#33 Staying Sober Through PTSD: Breaking the Pain–Addiction Cycle | Recovery Secrets Series

Welcome to the Overcoming PTSD Podcast. My name is Brad Schipke, and this is the limited series called Recovery Secrets Daily Coaching. Now, these were private sessions that I originally ran as a paid coaching program, but now for the first time ever, I'm making all 100+ sessions available for free for all of you podcast listeners. And this series is over 100 days of practical strategies that have helped thousands of trauma survivors fully heal. So make sure to subscribe because I'm dropping a new episode every single weekday until the archive is complete, and you definitely do not want to miss it. So without further ado, let's dive on in.

All right, we are live here. Welcome everyone to our Recovery Secrets Daily Coaching Call. Now, we've had an awesome week so far. We talked about compassion on Monday, we talked about a healing routine, we talked about grief yesterday. We had a great conversation on grief. Today we're talking about staying sober through PTSD and through pain. So what I'm going to talk about today, and there's a lot to talk about in regard to The sobriety journey, especially as it, as it comes into play with PTSD and with pain and with trauma. So you're gonna see this topic come up again and again because there's so much to cover, and of course we can't cover it all in one sitting. And then tomorrow we're gonna be covering a couple of what we call relief tools or recovery tools so that we can set you up for success next week. And next week we're doing our first processing boot camp. So super, super exciting things coming up. PTSD, sobriety, and addictions is definitely one of my favorite things to talk about. I've mentioned a few times in talking about this challenge, you know, I've mentioned the word compulsion, I've mentioned the word addiction, right? And so there's a couple of things that we're going to chat about here today as like foundational things for how you'll hear me speak about this, right? And so in— when you look through addiction literature, there are some things that fall under the realm of compulsion and not under the realm of addiction. Now, that's not really super duper important, but I do wanna mention it because things like food, pornography, video games, television, just as a handful of examples, or spending, right, fall under what would by textbook definition be compulsion versus drugs, alcohol fall under by textbook definition what we would call an addiction. Now, that's kind of an important distinction to start out because for those of you who your— I always say your thing, whatever your thing is, right? Everyone has a different thing. For some people it's food, for some people it's video games, for some people it's drugs, you know, or a certain type of drug, for some people it's alcohol, and people can have multiple things, right? So whatever your thing is, it doesn't matter if it falls under addiction or compulsion. And I like to start out with that. And one of the things that's really important in this conversation is understanding that whatever you're facing, whatever your thing or things are, but whatever your thing is, it doesn't matter if it falls under compulsion. You know, it deserves the time and attention to get sober from it, to heal from it. And we're going to talk about the basically the 2 parts of the sobriety journey as it applies to PTSD as it applies to still being on this journey of pain and trauma. So I just put it out there for, for as a question, you know, what are your biggest challenges when it comes to addictions or compulsions? You know, whatever your thing is. Again, it can be TV, it can be video games, it can be spending, it can be food, it can be alcohol, it could be drugs, whatever your thing is. And it's not limited to those things that I listed there. So Lena sharing, when I panic or get triggered, I always go towards food. So we're going to talk about that for sure today, Lena. You know, again, there's there's two journeys that I like to talk about, and I like to introduce them when we're introducing these this topic of addiction. And I'm going to use the word addiction even though some of these things again by textbook are compulsion. But don't don't worry about that. That's really not all that important. The only reason it's important is if you're if your thing right and I'm going to keep using that term. If your thing falls under compulsion and not addiction, when you go to seek help, when you go to you know, reach for literature, when you go to read blogs and go to watch trainings, whatever you're doing to try to kind of help yourself, often what's going to happen is it's going to get invalidated and it's going to get kind of pushed to the side because it's not a, quote, real addiction. It's a compulsion. Right now, the DSM that's, that's current, that's present, is not as updated as, as we are in society, as the mental health industry is. The DSM takes like over a decade to create. And for those of you who don't know, the DSM is just a manual that people use to diagnose certain things, including addictions, right? So it's not really important if it's a compulsion or addiction. If you're dealing with something that is causing you pain and has negative repercussions, but you still do it regardless of those negative repercussions, that's something that we need to handle. That's something that we need to deal with. Okay, so we're go— if you're going to this thing, regardless of the repercussions that it has on your life, and you find it hard, challenging, or what can feel like impossible to stop that thing despite wanting to stop that thing, that's what we're talking about today. Okay, regardless of the, the label that we put on it. So what I want to start out with is there's 2 journeys when it comes to addiction. So number one, Is the habit. That's journey number 1. So the habitual thing that you're doing, the actual habit, right? So you get into a routine, you get into a habit. That's journey number 1. Journey number 2 is the pain, or we can say trauma. Well, they seem intertwined. They're not intertwined. There are 2 different things going on here. There's the habitual, the actual habit, right? The actual We'll call it physical, right? But mental habit. And then there's the pain. Now, these are separate things, but what's going to happen is the pain is going to drive this habit. So, right? So Lena had shared, you know, when I panic or get triggered, I go towards food. And so a lot of people can, when it comes to the conversation about addiction, you know, it's like a chicken or an egg situation. Okay. Well, do I deal with the habitual thing first? Or do I deal with the pain and the trauma first? Right? So it's is it the chicken or is it the egg that came first? And and how do I go about this journey? And so if anything, or if you leave with nothing else today except for this, I want you to leave with the understanding that you don't have to fully heal before you get sober, before you deal with this habit. Okay? So I'm going to say that again. You don't have to fully heal before you deal with this habit. Now, a lot of us— and I'm going to get a little bit hard, so I'm just going to let you know right now, I'm going to get a little bit tough. Okay? So this will be hug kicking the butt moment. A lot of us can make excuses for these bad habits, these addictions, these compulsions, and that a tremendous excuse that we make is pain, is trauma, is getting triggered. What I want you to understand is that you are still capable of making choices. Even when you're in the depths of PTSD, even when you're in the depths of pain, even when you're in the most intense pain. Okay? So the most intense pain is not an excuse. Again, here's where I'm getting a little tough. It's not an excuse to use, right? And so when I'm saying use, I'm saying basically go and do that thing, that addiction. So this is really important. And so what, again, what gets very, very convoluted in this conversation And, and, you know, it, it was challenging for me to, to learn this too, was basically, what do I do first? I know that there's a bad habit at play here, but I also know that this pain, these triggers, this trauma is driving that bad habit, right? It's pushing me towards that bad habit. And that's absolutely true. This is going to spur you into that bad habit a lot faster than if this was eliminated. But let me tell you a secret. If this was eliminated, if this journey didn't exist, this would still exist, right? And so the habit would still exist. And I'm going to be honest with you, it's not any easier to actually deal with this habit and get sober without the pain and trauma. Because what your brain is actually going to do— and this is wild, this is wild— what your brain is actually going to do, even if this pain and trauma doesn't exist, even if you do all your healing, Your brain is going to create symptoms. It's going to create anxiety because it knows how to get you to use. It's wired to use. Okay, we've allowed it, or we've— now we'll say we'll, we'll, we'll be real tough today. We've allowed it to get into this habit of using. Okay, and so your brain now is wired to go down this route. That's the path of least resistance. Okay, our neural pathways are just They're just firing and they are driving us down that bad route because what's down that bad route is an instant rush of dopamine, pleasure, whatever it is. You get the hit. Okay? You literally get the hit. And so your brain wants that hit. Even if this pain and trauma does not exist, your brain is going to create something to get you that hit. Okay? And so right now what's happening is we're, you know, we're in pain, we're in the depths of PTSD, we get triggered. And so our brain's like, okay, great. Like we get triggered. Now let's go do this thing because it numbs it for a little bit or makes us short-term, you know, zone out or feel a little bit better or get a little bit rush of pleasure, right? And then of course there are negative consequences after that. But if you don't have this, like I said, your brain is going to create it. So if you eliminated all your pain and trauma right now, this would still be an incredibly hard journey because your brain's going to make you feel anxious for no reason. And the, the reason that it's making you feel anxious, the reason that it's, it's making you feel like you wanna maybe lash out at a spouse or even pick a fight. is because it knows, it knows the process that you take, and it's going to drive that process. Okay, if we're anxious, then we're going to get to this end goal of using. Your brain has one goal in mind when you're addicted and when you have a compulsion, and it's how do I get to the point where I'm using, where I'm getting that dopamine hit? Okay, that's what your brain is focused on. Your brain will create anything and everything. It will create pain and trauma, it will create anxiety, it will create depression, it will create anger. It will create it even if it doesn't exist. And so that's why it's really important that we make the addiction, the compulsion, the bad habit— we make that a focus while we're still on our healing journey. Because you don't get to the end of the healing journey and then that habit's easy to change. It's, it's, it's wired into your brain in a specific way. So it's going to be challenging no matter what. And I'm just going to be straightforward. I'm going to be honest with you about that. If you have a habit, if you have a compulsion and you're like, I want to quit but I can't— now you can, right? You're capable of that. I want to quit but I've, I've continuously been unable to do so. That's going to be a challenging journey, okay? But you are more than capable of taking that journey and taking the steps necessary to complete that journey. Now here's what I will say again about these 2 paths here. We want to focus on the habit, and we're going to talk a little bit more about that today. And Also, you're on this healing journey, okay? And so alleviating as many triggers as possible, you know, getting through this healing journey is going to, is going to help you along the sobriety journey as well. They're just not as intertwined as people think. So they run parallel to each other. But again, even if this pain didn't exist, your addiction compulsion would create it because it's wired to get you to use. So those are the 2 journeys. Does that make sense? Okay, it's really important to understand this, really important, because a lot of people say, oh, like, well, once, once all this pain is over— I'm going to tell you something else, and again, I'm being a little tough today. You are always going to experience challenges. You are always going to experience pain. Always. Now, it's not always going to be the most intense pain that you've ever experienced. It's not always going to be trauma pain, but there will be pain. There will be challenges. There will be hard times. There will be losses. Okay? And so what's really important is you need to understand for the rest of your life, you need to have the capability and the knowledge and the reference and the power to be able to stay sober, stay healthy, regardless of the pain that you are facing. You need to be healthy regardless of the pain that you are facing. Okay? And so what sometimes will happen for people is, you know, they'll do a lot of their healing or they'll get out of a situation that was causing them tremendous healing. The addiction will get better, maybe a little bit, right? But then they'll face pain again, and they're right back in the addiction cycle. So we need to be able to break the cycle, break the habit, break the addiction, the compulsion, regardless of the pain that we're facing. Okay, and so that's the big conversation today: understanding that these are on two different playing fields. Now, a big question, right, is okay. So so how do I do that? Right, because the pain is is driving me towards this habit. It absolutely is. That's going to happen. Okay, what we need to do is basically break the patterns. This is the habitual part. Break the patterns that our brain wants to go down to get us to the point where we're using. If I'm going to say one thing about how to get yourself or keep yourself sober regardless of what pain that you're facing, what do we think? Self-talk. Okay, and so I When last Monday when we talked about self-talk, I basically said this is, this is what made— it's make or break in your journey in a lot of different areas. Now, in addiction specifically, again, there's so much more that we need to kind of— we need to talk about when we talk about addictions. But just to give you a little bit of foundation today, Lisa, nice. Inner dialogue, self-talk. Self-talk is going to drive you towards that addiction or drive you away from that addiction. So I know, I think it was Joanne. That mentioned, you know, when I had asked what's the, you know, what's the challenges, what are the challenges that you're facing when it comes to addictions and compulsions, had mentioned compulsive thinking, worst-case scenario thinking that causes pain, right? So we need to watch out for what's going on here because when we experience pain, so here's what happens, right? We experience pain. What do you do when you're in pain? Then you use. Okay, now what happens After you use, after you get the hit, what are the repercussions of you using? Not immediately, because you get the high, right? What happens after that? Okay, there's a great one, Lena, right? You use and then you feel some sort of hate, some sort of shame, right? Some sort of maybe anxiety, right? And so what really is that? I mean, here's a very basic version, right? You use, You feel pain, you feel pain, you use. Now you can enter this cycle at any point. You're, you're probably going to enter here, right? You're probably going to be fine, everything should be going well, and then you're going to feel pain, you're going to use, and then pain, use, pain, use, pain, use. So we need to break out of this cycle. So the next time that we feel pain, we need to do something different to get out of this cycle, right? So whatever— now pain can be anything. Pain can be you got triggered, or it can be you use and then you don't feel good about yourself. It can be you had a fight with your partner. It can be all sorts of things. So what we to do is break— in a very, very basic sense— is break out of this cycle. Now, self-talk is going to come into play again and again and again here, because really the first thing that I want you to do is validate whatever you have going on. I, that I really— that's going to be the most important thing. If, if you're like, I think I'm addicted to TV, go with it. If you're feeling, I think I have an addiction and it doesn't fall under addiction and it falls under compulsion— I think I'm addicted to food, I think I'm addicted to spending, If your gut is kind of telling you that, go with it. Validate that. It doesn't matter what the world says. It doesn't matter what the world thinks. Because once you go online, if you don't have like a classic addiction, if you're not addicted to drugs or alcohol basically, and you go online and you look up like, what do I do with a TV addiction? People are going to tell you, well, just watch less TV. Okay. You don't tell an addict to just, okay, we'll just do less drugs. Just drink less alcohol. That's not helpful advice, okay? That's not going to help you, okay? And so that very often is going to invalidate you. So the self-talk is going to come into play to validate that you're in an addiction cycle. It might be television, it might be video games, it might be something that growing up in school or, you know, throughout your life you've never heard paired with the term addiction. You have an addiction. In my eyes, you have an addiction that if you use regardless of the negative consequences and you wanna stop, but you find yourself unable to, right? It's not an addiction if you can just not. If you can just not. For example, video games are no issue for me. I could play video games and, you know, I just, I really just don't enjoy them, right? And even when I do enjoy them, I only enjoy them for a short period of time. I can go years without playing video games and then play them for 10 minutes, you know, when we're hanging out with— You know, my brother, whatever it is, and then never play them again, right? That's, that's e— that's easy for me to, to turn on or turn off. Like, yeah, I'll play a video game with you, and then it's easy for me to walk away. For some people, they get sucked in for hours and hours. Or social media. Social media. If you find yourself sucked in, if you wanna stop but you find yourself unable to, you use and then you don't feel good about it. I can sit and I can play video games with my brother, you know, every couple of years for an hour or 30 minutes, whatever it is. I don't feel pain afterwards. I don't feel pain because it's not an addiction. Okay? So whatever your thing is, validate it with that self-talk. That's really important. And then the self-talk is really going to help you break out of the cycle. Again, this is like bare bones information, but I want you to have the foundation. It's going to help you break out of this cycle because it's going to lead you into the cycle or it's going to allow you to break through it. Okay? So self-talk is going to be key here. Watch your thoughts. Your thoughts will lead you from pain into using. They will. You might not be aware of them, but everything starts up here. Your decision to use starts in your mind. Again, you're getting a little bit of a tough Coach K today, right? But your decision to use starts in your mind. So your self-talk will make you use, will allow you to use, or will break you out of that. So you need to be vigilant about that. You need to be in control Of that. And then when you feel that pain, you need to make a different choice. And here's what's really important: you are capable of making a different choice. You are capable of making a different choice. Now, when it comes to addiction, sometimes making that different choice is going to feel like fighting the urge to breathe. Like you're underwater and you, you need your next breath, and it's going to feel like you are fighting the urge to breathe, okay? It's going to be that hard. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's going to be that hard, but you have to go through it in order to get healthy. The good news is it's not going to be that hard forever. It's that hard for a certain period of time, and it's not that hard every single time you're making this decision. But sometimes it's going to be that hard, and it's going to be hard for a certain period of time. Now, when it comes to addiction literature, typically the kind of agreed-upon period of time where it's going to feel like that, it's going to be extremely challenging, is that 90-day mark, that 90-day period. For me, it was like 110 days where it was like fighting the urge to breathe, and then it was like overnight almost a non-issue. Okay, now you still have to stay a little vigilant, you know, throughout that next, you know, year, year and a half, right? But it, it goes from like a 10 hard to like a 2. Okay, and that's a tremendous difference. So watch yourself talk. Understand that you are capable of— there are choices that you can make. You have free will. You are capable of making those choices. Now, again, a lot of big conversations in just this 30 minutes that we'll go into all of these more in detail in their own time. All these deserve their own kind of session. I just wanted to give a whole conversation, right? So When it comes to this, when it comes to that self-talk in that moment where you know you're experiencing that pain and you're choosing to do something different, couple of things again just kind of right off the cuff here. You're going to want to have a plan ahead of time. What are you going to do instead of that thing? Make sure you have a couple of things that you can do that you're willing to do instead of that addiction, instead of that compulsion. There are other options. Okay, so you want to plan ahead. You're going to experience pain again. I'm just going to be honest with you. You are going to experience pain again. You can. Absolutely. I can absolutely guarantee that you're not going to, you know, get sober and be sober and then never experience pain again. That pain is going to come into play, and this is what makes it challenging. So you want to plan ahead of time other things that you can do, healthy things that you can do. That's kind of step one. Now, when it comes to that self-talk in this moment where you're working to break out of that cycle, right, you, you can do this in many different ways. And this is where I want you to take it upon yourself to say, what's going to work best for me? Now, for some people, You know, if you follow AA literature, what you're gonna kind of say here is, hey, like, I'm powerless over my addiction, right? I'm powerless over my addiction, and I, you know, I can't even go near it. And that's gonna allow you to make a different choice. For other people, that powerless mindset is not something that resonates with them. That's okay. You know, in this moment, your self-talk can say, I'm powerless, and that works for you, and that actually makes you empowered by saying, hey, I'm powerless over this. And I'm gonna go down this other route instead, right? Or again, depending on you as a person, depending on what feels right and what resonates with you as a person, you know, that self-talk in this moment might look like, hey, I, I am in control. I do have free will. I can do this, and I'm choosing to go down a different route. Very different, but with the same outcome. Okay? So very different kind of— the self-talk itself looks different, but with the same outcome. So you have to kind of decide for yourself what's gonna work best for you and what's gonna resonate best for you. It has to resonate with you. Okay, so one more thing I want to talk about, really kind of two more things I want to talk about with addiction before we wrap up and kind of move into a Q&A, is commitment. It's commitment to this addiction and looking at the repercussions. Okay, so you need to be committed if you're going to— and I'm explaining this moment from pain to using as sometimes fighting the urge to breathe. Okay, now that's a huge— that's a, that's a really heavy amount of pain. That's a really heavy drive, desire towards that next breath. Every fiber in your being is going to wanna go towards that next breath, that next hit. Okay? So you need to be committed to this journey, which is why that validation is important. Okay? So I've written a few things here in regard to addiction, right? Number one, you gotta validate it. Again, all this is happening with self-talk. Whatever your thing is, if it's video games, if it's pornography, if it's television, if it's drugs, if it's alcohol, whatever your thing is, validate it. Understand that just as for a drug addict and their addiction, which most people would just have the widely held belief that they're an addict and they need to work on that and it's having negative consequences, just as easy as it is to say, yeah, that's an addiction, they need to work on that, right? They need to help that for sure. That's, that's no good for them. You need to validate that for yourself. There are going to be people in your life, depending on what your thing is, what your addiction is, who are going to say that's not an addiction. Or, you know, like, you know, if your addiction is TV, well, you can't just never watch TV again. Well, I mean, actually, yeah, I mean, you could, right? But you're going to have to validate it. You're going to have to put yourself first and have such a strong conviction that it doesn't matter what anybody else says. Now, in the meantime, while you're working on that validation, don't ask for advice, ignore advice, and you can kind of push that advice away. Keep yourself kind of in a sacred space for that. So validation. Number 2 is the consequences. This is one of the few times in your journey where I want you to intentionally drive a tremendous amount of pain. I want you to intentionally think about all of the negative consequences that your addiction causes. When you use, it's not just you using, it's not just you watching TV, it's not just you, you know, eating that certain thing, it's not just you, whatever it is, playing that, that playing video games for a day, right? It's not just that. What are the consequences of that? When you use, not only do you feel worse about yourself, when you feel worse about yourself, you don't treat your partner as well, right? And your relationship doesn't go as well. When you, when you use, you don't spend time working on yourself. You don't spend time bettering yourself. You don't spend time on your dreams and your goals. You miss out on time maybe with your pets or your family, right? When you use, the next day you're not as focused. You're not as clear. You don't feel as confident. You won't feel as healthy. You don't feel as present. Okay? When you're not present, you're missing out on your life. I mean, we only have one life to live, right? And so these are just some, some surface examples, but I want you to sit down and I want you to think about the consequences, and I want you to drive that pain. This should be incredibly uncomfortable no matter what your thing is. Think about the consequences. You know, you're putting your life at risk, really. That's, that's ultimately what it is. You're putting your life at risk when you use. Doesn't matter what it is, you're putting your life at risk, and you're at risk of hurting— you are hurting the people that you love, you know, your family, your friends, even if they don't know You know, you're addicted in a certain way, just by not kind of bringing your best whole healthy self to the table, it's going to affect them. So I want you to really think about the ripple effect there. Okay? Number 3 here is that commitment. Now, those consequences are gonna help you drive that commitment. Sit down and write those consequences. Get emotional with it. Feel the pain. Feel that pain. That's okay. In that moment, that's okay. Really think about what's at stake. Okay? Because there are 2 journeys you're gonna take. You're either gonna get sober and you're gonna get healthy, and that's your journey, or you're gonna stay addicted. And that's your journey. And the consequences, you're looking that future in the face with those consequences. Okay? So really think about that, and that's gonna drive your commitment. You need to be committed to this journey. When I'm telling you right here, you choosing to do something else instead of use is going to be like fighting the urge to breathe. You need to be freaking, excuse my language, committed to this journey for you, not for anyone else. Now, your family's gonna factor into it. Right? Because we don't want to hurt the people that we love. But you have to be committed to this for yourself. For yourself. At the end of the day, you're the only person that matters. So, you know, even if you're in a fight with your spouse, even if, you know, whatever, you're, you're alone at the end of the day. You, you need that commitment because there are going to be times when you're alone. No one's looking over your shoulder. No one's going to know if you use or you don't, other than, you know, the energy that you bring and the wholesomeness that you bring in the future. No one's going to know if you use or you don't except for you. Okay, so you— it's gonna weigh on your conscience and no one else's. So you need to be committed, committed to the point where you can be put in a situation and you can step out of it. You can be put basically in the middle of a situation where maybe other people are using, or you're in there, you like just like in the smack in the middle of it, and you can step out of it because that's how strong your commitment is to a better life, to sobriety. Understanding it's not going to be this hard forever. You're really looking at a 90-day stint Of challenge. So commitment and then dedication. You need to be dedicated to this journey. And okay, and how is that different from commitment? So I wanna pull something up here. So dedication is just slightly, slightly different than commitment, right? So commitment is actually by definition the state of being dedicated to an activity. Dedication is the single-minded focus or loyalty. Mm-hmm. To a thing, so dedication is about being single-minded. So when we're talking about addictions, when we're talking about compulsions, when we're talking about a big, big topic like this, I want you to basically single task. And so sometimes when we're talking about this, what we're doing on this journey specifically in basically the first ninety days of this is I want you to have the mindset. And this is one of the a tremendous, tremendous benefit that you know AA brings to their content is. Is it's just today? Single-minded. All I have to do is be sober today. And now if that's too much and you're like, I don't know if I can be sober for a day, all you have to do is not use. Be sober right now. That's all you have to do. I know that you're capable of that. I know that you're capable of that. All you have to do is not use right now. Okay? And that's going to come into that self-talk when you experience that pain and that pain is going to come. Okay? You watch your thoughts. Watch your thoughts and you can repeat these things to yourself. You know, I'm dedicated, I'm committed to think about the consequences of if you go down that route, if you use, okay? And just tell yourself, all I have to do is not use right now. I know I'm capable of that. Forget about later in the day. Forget about tomorrow. Forget about, you know, 2 months from now or 2 weeks from now. All I have to do is not use right now. And then you can choose a different path. Now it's gonna come down to that self-talk big time. So just sum up here, validate, consequences, commitment, dedication, and all of this self-talk is gonna come into play big time, okay? In this, we've drawn a very, very basic Example of the addiction cycle, which is pain, use, pain, use, pain, use, pain, use. Okay, that's that's really all that kind of matters with with the addiction cycle. Now, when you're stepping out of that pain, there's lots of things that you can do. Lots of things. Recovery toolbox tools are a great thing because they're going to help lessen that pain. There's so many healthy things that you can do in your life. You can you can again depending on what your addiction is, you can cook, you can go hang out with friends, you can go for a walk with your pet, you can sit down and color, you can listen to an audiobook, you can listen to music, you can exercise, you can. Go for a drive. I mean, there's— those are just rattled off my head. There's all sorts of things that you can do. You can journal, you can work on your recovery toolbox tools, you can pop on for an episode of this, you can, you know, do some healing, do some releasing emotions. There's all sorts of things you can do. You can do some visualization exercises. There's all sorts. You can, you can pick up a novel, you can pick up a book, you can pick up a self-help book. There's all sorts of things you can— but you can go for a hike, you could just call a friend, you know, call that friend Or that person in your life that just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. I have that person in my life. I call my mom, I'm like, hey, Ma, what's up? Right? If I'm looking to sometimes just, just hang out or just, you know, sometimes just like kill a little time cuz I'm waiting for something and she'll just go 20, 30, 40 minutes. She'll just go. I'll be like, thanks, Mom. Great talking to you. I, you know, I gotta run now. She just, she can just go and go and go. And if you notice, I also have that skill and ability. Okay? So there's all sorts of things that you can do. One of the things that I loved was, and we didn't even touch on this today, was about environment. Get out of the environment where you're using. If TV is your thing, get out of the house. You know, delete those things from your phone. Get outta the house. Leave your phone at home. Call a friend, FaceTime a friend, right? If, if video games or whatever your thing is, you know, you're gonna be less likely to— now don't hang out in a group of people that are using, right? So if, if your group of people, you know, do drugs and drink and that's using, don't hang out in that group of people. Right? But if your thing is pornography or video games and your friends don't engage in that altogether, go, you know, FaceTime one of your friends. I used to do that, you know, because I'm not using when I'm talking to a friend. When I'm on FaceTime with a friend, I'm not using. I'm not playing video games when I'm, when I'm cooking. Okay? So think about the things that you can do and they don't have to be productive. Go sit in a, just take a bath. That's one of my favorite things. Take a bath, take a nap. You're not using if you're sleeping. Okay, so there's all sorts of things you can do. So the road to sobriety looks a little something like this. So we have 3 basic sections, 3 basic sections. Section number 1, we call recovery rehearsal, and this is maybe where you're at right now. Now, everyone goes through this, but sometimes you're going through this without— but before you validate that this is an addiction, before you see that the pain that this has on your life, and before a lot of different things. Okay, so Recovery rehearsal, you might have, you might be in that just because you haven't taken this seriously as an addiction before, or you might be in that because you're struggling to get into this 90 days for a number of reasons. But we all kind of start in the recovery rehearsal phase, right? So where you start to question, like, you know, or you start to say, I want to not do this anymore. I want to not watch TV anymore. I don't want to drink anymore, but you find yourself doing it again, whether you're really seriously taking that Seriously as an addiction or not, that's the phase that you're finding yourself in. Okay, so recovery rehearsal. There's going to be all sorts of ups and downs in recovery rehearsal. Now eventually you move into the point where you get into your 90 days, right? And so recovery rehearsal is basically like the seesaw where you're like, okay, well, I didn't drink for 5 days, but then now I'm drinking again. Okay, that's recovery rehearsal where you're up and down, up and down, sober, not sober, you know, basically like using, using, using, or relapsing again and again and again. Over fairly short periods of time. Maybe you make it to 30 or 45 days and then you use again. Okay, still in recovery rehearsal. Now, each time that happens, what you wanna do— again, we're covering a lot of content here— is you wanna reflect on why did that happen so that we can prevent it and really get through our 90 days. 90 days, again, is the kind of the commonly held understanding of where it's going to be toughest and where you make the biggest changes. Like I said, for me it was like 110 days. Maybe for you it's gonna be like 85 days, 80 days. But it's commonly about 90 days of what's going in the brain, right? And maybe it's gonna be 125 days, not really super important. Now in the 90 days, there's gonna be ups and downs, but you're going to be sober for those 90 days. Now, something that when it comes to compulsions, when it comes to things that are not, you can't just remain abstinent from, like food, for example, you have to define what sobriety is and what sobriety means to you. And now I've drawn these waves. Because sometimes it's going to be tremendously easy. You're gonna have just an easy day. Now, not very often, but every now and then you're gonna have an easy day. And sometimes it is going to be, and it is literally going to feel like the hardest thing in the world to stay sober. And you are going to have a day or multiple days where all the only thing that you can focus on is not using, is getting outta the house, is taking naps, is, is stepping away from the computer, the TV, whatever it is. Okay. And not, not even working. You know, like literally taking the day off from work because there's so much, you know, anxiety. Your brain, all it wants to do is use. It wants you to use. There's so much anxiety, there's so much pain, right? That it's all that you can do to not use. Now, that's a huge win. Okay, so there's gonna be all sorts of ups and downs on this journey until you get, you know, past this 90-day point and you have this, this life journey now, right? And now after the 90-day point, and again, for you it might be 85 days, for me it was like 110 days. Something changes, right? And so not only are things in your brain changing, but something changes where it stops going from this tremendous challenge where you're fighting a lot. You're fighting a lot. There's a lot of anxiety. There's a lot of pain. It feels hard. It feels hopeless. You feel like, how can I do this for a lifetime? Now, in your 90 days, you don't have to do it for a lifetime. You just have to not use right now. You just have to be sober right now. And then you get to the point, again, between 85 and 110 days, might be a little longer, might be a little shorter. Where you get into this, this life of sobriety. Okay, now there's still going to be ups and downs. Typically, it's just going to get easier and easier and easier, you know. And every now and then, there's going to be like a moment where you're like, wow, like, wait a minute, I feel like— I feel, I feel the urge. I feel the urge to go and do this, this bad thing. Like, no, like, no, I can't, I can't do that thing. And it's going to be a little bit more active than at other times. So there's still a little bit of a waiver here, but it's going to get tremendously easier. Okay, until it's It's not even a second thought. In the 90 days, typically it's the only thing on your mind, the only thing on your mind. Okay? Once you get into this life, what you'll feel is, you know, it's normal to not use. And that's my automatic mode of being. And I feel pain and I do these other things. Okay? Until every now and then it's like, oh wow, I feel the urge to use. And you just don't. And you make it your focus and then you can move on. So it doesn't take up a tremendous amount of energy. And that just gets easier and easier and better and better and better. As you build this habit, because what you've learned in this 90 days is how to experience pain and stay sober, and you've changed the neural pathways in your brain, right? So not only have you broken the habit, but you've learned how to experience pain and stay sober. Once you have this 90 days under your belt, once you have a couple of days like this where it's like, wow, that was the hardest day, or I went through something really hard, or I went through a bad breakup or whatever, and you stayed sober, nobody can take that away from you. Nobody can take that away from you. And I want you to take those moments and I want you to run with them. Because if you were able to stay sober through your breakup, through a tough moment, through, uh, you know, a trigger, a lash out, you have that in your pocket forever. Nobody, including you, can ever, ever take that away from you. So when you face hard moments in the future, you can reflect and you can say, hey, wait a minute, I made it through this, this breakup, or I made it through— remember that time I was triggered and, you know, I, I had a fight with my spouse, whatever it was? If I made it through that, I can make it through this. And you keep chugging along. Your action is gonna depend on, on where you are kind of in this journey. But for those of you who are already on a recovery, on a sobriety journey, you know, what I want you to think about is what we talked about in regards to validation and commitment and where you are on this, on this cycle here. If you're finding yourself in recovery rehearsal, I want you to introspect. A couple weeks ago, we talked about introspection. I want you to introspect. I want you to say, how do I get into that 90 days? I want you to watch that self-talk. I'm gonna be honest with you, if there's one thing that made or break— made or broke— really made my sobriety, it's self-talk. In these moments, your brain, all it wants to do is use. All it wants to do is use, and you need to get in control. I would stand in front of the mirror, I'd put my hands on the counter, I'd look myself in the eye, and I would talk to myself. And you know, you can, you can do that, and you can say the Serenity Prayer, you can get in a shower, you, you know, whatever your thing is, choose what your thing is. For me, it would be get in a hot shower. Love a hot shower, hot bath, right? And look in front of the mirror. Look in front of the mirror and remind myself, hey, I'm not doing this. I'm going to do this instead. You can do this. It's going to be all right. All we have to do is not use today. Okay? That's all we have to do. Remind yourself of these little sayings. Awesome job with this content. Now, tomorrow we are going to be covering some relief tools. Actually, when we're talking about like the addiction cycle and we're talking about what else to do when you experience that pain, relief tools, recovery toolbox tools, like in The Art of Trauma Relief, right? So For those of you who don't have that book, you can get it for free. That's my first book. It's all about recovery toolbox tools. It's all about how to ease the pain of triggers, how to get from a state of pain into a state of calm. Okay, now it's manual work. You have to build the muscle to do this, but it's absolutely worth it to get from that state of pain into a more calm, controlled state. That's going to help you tremendously with your addiction. So to everyone asking, have you heard of PTSD causing neuroplastic pain? So kind of what we talked about here, Tyrone, is without talking about it— not, not without talking about it, without getting like specifically detailed on it— everything that we're really talking about when it comes to addictions, when it comes to habits, what we're doing in these moments where our brain wants to go down one route but we're saying no, we're going to go down another route. And so when we're choosing sobriety over addiction is we're rerouting our neural pathways. In our brain. So, you know, the addiction neural pathway, we'll call it, the addiction neural pathway is very grooved in. It's very, very strong. Okay? It's, it's big and it's strong and it's easy to fly down. It's a highway. Okay? And what we're asking your brain to do is to forage a path through the woods when we're choosing sobriety. Okay? So, you know, you wanna get from point A to point B. You just wanna feel good, right? Now, there's all sorts of ways to feel good. Not using is going to make you feel good eventually. Right? But your brain's like, well, there's the highway and we can be there in 10 seconds. And we're asking it, well, actually, here's this path in the woods and it's going to be more wholesome, but it's going to take a little while. It's going to be a lot of effort, right? Our brain is not going to want to do that. So it takes effort to change that neural pathway. Now, the more you walk down that woods path, the clearer it becomes, the stronger it becomes, the faster it becomes. And the less you take that highway, the weaker it becomes, the more run down it becomes, the more overgrown it becomes. And, and so When we're talking about neuroplasticity, neuroplasticity is basically the changing in different ways. The words I'm going to use are not going to line up with the exact definition, but the changing of those neural pathways, the changing of the structure of our brain. So that's the ability for our brain to grow and change. And so that's what we're doing is we're changing from this neural pathway to this, and that is called neuroplasticity, right? And so when it comes to like neuroplastic pain, right, you remember what I said if you were here for when I said your brain is going to cause pain in order to try to get you to go down a certain route. So even if there's no pain driving your addiction, you know, and there's no trauma, your brain is going to make it up. It's going to make you feel anxious for no reason. It's going to make you feel depressed, angry, frustrated for no reason. So that you go down the addictive route. That's the addiction speaking. That's your brain being wired to seek the hit. Okay, and so that's kind of where that kind of falls underneath. So I love this. This is awesome. The I read this wrong the first time, Joe. I'm dyslexic. So the LDS LDS addiction recovery program includes any form of addiction, anything you feel is addiction. That's really important. It's really important that you validate your addiction. Because if it doesn't fall under what we in the last 50, 100 years have considered addiction as a society, it's gonna be hard. You're gonna get a lot of feedback. You're gonna get a lot of advice that is not going to serve you on this journey. She's sharing, that's smart. Validate your feeling. I'm trying to figure out, I'm trying to figure out what I could be, what could be an addiction for me. I would probably say curing what everybody else thinks about me. Not really a physical addiction, but it can cause some problems. This would help with that. Yeah. So this mindset in general, So you might be like, yep, for sure TV's my addiction, or for sure pornography's my addiction, or for sure it's video games, for sure it's spending, for sure it's food, for sure it's drugs, for sure it's alcohol, right? And that might be like, yep, nope, for sure it's my thing. Or, you know, you can take all this content, you can take this mindset, you can take this process, and you can apply it to anything. You really can apply it to anything, and it's gonna help you tremendously in anything. So that's awesome, Judy. Way to be an independent healer, right? Way to say, well, how can I, how can I take this on and, and make this work for me? Awesome. Joe sharing, my big addiction is codependency, addiction to other people who are addicted, dysfunctional, right? So that's going to fall under that, that same process. So you see what, like, the, the process is remaining, the foundation is kind of remaining the same, and then it's going to be how we approach it and what we do with the process, how we go through the process, that's going to be changed and tweaked. Awesome job, everybody. Amazing, amazing awareness on that. Mimi sharing, I've put and post on my fridge door and in it, how committed are you? So that's a great question, right? So for cues in your environment— now, we didn't get the opportunity to talk about environment much today, but cues in your environment. Now, you can't escape everything in the world. You can choose to not have alcohol in your house, right? You can choose to delete television apps from your phone. You can choose to not go on certain websites. But the availability— those websites are always going to be there for you to be able to visit. The liquor store is always gonna be there for you to be able to visit. Okay? So you can't, you, you can't escape everything, right? And so we wanna optimize our environment as much as possible, which again, we didn't really get the chance to talk about today. But little cues in your environment can be really helpful as well, cuz sometimes we're going through this without awareness. A sticky note on your computer that, you know, just says something, something like that. How committed are you? Or maybe lists like 3 of your top consequences. Right? And so for me, when I was going through, you know, listing my consequences, which was a very challenging thing and very emotional, you know, one of my biggest ones was the time I have left with Shiloh right now. My, you know, my dog Shiloh's just— he just turned 12 right now. This was years ago that I did this, but the time I have left with him, I would much rather be walking on the beach with him, and I'd much rather walk on the beach with him for hours than, than engage in any sort of addiction, really, than do anything else. Right? Or the time I have left with my family. And, you know, I thought about who do I want to be as a mom, right? In the next stage of my life, who do I want to be as a role model, right? And I don't want my kids to look up to someone who lives their life like this. Okay, so little things like that. Put them on a sticky note, put them on your computer, put them on your phone, keep them in your pocket. You know, there's all sorts of things that you can do. I love that, Mimi. That's awesome. I like the thought of breaking the cycle. You're gonna break it wide open. You're gonna break that thing until it is so broken You cannot repair it. That's the idea there. Helene, great to have you here. Helene sharing dedication is being single-minded. All I have to do is not use or watch in this minute. You can go and sometimes in these really tough days, these really tough times, thinking about all I have to do is not use today is too much. That is too— that's too overwhelming, right? When I was here, like just before I entered my 90 days, and I was like, I'm not going to do this for the rest of my life. That was not a thought that I could have. That I wasn't like, yep, I'm just not going to do this for the rest of my life. That can be defeating for some people. Again, it's going to depend on you as a person. You know, could I see myself even not using for a whole day? I was like, well, like, I know that's possible. But what I for sure know that I can do, especially in these hard moments, I know that I cannot use right now. I know that. And that's all I have to convince myself of is to not use right now. So that's a good note. I love it.

Awesome.

Awesome. So Joe shared something about commitment, right? Being a double-edged sword for you specifically. So Joe, what I recommend kind of based on your comment there is, you know, you can, you can have commitments like that, and then also you can get maybe more specific would be helpful to get more specific with those commitments or to think about if those commitments are coming from a healthy place, right? So I would encourage you to do some introspection on that commitment. And if that was coming from a place of pain or a place of, you know, keeping yourself safe, and if that is something that's gonna— you can see in your future keeping yourself healthy, right? So we want to build a healthy future for ourselves. Now you can, again, you can get more specific with those commitments, uh, you know, to specific types of relationships or with specific people, or do or don't do specific things with those commitments. So it's not As broad, or you can think about, you know, is that going to be best for me long-term? And you can kind of tweak that commitment if you introspect on kind of where it's coming from. What an eye-opener hearing how our brain goes after the addiction, even after the pain of trauma. I had gotten way past the craving and then it was back, right? So your brain is— it's gonna make stuff up. It's going to make stuff up. It's unbelievable that it will make stuff up. It will cause problems that are not there in order to get you to use. That's, that's like how strong an addiction can become, a habit can become, that you're, you're basically reliant on it, or your brain thinks that you need it as much as or more than you need the air that you breathe, right? For those of you who have, you know, been through a sobriety journey, been sober for a while, been through your 90 days, or have started this journey, or have been in this recovery rehearsal process, Recovery rehearsal process, you'll know like how how challenging it can be to not do something. To not do something. I'm not even. I'm not asking you to run a marathon. All you have to do is not watch TV, right? All you have to do is not do something. Oh, but man, is it a challenge! And your brain will make stuff up in order to convince you that you need to use more than anything, and that it's okay to use. It will make all sorts of excuses. All sorts of excuses. You know, well, TV makes me feel good because it's funny, right? And that actually makes me laugh, and it helps me connect with my friends and my family because, you know, we talk about the shows that we watch, right? It's going to say anything and everything to get you to use. It's a master manipulator. So make sure you're in control. So Joanne asking, what if the compulsion is to the pain itself because you are so used to the pain, your brain goes straight into it by thinking worst-case scenarios, as happens in anxiety or compulsive behavior? So this can absolutely be the case too. So this can either be the case leading to, you know, that's going to lead you to pain. So it leads you to the addiction or something that we can get addicted to as well is causing that pain. And so typically what's happening there is we're comfortable in that pain. Okay. And we want that pain because that feels, for a lack of a better term, like home. It feels like a space that we understand. That we have understood and that we've lived in for a very long time. So if, if this is the case, you know, that's, that's using. So pain is, is something's gonna cause you to go down that route. And in you, in that case, Joanne, and follow me here, and this is gonna get just slightly confusing for some people. So if that's okay, just block it out. But for those of you experiencing what Joanne is experiencing, so when we were drawing the addiction cycle, right, we drew pain and then using. In this case here, what can happen is— so the pain is the using. And so instead of pain, it can actually be comfort. It can be peace. Okay? And so sometimes peace and comfort is going to cause you to want to reach into that pain because pain is comfortable. Okay? And so what we want to do there is use peace and comfort as a cue. And this is something I experienced. Not so much as an addiction, but it's something that I experienced and how to watch out for pain and comfort as a cue to watch yourself talk. This, and this is what I used to do. So you can see me like put my hands up here. That's what I literally used to do is just say, hold on, Kay. Like, because I could feel myself like kind of noticing that I was comfortable, that I was at peace. And then I could feel myself like riling myself up. And I would say, hold on, Kay. Like, and then I would talk to myself. I say, it's okay that You're happy. It's okay that you're comfortable here. Let things be. And when you let things be, you're going to get the love that you want and desire from your partner. You're going to be able to take care of yourself at a very high level. And I would kind of talk myself through whatever specifically for me I knew that I was driving the pain for. So maybe driving the pain because pain, like, Pain equals love from that partner, right? Or equals, you know, being held tight and feeling that, that cared for feeling or whatever it may be. So that's where I really, really focus on kind of the self-talk is when you find that transition from peace going into like going into that worst case scenario. Now, once you find yourself there, you know, you want to kind of switch that back. But again, self-talk is going to be critical there. And Joanne, I want you to put that in your pocket for our conversation next week. Next week, we're gonna talk about a tool, a processing tool called protectors. And I want you to put this specific feeling in your pocket for that conversation, cuz this can be something that you start off with when you go to do that, that kind of protector work. Good question. I love it, Ella. I love it. I love it. Right? So personally, on a medical biological standpoint, I must focus on optimizing these neurotransmitters, especially a handful of one that you mentioned that I can't pronounce. My choices and activities, my choices of activities, thought processes, self-talk, dietary choices, relationship choices, environment enhancement, empowerment. I can. You are. You are capable. And I think, you know, that can get lost. You know, for some people, the powerless mindset is really important. And for me, that resonated really, really well. But the powerless mindset empowered me. It made me feel capable. For some people, it doesn't resonate. That's okay. Whatever gives you that feeling of empowerment, you can do this. You can get sober. Even if what that looks like is saying, "Hey, I'm powerless over this substance. I'm powerless over this." If if you can get behind that and that works for you, lean into that. If you can't, that's okay. You're seeking that feeling of I can. I'm empowered. Just because you know the held belief about addictions is A is the only way to get sober, right? And A literature: If you don't do the twelve steps, that you're you're gonna fail. That's not the truth. Okay, they were the first big program, and they're a great program for a lot of people, and they work for a lot of people. If that doesn't resonate with you, though, it doesn't mean. You can't do this. You are so capable of doing this. You know, you're just gonna have to forge a little bit of a different path and think about how can I do this? Okay, I didn't do this with an AA framework. Okay, many people get sober without an AA framework, and many people get sober with an AA framework. So take what you like, leave what you don't, and think about what works best for me, what's gonna work best for me. So I love that empowerment. Yes, you can. You absolutely can. Awesome job, everyone. Amazing, amazing job with everything that we talked about today. I know we covered a lot, but y'all did an amazing job sticking with me and sticking through it. I love y'all. I believe you at the very, very highest level. More on this, I promise. But keep rocking and rolling, keep chipping away, keep thinking for yourself, keep being independent, and keep taking action. So I love you, I believe in you, and I'll see you all tomorrow.

Hey everybody, thank you so much for listening to this podcast. If you want to learn more about how you can coach with me directly, there's a link in the description. You can check out. There's absolutely no pressure. The main thing is I wanted you to get value from this episode here, but I hope you have a fantastic day and I'll see you in the next one.