage that isn't from allergies, that's more from just skincare situation. And, you know, that can really put a damper on your self-esteem. So navigating that right now, I'm like, does my skin just need to get used to it and I just gotta tough it out and like just keep putting sunscreen on? Or will I show up to Europe like scarred with a scarred face? So I am navigating some beauty challenges on that front. And then overall, just Girl, working away, editing away my life because I have so many projects to turn in before I leave next week and just prepping for the trip. And at the same time, just mentally prepping for it and being like, what do I actually want to get from this experience? So I'm in the season of, or in between purchasing a film camera.

Exciting.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to go on Thursday to buy a film camera that I'm going to use during the wedding, that I'm going to use during the trip. And I've just been going through a whole rebrand in my business right now as well, like website, logo, style, all these different things. And as I shift more into the luxury market, film is basically a prerequisite for any kind of wedding.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm like, you know what, what better wedding to start with than the one that's In Italy and be able to have some of that content. I'll just add that on and throw it on. And I've always wanted to do that as well. So I am starting to jump into my film era.

I love that. Also, like, the— just want to pause on earlier about the breakout situation. That can absolutely, like, dampen. And I know that you put so much effort into your skincare, and then you have a product that you can finally use that checks this box, but then it unchecks another. And that is so frustrating. Um, well, Welcome to womanhood.

It's like, gosh dang it.

But I'm excited to see how the film side of things works out. I mean, you're right, building a film portfolio, like starting that in Italy, what more could you ask? So that is so exciting.

Thank you. Thank you. I am stoked and I will definitely be asking you to take some film photos for me too.

I'd be happy to.

You don't know this, but you're in your film era as well.

I'm also going to be tapping into this. I love this. That is one of the things about your close friends is when they start to get really interested in something, it kind of in a beautiful way bleeds into your interests. I'm really into fantasy and you must read ACOTAR or else. And so now I'm into film. So this is perfect.

Yes. What has been going on in your world?

Oh, well, the Holistic 30 Wellness Challenge has kicked off and it feels really good. I know that we're not too far into it yet. I love seeing people come together and prioritize themselves and share the smallest wins. And it has been so gratifying to just be a part of it. Also, like the mental blocks that I'm working through as well when it comes to moving my body. And yeah, I'm honestly just really enjoying it. I'm also enjoying showing up on social media right now. Like, I just like it. I feel like it's really fun. Also, the trip to Europe was really inspiring to me. And I find that obviously it's easy to create content in beautiful places. And I think that in the past, I've come home and I'm kind of like, well, I don't really know what to share. And I've just loved sharing the everyday life stuff as well and not letting travel or trips be the only thing that I'm excited to share about. So that's been really fun and just something I've kind of creatively been working through. Um, so yeah, that, that's it on, on this front. We hosted family this past weekend. We've had a lot of social, like very social weekends and it's been so great. And also Matthew doesn't know this yet, but we have a very social weekend coming up and there are some things I want to cancel. And so he and I are going to talk about that and just like, hey, here's some things I might want to not do. And what do you, what do you think about that? And are you okay with that?

Yeah.

Because there's nothing like In the moment when you're really excited and you want to do all the things and then you start stacking them up for the weekend and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now we've got no downtime. So yeah, that's all.

Oh, I, I love to hear all about like how you navigate life from your trips, from like lifestyle, like all your social events. Sometimes I am jealous of your energy because I'm like, if I had one of those social events on the weekend, I'd be like, okay, Sunday is recoup time. And you're like, no, let's go. Plus club, another club.

Yeah. And it's something like in the moment, I am either really liking it. I think it's another thing too when there's like room for spontaneity. And that's important. So I don't like having everything booked because then I can't be spontaneous and say, do you want to go meet for coffee or go get our nails done? So that's important. Did you already share your in-between? Was it the film camera or do you have something else?

Um, I could, I could share something else.

Like, I could add another one in there. You want to go first? Sure.

Share yours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am currently in between. This is a big one, and it's not something I have shared yet, but, um, Matthew and I are about to do long-distance marriage again. Um, He took a contract. We both decided it was very much an us decision. Um, but yeah, he decided to take a contract in West Africa for this incredible project that he is the main project manager for. Huge career opportunity for him. And I am literally so stoked, but I first found out about this, this opportunity in about like February, early March, and a lot of it didn't really get solidified until late March. Um, so he will be rotating to West Africa, uh, 28 days on, 28 days off. So if you've been following me for a while or have listened to the podcast for a long time, we used to do this 2020 to 2022. Um, and I think a big thing for me during this decision-making process was I thought that that part of his career and honestly a part of our marriage was like that door was closed. And then when this opportunity came back up, I was like, oh, this is so outside of what I have even had in my peripheral that it felt very like, oh, it's a no for me. And then I really had to like sit with myself and think about what that would be taking away from him. And, how could this actually add something to my life and to my summer? And so, just through a lot of conversations and really aligning with each other on why he wanted to do this, why this was important for him, and then also just voicing some of my own concerns around long distance because we were long distance for 5 years dating and then we did 2 years of long distance as a pretty newly married couple. So much of that hesitation was like we are not where we were. Like we were in such a secure, solid place that it's like we're different people than who we were in 2020, and so this could be a completely different experience for us. So when you're listening to this, he will already be in West Africa, and he's starting his first rotation this June, and it will most likely. Uh, continued through the end of the year, so it'll be a 6-month experience for us. But when he's home, um, he'll be home for 30 days straight and doesn't have to go into the office because he will have just worked 30 days straight for about 14-hour days in a row and no days off. Um, so yeah, I'm super excited for him, and that is where we are right now. It's a really big in-between.

Mm-hmm.

Um, just navigating a lot of Expectations, communicating through our feelings as we lead up to time apart. And I'm going home to Illinois for a couple weeks. I'm meeting you in France. Like this first hitch, this first five weeks of him being gone, I'm like it'll be okay. But now I'm like okay, what do I want to do in like September and like all the other times where he's away to just be really intentional with my time and not. like seep into the loneliness that honestly, like long-distance relationships can, um, can create. So yeah, that's a big like life update and an in-between, but I'm feeling really optimistic about it. And honestly, like I'm in a really good positive headspace, but it wasn't an easy, uh, road to get here, if that makes sense.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think it can be so hard to navigate a huge shift in your marriage, especially whenever that was something that happened in the past and you're like, okay, that chapter has been closed, that book has been closed. We are now in this season. And I'm proud of you because if there's one thing that both you and Matthew do is, is you both still keep your independence within the marriage. You are able to really be each other's fan and be like, hey, I support support you in what you're doing and you're supporting me in what I'm doing. And sometimes that calls for compromise and sometimes that calls for sacrifice. And you're still able to really cheer each other on in those choices that are so important.

Yeah.

And yeah, I just want to validate that for, for a second because I don't think there's a lot of marriages where you can find that mutual support for an extended period of time. And I think that speaks volumes to the intricacies of how you both have supported each other and loved each other and built so much trust in your relationship that you're like, you know what, this will be hard and we can do it.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. I think that, you know, I feel grateful to have a support system and a community that is like, we are here for you, we support you, like whatever you need. And even like when I called my mom back in March and told her She was like, okay, cool, just like come home for a couple weeks and we can hang out. And even just like, not that it made light of it, but it's like I'm thinking about me being here in Houston the whole time by myself, and it's this other perspective of, yes, that's an option. Or you could go spend time with family. You work remote, you have the, the flexibility and the freedom to go do that. Like, why not go spend a couple weeks with your niece and nephew? And so I think that has really allowed me to look at this as a positive. And I'm just so proud of Matthew to be where he is in his career, where he's getting these opportunities. And I also feel like something that he and I have both practiced is being incredibly future-minded, where like, I know that this project upon completion will open doors for him in like 6 years. Like, 15 years, they're going to see this and they're gonna be like, oh, okay. Like, yes, it's a yes for us. And I think that that's like the short-term sacrifice for long-term gain. And anything that we've done in our careers, we've had that in mind of like, this is going to pay off. Um, and you know, if it's like, will it? I don't know. Then we usually don't do it. But if it's like, yes, it will pay off and we know it will, then this feels like one of those opportunities for us. So anyways, we're excited.

Yeah.

I wanted to share with the pod community.

I don't know if I'm going to share on Instagram yet.

But this is just like such a little fam that I felt comfortable enough to share. But yeah, so anyways, what about you?

Oh, well, congrats to Matthew. So excited. And also, I'm bummed that I won't be here when I know we're gonna be home.

But you know what? I literally go home and you are gone like the day I think I get home. And then, but I'll meet you. I'll meet you in France.

You know, you know what? I will take that over meeting you in Southern Illinois. Okay. My in-between. Okay. I feel really proud of myself because I am usually someone that needs to have things figured out or somewhat totally decided and solved. And right now it feels like my current in-between is I am learning to be happy In the unknown and that in-between space.

Yeah.

And not letting my mind just ruminate on things, whether it's about business or my relationship or what's going to happen at the end of the year or where I want to move. It's like I am making steps forward and being responsible in each of those areas and being like, okay, I can see only this far. What can I do with that? And past me would've wanted to figure out the next 5 years right away. in a week, deep dive. And so if you know me, that's also how I work through my healing layers. I will be depresso for a whole week and deep dive, and then I am resuscitated the next week and happy because I deep dove into it. But I'm realizing that's just not how all areas of life work, especially when you're dealing with other people, other contractors, other humans that need time to process and need time to work on things. And so Yeah. So I am in this in-between where normally I would feel so much anxiety about having a lot of things in my life unknown, but I weirdly feel so at peace and grounded, and I'm very grateful for it. I feel like I have wanted to be this person for a really long time, and I don't want to sacrifice the little moments that are happening now just because things might be different later on.

Mm-hmm.

So it feels really, really good. Still uncomfortable, still weird. But yeah, I would say I'm like in a big in-between in my life in that sense.

That's big. It sounds like you are surrendering, like surrendering a lot of what you genuinely don't know and like can't control to just be present. You said something like, I've wanted to be this person for a long time. Tell me more about that. Yeah.

I mean, whenever I quit my job, I was like, I need to know that I'm going to be super successful if I go full-time. And then I still did it without knowing, but the anxiety was very, very high. And instead, right now, I am shifting quite a few things in my business, and I'm just leaning more into curiosity and experimenting with things and being like, okay, when I come back from Europe, Here's some key things that I know I want to change. Here's some key things that I know I want to happen. So let's just test it out. If it doesn't work, then we pivot again. And so I think I just lived so much in that anxiety where being able to make that decision took me so much research, so much time, so much needing validation from others to tell me that that was the right decision. Where now I feel like I'm truly just making it for me and being like, okay, this is the right next step. I don't even know the next 5.

That's also a part of, I think, maturing in a way. It's like peeling back another layer of recognizing what we can and can't control. How do you know when to plan and when to surrender?

Great question. I think that anything that's within your control, that's what's possible for you to plan. And I think anything that's outside of your control, that's where you just have to surrender. Like, will I get, you know, $20K weddings next year? I don't know. But what can I control? My time, my marketing, my efforts, my work. Like my work ethic, my customer service, like those are all things that I can control, learning more about the industry. And so I think at times I wanted change, but I didn't, um, fully dive into the research of it or just be okay with the messy, just trying things and it might not work out and then we shall see.

Yeah.

And, um, yeah, I think that's the beauty of entrepreneurship. It just, Helps you shed your ego and helps you just try things and fail at them. And then you truly recognize like, I'm one step closer to where I want to be long-term.

Mm-hmm.

Um, but yeah, I think part of it is letting go of perfectionism. Part of it is scarcity mindset. Part of it is like finances. Like there's just so many layers that wrap up into it. But ultimately, if you can focus on what you can control, Then it allows more space for the surrendering to be able to happen.

That's beautiful. Sorry, I had so many follow-up questions.

No, I love it.

I love it. I'm in my interview mode.

You make me think. I love it. Okay.

Today's topic, handling criticism, negativity. I am really looking forward to this. So, um, do you care if I kick it off actually? Okay. So something that I like to bucket when I get an interaction from someone, so it's like something is coming my way and it feels negative or I'm triggered by it in any way, I'm trying to bucket the information into like, is this critical feedback or is this just negativity?

Mm-hmm.

And if it's feedback, like what is it that I can take from that. And if it's negativity, then that's like a deliberate choice of me deciding to ignore it, let it go, set a boundary. So when it comes to both of those buckets, I also feel like it's important to look at the source. So who is saying it and what— like, what are they really saying and why are they really saying it? So sometimes you'll get feedback, and it's actually kind of like elusive. I don't know if you've ever heard this before, but like someone like say something to you and you're like, what do they really mean by that? You know? And then it's like, okay, then why did you actually say it? Like you start to kind of dissect the layers of what someone said. Yeah. And I think this can be a helpful exercise as long as we're not staying there for too long. Um, like we don't need to sit in that headspace for hours and hours or days and days. But if you can like take it a little step deeper, it's like, is this person, um, depending on the source, like it's usually a reflection of how they're feeling about themselves. Um, or it's also a result of their programming. So like if they have a negative opinion about something that you're doing, it's a projection of their programming. So like, you know, we all think a certain way. We all have lived experiences that influence how we show up and behave. And what we believe. And a lot of times when someone's projecting that onto you, we make that about us. And really it's just a part of their, you know, programming and what they've learned throughout life that is forming that thought, which then they're like, I'm going to say that to that person. And so I think when you can like start to break it down in that way, it doesn't become as personal, but it still stings. So what about you? Like, how do you— kind of bucket what is real feedback and then what's the credibility of the feedback? How do we want to weight it? And then what is just pure negativity that you're like, I'm not going to spend any second thinking about that?

Yeah. Oh my gosh. I would honestly echo your 2 buckets and I would add a 3rd one because I think that whenever we're doing community with people and you're in a partnership and you're in friendships, long long-term friendships. At work, you get like, you're working through all these very stressful situations together. I think that both of those buckets exist within still like the very healthy relationships.

Mm-hmm.

And so another filter that I like to run that through is, are they currently like in an emotional state of, are they stressed out? Are they like, uh, sad? What's the context of where they're telling me that? Because If it wasn't someone that I'm so close to in proximity, then I would just perhaps lean towards, okay, well, the source is not someone that I trust or admire or care to really hear that from. So that may not be as constructive or even— or it's just overall negative.

Mm-hmm.

But if it's from someone that I love, a lot of times I've been able to figure out the deeper layers of like, okay, they're feeling not as confident in us. Or perhaps like, I haven't communicated how I want feedback. And that's another huge layer of it is like being able to communicate how we want feedback sometimes can feel like criticism.

Mm-hmm.

And criticism can be constructive. And so navigating that in a relationship or navigating that in friendships, it's actually healthy, but I think at times we can just knock it down because it doesn't feel right.

Yeah.

And perhaps it wasn't right, the situation itself, but ultimately there's like that second layer of we're trying to build a relationship with them going forward. So how do we get that feedback? So I think taking those, those things into consideration where who's the source, like how close are you to them, and if you've gotten to step where you're like, what they said, I don't feel like it's true. It's just hurtful or mean or whatever it is. Then deciding, like, do I need to stand up for myself or do I need to communicate, hey, this hurt me? And going forward, like, I don't want you to mention anything about my body or how I dress or my work or whatever that might look like. So yeah, I think for me it's like those, those 3 buckets.

Yeah. As you were talking, a conversation I had with Anne-Laure Lecomte, who's a psychologist and she's a writer online, and her and I were talking about a negative piece of feedback that she got. She had announced that she was writing a book and someone had kind of snapped back at that announcement with a very detailed negative feedback. To her, and while the delivery of it was not kind, she was able to say like there are aspects of this that are rooted in some truth that then I need to make a decision on because she had an online business and there were aspects of like what this person was saying were kind of paused made her pause and think okay while the the tone of this is not Nice and it's not helpful. There are pieces of this that I can take as as like helpful criticism, and I can then shift some things in my business, bring on some help, and I can serve my community better because of this feedback. And so I think like that's where we can try to turn down the dial of our emotions in a way, and just say like what of this? is factual and what of this can I throw out and say like, okay, now that we've like crossed out all this stuff, what specific thing can I learn from this?

Mm-hmm.

And I think those are moments for me when that comes up where I, I'm always like, okay, what can I learn about this relationship? What can I learn about how I am communicating or not communicating well enough? And even like feedback in my career, not where I am right now, but in the past with certain situations, it's like, oh, we we just like don't see that you're growing in this area. And I'm like, oh, I actually work on that every week. And they're like, oh, we didn't know. Okay, well, I could just I could communicate that by sending you a weekly report of XYZ. And so because there wasn't that communication and there wasn't that visibility into what I was working on. They had this, you know, perceived notion that like, oh, Alexa doesn't care about that. She's not working on it. And I was, but I wasn't communicating the work. And so there's aspects of so much of like criticism that we can be like, oh, they just don't see me. They don't like care that I'm working hard. Okay. That's one way to look at it. The other way to look at it is like, wow, I'm not communicating effectively enough because they don't know that I'm doing this. Why don't I just Write a weekly Slack report, and all it'll fix this whole situation. So I think like the tendency to want to get defensive. How do you navigate that? Because I think it's a part of human nature a lot of times to like feel our chest rise, and we kind of feel our shoulders tense, and we're like, you know, we kind of go into defensive mode. How do you navigate that? Personally.

And I love it. Yeah, I love that you brought this up because I see this so much in the creative industry, not just as a photographer, but even when I was in marketing, like people get defensive about their work and they're like, we have one graphic designer. And so everybody else just doesn't get that this is what good design is like. And so being able to navigate when you are the artist, for example, and you're communicating to other people that might just not get it, it's like, well, it's being marketed to a bunch of other people that also don't get it. So maybe they have a point as well on, on the work, right? And I think as artists, we're so protective of our work and we hold it so dearly to us, which as we should. And also receiving that feedback is huge. And I will see also photographers post on photography blogs about their clients, like, my clients just don't get this, or how dare they, and be and bash them. When ultimately it's about, can you, was there something you didn't communicate along the process? Like people will be like, oh, my clients keep checking in on how, when I'm going to get my photos back. Well, have you thought about that? Maybe you never even told them when they can expect to get their photos back. And so if you add that to your process, then they'll never ask because they can see it and they can read it, or at least it reduces it greatly. And so I think sometimes we do have that ego pop up where we're like, Oh, like they should just know. And it's like, what if they just don't know? And are you able to run through that filter of what can I be doing better? So yeah, going back to your question on handling those situations and whenever we get emotional about it, some of them can hurt our feelings. Some of them like hurt specific wounds that we have. I used to process this Very much by myself. And I feel like recently I've added a new layer that has felt really healthy, and it's asking my friends if I can vent with them. And a lot of times as I vent with them, I'm able to realize like, okay, this part, this 50% was just my emotions running through it. And then this 50% is what I actually want to take action on. And like, they have a point here, and here's how I choose to move forward. forward. And I think both are important because sometimes when we focus too much on what's the right thing to do, we also never process the emotional parts. Like, it's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad that you wanted your client to have a 10 out of 10 experience and they had a 6 out of 10. But what can you learn from it? How can you make it up to them?

Yeah.

And that has been something that I've had to learn because I'm— I can turn to just shift into logical mode and what's the next step. And I feel like stopping to just validate my emotions, whether it's just venting with my partner or a friend and being like, oh, I'm frustrated this happened. And then the next day I'm like, okay, and this is how I want to move forward. And, or I reflected and I didn't communicate enough, or I— something fell through the cracks. And that has happened with some of my clients. Like, it's just human interactions. We all receive communication differently. We can always improve on communication as well.

Yeah.

And so I think validating the emotions of you're frustrated, you're mad, you're sad that someone said something. Actually, I'll share a story. So, um, the TikTok story. My mom gave me, uh, this Louis Vuitton bag and, um, it was from like her business in Venezuela from whenever she started it. And she had this bag for like 30 years. It's like in pristine condition.

Yeah, it was in a bag. Like it had all the things. Yeah.

Yeah, it's beautiful. And so I posted on my TikTok as more from like an entrepreneurial perspective of like how special that as an entrepreneur, I get to have my mom's bag from when she used to own a business. Well, this like luxury handbag guy re— like stitches my video. And it basically says, if this was my mom, I wouldn't trust her. And I got so pissed and so defensive because that's my mom's face now all over TikTok and that he's bashing her and all these comments on there about the bag. And I'm like, first of all, you missed the point. Second of all, like, I don't care. The whole thing is that my mom gave me this bag. And yeah, I could not sleep that day. I was so pissed. I, you know, hats off to influencers and celebrities that have to deal with all these comments and things online about them because I just won. I was like, I'm out of here. But it's one of those things where I let myself sit on it and I was like, why am I so defensive about it? If it was just me in the video, I genuinely wouldn't care. But it was my mom's sweet face all excited throughout, like going viral on TikTok and that, like, I'm protective about my people.

Yeah.

And at the same time, I was like, okay, I'm not going to let this man rob me from this beautiful moment that I just had with my mom that she's passing down to me. But it was hard to get there. It took me like a solid 2 days to get back to that spot. And Yeah, it was tough. I think it's navigating criticism and negativity about people that you love is a whole other ballgame.

Yeah. Also, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is just total bullshit. And you got my full response to that in a text message, which I will not repeat for the podcast. But I can't believe that that happened. That's the kind of thing that the negativity feeds off negativity. So someone puts out a negative video and then everyone's in the comments being negative. And it's just like, it's so interesting, the psychology of it all, that someone opens the floodgates and everyone else is like, okay, this person went in, so I'm going to go in on it too. And I just—

Yeah.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's just ridiculous. I love that you sat with why you were triggered about it. I thought that's interesting. Like, you're like, you were feeling defensive naturally, naturally, but you're like, what about this feels so like heavy to me? And I think that's a part of getting and receiving negative feedback, especially from people that you don't really know. Like, he didn't know you, you know? So that's even a whole other level of like Where do you even rate that on like caring? But it's like, this is a stranger saying something about me and my family. And like, that is just, it feels like a violation. Um, I was going to really quickly go back to something that you said, like wrapping up the work side of the conversation is when you get feedback and you do respond, something that I have learned that is really helpful in fostering an environment where people do share feedback with me is saying thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, I know that giving feedback can always be kind of hard or uncomfortable. I really appreciate you coming to me with this. You're right, I'm gonna do better. And that's something that like is really important for me to vocalize and to let them know that I see their point of view and I will work on it, try harder, do better, communicate, like whatever the situation is. Something else that I have tried is when you get like small pieces of feedback about your work, um, and instead of like trying to defend, sometimes that person's actually right. They're just right, period. And instead of trying to explain yourself, something else I do is I'm like, you're— you know what, you're totally right. Let's change that right now. And like lowering the emotional response to that kind of interaction.

Yeah.

It also like tells people, oh, I can tell Alexis. I'm, you know, I'm— it's safe to be like, I don't like this, I like this. Like, that has really helped me again just receive better. And it's not a thing. I don't make it a thing because I'm telling them like, you know what, you're right, this could totally be better. Let's do— let's go with your direction. Let's change the sentence. Let's change the graphic. Let's ask that person instead. Like, whatever the situation is. Back to just bullshit negativity. So we were home for Christmas and we had a friend over that we don't get to see very often. And they were just like catching us up and they were asking, my husband and I own a rental property back in our hometown. And they were asking us how it was going. We're like, great, our tenant's awesome. By the way, I'm so excited. We just showed the property. Our tenant moved out after 2 years. Because they bought a house and are getting married. And we showed the property today through a real estate agent. First tenant, first interest, signed the lease today. So, heck yeah. So excited about that.

I have to screenshot that and put that in the comments.

So literally, we're not— we didn't lose any rent. Like, she literally moved out at the end of May, and this person is like, May or the month of June. So just really like it shows that people in the area want that kind of housing. And anyways, it just allows Matthew and I to know that that area is worth investing in and making properties better. All that to say, back to the situation at Christmas, we have now had the property for a couple of years. Friend was checking in, how's it going? We're like, it's going great. They're like, yeah, you know, so-and-so just the other day, you know how those conversations, so-and-so just the other day was just like talking crap about why you guys did that and how that doesn't even make any sense and why you do that from Texas and yada, yada, yada. And like just went on and on and on. The first thing that I said to our friend, because I'm used to this at this point, especially from just dynamics Small town stuff. I said, "Why were they so comfortable sharing that with you?" That was the first thing I said, and they were like, "Well, you know how blah blah blah." You know, just kind of like brushed it off. And then I said, "At this point, we understand that there will be people that don't understand or agree with buying property and renting it out, and they feel uncomfortable with that. That's totally their opinion. But honestly, like where Matt and I are, we're really not interested." interested in hearing that kind of, uh, feedback or talk. Like, we don't need to hear that because we are just gonna keep on doing what we're doing. And so while you might think that's helpful, we actually don't care. And if anything, like, it just makes us want to do it more. So— And they like didn't know how to respond in that situation. But— and I might have come on a little strong because those kinds of things really upset me, especially because if you see someone going after something that they really want and all people have to do is just talk crap about it.

Yeah.

I just think like, you know, it's a reflection of a lot of their own dead dreams and goals that they didn't hit and things that they're not going after because they're scared. And I hope that at some point they push through that. But the next best thing for people like that to do is to talk crap. And they're comfortable with that mindset. And anyways, that was like a huge boundary I put up with that friend. I was like, we're not going to talk about this anymore. It's been years. Why are people even discussing this anymore? So I think this is like a very specific example, but I am sure if you're listening, there is something in your life that you've thought of, like with Astrid with the Louis Vuitton bag and the person on the internet being mean, Or someone in your hometown that like doesn't even really know you or doesn't really know what's going on, but they want to like tell you stuff that other people have said about you. It's just not worth your energy. And I feel like those are the kinds of things that you can set a boundary up or have a conversation and just not let it dictate your behavior. But it does suck because then Matthew and I at the end, we're like, man, that sucks. Like, That just sucks.

Yes. Oh, I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself. And as you were chatting, I was hoping that we were going to go there in the conversation because while there are times that we can take feedback and all those good things, there are times where you just got to stand up for yourself and shut it down.

Yeah.

Because people have their own values and their own set of ideas too. And I think sometimes people try to impose their religion, their values, what they would do in your situation to you. And that is not healthy criticism. And I feel like that happens a lot in small towns, in family dynamics, and sometimes in social groups too.

Totally.

And so knowing how to set that boundary and be like, actually, I don't want to hear that and I don't need to hear that, or I am making that decision on my own. I would like no input. Thank you. is important. And so as we wrap up, I love all the phrases that you have implemented whenever you have to like stand up for yourself. I would love for you to just like rapid fire through a few that our listeners can use whenever somebody imposes on their boundaries and are being critical.

Yeah, I mean, I think if it's verbal, one that's my favorite is, I'm not interested in being spoken to like that. So if someone's coming at you really harshly with like some sort of negative, like, and it's like face to face, um, that's like a quick one that I've used. The other one is like, this has happened to me a couple of times in my life where someone will come to me after someone else has said something negative about me. And like, I will always, a lot of times be like, oh, why were they so comfortable like talking to you about that? That's so curious. What did you say?

Yeah.

What did you say?

Oh, I love that one.

And really press them on it. Like, oh, how'd you respond? Um, and then another one that I like to say is like, I understand that you might think this is helpful, but it's not. And so I don't, I don't find any value in these kinds of conversations. And that's also like another thing that just kind of lets people know, like, they think that they're just kind of shooting the shit and thinks that funny or think it's like, I just want to let you know. Um, but to me, I'm like, I don't find any value in these kinds of exchanges. And so I'm just not interested in, in going there with you. Um, those are like a couple things I like to say, um, that help me just like set up a set of boundaries. I love it. And I'm also like, I think there are ways to be really kind and soft and like true to yourself through those things too. So find what your phrases are and just use those in your back pocket because they can be really helpful in situations like that. Or just like delete things, delete comments, like just don't even block people. Like, I think that's another thing if you're on the internet and you have any sort of social audience at all, like, you know, we don't— you don't have to engage in it if you don't want to. And like, what do you need to do to protect your peace in those situations?

Absolutely. Yes, that is something that has helped me a lot as a recovering people pleaser and wanting to keep the peace in certain situations. Unless it's a heavy situation that I'm like, I need to set my boundary, then I am not inclined to speak up like that. But I've realized and grown through those situations where even in those small things, quote unquote, small things, it's important to speak up for yourself. And so one that I've loved is just saying, that has not been my experience, or I was not there, so I don't know. But from my experience, they were really great. They were blah, blah, blah. I'm sure everybody else has a different experience. And that is true for anything. Like, someone might have had a bad breakup, and maybe they were a horrible girlfriend, horrible boyfriend, but they're an amazing friend. It's not your experience. It's a different experience. And so I think just sharing and putting that boundary of that was not my experience, or I would— I don't really— I'm not looking for input right now, but when I am, I'll let you know. Or just saying, I'm not really looking for input right now. I am trying to decide what I want to do is also one that I like to implement. And in general, I think just if someone's commenting about somebody else's dreams, bodies, choices, whatever. I think just saying, hey, that's their choice. And if they're happy, then they should do what makes them happy. Why are we talking about it like that?

Yeah.

And then I always flip that, especially with my family. If they, if they bring it up, I would say, if someone was judging me for my choices like that, well, how would you feel? And so it's like, it just like sparks that in them. So again, it doesn't have to be aggressive, but I think having some of those phrases can really help. To set those boundaries, and it has really helped me. So I hope that you all have enjoyed this episode, that it helps you next time that you're in a difficult conversation, that you're able to take the feedback or set the boundary. Um, but I have loved chatting through this and having a refresher of how to process through criticism and negativity.

Yeah, it's helpful. And if it was for you, this is actually This was actually a suggestion from Instagram. So thank you for writing in and suggesting it to us. Happy to talk about it. If you have more suggestions you want us to talk through, let us know. You can do that @inbetween.pod on Instagram. You can always connect with me personally @AlexisTeichmiller.

And you can connect with me @AstridJohannaPhoto. We will chat with you next time. Bye.

Bye.