Self Sabotaging Tendencies

Welcome to The In Between Podcast. I'm Astrid.

And I'm Alexis. And we're 2 best friends on a journey to living a fun, intentional life.

We know it's easier to share on a season of life once it's behind you, but what about when you're in the middle of the growth, confusion, and decision-making?

This lifestyle podcast is for the everyday gal who loves to travel, talk about business, relationships, fashion, and everything in between. Welcome back to another Welcome back to another episode of The InBetween Pod. I am one half of the pod, Alexis.

And I am the other half, Astrid.

And we're really one. It's Friday morning whenever we're recording this, and there's nothing like— there's nothing like Fridays, you know?

I love it. Fridays with your girl, you know?

I know. Fridays, especially Friday mornings, they're just like— they're so full of possibility. Like, what's my weekend gonna be?

And it's a long weekend.

I know. I'm so excited about it.

I love it.

About a long weekend. I kicked off my No Spend November. So if anyone wants to join me in that and just literally just spend 30 seconds on what No Spend November— or it's November. No Spend September.

Honestly, you should do it again in November. That goes really well.

I was honestly thinking about doing another one in November, but a no spend month is just picking a category that you struggle with in terms of spending, overspending. emotional spending, and taking the month to really focus on building discipline around that category. So sometimes when you hear like, oh, it's a no-spend month, that means, oh, I'm not going to spend any money, which that is very, very difficult to achieve.

I will not eat.

Yeah, I will not pay my mortgage this month. It is not that. So for me, I'm focusing on not spending money on clothes, online shopping, shoes, accessories, makeup, and Undetermined home decor. So I actually have like a category that Matt and I talked about. Okay, what will we spend money on this month when it comes to home decor? Because we just moved. Like, we literally don't have bedside tables. Our lamps are just sitting on the floor in our bedroom.

Moody.

Yeah, we need bedside tables. I want to get a bookshelf for my office because that will really help things kind of come together. So there are a few things I'm like, I will spend money on these things, but all this other miscellaneous stuff that gets me with ads And like, oh, you know what? I'm feeling any kind of heightened emotion. Let me go shop. Like, I'm feeling excited. Online shopping. I'm feeling sad. Online shopping. I'm feeling lonely.

Oh, let's go to HomeGoods.

You know, it's like, no, we are not solving all of our problems or even our celebrations by always spending money.

Yes.

So if you want to join me, you want to join me, just hop over to my Instagram @AlexisTeichmiller. And I have put together like a An email newsletter. I have like 30 people that have opted in to say like they're joining me in the no spend month in some area of their life. And I'll just be sending out like random memes and encouragement. Like just sharing what it's been like. And this weekend is Labor Day weekend and I'm already getting the texts. Princess Polly, like 80% off. Nasty Gal, 90% off.

99% off for them.

Geez.

Oh my God.

I was like, you guys are always having a sale. Anyways, by the time you're listening to this, it's not too late if you want to join in. Um, would love to have you. And so that's, that's what I've been working on. It's been really fun to just like, I'm, I'm not a financial advisor. Okay. But everyone struggles with, you know, money and spending and things like that. And so it's kind of fun to like have a little community around what we're trying to change our spending habits.

Yeah. And I think you mentioned something really powerful, which is the emotional spending part of it. It's like, dang, whenever you can recognize that part of it where it's like, oh my gosh, I've had a really hard day, I'm gonna do this, or wow, I conquered that, let me do this. It's like, why is it always tied around it? And as we jump into our episode 2 today on self-sabotaging tendencies, maybe you'll find at the end of the episode that maybe one way that you, um, self-sabotage is financially. Maybe— oh, girl, not you like in general, like listeners, you know.

But then you might—

I'm not pointing You, Alexis. No, no. I just meant in general people. Then that might be a good opportunity to then jump into the challenge and be like, okay, this is one step forward, one step away from self sabotaging financially. So yeah, today's episode is going to be incredible. Also, thank you to everyone that voted on our. poll. Basically, we just have a list of podcast topics and we love all of them. And I was like, let's just ask and see what people want. And it was really interesting because they were all voted pretty close together and this was just winning by a tiny, tiny bit. So we'll definitely tackle all those other ones that you saw on there. Um, but yeah, nothing like talking about self-sabotage on a Friday morning.

Let's do it. Well, before we do, we gotta do our thing. Let's talk about what you're in between right now.

Oh, okay. Well, it's really interesting we're recording this today because I think right now I am in between accepting the new definitions in my life of different things. That sounds— let me narrow this down. I think that there was certain ways that I defined love, certain ways that I defined how friendships should look like, how life should look like. All these shoulds of career, of where I should live, etc. And as like this last half of the year is kind of popping up, it's September 2nd today, and I'm really reevaluating next year. I'm going into it with the mindset of I am a full-time entrepreneur. Like last year, I didn't even— that was not in my radar December of 2021. And so I'm in that point where, and I've shared this before, but I'm really shedding some old habits and mindsets, and that's been really hard and really growing. And then now as I look to the future and I'm wrapping up this year, I am dreaming bigger. And as I dream bigger, I find those self-sabotaging tendencies of like, well, why me? Am I really worthy of that? Is that really good? Is it not? Or If new opportunities are coming my way, I kind of want to protect my heart and protect myself and shut away. And I'm like, oh no, no, it's not going to work because of A, B, and C. And I just think of all the ways it won't work to shut that door to protect myself from whatever it might be. And so, yeah, so I am in the middle of thinking big and working all of those emotions out, which can be Um, hard, but I feel like that's really what makes for sustainable growth ultimately.

Yeah, I'm really proud of you that it's like redefining the— well, it's kind of like remapping your brain, right? Like you're remapping, you're redefining, um, all the narratives and pain and trauma and feelings and memories around a certain area of life, and you're trying to rewrite that entire experience. And it's It's like, can sometimes feel daunting because it's like you're essentially ripping a whole section out of your book of life and you're rewriting it with new paper, new pen, new everything. And, um, I'm really proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you. It can be hard too because like as you open those doors, right, like you, you have a dream and then those doubts pop up and then you're like, well, where is that doubt coming from? And then when you find out where that doubt's coming from, then that opens a whole can of worms. And so it's like, oh my gosh, yeah, like my parents are immigrants and they were in such survival mode for such a long time that that brought me into survival mode. And now I have to walk myself out of that survival mode mindset and think, actually, there is a lot more out there for me than being in survival. And so then it's like this whole backtracking to this, okay, well now Let's face this dream and realize I wanted to sabotage it because of where I come from.

Hmm.

And then the heaviness of like, dang, my parents felt like that this entire time. And I'm in a sense grieving that they didn't have where I'm at right now. So anyway, it's like a whole awakening, I guess, but it opens so much. And at the same time, it's a lot of feelings, a lot of ups and downs, but I feel like it's made me enjoy the richness of life and the sacrifices people have made. And just appreciate it a lot more. So yeah. What are you in between?

That's beautiful. Especially having awareness. Like you could even— even hearing you say, I am self-sabotaging this because of this. Like that is so powerful. And I think that's an element of self-sabotage is avoidance. Oh yes. We realize we might even subconsciously realize like I probably am like trying to mess this up. Like I'm trying to self-sabotage this, but like verbally saying I am self-sabotaging and here is why is so important to like shine a light on it. What I'm in between right now, I'm in between quite a bit. Matthew is back in South America, and this is hard. Um, yeah, it's been really hard. I'm trying to redefine like my routine here in Houston. It was just on the road and gone for over a month, like trying to reestablish my rhythms. Um, trying to meet people, like networking. I feel like I'm in between, um, who I was in Nashville, the pause I took to be in Illinois. To now trying to relaunch myself in Texas.

Hmm.

And it's like who I was in Nashville was like I was going to events, I was speaking, I was at like all these really fun creative networking experiences with all these people that were similar to me who had these big dreams. And I mean, there was not a coffee shop I walked into, like in our little creative spaces, where I wouldn't maybe run into someone I knew. And that was just such a special feeling. And after being there for 5 years, like, of course, like, that makes sense, right? And then I feel like when I went back home, I didn't have to meet anybody. I didn't have to put myself out there in a new way. And now, like, I am trying— and my coach has really called me out for this too. She's like, you thrive on human connection and you're trying to build a business solely online where you're trying to put things out there and connect with people. But without that human connection, it doesn't really feel like you're doing the work that you want to do. So you don't do it at all. And she's like, what if you, instead of having your business and trying to work with clients and grow deeper life solely online, why don't you start going to more networking events and start doing all the things that you used to love to do that is centered around actual human connection? This was our session yesterday. And I was like, oh my gosh.

Welcome back.

I was like, you right. You are right about that.

So So good.

It was like seeing ways I was playing small in my community. And then she also related it to business, which is something I need, where she's like, these 2 things are very connected and like you need to put yourself out there. So my goal between now and our next session next week is to map out how I'm going to start going to more networking events and putting myself into the creator space here in Houston and like inserting myself back into the human connection side of building community and business. And that was really big for me. So I'm in between some of the mindset stuff to like actually go do that.

Yeah.

Um, so yeah, that's— it's exciting though. Good stuff.

Wow, friend. So good and so powerful. Again, having a coach that can walk you through your mindset and what's going on, because I think sometimes too we procrastinate what we know we want and want to get going. But if there's not a deadline there, or forcing you to work through that initial emotions, right? Because it just feels daunting. Yeah. But once you actually put names to it and why and what do you love and why are you doing it, you're like, okay, I have clarity now. It's still hard, but I'm clear and I can take those steps forwards because I know why I'm doing this.

Right.

And so it's beautiful to hear that process of how you're walking through it. And then grabbing those elements of Nashville Alexis that you loved and then also bringing it to now and being like, well, I enjoyed those things. I want to explore those things and they'll likely look different than they did.

Mm-hmm.

And so grabbing familiarity and also being open to the scary unknown of new relationships, of Whatever, you know, you have in mind is gonna be very different. And that's daunting. That's a huge in-between. Yeah, literally. For sure.

But just taking that day by day and even realizing like with Matt not here, it's very easy for me to isolate. And I think this new shift into like, okay, Alexis, we are here now. We don't have any big trips coming up. We're not traveling. Like we are building roots. This is why we wanted to come here. And so Putting myself out there, getting involved in some coworking spaces and like actually showing up. Yeah. So it'll be good. I'm excited. Let's, let's actually—

I'm so excited for you.

A lot of this goes into today's topic. So let's get started. I have highlighted 3 of my core self-sabotaging tendencies.

I cannot wait. Also, I was smirking because you've mentioned a few that I have on my list and I'm like, are we going to end up with the same ones?

Maybe.

Because that would be amazing.

We're linked up. We're linked up with our sabotage.

Yes. Um, before we get started though, um, with our self-sabotaging tendencies, I would love from your professional opinion as a coach for you to share, um, what self-sabotage is, just so that we can all kind of understand the framework that we're going on before we jump into the episode.

Yeah, so self-sabotage is You can sabotage yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and relationally, and financially, and spiritually. Like, think of all the big areas of life in which you have relationship with. And all of those different comings and goings, those exchanges in life and career, there are opportunities and ways for us to grow and be our best self. Yeah. Self-sabotage is essentially undermining your potential because of insecurities, past trauma, past experiences, fears, doubts, narratives that other people have projected onto you, and you have internalized that, and therefore you wear that now as like a, like a coat of armor because you're scared. Oh, well, I can't do this because so-and-so in my life told me that I could never do it. And so we engage with sabotage and self-sabotage in a way to protect ourselves, in a way that essentially just undermines our potential. And it, it is subconscious. We can do it completely unaware of us doing it to ourselves, and we can do it consciously, actively choosing to self-sabotage ourselves.

So powerful. That was such a great way to break it down in such a simple way too. And I think, um, something that you mentioned too is the fact that we can do it consciously but also subconsciously, right? And one thing that I've found in my journey is the more I go along it, the more there is to discover in each of those areas and to tackle. And I think the biggest thing with self-sabotage is not shaming ourselves because the first step is awareness.

Right.

Like, okay, can you be honest with yourself? Like, the first act of self-love is to be honest and be like, this is where I'm at. We can move forward and discover where is it even coming from and what, what's the root of it so we can really bring that to the surface and grow from it.

And really quick to touch on that, I think it's important, um, and this is how I kind of work through a lot with my clients, not just self-sabotage, but First awareness, then attach meaning. Okay, I'm aware of it. What does it mean? Then make a choice. What do I want to do with this? Do I want to do nothing? Do I want to do something? And then if the answer is yes, do something, then we take action. A lot of times we want to skip the middle 2. We want to go right from awareness to action. Okay, well, if we don't sit in the meaning of the awareness and we don't make a choice about what we want to do with it, is action actually what we need to do when we're aware of something?

And is it the right action?

Exactly.

That you need.

Exactly. And so that's why attaching meaning to something can really help us decide which path we need to go with it.

Well, going along with that, how do you attach— like, if you're just starting to tackle this topic and you're kind of thinking, okay, I think I have self-sabotaging tendencies, I'm aware. How do I attach the meaning?

Right. So attaching the meaning is going back into usually past experience and trying to understand where it might have originated. And that's where you are like, oh, okay, I'm doing this because of this. This is what it means to me to show up in this way. Okay, interesting. What choices do I want to make? What decisions do I need to make around this meaning? And then that's where you can either take action or not.

Love that, love that. And something to share a little bit of my own journey too, because 2 or 3, 3 years ago when I started therapy, all of this talk was very overwhelming to me because I'm someone who likes to take action. And that in-between space of figuring things out, I like— nothing would pop up. It was radio silence. I could recognize my tendency And I knew something needed to change, but getting to that meaning part was really hard. And so if you're someone like me, just give yourself grace and know that it's— this is a beautiful time where you're basically getting to discover who you are, where you come from, and embrace all the parts of you. And so in the beginning, for me, it took me like sometimes weeks to even get to that answer of where is it coming from. And I would just be aware and aware. And so say the tendency was procrastinate or mindlessly scroll, then I would start catching myself and I'm like, well, what's going on around me that is causing that? And I'm kind of jumping ahead a little bit, but I guess just give yourself time and grace. It's not a to-do list item on your list to check off on a certain day. It takes time. And then now, 3 years in, I feel like I've gotten to a point where I can really walk myself through that. Sometimes within minutes, sometimes within hours. Depends on the topic, depends on the day, depends on my level of honesty with myself that day too. But there's so much that happens in that specific step that you mentioned, and it can just be very different for everyone.

Yeah, I agree. And I think it's, it's listening to what we're saying and then also finding your own experience in that too. I think sometimes whenever we hear people talk about new things or we're trying to learn, we almost want to do exactly what they did. Or it's like, oh, well, this is what Astrid did, so this is what I need to do. Or, this is what Alexis did, this is what I need to do. I think as we kind of broach the topic of self-sabotage and some of the ways that we're working on them, it's really important to find your own process with it. And, Hopefully we give you some things to kick off, but just find your own process and feel empowered in that, because what works for us might not work for you.

For sure, for sure. And a little side note— oh, sorry.

Oh, go ahead.

A little side note too, I think specifically with this kind of topic where it's a little bit more vulnerable and we're talking about our weaknesses, we can sometimes tend to think about the people in our lives who are like, oh, I know someone who does this or acts like this, and that's okay. But just know these are very sensitive topics. And like Alexis said, it's a whole journey for each person. And so being very graceful if you do recognize someone in your life who's self-sabotaging, how you can support them, just asking questions, loving on them rather than being like, oh, you're doing this, you're self— that's not very helpful when you're in the middle of that. Do not attack.

Do not attack people that are self-sabotaging.

Yeah.

So something that I like to ask is like, in what ways, in what ways could you be standing in your own way on this? And that's something that's like, you know, I'm not saying you're self-sabotaging. It's like, hey, how could you might be standing in your own way? Like, what areas of this feel like you might be the blocker? It's not what's happening externally.

Yeah.

It might be that You might be the blocker, and that's okay. All right, let's shift into some ways that we self-sabotage. You can go first.

Okay. Love it when you let me go first. You go, honey.

You go.

Okay. Before we jump in real quick, I read this book. If you struggle with self-sabotage, which honestly I feel like most of us do, it's called The Mountain Is You by Brianna. I think you say her last name Weist. It's W-I-E-S-T. Absolutely powerful in breaking down all the layers. I cannot recommend it enough. But I'm going to read this little paragraph real quick, um, that she wrote on it. And it says, if there is an ongoing gap between where you are and where you want to be, and your efforts to close it are consistently met with your own resistance, pain, and discomfort, self-sabotage is almost always at work. On the surface, self-sabotage seems masochistic. It appears to be a product of self-hatred, low confidence, or lack of willpower. But in reality, self-sabotage is simply the presence of an unconscious need that is being fulfilled by the self-sabotaging behavior. So the last part that she says on this is, to overcome this, we must go through the process of deep psychological excavation. We must pinpoint the traumatic event, release unprocessed emotions, find healthier ways to meet our needs, and reinvent our self-image and develop principles such as emotional intelligence and resilience. So it's a long process. You know, it's— it definitely is. It's a beautiful way to— I like that she also doesn't relate everything to trauma, because while trauma does definitely impact this topic, there's also other ways where we need to like reparent ourselves, certain things that we didn't learn, just grow in our emotional awareness. And, um, yeah, so I just wanted to hopefully share that with you all. And, um, one of my favorite books Definitely to read on this topic.

So it's on my reading list. I really want to read it. It sounds amazing. And she's a phenomenal writer as well. A lot of it's like, you know, uh, more prescriptive. Like, it's like not— I've heard— I've read that, like, her 101 Essays. She also has that one as well.

Yes.

It's like stories that it just kind of helps you feel seen, um, and helps you kind of navigate your own mental blocks around things. So, okay, self-sabotaging tendencies, go.

Okay, my first one is isolating and not asking for help.

100%.

Oh my gosh, I do this. And something that was really powerful for me is I knew that I did this because especially in the past few years I've gone through some really, really hard things and my ultimate tendency has been Literally just lay on the couch for hours and hours on end and nobody— I live by myself, nobody knows. And I'm just like, I am great. And then I will just pull myself out of the darkest hole ever and show up the next day like nothing ever happened. And we're gifted community for a reason. And I think too, it's so interesting how timing has worked in my life. But I ended up getting a roommate. Shout out to Danson if she's listening to this. But I got a roommate right after a very difficult season of my life. And I feel like that was such a huge healing step towards this tendency of self-isolating because there was someone in my space who would see the isolation, who would see the self-sabotaging tendencies. And in a way, it helped me to not go even deeper into that hole of just like completely letting go. Yeah, because I knew there was somebody that was gonna come home and be like, bro, are you okay?

You good?

She did do that. She did do that once. I was in my bed in my room for like, I think it was almost 24 hours or something. And she was like, it was right when she moved in. And she knocked, she's like, are you okay? Do you need something? And that's, that was like my first huge awareness step of like, dang, I really like Isolate. And so kind of bringing this back to the book that I read, um, I knew that I did that, but when I read the book and I read more about why we might isolate, and I really started to give this a little bit more space in my life to figure out where it comes from, I realized I isolate because whenever I was a kid, whenever my dad passed away, I was 11 years old. And it was one of those, of course, very traumatic things for myself and my entire family. And I just felt like there was so much going on and I didn't want— I don't want to bother anyone. And so I would kind of pretend like I had it all together so that my mom wouldn't have to worry about me, no one would have to worry about me. And then I would cry when I was by myself. Like, that was really when I would let myself feel.

Hmm.

But in my 11-year-old brain, it was almost like I shut that off completely. So there was almost like a year or 2 that I couldn't cry at all. And anytime that I needed to process, I would always do it by myself. And so that has been an interesting connection to kind of realize where it comes from and realize like— In the book, she kind of walks you through if you can pinpoint any event or something that is connected to one of these self-sabotaging tendencies, taking a moment to go back as your adult self and talking back to that person, whatever time frame it might be. And basically it's a whole exercise, and give them what they needed in that time and space.

Mm-hmm.

And so it doesn't mean that the tendency to isolate goes away. It just means I'm now aware of it, and I'm like, okay, there's levels of the isolation too. The isolation, sometimes I need it to process Yeah. And do it by myself. And then there's the isolation where I'm just going down the deep hole.

There's like a line too I found with my isolation where I'm like, okay, Matt left Monday at noon. I didn't leave the house until like Wednesday. And when I left the house, I was like, oh, this is the first time I've left the house in almost 48 hours. I was like, this is not good for me. So it's like that first night of isolation, yes, this makes sense. Totally understand. You're sad. You need to process.

You're alone.

We don't like it. We're here again. All of those kinds of revolving experiences. But then there's a line where it's like, oh, you know, maybe I'll just like DoorDash all my food. And like, I'm not going to take care of myself because I'm sad. And like all— or my way of taking care of myself is all centered around convenience.

Mm-hmm.

What's the most convenient way for me to get something quickly? And that's another line where I definitely crossed it this week where it's like, this was helpful. And then it very much shifted into like, I am very much sabotaging my week and my energy and my sleep and my nutritious— my nutrition goals. Like they are gone.

Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, what's that line for you? And how can you tell that you've crossed the line from like, This tendency to take care and protect is helpful. Oop, cross the line, not helpful anymore.

Yeah, great question. And thank you for sharing that because I think it brings awareness to like, it's not like we got this all figured out.

It's—

we're just aware of it. Yeah. And that's like, yeah, as life goes on, these are just our tendencies and we have to be conscious of it. Um, the line for me, it's very interesting because I would almost describe that line as numbness and just complete, complete shutout. There comes a point where I will isolate, that I will not respond to texts. I am out for the count. Out, out, out, ignoring everyone. And that's when I know it's my— Astrid, okay, we're about to go into red zone, babe. We got to pull it back out.

Okay.

So then I'm like, okay. And same, I will stay home. I will get Panera delivered. Like, I live in the smallest town. I could literally just drive there. But it's the act of staying in this safe space, right?

Oh yeah.

And cuddled up with the biggest blanket. Like, just let me be. And so when I catch that numbness feeling where I don't want to process, I don't want to think, I don't want to do anything but just lay there, then I start first by pushing myself to step outside into nature. So just kind of like— and that alone has helped me so much. And then getting ready and showering and all these things, because like I said, I will— it's almost like I don't exist. Like, I don't do anything. And if it gets to a point where I'm not eating, like, that's really bad. So anyway, like, that, that for me is the line where I know I need to step outside. I need to reach out to people. But I've— this is something that I'm in between, is it's hard for me. There's very few people that I feel like when I'm in that isolating mode, I can reach out and share my raw emotions without fully digesting them with meaning for them, if that makes sense.

Sure.

I have zero problems being vulnerable and being like, I just went through this huge depressive episode and this triggered it and this is what I learned from it and that's what happened last week and it's enough in my life.

And it's done. Yes.

And here's how I solved it.

Yeah, you want to share from the other side, not while you're in it.

Yeah, but while I'm in it, it's like I don't want anyone to come and rescue me or hug me or be in the messy middle with me in it.

Yeah, that's been something I've also been working on as well, for sure. Like just trying to Invite people in, and yeah, I even just like someone asking me how I'm doing and being honest and being like, you know, it's kind of been a rough couple of days. I'm I'm just working through it right now, and like that that feels honoring instead of like lying about how I'm feeling. Yeah. So yeah, that that is it is important to be honest with yourself and to have those trusted people that you can. Be you know the uncut raw version of whatever it is that you're experiencing, and and they're really just there to listen. They're not there to problem solve. They're they're not there to prescribe you something. That's been something that I've had to work with people in my life on. Like even Matthew and I will have like is this a feelings conversation or a solutions conversation?

Yes.

And by him asking me that and me asking him that, we're able to. Serve and give each other what we need. And so it's like a lot of times I just want to talk about feelings. And that can just help if you even say that to someone that you're trying to open up with and they're trying to give you solutions to something. Just even being able to say like, hey, actually, like right now I just need to talk about my feelings and vent. I appreciate that you're trying to help solve a problem. But can I just like share like the raw feelings without Yes. Needing like, I don't need this conversation to end with a bow around it.

Right.

And that's hard because like when you're ambitious and you're goal-oriented and you want to like feel like you're making progress, like you want the conversation to end on an up note. Okay, I've got it all figured out. Thank you. Thanks for the chat. It's like, no, I don't have it all figured out.

For sure. For sure. Yeah. There's so many layers to this, but I think being able to also take your ownership and communicate to people of this is what I need in this time. will be so helpful so that you don't avoid reaching out to people in the future, because then you're just going to get stuck in that cycle. So now that I've made it through my first layer of self-sabotage, please take it away. What is one area that you self-sabotage in?

Yes, well, I definitely relate to yours. I would say that is something I do often— not often, but like, that's one of the ways that I can see that something is astray is isolation. One of my big ones is I have an interesting fear of success. And so how that manifests, and one of the biggest self-sabotaging tendencies I have, is around pace and consistency. So I will run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. I'm on a marathon. Okay, we're going to launch all these things. We're going to build all this. We got all these ideas. I got I've got the whiteboard full, Asana board checklist, it's done. And then I'll get all this momentum and I'll even sometimes build the thing. And then I will just completely back off. I will complete— it's like my momentum shifts, my pace shifts, and I will not fully launch it. I won't launch it with the energy and dedication it needs. I won't launch it. I will. It's essentially like this relationship between having an idea and wanting to launch something for my business and then not, or not doing it at its probably best capacity and like the way that it that it needs to be launched to have the impact that I want it to have. Because at its root, the meaning is like I am. Scared about being successful because I'm scared about the responsibility that's associated with success, and like will I be able to maintain the success? Be able to deliver to the people that I have promised I will deliver something to? Will it be good enough? Will the quality be worth it? And can I sustain it? Can I actually sustain the service? Can I sustain the success? Can I sustain the lifestyle? How will it negatively impact my relationships? I don't know. I actually don't have good examples of what success looks like that doesn't decline relationships around it. Oh, well, I'm successful and what it cost me was my relationships.

Mm-hmm.

And so there's a lot of interesting elements around my fear and my avoidance of success. And when I say that, I mean, you could look at where I'm at in my career, the job I have, the money I make, and you could say, oh, Alexis is successful. She owns a home, she's married, she's happy, she's successful. And yes, I think that in the grand scheme of things, I guess I'm successful, but I'm not successful in the ways I want to be successful.

Mm-hmm.

And that means like as an entrepreneur building my legacy, I don't feel successful in that. And so that area of my life, I continually repeatedly self-sabotage. And I think I, you know, hiring this coach this year specifically, Angela, she does a lot of like productivity mindset work. Why are you procrastinating? Like it's essentially self-sabotage work, but we kind of do it in a different way. And that's really helped me uncover Some of those tendencies, and also instead of just being like, yeah, you know, I just kind of self-sabotage. Ha ha ha! It's like no, that's not acceptable anymore. Like that's how I feel. I'm like, oh yeah, I just procrastinate, or oh yeah, like here we go again, another thing I've built and don't launch it. Like self-deprecation covered up in humor to make me feel better about it, and it's like that's not working for me anymore. So this is a big self-sabotaging thing in my, in my career. And I wouldn't say career, like in my job. I don't feel like I do this in my job, which is very interesting. I do this for things that are just for Alexis, like, you know, deeper life and things like that. I, it's very interesting. So I, even my, my coach and I, you know, she's like, okay, I know you want more one-on-one clients. You have capacity, you have room in your calendar. For more one-on-one clients, when's the last time you have put out a push and said, "This is how I work with clients, and here's how I can help you, and this is what it would look like, and this is the container it can live in." Da da da da da da da da. I was like, "I don't know, maybe like December of last year." And she's like, "Okay, so we say that we want something. We even have all the systems in place to do it, but we don't. Why is that?" And like getting into that. And like, that is uncomfortable. Um, it's like, it's like having a scab that you keep picking off. And so that shit doesn't heal. Um, and that's what I've done over the last decade, honestly, of all of my creative efforts, is I have just been picking at a scab and, um, trying to heal that right now. Wow.

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That's such a Powerful, honest, raw moments that I think a lot of us that are entrepreneurs relate to. And it's so funny that you mentioned the separation of the job with your job, with your business, because I felt the exact same way. When I was in my full-time job, I felt like I could conquer the entire world.

Yes.

I was like, let's go, we're gonna take over, let's do it, I can do it. And then in my business, I'm like, I don't know. Like, I'm scared. I'm scared of everyone. And it's such a hard place to be. And I think the way you just broke that down and the level of honesty was so powerful because being able to identify all those things— and I would just want to honor the work that it's taken mentally and emotionally to open up and be like, okay, I'm gonna let you look at my— wound, look at my scabs, look at what I've done, help me out here. And not only help me, but you looking at it rather than just looking away, which is what a lot of us can tend to do and be like, well, it's, it's not something like— there's not a specific deadline, there's no one waiting on me to do anything. So it's a little bit easier to look away.

Yeah.

But at the end of the day, we're betraying ourselves in the middle of that and like betraying what you were created to do, which is so interesting because some of these self-sabotaging tendencies, it's like sabotaging who we were meant to be, that full person, that full capacity, that life that we have in us. And it's, it's absolutely crazy how much our work that we're passionate about can show so much of what we're feeling as well.

Yeah, I agree. It is very connected to like then your self-talk too. So it's like not only are you self-sabotaging and then you see yourself do it, you recognize it, then it's all the internal conversations that you have with yourself because, oh, here you go again, you've done it again, surprise, surprise. Oh wow, look at us, we're back here again. Look at what you keep doing to us. Like, and I could go, I could go way deeper and way meaner.

Mm-hmm.

But the meanest person in my entire life is me to me. And that is the way that self-sabotage manifests, is it's like we're not kind to ourselves. Like, where is the empathy and the, like, what we give to other people? But we deprive ourselves of it. Like, so true. If anyone's like, oh, I have this idea and I want to launch this thing, I will sit with you for hours. Let's hop on a Zoom. Like, but it's like me doing that for me. So yeah, it's been interesting this year in particular. Um, I know I'm going to look back on this season and realize how impactful it really Was and is for where I'm headed, and I know that in it. And I do think that there feels like a lot of hope around it. So yeah, what about you? You're next.

Wait, I'll just throw that back on.

Yeah, I think we have time for like one more of yours and one more of mine.

Okay, perfect. Well, mine kind of goes along with yours. With procrastination, I'm just gonna like bring this. 2 together, but it's like procrastination in my work, which also is overworking and maxing out my schedule. So I think a side of me procrastinates because I think that I'm not good enough for the work that is in front of me.

Mm-hmm.

And whether, like, if I just came back from a really cool shoot and I'm absolutely excited for it, My tendency is to avoid looking at the photos for like 24 hours or something like that because I'm terrified that I messed it up, that I didn't do good enough.

Interesting.

Yeah. And then once I dive into the editing part of it, I am completely fine. But there's— there was so much anxiety with each of the sessions and weddings that I've done. And the higher they get and the better they get, I'm like, I'm afraid I'm gonna let them down. I'm afraid it's not good enough. I'm afraid it's not gonna be what they wanted.

Mm-hmm.

And I've caught myself a lot in that, more specifically since I went full-time. And so I've really set certain things in place where I'm like, okay, we're not gonna avoid that. Now going forward, I just really am aware of it. I've created some action around it and realized, okay, well, I'm gonna give myself this timeframe to look at the photos. And then I take a second beforehand and after every shoot and I say, I am good enough. I did my absolute best. This was incredible. And so it's like that mean girl talk inside of my head. I tackle it right away and I leave with that positive rather than letting it completely unravel. And so overall, it's just been an interesting, interesting year of really tackling my self-sabotaging tendencies. Because one thing that I learned in the book is sometimes we hold on to it because these tendencies are a part of who we are. We hold it as us. And when we let that go, there's now this void, and you're like, who is this? What is this? And you have to kind of grieve that whole layer and grieve who you were, who you're letting go. And honestly, it sounds easier because you're like, well, you wouldn't want to hold on to that. But when you think about the roots under these self-sabotaging tendencies and the stories they hold and the, the things they say and they speak to us, it's really hard to let them go even if they are damaging us. And it's very interesting, the dynamic be like between all of them. And so being in between killing our old version self and moving forward while also holding space for grieving for what we have and where some of these tendencies can come from.

Yeah, it's like shedding of skin. As you were talking, I just realized that about, about the mean girl narrative. I just want to clarify, I am not mean to myself in any other area of life than in my little entrepreneurial pocket.

Mm-hmm.

And so it's like when I'm at the gym, when I'm with friends, when I'm working, like, I'm like, I got this in the bag. I've got so much confidence. I am like, there, I feel like I'm floating. Like, I feel so secure in who I am, secure in my body, secure in my relationships. It's this part of my life that I am very mean to myself. And I wonder That's why I avoid working on my business, because when I'm doing it, I'm not very nice to myself. And so it's like I avoid the pain and the mindset and the mean talk. So I just, I'm just like, I don't want to work on this tonight because like what's going to come up, you know? What am I going to say to myself that's going to send me into like a tizzy? And so I just avoid it. I just have the realization right now.

That's crazy. Well, and it's almost like if you did have someone in your life who talk to you the way that you talk to yourself in that area. Because Alexis, 90% of the time, is someone who values respect, is someone who values positive talk, is all of these beautiful values. It makes sense that when you— this little— this area comes up that is so important to your life, and this mean girl pops up as well, you're like, I want to be with you. I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want you to talk to me like that.

Yeah, you're fired. You are fired. Yeah, interesting. Okay, I need to do some additional digging on that. But I love what you said around knowing that procrastination might come or the procrastination that's tied to perfectionism, how those 2 things come into play and the relationship they have. I feel that. I definitely feel that. Or mine's like, I'll procrastinate because I don't feel like I'm in the right environment. Like, oh, this is like this like creative thing. Like, I'm gonna do this at like a cute coffee shop, or I'm gonna like, you know, I want everything to just feel just so perfect when I work on this.

Yes.

And I'll blame the environment for not getting the thing done. And that's another like weird way of like the perfectionism, the procrastination, and the environment needing to just be just right for me to finally do something. And that's another like little self-sabotaging tendency for me is like, Uh, I'm not in the right place. Today's vibe, today's vibe, today's energy is not quite there. And it's like, yeah.

And at the end of the day, like, we think that the procrastination is going to make us feel better because we avoided that uncomfortable thing. But the reality is that when you lay down at bed and you procrastinate on something you knew you wanted to do, you feel self-betrayal and your confidence goes down because suddenly you didn't get what you needed to get done. So it's very interesting how the very thing we need to do is actually what's going to make us feel the best, even though it's uncomfortable.

I agree. I agree. My last self-sabotaging tendency that I'll bring up is around overcompensating for my insecurities by trying to do more. So when it comes to— and a lot of these, honestly, a lot of these self-sabotaging Self-sabotaging tendencies I've realized as I've been working through this are all related to my business, which is very interesting. I don't feel like I self-sabotage really in any other area of life aside from maybe financially. Like there are some there are some things financially that I need to work on, and I'm I'm actively trying to do that now with this no spend month. But this last one is around like is it enough? Is the is the group coaching program enough? Is the one-on-one enough? Am I doing enough? Am I checking in enough? Are the results enough? Like, that enoughness is directly tied to like, I'll try to overcompensate then by doing more for less, like maybe not even charging what I need to charge for it to be profitable or for it to make sense money-wise and time-wise. So that has been interesting of like, One, do I trust that what I'm doing and the service I'm providing is valuable? Yes. Do I need to overcompensate for insecurities surrounded that? No, I don't. And that is like, oh, I really want to launch a membership program. Honestly, just a community. I just want to be with women who are working on themselves, who are big dreamers who want to be around other women in a positive environment. And we can talk about fashion, we can talk about money, we can talk about business, we can talk about relationships, we can talk about travel and just like have a place where we can all come together and like have it be fun. I want to be a member of my own community. Like, I don't want to be the like, I'm the leader, come see me lead. Like, I've just realized that that's actually not the kind of version of a business I want to run. Where like I want to be an active participant, but I'm like, oh well, I've got to like do all this programming and I've got to, you know, make sure all this is just right. And it's like, no, actually I've realized like listening to a lot of business podcasts that a lot of people stumble into whatever really launched them into the next like level. It wasn't this like perfectly like perfected formula of a launch. Like, no, it's usually something that was like, I threw up a landing page and I had people join and they were excited. And here we are. It's like, wow, okay, it can actually be that simple. And I, to like round that all up, I overcomplicate things.

Same.

I just overcomplicate them.

And it's so interesting. Hearing you walk through all of that because you as a coach have helped me simplify all of it and be like, Ashley, it doesn't have to be this big thing. Just do it. It doesn't have to be perfect.

And this is why coaches need coaches.

Yes.

And therapists need therapists. And because you're helping other people with their own goals and navigate their own self-sabotaging tendencies or their own blockers, I'm still a human. Like, I also want to actively be working on my own.

Yes.

Um, and I think that's— it's interesting. Like, you're like, but you've helped me with this, you should be good at it. And that's like the thing is, um, sometimes when you're in a place where you're helping people with problems, you— there's this inner voice that's like, are you qualified for this? Because you've got your own problems. You know, who are you to like help people when you have things you need to work on? And that's— that was a narrative that I, I had early in my coaching business that I decided to let go of because that's— of course I'm helping people and I need help.

Yes.

And like, how am I going to help myself and how am I going to invest is why getting a coach and being committed to, um, healing and working on some of my own blocks and stop getting in my own way.

Yeah, which is the topic of today as well. It's just because you know how to tackle something doesn't mean you're not going to self-sabotage it. And so actually spending time in that and walking through those steps you mentioned earlier of why you're doing it and awareness to go to the next step is crucial. But it's not a lack of knowledge a lot of times. It's not a lack of that. It's a lack of It's not a lag. It's just an internal processing that we need to go through. Mm-hmm.

Well, you want to share your last one?

Um, I thought we were just gonna do 2 each.

Oh, I thought I just shared mine, and I thought that you had one more to share. Maybe you already shared it.

Yeah, procrastination.

I'm sorry.

It's all good. It's all good. Um, but we— I mean, we could definitely talk talk on this so much more. I'm sure that we will in the future tackle this again, but feel free to reach out to us if any of this resonated with you. If you connect with any of our self-sabotaging tendencies, we're right there with you.

We're in it.

Yes, we are in it. We are growing. We are keeping it real and honest because that's a huge value for both of us. And we just hope that in this you feel seen and that it helps you grow. Thank you for tuning in today and be sure to connect with us on our Instagram @inbetween.pod. Um, you can also connect with me at my Instagram, which is @astrejohannaphoto.

And you can connect with me @alexistechmiller. And if you're interested in joining the no-spend month in September, def come over and, and say hi and join, join the community. It'll be, it'll be good. I'm excited for not going through it alone. No one, no one, no one wants to navigate new things alone. And if you're enjoying the podcast, please, please, please leave us a review. It always makes our day reading reviews and seeing how you're resonating with the show. And we will see you next week.