Men Reveal What They Really Want in a Woman

Come on in here. Let's give a round of applause. Oh, y'all know Miss Stenpaugh speaks. Y'all know, you know who that is. So ladies, I felt like although I am giving you information, I felt like it would be great to hear from what I consider quality men, not just high earning A lot of times you get the high earning versus high value mixed up, and they are not the same. So I know this one personally. I remember this one from the music video. And y'all know so many ladies, they get on my nerves because they always with the detox, and I can't get them to do stuff because they always on the detox.

Okay, cool.

And you guys know Mr. Relationship right here, he be getting y'all together as well too. Believe that they can bring something that either reiterates what I was saying or give you a different perspective on love and relationships, especially the feminine portion and the reason why it's so important. So fellas, why is it being— having a feminine woman so important in your life? Good. What one start? What one do that?

Um, so as she was saying before, having like a high value man, uh, but really a high quality man— a man is always out of balance, and a woman is out of balance when she's not with her man, right? And what I mean by that is when we come together, we complement each other, not necessarily for the sake of being comparable. So you can find somebody who's comparable to you, meaning they have the same likes, they eat the same places, they like to go to the same places, you know, they have the same family values. That's being comparable. But being complementary is something that makes you better, adds to you. And so when I think about why it's so important to have like a very feminine woman, for me it's because I'm so masculine. And so Stefan is one of my best friends. And he can kind of attest to this, I'm a very aggressive man. Like, so I'm the man, like, if we— it was 4,000 years ago, like, if they sent people out to go to war, like, I'm the man they sending out to war. And now I'm like saying, let's go. So because I'm that kind of man, I need balance. And because I'm always in my masculine state, and my masculine state is to provide, is to protect, is to be strong when everybody else is weak. And so for me to be vulnerable, for me to be in a state where I can feel like I can embrace another side of me, I have to have something present in my life to allow me to do that. And so it's so important for women to understand why, why you can't just do that in an instance, because putting on lingerie, that's an instance. That's a moment. And I need that every time I'm around you. And so for me, that's why it's so important is because, you know, not necessarily that I'm out of balance to the sake of like I don't have personal balance, but you know, for me, like going out here slaying dragons and, you know, taking on the world and trying to be— provide not only for, you know, a potential wife I'm going to have one day, but to my mom, to my dad, my sisters when they call me, you know, little mentees. I'm always giving to other people, and feminine energy gives to you. So that's why it's so important.

So I'll jump in and say, uh, the reason why to me it's extremely important is because when you're in your feminine energy, that's when you're your happiest. All right, I think a lot of women have become detached from it due to upbringing due to society, due to getting into the workforce where you now feel like you have to be more masculine to be respected, to get ahead. But that's not where you're happy. That's not where you're at peace. And if I as a man am trying to be in a relationship, I want to be with a happy woman. I want to be with a peaceful woman. I always say, you know, consider how some women are amongst children than amongst men. You can have a woman who says, "I'm not feminine," but she gets around kids and she's loving, she's sweet, sweet and she's charming. Man comes around and she shuts the whole thing down. No more feminine energy. And what you really have to be honest with yourself about is the fact that your struggle is because you view men as a threat, you view them as danger. You don't view the child as that way, which is why you can be vulnerable and open. But again, that's where you're happiest, you see what I'm saying? That's where you have more peace. So to me, that's what's going to allow the relationship to flourish and and as Bobby mentioned, it's about balance. I think we all desire our balance. This is why any woman who is successful or exudes a lot of masculine energy, she doesn't have a problem getting men technically desiring her. She gets— she has a problem getting the type of men that she wants. Those women can get men who will leech off of you, who are bums, who got nothing going on for themselves. They'll come in droves. Why? Because they're looking for their balance. They don't possess those qualities. They see it in you. They need you to stabilize them. But the man who possesses that, that you have a desire for, he doesn't need those things. So his value is in your energy, in your spirit, in your peace, in your lovingness, in your nurturing ability. That's what he really, really cares about. So I think just understanding that balance— and doesn't ever mean you— you know, I think we have to understand as men and women, we're going to have masculine and feminine energy within us. It's just accepting what our dominant energy is. And for the woman, that is the feminine, and for the man, that is the masculine. And those who embrace that will experience success.

Uh, I hate the word balance, so it's kind of a through line. I think what happens is that, uh, men need the balance because you bring— you give us something and bring something to us that levels us out. We're leveling each other out. So that's why sometimes, you know, We hit the frame. I don't need no man. There's a balance that we all bring to each other. I'mma go— I'm about to go to a place, hopefully you all can relate to. If you have children, uh, boys get from their mothers something that they know they can't get from their fathers. So mothers are the first place of what their feminine energy is, whether when sick, I lay on mom because there's a softness with with mom that just— I just feel better all of a sudden if I lay in mom's lap. And mother just by her nature, not that she forces it, she's feminine and she embraces that, right? And I may not be speaking for all women because if you take my mother, it was the opposite. My mother was a headstrong mother who raised 4 boys and 1 girl by herself. So I come from a single parent mom whose mother never hugged her and showed her love. So my mother has a more dominant energy, right? But you would think being raised by that, that was what I would want to marry and look for. No, it was the opposite. So I told my wife, if you bring me headstrong energy, this is what's going to happen to you. Because I was reared with that for 18 years in my mother's house. You know, it was that strong. And I get it. She's a single parent mom. She didn't know anything about masculine energy. She didn't want to be the father, but she had to play dual roles, right? Just out of just the necessity of the times. But I grew up saying I didn't want that. I want something opposite of that. Not that I hate my mother. My mother, I give her kudos. I love my mother. I'm a second oldest, so I'm not the baby. But I knew exactly what, uh, the softness and the feminine energy would bring to me, bring healthy balance, right? Um, what I did learn in seeking that, you know, that feminine energy myself. Um, I find it interesting that when men learn that also, that side of you, we're more loving with our children because we get that from you too as well. My children come to me and I have to tell them, Mom's right there. But because I embrace feminine energy from my wife, I know how to give it to my children too. So sometimes they'll come to me for things, I have to go, Mom's right there, you can get that from her. But it's not because I, I push them away. So it's a healthy balance of it that complements who we are subconsciously, and even on spiritual levels, and even, you know, as we just think about it, just cognitively, it brings us balance in all areas. So, you know, that's why it's so important, you know, for us. This is helpful.

And let me pick back one more thing. I spend most of my time in masculine energy, and when I'm around most people, I'm around other gods. Most throughout my day because I'm working my business, doing whatever I got to do. And so the last thing I wanted to come home to is more masculine energy. Like, if I come home more of that, like, that's why a lot of men leave the home. That's why they go down in the basement. They're trying to find a place of peace. And that's really what your woman is supposed to be. She's supposed to be your place of peace. Just like he just mentioned, my mom, 5 kids, only father around was mine, okay? And she had to fend and slay and do what she needed to do to raise her kids. As a result, she didn't get to be in her feminine energy. As an adult, just like them, I don't— I love my mom, I like the qualities of my mom, but I don't want my mom. Like, as a wife, I wouldn't want my mom. 'Cause my mom doesn't know how to hug, and I taught my mom how to love. Like, I taught my mom how to say I love you. I taught her how to hug. I taught her how to embrace me and honor me. I taught her how, when I criticize you, look at it as me saying I love you. And so it's really important for you guys to know and understand that. That's what a man is gonna receive.

Next question I have. Is what do you think women miss when they're out on a date? Like, say for instance, first date, right? And how do you think they should show up? Because I get a lot of the— they show up with a checklist of things that they're looking for, right? Versus being actually in the moment to get to know the guy. It's more so, is he a good fit for me, right? So they never really get to know anything about him. What would you tell them they need to do or should do, couple things they should do to be in the moment when they're actually dating versus trying to see if he's the one today?

So I think what comes to mind, what came to mind just now is the fact that I feel like women are overanalyzing on the first date and you're going in with the mentality of trying to figure him out. Rather than presenting who you are, all right? And so in that, you may come off as interrogating him. You may come off as, you know, even judging because again, you're just, you're looking and you're trying to put the pieces together rather than just be you. And it kind of reminds me of like, you may not get this analogy, but in sports, sometimes if a guy is shooting the ball in basketball and he's missing because he's too much in his head, he's overthinking. He's not just playing the game. Just play, just be you, you know, and let your best come out. And I think in doing that, trust that your intuition is strong enough. See, here's the thing, I feel like women have gotten too away from their spirit and their intuition and too much into their logical mind. And that's where you lose because that's not your strength. Your strength is in feeling, is in sensing. You guys pick up on things. But then you ignore your intuition because you're too busy overanalyzing and rationalizing past the intuition. So instead, trust that your spirit will pick up on if this guy is not for you. Just focus on being your best you and showing up. And I think you're going to see a huge difference because what men are then sensing sometimes is this woman who seems to be standoffish, you're holding back, you're not Fun. It's hard to be fun when you're interrogating and you're busy work trying to look for something bad to be here. Just enjoy the moment and use the first date as a chance to experience learning something new, learning someone new. That's it. It's not about whether we're going to get married or not. It's, hey, I get to go out today with this man, enjoy this moment, and then we'll evaluate what needs to happen after that.

2 things. All right, so I love y'all. Disclaimer, you know, like, I want to help you because, like, love is important and we can't do it without you. So I got to keep, like, part of my word. I got to keep it real, shit. All right, 2 things. You don't show up as you And just to give you sort of a little background, I grew up in a neighborhood where you had to quickly identify if somebody was for or against you. Like, if somebody was really being who they are, if they were like not being themselves. And so a lot of times when I'm out, a lot of women aren't showing up as who they are. They're not being themselves. They— you're doing too much. And what I mean by that is we're human beings, not humans doing. So you show up, you're pretending to not be interested when you're interested. You know, you want to smile at him, but you don't smile at him. He approaches you and says, "Hey, what's your name?" and you're standoffish, you're doing too much. If you see somebody and they approach you the right way, even if you're not interested, you can have a conversation with them. We're a human being. You understand that? And so a lot of women are showing up as not themselves, and you see it instantly. Like, as a man, you see it instantly. And we're trying to bring you out of it. We tell you a few jokes, give you a few compliments. We're trying to help you, and you still won't do it. You still in that standoffish state, and we're trying to help you. And so first thing is you need to show up as you So if that's the girl from around the way, if that's the corny girl, if that's the shy girl, say, "I'm shy." You know, say, "I'm corny." You know, say, "I like you. I like how you look tonight." Just show up as yourself. So that's the first thing. The other thing that I think is really important and— is like when women are out and men are, you know, trying to put this together, right? Um, you know, I give it to my sister.

We want that.

That's what we want.

Okay, you got permission.

Okay, like The kind of man you're looking for, I don't got time to fuck around. So if I come and I'm like, hey, like, you look beautiful, like, I see you standing there, like, want to know if I can get you a drink, or, oh, you don't drink? Perfect, let me get you a water. And if we can't conversate, and if I don't feel like you're trying to get to know me, because this isn't, this isn't just about you. You have made dating about you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, say that again. Say that again.

Man, dating about you. This ain't about you. When we— if we move further in life and become boyfriend and then eventually, you know, husband and wife, I'm gonna be doing a whole bunch of shit as the husband. I'm gonna be providing, protecting, making you feel secure, etc., etc.

This is a whole lot—

it's a larger list of stuff for men to do. And so it's really important when I show up, you have to show up too. You got shit to do too. And so when we go out on a date, it's not just about me entertaining you. You've made it all about us entertaining you. So we feel like clowns, we feel like jesters when we show up and you don't show up with us. You see what I'm saying? Like, if I show up on a date and I'm like, I'm doing my best to impress you, show you off, and when I do something like really grandiose in my mind and you give me this bland ass, that was nice, thank you. I'mma tell you what I'm gonna do. First of all, we're not going out on another date. I'm not gonna text you. Mad because you wasted my time.

Wow.

You not only wasted my time, you wasted my energy in putting into you. And not only that, here's the thing, and this, this is really important. A lot of you are wondering why a man like us will not date you but date the girl on fries at Zaxby's. It's because she shows up 100% When I say 100%, she shows up 100% and you show up entitled.

Well, I actually saw an example of that, honestly, um, because I had somebody else in my city, but she was helping me with feminine So she was like, well, let me see, you know, how you walk to the car, whatever, whatever. Because somebody was like, I reminded them, they friend who was like bossy, like whatever. But once her and I had the conversation, she showed me and I went to Chick-fil-A and all the girl did was walk from here to there and give me the milkshake. But I could see exactly what she was talking about. I mean, she could have been 20 years old, but I saw the flirtiness, the playfulness. She didn't have like an attitude, but I can see how somebody can just come in and say, take her out of here. Like, I'mma take care of you, or whatever. Like, I seen that in her mannerisms, just that quick.

Let me get her out of here. She don't— like, cuz us as men, we going to be like, oh, that's a queen, she don't deserve to be here. Let me get her out of here, and I'mma upgrade her. I'mma show her what she really deserve in life.

Versus—

you got to understand, like, men like us, financially, we don't, we don't need your You understand that?

We don't need your part.

Like, and so I'll say, all right, we're going to invest in crypto with your, with your money, okay? But we don't need your part. And with that being said, with that being said, we need her on frogs, her part, showing up playful, doing dainty things when we come home. Phone saying, hey, I saw you didn't have this on your website, I found this person, here, here you go. We need that.

And I want to add, speaking on the financial part, I think understanding the reason why we don't need that part is because there's a study that shows after a certain amount of income, your everyday life happens does not change. All right, now they set it at $70,000. We can argue whether it's actually $70,000, but the The point is, if a man, for example, is making $300,000, he already has his home, he already has investments, he already has everything. Your extra money does nothing for him. And so there's this idea that, well, we can be a power couple. Understand that it's a lot of women that fantasize the whole power couple thing, not men. The men who fantasize power couple are broke men, and they need a woman with power to make them more powerful.

Yes.

But for the man who already has it, he does not care because what he values and needs, as Bobby said, is that love, is that nurturing, is you to be there for him, is you to be flexible for him. If anything, a man who is successful needs a woman who can be flexible. That's a huge thing right there. Because if I have to worry about when I need you most, it's like, I got to go do this, I got to do that. It's like, so you're not available for me when I need it, you know? And it would be understandable if we needed your money, but we don't need it. So now it's like I have to sacrifice what I need for something that's irrelevant in my life. So be mindful of that and understand that, yeah, it's the other intangibles that truly matter to men of that level.

Kind of almost like we hear one word, which is income, but you forget the dynamics of outcomes. And so we tend to focus on one parallel of something, right? Everything has an outcome to an income. We spoke about feminine energy, right? There's an incoming of that that we want, and there's an outcome of what you get from us, right? And vice versa. But, um, I would just say, um, you have to define what measures of what you think dating is. I know the word itself, date, means a number. And if you've already calculated how many you need what the expense of what it is. You probably already lost because as we grow and evolve, right, we change and things are different as we continue to date. Or are we dating? You need to look at and evaluate what, what type of person you are in your dating. Are you microwave or oven? I want to put in real quick, it needs to happen fast, or I want to process slowly cooked, right? Well prepared, prepared to perfection. Is it checkers or is it chess, right?

Chess is—

you don't have to, you don't have to understand this theory. You do not even know how to play chess, but it's a slow game and every move is strategic. And checkers is a little faster. I will also leave you with this: there are the ats and the ins, and these words The first set of words, first bit of the acts, they have an AT in front of them, and an IN. Are you attempting to get attention with your attraction versus getting a, uh, uh, with your intuition, right? Getting involvement with your, what you call your, uh, intuition, right? So, in's and at's, right? Are you— or what we're at and what we're trying to get in, you know what I'm saying? Like, are we on the outside just at something, or are we really trying to get in something, right? And so there's a degree of beauty, and there's a degree of other things, the beauty that's within. So I know that there's a heavy balance with the two, right? And, uh, one serves the other. But those are just my things, uh, that I would put As we say, you know, why are you dating?

What are those—

what are the rules of engagement? You know, have I accomplished everything that I need with the attention from my attraction? But were you really involved? Like you said, you know, are you showing up? What's happening here, right? I see you, but then I haven't seen you. And most people want to be seen, right? How can I be seen without being judged? Right, you know what I'm saying, for the most part. So, you know, those are just my—

yeah. Okay, well, I have a question for the ladies. With everything these fellas have said, I want to make sure— what did you hear? Because I want to make sure that you're understanding what they're saying, not just listening. What actually did you hear them say? Because just in case what you heard is not what they're saying, because a lot of times women, we will hear things And it's not really what they're saying. And then even if they tell us what it means, we still want to wrap it around what our definition is of what we heard. So what did you actually hear them say? Go ahead. What I heard is being your authentic self allows the man to truly get to know who you are. What else? What else? Being emotionally present. Oh, did we not talk about that? What else would y'all hate?

They need balance.

What does balance look like to you?

Well, they have a lot of, of course, masculine energy, they need the feminine energy to balance that out.

And what did I teach you feminine energy was?

Even.

Huh?

Nurturing, softness, peace.

Where does it come from? Emotion, being in touch with your emotions. The right side of the brain. Okay. And they mentioned something about what? Spirituality. But didn't we talk about that? I was just making sure that y'all are on that.

Another thing is not only knowing your perspective but knowing his. That's what I'm really trying to connect to you guys here is just men get selfish when they see the woman's side.

Themselves.

Because what's happening is we're pouring— I don't want to make it seem like women don't do anything because women are amazing. Like, I can't live without you. But what's important to know is like, we're going out on a date, who's setting it up? When I'm buying a house for us, who got to go through the paperwork? You know, all the like gritty stuff we have to I do that part. And so we want the, the, the, the part that adds energetic energy to us. We need that from you. Like, baby, you ain't had fun in a long time. We— I'm, I'm putting some fun in our week.

Here's what I want to go back to so I can clarify attempting and attraction to ask me. And so I'll give you a perfect example. Uh, my wife, she was, uh, —did the whole pageant world thing, right? She was the second Black African American woman Miss Mississippi, top 10 of the USA Pageant, right? And so when we got married, the first 2, 3 years in our marriage, I mean, this has been her— that was her platform for her career for a long time before we got married. So in our marriage, you know, there's always those moments of saying, hey, you beautiful, baby, you look good, all this. But her platform for a long time was the presentation of beauty. Right? But I'm so much about everything else on the inside versus the exterior that she completely forgot. That's how I met her. You know where I met my wife at? On an elevator with a dude with a, with a hair rag on her head, no makeup on. And in my head I said, Jesus, wow. And that's how we met. But then as we continue to date and grow, I learned a lot about her life. But then she starts to put on this presentation as if she was still on this pageant platform in the marriage, she had to keep up something that I wasn't really attracted to. So for the first 2 or 3 years, to her, at some point she got offended because she went from like, well, you don't still see Miss P.S.? I see you, but then I'm learning this part about you. And that doesn't make you flawed, but that part right there, that's who you really are. This is who you really are. And I don't need makeup every day because I know you can get dolled up. And I think this— I work in the profession. I work around a bunch of beautiful people all the time. But where I met you at was the heart of a person on the elevator they had on 3 floors in Daytona, Florida. And we was at this conference. And she had on that denim jacket.

Like that. Denim jacket with pants.

And they had just got off this bus that they rode together in a group. And I was arriving with another group. People, and that's what I remember. And I said, that's a lot to do, but everything else had to be dolled up because she was trying to attempt to get attention, attraction, because she thought I fell in love with her. But that wasn't what it was, see. It was the involvement of an intuition and the other thing that made her insightful— the accident, right? And so that put that strain on us for a couple years because she started questioning her beauty. And I was like, The external is great, but that's not what I need.

You gotta move on. It tastes good, but is it yours? Yeah.

That's not— yeah, yeah, so that's what you want.

But if it was the other way around, if you had met her the other way and then she decided to, you know, to not keep herself up, would that have been a problem? I'm just saying, because you're saying you met her that way, it's fine. I'm just saying if it was the other way around.

Think about the woman who raised me. My mother was not a woman with makeup. She didn't wear makeup. Back in the day, those women took the lipstick, the close makeup, was rubbing it right here. You need church. So this is what I told her. So when we were dating, I gave her who I was, what I grew up with, the women that I saw in my family, right? So she got a better understanding of who I was and what I saw. So if it was the other way around, it would not say it bother me because I'm still looking for something internal. I remember hearing my mother when I was like 16 or 17 on the phone with a girlfriend, and she was somewhat coaching this lady about how a guy should have taken her out on a date. Did he give you flowers? And all this other stuff. And I'm thinking like, wow, my mom is telling this lady this, one of her friends. I said, I think that's what she likes. I think that's what she wants. She's giving advice on something that she doesn't see because she's busy raising children. And they're working me in and out the house. So it curved how I actually started to date when I was in college. They called me a hopeless romantic because I feel like what I heard my mother would share with her girlfriend sometimes, just eavesdropping. I said, well, that's what they were looking for, is something else outside of the externals, right? And so that's the type of guy I am. You just got to know what type of guy you are.

And that's important.

Yeah. Let me say this. I think— because I think that can confuse some of y'all as to wondering, OK, well, then should y'all just be no makeup? Should I have makeup? You have to find what makes you happy first, all right. If you are your happiest and at peace wearing less makeup and that's what you can sustain, then that's how you present yourself. If you love getting dolled up, that's how you present yourself. Because if you try to be something you're not, so let's say you're the woman who wants to keep it simple, you don't like all this extra stuff, right. But you do it to get this man, then you get it. But it really annoys you to have to keep this up. Now, even if you keep it up, there's resentment that starts to seep in. There's annoyance, frustration. Why can't this man just love me without this makeup? Why can't— And now it starts to roll over to all these other aspects of the relationship and destroy it. We have to accept we are who we are, all right? There are tons of men out there who love it super simple. There are tons of men out there who love a dolled up woman. Who loves to take care of themselves. Be you first and then see who embraces that version.

That's why I said you got to show up as your authentic self, because if you show up with that— I don't know what they call it, um, but the mask, at some point you got to take it off. And I was reading this story of this man in India, uh, who had married this woman with that on, and she took it off, and he was trying to sue her. He was trying to sue her because he was like, this is not who I married.

False advertising.

False advertising. So, and I love a little mascara and a little this and that, but I'm just saying, you know, you can change who you are, you know, when they come to that.

Yeah. So I think for those who enjoy wire makeup. It's just don't go to the levels of where it completely transforms your face to where you're someone completely different when it comes off. Yeah, use makeup to enhance, not to transform. Yes, I think that's the balance for those who love it. But again, if you're not a big fan of it at all, that's not something you can keep up with, don't do it. Because to flip it, imagine if a man took you to 5-star restaurants when he first met you, but this dude is really broke and likes to just eat at Popeyes. All right, like that's his thing. He doesn't care for all these nice restaurants. But if he does it to get you, and now he becomes so frustrated and drained having to keep up, and if he switches up on you, you're gonna be pissed because you accepted him with what he presented. And that's why it's important that you keep it real with yourself and who you're meeting from day one. Show them what you can sustain, not what you're gonna do for a moment, then you're gonna let go and switch up later.

What I love about this is what you said about about what is— I added feminine input instead of just input.

What is my feminine input to the relationship to get the outcome that I want?

Because our idea of how to work on the relationship—

well, thank you for everything that April has taught us too—

is that we have to do, do, do, but do it the wrong way.

Do it with the left side versus the feminine, dainty, playful side.

So I appreciate that, to do more to add more of the feminine part to it versus, well, let me work extra hours to bring in more money or do these things out of the masculine part.

Let me go cut the grass, just for example, you know, something like that, versus let me make sure the home environment— and I am putting in more of my femininity.

So thank you for that.

I think there's a thing where people assume that guys want sweet things, you know, the whole hunting, going hunting, things and then we just kind of stop. I, you know, I think guys, we still have that, but there's something about you that, as you mentioned, you brought something that made me do something or give something, you know. Men don't go hunting for bones. Let me say that again. We don't go hunting for bones. And I'm not just talking about sex stuff. I'm talking about like even coming back home. We're We're still in that mindset, but when I come home, I want to come home to softness. I want to come home— I'm not saying we're not going to have disagreeable days, right? I'm not saying everything is all perfect, you know what I'm saying? But we still have a thing about ourselves that we still look forward to something, you know? And I think the best of ourselves is, you know, as we all agree, is within you, you know? I mean, you are— we come from you, through you, to get here. So I think there's a beautiful anatomy of that, Bob, that we can't forget.

Now, I'm going to ask you guys about this. I'm a little different in my— Please. So a lot of women believe, I'm looking for a friend. I want to be going to be friends first, right? I don't believe in that. I believe in you let me know that you're romantically interested, then we build a friendship. Because once you do that, you not getting out of that friend place, right? So a lot of women have been put in the friend zone. How would you suggest that they pursue something or position themselves so they're not?

So as you mentioned, I believe in you can be friends with stated interest. Yes. So there has to be an expression of interest. If that's not there, it can really go left. But here's the reality of a man putting you in the friend zone. There's only two reasons. And like Bobby said earlier, I love y'all, so this might hurt some, but listen, just keeping it real, okay? There's only two reasons. One, he either does view you as the one he wants to be with, but truly feels like he's not ready, whether that's running the streets or whatever. So friendship is a way to put a placeholder and keep you there until he's ready. But I think that man's going to show you in a lot of different ways that he does have this future plan for people. The other reason why the man friend zones you is a lack of attraction. Lack of physical attraction is pretty much the number one reason. I had a client where she told me where this guy she was best friends with one day said to her, he just looked at her and he shook his head and said, damn, if you were just 20 pounds lighter. You'd be the one. Now, she didn't go to the gym, right? No, she, she knew it. Because the problem is a lot of people hear that and the first thing to do is get offended. Yes. You know, and take it the wrong way rather than understanding. It's almost like if you looked at a dude and said, damn, you just made— you just had a job, you could be the one. That sounds reasonable, right?

I mean, that sounds reasonable, right?

But it's the same thing. It's just the flip side. We're conditioned to accepting that kind of critique, not the whole weight and physical appearance critique. And so to me, if it's attraction thing, you're never stuck in the friend zone with a man. Once the attraction is strong enough, he ain't keeping you there. All right. He'd be willing to cross some lines at the very least sexually. Not saying that's the goal, but we're just saying. He's going to be willing to go past that, but I think it's just going back to the original question, making sure you state interest and making sure that you understand why you're even there. I think have a conversation with the man. Why does he not want to move past the friend zone with you? There may be other reasons why. He may think you're super cool, but you're too difficult to deal with. All right, because people have to understand how you aren't Friendship may not be how you are romantically.

Okay, say that again, because I try to tell them, I'm like, because people say, well, you know, you should date my friend because he a great guy. And it's like, but he's a great guy as your friend. You don't know why all his relationships don't work out because you— he's not going to show you that romantic side of who he is.

Absolutely. And again, we have to understand what it takes to be friends and what it takes to be lovers is two different things. And to reiterate the point earlier, attraction is a big part of that. That whenever you hear someone say, uh, you know, they have this best friend— why aren't you with your best friend? They say, I'm not attracted to them like that. That's the number one reason why they say it. So again, once we eliminate the attraction, but again, taking inventory of what other issues it might be, and that's why just having a discussion with the man could clear everything up for you.

I would say, first of all, don't show up as a friend.

A lot of you are showing up— What'd I say, Eric?

Show up as a friend, you're gonna be a friend. If you show up as a side chick, you're gonna be a side chick. If you show up with behavior that alludes to all we're doing is having sex, all you're going to do is have sex. And so I think that's the first thing that really needs to— if you show up, like you show up as a wife, then— What does that look like? Well, showing up as— and there's a big difference between showing up as somebody, "I want to be your girlfriend," versus "I want to be your wife." When somebody shows up in your life like, "I want to be your wife," something is changing now. Like, your life is, as a man, is changing now. It's not later. Like, this whole, like, you can't get the— you can't get the accounting. Yeah, well, nobody's gonna invest in a marriage without getting anything first. We are a lot like men are logical. So like, if it doesn't make any logical sense, then why would we ever do it? I mean, I think the vast majority of men actually want a, a very productive, healthy, flourishing relationship, but it makes no sense to them. That's like, I'm getting in this relationship with you and I got— let's say, for instance, and I'm just telling you, this is how a lot of men think, especially those who have a little bit, but they gotta think like, okay, well, the law is definitely not in my favor if we get a divorce, right? So that's the first reason why I need to be very skeptical about who I choose. The other thing is men aren't good at choosing wives. Most men who get a good wife is because the wife— good wife chose them.

Wait a minute, what did we talk about earlier?

And the reason why she's a a good wife for him because she showed up as a good wife. You understand that?

I want to jump in with an analogy, and I hope y'all understand where I'm going with this, all right?

And don't judge me.

So a great analogy of showing up as a wife in a way that allows you to be able to move things along— it made me think about strippers. Hear me out, all right? Stripper at the strip club, there are strippers who have mastered selling the dream to the customer, all right? She might dance in front of him, she might touch him a little bit, but if he wants more, he has to pay a higher price, all right? And he understands that until— and he believes that all this good is going to come, all the benefits will come if he pays that. You want to go to the boom boom room, all right, well, you got to come out your pocket, you know what I'm saying? To me, it's like, as a woman, when you show up giving that energy, being sweet, and I think something that needs to be highlighted is showing desire and interest. There's a study that shows that there was a guy who surveyed a bunch of people after they got married, coming out of getting the license, and they went asking the men, why'd you marry this woman? And one of the most popular answers they got was, because she liked me. And what that means is that men are so used to having to pursue the woman and jump through all these hoops that when a woman shows desire and interest, that draws him in, all right. But again, it's learning how— I know some of you all worry about, but I don't want to do too much. That's the thing, it's finding that balance of showing him those things, but being in mastering yourself over it to where you don't lose yourself in that process. You are in complete control. So, to even go back to strippers, there are women where they don't even have to— They don't have to do nothing. They're not the best looking. They don't have the best body. But because they know how to talk to the customer the best, they can get paid every week. He will sit there next to them, buy her drinks, everything, come back next week, do it again. Because the key is how you make that man feel in your presence. So when you can do that— and I think adding the idea of presenting yourself as a wife, you show yourself as a woman who's not just easily got. Who is just not throwing herself at somebody. Again, don't confuse showing interest with throwing yourself at them. It's this balance. I think this is where April comes in. That's why when you master your feminine energy, it's your sword, it's your weapon. All right, you are in control now. You can get what you want. And I'll say this one more thing and pass it along. We have been conditioned to thinking that masculine energy is the way to get things done. But I'm going to give you an example. For those of you who have kids, you tell your child to do something, they don't do it. You say it again, they don't do it. So now you buck up and you get real loud because you figure, I got to get aggressive to get them to do it. I want you to one day just pull them in close to you, hug them, and say, please, can you do this for me? Watch what they do. In going softer, you will actually get more out of them. And what's the beauty of going softer is there's no residual damage. See, when you go the masculine route, there's residual damage. There's resentment that takes place. She talk to me like that, I don't understand what her problem. Mama always has an attitude. Negative now just lingers on. But when you go the positive route of getting people to do what you want, now they want to do more for you because they know that you make them feel a certain kind of way. You're so sweet. It's kind of like the No one ever hit a grandmother, you know what I'm saying? It's like someone who presents themselves as soft, people don't try to take advantage of that typically. There are evil people out there, but that's the whole thing.

Yeah, the big thing is you can't win a masculine war with a man. You can't win it. You may win the battle, you will not win the war. You will push them out of the room. You want to know why I ain't go to strip club? I told you, go ahead, ask.

Hey, you got it.

A stripper is the girl on fries on steroids. When he walk through the— when you walk through the door, I'm give you a little preview.

Walk through the door, she's walking by, she sees you walk through the door, Calm down.

Yes, I saw you. It is you. You see everything I'm saying? You agreeing?

Yeah, it's so beautiful, like You already have naked. Now you're kind of like— the important thing I want you to, to get from that is that's the energy environment that men are going into because they don't have it at home.

And let me say this real quick, just so you understand, it's about the femininity and not about the nakedness. There are strippers in there that they go around, "You wanna dance? You wanna dance?" No.

Do some ghetto dancing then.

Their energy is horrible. The ones who have bad energy in the strip club are not winning. Because being naked is not enough. It's really not about that. It's the energy that they're giving off that makes the guy say yes. Does the body help? Of course. Does the beauty help? Absolutely. But it's that energy that makes such a huge difference.

And even to take it a step further from what they're saying, For those of you that read my book, you know I did a whole chapter on that in the strip. Another thing is men who are visionary men. Everybody love the man with the bag, six-pack, six figures, and six feet, right? That's what she said. That's right. I talked about even when men go to the strip club, I talked about how the feminine energy is created. Have you ever noticed men that go to strip clubs that never give a girl any money, but go into the environment and he has a meeting and he's actually expanding his portfolio because of the energy that's in the room, because the feminine energy allows you to create? Women think that the strip club is just sex. Most men, in my opinion, especially my clients when I meet them there, they're not there for sex. They're there for exactly what they're talking about. They get to— they— but here's the thing, even if they are, they know exactly what they're gonna get when they get there. So I would rather pay to be in this energy because women do not show up like this on a day-to-day basis in life. So this is where I'm gonna go. But the fact that they can go into these places, have these business meetings, next thing you know they're making all of this money— it's the energy of the place. They could have could have went somewhere else, but look where they chose to go. It just shows you the power of what the creative femininity is and the sensual sexual side. A lot of women, they only are in the either— I talked to the ungrounded femininity, which is the sexual side, or like my granddaughter, she's just a renegade. And it's about that groundedness. I think that's what they're talking about, knowing that balance and not looking at it as why he always at the strip club. Look at what— as I'm saying, hoes be winning. What do they know?

And it don't just go away once you wifey. You talk about wifey. Listen, we, we're still looking for— if you don't feel like you got to get rid of it, there, where are the hoish tendencies, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't just go away because I have— well, what I'm saying is just there's, there's a difference. Some people, they feel like now that I'm wifey I, you know, oh, I have the wife seat, this is the highest mountain, so I have to be real and, you know, and then the fun just leaves, you know. Where's the spontaneous things that you did? Because remember, he mentioned something earlier. I showed up, you showed up, and then you forget that all of a sudden there's one side of the individual putting in all the work, you know. So what happened to all those, uh, the end the smell good, the perfume, and you know, the heels and all that you did when we dated. And then we got closer, we got to the next step, now all of a sudden we're married and it's like, I'm wholesome.

The other side of what you're saying, I'm glad you mentioned that because I get a lot of women that— or I hear a lot of men say that, what you're saying. But have you ever heard of the Madonna Whore Syndrome? Yes. You know, I'm going with that.

I know of that. What?

And what that is, is Everything you were doing prior to marriage to get him, once you get married, he don't want to do those same things with his wife, because that's not good anymore. I can do that with the woman that is the whore, but I don't want to see my wife as that. So then what happens when she wants to be in her whore tendencies, but now she has a man that she can't do that with? Because of Auntie Dee. He's like, "That ain't me." Go ahead, what you got?

I think that goes back to— I can think of the situations that I know of, and I think the argument can be made that you chose the wrong person to be with, period. And you did not take a deep enough dive into understanding who this man was, how he's going to operate. I think, again, too many times, women understand connection. Women understand the deeper depths that we need to go into relationships. But when women see something that they want, they forget about all that. They just go into, okay, this is what I want, I'm going to make it happen. And because of that, you will overlook the red flags, you rationalize past things, you will try to find a way to make this man fit into your life. But it's a huge mistake. And then again, it also happens because if you weren't showing your— if you If you knew you was a freak from day one, all right, and you meet this man and you want to talk like you Mother Teresa now and present yourself as this, you know, nun, then this is how you set yourself up for disaster because he thinks I'm marrying this conservative woman. Again, how you start, can you sustain that? If you cannot sustain being that simple conservative woman, it's going to come out at some point and the whole thing is going to be destroyed. So I think it's just being being forthcoming. And listen, you don't have to have sex to show that you're sexual, all right? So for those of you who are concerned, well, how do I navigate this without giving myself? It's just having conversation. Listen, if a woman said to a man, listen, if you marry me, I will fulfill every last of your desires, that's going to excite a man. You know, we don't hear that, all right? That's not a regular thing that's said. Most women are saying what they want and will do. Yeah, they might say, I might give this a try No, if you're saying, I'm a woman who believes that I will fulfill my man's desires, that, and of course you guys have a connection, the energy and everything, is enough for a man to say, okay, I at least know what I— or at least believe I'm getting into something that I'm going to enjoy here. But don't present something that you're not, because it's just a setup for disaster every time.

And ask about fetishes. Make sure you ask them questions, because you can say you fulfill the desire but not know what you're going to be doing.

Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

Do you feel like women vet men properly?

I don't even think women get to know men. Explain. I've had women who literally are trying to figure out, are we going to marriage or something like that? And I've told you this, and I'll say, what's my son's name? You don't even know my son's name. What are my needs as a man that you want to make your husband? And they have no clue. They have a guess, and it's usually wrong. And so what they don't understand about men is a lot of women are hiding parts of who they are. We just don't know how to express it. And so unless you have a conversation and you dive deep in it, You're not going to know. And so my big thing is that it's like most of the time women, it's like, how can you even go there? You don't even know why. Because this has all been all about you. And now it's easy for us, especially like men, good, you know, want to be great and aim to please, that kind of thing. It's easy to just sit back and go like, ah, I ain't had no man like this. This is so great. And you just forget there's anything for you to do because you're like, damn, it happens. She exhales. No, him.

And that's the key. It's— we have to learn. I think this is men and women. We have to learn it's actually more important to figure out what you're going to have to give rather than what you're going to receive in this relationship. Because it's almost like— it's the reason why people end up in bad jobs. They see that it's okay paying me $100 grand, it's giving me vacation, application days, boom boom boom, but they don't understand the depth of what they're going to be put through at that job. What's going to be required of them? What kind of work environment is this? It's the same thing with relationships. Women get so caught up in this great man that has all these things on his resume that I want, but what would I have to give in return? And am I prepared to give it? And there's nothing wrong with saying I don't like that level of having gift. It's almost like— listen, almost anybody wants to drive around a Bentley, right? Not everybody, but there's a lot of people that want to have this nice expensive car. But when they get to the dealership and realize the maintenance is high, the payment is high, all right, and there might be some other things that come along with driving this car that you don't care for, there's nothing wrong with saying, you know what, well, maybe this car really ain't for me. I wanted it. Sorry, but it doesn't make— it's not going to don't make me happy because what's required of me is too much. Let me go drive me a nice Maxima, I don't know, whatever, all right, and be happy with my Maxima. Because here you find a balance of it's giving me what I need and I'm happy with what I have to give. That's what she's giving. Yes, much is expected.

And being mindful too. Look, I had a question right there.

Whoa, there's April Mason pointing at both of us. I'm sorry. Thank you. It's for the gentleman in the middle. Dr. Go ahead, Tiffany.

That's a really good point because you got to understand, like, most women don't even know what really matters to And they make an assumption. They're like, oh, he love healing people. That's my calling. That's the work that God gave me to do. I'm obedient to it. But that's not necessarily what I feel makes me— that's not what I'm everything to. And a lot of people make assumptions like that. They'll know what everybody else knows on IG and Facebook. And you don't know anything else.

There's something else too, and I don't know if it goes against what we're talking about, and the comparisons of the word like, you know, we want somebody like this or like that. Hence, let me say, with fathers, whether, you know, and I don't want to go into deep details whether the father was in your life or not in your life, there's a tendency to also want to date or have a man that's like your father. Now, there are attributes that if you had your father— father figure around, good work ethics, you know, peaceful, polite, whatever— it's great. But you would never get to come close to anything like someone, because that's almost like a carbon copy. I said to say this, I had a conversation with Father Long one time, and we were talking about my wife, which was his daughter. We just sitting there talking, and he was saying like, yeah, my My daughter, she's just like me. I said, yeah, Mr. Warren. I said, yeah, she's just like me. He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, 'cause I raised her blah, blah, blah. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, it just hit me. I said, Mr. Warren, I do respect, sir. That's your daughter, and you love her as a daughter, and that love with her, I wouldn't compare to it, but you would never know her as a wife. And so there was a tendency in the marriage between my wife and my father that beyond the attributes, she wanted someone just like her father. I would find myself saying, I'm not your father. You didn't marry your father. Listen, we are men. We may like Twixes. He likes to run. I may like to run. But you did not marry your father because you're getting your wants. And every day yours is showing up, you're going to get upset because you're looking for something from your father. And I keep showing up, and you're upset because you're looking for dad stuff. Yeah, and I'm yours. And so just keep that in mind. Even— and I'm using fathers as a pinpoint, but that's with any other— the past date. Oh, I got a lot, got 50% out of that, I want that. And then I'm gonna make that comparison. Can you do this? And that may not be You know what I'm saying? So we got likes and comparisons that we have to be very mindful of too as we are looking for what we want, you know.

And that's big because a lot of you are showing up trying to change the man. You can't change the man.

This is not a question, this is just observation. I would just like to thank y'all for coming and smelling so good because the whole time I was like, who that have walked through the door smelling like men? Thank you. Okay, well, yeah, what, what you said, so funny when you said, uh, people come up with their own notions of what you are. So, you know, we real tight, and women stay in my DMs. I told them I'm start charging them rent. I'm like, bro, listen, I'm thinking these people were— I'm like, oh, ding ding, oh, who am I? They asking about him. But the funny thing is, it's how they— because they don't know him, how they perceive him to be. And I'm sitting here I'm like, oh, that's what you— that's what you think? You think you gonna get the man who's gonna stand in your ass? You know what sound goes? And I was so annoyed. I said, you know I ain't gonna slap shit out of nobody, right? She's like, no, because he's so mellow. And you're so thick. I'm like, are you asking me or are you telling me, right? He's very, it's very important to not put our view, just because it come in the aesthetic. That's what it is. When it come in the aesthetic that you like, you tend to want to put your expectations of what that thing should be and how it should operate. And then when it doesn't, that's when I believe the struggle, the control, the pushing comes in, of trying to turn the wheel a little bit. Oh no, he looks like on paper and, you know, aesthetic, that's exactly what I like. So maybe he won't be what she said he is. No, this is what I am. This is who I am. Can you accept what it is that I am? And I think that's where women get upset and say, see, and label him as all these other things. Like, just men in general just put this label— he ain't want no wife, he ain't looking for no— it's all of this. Was that— what is it that you try to put your expectations on what your desire was. And as women, I knew I had been guilty, uh, you know, of that, because I had told him about why I ain't no hoe. And I was trying. I'm like, I said, I can spot 6'4" like 3 miles away. And I was telling him all about him, but he wasn't fitting in what I needed them to fit in. And I'm like, it he can just tweak it, just— and he just sitting there listening like, oh really? But he fit the aesthetic, and it goes back to what you said, he was, uh, he had a lot of my grandfather's attributes, that brawny type, you know, I like the kind of brawny guys that like cut down trees and stuff, so he was kind of like that, he looked like Denzel on Training Day, so I was trying to make him— that's what you do. But the more I went on, and I couldn't go against what I knew to be right, although I know I like the aesthetic of it, it's not actually fitting in the box. So we have to make sure that we're very mindful of that, because I was trying to put my granddaddy in it and trying to—

that's beautiful because you, you have the attributes. Those are attributes of men, so you can't say you have not seen it or something close to what it should— let's say appear to be, but the sense of something, right? So that's great that's there, but then again, we're trying to shape something, you know, into what it is, and that— that the clay just don't fit what you have in your head.

Yeah, and that's hugely important because, you know, as I said in the beginning, like, a lot of people are looking for people who are comparable— my granddad, my dad— you need to look for somebody who's complimentary to you. And what's going to happen is you're going to get your dad, get your granddad, going to realize they're good as a granddad and a dad, but not husband. And that's where you're going to be a fool. So you need to find somebody who's actually complimentary to who you are. And also, this is important, you need to make sure that you're complimentary to them, because ultimately what will happen is if you're— if they're complimentary to you when you're not to them, there's going to be a void for them later, and the relationship isn't going to go right. And you're going to be figuring out why, and then all of a sudden all of these needs and non-negotiables are coming out. You're like, where this come from?

And then you, then you can force him, because then there's this nature of exuding, and I'm not doing enough. So then now you want to force him Soon say, no, it's not you, maybe it's me. Now he comes outside of himself and he starts shaping himself into something that he's originally not. He's being who he is. And so then we have all those things that begin to happen, and then we're all far off from the original map of the world because now we got to create some type of compass to bring us back. We just, we just been navigating left, right, we just all over the place, you know. So any questions?

So what was it about your wife that made you say this is the one?

Wow. So I was— this is my second marriage. First marriage, you know, uh, once it dissolved, uh, I spent 3 years regrouping myself. First of all, you know, it's not talked enough about whether you go through a breakup or divorce. I had to heal, so I knew that was something I needed to do, get to know who I am, because I had My first marriage was like 9 years married, real young, right? So I said, I got to figure out who I am because I was a father and a husband. Who the hell's your wife now, right? In a divorce, I took 3 years. I was a single full-time father. Thank God to my mother who showed me, you know, what single parents would do. As a single parent, I did that. And then my wife, she was career-driven. And we met again at this conference. And I was the one that was like, again, I have children, so in my head, Remember, keep in mind, I never saw anybody date my mom. We didn't see men come in and out, so I had a fear nobody would talk to me to date me because I have children and I'm divorced now. So my wife would come around and try to talk and call, I push her away. Now go pursue your life, go to New York. Yeah, do it, I think you should do it. No, no, cuz I didn't think I was good enough in my regrouping and restoration. I would be this guy who would, again, exteriorly she was this former pageant queen. Just look like I'm not that dude. Talk about assumptions about what we compare. And, uh, she tried to invite me out to eat, meet her parents early, went through the whole nine yards, some birthday event. I said no, no, no, no, no. And now here we get to spiritual things because I'm a man of faith. And somehow she came by my job, she had noticed in her observation— because here's where observations —study is important. Observe and study. She noticed something that she hadn't even tapped into. Not because it was a Wednesday night Bible study. It was because this was a man of faith. Because even in our conversations, I talked about my faith and what I believe. She finally asked, uh, would you like to go to Bible study tonight? So out of all the people at that time that I could have dated— because see, I'm also a film actor, so I had people who were interested in me, but I thought they was interested interested in me because they seen him on TV, right? So either they wanted the actor but not yours, or either— because one of the things I pat myself on, I'm not going to say I'm a— I've been perfect as a husband. I'm a nasty husband, right? I would say I'm a great father. So either women would date me because they know I love my children, really great with my children, love my children, but they didn't want yours. He's a great father, I don't want him. So finally, To me, I just felt like that was like a turning point because my faith is important to me, all things that I do. So when she asked me that, from there we kind of went from that to the next thing, to the next thing. She tried everything. It was like, ooh, come by, maybe you see her, you know, who I meet. She looked real doll pretty. That works. That's great. I see you, right? It's not grabbing on a digit. Work with dating. See beautiful women. They there, you know? Um, but that's, that's what it was. And so, um, that's how we got to where we were, you know.

Yeah. So what does—

speak up, sorry. No, no, go ahead. So what are some of the things that women can do to make you feel at ease so that you can show up as yourself? Because a lot of men do a lot to impress us, especially in the early stages. Yeah.

Like, what can we do to tell you that it's okay, you know, show me who Um, well, you have to create the environment for that because showing you who I really am, I have to be vulnerable to be able to do that. And so the only way I can do that is in an environment of feminine energy, one, and then it also has to feel like a safe space as well. And the way you make the man feel safe is by creating peace in his life. And so there's many ways you can do that. I'm sure April can go to town on that.

No, actually I can't. Reason why is because there's nothing that you can do with everything that you can be. Mhm. You can't do anything to make a man feel more comfortable. That's strategy now. That's in the head. It's who you're being. Like when you just talked about the creating a safe space and peace, if you're a peaceful woman, you're going to show up as show up as that. If you're a considerate person, you're going to show up as that. If you're selfish, you're going to show up as that. So I think we have to get out of our head that we have to find what strategy to do this, 10 things to do this. But we got to get out of that and learn how to just be what a feminine woman is. That's the draw. And your energy always precedes you. I always wonder why men just tell me everything the moment they meet me. It's like their whole mouth just that you gotta read at the mouth.

Because you know why? That's that we talk, you know what I'm saying? We talk, talk and say we work together. It's because, again, go back to earlier, I made a statement that says, uh, sometimes, uh, uh, we, we want to be ourselves but not be seen. And then for others, it's about being seen but not being judged. It's two different things. So when I hear You've asked a question about what can you do. Femininity, again, it is also a vault of trust. Someone else in research would say, why do men marry? Somebody would say they don't marry because of love. It's because of trust. The relationship evolves because we get closer and closer to— if I'm vulnerable, that means I trust you more. I open up more. I open up— because we were built to be strong. Remember 5 years old, why you crying? Wipe the tears off. You just scraped your knee. Stop all that crying. What you crying for? All right, cry one more time. No, you just whooped me.

That's crazy.

You know what pain feel like?

Let me get the belt and whoop you, Mom or Dad, and let you see what pain feels like. We have to mask, right? We mask also our truth. You know, we saw things. We saw— guys, you know, y'all by yourselves. We see things that affect us, but we have to be this— Uh, you know, you believe Spider-Man, Superman, because he fly, because you just believe he can do it. And that's the nature of what has been put in us, because be men and be men. But when you bring us that vault of trust, then we will come to you and we share things. And I don't feel judged, and then I don't also feel like— yeah, and I, I, we didn't walk away and not necessarily going, what, she going to share with a girlfriend or share with somebody else? Just really like, I, I can, I can something. It's a sense. It's just an intuitive sense that I have this person, this woman in my life where I can just, uh, it's not the Samson and Delilah thing. Because see, Delilah meant to get, you know, we're trying to get to Samson's strength. And we're not manipulating love, and we're manipulating nurturing and femininity. Come on, Samson, lay in my head. Lay your head in my lap, because I'm trying to find the strength to destroy you. With the opposite of that. I'm gonna lay my hand on you loud because I really want to heal. And not because I see you as my mother or anything else. I just want to be myself because we want for ourselves too. There's an identity chasing of ourselves that we have all the time. So that's what that is, you know. So he said it perfect. Just show up as you. We were sensitive. You know how you have senses?

We have senses too.

They think men are just bored of emotions. And just— we have no triggers or anything. One of the largest things on all of us in this room that we have that has indicators in you that allow you to be able to assess your environment is the human skin. It's the first sense that you get that gives you, uh, it's a knuckle disc that allows you— you feel heat, that's heat. When it's cold, it's cold. When you feel a threat, something not right. I know that's the gut, but it's in your body, the human skin, that That's a miracle. It allows you to connect to things, to people, to social interactions. So when I feel like, dang, beyond attraction, oh, I'm hurt. I just want to talk to her. I don't know what it is about her. You know, we give. Yeah, go ahead, sir.

What I want to add is, and it kind of piggybacks on you and what you mentioned about just being you. Part of being you has to be not being a judgmental person. I think we underestimate explaining how if you go on that date and a woman passed by and you're judgy towards her, that now throws a red flag to him. Like, oh, wait a minute, I can't— I'm not happy to talk about certain things. If you're judgmental towards your family members, whoever, that is a light to do it. And so I think, again, I really think that one of the things that women can do is understand how are you with kids, because a woman can be very judgmental kid, she's very understanding. All right, a child makes a mistake, she's trying to be compassionate, understand, explain. But if it's an adult, when you grow up, you should know better. End of story, right? But if you have that same energy that you have with a child with, uh, people, then you're going to be able to not be more compassionate and understanding in those moments. And that energy will transfer into you exuding more feminine energy. See what I'm saying? So It's really learning to stop with the judgmental, because the reality is that we've all been through different things. We, we all have different reasons and triggers why we've done what we've done. There are deeper explanations that we don't always understand. And when we take an approach that says, you know what, I don't— this person may have done something I don't like, but there may be a reason for this. Let me try to understand them rather than judge them. And that kind of energy allows people to open open up to you so much more.

So if you want to give peace, you got to be peace.

I just want to know for y'all two, do either of you feel like that there was a time that you feel like maybe you came close to, like you was dating a female and you thought that she was the one? Yeah, absolutely.

I definitely did.

And what happened? I ain't gonna give all the details, but I'll give a little bit, all right? As far as initially, honestly, so she actually slid in my Twitter DMs, all right? And she was just saying, I read your book, I love it, blah blah blah. And I was like, thank you. I always get DMs like that. I ain't think nothing of it. She was pretty, but I was like, all right, whatever, just another person. But I don't know, something in me said keep talking to her. Like, I left her— I usually responded and delete the DM. I didn't. I just kind of left it there. Weeks later, I think she just said one more thing, and I was like, hey, you know, what city are you in? If you're ever in Atlanta, let's go out, uh, have dinner sometime. She gave me her number. We talked, and from day one, be like, there was just a feeling. And it goes back to that feeling of peace. I literally felt— and I understand I'm a very intuitive spiritual person I'll pick up on things in a way that other people may not pick up on. But yeah, it was just peace. It was this desire to talk to her and all these things. Fast forward, and there's a lot of details of the situation. She felt it too. It was very intense, very fast. But connection scares the unhealed heart. True love scares the unhealed heart. So for her, It was like at first it was just going, going, going. And what happens with women is like you guys get so caught up in the moment, but then you have that moment where you step away and it's like, holy crap, what the hell's going on here? And it's like, wait a minute, this man has me feeling way too vulnerable, has me way too open than I'm used to. Not only that, it's like when you're dating a guy that you like, but you're not really into like that, you're not stressing over every little detail. He didn't call me now. You have— there's more pace to it. When you feel that connection, now you become more consumed by it. And again, that can cause you to feel like you're losing yourself. But here's the key about that, and I think you have to understand this for those of you who may not have healed yet. You're not losing yourself, you're finding yourself. What's happening is over the years you built up this wall, you became hardened because you're trying to protect yourself. All that masculine energy that you exude, that's protection, that's defense mechanism, all right? It's not who you are. And now when that man you connect with makes you vulnerable, he's pulling you out of that, back to who you were from the beginning, back to who you were before you got hurt by that first man. Because what happens to women, the first time y'all get hurt, y'all say to yourself, I ain't never going to let this happen to me again. And now you start trying to navigate and analyze everything to avoid getting hurt. So she She ran. She ran.

Plain and simple. Uh, very similar scenario. Uh, I had a girl I was, uh, in the chemistry program with in undergrad, and the first day we met, we held hand like— hands like this and just stared at each other. She had a boyfriend, and so I told her, I said, as long as you have a boyfriend, I'm going to leave you alone. But we remained very close friends. She went to dental school, I went to I was in pharmacy school and I think I was working for the FDA. We hadn't talked in like a year because we were both in clinicals. And she just called me out of the blue and she said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm in DC." She said, "What are you doing at FDA?" And she said, "Can I come?" I said, "Sure." She was there in like 4 hours. And she lived in New York at the time. And she was just like, "I love you." I left my boyfriend. They had been together like 10 years. And so we just stayed up talking all night. And I said, I can't love you the way I need to love you without you fixing this first. And so I think I gave her a couple months. She came back. I still sensed that she wasn't fixed. And I'm using fixed, but that's not the right word. Yeah. And so, um, but she didn't listen to me. And this is really important: when a man, a good man, gives you instruction, listen to them, especially when it's for the greater good of both of you. And what I told her was, I said, you need to heal from that, and once you heal from that, everything for us is just going to go this way. And, uh, She told me she was hetero, and even though I knew she wasn't, like, I said, okay, let's just make it work. And maybe like a year later— no, no, maybe like 6 months later into the relationship, I mean, this is somebody who texts me like this all day, like, hey, here's a picture, hey, I love you, hey, my mom said hi, you know, those kind doing my thing. And then for a whole day I didn't hear from her. And so like, that's crazy, right? So I hit her up, I said, when you— when you're through going through what you're going through, let's talk. And so she just was like, okay. And we had a conversation. It was because she wasn't healed from that relationship, because of like, she was connected with the family and all of these things. She just felt horrible about leaving the relationship the way she did. And so I told her, I said, go. I said, if it works, it works, and if it doesn't, like, we'll figure it out. And when she came back, I was just in another place at that time. And so it was unfortunate, but when she was ready, I wasn't ready. I mean, I wasn't there anymore with her.

I'm trying to get also another clear definition because people often— okay, well, I'm gonna take time to heal. I mean, does that just mean if you say the person's name, like, your stomach don't hurt no more? Or just—

nah, nah, nah, nah. It's more about forgiveness and acceptance. And I would say like 60% acceptance. A lot of times when—

because relationships can feel like—

yeah, I mean, I feel like you can accept it, right? But you'll still still be down. Like, you can accept it.

That's not acceptance.

And when I'm— let me— can I give you what I mean by that? Is that, you know, like, at some point when somebody passes, like, there's this whole period of denial. Like, are they really dead? Why did God do this? Like, there's this period of denial. When that period of being in denial ends, you can really grieve. So then you go through a period of grieving, and then after the period of grieving goes through, now you can go through a period of acceptance. Once you go through acceptance, now you can heal. Most people don't go through the full phase. They try to go straight to acceptance, you know. They don't acknowledge the denial, like, yo, this relationship was over. They don't acknowledge what their part in that relationship being over, you know, they, they shift all the blame. And when you shift blame, there's no acceptance. You see what I'm saying? If you accept blame, you can't have acceptance. It's impossible. And so healing feels like, I appreciate— like, for instance, with, with this girl, despite the fact that this is the person that I wanted to marry, I wanted to be with, my acceptance looks and It feels like I'm glad I had that experience because I'm the best version of me when I love somebody like that. And so that's what I learned from that. I learned that I'm the best version of me when I'm loving like that. That's what acceptance is when you get to a lesson like that.

And also with healing, you have to get things off your chest. Too many people have not released their true emotions and feelings about the situation. And so You're suppressing it, you're holding on to it, and you also have to understand that it's not just about healing from the previous relationship. Chances are there's stuff from your childhood you didn't heal from. And so you're trying to fix one thing, but it's like got 4 wheels in the car, you want to fix one wheel, but the other wheel is still broken, you know what I'm saying? So you got to go through all of it. But part of what that looks like is, to me, is one, not being afraid to be vulnerable anymore. Again, it's the lack of healing that causes us to fear vulnerability, you know what I'm saying? Having a more positive outlook on relationships and love. If you still have a negative outlook on relationships and love, then you have not healed. If you have a negative outlook on men, you have not healed, you know what I'm saying? Anything that has come negative from those experiences means you still have some work to do. So when you can get to it— and it doesn't mean we're perfect or anything like that, it just means that we understand that good exists, we set ourselves free from how we feel. As Bobby said, there is acceptance, there is forgiveness of what this person did. There's also forgiveness of ourselves for any mistakes we hold over our own head. Because some people haven't healed because they're still beating themselves up over things they did. And when we put that all together, then we can walk in healing.

You guys good?

You enjoying? Are you listening? All right. Well, I do not want to —more with both of them. What I do have something about the— so a lot of ladies said that they are afraid of men. That was one of the first questions that I asked.

I know she been afraid of men.

Ladies think that they were afraid of men, and I'm like, yes, afraid. So tonight we're going out. I get to take them out to one of Atlanta's little clubs, and we're going to have a good time. I want to see what the ladies do. I want to see if they, they learn something. But ladies, I would invite for you to show me what you learned about flirting with the fellas, because we going out tonight. My wife first. Going out tonight. Okay, we going in. All right. Okay, he might show up for you. Okay, yes, you show up for me and I'll show up for you. Take notes, you listening? So here's, here's the scenario. We're at the club tonight, right? And you ladies will be sitting down and there'll be like group of gentlemen, what do you do? Get up! I don't want to hear no words. Get up! Get up! I'm trying to get y'all prepared for this evening because I don't want— I'm going to be sitting down. I'm not there, but I'm going to be watching. So the last group of ladies, when we did this, they didn't— you guys didn't have, um, any, uh, pre-training. They just had to go out. And they was nervous. So you guys already shared with me that you're afraid of men. That was the first one of the first questions that I asked, and y'all got a little nervous. But we are in here, so if they run the club tonight and you all cute and sexy and everything, don't watch me, show me. Now let's switch it to where a man was approaching you. So, step by me. I'm the worst person to talk to. Come on, I'm going to experience you too. Do we need to slide in your DMs?

Because you do have men who— not— that's not necessarily their forte. Exactly.

And then you have When somebody sees somebody else, they're afraid of you.

That's a good point.

But the thing— and April doesn't like that either— but the important thing I want you to know is the same way some of you are shy, some of us are shy too. That's being a human. Yeah, it doesn't mean that you're not masculine. It doesn't mean that you can't be assertive with other things. But I think it's important because the same way she's like, I don't like when a man does that, Yeah, yeah, I get it. But understand, like, that shyness is probably just the initial phase, but it can move on, you know. Like, and that's the thing, like, once it comes out of that initial— I was hungry.

I don't know. No, maybe the real energy, because he got me on live when we were filming, and I, you know, I am never lost for words. And I don't know if it was the character or what he was doing, but pick somebody, and she's in the club, and you can go on over to introduce yourself.

Wow, okay. Uh, how you doing?

Well, even better now. But you know what, I was about to bring something up though.

You were smiling, you were looking at something over here, and in my, in my mind, right, I was at the club. Don't think God's not watching you. We're not just watching just the first bad one walk in, her legs shine. When you start smiling, I'm not telling you to force something, like force a smile, but the moment you start smiling, I said, oh, this person, I'm married, but I'm still going, damn, cuz you beautiful, you beautiful. This lady back here I've been waiting for you to smile. I sit right here. Y'all together, all the people that sent out statements, I've been sitting right here. I do this. What you got to keep in mind, my career is built on like physical interaction, right? So I've been observing and I've sat right here. And then I don't know if you saw me right here. She been like that though. I was waiting for you, even if it was a little small, kind of like, like, stop looking. It was a smile. I've been waiting for you. I want you to smile the entire time you're here, because once you smile, man, it's just a light bulb. It's an energy. I'm not saying you're going to send the wrong signal, but it's a magnet, you know what I'm saying? That's the first thing we see with our beautiful Black queens. We see that beautiful— ah, man, you know, and we just got it, you know.

So smile is peace. Yeah, yeah. And he blushes. I love life, vainness.

It's also a green light for them to come over. Yeah, because you know, the shy girl, smile. Smile.

Yeah, y'all, there's wine, there's red, there's white, and there's blush. If he makes you blush, wear wine. Wear that blush. It's good.

Any more questions for the fellas?

I don't have a question, I have a comment.

You know, when I think about my entire adult life, this is very freeing for me. Um, before I met April in my, in my 20s, I was the feminine girl, right? And it was letting other people in my head, other girlfriends, you know, they need to know about you and, you know, what you got and all this stuff. And then when I started trying to conform to that, I saw the disconnect, you know, because I'm thinking I gotta tell them what I do and, you know, all this stuff, which is not important. Which was so— what I knew back then and what April has shown us now, knowing her since 2019, I can't be nothing but me. This all God gave me. And so because of that, just hear the, the male, the men's perspective, right? And to be in a safe space with women, because we're learning to be that woman again. April, I have to thank you. Oh, thank you. For women of color, we've been taught so long to fight