Behind The Spotlight: Ashley Armstrong

Welcome to another episode of Behind the Spotlight with Beth Nightingale. Today my guest will be Ashley Armstrong. So excited to have her here. She's actually one of my oldest, uh, post-pandemic friends that I'm still connected with, and she does amazing stuff. I'd love to have— here she comes— I'd love to have her on. I'm going to add her up. All she needs is viewer request. Expert. She's a celebrated entrepreneur, author, and speaker, and she's a renowned authority on success dynamics, which I think is pretty cool. And she's going to have her come up and join. There she is!

Oh my gosh, girl, how are you doing?

I'm so happy to see you.

I know, it's been a hot minute, hasn't it?

I know, I know. But I love how you're still the hidden rules expert. But now you've just done a TED Talk. How was that?

Oh my gosh. Do you really want me to go into that?

No.

It was good. It was good. The funny thing is that you and I have known each other for years now. As you said, I think I caught in like post or before pandemic and everything else like that. And that's all very true. And at that time, over the last 3 years, I had applied to join TED a few times and got denied. And then finally this year, about August, September, I applied again, got accepted, and finally, and I had my TED Talk in December. And the interesting thing was, is you know how it is, especially for us entrepreneurs. Sometimes when we think we're ready for something and then, you know, we don't get what we want. And then all of a sudden, you know, time goes by, you know, more knowledge, experience, whatnot, you know, gets added to your life, you know, your toggles on your belt, I guess you could say. And then when you finally do get accepted for what it is that you're wanting, it's like, oh, I wasn't ready yet.

Now I'm ready.

Now I'm ready. Now I actually have something I can talk about, something that I feel is worth being on the TED stage. And so, yeah, it was absolutely amazing. I had a few glitches when I was doing it, technically, like the monitor went down. I was like the first person, second person to go out. My monitor went down, which of course we like memorize our speech and whatnot, but you still, you know, it's 15 minutes. So, and it's just actually a little bit longer than it's supposed to be in my case. That went down and they had the wrong speech as well, which is all like they had an old version of it. So it was just kind of crazy. I'm like, oh my God. And there was like 12 of us. So I'm just— I went to my director. And I'm just like, you know, I would love to do this again, you know, blah, blah, blah, all these issues. So I ended up staying there from 5 o'clock at night. And I went back on stage when we were completely done at 10:30, 11 o'clock at night to redo my speech, which I know is not something that you normally do. And you don't normally do it. But I was pushing very, very, very, very hard.

Great. I'm so glad you did.

Yeah, and it just went live a couple weeks ago. I'm really proud of it. Of course, I'm like my worst enemy. I'm like, oh my God, you got all these side shots and you're seeing my nose and all these things that I don't like or whatever. But if you like ignore all the stupid things that we pick apart about ourselves, I'm very, very proud and honored that I had the chance to bring that message to light. And it really is the very first stone in this pathway that I'm building, this new passion project, which is all about, you know, your success monster and helping high achievers deal with the aftermath of success. So not only are they building out their goals appropriately, but they're also able to handle what is going to happen after you accomplish those goals because no one talks about it. It's like this quiet, silent struggle that all of us high achievers, entrepreneurs, athletes, whatever, you know, anyone who is taking action in their lives, what we experience, you know, psychologically, what happens in our brain. Like, no one talks about this message. So it was, it was a lot of fun, and I'm very proud of it. So yeah, book's coming out soon. So it's all based on the TED Talk. So yeah, I love—

I watched, and I did not notice your nose or anything else. I just was watching my beautiful friend who's accomplished a lot in her life accomplish more. I know my people don't know, but you were a professional skier, right? Like, you've done lots of things. You work with Dan Hollings and the plan, that $70 million training program that you were a part of. And now you have this monster book. So tell us a little bit more about the— I think you called it The Hidden Struggles, Visible Successes?

Yeah, the book that's coming out right now, my publisher has it. So we will see how long it takes to kind of come to light. But it's, it's Success Monster: Conquering the Unseen Challenges of High Achievers, or High Achievement, excuse me. Again, it's really based off of the TED Talk that was really, again, the first stone in this pathway. And it just kind of dives into that just a little bit more. And then it links off to my archetype quiz for people to figure out what type of Success Monster they are. So it's really important to know who you are, how you're dealing with things, how you kind of just naturally do things in the world of high achievement. And then after that, you can, you know, build out an action plan on how to help yourself move forward. So all of that's almost in place. But yeah, it's technically The Success Monster is the name of the book.

I love that you're talking about it because I, you know, you know me well enough. I'm one of those, I'm like, okay, done, move on. I don't, I don't celebrate it. I work with it. What are the top 3 mistakes do you think people make after they hit a certain level of success?

Oh gosh, top 3, that's a very loaded question.

Just 3, doesn't need to be top.

Yeah, well, you know, everyone's scenario is different, so it's definitely hard to pinpoint what the top ones could be. But I'd say you nailed it, number 1, we don't take time to, you know, give ourselves a pat on the back. Which is really interesting. You know, like if someone happens to have kids, I have kids, you have kids, you know, we do a very good job of celebrating everyone else around us. You did this, you have the school play, da da da da, whatever that might be. And we're like, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. But when it comes to us, especially entrepreneurs, at least in my case, it's just, as you said, check, move on, check, move on, check, move on. You know what I mean? It's just crazy rat wheel that we put ourselves in. Which really is actually the hedonic treadmill, which I did end up talking about that a little bit in the speech. But it's, it's really just slow the F down, celebrate yourself, take a moment, whatever you do to celebrate. Some people celebrate with a drink. Some people celebrate the dinner. Some people celebrate, you know, getting together with their friends and kind of reliving the moment so that you can like really anchor in that feeling and make it something that was worthwhile. You know, like I did this one thing and it wasn't just something, it's worthwhile of my time, energy, effort, and possibly or money investment. The other thing that a lot of people, especially for high achievers, need— the top thing that they really need to be aware of is that we're humans and our brains are a pharmacy. I don't think anyone needs to be told that. We understand that we have a crap ton of chemicals that are constantly going through us. And recognizing signs and symptoms after you end up accomplishing something, which generally speaking, if it's a small goal, you're going to have a small little bit of a drop, going to have a little bit of a post-success blues, as I like to we could call it. In severe cases, it can be post-success depression. And severe, severe cases, people end up taking their lives, which is the main reason why I really wanted to bring this message to the masses, to the general public, because I can't handle seeing amazing people go down the road where they can't come back again because they were not aware of the signs and symptoms of what happens with their brains. It just floods with so many chemicals. We have this massive dopamine, this massive adrenaline. And then as soon as you finish, it's like if you get up on stage and speak or like whatever that's, like you're there and you're doing it and then you come away from it and then all of a sudden like your heart's palpitating and you're like, oh my God, you know what I mean? Your whole body's starting to like, you can feel, you can feel everything slowly leave your bloodstream and it is a yucky feeling. You know, it's super, super yucky feeling. But once you put your, like once you put a pin in it, you're like, oh, I know what this is. I'm just coming down from this, not a big deal. I'm just going to let, like, you know, I'm just going to let everything kind of like drain out of my, you know, out of my blood system. I'm going to let all the chemicals just whatever. I'm just going to take a step back. I'm going to not talk to people and whatever it is that you need to do. So just be aware that you're going to have a comedown. And so if you have a really high goal that you've spent years doing, you're going to have an even bigger drop. Yeah, huge drop. But you see people who like, you know, had this like big movie or whatnot. They're like, they're the number one star in the world. They have this big movie and they should have everything they want. They should be the happiest person in the world. But really, they're miserable. You know what I mean? Because of that, you know, what do I do now? What do I do next? You know, that sort of come down on that aspect. And the other thing when it comes to after success is making sure you don't stew in it for too long. You know what I mean? Especially for entrepreneurs, athletes, really high achievers is the umbrella I put everyone under. If generally speaking, if we don't have a goal or a target, we feel completely lost and we're spinning out. And you and I have had this conversation multiple times over many, many, many years of like, I don't know what to do now. I don't know I'm going to do. Like, I kind of have an idea, but which direction do I want to go? And oh my gosh. So it's just like, don't stew in it too long and definitely make sure that you are balancing your intrinsic and extrinsic validation and motivation because a lot of times we're doing things just for accolades and just for like, look amazing, I got another trophy or whatever. But really, is there like an actual reason or purpose behind it? Focus on that. Find your next goal and then start again because every time you hit the peak, of whatever it is you're going for, you're at the bottom of the next peak, baby. Bottom of the next peak, bottom of the next, you know, it's just step, step, step, step, step. So if you can just kind of like be aware of those things, it's happening to everyone. You're not special if you experience this. Every single person experiences this for, you know, high achievers as I like to call them. It's just a normal part of being a human. And again, signs and symptoms help you really tackle, move forward, and feel like you're in control because again, high achievers. Yes. A goal makes us feel like we're in control. A target makes us feel like we're in control. So that's about it, I would say.

That's a lot. I have to tell you, listen, I know other people when they're listening to you too, they're like, oh, that's me. I 100% did that. 100% that happened to me. My, my younger son, who's a sophomore in college, he reflected back to me. He's like, well, he did something. I was like, that's great. Like, how are you going to celebrate? He's like, I'm just like, he literally got the disease from me. Like I didn't teach it. Like, I don't remember not celebrating his stuff. So it's not just those high-achieving entrepreneurs. I think there's this section of kids who are the high-achieving entrepreneur children, like our kids that have seen us not do the celebrating. And I talk to young kids who have— women who have young kids all the time. And I'm always saying to them, make sure you're showing them both parts, but make sure they see both parts of it, because my kids definitely have that disease. And, um, I got it from my parents. Like, I know exactly, right? And I think the money story is connected in there as well. And the, like, that wasn't hard for me, you know? So what? It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal that, that you were on a TED Talk show, right? Or not a big deal that I was on Drew Barrymore. I was like, exactly.

It's like, of course I did it. It's just another thing, right?

But I think for me, it's also the fear of, like, I, I think I held myself in the fear for a little while of like, well, what if the next thing doesn't get to that level? And what if I don't— oh my gosh, right? What if I don't succeed at the next one? Because I've been working on this TV concept that I've been pitching and talking to some national shows about, like trying to make this happen. But I see myself like getting to here and not following up enough, or not moving through it enough, or not asking for it enough. And yeah, honestly, because I was thinking about you coming on and, you know, looking at your stuff, and I was like, You're holding yourself back of fear of not being successful the next time. So how are you going to grow? And I think I did a lot of that when I moved from TV and food to TV and publicity. Mm.

Yes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh my gosh, girl, you're speaking my language.

And I love it.

Seriously, the fact that you're even going to the TV show— because that's my next thing, is to get the success sponsor on Netflix. And I'm literally in the process. I love it. What do I need to do for that? I don't know anything about it. But I'll just start turning over rocks and asking questions and figure it out. But yeah, you're, you're absolutely right. And I love that you shared that with everyone because yeah, we all, we all feel like that.

But I think it's because now, now they are talking about it because, right, we always talk about how we're going to get— be successful or how to get to the next level. Like in my industry, everyone talks about getting the press but not how you're going to use it and leverage it.

Yes. Right.

So it's the other side of it because I, I hope you see this too. I see this transition from Yes, the bro marketing and the shininess, but everyone's like, let's just be real. Let's just talk about all the stuff. And thinking about how you get off the stage and you have that, right, that dopamine high, and the next day you're like, oh yeah, I feel like crap. Oh, what this is like after you had your skiing career, you had to like really figure out what was next for you.

Yep. I moved to a whole other country. Technically, I just switched it right up, snow to sand. Um, but yeah, you're absolutely right. And that's, that's literally the message that I'm trying to bring to the market at the end of the day. Just be prepared as to what's going to happen. Like, as you said, we are in a hustle environment. Everyone is like, this is how you goal set. This is, you know, you want to be more successful, but okay, that's all fine and dandy. And everyone has their own version of what success is going to look like. And I love the different versions of success for different people. Success does not mean a shit ton of money, folks. It doesn't. But of course, in the society that we're in, we do put that really high on like, you know, the pedestal, what we're going for. But at the end of the day, it's like, why is no one talking about what you do when you reach it and how you handle it afterwards? And that's really where I'm like, I want to be the first, like, I want to bring this to the worldwide masses and whatnot. And so the TED was the very first step. And I love that you're sharing your story as well, because the more people I can have talk about this side I think it will be more widely accepted. And then when you go on to like any social media sites where, again, I'll just say any figure, someone who— I'll use movie stars because it just kind of seems to make a— yeah, I don't know, people seem to relate to that for the most part. But you see someone who is an actor, big movie, you know, of course, big budget, big money, this and that. It became successful. And they had the bravery to go on a podcast or really anywhere, be quoted and say, you know what, I'm not really happy right now. And then you see all the comments down below and it breaks my heart. And you see all these comments like, oh, well, you're rich and you're famous. And you know, you shouldn't feel this way. Like, how dare you? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I get it because you're in a completely different world. You don't have the same perspective that that person has. You don't live the same type of lifestyle. I get it. Everyone is valid to feel and think and say as they see fit. That's the beautiful thing about being a human. But what the part that breaks my heart is that there, there's less understanding that that is another human being. And maybe you happen to witness what they're doing for their career or something that they're doing. It's being done in a public eye. So of course there's more eyeballs, more stress, more pressure, more, more, more, more, more, more. So it's a little bit different. Than what you might be experienced to, and you feel that you want to pick them apart for being human.

Right.

And so if I can— Don't feel that way about yourself. Yeah. And so I feel like if we can bring this message to the market that like, you know, success is not fun, man. Like everyone thinks it's like, this is the goal. I want to make this. I want to do this. It's like, dude, that's not the end result. That's not the goal. There's so much more afterward. And there's so much more learning and growing and 6-inch-between-the-ear bullcrap that you're going to deal with when you get there. To get there. And I think if people understood that just because you're quote unquote successful, and whatever eye that is, that you can't be human— like, come on, give me a break, buddy. Oh no, of course they're going to be human. Of course they're going to feel this way. Of course they're going to have fights with their spouses or divorces or breakups or all the stuff, you know, can't get another job because they've been typecasted, you know what I mean?

Like, yeah, like, they're human. So it makes me think of like Selena Gomez and Charlie Toothpaste. I can't— the singer, I can't— like, he's young, I can't remember his name. But like, they went off social because they couldn't take it.

Yeah.

And you know what? Selena came back with a new album. She came up with a TV show. She came up bigger and better than the things that she was doing. For me, I don't— so I know I didn't tell you this because I only told 3 people this, but I'm actually doing a stand-up comedy show tonight.

Okay. Yes.

6 weeks ago, I was like, you know, my business has been doing really well, and I just said it's been uncomfortable, and it's just not been sitting well. And I was like, I wrote an email to my list, and I— this is in my email— I wrote, I was either gonna blow up my life or do something challenging, so I picked the challenge instead. Because that's how I was feeling. I was feeling like something needs to change, something is— maybe it's my marriage, maybe it's where I live. Like, I was thinking all these big picture things, and I just said It came across my feed. OK. Hey, local woman putting out comedy, you know, doing comedy show and 5 classes and a present in a performance. I didn't even— my parents both called me today because they were like, you didn't tell us this. And I was like, didn't I tell you? I think I told you.

And didn't I?

My dad called. He was like, where is it? I'll be there. Like, no, you can't come. Like, I just told my husband and one friend. But it was really, for me, it was like, I need to be uncomfortable because I'm not growing. And I'm holding myself back from growing because it's scary of me doing— right? I have the book. I've been on the TV shows. I'm growing my business. What's— but I want to do this TV show, like, have my own Netflix show, right? And I'm feeling uncomfortable doing it. But you know what? Since I've been doing this show and standing up with a mic— because, you know, I love a microphone.

Yes.

But then I'm doing more things. I'm feeling different. I'm feeling stronger. And I'm feeling more like taking taking risks. And that's going to show me. And I feel like maybe that's a little bit of what— you know, like, we're on that hamster wheel of success. But getting— like, that was a strategy that I had just come up with. I can't wait to read the book. I can't wait. Because I— you know, you get— you give me such great advice over the years. I, I know that this book is going to be really helping a lot of people. I'll put into the— into the caption where they can find it. But it's that, right? Is that being comfortable with being uncomfortable. And that's been hard for me. And, you know, and I said this morning on my— I did a video and I was like, I have a confession. I haven't been telling you something. Because I tell, you know, I usually tell a lot of things, but this was just something because it's not a speech, right? I can go do it. Hopefully one day I'll do a TED Talk, right? I can just get up and speak. But this was like a different art form. Yeah, I wasn't sure that I could do. But at the last minute, I was like, okay, I'm just going to tell everybody. And the support I've gotten back has just been overwhelming. Oh, break a leg!

I love it.

You're gonna be great. I couldn't do that, but you can do that. You're gonna be great. You know, to be honest, I'm like, I wish I got this kind of response when I was putting business stuff out there, but that's okay.

That works too, right?

That's the truth.

That's the truth. Oh my God.

I'm not gonna— I'm like, I don't know if I'll post the video, but maybe I'll post a video without sound, and next time I'll let people come. But I had to do something— honestly, I had to do something different, otherwise I was going to blow up something in my life. And I just knew that wasn't the way to go. And I was feeling down, and I was feeling like, what's next? I can't find anything. So your book, for me, is coming at the perfect time. And I'm excited about it.

Well, I'm super excited about this. And I hope you have a videographer on hand who's going to get all— and photographer— all behind-the-scenes pictures, all behind-the-scenes footage, because you want to capture the B-roll, baby. You need the B-roll. You never know when you're going to use it, but you Definitely. That's fabulous. I actually— one of the TV producers— because all of us were experts on a bunch of different TV shows for years. And the one that I was on, the producer was just like, you should go do some improv. Go do some improv. Same sort of thing that you're— your comedy. Improv is not the same thing, but similar, or whatever. And every time I've gone down to try to take some classes— I actually have one pretty close to my house— they weren't taking anyone. And anyways. You had literally just inspired me to go back to re, you know, turn over that stone again and look into that because you're absolutely right. Like, as soon as you, you know what I mean? That's the funny thing again about high achievers. And when I say high achiever, what I really mean is anyone who does anything out of the norm. And they're like, wow, that's pretty broad, Ash. I'm like, yeah, it is broad because we have, you know, high performance coaches, high performance people, But that's generally speaking for someone who's like CEO, big corporation, or, you know, big entrepreneur, big athlete or whatnot. And I'm trying to incorporate the entire general public because we're in a hustle society. So it's just like if you're trying to lose weight and you're going to the gym consistently all the time, you're a high achiever because you're doing something out of the norm. You know what I mean? So it can be anyone from athlete to entrepreneur, but you know, just any general person who's trying to make their life better in any way, shape or form. And you're right, when you hit that glass ceiling that you've created for yourself, that's when you're like, oh my God, you know, I'm getting crushed against it. Something's got to change. And usually it always has to be a bigger goal, something that's going to scare the crap out of you. And then it's like, oh, that was not scary.

Sweaty. Like, literally, I did that video this morning and I was sweating and I just started sweating again about it because you're right. It's that it's just about being in action because I think everyone thinks I said this to more— I did actually a class today for a friend of mine for her community, and I was like, everyone on the internet looks like they're doing a great job, but they're not. Yeah, most people are talking about it and most people are not actually being in action. So I like that, that determination.

Like, you're a high achiever if you're actually doing something, anything, anything out of the norm. Like, celebrate that shit, man. Like, seriously. And to be honest with you, there's this one part of the TED Talk which you just reminded me, I think I blocked it out for For good reason. So when you go to do it, you have to do 2 days of practicing with your producers before, obviously, you go on stage in front of a massively huge audience, and 5 cameras on you, and the whole damn 9 yards. I was very, very excited. I went in there. I kind of had my speech, kind of really didn't, because I was doing a million other things at the same time. That's, of course, my excuse. And I went and did it. And it felt great. The feedback was worth its weight in gold. I'm like, I would have just hired you to come help me speak and give me the feedback and the advice that you're giving was absolutely amazing. And then I walked out of the packed, grabbed all my stuff, walked out of there, got in my car. And then the letdown wasn't a slow letdown of like adrenaline, whatever. I mean, it continued to spike. It continued to hit me as if I was still practicing on stage. And it got to a point where when I got into my car, I started driving. I almost had to pull over because I was going to throw up as I was driving. And I was getting tunnel vision and it was nighttime. I'm like, this is so freaking dangerous. It was horrible. I mean, like the sickness, like the, just the overwhelming of the chemical rush that was going through my body as I'm driving home, trying to focus on freaking traffic. And then by the time I got to the house, I went running upstairs, basically dry heaved in the toilet for about 5, 10 minutes, and then went straight to bed. And my body was kind of slightly convulsing. I was just like, you know, like kind of doing the jittery thingies or whatever, like that whole comedown. I'm just like, wow, I have not experienced that in a long time. And it really brought me into like, wow, Ash, you, you knew you could do it, but you really pushed yourself past a limit. And this is how your body's responding to pushing yourself past your limit. And it was scary for a few seconds. I'm like, oh crap, can I, is this going to happen again? And then the next day when I went in, did my practice and I walked out, I'm like, okay, signs, symptoms, signs, symptoms. And what am I feeling? What am I feeling? What am I feeling? What am I feeling? I recognize that. I recognize that. I recognize that.

Oh, I can get through that. I can get through that. I can get through that.

You know what I mean? I just kind of started going through that little, you know, sort of mantra and my MS My MNSTR is an actual acronym mantra. So I was just going through like the MNSTR and I was able to drive home. I didn't have a letdown of like, you know, the rush wasn't as big of a drop and it was great. So I'm literally living, experiencing, breathing everything that I'm talking about literally in the moment.

So— Thank you so much for sharing that story. That's amazing. And you know, my PR brain is like, okay, now you need to write the article about that and all your podcast interviews about that and your TV interviews are about that. That's such a palpable and resonating conversation. Like, everyone's had that, right? You walk out of the interview and you want to throw up. Yeah, honestly, before I go on stage tonight, I'm going to want to throw up.

So yeah, it's like, I would actually throw up. That's crazy.

And yeah, because you've done those hard things, right? You're on the top of the mountain, you've raced, you've been on these like high adrenaline things before, but your body didn't recognize it. But I want to give you props for the next day going like, OK, I'm going to check in so that doesn't happen again and really take care of myself.

Yeah, well, it's going to happen again. That's the thing. But being comfortable, like you say, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, you know what I mean? And just recognizing it. So yeah, it's—

My son says that all the time to me. My son's an Olympic weightlifter, which is a weightlifting style. He's not in the Olympics. He's actually in Ohio. Today, tomorrow, he's competing. And he's always saying to me, like, he says to his clients, he trains them, he trains athletes, he's like, uncomfortable is the way to be comfortable. Like, that's his mantra. That's what he says all the time, which I just connected to what you were saying. I'm going to tell him, he'll love your book. Yeah, everybody else is going to love your book. I cannot wait to get my hot little hands on a copy of it so I can share your message, because I think it's so important. Like you said, nobody is talking about it. It's time to talk about it. And why not actually Ashley, I adore you. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for being a guest on Behind the Spotlight. All of Ashley's information and the URL to go to the quiz and her book and everything will be there so you too can follow Ashley and learn how to not have your own monster get in the way of your success.

Absolutely.

Thank you, Ashley.

Absolutely. No problem. Thank you, darling.

Bye, honey. Bye, everybody.