#23 Introspective Healing (Trauma Processing Tool) | Recovery Secrets Series

Welcome to the Overcoming PTSD Podcast. My name is Brad Schipke, and this is the limited series called Recovery Secrets Daily Coaching. Now, these were private sessions that I originally ran as a paid coaching program, but now for the first time ever, I'm making all 100+ sessions available for free for all of you podcast listeners. And this series is over 100 days of practical strategies that have helped thousands of trauma survivors fully heal. So make sure to subscribe because I'm dropping a new episode every single weekday until the archive is complete, and you definitely do not want to miss it. So without further ado, let's dive on in.

All right, we are live here. Welcome everyone to our Recovery Secrets coaching session. We are so, so excited to be here with you today.

So good morning everybody, great to have you here. As we said yesterday, today we're going to be teaching our first processing tool, and if you've joined me for any of my kind of exclusive one-on-one coaching sessions where I did, did kind of like the logical thinking on the whiteboard. This is an extension of that. So this is a, uh, a tool that we call introspective healing that helps you logically think through the problems, identify the problem, think through it and solve it, solve the root of it, right? So that it doesn't come up again. And again, this is going to be a series. This is just one tool of 4 that you're going to learn. And like we've mentioned in the past, this is one tool that accesses one channel of your trauma, right? So it's, this tool is generally a very good spot to, to start when processing because you learn a lot about, you know, the emotions that you're feeling and you're able to stay in a really grounded, logical point of view. So you're not going to be pulled off into like losing control and all of these other things. So this is a great place to start. And it's a great foundation for the following tools as well. Like what you're going to learn today is a framework that you'll be able to bring into your other processing tools as well. So it's going to be awesome. Awesome.

Yeah. So we're super, super excited to teach this. Like Brad said, there's a handful of different tools that we teach. So this is going to kind of be step one and it's a good place to start for a few different reasons, but, but like Brad mentioned, because it's, It's rooted in logic. And so if you've seen his sessions, that's, that's a really good head start, but it's a, a very cool process. And the other reason we love, love, love this tool is because it's kind of the exact opposite of everything else on the journey, right? Like you're feeling all these emotions like all the time, right? And this tool is the, is the opposite and it's taking you out of that emotional state and it's putting you into a state of logic, a state of almost seeing things objectively.

Mm-hmm.

And, and that's what we're going to work to do with this tool. So it's a really, really, really cool tool. Brad, I don't know if you want to share a little bit about how, how this tool helped you specifically or any kind of stories you remember about this tool being and having great impact.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'll touch on what Kayleen just said. You're going to be moving from, and I talked about this in my last trainings, from like a reactive, reactive state to an adaptive state. You're going to, so you're going to start adapting to your situation. But I mean, I use this tool all, all the time. And it's really something that, you know, we kind of developed on our own and, you know, came up with this process. Most of the use cases that I've had it for were when I was totally confused. I was totally overwhelmed with emotions. I had no idea what to do. And my mind was just like overwhelmed. I was feeling overwhelmed. Everything was overwhelmed. And I didn't know, I didn't know, like I was just really confused and in the chaos of my emotion and Whether that I was feeling a lot of depression or a lot of anxiety and like, I want to do something. I want to do something about it, but I don't know what to do. And you're almost, I was like, I was almost in like this panicky mode, you know? So what this would do, it was, it is that it gave me a simple framework to go through, which calmed me down. It slowed everything down and it really helped me identify. Identify, you know, the root of why I was feeling the emotions. Because most of the time, you know, when you, when you react to something, you know, it's not the thing that you're like, that actually hurt you. Like with a trigger, like it's like, it's not the trigger that hurt you. And a lot of times we don't know what that deeper pain is. We don't know what that deeper root is. Like if, if you get triggered or if I got, I, if I got triggered by a door slamming, right? It's not that that door scared me, right? It's that the, the, the sound of the door reminded me subconsciously of an experience in my past that caused me to, that brought those emotions forward. So it triggered those emotions from the past and brought them forward to the present, right? So what this tool helped, helped me with was it would take, you know, kind of this present, this present event and trace it back to its root, right? So I could take the door slamming. In the present and be like, and start to contemplate that and think through that and be like, you know, you know, why did that, why did that affect me so deeply? Like, what's the root of it? And then it allowed me to think logically, really get a handle on everything, like get a handle on the chaos, give me a path, right? Because I mean, how many people here have been just stuck in overwhelm or stuck in emotions where they're like, I don't even know what the heck to do. Like you're just overwhelmed and you just sit there. And then like we talked about yesterday, you end up just kind of reaching for the short-term gratification. It's like, that's, that's the easy thing that we, we tend to do when we're overwhelmed. But what this will do is it'll help you identify the pain in the present to the corresponding trauma in the past. And then when you do that, you're going to, you're going to connect the dots in your mind because a lot of this is subconscious. So you're going to bring in a lot of the subconscious to your conscious, and then you're going to see the connections. And then sometimes when you see the connections, the solution is very obvious. Like you've heard me quote Einstein before where he says, If I had to save the world, I would, I would take the first 55 minutes to identify the proper problem. 'Cause once I had, once I knew what the problem was, I could find a solution in less than 5 minutes.

Right.

So the trigger in the moment isn't the problem. So this will help bridge the gap between those 2 things, help you identify the root of that and ultimately solve that. And that's why this is a great foundational tool is because it does draw that connection. And then you can bring in, once you know that, Like I said, sometimes that's all you need to solve the problem. And that's why this is a processing tool in and of itself. But sometimes it takes a little bit more work and you need, you know, you need to bring in some other tools to process it from different angles. So that's kind of—

So I, I, that, I mean, can't say it better than that. Right. And so the way I'll, I sometimes think about and sometimes explain it is, is this tool is your compass, right? It's either going to solve the problem and it's going to be, if you've ever seen like a cartoon show where they have a light bulb and the light bulb goes off above your head, it's going to be that and it's going to solve. It can solve some problems, or it's gonna be the compass that's gonna point you in the right direction to what you need to do to solve the problem. So really, really, really neat tool. So we're gonna jump into the framework for this. Now, what's cool about the processing tools, and I like to point this out, and as you learn them, or for those of you who know them, for those of you who have been in other programs with me, you'll notice that I point this out. There's a very logical process to all of the tools. Now, this tool specifically, Mm-hmm. Is based in logic, right? This is the most logical tool. But the steps to each processing tool— what I want you to do is I want you to pay attention to the steps, right? So if this is the first processing tool that you're learning, pay attention to these steps. But as we in future sessions and future weeks and months teach different processing tools, pay attention to how the steps look next to each other. Look back to back to back to back, because you're going to notice. A very logical flow to them. And you're gonna notice that they have a lot of similarities and they have overarching themes. Each step has an overarching theme.

Mm-hmm.

And the reason that I like to point that out is because this is not rocket science. Okay? If they, if they're all very, very similar, you know, they're all different routes to get to a core problem. They're all different angles. They're accessing different channels of your brain, but they're all doing the same work. Right? And so by nature, they're going to be similar. They're gonna have similarities, and they're just going from different angles. And again, the reason I like to point that out is if they're all very similar, if they all have overarching themes, what that means is you don't have to be so bound by all the rules of this. You don't have to cross every T and dot every I. This does not have to be a perfect process. Now, we like to give you a framework cuz we like to give you a place to start off. Right? And it can be scary to process your past, and a lot of people can get nervous about it, and it can be a big thing, and, you know, there can be emotions, and, and all of that is true. But what I want you to do is step into being an independent healer and start to think about and just understand that, that this process does not have to be perfect for it to work. And also understand that you are the person that needs to decide what am I comfortable with and what am I uncomfortable with. So all the tools that we're going to teach, you can use with a professional, you can use with a clinician, you can use with a therapist, you can teach it to them, you can show it to them, you can direct that with a professional, but you have to make that kind of decision for yourself.

Okay.

So we're going to teach again, and what we're doing here, we're— what we'll do with future tools, this one's a fairly easy one to teach in 30 minutes. What we'll do with future tools is we'll probably spend a week on them to teach them, to ensure that you have everything that you need.

Sounds like a good plan.

And all the guidelines and stuff, because we don't want to, we don't want to short you and then, and then end up kind of getting you into trouble there. But this one is a really great place to start.

Yeah. So this is a really great place to start. And I want to say too, too, don't let the simplicity of the tool detract from the power of it, because we work really hard to make it as simple as possible, but don't let the simplicity detract from, you know, how powerful you believe this is because it's incredibly powerful. And like I said, the foundation of this will be brought to future, into future Processing tools. So the, a good place to start always is with the goal, right? The goal is to find the root and to solve it, right? Very simple. We want to find the root of what's going on. So why am I feeling this? Like if, like going back to that example of like, if you're triggered, you know, why, why, why did this happen? Tracing, tracing it back to the true root of it, because it's not a simple kind of like linear thing. It can bounce around and then you could discover something that seems totally unrelated to what's going going on. Like, going back again to that example of like a door slamming, which that did used to trigger me. Actually, the door didn't even have to slam that much, but when I traced it back, it came from like that fear that I got, that I felt from when the door slammed was from when, you know, people in my life yelled at me or screamed at me and that brought up the, that fear. So there's, again, super simple, super simple. 4 steps, right? Step 1? Step 1 is to define the problem, right? What problem am I facing right now? Right? Because the first thing, when you're in this chaos of emotion, right? When you're overwhelmed, you want, you want something to like grasp onto and pinpoint and be like, what is the problem? Like, what am I experiencing right now? What is the problem I'm facing right now? And that will bring you clarity. And that question, this question alone, what is the problem? It'll narrow it down to the one thing. And we're looking for one thing. That we can then start questioning and going back. So the first thing is to define the problem and define it clearly. And then, Reddit, step 2 is identify the root, right? So how do we do this? Very simple. Very simple. You ask why. There's one question you ask. You ask the question, why? Why is this happening? Right? And another tool or another, I guess, kind of subtool or process that You use is something that we call the 5 Whys. And the 5 Whys basically just means you ask 5, you ask 5 whys or more. It's kind of just the name of the, this, what you do, but you just ask why. So like, I got triggered by the door. That's the problem. I'm feeling fear. Why am I feeling afraid? Why I'm feeling afraid? Because it reminds me of, you know, you know, of this memory and okay, well, why? Why does that memory make me feel scared? And then you go further and further and further back, but you just keep asking why again and again and again and again until you get the root, right? So you define the current problem, you ask why until you can't go any deeper. So you ask questions until you can't go any deeper. And then at that point when you can't go deeper, that is where the root— that like when you, when you identify the root, it's a strange feeling to, to explain, but It's best described as an aha moment. Like you just know, you have the feeling, it like locks into place where you identified the thing where it's like, oh, that's the reason why I'm doing all these things. And sometimes it's very obvious. Sometimes this is, this is really clear and very obvious. And sometimes it takes a lot of questioning just to get down here. And going back to that Einstein quote, we want to really drill, drill the problem from all angles. And ask as many questions as we can to go down in the root, and I'll give you some examples of this as well. So once we identify the root by using the five whys, and we're going to go deeper into some other things that you can do, you want to create a plan. All right, so you want to create a plan to solve the root, right? And sometimes, like I said before, sometimes when you identify the root, it's like boom, that's it. Like once you know what the the root of the problem is, you can go in and. Just solve it. And it's very easy, or the solution is already there because you get this shift, you get this shift in belief or the shift in emotions just because you're aware of why you're doing what you're doing. Right. And then the last step is again, simple, very simple, but very important action. You take action on the plan, right? So most of the time that we're going to be spending here is going to be Thinking through your problem. So do you have any?

Yeah, I love this. So like Brad said, like the, the majority of time you're gonna spend in step 2 here, when you talk about the 5 Whys, is not just 5, right? It's just why until you find it. So you're really only gonna need to find the problem, which you can spend significant time on, right? Because if you don't know the problem, it's gonna be hard to get to the root of it, right? So define the problem, identify the root, and when you identify the root, sometimes with this tool, you have what we call an aha moment. Okay? And that aha moment is going to feel like things click, right? And so I'll give you an example. You know, maybe you're like super, super anxious. And so that's the problem. I'm anxious and I don't know why. Okay? So I want to identify the root. Why am I anxious? Okay? So what we want you to do here in this 5 Whys, you can go deeper. You can ask, you know, why am I anxious? What made me anxious? You know, who, what, where, when, why, how. And that Can be tremendously helpful in identifying the root. You're asking why? Why do I feel this way? What made me feel this way? When did I start feeling this way? What was I saying? What was I listening to when I started feeling this way? Where was I? What was I thinking? Why did I react? Who was I around? Okay, and so when you you dig, I want you to think yourself as a researcher. You know, you're going in and you're saying what is going on, and what you might find is like oh like. I started to get anxious when I checked my bank account, right? Because I saw that I was low on funds, but I'm starting a job on Monday and I know that I have that problem solved, right? So you already have that problem solved. So sometimes what you just need to do for your brain is just kind of connect those dots and be like, oh, okay, no, that's fine. Like, we got that, right? Most of the time, this is going to act as a compass. So these 4 steps are acting as a compass to point you in the right direction for the most important piece. Which is the action. Okay. Now, sometimes it's gonna lead you to another tool. Other times it's gonna lead you to doing something. So it's a, it's a really simple but powerful framework to help you find the root and solve problems. And now sometimes you're gonna find the root, and if you don't have the tools yet to solve that, you know, I, I have this saying, like, I want you to put it in your pocket. I want you to put it to the side. I want you to make note of that. And that's what we're gonna bring that back out later.

Mm-hmm.

When we have the truth, the solid.

An amazing point. I'll walk through an example with you guys. I'm going to explain one other, one other concept with you when you're going through the questioning process. But what Kayleen said, the who, what, when, where, why, how, you want, you just want to drill the problem from as many, many angles as you can, right? When you're asking questions, you want to make sure that you're staying focused in your mind because it can be very easy to get off track. Like you ask this one question, then your mind goes off and Like one direction, but then you're also trying to remember all these things and hold all these things in your mind at once, which can be very challenging. So what I want you to do is I want you to, when you're questioning, I want you to think of them as kind of stepping stones and you leave them behind. You know, like you don't need to remember everything. You only need to be focusing on the one question that you're asking right now. And then you just hold that in your mind. And then when you find the solution for that, you hold that in your mind and you forget the question before it, right? When you ask a question, you're going to come up with an answer, right? And then from here, you're gonna wanna ask another question to go deeper.

So you don't need to hold all those things. Okay. We started with the problem. Now, you know, why, when did this start happening? Where did this start happening? And you just kind of trust the process so that you can focus. And you'll notice that, and we'll talk about this a lot in processing specifically, but that focus is a very, very big theme for this. Those who focus and those who are a lot more chaotic. And there's a tremendous difference in the speed at which, and basically the success at which they are able to complete the processing. Now, for those of you chaotic, and for those of you who have trouble focusing, and that can be really common just with trauma, with PTSD, right? It, it's not impossible for you to focus. It's just gonna be something you have to put a little bit more attention on to say, okay, hold on. Now let's just think about the next thing. Now let's just think about the next thing. It's gonna be a muscle that you build. It's a muscle that I had to build doing this work, but it's gonna make a big difference. So that focus is a, a really, really important element that I'm, I'm glad that you brought that up. Yeah. Because it's gonna, it's gonna make you that much more successful when you're able to just follow the process, go step by step by step, and focus on one step at a time.

Yeah. After you go through this, through this process of focusing on the question, Eventually you get to the root, right? Eventually you get to the root, but what does the root look like? What do we mean when we say root? Kind of confusing. Doesn't really make sense. Who knows what that is, right? What you'll find is that there's 2 main roots that you'll find most often, right? And a lot of times there'll be a combination. These are things that you can look for, right? First one is a belief. There could be a core belief or root belief that is kind of dictating your behavior, which you can then go even further with that if you want. So it could be a belief. Like I said, you can go further and be like, okay, why do I hold this belief? And that will usually lead to a memory or memories, right? So those are the 2 main things that you'll, you'll kind of get down to. That, just to simplify it down, like it can be very ambiguous to be like, oh, you just need to identify the root. When you know the root, like you just know it, which that's, that's true. That is true. Yeah. It's like you do get that feeling. But these are the things you can look for, belief and a memory. So I'll walk through a quick example. So I've had a lot of social anxiety. I've had like, particularly around like family events. I mean, I don't really do a lot of other social events besides family events.

We're very introverted people.

So that's, that's my main like group thing. Obviously I do other things, but for this example, let's go with the example of I feel anxiety. And when I had PTSD, my social anxiety just like was like maxed out. So going with that example, like when I'm around my family, I feel anxious, right? And let's say like after the, after the party's over, I'm still feeling that anxiety. I'm reflecting and I want to solve that problem. I want to identify why was I feeling that way, right? And I want to identify the root of that. So the first step here would be defining the problem. All right. The problem is just, I experienced social anxiety when I'm around my family, right? Or if I feel extreme levels of social anxiety or just anxiety, whatever it is, right? Next is you want to move on to the root. And this, this is when you want to identify. Or you want to utilize the 5 Whys, but again, the 5 Whys is kind of just a framework. You ask as many whys as you want, or you ask who, what, when, where, why, how, and you just kind of drill the problem from all different angles, right? So then I would go into it and be like, okay, why was I, why was I feeling anxious? Well, I was feeling anxious because I, you know, like being around people makes me uncomfortable, right? And then I'm going to forget that question. I'm going to just focus on the next one. Okay. Being, being, being, I'm uncomfortable around people. Oh, why am I, why do I feel uncomfortable around people? Because it makes me feel scared. It might, might feel a little redundant, but sometimes some of this might, might get a little redundant, which is okay. And then you might have to go through that a little bit of time to, you know, change your questioning. If you ever find yourself in a cycle, you change your questioning, you move to a different question, you look at it from a different angle. And that's a foundational thing of this too, is that there's a solution to every problem, right? Every problem that you face, there's a solution. Giving up isn't an option. Saying I don't know isn't an option. Doing any of that, none of that is an option. So if you get, if you feel like you get stuck, it just means you haven't found the right question to break through to the next level. So I feel scared around people. All right. Well, was there a specific, you know, moment where I like, that made me feel more scared than others? And they'd be like, yeah, you know, when I was around a lot of people, I felt a lot more anxiety when I was around. A bigger group of people versus when I was just hanging out with one or two, I was still feeling anxiety there, but I was feeling a lot. And I'd be like, well, why, why did I feel more anxiety when I was in a group, big group of people versus a small group of people? And that could be, well, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of being judged. Right. So it went from the fear of, you know, I'm afraid of people to now I'm afraid of being judged. Right. So now we're getting deeper. We're uncovering a bigger picture. And then I could, from there, be like, okay, well, Why am I afraid of being judged? And, you know, because I'm afraid of being made fun of. I'm afraid of being vulnerable around people and them judging me. And that makes me feel afraid. And then I could go deeper and then, you know, already in your mind, in my mind, it's like, it's already triggering these memories and you can be aware of that and be like, whoa, you know, why, why do I have that fear? Why do I have that fear of being judged in that way? And you're like, well, you know, I remember these times when I was younger when I had this, but I can, I can go on for so long, but that's the questioning process there. And as you can see—

So I just want to point out, he's really close to what the root would be. Yeah. Right. So he's, he's like 1 or 2 questions away from what the root would actually be without getting really specific in the example. Right. So he's, he's right there. On, okay, so it was, it was this thing or it was this thing. And okay, so he's, he's really close to, to getting to this point where he's identified the root and then he's gonna go through these next steps. But that was a really good example. Yeah.

And that, I mean, now that's like a real example. It was very easy for me to go through that because that's something that I actually struggled with. And then like, like I, Kaylee was saying, like I was right at the cusp of like, there was a few things that would've led to Kind of like the root for me, what that was. And then from there it'd be like, okay, this is, this is the root. What can I do about it? You create that plan and then you take action on it. And a lot of times the plan, once you identify the root, becomes self-evident. And sometimes there's an emotional piece to it as well. Sometimes like when you connect the dots that you aren't, you haven't consciously connected, some emotions come up.

And.

We talked about, was this last week, about releasing inner emotions? And that's a foundational piece for those of you who have not seen that. Definitely go back and watch that because you need to know how to release emotions safely in order to fully process your trauma. If emotions come up and you know how to, and you feel, you feel like you, you're able to release those emotions, that's some, that's something you can do as well. And that can close out the processing just for that in and of itself. Otherwise, you create the plan, you take action, and, you know, I'll say a lot of times the plan is to use another processing tool. You know, if it's specific memory, we have a tool to deal with the specific memory. If it's a specific belief, you know, we have a tool for beliefs, and then we have a tool that kind of combines those 2 as well with some other kind of stuff as well. But that's kind of—

So that's the basic process. Number one rule in this that Brad touched on, but I want to hone in on. Is you're not allowed to let yourself say, I don't know, because you do know. Your brain does know. And when we allow ourselves to say, I don't know, we are asking these questions and you're— if you don't give it enough time, if you let it say, you know what, well, I don't know.

Yeah.

This process will not work, right? And it's easy to do that. It's easy to do that. So don't let yourself say, I don't know. It can take some time. You might be sitting there, and this doesn't sound like a long time, but it's a long time when you're sitting there. You might be sitting there for a couple minutes. Before your brain kind of presents you with the answer. Allow yourself to sit there, sit in the silence, wait for the answer to come to you. Don't, don't throw your hands up. Don't let yourself say, I don't know. And that's, that's the number one rule with all of this. Don't let yourself say, I don't know, because it'll, it'll close the door to the process. You know, if you find yourself wanting to say, I don't know, see if you can change the question a little bit. Just change the angle at which you kind of go in.

Yeah.

But that's a great start for, for processing, for introspective healing. I think it is Q&A time.

Sure. Uh, I wanna, I wanna say one last thing on your point and then we can go on to Q&A.

Sure.

What Keely said is vital, right? If you're going through these questions and you say, I don't know, and it's basically just throwing your hands up and being like, I don't know, I can't do anything about this. Right. And I remember if, and that can be habitual, you know, and I remember in myself when I did that and I became aware of when I was saying, I don't know, I'm like, wow, I'm just shutting down the whole thought process and Basically, if I say I don't know, I'm basically saying this is impossible, you know, to one degree or another. Like, I can't figure this out, but you can. And like Haley said, sometimes it takes time. Sometimes you have to sit in the silence. Sometimes you ask a question and you let your mind be silent until the answer pops up. And this last line is you have to, that I want to say is you have to remain calm and profound answers only come to calm minds. You have to be. Calm. You have to allow yourself to sit in that silence. You have to allow yourself to let the answer come to you when you present yourself with the question, because it can take a while for that to come forward. So remain calm. You know, as you ask the questions, you will get more and more calm. Use, utilize the relief tools that we've taught you to remain happy. And realize that it's, it's okay to be in silence. It's okay to not know something instantly. You know, like a lot of times if we don't get the answer instantly, we're like, oh, I don't know. I can't do anything about it. Sit in the unknown. That's when most of the answers, like the profound, deep answers come is when you sit in the silence, you relax, you know, you're able to relax in the silence. You don't have to like worry about it. It's okay to be—

Do a recovery tool before this process.

Yeah. Yeah. And also like sometimes anxiety can come up just like when you're not doing anything and that's where meditation is really good too, which we're going to be talking about on Friday because it really does help you get that calm mind and helps you see things. Very clearly. So that's gonna be a great thing to, to stick around for is meditation. But stay calm and just remember this process, you know, define the problem, identify the root, just drill it with questions from all angles and you'll get there.

Again, simple but very, very good. Very profound. So stick around for tomorrow. Tomorrow we're talking about perfectionism, which I'm really, really excited to talk about. Friday, like Brad said, we're talking about meditation, which can really help you with this process because you're gonna be able to sit a lot easier, just sit still a lot more. You're gonna be building some great kind of muscles in your mind, so to speak. So that's an awesome, awesome tool. It's one of the relief tools and it helps you tremendously in a lot of different ways. Monday we're talking about self-talk, which I cannot wait for. And we have some awesome, awesome stuff planned for next week as well. Feel sharing. Defining the problem is very, it is very important, especially with chaos. Focus is, is the key to the answer. It really is. Like when you can focus, that's, that's how you're going to get the answer.

Yes. Focus, focus is, is key in this and in all of processing and meditation and that will help you greatly as well to really increase that focus. And that's the primary, well, there's a lot of benefits of the meditation as we will go into on Friday. So Dale asks, could you go into create a plan? Yeah. So it can be, it can be really simple. I mean, as you, as we teach you more processing tools, it'll look different. Or if you know different processing tools from our different programs, you'll be able to bring those in to create the plan. So just like an example, if you come up with a memory, you might be like, all right, I want to, you know, you know, example, this, that could probably apply to a lot of people is like, I want to, you know, go to my EMDR therapist and I want to work, I want to work on this specific memory to solve this specific problem. Or if you know the processing tools, you can just say, I want to use, you know, the bilateral stimulation tool to work on this specific memory. To, to solve it. So that can be a simple plan there. One could be, you know, if, if we're going back to like, it could be like kind of multifaceted too. Like if, if we're going back, if we go back to the example of kind of like my social anxiety around family events, once I identified the root, the root could be solved with, I could be like, I'm gonna solve the root by using this, this tool. So we have a tool called Protector. So I'm gonna go and do Protector work on this specific problem. To start to heal it at the root, and what I'm going to do is I'm going to create a plan for the next time I have a family event so that my anxiety level is lower and I'm able to manage it better.

Right?

So that could be a part of the plan as well. But it really, it really depends on kind of the root itself, what you identify. But again, it's simple, very simple. It's just, it's just some action. It can be one, one action or multiple actions that you want to take to solve whatever the The root of the problem is, right? So you define the problem, you identify the root, which is just a different problem, right? And then you create a plan, which is just a collect— an action or collection of actions to solve that root, right? That's all that that means. And that can be, it could be a one-step plan. Like it could be so, so simple. And then action, you just put that plan into action. So that's, that's pretty much all it is. But it's important to keep it simple. And also trust yourself, trust your trust in your ability. A big, big thing in, in this process and just processing in general and healing in general is holding the belief and building the belief that, that you can figure it out on your own, that you, like, you believe in your ability to figure it out no matter, like, nobody knows how to solve the problem before they get there. Right? Like, I didn't know how to solve any of my problems before I identified what that problem was, but I had my, I had, I had the belief that I could figure it out once I got there. Right? So that's a really great foundational belief to hold for yourself is just, you know, I don't need to have all the answers right now. I don't need to have the plan or everything together right now, but I believe in my ability to come up with a plan. I believe in my ability to solve this problem when I'm presented with it. And with that belief, you'll be more empowered to go and solve it. And this kind of goes again back, you'll hear us kind of refer to this again and again and again and again. Because it's so important, our concept of independent healing and independent thinking. This is like, this is all you, you know, like you're going through this process and you're coming up with a, you're identifying the problem, you're identifying the root, you're creating the plan, you're taking action. This is very self-guided, right? This is a very independent process and it's a very empowering process, you know, and that's, that's the whole goal is that we're, we're empowering you with the tools, with the framework. So that you can go out there and solve the problems on your own, right? Because everybody here is unique, right? That's something that people say is like, oh, recovery program can't work for everybody because everybody's unique. It's like, yes, that's why we give the frameworks and empower you to solve your own problems. It would be impossible for us to, I mean, to solve everybody's problems, you know, to like on a one-on-one basis. And the most effective way to do that is to teach you this. And even if we were coaching you one-on-one, we would teach you this so you could go out and independently solve it so that you wouldn't be dependent on us. So believing in your ability to figure things out will bring a lot of calmness to you, a lot of like relaxation and allow you to take a deep breath. I don't need to know everything, you know, and this, this kind of goes into perfectionism as well. It's like, you don't need to know everything. You know, you don't need to have the plan before you're presented with the problem. You don't need to have that problem figured out when you identify the problem. It's like, you can figure it out when you get there. And you're, you're also capable of figuring that out. And sometimes you just need to hear that. You just need to hear you can do this. You can figure it out. Like, you, you have the capability to do that.

I like to point out sometimes that like, we're not rocket scientists, you know, we're not, we're not incredibly smart. Like, we are smart, yes, but we're, we're not at the level that, that like people can't achieve the, the level of intellect that we have. And this doesn't come down to being smart. This just comes down to trusting yourself and taking actions. I, I sometimes just like to point that out. Like, We're not special. We're not superhuman. We're just like you. We've been in these situations. We've been to rock bottom. You know, we've had the fights and the thoughts and the actions and all sorts of stuff like that. And it's a process of trusting yourself, learning how to trust yourself, empowering yourself, and knowing that you can do it. And sometimes you just need to hear that, but you can do it. I promise.

Yeah. Yeah. If you saw us 8 to 10 years ago, you'd be like, I am not listening to a word those people say. Those people are crazy. But point, point being, we're just normal people and we're all endowed with the most amazing piece of machinery that has ever existed, our brain.

Right.

And we just don't believe in our ability to use it. But if you just believe in your ability to use it, you're going to use it more. You're not going to pressure yourself so much. You're going to be able to think through things. So you have the capability. You were, you were endowed with With the machinery to solve all the problems that you're trying to solve.

So, and that's the cool thing about PTSD is, you know, what happens in your brain, and this is for a day when I feel a little bit better, but what happens in your brain, right, is you experience this event and that information basically is supposed to go one place and it goes somewhere else in an effort to protect you. It, that doesn't mean that, you know, the place it was supposed to go in the first place, which is your working memory, it was supposed to go into your working memory so you could process the information. And then it was supposed to go into your long-term memory, but it skipped your working memory, right? And so that doesn't mean your working memory doesn't exist. It does not mean your working memory doesn't exist. You're not missing, you're not missing pieces. You have all the pieces. Now we're just working to help our brain do what it should have done in the first place, right?

Mm-hmm.

Do what it was supposed to do in the first place. And I say supposed to do, but it's supposed to protect you. And in the short term, shoving everything under your bed to clean, It works in the long term. It's not as good, right? So in the short term, skipping the processing and putting everything straight into long-term storage, it works in the long term. It doesn't work. So you have all of the systems and we're just working on, on using them. Yeah.

You have the most advanced piece of technology in your head right now.

Like you're like something that we can't replicate no matter how hard we try as the human race.

Maybe some of you just need someone to say, hey, you are freaking brilliant. And like, you have the tools and you, you can do this. So anyways, Lisa says, thank you for ensuring we know how to get familiar with the tools and how to utilize the relief tools effectively. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's such a vital piece. Dale says, do you want to eliminate or just identify and have a strategy to come to peace with the problem? So do you want to eliminate or just identify and have a strategy to come to peace with the problem? So you want to eliminate the problem ideally. I mean, I think that's—

That's the ultimate goal.

That's the goal. And sometimes that means coming to peace with it. Sometimes that means accepting certain realities that we can't change. And a lot of times, I mean, a lot of times that's, I mean, that's, that's part of it. You have to accept some part of it, you know, even if it's just, I accept that the past is the past and like, I can't change the past. But a big part of that is the processing and a big part of that is I'll say there's kind of 2 main, 2 main pieces to processing in and of itself and, and kind of healing trauma. The first piece is a, is, is a shift of belief, right? So you have a belief shift, right? Like you believe this in the beginning. So the trauma causes you to believe this thing and then you change the belief. And then also with that belief change, that requires a release of emotion, right? So a release of the traumatic The emotions that the trauma has inflicted on you, for lack of a better term. So it's like, those are the kind of the 2 main pieces and all these other processing tools kind of help facilitate that. And we also talked about last week or the week before, I forget, the release of emotions, right? So those are kind of the 2 main pieces that help you come to peace with it, that help you accept it, that help you, you know, feel however you want to feel, whatever the goal is, you know, feel empowered or at peace or calm or You know, you like, you get to identify what goal, like how you want to live your life, you know, and you can be a Zen monk and that could be your, your role where you're just like Zen through life and nothing bothers you and you're just like, just calm, you know, whatever it is.

It's up to you.

It's up to you. But those are kind of like the, the, the 2 main elements. So like the belief change is like the more logical shift in the trauma processing. And then the release of emotion is The emotional side of it. And a lot of times, I'm going a little bit deeper here, but just because I find it interesting. A lot of times people try to shift it with a purely logical slant to it, but they don't address the emotional. So if like the belief is rooted in this big emotional trauma, but they try to just move it logically. And that's when there's like this disconnect where it's like, oh, I know that this isn't right, but I don't feel that way. Right. And it's because he never dealt with the emotions. And other times it's like, People just try to, you know, deal with the emotions, but they don't deal with the logic. Like they don't, they don't try to shift that core belief. So they just like let the emotion out and let the emotion out and let the emotion out and let the emotion out. But they don't see that the situation is different, right? They still feel and see and think as though they're stuck where they are in that scenario and that they'll be there forever. So they don't change. So you need the both pieces.

So Tyrone asking a relationship question. How do you know when you're definitely in a toxic relationship or one that can actually be healed?

That's a good question. It's a, it's a challenging question, right? For me, for me, the toxic relationship, I mean, it was like, there's so many, there's so many different relationships and it's, it's, it really comes down to like what, like a personal decision on what you want to do. But basically in a relationship, there's kind of 3 things you can do in any relationship, but in, in kind of a personal relationship, you can stay and you can accept it. As it is, you know, you can work to improve it, stay and work to improve it, or you, or you can leave. For me, I mean, like, if you're just going off the definition of what's toxic and what's not toxic, I mean, you would have to define, you know, what the toxic behavior is. And I mean, for everybody, that, that can be different. For me, it just means it gets to a point where people lose control and you start yelling and it gets, it gets elevated. To me, that's, that's, that's Toxic, right? But for making the decision on whether or not you want to stay in a relationship, because toxic can be kind of like ambiguous, like, what does that mean? You question it, you know why? Because you're like, is this, is this worth it? Is all this pain worth it? At the end of the day, though, it's, it's a personal decision, you know, at what you want to go through and what you want to do, you know, it's your life, it's your relationship, you can accept it the way it is. But for me personally, it was a, you know, it was knowing that the other person was working on themselves and that I was working on myself. And that way there's a hope for the future. If there's no hope for the future, it's like, well, why am I here? Why would I be here? Right? So then, then with that, you can almost come to peace with the process that things are going to be imperfect until you get to that point. But, you know, also something to be aware of in relationships is that it's the majority of, you know, the majority of the progress that's made in a relationship is made from the individual doing individual work.

Mm-hmm.

Right? So they bring a better, better person to, to the table, right?

And again, it has to be your decision, but you can almost kind of inspire the other person by focusing wholly on yourself. Take the focus off the relationship. Again, there's a lot that goes into if you want, you know, to be there or not. But when you take the focus off the relationship, put the focus on yourself, your relationship will get better just naturally, even if they don't do anything, right? Because everyone has their timetable, their, their You know, we want them to, to be as committed to healing as we are and, and be all in it right this second, but they have to walk their own journey to get to that point for themselves as well. And that it can be a little bit tough to wait out that time period if that is something that can be waited out, or if that's something that will eventually happen. And, you know, you don't know if they'll eventually get to the point where they're like, you know what, I will deal with my stuff. So—

That's a great piece, is like being able to see the other person And at the same time, not allow certain things to hurt you or for you to not get into those toxic situations in the first place. Because we get, we get what we allow. Like we allow like the toxic things to happen, you know, again and again and again and again, we feed into it. Sometimes people hook us and they pull us back in, you know, when they're in that emotional spot or they poke us, they try to get you, they try to get you into that fight. So having that self-respect and knowing that that self-respect is so important and Caring about, you know, you, like what's going to make you feel good, you know, and setting those boundaries, like it's going to, like what's going to make you feel good. So it's like part of it is like seeing the other person, you know, being like, hey, I see you. I know this isn't you. And at the same time, like, I'm not going to have this conversation with you right now because I don't want to, you know, because I don't want to, I want to have this charged conversation, you know, because this doesn't work for me. It hurts me. Like, I don't, I don't want to do this. And then you take, you need to take control for what's good for you too. Like, that's a huge part of this because it's not just like, I see you and it's okay that you yell at me all the time, you know, or like you just lose all respect for yourself. It's like, I see you and I'm not going to let this happen.

So again, you put that focus on yourself. What do I need? How can I best heal and bring my best self forward and protect myself?

Yeah, I'll say whenever you're pointing the finger at somebody, that means you're not pointing the finger at you.

Right?

Like you're not focusing on what you can do to make the situation better. And yeah, you know, maybe they are going crazy. Maybe they are super toxic. Maybe they are yelling at you and they shouldn't be screaming at you. That's a them thing. Their emotions are their problem. You need to be able to control that situation to some degree, right? So that you can leave it with dignity and self-respect so you don't get hurt. Right. And because that's taking care of you and you need to be honest about your shortcomings and be like, okay, well, these are my emotions. I'm the one who's responsible for my emotions. If you're the one getting angry, You're the one getting angry. You, you either allow yourself to be pushed that far. It's probably a combination. You, you probably allow yourself to be pushed that far and you have all these underlying pain and trauma or whatever it is that, you know, is causing you to feel that way, both of which are in your control. You allow whether or not you like, you let people treat you a certain way and, you know, you're in control ultimately of, you know, healing your own emotions. So kind of a deeper conversation. Hopefully that gives you a brief question, overall thing.

So Joe asking, doesn't a relationship depend on if both parties are willing to try to change it? If both parties are willing to try and make it better? Yeah, that's a great indication that, I mean, again, there's, there's factors that go into it, but that's a great indication that, that you're moving in the right direction together. You wanna be moving as a team, you know, and, and very often that looks like focusing on you each as individuals to move as a team.

All right. Larian says, Brad, I actioned your request command from yesterday. From yesterday, I put an item. Back in its place, which had been lying around for weeks, plus threw out something I didn't realize was no longer working, plus threw out 3 books from university in the late '90s, heavy, dense ESL teaching books. They'd been sitting on my floor in a pile for years. So thanks for helping me to take action on that.

Amazing. Amazing.

Lock that in. I bet that feels really good, right? I bet it feels good to get rid of those things that have been like cluttering your environment and your mind for years. Right. So remember that, reflect on that and be like, me taking this action that was uncomfortable in the moment gave me that longer-term play pleasure. So, and that's all we talked about on, on Monday is that delayed gratification, right? And that's what this is about. It was like you did an action you didn't really feel like doing, and then you felt that delayed gratification. So something you can help reinforce that is just reflect on the, the gratification that you've had. Take a second to take that in. And really, really build that new belief of, hey, it feels good to clean up. It feels good to get rid of stuff. You know, I like doing this. I love cleaning up because of the feeling it gives me. Right. And then you can start shifting your belief on it because a lot of times we, we do create beliefs around those things, but that's awesome, Lorena.

Amazing job.

I don't know. Do we keep this challenge going?

I challenge you to do it again.

I challenge you to do it again. I don't know, but great job. That's awesome. That's awesome.

Amazing. Amazing job putting it into action. Action is the most important thing. Action, action, action. On this journey, you're not going to get anywhere unless you take action. And each and every one of you are here, you're showing up, you're taking action. So that's awesome. That's, I think, all we have for today.

That's it.

So amazing, amazing job. Keep rocking and rolling. Stay in tune for tomorrow. We're talking about perfectionism, which we're excited about for the rest of the week. And then next week we have some awesome, awesome things planned. So keep rocking and rolling, keep up the amazing work, keep doing your best, and understand that you can. You are very, very capable. So that's all I have for you. Do you have any final words, final thoughts today?

I do. I would say identify one problem that you've had recently and walk through this framework, right? Bring it back to the topic that we talked about today. Identify one problem, bring it through this framework, right? Define the problem, identify the root, create a plan, take action. You wanna start just working through that and you wanna work through this most importantly, this identify root phase to start asking questions and really start your thinking. So that's, that's it.

That's all we have. Yep. Hey, we love you. We believe in you and we will see you bright and early or Late in the evening. Bye, everyone.

Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. If you want to learn more about how you can coach with me directly, there's a link in the description you can check out. There's absolutely no pressure. The main thing is I wanted you to get value from this episode here, but I hope you have a fantastic day and I'll see you in the next one.