Reframing Discipline and Mental Toughness

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between.

Hello friends, and welcome back to another episode of The In Between Podcast. I am one of your hosts, Astrid.

And I am the other half of the pod, Alexis.

And today we are chatting all things discipline, specifically our mental discipline. So for the month of June, we are going to be focusing on the different aspects of discipline. And even though it's mid-year, it's also a great time to set your goals. So you You might have set some goals in January and maybe life has just looked very different for you since then. So this is a good time to just pause, reevaluate your goals, reevaluate where you're at, and really see, is this what I want 2023 to look like? Like, you, 6 months from now, what do you want to look back on and say, I'm so glad I did this, I'm so glad that I stopped doing this? So in a sense, we are reevaluating our goals, and that's why we're going to focus on discipline this month.

Yes. We are going to romanticize discipline too, because I don't know if you're like me, but discipline is like a dirty word. It's a cuss word. It's like, ugh, discipline, consistency. Like my mindset around discipline used to just be so negative and I hated the thought of it. And I would kind of tell myself, I'm not a disciplined person. And my lack of discipline became a part of my identity. And I hope that through this month's theme, we can kind of like flip the script and rewire a bit of our own narrative around what discipline can mean for our lives. And it's a tool. It doesn't have to be this disciplinary, like, you're in trouble, or a shameful experience. So we're kicking off this theme talking around the mindset and mental side of discipline. And then in future episodes, we'll talk about discipline when it comes to our physical self, taking care of ourself. Our environment, as well as finances. So it's going to be fun. I'm excited. But before we get into all that, weekend update, how, you know, what's been up with you the last week or two?

Okay. So I went to the beach. And for those of you who don't know, I grew up in Miami. So I come alive whenever I'm able to go to the beach. Like, it is insane. I went with my boyfriend and we were driving in and as soon as we went into the beach, He's like, this is insane, but you just went up 10 notches in happiness just because. He's like, this is such a fun side of you to see.

Wow.

But yeah, I am really realizing how much I— that's my primary environment. As much as I love the mountains and I love other places, the beach is where I feel the most at home. So yeah, we had an incredible vacation of just not doing anything, not having anything on the schedule. The only thing that we had on the schedule was dinners, and we were so excited for those. And I really needed that. I've been able to travel quite a bit this year, but it's all been very active. And this was the first one that was more just relaxation fully. And so, yeah, I love that. So I'm in between that— not in between. That's a life update. In between booking our next beach vacation. We're getting there.

Literally.

But yeah, I did that. And then your girl is in her investing era. So I don't want to share too much on that, but hoping to be diving more into that this coming year. And what else has happened this past week?

Shot a wedding. I gave you— I was like, oh, you're going to share in the pod? No, not yet.

Just high level. And then yeah, I shot a wedding this past Saturday, which Which the last wedding I shot was in March in Miami. And I guess just taking a little bit of a break in between weddings, I forgot how exhausting they are. I had the best day ever and then I spent all of Sunday sleeping. My body was just beat up from it. So yeah, true life of a wedding photographer is 10 out of 10 energy on Saturday and then -10 out of 10 energy on Sunday. Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta recoup. You gotta recoup all that energy that you give out. Um, yes, I can attest, have seen Astrid pre-beach and during beach, and the energy is different. It's like, put me by a body of water with the sand, like in the sun, she's happy. Um, okay, what did I do? Memorial Day weekend, spent some time at the pool with my family. It was so good to be in Illinois. Like, it was good to be home. It was actually quite relaxing. And then this past weekend was like our my only weekend home in June, so I went like hard on that. I was like, "I'm gonna do some social things. We're gonna go to the beach. Like we're gonna like be in Houston." And then we chilled every evening, and it was just so great to just have movie nights and cook in. But I'll tell you one thing: Texas beaches and Florida beaches are very different. Like Texas beaches. You know, hey, it's a beach and I'm grateful for that. And it's only like an hour away. And as a landlocked Midwest girly, I'm amped to even live close to a beach. But the beaches are like, they're not sandy, they're like silty. So meaning that it's like laying on concrete. There's no fluffiness about it. It's very, very hard and very compact. So like the beach that we drove to, we like drove our truck out onto the beach.

That's amazing.

Which is so cool, you know? But in Florida, it would be tough. Some vehicles probably couldn't even make it onto the beach. But there were literally Volkswagen Beetles out on this beach because of how hard the sand is.

That's incredible. If you squint, it's basically Italy with all the rocks.

Yeah, without all the rocks. That was so fun. And we watched some fun movies this past weekend and it was great. Just a great chill. I'm just prepping for the month ahead of travel. And I like really miss in-person social connection and everything I'm doing. I'm going to like 2 different conferences that are business professional related and then 2 family events. So it's like the perfect blend of family and like professional business development. So I'm just like ready for that. I feel like I've, I don't know, a little holed up, been a little hermit-y, like working remote can just be very lonely.

Absolutely. Oh my gosh, I love that you're able to just kind of tap into the different sides of you. I think in our in-betweens and even life updates in this podcast, we both constantly talk about the importance of not balancing, but being aware of when social life is pulling us too much to one side. And then when we're hermiting a little bit too much. And so being aware of like, okay, we're gonna be out and about, you know, the rest of the month, I just want to enjoy my life here, my home. And I'm in the same season. This June I'm home, but the rest of the year I'm gone. So I'm like, okay, I want to do these projects at home. I want to do these things. And it's kind of an ebb and flow when it comes to that.

Yeah, big time. What are you in between right now? Ooh, so many things.

Okay. I am in my dreaming era. Tell us more. I think that— okay, I've alluded to this already, but went to the beach. And then for whatever reason, this past trip, it really hit me how happy just being by the beach makes me. And before, it was more like, okay, I love the mountain and I love the beach and I love this. And when anybody asked me, what's your dream place to live at? I didn't really have a place. But now I do. After this weekend, I was like, I feel so at peace. I feel so creative, but I still feel like I want energy to go and do things. And I realized later in life, Astrid wants to wake up in one of these beach houses and walk down and have that peaceful morning and have my family there. So I am in the era where sometimes we dream about things and we're like, oh, it'd be awesome to have a mountain house or a beach house. And so I was like, you know what? Let me just I'm like, go on Zillow and see how much these houses are. And then you do the math. And I'm like, all right, what would you need for a down payment? And I'm like, all right, so how long would it take me to get to that down payment? And how much do I need to save every month to do that? And so in a weird way, it's like almost normalizing or making it in my mind possible that these dreams aren't so far out of reach. And I guess it goes with today's episode of mindset and discipline. And so now These little purchases that I wanted to make throughout the weekend or go shopping, I didn't do because I kept my eyes on, if I only save this much amount every month or take on extra work every month to save that over time, then I could actually have this place in 10 years or whatever it might be. And so life happens, things change, but I think just making steps toward what you can define as your dream life. So for me, it's that right now, but maybe— For you, it's, I don't know, you want to go to Europe at some point, or you want to take a girls trip, or you want to, I don't know, there's so many different dreams that you can have in life. But whenever we break them down to actionable and simple steps per month, it makes it doable. And now my mind actually believes that I can have that. So I'm in that stage of life.

I love that. Yeah, I love that you are focusing on How do I make this a reality? Like sometimes we can look up the price on Zillow and we're like, oh wow, like I could never do that. Or like I would have to win the lottery or I would have to like change jobs or whatever it is. But it's like, okay, what would the actual down payment need to be? And then breaking that down and how much I need to save monthly. Like it makes it feel more attainable. And sometimes that's the, that's like sometimes the hardest part of taking a dream and turning it into reality. is breaking down all the smaller action steps that actually lead into that larger dream happening. It's never just here to there. It's never just A to B. There's so many steps that come into play between what we want and actually getting the thing. So before we dig into the content of today, what are you in between right now?

What do you mean? Why was I in between?

It sounds like the end of the day.

I'm like, what's your comment?

You're like, I literally just answered your freaking question, Alexis. All right.

To be fair, it did go with my life update.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, what are you in between, Alexis?

I'll answer you, Astrid. Okay. So what am I in between right now? I am, you know, I read this journal prompt online this past weekend and I actually journaled through it this morning and it was very like hit me in the gut. It said, things I keep complaining about that I need to just change. And she had written it on her journal and she just wrote out, she didn't share, but she just wrote out the things that she wanted to change. And her name was Amona Abdullah on Instagram. And I journaled through that this morning. And I think that I, going along with what you said, have a lot of big dreams and sometimes I complain about the middle part.

Yeah.

I'm like, I've even started, I've started working on the dreams, but this middle part feels really frustrating. I feel very overwhelmed. And so I'll complain about it. I'll complain about it to Matt. I'll complain about it mostly internally. I don't feel like I— I mean, maybe I'm totally just in denial, but I don't feel like I complain about it a lot externally. I don't think people in my life really know some of the complaints I have about my journey. But it's filled with like my inner narrative. Like I'm just very, very critical internally. So I'm in between like trying to really master my mindset, which is so great for this topic. Like I'm very much in the middle of this right now and trying to make progress and peace with some of the things that bother me about me, if that makes sense. Like I don't like that I do this. I don't like that I've talked about doing this for a year and haven't actually done it. How do I actually take action on something and make that change? So that's what I'm in between right now, which is great because we're going to talk about that today.

So good. You've inspired me and I'm going to journal through that this week because I think that there's so many areas where we feel that pull, we feel that jealousy at times. That happens to me. I'll feel jealous and that will trigger to like, oh, well, why do I feel jealous? Because I haven't acted on towards my dreams. I want to cheer them on, but the jealousy triggers what I haven't done. And so I think that's such a powerful journal entry that we can really all take a page from that book.

Yeah, big time. So discipline. Before we even dig into Some of the notes that we've prepped. We're prepping notes now. It's getting official.

We're leveling up.

We're leveling up the pod. So what has been your relationship with discipline? Because I feel like we've both established habits and we've both come a long way in our 20s. And it's like, but we didn't start there. Right? So I think it's helpful to Kind of call out where we've been in our journey with discipline as a whole, and even still, what we're still kind of working through now.

Yeah. I think that a lot of my identity was wrapped up in discipline. If I didn't do, if I wasn't leveling, actually acting on the things that I said that I was going to do, then I wasn't enough. And so that was something that I really had to work through in 2020 when I went through my divorce and just my mental health completely And it was this duality of identity of, if I don't do, then I am not enough. But what happens when our mental health is so low that we can't do? And so progress looks so different. Progress looks like getting up out of bed and showering and journaling and doing the little steps one at a time. And so I think for me, my relationship with discipline has shifted a lot through the years. It started very stern and strict with myself, and it was even more so with my kids. Either all or nothing, and then evolved to a lot of grace and just being more present with myself and really learning what do I need. So it's almost like my inner voice was so shut down before because I only focus on the goal. And now I'm in that in-between of like, okay, I have the goals, I have the energy and the mental capacity. And of course there's hard days, there's like mental struggles. And so being able to play on what do I need, what do I need to— what are my life goals that isn't just monetary or within my business? And then also be like, all right, if that's where I want to go, we got to wake up at this time, we got to get through these things. This is the actual plan of how we're going to get there. So very much in that in-between. But yeah, overall, that's That's how I would summarize my journey. How about you?

The opposite of you, which I think is really beautiful. I think it just showcases that everyone's going to have a different relationship with discipline. And it's really beautiful to watch how you have kind of flipped the mindset around doing something doesn't equal I'm worth something. I can just exist on my own. And while you do have dreams and you have an incredible work ethic, if you don't know Astrid personally, she has the best work ethic I have ever witnessed in someone. I'm serious about that. And it's like that work ethic though and the discipline, those are tandem. And then the call out of like, but what if your mental health is low? And what if you're struggling to just take care of yourself? Those are really important call outs.

Yeah.

My relationship with discipline, I just wanted to have fun. Like, I just wanted to have fun in life. And discipline felt like rules and it felt like something that I had to abide by. And I didn't like that because I have an inner rebel and I didn't want anything to stand in the way of me having a good time. So, like that all-or-nothingness, I have all-or-nothingness with like, I'm going to have fun. I'm all into the experience and it's going to be the best. We're going to, you know, do the most. It's, you know, we're going to like blow it out of the water more than we've ever done before. And I think as a result of that, reeling it in or having discipline with like my money or my time or my calendar, like I would say yes to things because I wanted to have fun. And that resulted in me not really living a lifestyle that was very sustainable. So I would say I really didn't discover discipline until 2021. So like 2 years ago in my late 20s. Yeah, it was a journey to get to a place where I was so disconnected from myself that I was like, something has to change. And the only person that's going to give me that freedom to change is if I keep promises to myself. And in pursuit of having a good time, anything that I was like supposed to be doing would just like be shoved off the roster in pursuit of like what I thought would be more fun instead of like doing the work. So does that make sense?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. I think that it's one of those things where we're both on like the opposite side of the spectrums, but we were both learning that journey of like, how do we find healthy discipline and how do we create the life that we want, right? And so in different ways, I was self-sabotaging because I would take on so many things and I didn't create that space for fun and for adventure and all these things. And on the flip side, you were like, fun, fun, fun, which we love.

Yes.

It's so great. But I think the biggest part about this and truly the reason why we're starting with this is if you're listening to this topic and you're like, Discipline. Why are you guys talking about this topic today? Get me out of here. We feel you. And also, discipline doesn't have to be this horrible thing that we run away from. It can be our best friend. It can actually be the thing that brings the freedom to the things that we want. And so that's really what we've both discovered in this journey is that the discipline that we have created has allowed us the freedom to live the life that we want. It's not the opposite of what we thought it would be. And so I'm so excited to continue diving into this, but I think it's just interesting how we can land on very opposite sides of the spectrum, yet still have the same learning or the same lesson within that.

Yeah. Did you have kind of a breaking point with your journey with discipline? Because I do kind of believe, and maybe this is not a universal truth, But I do kind of find that people have some sort of internal crossroads that leads them in a path of more discipline, more habits. That could be either like you're unhappy in your job, you're unhappy in your relationship, you don't like where you live, you're struggling with money management. Something is coming to a head. Was there a specific moment or a specific memory that you have of like, I need to change my relationship with discipline.

Absolutely. Well, I think for me it was, of course, like I mentioned earlier, I was very disciplined and then I went through the divorce in 2020. So I flipped over to the whole other side where I didn't care. I didn't manage anything at all. Discipline went out the window. I was shopping nonstop. It was a little chaotic. And at that point in time, it was actually through therapy that I discovered the thing that hurt me the most was somebody else not taking accountability for their life and their actions and how that could really impact not only them, but also me. And so from that point on, I decided while they chose not to fight for themselves or fight for me, I choose to fight for me. And so I've just kept that big internal promise within myself. And Even when it gets hard, I'm like, okay, Astrid, you're not fighting for you. You're not showing up in the way that you need you to show up. Before any partner, before anybody else, you need to show up for you. And the way that we do that is with self-respect, is with discipline. It's with— because addiction also can look so different. You can have a shopping addiction, you can have substance abuse, you can have a work addiction where you're constantly going and going and going. And it's just a symptom of something is lacking in our lives of discipline. And so that was really the point for me was I can't point fingers if I'm not taking accountability for myself on the thing that somebody else wasn't doing for me. And so just seeing where their lives kind of went—

Yeah.

Just has pushed me every time. And it's just like, I don't want to end up there. And I also, for my future family and kids, I want them to feel loved and chosen. I want them to feel like, man, my mom gets up and she works out and she eats well and she manages money and all this stuff because she's fighting for us to have a better life. And I want them to feel loved too. I think it just came down to the moment I chose self-respect.

Damn, that's big. I think that revelation of how can I expect accountability from someone If like I'm not holding myself accountable. I think that takes an extreme level of awareness and vulnerability. So I love that. Thank you for sharing. For me, it was listening to David Goggins. I listened to his book, Can't Hurt Me, in June, July of 2021. Matthew and I were on a road trip out to Colorado to like our family cabin in the mountains. And we were on the road for like hours and hours from Illinois to Colorado. We listened to the book and it really hit me. His level of honesty and he talked a lot about his journey with mental toughness was really impactful to me. And it was almost like no one in my life could have told me what he told me because I would have ripped them apart.

He's savage.

No, he is savage. No one in my life could have gotten to a point where they were that honest with me. And it's like, that's why we read books and that's why we listen to podcasts and that's why we go in search of personal development because I believe that we need to hear things from people that we don't know because we hear it differently.

Absolutely.

Because whenever we hear things from people that we know, there's so much emotional context wrapped up in what they're saying that we can't really hear them. We can't hear the love, the compassion, the desire for us to, you know, Make different choices. And so listening to his book, it was like everything I needed someone to say to me, and I didn't know him. And so I was really able to hear it in a different way.

Mm-hmm.

And then whenever I got home, I started meal prepping, started moving my body more, started a skincare routine, went through all my clothes. I went through these different sections of my life and was like, I need to change my environment. I need to take care of my physical self. And also my mind was so warped that I just really struggled with consistency because I didn't trust myself. And I also didn't really have a lot of confidence in myself anymore. It had been broken down. And I think that discipline and confidence are actually very yoked to each other. I think whenever we can keep promises to ourself and actually follow through with what we say we're going to do, that's the level of building discipline. And as a result, we're building self-trust and confidence.

Absolutely. So what would you say— because I feel like there's a, there's a moment, or perhaps multiple moments, that we have in life where like something needs to change, or like this is what I need to do, and we're on that high, right? And then comes that low moment where you're like, ugh, I'm sad again, I'm depressed, I just want to lay here on this couch, I'm going to order takeout, and I'm just gonna lay here, and I'm just not gonna choose myself. And that, that was me for a really long time.

Yeah.

And so at what point, or I guess from that high moment, what would you say is what has helped you or what you recommend even to the people that you coach to get you through those low moments in order to build that mindset and consistency?

Well, first I think it comes with just acknowledging, I don't want to do this. I don't feel like doing this. I don't want to do this. I'm not necessarily saying just lie to yourself. Just tell yourself that you want to. We don't need to necessarily live in a state of delusion. But I think what helped me and what I work with some of my clients on is recognizing that we've been here before and that this is now our new baseline. Our baseline is quitting. I know that sounds harsh, but when you get to a point where your discipline and your self-respect and your ability to keep promises to yourself is so low, You have kind of normalized this routine, this habit of quitting. Like, I start and I quit. I start and I quit. And I know that everyone comes with different circumstances and reasons why they quit, and I totally get that. So definitely not trying to offend anyone or be insensitive, but we do internally create this habit of quitting.

Mm-hmm.

And I think what has helped me is like, well, if I quit, I'm just going to continue to be where I am.

Mm-hmm.

And where I am is not where I want to be. So in those moments where I do want to quit and I don't feel like it, I don't feel like getting up and going to the gym or working on my book or showing up, I have to remind myself that we're in pursuit of a better life. And by me quitting now or giving up or saying no today, I believe that it's not really Leading me to my better life. I'm like, well, I know what that looked like because I've actually been there. I've actually been in that low and that hole before, and I didn't like it. So if I continue down that path, I'm just going to end up where I was, and I'm in pursuit of something new. Like I'm on a path of like becoming, and I think that's where like I had to be really harsh with myself. And I think there's a level of discipline that you know it's it's not shame. But it's like, let's get honest. You know? And I think that's like the prickly part of this discussion that's kind of like, eh. Like it gives me like— you know, I felt bad about saying the thing about quitting, but that's the freaking truth.

Absolutely.

But it's hard to like have those conversations with yourself. You know? Not other people, but like internally that's not rooted in judgment or shame or like you're the worst. But like, hey, remember we're choosing not to quit. We've done that before and that's not who we are now. So let's move forward. And I think that's where things can get really real in a beautiful way, but difficult to achieve.

Yeah. Well, and if we can't be honest with ourselves of where we're at with our journey, then how can we expect others to do that for us or for us to show up and be able to communicate that too? And I think that one of the things I have found through my journey with my mindset is honesty. Harsh honesty with yourself is going to lead to that breakthrough because now you've actually identified what it is that's going on, right? If you can't put language to it, you can't solve anything that's just elusive. And perhaps, you know, in, in some of our relationships, those moments where you've said the harsh truth, it stings, it hurts, and it's the biggest breaking point in the relationship because you're like, all right, well, We've got something to work with. How do we move forward? Rather than this elusive, something feels off, but we're just going to pretend everything's fine. And so we do this to ourselves.

We leave it like this mystery. We're like, oh, I just feel really out of alignment. I'm feeling really disconnected. It's like, let's call this what this is. How do we bring this level of awareness forward? How do you know when you're not being honest with yourself?

Oh, I think when I'm avoiding, 100%. Like, if there is heavy feelings and I want to go shopping, I want to plan a trip, I want to go out, out, and I just fill my calendar up with a ton of things, that's usually when I'm not being honest with myself.

Girl, we're the same. We're the same. We have the same, like, coping tactics, avoidance mechanisms.

And TikTok. I will— I think my worst one is When I'm down for the count, I will lay on the couch and scroll and scroll and scroll. And I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes it's been like hours when it's been like bad mental health days. And it's like I keep telling myself just a little bit more, just 5 more, and then I'll like go journal about this, then I'll go and do this thing, and then I just don't. But I've gotten better at being honest with myself with that, at giving myself grace. And also at keeping promises to myself. And so something that you mentioned earlier too was the level of consistency that we can have and how that helps to build trust. So I think whenever we're working on our mindset, something that really helped me in the beginning of my journey was the small things in our lives. For example, cleaning the dishes, or when you say you're going to work till 5:00 PM, work a little bit more than that, or you're going to do 10 reps. Well, now you do 11 instead. Those little acts of going a little bit extra mile in the small task can really help to build that self-discipline, that mental toughness that you need for the bigger moments. And so for me, whenever I was going through the really tough mental side of things in 2020, I would take a lot of hot yoga classes and I caught myself just wanting to quit earlier, just lay there, right? And just like, oh, I'm not strong enough. And as I was walking through all a divorce and walking through very heavy things, my body is just exhausted from fighting, exhausted from having to defend myself. And so I physically, when I worked out, just wanted to lay there. And so I would use that moment. I was like, if I can stand, if I can push through this, Then I can push through in my life. And so I would just hold the plank a little bit longer and just tell myself different things like, I'm strong enough. I'm stronger than I believe. And I just said all these affirmations and it helped me a lot. And so sometimes we can't— it's hard to tackle the big things in our lives, but look at those smaller opportunities in your everyday habits that can help you build that mental toughness and mental clarity for when those moments do arise.

Yeah, I think you highlighted on something that this is not easy. Like pushing through, doing the extra reps, spending a little bit more time, like going above and beyond for yourself is not an easy thing. It's a practice that you build. And like watching Netflix is easy. Scrolling on TikTok is easy. And I think there's an aspect of discipline that's like inviting us into a more intentional effort.

Mm-hmm.

Like, I am going to put intentional effort and energy into my life, and it is going to not necessarily be hard, this scary, hard, heavy thing. Sometimes it is, but it doesn't have to be. But it also doesn't necessarily— it's not easy in the beginning. Starting meal prepping, I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before in my whole life. Starting to lift weights as one of the very few women in the gym in the weight section at that time at the gym I attended in 2021. Like very intimidating. I don't know where to start. So I so I got an app, and I leaned on that app to tell me what to do. And I looked up like meal plan prep cookbooks. And I think that sometimes we expect ourselves to know the answer when we're in pursuit of discipline. I should know what to meal prep. I should know like this workout. I should know how to write a book. I should know how to heal from a traumatic divorce. I should know. How to do these things. And I think like we sometimes give up or avoid or prolong our situation when we can ask for support or we can look for resources or we can like look for things to help our journey. You know what I mean? Like sometimes we like expect ourselves to just get it out the gate. And I think that there are tools that can help us and research that we can do so that we don't have to lean on ourselves to do it all.

Absolutely. And I think too, whenever I think back to those moments where my mindset was at its lowest point, and if there's anyone listening right now that feels that way, just a reminder, there's nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is so many aspects to our mental health and in our discipline that we're just learning. This is just my story. This is Alexis's story. And there's so many other stories around discipline, and it's for you to find your journey too. And so I think that's the beautiful side of things as well when it comes to discipline, is you decide how you're going to show up for yourself day by day. You might have a mountaintop of things that you are like, this all needs to change in my life. Start with one and start building that and start trusting yourself more and start taking that like next step that you'll be able to truly step into the life that you were created to. And I remember hearing this thing that this quote that said, if there's something that you're craving or wanting, there's a reason that was put in your heart and there's a reason that you're wanting that. So if there's a vision and you're like, oh, I want to do this, I want to own this type of real estate, whatever it might be, maybe it's there for a reason. And so I think that just being able to walk ourselves through mental discipline and those habits that we want, we just have to keep our eyes on the overall vision of what we want our life to look like, and also just focus on the one step at a time consistency for our lives.

Yeah, I agree. The one step at a time piece too, I think it's like a level of recognizing that discipline is a journey and that any goal that we are applying discipline to, it's about the process. Like getting up early, let's just say you want to get up early before work and maybe you're not even going to the gym. Maybe you're working on a side project or you're journaling or whatever it is. You want to get ready in the morning, whatever. The act of getting up early isn't always easy, but it does get easier. What has been something that, like a level of discipline that you have applied to your life that wasn't easy at first but got easier over time?

I would say finances, like having a budget and being able to stick to it and think about it long-term. That was really hard at first.

I love that. I am still in the journey there.

I still am too, but I feel like I've come a long way from when I first started for sure. Yeah.

Okay. So it's like no matter what it is, it's always going to be a little bit daunting, a little bit overwhelming at first. How does your inner dialogue or narrative impact your discipline? Because I think this is where some of that internal criticism, this, I don't know, we can get very mean to ourselves when it comes to discipline. So how do we introduce a level of lightheartedness into it? Yeah.

Oh my gosh. I love this question because this to me really changed my relationship with discipline and really changed my mindset. And so I think that before it was such a strict— and most of us take that approach of, okay, I am going to work out every single day. I'm going to get up, I'm going to do this thing. And it doesn't matter if I'm exhausted, it doesn't matter if I'm sick, I'm just going to power through because that's what I'm supposed to do. And there's a level. Oh, you're raw. Yeah. There's a level to that. And there's the other side of balancing things off. And so I think when it comes to your inner dialogue, Personally, what changed my life was every morning— well, let me back up. I identified the areas where I was pretty much bullying myself in, or things that I didn't believe about myself and that were getting in the way of my goals. So for example, for someone it might be, I am not capable of being loved. I, I don't deserve a clean home. I don't deserve good things. I don't deserve my dream job. I don't like These might be things that you actually believe about yourself. And so we tend to sabotage the goals that we have because we have this inner truth that we believe. And so we might believe that we don't deserve love. And so you might meet someone that's really nice and then you're like, oh no, but, you know, like, here's a list and then you leave. Or you might believe that you don't deserve wealth and so you will overspend. Because you're like, well, I don't actually— like, that's actually not for me. So something that has really helped me is identifying those things and then actually writing out what is the truth about that and what is it that I need to hear every day and rewriting the story that my mind is telling me. Because sometimes our thoughts just consume us. And so whenever we can write that down, tell ourselves something different, we quite literally create new neural pathways in our mind. To heal that. And that's actually something that they do in PTSD therapy. And so I did that for quite a few months and still do it every once in a while. But I diligently did it every morning for some time there. And I caught myself whenever I wanted to self-sabotage by not cleaning up my house or doing certain things. And I still struggle with it from time to time, but it was bad back then. I would remind myself of what I said that morning, that I was worthy of a clean home. I deserve a clean home and a clean space and an organized space. And so it hit me again, like, oh, okay. It's almost like a hug to myself. I do deserve that, and I'm going to fight for myself in that. And so I'm going to take the time right now, even though I don't want to get up out of bed, I don't want to get up from this couch, I'm going to show up for myself. And I feel like when we approach discipline and our mentality from that angle of like, who are you? What's your identity? And where do you want your identity to be? And work towards that. It's more motivating and discipline becomes more like a freedom tool rather than something that straps you down. Because then if you're working against your identity, but you don't realize that these lies are under, then there's a lot of inner tension that's happening when you have this core belief about your life. So that to me, the inner dialogue, I think is pretty much like one of the first 2 to 3 steps when it comes to discipline and our mental health.

Mic drop. Like, that's so powerful. Astra just took us through a whole masterclass.

Just my therapy.

Your dialogue. Yeah, I think that what we tell ourselves becomes our truth and it seeps into our behavior. And so when we're ultra critical and we're ripping ourselves to shreds in different categories of our lives, that's going to come out in the way we behave and how we treat ourself and how we show up for ourself. So I think that's really powerful. And inner narrative, it's also, in my opinion, an element of inner narrative is what has been said to you or spoken over you in your life. And so sometimes our inner narrative is not just us. Sometimes it's a culmination of society, the media that we're consuming, or the people in our lives or in our past that have said things to us that we have literally latched on. And it— we like almost hear it daily. Like we almost think it daily or multiple times a day. And so what has been spoken to you or over your life when it comes to discipline? Because I remember as a child, and not really as a child, maybe as a teenager, as a teenager and into college, my brother was always a disciplined one. He was always the one that woke up and he was also an athlete. And, I would not really classify myself as an athlete. So, I do feel like he had a different agenda with his habits because he was an athlete and he was training every day. But, he was a disciplined one and I was the one that just wanted to have fun. And that literally rode itself. And I rode my— I don't want to say this. I kind of made that claim and the differences between my brother and I a part of my identity. And I leaned into it and I lived into it my whole 20s, like almost all of my 20s. And I didn't realize how much I even sometimes attached a negative view of discipline to my brother. Into the relationship that I have with him because I'm like, oh, he's just more disciplined than me, and like he has his life together and I don't. And those were never things that he ever said to me; it was what I like put in the relationship. And so maybe there's someone in your life that has a really interesting or like you know they have a healthy relationship with discipline, and it bothers you and it rubs you the wrong way. Or like for someone that doesn't drink, there's someone that comes to mind from my past. That never drank. And that was a level of discipline that he carried out for a very, very long time. And it bothered people around him. And you could tell that it bothered people because they were drinking and he wasn't. And that was a level of discipline, right? And I think that we need to allow people's relationship with discipline to be their relationship, and we need to form our own relationship with discipline that's not rooted in, you know, words or relationships from our past. So I do feel like that's a big one here that really played a role into me. How has that affected you? Some of the narrative that you've spoken into your life and how that's impacted your relationship with discipline?

Girl, that's so powerful. I feel like there is so many layers to our inner dialogue. And sometimes we can identify those things that we believe about ourselves, but then taking that extra step to then be like, Well, where did that come from? Is that something that somebody told me? Is that something that I adopted? And if I did, where did I adopt that from? And it's just these layers of getting to know ourselves and healing that as well. And now that you asked me this, I don't think I realized this about myself, but my relationship with discipline has always been, if you're not disciplined, then you're ungrateful. And I literally, like, as soon as you asked me that, the word ungrateful popped up and I'm having like a— you're taking me to therapy. But I, yeah, I think that being a daughter of immigrants, being someone that has— we come to the States and it's like you have opportunity and you better like use it, right? So it's not— and then this narrative of like, oh, there's If you're lazy, then you're taking for granted what it was that your parents did for you. Or we don't want to be like them. You want to be grateful and be disciplined. Or if you have money, at one point we didn't. So you need to steward it really well because it's a privilege. Everything is a privilege. And so I love that in a healthy mindset, but I think it could easily go towards where I was at of Discipline means that you are stewarding the things in your life well, and because you're grateful for them. And if you aren't disciplined, then you are being ungrateful because you're not using your money well. Health is a privilege, so it's like you're not working out. I also, I lost my dad. He was 53 when he passed away and he had a heart attack. And so I've shared this on other podcast episodes before, but I had a relationship with my body for a long time and still to this day where I want to eat really well and take care of my body because I don't want that to happen to my kids. And it's a constant healing process of just separating the 2 different lives. But in a sense, it's like, okay, that lack of discipline is lack of being ungrateful for the body that you do have and the life that you do have. Because if you did appreciate it, then you would take care of it, right? And that's just these weird narratives that we come up with in our lives that I've had to navigate. And we all navigate in different ways. But yeah, I didn't realize that that was my relationship with it until now. So catch me journaling a lot tomorrow morning. I can't wait.

I can't wait. I mean, yeah, I think that's something like we're always processing our inner narrative and connecting dots. And I do believe that so much of where we are in the present moment is connected to our past. And it doesn't mean that we have to live in our past, but I do think drawing connections, like now that's something that you can like almost resolve. You can think through it, you can journal through it, you can process through it. Maybe you can let some of that go now that you've had awareness around it. So I think if you were to, you know, if someone's listening right now and they're like, cool, cool, cool. I love this discussion. And I do want to shift my relationship with discipline, or I want to be kinder to myself in pursuit of a more disciplined life. Where would you start? I know we've kind of mentioned a couple things, but if you were to give someone one thing, what would they do?

Oh, okay. I think that it would almost be like a journal prompt of what is a thing in your life right now that you have been avoiding the most, have like, like, you know, you know that one thing that just keeps popping up that you're like, I've got to work on that, and you're not. So I think starting there, because if you can start with identif— well, A, being honest with yourself. I think a big part of discipline is can you be honest with yourself? And so B, identifying that and actually tackling that little by little. And C, creating a plan for that that's actually feasible. So there's, for example, if you want to work out more, perhaps not telling yourself, I'm going to work out 7 days a week, twice a day. What if you can just promise to yourself you're going to work out twice every week for 1 month and then start there? Because the main thing is to focus on building self-trust and confidence in that area. And so if you create a goal that is not achievable, then you're already going to start cycling through, this is why I'm not capable of this. I can't do this discipline. I am not— all these narratives kind of keep cycling through. So yeah, so that would be my main advice. And then accountability. And actually the last one that I'll say that I think would be the first one is why are you doing it? Like, why do you want that goal? Like, is it— for example, if it is fitness, is it just because you want to look a certain way? Because if so, that's not going to carry you through long term when it comes to your physical discipline. Um, for your finances, like, it can't just be, I want to have $500 by the end of the month. And not that that's a bad goal, but what about perhaps thinking a little bit more long term of I want to feel financially free and not stressed whenever I think about my finances, or I want to leave a legacy for my family. Like all of these whys that's deeper. When those low moments come as you start this journey, it will help you carry through. And I keep listing things. I promise it's the last one.

I asked for one and she's giving us 4.

We love it.

Overachiever.

Um, but yeah, just writing down like one sentence that can really help motivate you during those low times of why you're wanting to work on that and say that to yourself every day. What about you?

Uh, yeah, I think, I honestly think that pretty much covers, covers like the beginning pieces. Um, if I were to take it, let's say, you know, you kind of spoke to someone that might be getting started. I'll speak to someone that might be in the middle, that's in, that's already started their journey with discipline. Maybe you feel like you have a really healthy relationship with it. You have habits and processes and this lifestyle that you've built for yourself that feels really good. And maybe there's another area of your life that you've been avoiding. So discipline in relationships, discipline in consumption, discipline in You know, whatever it is, is there a way that you can transfer the discipline? This is what I'm working on right now. How can I transfer the discipline that I've created in the gym with my nutrition and with my finances with Matthew to my creative disciplines? So I've got this over here. This feels really solid. And I mean, I'm farther now than I've ever been before. And I also, like, there's this other area that I really struggle with and it's like the creation discipline of like putting things out consistently and writing consistently. And that is a discipline as well. And so it's like, how do I apply that? So I think ways that you can do that is to look at the systems that helped you with where you are now. So for me, as Astrid kind of laid out earlier, one of my goals was I was going to meal prep during the week and I was going to move my body 4 times a week for a month. Now, what would the equivalent of that be for, let's say, writing? Because right now I'm in the middle of writing a book. Okay, let's say I'm going to write 4 times a week for 1 hour or 30 minutes, or actually I'm not even going to put a time limit on it. I'm just going to write 4 times a week. That even feels more attainable to me. Okay, great. Then what's my version of like, you know, the meal prepping? Maybe there's some research I can do for the book. Maybe there's some like different productivity, you know, articles I could read or podcasts I could listen to about people that are writing books because then I'm, I'm filling my environment with research and conversations about what I'm trying to learn, just like I did whenever I was like, I want to learn more about nutrition. I deep dove into that. Same can go for my creative disciplines I'm trying to build. So, I think that sometimes we can silo our discipline and like, this area of my life is right and tight and this area of my life feels messy and hard and uncomfortable. I get that. I'm definitely in that right now and I'm trying to transfer a lot of those tools over to this area of my life. So, I hope That helps.

Yeah, that's so great. And just being able to remind yourself of, I did this in that area and I am capable of doing it in this area as well, is so, so beautiful. One thing that came up, um, as you were talking as well is the— like, we can set these goals. Say you're going to work out 2 times a week for a whole month and say you couldn't do that a certain week. So being able to evaluate, why couldn't I do it? Was it I was sick? Was it my schedule got too crazy? Was it I didn't plan enough for it? So sometimes we can set a goal, try to have the discipline, and something happens that we fall short of, and then we just let it go completely. And then maybe a few months later on, we're like, okay, I'm going to try again. And what if in those moments where we fall down, we can use it to learn more about our habits, to learn more about what works for us and we adjust. So it's an experiment. We're learning how— what works best for us. I have learned, for example, sometimes depending on my work schedule, meal prepping works and other times it doesn't. And so I have to think more outside the box or think about, okay, if I'm eating out, let me research some healthier options for fast food that I will have to pick up because I am 4 hours away from home. And so I think being able to observe your habits and adjust rather than just completely like it's all or nothing and I failed and I'm out and then I'll catch you later in 3 months.

Yeah, I love that. I mean, that's a great call out. And I think maybe that's even a discipline in and of itself is giving yourself space to fail, giving yourself space to not hit that goal, to not show up, to not make a promise. That is a part of this process because you are learning this new part of yourself. Like, you can access your most disciplined, trusting, confident self. It is within you to access that. But learning how to access that and unlock those parts of yourself, just like a maze, you're gonna go down a dead end.

Yeah.

And then you'll have to kind of come back to center and try a different path. And I think it's really important what you said, like evaluate why. Oh well, this was actually really triggering, or I was on my period, and like you know whatever the things are. Okay well, we know that on weeks that we're on our period, we're not going to go to the gym. We're going to go for walks. Doesn't mean we still can't move our bodies because walks are good for cramps. You know, so things like that where we can shift our goals based on oh I'm going to be traveling. Okay well how can I? shift some of my goals while I'm away? I love this conversation. You can tell that we're both very passionate about it.

We're like, do this and this and then this and this, part 3, 4, 5, 6.

We love it. Thank you so much for listening. I'm really excited about this theme this month. We were kind of like, where do we want to take this, um, theme for the month of June. And I, I am really excited about this topic around discipline.

Me too. And if you've enjoyed today's chat or also have any questions, we're going to be chatting discipline all month long. Please slide into the DMs on Instagram. Um, our Instagram is inbetween.pod, and mine is @astrojohannaphoto, and mine is @alexistechmiller.

Thank you so much for being here. We're So excited about the community that we're building. We're coming up on our one year, which is crazy. We're coming up on one year of the pod, which is just nuts to me. And I'm really thankful to be doing it with you, babe. And yeah, we'll see you next week.