In Between Big Chapters & Life Decisions (Career, Motherhood, & Healing)

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between. Hello friends, and welcome back to The Welcome to another episode of The In Between Podcast. It is one half of the pod, Alexis.

And the other half, Astrid. And we are so excited to be back every single week chatting with you all. And this week's episode is a little bit extra special because even though we always include vulnerability in our episodes, this one is primarily vulnerability where we're going to have an honest chat with you on all the ways that we feel currently in between. Some are bigger areas in our lives, some big decisions, some big in-betweens where we currently find ourselves in. And in a world where social media can a lot of times mask those things that we're feeling, or where everything seems so perfect, and you might see us traveling or with our partners and seeing all the fun things that are very much happening in our lives, we're also going to peel back the curtain and share with you what it is that we are currently navigating and the things that are top of mind for us. So I'm excited for this episode. I think it's going to be so, so good to just voice some of these things. Like, we have each been feeling them, but sometimes just voicing them can be so liberating.

Mm-hmm.

And also for our community, that you all can feel seen and, and for you all to take some time to do it yourselves too. So It'll be a great chat. But before we jump into all of that, what have you been up to? Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I'm really excited for this deep dive into what we're in between in different areas of our lives. Life updates. Yes. Just got back from Turkey. Wow. What an amazing trip. I was there for a week on a company offsite for my full-time job at Circle. And it was genuinely, I think, the best offsite I've been a part of. This was the 4th one that I've been at. I've been at the company for a little over 2 years, and this was like our 4th official offsite as a company. So I've been to all of them, and this one was so connective. We had over 100 colleagues there. We rented out an entire resort.

Wow.

So it really felt like the anywhere you walked, on the elevator, in the gym, by the beach, by the pool, getting lunch. There were all of these really organic interaction points with different members on my team that I don't get to see or interact with on a daily basis that might be outside of the marketing team, which is the team I'm on. And it was just so fun. Doesn't even really describe it, but loved Turkey. And actually something that really Like was very meaningful and sentimental to me was that several people at the company that I didn't know, like have— no, but like I didn't know that they listened to the podcast. Oh, no way.

Shout out to them. Hello.

I'm like, shout out to Miguel, shout out to Tricia, like shout out to Emma. Like so many of my colleagues that I don't get to talk to all the time, they're like, oh yeah, I down— like they just in like passing, they're like, oh yeah, I downloaded your episode on blank to listen to the plane on my way back to the States. And I'm like, that literally means so much to me. And yeah, it was just very like heartfelt. But overall, like, we came up with some really big ideas for Circle's brand and just like having the founders of Circle in a room, like getting to like get into the nitty-gritty of stuff.

Mm-hmm.

We're able to accomplish so much in such a short period of time. And I'm just so grateful that One, I work for a company that values that, but then also I was able to go and attend. And yeah, it was just everything I could have wanted, feeling very energized about work right now.

Oh girl, I love that so much for you. I am so happy that you're somewhere that they value travel as much. I feel like they're speaking your love language. They value travel, they value good food and good company. And the fact that so many people showed up, I think it also speaks volumes to the leaders there and the fact that they're wanting to not just host a retreat to say and launch things and be like, this is what we're going to do this year. And like, this is the final result of what leadership came up with, but that you're involved in the creation process and that the team were like, let's come up with these big ideas and these fun things in a new environment is just beautiful. I don't think there's a lot of companies that do that nowadays, and I love that for you. It looked Incredible. And shout out to our Circle listeners. We love y'all. We love you so much. Yes, I need, I need to, um, come to one of these events or something so I can meet them all. Or please slide into the DMs so I can meet you all too, virtually.

Yeah, literally slide into, uh, Astrid's DMs. I know, I'm like, listen, next time if Matthew can't come, you should just be my plus one. Because we get plus ones on the trip.

I love it.

My best friend, she's my plus one. Um, but what about you? Life updates. How are you? What have you been up to?

Yeah, so I have been home these past couple weeks, and I had the most restful week this past weekend. We did everything like staying home and watching movies, and we made margaritas at home and made food at home and Just like very low-key things that just filled my heart up and honestly just helped regulate my nervous system.

Yeah.

And not having to deal with stress of packing or airport or all of that stuff, because last weekend was my first one home and I just still felt exhausted and almost like I was trying to catch my breath.

Yeah.

So this was my first one more settled in. Um, yeah, I've just been trying to catch up with life. It's just like paying certain bills and Like going through my mail that I haven't really gone through, fixing a leak that I had. If you've been listening to the podcast, you know that I had a leak in my house that happened with my kitchen sink. And so I was literally doing my dishes in the freaking bathroom, which is not the vibe, and killed my nighttime skincare routine just to not feel the same.

Yeah.

When I'm staring at my dishes drying right there.

This is homeownership. This is adulthood.

Absolutely. So that all got fixed. And yeah, just gearing up for April is going to be actually a very busy work month, which I'm super grateful for. Trying to crank out a lot of work and shoots and everything before leaving to Europe. So just in a big organization moment right now in my life.

We love to see it. It sounds like you're nesting. You're like nestling in. You're like wanting to be homebound and grounded.

Yes. I'm going on a trip next week already, but it's okay.

When's your next trip?

Where are you going? So it came up out of nowhere, but it's towards Rosemary Beach. Nick's family is taking an Easter trip, and so his aunt just invited us to come along. And his cousin, it's like his last senior year trip and all that good stuff. They're all high school ages. So yeah, he has some days off from work and he's like, hey, you want to come with and leave Thursday, come back Tuesday? So, um, yeah, it's more of a spontaneous trip together, which I'm super excited for.

Oh, fun. And you love like the 38 Rosemary area, so you're also like, this is why you're self-employed, baby.

Yes. I was like, as long as I can work on the road and he's He always just drives and I'm very much a passenger princess. Unless he's literally falling asleep, he will not let me drive. I can work on the way there.

What do you think our men are telling us? Are they saying like, you're not actually a good driver? Like, what is it? Because Matthew's the same way. And I, I do like passenger princessing, but I also like knowing that, like, I want him to know that I can, like, handle it and like I can drive long distances too.

Yeah, tell me I'm the best driver you've ever met and don't let me drive.

Exactly.

But am I asking for too much?

But to not let me drive and not give me the validation that I am a good driver, that's sus. That's a little sus to me.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? You just unlocked a new fear. You just unlocked a fight for tonight. What are you saying?

Am I not a good driver? Actually, I think I'm a very good driver, but that's just me.

I, I would very much agree. I will validate you.

I think you're a really good driver. You really are. And I I've been in the car with you and I will validate you. I'm like, I just want to let you know you're a great driver. Do you remember this? Yes.

Which means a lot because you're very safety conscious and you would not tell me that if you're like, my girl needs some help. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Well, I'm glad you're going to Florida. That sounds like so much fun. And, um, I hope that you just get to like relax and be at the beach, do some work, but just like, this is what life is all about. You know, just being able to do spontaneous things with your people and just like make work fit around it, which is nice, you know?

Absolutely. And that's, that's the vibe the whole weekend. There's really no plans besides they just have a beach house rented that's right on, on the beach and literally just go to the beach the entire day, which I love the low-key plan.

So say less. Um, I'm trying to make that come back though, that phrase, say less. I feel like I've been saying it a lot lately and I'm like, you know what? We're bringing it back. I feel like that's very 2020, but say less.

Really? Okay. I never knew it went out because I feel like I still say it. Oops.

It's fine.

It's a millennial thing. It's okay.

Um, well, I love the life updates. Let's dig into, you know, big, meaty, beefy, vulnerable things that we're in between right now. Um, I'm really excited about this topic because I think that there's always so much going on in the background of someone's life, regardless of what they portray online or even in person. There's so many different decisions or feelings or dichotomies of being in between one place of where you are and where you want to be, or just big question marks in your life.

Mm-hmm.

And you're like, I feel like I need to make a decision on this, something that's weighing on you, something that surfaces time and time and again. And so then it becomes an in-between because it's so top of mind. You're like, okay, I've been thinking about this for so long. I feel like I need to come to some sort of decision on it. So mine are kind of a variation of those, and I'm really excited to listen and receive your in-betweens and then share, um, what I'm in between. So do you want to go first?

I would love to go first. Yeah, I am genuinely so excited for this also because sometimes when we do our in-betweens, I bring a very real in-between that I'm currently experiencing, but some of these that we're going to talk about today just require a little bit more time and Our in-betweens are usually right before we're going to jump into a whole episode. So yeah, I'm excited to take up the space that—

Take up space, baby.

Topics deserve.

Take up all the space.

So the first one for me is actually a fresh one that I've been experiencing the past week or so, and I'm going through a bit of a career identity crisis. Um, if you're new around here, I am currently a photographer, um, specifically a wedding and lifestyle photographer, and I have a team and we focus a lot on like weddings and couples. And then I've been doing more branding side of things. But prior to that, I was very much a corporate girly and I was in marketing since I was 18 years old. So it's been almost going on 12 years of being in like the marketing area and then using it in my business. And I quit in 2021. So I was in it for a pretty long time. And so right now there's been some shifts in the photography market that have caused a little bit of instability and it just hasn't been the same level of inquiries and bookings as they used to be, which can be a good thing. Like you just need to learn to pivot with it. But I think what I'm navigating right now is long-term, or I guess even right now, what is it that I'm actually even good at? I feel like there's just so much competition or perhaps just many ways to approach things. Last year I leaned more into the mentorship and doing a lot more of brand identities and marketing identities, which I've been doing since I pretty much since I had my corporate job just for people that reach out. So all those clients that I've had have just been direct people reaching out, and I wanted to start marketing that more this year because I felt so passionate about it. I came alive when I was coaching these clients. It was the best. And I also feel like this might be a little controversial or like hot take. I guess the mentorship side of things in the photography world has just been. So overtaken. Like, everyone's a mentor. And so it kind of pushed me back into my, my little cage because I don't know what unique offers I have. And so it's just been this really interesting space to say, reevaluate. Am I in the correct, like, correct field? Did I make a mistake by leaving corporate? I very much miss the strategy, like marketing, that side of things, like seeing the progress happen so often, um, as well as Like a bit of a crisis of what am I even good at, right? Like, okay, I'm, I, I know I'm a good photographer, but like, I don't feel like I'm the best photographer. So like, what does it take to get there? And like, will I ever get there? And so there's just a lot of, um, complexities to that layer along with like the real financial side of being an entrepreneur where like I had a meeting with my accountant last week and Alone in just transaction fees, $7K. $7K just from people paying their packages that I never saw. And it just was credit card transaction fees and all the money that goes into taxes and all the expenses of running a business and all those things where I'm like, okay, was it worth it? Or is it the best thing for me and my future? To my family. And so the last thing I'll say about that is it feels really hard because it feels like I sacrificed a lot of my 20s where a lot of people were hanging out with friends and going out a lot and experiencing things. And that's exactly what you should be doing in your early 20s. But I was working 2 jobs and going to school and just put my head down. I'm like, it'll pay off later. And Now I'm wondering, and it feels like I'm at the same spot where people that didn't start their careers until after college, if that makes sense. And so I'm like, well, was that sacrifice even worth it? So just a lot of in-betweens, a lot of talent side of things of like, what am I even good at? What should I continue? Then the financial part of being an entrepreneur. And then honestly, a bit of FOMO. Like, am I really in the right career for me? Is there something that I'm missing the mark on? Did I choose the right lane? And so, yeah, that's my career dump on my vulnerability side of things.

Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy to be honest about how you're really feeling because especially as a business owner, You want to just have it all buttoned up. You want to just be like, everything's great. Everything's great. And there are so many amazing things happening in your business and there's also these very real feelings too. So I appreciate you just bringing that to the table. I think it just says so much about the way that you're respecting and honoring yourself through this thought process. Because that's really what's happening is you're just having thoughts bubble up to the surface. And then you get to choose what behavior or action you want to take. And all those thoughts are not truth too. So just because you're thinking them doesn't mean they're factual in any way. But we can look for evidence, right? We can look for evidence that like that thought, yeah, that's true. So like the thoughts around the sacrifices from your youth to now, the loving mentorship last year, but now there's It feels like it's saturated. And so now it's like that push-pull. I wonder how much of this, hear me out, is because you're getting older.

Yeah, I feel that, especially because this year I'm turning 30. So it's like that maturity aspect of like, I care more about the finances. I care more about my career. Not that I didn't before, but Um, just that maturity aspect of like, there's certain things that just don't excite me anymore. There's certain things that I feel like I'm not too old to do, but I'm like, I don't care.

Maybe you're like maturing, maybe you're maturing out of certain things that you used to value. So like certain things where you're like, I don't care about that. And then there's like other layer of maturity where like things feel a little bit more high stakes, like financially in the future and like needing to have this career path mapped out for your family. Like that's a very like mature. But like also a high stakes lens of like, okay, yeah, I'm entering in this new decade. Maybe there's like something around this is your year of 30 where like you feel like you're trying to get your ducks in a row mentally before that. I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. I love that question. I think I definitely need to think on that more because it's such a deep like thought process. And I think being able to honestly journal through that and say, is this what's leading me there? And I also, I am hopeful. Obviously I wasn't there last week, but right now where I'm at with this is I feel hopeful because a lot of times whenever it feels like this doesn't fit me anymore or this doesn't fully fit me anymore, it just means I need to find a way for something to fit. So like, what do I need to add? What do I need to change? What do I want to create? Like, this will just cause more innovation and cause me to make some steps. forward. So in a way, I'm excited for that. But being in that uncomfortable space right now where it's like, well, I don't know, am I even good at anything? You know, it's hard. It's really, really hard.

So, well, I know that you are a big fan of like affirmations. And so maybe there's an aspect of— and if you listen to the podcast, like you have written out like reminders of who you are. I wonder around, like, I'm coming back to this language of, I don't know what I'm good at anymore. Like, what am I even good at? Maybe there's a version of your affirmations that actually is like things that you've accomplished to remind yourself of your skill. Because that seems like that's the question mark right now. Like, where are my skills? And so maybe like putting down on paper hard metrics, like I was able to work with X amount of clients and earn X amount of dollars. Like I was able to secure X amount of inquiries and bookings in these countries I've always wanted to shoot in. Those kinds of reminders that, again, coming back to facts, maybe that would also help in this time where you're kind of like, what am I even good at? What have I even done?

Yes.

It's such a real feeling.

I love that you brought that up because actually this weekend, that was an exercise that Nick had me do, my partner. And he loves Nick.

We love Nick.

We love him. He's like, we literally just came back from a month of traveling. He's like, You brought me along. You took your mom on a trip that's been on your bucket list forever. You're traveling the world. You're going to summer in Europe. You could never do that if you were at a full-time job right now. And so he made me step out of the money aspect of things. And so if you're listening to this and you relate, something that I discovered and I had to ask myself on Friday was, if I were to add $50K to my personal account and $50K to my business account, Would I still feel this career crisis? Yes or no? And so where that kind of brought me to was how much value I'm placing on income, because ultimately we do set some goals based on income and our lives, you know, money, you got to pay for stuff.

Yeah.

And I think when you extract the money factor of things and you're able to say, I would do this whether the money was there or not, Or I would do this if my income stayed the same for next year because it's bringing me other values to my life, like travel, time flexibility. Like I feel so much healthier and happier, all these other aspects. And that's something that I'm working on. Thank you so much for bringing it up because it's like, I really do need to write it down and look at it every single day, especially in this season, and redefine success. That's the other takeaway I had this weekend. Pondering through all of this is I really need to work on redefining success and that thing that I tell everybody else to do. But right now it seemed like I got lost a little bit in translation and I was defining success by income. And when it no longer was where I wanted it to be, or my savings were exactly where I wanted it to be, I was suddenly unsuccessful, not talented, not good enough. And that's not a healthy space to be. So if you're listening, there's my tips in the middle of all the craziness. So thank you for bringing that up. But of course, now shifting over to you, babe. Okay.

Um, in the same vein, since you're talking about career, I'll talk about career as well. So I feel like there has been this consistent feeling my entire life of wanting something of my own and wanting to create something that's really meaningful to people and wanting to be an entrepreneur, like being that creator self. And I have witnessed myself step into that version of me in so many different projects and seasons and moments in my life. And I am currently in between. I'm going to use the word recommitting because that's not— that sounds like I wasn't committed, but I feel like I'm doubling down. That's better language. I feel like I'm in a season where I'm doubling down on my career in tech. And I am looking, and I'm going to use your language, like you were trying to find a place for this, like, what fits right now for you. For like my coach, creator, podcaster self, she still very much fits into my life. But I think mentally and creatively, I'm in this like, I'm feeling very organically pulled to shift like, I guess the weight of my success and the weight of What does creator entrepreneurial Alexis look like? And I'm really pouring a lot of that energy into my role at Circle. And I have as well. I think it's more so I've always been coaching and creating content and doing stuff on the side consistently for years now. And I just, I want that to still exist. I am grappling with the inevitable choice of like who I need to be right now in order to execute at the level I want to execute in my day job.

Mm-hmm.

I need to give myself freedom and permission and space to step into who I need to be there. And that means like I know this, I've never said this before, but I don't think I want to take on any more coaching clients right now. Like, I have 4 amazing women that I help. Last month it was 8. And so several people like offboarded very organically and it brought me to this point, Astrid. I was like, wait, what's like naturally happening in my side hustle, my side business? Now I have to make a decision. Do I want to— open things up, take on more clients, fill up the calendar? Or do I just want to rest in this part of my life so that I can shift that growth grind and fully put that into my day job?

Mm-hmm.

And it feels really good. I haven't been able to articulate it before, but I'm just so invigorated by the projects and where I'm growing. And I wrestle with like, what does that say about me? I don't know, because this like definition of like, you know, we're an entrepreneur and we're always going to like have something of our own. For me to not be setting goals, like for me to not be trying to grow that in any way and just let it like coast, if you will, that feels weird to me. So I'm working on that, but overall it's like a good in-between. It's like a—

Yeah.

It's one that feels like I'm on the other side of a very organic mental decision of like my energy was going out to like all the things. And I feel like I'm like honing in my energy and still letting these things exist and be excited about them. But I'm just not going to like measure my success on some of these projects. Whereas like, I want that to be focused in on work right now. Does that make sense?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I love this for you because I know that has been something that you've thought of through for a really long time and how much you love your day job and the timing of everything with like your promotion, these clients offboarding as well. The retreat or the retreat where you come up with new ideas and everything, it's almost like an invitation as well to redefine.

Yes.

What does success look like right now? Was for me, maybe for you it's what does entrepreneurship look like for now? It doesn't perhaps look like taking on 8, 12, whatever many clients of coaching, Entrepreneurship looks like pushing the bounds of creativity in your day job with the status quo.

Mm-hmm.

Because it's so hard in the corporate world, especially in an innovative world that you're in, to go beyond your duties, go beyond the managerial tasks. Like a lot of talented people can manage a team, can manage day-to-day tasks, respond to emails, come up manage a project, but to challenge yourself with what new things can we bring to the table? How can we bring this to a whole new level? How can we disrupt the industry? What trends do we see in the industry requires so much of that bandwidth of creativity. And that is the entrepreneur in you that is coming to life and being like, oh, this is where I can bring in my skillset. I create things. I am an entrepreneur. This is where I come in. And that's so beautiful that you're experiencing that and that you're experiencing that mental shift. And just even as you were sharing it, that I can see how much weight has lifted off your shoulders from making that switch while also having the in-between of almost like a grieving process because your entrepreneurial Um, journey looks different, and that's perfectly fine. And I think like that's so hard for us to say, what if it doesn't look like the box we've created for ourselves? And what if it can be a different shape and that will still be just as beautiful?

Yeah, no, thank you so much for validating me. That, that feels really good. You especially, you like speaking it back to me as well. Like you just articulated so much of how I've been feeling and I think a big word as you were talking that kept coming up to the surface was surrender.

Mm-hmm.

Like, just surrendering to the process, surrendering to my life, whatever the career path looks like. This is what it looks like right now. In 8 months, it might look different. In 5 years, it might look different. In 20 years, it's going to look different. How I feel at any given time is open to shifting and energy will change. And I think it's just like, this is where I'm and going back to like one of my goals for this year was to have more fun and to not have everything feel so strategic and boxed in. And I really do feel like this leans into that for me, where I'm like, this is where we're being led. Let's just like surrender to the process, let it flow, and obviously be mindful of all of that as well. We're not just like you know willy-nilly going with with the wind. Like I want to be very intentional. And at the same time, this feels really organic. So I'm going to lean in and put my creative brainpower where I feel most called right now. And that feels really good.

Girl, I'm excited. I cannot wait to see. We should do another episode at the end of the year where we can see, okay, this was what we were honestly talking about, what we were struggling with or navigating. What does that look like 9 months from now? And I am excited for you and that energy that you're going to be able to put in. Thank you. To all your projects.

It's going to be so good.

I'm really excited.

Yeah, I'm keen on doing another one in like 9 months. Where are they now? 9 months later.

Okay, you're next. Oh my gosh. Okay, the next one for me, it's a little bit harder to share online, but That's what it's all about. It's all vulnerability. So for anyone that's new around here, I went through a divorce in 2020, and it was one where unfortunately there was a lot of betrayal, manipulation. It wasn't something that ended just because we outgrew each other. There was a lot of trauma involved with that, as well as addiction and a few other layers to that. And so based off of that traumatic experience, I've been walking a healing journey since, and it's been a lot of therapy, a lot of situations. And I am now in a very healthy relationship, and I'm so grateful for it. And I feel like I continue to heal layers within that relationship. And it is literally so hard at times, not because of him, but because I tend to want to solve things on my own. I want to button everything up and then be like, all right, well, I'm ready to roll now. And I remember my therapist telling me, there's only so much healing you can do by yourself. At some point when you're ready, you're going to have to open up and allow someone to step in and allow someone to help you heal these things. And so I've been navigating that since the start of our relationships, and since the start of our relationship in different layers. Um, but I had a huge breakthrough this past month, and I feel like since the beginning there was just some fear, understandably so, of relationships in general and like mistrusting A significant other. And it's almost like a funnel. It's like, as he shows me with actions that he's not the person that I think people might be, I'm able to narrow down those fears. Like, okay, he is brutally honest with me. And now it used to be 100%. Well, maybe it's an 80%. Are you really that brutally honest? Or we'll see, we'll continue to see. And it's okay. I feel like for my journey, I've had to learn to give myself the grace. Like, it's okay if I can't get there 100% just because they're a great person. For me, I need to see the proof in actions and repeated behavior. And in a way, that was what at one point, whenever I was working on restoring my marriage, that was what the therapist said. Like, that's how you rebuild trust. You do repeated behavior multiple times that you're able to then trust them again. And so in a way, I'm experiencing that now, and that's beautiful. But in the past 4 months or so, the anxiety has just been increasing in certain ways. It would go up and then go back down. It would go up and then go back down. It was just like all these things that I would drive myself crazy, honestly, overthinking all of it. And it kind of came to a big stop after my trips ended in February. It was almost like I finally let myself feel all the things after such a busy season since the fall time. And yeah, and I just realized like, okay, there's this big layer of fear that has been just taking a hold of my mind and my heart and And things that aren't actually even happening, I feel like are there. And so long story short, I just gave myself a night to just explore that. And it was gut-wrenching to feel all those things. And I just felt honestly so broken at that point because it's like I'm still 4 years later experiencing things from something 4 years ago. I was like, when is it ever going to stop?

Yeah.

And there was a lot of things that happened that then I was able to see it and release those fears. And it was, I mean, I'll share it. It was like this crazy experience where my partner knew something was up and he's like, I'm coming over. Like, I'm coming over, you need me. And so he just showed up and he just held me and I sobbed. And I was like, I'm just so scared. And he's like, tell me, what is it that you're scared of? And he's never done this before, but it was exactly what I needed in that moment. And he literally asked me to speak out loud all my fears about our relationship. And he just addressed each one of them with brutal honesty in the most beautiful, loving way. And I just sobbed. Because it's like all my anxiety about this relationship, about loving someone in general, just melted away. And I was like, okay, again, the behavior, the action of someone showing up showed me I actually have someone that shows up and isn't going to run away from the hard things.

Yeah.

And also someone that's going to sit with me in those things and help me navigate that as well. And I can't explain to you how much weight had lifted from me in that moment. And now I remember telling myself, like, I just need to remember the next time that something like this happens, that this is a layer. And basically I'm sobered up now from my fear. Like, this is how— what I actually feel. This is what I actually think.

Mm-hmm.

And unless something happens that makes me think otherwise, This feels so peaceful, so grounded, exactly where I need to be. And so, yeah, so I guess like my honest, um, point of this, or like the in-between, is sometimes we experience things in our life that are very deeply traumatic. And while we move on and we heal and we continue to heal, that healing does look messy. Like when somebody says, oh, I'm still healing, but here I am, blah blah blah, and all those things, like, and they don't describe what that looks like. I just, I just dumped it out for you of like what a glimpse of that could look like.

Yeah.

And that also doesn't mean that you're broken or that your life is thrown away or that they've just scarred you forever. Like, you can move forward. You just have to let yourself feel and let yourself be human. And I ended up having a therapy session shortly after with a nervous coach or nervous system coach. And long story short, she just talked to me about— she's like, you have so much— you put so much guilt and shame on yourself for this very natural thing that is normal for you to have after such a life-altering scenario.

Mm-hmm.

And so, yeah, so that is where I am currently in between, is like giving myself the grace to heal. And also, I think I've finally gotten to the point where I 1,000% trust my partner and know I'm with the right person, and I can just like fully be without a guard up. And that just feels amazing. And I know there'll be another layer of healing, but just knowing I don't have to to protect myself from someone else just feels so peaceful. And it took a year and a half or almost 2 years of being with him to let that happen, and a lot of work, but I'm grateful for it. So anyways, my love note to him.

I'm going to cry. That is so beautiful. So many things I want to say and respond to, but I think his ability to know you so intuitively and to know that something was wrong and to show up and then to have that verbal moment where he's like, walk me through it. And like, he gave you that space to really speak through all your fears. And then he was able to talk through that with you, not in a defensive way, but like a let's just communicate through every single one of these. And like, I'm That probably gave him so much clarity as well of like what you were holding for so long, of like the fear inside the relationship, just probably opened up. He's always been compassionate and empathetic, but I think that probably just deepened of like how much fear you had. And like you gave him the ability to hold that and like for him to be able to meet you in that place is genuinely so beautiful. And it's really beautiful. Amazing to hear you say that, you know, your trust is 100% and your guard has been lowered. Like that self-preservation, that self-protection mode, that you don't feel like you have to carry the weight of that wall that you put in front of your relationship. Like, that is so beautiful. And I'm so proud of both of you for the way that you showed up in that moment to like Really just like move, move forward does not give that experience justice. But like, you took a really big step in your relationship together, like in healing together. And I, I love what your therapist said, that you can only heal so much on your own. That like just hit me in the gut with other things that I'm experiencing in life. And I'm like, okay. So thank you so much for sharing. That was just like, that was Unbelievable. I'm so happy that you're, you know, not— I don't know if happy is the right word, but like, I am, I'm really proud of the commitment that you have put into this process so that you can feel happy and so that you can feel this level of comfort and peace with another human being, knowing that they have your back. Like, I just, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you, love. Thank you so, so much. Yeah, it's not easy, but I think that sometimes carrying those things is just way heavier than feeling the pain of it and then letting it go and knowing that and trusting that no matter what happens, you've got your own back and you can always move forward and no feeling will be too scary that you can't move through or move forward in.

Right.

And I think that's That's probably like my biggest encouragement is just sometimes we're so protective that we don't let others in. And even if they were to fail us, you still got your back. And that's so important. And so, yeah, we're learning, we're healing. I'm very, very grateful that I was able to— my next relationship was a healthy one because I don't know, if it wouldn't have been, I probably wouldn't date for the rest of my life. I mean, like, way, way too much healing that needed to happen. But, um, oh yeah, I, I am grateful. So what are you— what's your next in between?

Um, okay, another vulnerable one. Motherhood. Having children. Also a— I think sometimes a hard thing to talk about on the internet. And I just, I want to bring this topic up with like so much love and respect for, you know, no matter where you are in your journey with fertility, motherhood, like, I'm genuinely just speaking from my perspective. I know this is something I've brought to the pod before, but I think it's been a while. I think it's been like maybe, I don't know, a year, 8 to 12 months since I've talked about this publicly. And I have really gone back and forth on whether or not I want to be a mom. Um, and it's interesting, I was doing some like research on past notes. I like take all of my notes in like the Apple Notes app. I was doing some research on something else and an old caption I had written up, I, or an old, um, notes that I had taken on something else 5 years ago came up and it was like, these are all the places I want to travel to before I have kids. And that was something that was very top of mind, like things I wanted to achieve before I had kids. And how much that just didn't resonate with me now where I'm like, I thought that there would be all these things I needed to accomplish before having kids. I needed my career to be a certain way. I needed to be making a certain amount of money. I needed to have a certain amount of success on my own in order to have kids for me to feel That me on my own was complete enough to then feel like opening up that big chunk of my life to then serve and take care of and love and nurture a child. Because I feel like so much of my ambition has been my child in a way.

Mm-hmm.

Not comparing the two, but like that's been what I've nurtured. And then to shift that to a living, breathing child that needs so much love and care, and also wanting me to feel a level of healing from things in my past that I'm so mindful I don't want to carry on to a child. So I think there's all these expectations of where I wanted to be. And as I inch closer into my 30s, I'm turning 31 in a couple of months, It's like, I don't know where along the way, but I don't care about that anymore. I think I was using that actually as maybe like an excuse or of like, if I could just check this list, then I'll be ready. And it's like a lot of those boxes are checked and I feel so fulfilled in my life. And that's still that, like, it's still a question mark. I don't know if I want to have kids. And Matt and I still talk about it, but it's something that everyone in my life up to this point has been so respectful of. And I'm so grateful for that. Like my parents, Matthew's parents, my friends, like everyone's just very respectful of where I am in that. And in a way, then it's never talked about too.

Mm-hmm.

Which is totally fine. Um, 'cause I think it's a scary thing to bring up to me, in their defense. They're like, we're not going to talk to her about that. Um, I'm scared. No, you do not need to be scared of bringing it up to me. But I think it's something that I want to talk about again, and I want to be— I want to start verbally processing my reasoning. And, um, yeah, I just, I feel like I'm more open to a discussion around children. And it's something that Matthew and I, like, again, are not planning on in the next year. Maybe even the next 2 years. But I do think that where I'm at, it is something I need to start thinking about more seriously. And it's not something that just body-wise I want to wait another decade to figure out.

Mm-hmm.

However, I know that's very possible for so many women have had pregnancies in their early 40s. So there's nothing wrong with that in any way. It's just something that I feel very top of mind about lately. And it's crazy because on the weekends we'll have like the best weekend ever. And my thought at the end of the weekend is, gosh, this is going to be so different if we have kids. We'll never have a weekend like this again. Like, it's like this internal scoring thing. And so I think it's really about my mindset around children and more so the sacrifices that you have to make and not the beautiful value that children bring to a family. And so I think that I, I'm in this interesting place mentally where I'm trying to challenge a lot of my inner narrative around having kids. Um, I think that it's actually quite negative, and I think that I skew to like all the things I wouldn't be able to have and do versus like Yeah, I just, I want, I want my decision to be well-rounded, not because I'm scared and not because I can't actually address all the positives of having children. And I don't think that that's fair to me to not do that. So.

Girl, I'm so proud of you. I love you so, so much. And I wish I could give you a massive hug right now because I have witnessed your journey in that in the past few years. And The fact that you are in a space where you're like, okay, let me evaluate everything and then decide what is it that's really best for us and for our family. And no doubt, like, I admire your level of intentionality that comes with this because in past generations, or we've been taught like, all right, you get married, you have kids, you do the next thing. And it's just like an autopilot almost.

Mm-hmm.

But to intentionally be like, do I want this? If you do decide that that is a path for you, you will love that human being with your entire soul, and you'll have the most intentional and beautiful life, and it will be different than you ever pictured it. And if you decide that that's not for you, you'll still have a very intentional, fulfilled, beautiful life where you're like, this is exactly what I wanted it to be.

Yeah.

And so I'm proud of you for that because you are challenging your mindset. You're going about this very huge life decision in such a thoughtful way that impacts our society. If everyone was as intentional with their choices of having children, then I feel like we would have a more healed society in general. People would seek therapy before having kids. People would prepare themselves financially before that. They would do certain things that they're like, okay, I'm ready for this season of life to change.

That's okay.

Yeah. And we don't talk about that enough as women. And you're right. I feel like not even just like with you, but in general, when women choose to, like, they're not going to have kids, we just respect their decisions. Like, okay, we don't talk about it. Like, that's what you want. But I love that you're like, okay, I'm gonna— I want to bring that conversation to the table with people that I feel safe with, and I value their opinion on it and do that thoughtfully as well. Yeah. And I really admire that because It would just be so much easier to go with the next step and then just be like, well, we'll just figure it out. We'll figure it out. And that is just not who you are. And this just has all of your integrity and your values, yours and Matthew's, all over it. And I am just so proud of you, babe. Thank you.

Thank you so much for saying that. I really appreciate it. Opening myself up to the possibilities. And I want to picture myself as a mom. And I want to run that narrative all the way through, and then make my choice instead of like, I know this life very well. I'm living it right now. I know what a childfree life looks like and feels like. But I don't think I've given myself the mental room to romanticize and to fall in love with the idea of motherhood. And I also want that to come out like I'm not forcing that. I've never given myself permission to do that.

Yeah.

Because of just how I've felt in the past, or maybe I felt like I didn't deserve to. Because I've said like, oh, I don't know if I want to have kids. So then I feel like I kind of have to stick in this mindset of not having kids. And giving myself the permission to just like, how about you just walk this all the way out? Give yourself the permission to picture what this life could fully look like if you decided to have children. So thank you for giving me that space because it's a scary topic to bring up in such a public format. But our pod fam, you can hold this space and I appreciate you. So thank you for listening.

Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you for sharing. I know that a lot of our community Navigates just overall that decision. And yeah, permission to change no matter what it is that you're navigating, like permission to change. I love that so, so much. Well, last one. On my last one, I— is a little bit on a lighter note, but I am in between a season of life where I want to continue traveling a lot. And also I get stuck with, I don't feel like I have time to build roots back home and routines and friendships and things with family because whenever I combine my job, which is primarily weekends focused, so even when I am home, I have weekend weddings mixed with shoots for my job mixed with personal trips. I'm gone often. And so specifically this year, it's one of those things where I was looking through a calendar. I'm like, okay, I have 2 free weekends between, or 3 free weekends between now and Europe. And then, hey, let's hang out in August or September. It's only March. And that just feels hard because there's so many people that are top of mind for me that I have wanted to build more of a friendship with or do more double dates or spend more time with family and host my family. And so it's just one of those things where I have guilt a little bit, guilt that I'm gone all the time, but not guilt because of anyone else's expectations, but just—

Yeah.

The duality of I want to be a hostess for all my friends and have them over and my family. And also, this is such a season of life where travel is just a big priority. And so in a way, I think the guilt comes in because there's always been something, like since being in school, of like why I'm so busy to do certain things. And so I think just a little bit of honesty too, of is it really that I'm too busy or have I just like not made some time for these things? And so it's always been like, well, I'm in college now, I'm doing 2 jobs. and going to school, like, when I graduate, it'll be easier. And then I was working full-time in marketing and doing my photography business, and I was like, well, whenever I'm just down to one, it'll be so much easier. Quit my job, and it's like, yeah, now I have way more time. It's just as busy, if not more.

Yeah.

So I think I'm just realizing or coming to the honest acknowledgment that life will always be busy, and I need to just be more intentional about when I plan certain things so that it doesn't just feel like I have to do one or the other. I can do both in a different scaled version of it too. Yeah, so that's where I'm at right now. It just— it feels rough to just be like, yeah, let's hang out in September. Like, that's literally my answer to anyone reaching out for plans, and I hate it. Oh.

That's tough. That's tough. It's like the guilt that you feel because it's not that anybody else is making you feel that way, but it's almost because you know that it's in— there's a disconnect happening between the reality and what you want. And like the only person that's standing in the way is us.

Mm-hmm.

So it's like there's just that guilt between like wanting to be the kind of person that does this. But also does this, and it's like that feeling of wanting both. And how do you make it work? Yeah, that can be really tough. Okay, can I give you a piece of advice?

Yes, let it go.

Yeah, I think that you're in a you're in a season right now, babe. You're just in that season, and I think like the guilt that you feel, like it doesn't. It's tough. It's like, I've heard you talk about it a couple times, like letting go of that guilt and having everybody over once a month. If you want to see me, I'm having like a— I'm gonna make arepas and margaritas and everyone's invited. And I'll— I'm gonna see everybody once a month. Like maybe change the frequency or change the scenario or the environment and change the expectations. But like if the goal is quality time, maybe everybody just gets together once a month. And whoever can make it can make it. And it's like a monthly supper club. I don't know, I'm throwing out ideas here, but I feel like, because like your heart wants to be with your people and it's like maybe it's just because the schedule isn't there. How do you still get to do that in a scaled-back version? I don't know.

Yeah, I love that. I think even sometimes just reducing the expectation of I want to see all these people And just being able to say, okay, I, what are my closest friends? Like maybe it's not a season of creating new friends. It's a season of nourishing the friendships I already have. And that's that. And then balancing it off with rest and things I want to do at home. And like, I literally still have some Christmas decor up. It's freaking almost April. I'm like, I need to get my life together, you know?

No judgment.

All the judgment, all the judgment, babe.

I die.

If you come and knock at my door. It literally says merry on my mat. Well, you could—

merry St. Patrick's Day, you know?

That's right.

Merry Memorial Day. Merry Easter. You can, you can, you can pull that into other holidays.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. It's just the season of life. It's, it's, um, it's not like— I don't want to say it's like hard, but it is like a challenge to try to balance in a way your personal life, your wants, your own adventures with life. So it's also okay if it is hard, you know? Yeah, like, it's okay if it is.

Um, my last one is next steps in my life. Um, where do we want to live? Do we want to stay in Houston? Do we want to move to Nashville? Do we want to stay in the Heights? Do we want to move to a different part of Houston? Do we want to again kind of going back to the last one? Like, do we want to have kids? Where do we want to have kids? What kind of house we need to have to have kids? Like, there's so many different aspects there around the next three to five years that feel very top of mind right now. And again, like it's not necessarily no one's pushing us to make a decision. It's just I work better with a mission in mind. And right now, I feel like we're kind of. We're kind of like nestled into our careers, and we're like, okay, we're in Houston, and like we like it, which is new. You know, in the past like year, I feel like I really worked to like Houston, and I really like it here. So then when Matthew was like, okay, so like let's look at property in Nashville, and I almost have this gut reaction of like, wait, wait, wait, I what? I'm not ready for that, which is so crazy for you to hear me say that because I feel like all I've ever wanted is to move back to Nashville because moving from Nashville to Texas was so emotionally hard for me. So I think I'm just in between honoring where I'm at, not feeling pressured into making a decision, but also allowing— not allowing— Matthew, what do you want? You get to dream too. Like, you know, if you want to move to Nashville, maybe it's not three years, but maybe we can do that in like seven to eight. You know, so it's like just figuring out what those next steps are. It's very exciting. I feel very privileged to have all the different opportunities and options, and you know where we might want to invest next. It's all very exciting, but it is something that does kind of like. weigh on me in a way where I'm like far from family, far from you. Just like, also, I like the idea of being in a smaller city long-term, and I do miss my country roots. Like, I do miss land and acreage. And like, you know, we're in like a tiny little— I'm in a little box in the sky right now, you know. I know that it's only on the second floor, but it's like we're just It's very compact here in the city. And so I'm just trying to figure out what those long-term goals are. Because like Matthew's over here talking about dream homes and I'm like, what?

You want to build?

Like, I just, my head is just like, I don't know. So he and I just getting aligned on that and, and like just making space for those kinds of discussions.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and not feeling like I have to Just stay in this place for forever either. Yeah. Because I think this is very comfortable. And the idea of like switching things up after we like, we've built this awesome, you know, small but mighty community here. We've like got our routines down. We're really happy. And I think it's hard when you're happy to be thinking about doing something that might disrupt that comfortability. So I don't know. We'll figure it out.

Yeah. Well, and it's also, I think a lot of us went through disruption in 2020 in where we lived and schedules and everything. So it's also a layer of emotional attachment as well to the stability that you first— like, you found stability again, and this feels really solid, and this feels emotionally— and my nervous system loves this, right?

Yeah.

But then again, it's like, Yes, you love it and your nervous system loves the stability. That's where Matthew came home and stayed there for a really long time. It was the first year that you guys spent together in years. And so that also weighs into a decision besides the type of home and you love the city and everything. It's community and the emotional stability that it brings is a big part of our livelihood. Like, we want to feel safe every day, and we're wired to want to crave that safety and stability every day. And I love that you have that. And also, I want to challenge you on, is part of wanting to stay in Houston because of you found that stability again there?

Yeah, that's a really great point. I think you're spot on, babe. Like, I think this is actually the first time I've ever felt emotionally stable. That sounds so dramatic. Honestly though, like, am I wrong?

You want an honesty episode?

I think that this is the first time as an adult where I have had that emotional stability. Because like college, I mean, it's not that you're not emotionally stable, but like you're, you don't, you don't even know what's going on, you know? Then moving to Nashville, I moved to Nashville knowing I would move someday to be with Matthew. And then we finally get together and then COVID, and then he gets a job in another country. And like, this is the first almost 2 years that things have felt emotionally stable. And I have felt like my mental health has been the best it's ever been in the last 6, 7 years. I never even thought of that. I think that's why I'm having like a body reaction to like when he's talking about moving or he's talking about like, you know, building a house or something like that. Maybe I like have a very body connection to this home and to where we are right now. So thank you so much for saying that because I, I didn't put that together and I think you're so right. I have some journaling to do.

We both gave each other journaling homework today. But I think that could also play into when is the timing of that, right?

Yeah.

Knowing that if it does come to that realization of it is emotional and this is when I feel the most stable, then that move and switching over perhaps would be best in a time where you're both going to be home long-term and it's settled in to maintain that Stability and like nervous system regulation. We love, we love when our nervous system is regulated.

We love a regular nervous system. No, you're right. That is so, that is so helpful. I appreciate you like seeing that and calling that out. Um, was that everything? Did we just, did we, did we finish? We did it.

We did it. Now, to publish or not to publish?

Share this online or Do we keep this for ourselves? Yeah, we'll sit on it and then we can decide.

It's all good. We love you all. We trust you guys. We've built this safe community where thankfully till this day we've shared some very vulnerable, honest things online and we haven't had any angry DMs or anything like that, but rather quite the contrary, DMs that are people feeling Like, they were seen during the episode and that they are inspired by it. So thank you all for letting us have this space and helping us just be able to be more honest online as well, because that's always very uncomfortable on this long format. Like, we can share stuff and we are vulnerable in our social medias, but this long format where we really deep dive and can be hard. So thank you all for making this such a beautiful space, and I hope that you enjoyed it. And please, if you love this episode, rate it on your podcast listener, but also let us know if this resonated with you at all, if you enjoyed this style of episode, or if you're like, hey girls, that was a bit too much. We also want to hear that, but we would love to hear from you for sure. You can always connect with us on our Instagram @inbetween.pod. Um, you can connect with me @astrojohannaphoto.

Or me @alexistechmiller. Thank you so much for being here. So grateful for you, grateful for the community that we've built, and we will catch you next week.